Is anything going on

[kgcolonel]

Drone, I can't tell you how sorry i am for what you just learned!! The only suggestion i have is two fold, first, take a deep breath and think carefully about your next step as it is one that can dictate the rest of your life....that being said, one of the best examples of how to deal with this situation was recently posted under the title Sad Situation....the confrontation was calm, controlled, definitive and effective. If I were in a similar situation, this is what I would want to pattern my response after. He also had a witness to ensure nothing happened that would cause future legal issues either way.

 

Again, very sad for your discovery....please keep posting and we'll try to help you through this with some objective thoughts.

[WilyWill]

I don't know if you've confronted her yet, but there is no reason for you to let her know you saw her diary. Do not even answer her "How did you know?" and her attempts to make you out as the bad guy for "spying" on her.

 

If you haven't confronted, you should get your ducks in a row first. Talk to an attorney and have him draw up divorce papers. Tell him about the adultery and find out if your state will give you a fairer settlement because of it. Have her served at work in front of her colleagues.

 

Sorry that your worst fears came true. But you will make it through this with time.

[VeveCakes]

Sorry to hear this

[Poutrew]

Although all the red flags were there, I am very sorry to hear that she is a cheater, Drone. The only advice I can give you right now is to stay strong. She doesn't know you know, unless you told her, and that leaves you in a very unique position to do things to protect yourself and your assets. Put half of your money in an account that she has no access too. Remove small valuables that she could take from her reach - hide them. If divorce is your option, consult an attorney NOW, and begin the process. You can confront her by placing the letters of separation in front of her and asking her to sign them. Be firm in your resolve and do not let her tears affect you. You need to be cold, calculating, and constantly remember that she is not your loving wife any more, but a cheating, lying, sperm receptacle for the OM. Think of her like an old fashioned Vampire from out of Dracula. She has the body of a person you loved but the soul is gone. She will destroy you if you let her. If you don't have a credit card in just your name, apply for one now. After you get it, and just before the confrontation, pay off the joint credit card and then cancel it. You need to be thinking of yourself now, and protect whatever assets you can. Otherwise, your money will be winding up in the other man's pocket. Whatever you do, stay calm and Do Not Get Violent - you don't want a judge kicking you out of your house because she is suddenly 'afraid' of you.

Again, sorry and remember to post often - there are many 'experts' that hang out here that you can bounce ideas off of.

[understand50]

Drone117,

 

I am sorry your worst fears have come to pass. I know that this is painful and you are hurting, not to think about the anger.

 

I advise you to put this aside to some extent and allow yourself to think as rationally as you can. Look to the long term, and start to decide what you want to happen. Letting yourself, get caught up in revenge, or just anger will not help you in the end. I do not know what you are thinking along the lines of divorcing, or maybe reconciliation. Please just remember, no matter what you decide, a clear head and a plan will help you the most now.

 

It will be hard, but give some thought to what you want, make a plan and execute it. In the end, this will help you heal, and also let you deal with your WS. It allows you to take back control. There is hope for both paths, reconciliation or divorce. Weight, what you want, there is good examples of both here.

 

I wish you luck....

[usa1ah]

Drone, make sure you do not leave. Make her leave the home, she is the one that cheated. Make HER pay the price by leaving. Then clear your head and decide what to do afterwards.

[fenix]

I am very sorry to read this Drone. I was hopping you would be the exception that confirms the rule.

Have you confronted your wife already? Please take your time to think how you want to confront her and how you want to deal with her reaction.

Don't rush into any decision, don't rush into asking her to leave or leaving yourself the house but also do not cry or ask her to stay with your... You need to be strong.

Once you have confronted her you will need to decide if you want to try to reconcile or not, both are good solutions and you should think well about them.

You don't need to compromise to reconciliation and you should not threaten with Divorce yet. Take your time to analyse what you want to do given her reactions and how committed is she to stay and to help you healing.

Be strong! You have my sympathy!

[BuddyX]

Hang in there.

Odds are, she'll beg you to get you back. Previous LS post said it best (forgot the posters name)

 

"Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she will want you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you."

