Is anything going on

[Drone117]

OK, let me please start with a short preamble. It seems to me that I have no other choice now but to reach out to the Internet. It feels absolutely weird to write to a public forum about most intimate aspects of my life. Trust me, I have tried all other venues with no luck. Gosh, I don't even know where to start or what sort of details to provide. And this looks insane even to me as I'm writing this.

 

The thing is my instinct tells me something is going on with my wife and there is someone else. Yet I have no proof, facts or definite red flags (yes I have been reading forums). Not like she tells me "I'm at A" and someone tells me "Just met your wife at B" or anything like that. Nothing suspicious in social media or phone. I've never been an overly jealousy or paranoid type and never doubted her in 10 years or so.

 

Small things. Subtle differences that tend to accumulate. Like an eagerness to go on a business trip while she usually hates it and gets homesick unless we travel as a family. Or odd reaction to some news from my work we both have been waiting for. Or complains about something at her work which was never an issue before. Or change of preferences when we decide how we spend the weekend (wants to stay home more). Changes in intimate life too subtle or intimate to post here. List goes on. Nothing definitive yet it drives me nuts. She's on the business trip now and 2st time I'm worried not about her safety.

 

There are no major marriage issues that I can see. We have recently moved to another country because of my career move. But not only she supported me and wanted to move as well all along. Her career has also blossomed here; she's got and executed on the opportunity she could never have in the homeland. She told me 1000 times how happy she is. Now it all but stopped.

 

I don't know why I think there's someone else. I just feel it. Tried to bring up the topic - gently. She seemed not to even understand what am I talking about. Talked to a few people I can trust this. They all think I'm nuts. My parents are long gone.

 

What should I do? Talk to her? Keep snooping? Clench my teeth and just shut it? Not sure if anyone can offer anything help here. So writing mostly to vent and out of desperation.

[Mr Blunt]

By Drone117

Subtle differences that tend to accumulate. Like an eagerness to go on a business trip while she usually hates it and gets homesick unless we travel as a family.

Changes in intimate life too subtle or intimate to post here. List goes on.

Tried to bring up the topic - gently. She seemed not to even understand what I am talking about.

 

 

 

 

The quotes above could mean she is interested in someone else or many other things. I would zone in on her work and get as much information as you can without making any accusations to her. If you are really worried than would you consider hiring a private investigator? You could monitor her emails, texts, etc...Do not tip her off as to your checking things out. If she is totally innocent then you can apologize later. If she is guilty then you need to not let her know what you are doing.

 

 

The big turnaround in going on business trips must have a reason. Changes in intimate life speak for itself. Her not understanding what you are talking about is very suspect to me. I am sure that you are very capable of communicating your concern so playing dumb is odd to me.

Edited November 18, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[Marc878]

Your gut instincts are often correct. Work affairs if that's what it is are the hardest to detect.

 

If she drives maybe a voice activated recorder Velcrod under the front seat.

 

I wouldn't confront without any evidence. Does she have a work phone or PC?

 

You might ask her if she's doing ok or show up at her work unannounced to take her to lunch.

Edited November 18, 2016 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Check your online cell phone bill. You. Can download and sort.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can't help but wonder about changes...in you.

 

Is she acting differently or do you see her differently? Are there changes, interests or pressures affecting your POV?

 

Two sides to this calculation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Drone117]

1st thing I looked is the phone as she uses it a lot. Nothing suspicious in the phone or in the usage stats.

 

 

Mr.Blunt where you are right is about zoning on in the work. I don't know how did you guess it but that is what I suspect as well. Although I have nothing but my instinct. I mean it could be a friend or a stranger. Yet I suspect the office.

 

I do not think "playing dumb" is so critical. I have probably messed it up by trying to be gentle and not looking paranoid. So she may genuinely just don't get it

 

Mr. Lucky, i don't know the answer. We both viewed these changes (move) as very positive. And the rest is or was good. You may be right but I don't see it.