 

I've been there. The anger will come out sooner or later. Took me about a year, but I was running on a trail and the tears finally came out. My heart, mind, and body aligned and the waterworks were flowing. It will happen. Sorround yourself with family and friends.

[Noirek]

I am sorry drone.

DO NOT HIDE ANY MONEY

Talk to a lawyer. Don't do anythibg illegal and be cautious about taking any advice that could land you in a lot of hot water.

 

You will get through this.

[Marc878]

I have good and bad news. Good news are that I won't have to involve a PI. Bad news - she's cheating full scale. Got access to her hidden electronic diary, it's all crystal clear.

 

Not sure if my sarcasm or irony is unusual. Maybe it is the defense mechanism kicking in.

Could've written how floored, heartbroken, lost and crushed I am. Truth is I'm not feeling that way. Maybe it will come but for now I'm angry, bitter and betrayed. And totally pissed off.

 

Best.

 

Put your evidence in a safe place and expose to the other mans spouse if he married. Without warning.

 

Don't make the mistake of helping them hide their affair.

 

Do not offer reconciliation immediately. Take your time to think about what you want first.

[Birdies]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

This link has a LOT of good resources for someone in your shoes in this moment. Read up, talk to a lawyer, and don't do anything hasty like accepting her begging you to take her back without her doing the necessary steps to earn that.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Informational Articles Related to Infidelity

[aliveagain]

I am late to the party but I know your pain, sorry this is happening to you and your family. Please make sure you save and store the information you have discovered before she deletes it. Talk to a lawyer immediately so you know your rights and the best way to protect your children and your finances. Read up on the "180" and make the 180 your new mantra. The 180 will help you to detach enough so you are able to think clearly. Do not have unprotected sex with her until you are both tested for all STD's because cheaters always lie about using protection. Expose her affair partner to his spouse or girlfriend, this is an important step if you want to knock her out of fantasy land. You may have to expose her affair to HR because she can not work with her affair partner, one of them has to go so decide if her job or your wife is more important.

 

Decide on your terms for reconciliation if reconciliation is on the table, no contact, full transparency, independent consoling for her(she needs to find out why she allowed her self the approval to risk her family for a selfish affair). Don't waste money on marriage consoling until she has worked on herself first in independent counselling. Decide if saving the marriage is really what you want now that you know the truth. For some of us infidelity is a deal breaker because she knew exactly what she was doing every step of the way, infidelity is a conscious decision. Get rid of everyone that knew about her affair but kept her secret from you because they are not friends of the marriage. Move her out of your bedroom, she has to feel the consequence of loss so her world of secrecy, unicorns and rainbows crashes around her and the reality of what she has done becomes real. If she leaves it's better you learn her position early rather then wasting years of your time on false hopes. DO NOT BE TOO ANXIOUSE TO FORGIVE UNTIL YOU SEE HER DO THE WORK, FORGIVENESS IS EARNED.

[Jersey born raised]

I feel your pain, been there. It is a descent into madness. The only way out is to pick a path and move forward. To step back the say this is the path to divorce, this is the path to reconciliation. Again I advise you to first have a clear game plan for custody issues, financial settlement, child care plans for yourself after separation/divorce.

 

If you have not yet confronted her, do not. Instead plan what I outlined above. When plans are made then confront.

 

You must be brutal when confronting, including exposing infidelity to both your families and your child. You don't need provide a "blow by blow", rather an inappropriate relationship including intimacy occurred. You must destroy the adulterous relationship. Exposing the adultery achieves three things: it puts the weight of a primary relationship on top of a transit one causing it to collapse. It drives the OM out of your divorce, where he will only act as a cheerleader. Finally it destroys the ability of the WS to control the narrative, gas light and blame shift.

 

Be well

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, it is very sad to see you in this position. Do hope you are holding up well. As was suggested earlier by Merrmeade, draw up your boundaries. Know what you cannot accept and what conditions will make it possible for you to try reconciliation. Wish you all the very best going forward.