[Friskyone4u]

Drone,

 

The tried and true statement on any infidelity forum which you will find is "TRUST YOUR GUT". And your gut brought you to a place of internet strangers.

 

The biggest issue for me in what you said is the work trip thing. That would suggest if she is involved with another man it is either a co-worker or someone who she interacts with where the travel is.

 

It sounds like she has a work phone and e mail that you have no access to. If she has a boyfriend out of town unless you install a VAR in her car or hire a PI you will never know unless she makes a mistake.

 

As far as your sex life is concerned, understand that some women are easily able to compartmentalize extramarital sex especially when they have no intention of leaving their husbands. And women often consider emotional attachment more of a betrayal and make the statement "it was only sex" when the are caught and say it meant nothing.

 

The bottom line is your gut is churning and none of us has the answer. But you have only two choices

(1) put your head in the sand, hope and assume it is nothing

(2) start to discreetly up the snooping methods without confronting her.

 

You may want to google 'signs your wife is cheating".

[karnak]

Small things. Subtle differences that tend to accumulate. Like an eagerness to go on a business trip while she usually hates it and gets homesick unless we travel as a family. Or odd reaction to some news from my work we both have been waiting for. Or complains about something at her work which was never an issue before. Or change of preferences when we decide how we spend the weekend (wants to stay home more). Changes in intimate life too subtle or intimate to post here. List goes on. Nothing definitive yet it drives me nuts. She's on the business trip now and 2st time I'm worried not about her safety.

 

THIS!

I've been browsing this forum on and off for many years now. Read way too many stories of betrayal.

Saw husbands and wives coming here to post, asking their questions. Some of them even refused to acknowledge what they were told. Went into severe denial and stopped posting, suddenly "realising" that there's no way their loved ones could be cheating. Only to reappear after an year or less, stating that it was all true all along and that their spouse had indeed been cheating on them.

 

Some of the suspicions turn out to be false. Very few... I'd say that less than 10% of them.

Usually (always?) when the "gut" calls, you'd better stop and listen to what it says.

 

You, my friend, are feeling confused. Unfortunately, given your statement it's very likely that your wife is already involved in an affair.

 

Many good and kind people here will give you very good advice. The only good one that I can offer you is: stay low, be like a Ninja and investigate. You have a 90% chance of finding something.

 

Unfortunately, you'll probably won't like what you find. But - as life has proven to me over and over again - "the truth shall set you free". After the initial shock you'll find the comfort and peace of knowing that you're not insane and knowing who you really can and cannot trust.

 

Keep posting and be strong.

Edited November 18, 2016 by karnak

[merrmeade]

As far as your sex life is concerned, understand that some women are easily able to compartmentalize extramarital sex especially when they have no intention of leaving their husbands. And women often consider emotional attachment more of a betrayal and make the statement "it was only sex" when the are caught and say it meant nothing.

It's not helpful to OP or anyone else to make such sweeping generalizations without a qualifying "from what I've seen and read" or simply "I think."

 

So here's another generalization: Why do ALL you guys insist on linking certain behaviors to women that you apparently don't realize are common to both sexes? Do you even consider the possibility? I used to read such posts and just feel puzzled but uncomfortable - like I didn't know and they did.

 

Here's the thing: The first assertion that "some women are easily able to compartmentalize extramarital sex especially when they have no intention of leaving their husbands" is behavior absolutely as true of men as of women IN MY EXPERIENCE. So why limit your observation to half your audience? There are betrayed wives reading who could benefit from realizing that their husbands are capable of the same callousness and entitlement by enjoying their side fun with no intention of Leaving their wives.

 

But the 2nd idea that women consider emotional attachment more of a betrayal, i have no opinion about because I simply don't know and wonder how you can be so sure. On what do you base this declaration? Is it fair and right for you to present such a blanket assertion without any qualification to OP, who may bevsomeone as distraught and desperate as many BSs are at first? You could easily add "from what I've seen / to me / I feel like / I've found / it's my opinion" and there are more.

Edited November 18, 2016 by merrmeade

[VeveCakes]

Definitely VAR.

 

Not everyone calls or texts, a lot of people talk on Snap Chat or Whatsapp now and that would impossible to monitor from the phone bill.

 

I agree, trust your instincts.

 

What about the sex life? You said too intimate to post here...you might want to glance at the Sex Help forum and see nothing is off limits or shocking here...

[Friskyone4u]

It's not helpful to OP or anyone else to make such sweeping generalizations without a qualifying "from what I've seen and read" or simply "I think."

 

So here's another generalization: Why do ALL you guys insist on linking certain behaviors to women that you apparently don't realize are common to both sexes? Do you even consider the possibility? I used to read such posts and just feel puzzled but uncomfortable - like I didn't know and they did.

 

Here's the thing: The first assertion that "some women are easily able to compartmentalize extramarital sex especially when they have no intention of leaving their husbands" is behavior absolutely as true of men as of women IN MY EXPERIENCE. So why limit your observation to half your audience? There are betrayed wives reading who could benefit from realizing that their husbands are capable of the same callousness and entitlement by enjoying their side fun with no intention of Leaving their wives.

 

But the 2nd idea that women consider emotional attachment more of a betrayal, i have no opinion about because I simply don't know and wonder how you can be so sure. On what do you base this declaration? Is it fair and right for you to present such a blanket assertion without any qualification to OP, who may bevsomeone as distraught and desperate as many BSs are at first? You could easily add "from what I've seen / to me / I feel like / I've found / it's my opinion" and there are more.

 

Why don't you read some of the books like His Needs, Her Needs or Not Just Friends, or the Dr Hartley books and you might learn something.

 

The first is that you will find that most of what you will read tells you that mans primary need in a relationship is sex and that men ENTER affairs primarily for sex and that women enter affairs primarily for emotional needs and that sex usually comes after the emotional need is met.

 

Now I guess you also did not read that I said that no one knows from what he posted exactly what is going on. Apparently you believe that men and womens brains are wired exactly the same so that puts you at odds with most experts on that one also

[Blueskies66]

It's pretty clear from your post that your wife is indeed cheating on you. I think you have picked up on some very subtle clues that many would dismiss. You need to become very crafty about collecting evidence. Get the code to her phone is priority number one.

 

I am one of those people that exist in what I call the "sexual sub culture." I've had many married women. None....I repeat none has ever been remorseful. I could go on but I'm sure that rather than tapping into my encyclopedic knowledge of said subculture the members here will eviscerate me.

 

Good luck.

[WilyWill]

I hope she is not cheating on you. But you do have to listen to your gut.

 

A common mistake people make is to confront their spouse without having gathered any evidence. You make the accusation. Your spouse vehemently denies any cheating. "How could you even THINK that about me?!" She even swears on the lives of her children that she would NEVER cheat. She walks around for weeks, pouting and angry that you accused her of such a horrible crime.

 

Then one day, months later, you find evidence. She was cheating all along. All the while she was taking dramatic oaths and pouting. Yes, unfaithful spouses can be THAT cold and ruthless. It's weird, but you can find this same story many times in the postings here.

 

So it bears repeating that you should gather irrefutable evidence before having any confrontation.

[Drone117]

Ok, call me paranoid, but here's an example from this weekend. She doesn't like business trips. That was her main concern when considering new job back then. And when she travels and not able to get back home on Friday midday the latest this is like a small tragedy for her. As weekend starting Friday night is "us time".

 

This trip they finished the work so late on Friday (seems to be truth based on the info I've gathered) they had to rebook flights for Saturday. Yet she came home like nothing happened, not a slightest sign.

 

Never imagined myself being insecure but this is starting to freak me out.

[merrmeade]

1st thing I looked is the phone as she uses it a lot. Nothing suspicious in the phone or in the usage stats.

 

 

Mr.Blunt where you are right is about zoning on in the work. I don't know how did you guess it but that is what I suspect as well. Although I have nothing but my instinct. I mean it could be a friend or a stranger. Yet I suspect the office.

 

I do not think "playing dumb" is so critical. I have probably messed it up by trying to be gentle and not looking paranoid. So she may genuinely just don't get it

 

Mr. Lucky, i don't know the answer. We both viewed these changes (move) as very positive. And the rest is or was good. You may be right but I don't see it.

Hi Drone,

So so sorry you're in this position. This is a great place to hang out when you just need to be with people who've been through the kinds of doubts and turmoil you're experiencing.

 

It's really important that you focus your angst and questions into snooping right now. There are two things you can do. The first is to investigate. At a similar point during the days preceding my husband's confirmation of my suspicions / discovery (D-day), I started digging through his emails and text messages. If you can get hold of her phone, you can actually retrieve the deleted messages. It's not hard and everything you need to know is online. If you need help, people here can tell you how to do it. People suggest the VAR a lot, but I've read some people had trouble deciphering the speech from the road noises. Main thing is that the more you do, the more informationi you'll get to either confirm or clear up your doubts.

 

The other thing you can do is try to throw her off her guard so you can see once and for all if she's lying. It's hard because you're used to trusting her and probably not an experienced schemer, but believe me it will pay off. I read articles and watched videos about lying and the tricks to get someone to confess something. For what I wanted, it worked. The main thing here to remember is that she doesn't know yet that you suspect and will not be on her guard. You need to catch her in a lie without letting on that you suspect she's lying.

 

That's some of what worked for me. I hope your suspicions turn out to be nothing.

 

P.S. My only point before was to urge you to question and verify. Of course, there are lots of ways men and women differ in how they approach lots of things, not just affairs, and it's a relevant point. My point was just to question anyone who puts forth a truism without giving something to know why it's supposed to be true for whatever explanations or advice you get, especially when a source isn't given. Opinion based on observation and experience is what we do a lot here and it's valid as such; just know that it's opinion.

 

I agree it's an excellent idea for you to start reading, especially "Not Just Friends" since it's an office "friendship" you're worried about. that's developed into an emotional affair, you need to understand how she might be thinking.

[CommittedToThis]

I don't know why I think there's someone else. I just feel it.

 

Man, this is a tough situation because without any proof or even hardcore red flags you are going solely on instinct here.

 

You say the marriage is otherwise great, right?

 

Normally my advice is to trust your gut feelings without question but since your marriage seems otherwise sound, if you feel it's worth it, yeah, hiring a private investigator is probably the best thing to allay your concerns.

 

As others have said, don't let your wife know you are suspicious; definitely check out some "how to tell if your partner is lying" videos and see if you can make some progress on your own. Check her phone if you get a chance, emails, whatever you have access to. Just don't let her catch you otherwise you're going to look like an insecure mouse.

 

Drone, have you ever had suspicious feelings like this in the past?

 

You're really in a crappy position; if you're wrong, then you will be unable to fully trust your instincts, and you have to become a detective to find out the truth (who likes that?). If you're right, your marriage is over or at least seriously torpedo'd.

 

Please let us know what happens, all the best. Sorry you're in this position.

[BluesPower]

Yes the business trips...

 

To me this is the biggest red flag here. When they are ok with all the "Hard" work and travel that their job requires, they are usually screwing somebody. So if she had to "Work so late" and catch a flight in the morning, she could have just been having a great night of sex with the OM.

 

Just keep you cool and do your investigative work. Does she have her work email on her phone? Check deleted items and sent items if she does. They often forget to delete those.

 

And you have to do that VAR for her car, you may learn more from that than anything. Everyone having an affair slips up sooner or later.

 

Hang in there...

[goodyblue]

Yes the business trips...

 

To me this is the biggest red flag here. When they are ok with all the "Hard" work and travel that their job requires, they are usually screwing somebody. So if she had to "Work so late" and catch a flight in the morning, she could have just been having a great night of sex with the OM.

 

Just keep you cool and do your investigative work. Does she have her work email on her phone? Check deleted items and sent items if she does. They often forget to delete those.

 

And you have to do that VAR for her car, you may learn more from that than anything. Everyone having an affair slips up sooner or later.

 

Hang in there...

 

Well, I don't believe for a second that just working late or staying an extra night means screwing around.

 

OP, if you are worried,do the VAR. My h and I began our relationship as an affair, this is where she would have caught him. We feel safe in our cars, alone. Do that first, if you don't find anything see how you feel. If you are still worried, check other things

 

Good luck and I sincerely hope you are overreacting.

[BluesPower]

It is not the trip...

 

Like OP said, it is the change in attitude about having to travel and then a really late night working out of town.

 

Maybe I am wrong, bet those two things spell disaster. There is only one reason that all of a sudden you don't mind the business trips. The reason is that you get to have time and sex with your AP.

 

People's attitudes about those types of things don't change for no reason.

[goodyblue]

It is not the trip...

 

Like OP said, it is the change in attitude about having to travel and then a really late night working out of town.

 

Maybe I am wrong, bet those two things spell disaster. There is only one reason that all of a sudden you don't mind the business trips. The reason is that you get to have time and sex with your AP.

 

People's attitudes about those types of things don't change for no reason.

 

Eh, maybe. I kinda think if anything were going on she would pretend to not want to go. I dunno.

[BluesPower]

People in affairs are usually not that smart.

 

WS on love shack always say how they are not thinking straight.

 

That is how you usually get caught.

[elaine567]

How old is your wife?

Sometimes people just go through life and their priorities change. Now she may be on fire with her job, or stressed out, under pressure or feels she has to give 100% to her job and coming home to you is no longer her priority.

She has landed a higher powered job, things are bound to change.

May be she never feels like going out now as she is tired, and just wants to spend as much time at home as she can.

Unless you expand on the intimacy changes, I cannot really comment.

Yes she may have a guy on the side or she may just be a woman now doing a more taxing job.

[Mr Blunt]

Stop guessing and get to work on the evidence. If you are patient, keep your cool, do what you have been told on this thread, then you will know one way or the other in a short time. Your stress over the issue is not going away so get to the bottom of it, get the evidence!

!

[S2B]

I'm not sure her trip was delayed by her work. My previous friend said he liked to extend his business trips so he could stay longer with his OW.

 

Next time put a VAR in her suitcase and her briefcase.

[Drone117]

Thank you all. I admit for the most part your feedback is not what I expected to hear. But probably what I need to hear. The changes I'm talking about are too subtle and personal to be understood out of context. Not that I'm afraid of posting. Let's say before she was trying to ensure that we are happy as a couple. So was I. From leasure time to sex time. Now she seems to care predominantly for me to be happy. Sounds weird that it bothers me but it does.

 

I'm in full investigating mode. My worst nightmare now is not even that she is cheating. People rebuild or divorce. It is that I may never know for sure one way or another. Of course I'm not confronting until I have something more solid then my gut. Don't want to insult her unless a have a critical mass of symptoms. Her phone doesn't have a lock and it's plain vanilla, no chat apps, nothing. Thinking VAR, though it feels like a point of no return for me. So probably dragging feet here.

 

I get people change mid life and keep telling this myself. However our marriage is good and we are on a stable patch with anything else. We worked through the stress of relocation to foreign country and new jobs. She is into the 2nd year of her current one. So ifv this is a natural reaction, it's somehow "delayed".

 

There is a person from her office I know well enough who was on the trip. I'll try to fish for info from that source.

 

Another example I figured I can post to explain myself. She has a choice of wearing the uniform or own business attire. For a year she liked the uniform. Her own words - she doesn't have to think what to wear. Starting from a month ago she started wearing strictly her own outfits.

 

I hope I'm wasting your and my time.