[Drone117]

Thank you all. I like and value all the responses, for now please spare me from clicking "like" under each of them. Some of the suggestions felt smewhat freaky (like having unprotected sex, right now I wouldn't touch her even if she was a last female on earth). I realise though they come from experience and best intent and may become applicable later.

 

And yeah more good news - as someone posted I'm not f...g paranoid.

 

PI (who obviously got more info from me inn our one on one), suggested me to cover some basics before he's able to start working my case. Guess he regrets it now (lost couple of grands in earnings). I did my homework, found her online diary (shadow one of sorts) and the first random glimpse left little to be misinterpreted.

 

I still haven't checked all of it, honestly I look at it like at armed land mine. But sooner or later I will. I'm not coming home as I'll likely to do something I'll regret later.

 

Left her message I'm going on business, think she's starting to figure out something is wrong.

[fenix]

Thank you all. I like and value all the responses, for now please spare me from clicking "like" under each of them. Some of the suggestions felt smewhat freaky (like having unprotected sex, right now I wouldn't touch her even if she was a last female on earth). I realise though they come from experience and best intent and may become applicable later.

 

And yeah more good news - as someone posted I'm not f...g paranoid.

 

PI (who obviously got more info from me inn our one on one), suggested me to cover some basics before he's able to start working my case. Guess he regrets it now (lost couple of grands in earnings). I did my homework, found her online diary (shadow one of sorts) and the first random glimpse left little to be misinterpreted.

 

I still haven't checked all of it, honestly I look at it like at armed land mine. But sooner or later I will. I'm not coming home as I'll likely to do something I'll regret later.

 

Left her message I'm going on business, think she's starting to figure out something is wrong.

 

That is a good idea Drone. Just take your time to calm and think things trough.

Be prepared for trickle truth (half truths to minimise what she has done) and gas-lighting (making you think you are crazy/paranoid) , like for example telling you that her diary is only a fantasy and that you are confused... etc.

[TobyBoy]

Sorry to hear this drone. Can you tell us who she cheating with? Coworker? How long has it been going on?

[kgcolonel]

Drone, good thinking..I am so sorry you're going through this....like you have heard, take your time and make the decision that is right for you.

 

wow....just wow....I haven't been through what you are going through but I just am so sorry for you but I know you will come out of this and the sun will shine again.

[drifter777]

Thank you all. I like and value all the responses, for now please spare me from clicking "like" under each of them. Some of the suggestions felt smewhat freaky (like having unprotected sex, right now I wouldn't touch her even if she was a last female on earth). I realise though they come from experience and best intent and may become applicable later.

 

And yeah more good news - as someone posted I'm not f...g paranoid.

 

PI (who obviously got more info from me inn our one on one), suggested me to cover some basics before he's able to start working my case. Guess he regrets it now (lost couple of grands in earnings). I did my homework, found her online diary (shadow one of sorts) and the first random glimpse left little to be misinterpreted.

 

I still haven't checked all of it, honestly I look at it like at armed land mine. But sooner or later I will. I'm not coming home as I'll likely to do something I'll regret later.

 

Left her message I'm going on business, think she's starting to figure out something is wrong.

 

Follow your lawyers advice. Find a counselor. Talk to a friend. Don't let her crying, begging, lying, and offering sex break you down. It's pure manipulation and they all do it. Hopefully your lawyer can provide you with the legal protection you need and a way to NOT have to live in the same residence with her. Above all - be good to your child.

[Jersey born raised]

DID YOU SAVE A COPY OF HER JOURNAL???

 

It might still be a good idea to hire PA. Why, the cheater script. Here is her response: it was all fiction. I was just trying to get in touch with my inner seif. I would never cheat !!!

 

Don't believe me check out dumbest thing they said thead.

[tinkerbell16]

Thank you all. I like and value all the responses, for now please spare me from clicking "like" under each of them. Some of the suggestions felt smewhat freaky (like having unprotected sex, right now I wouldn't touch her even if she was a last female on earth). I realise though they come from experience and best intent and may become applicable later.

 

And yeah more good news - as someone posted I'm not f...g paranoid.

 

PI (who obviously got more info from me inn our one on one), suggested me to cover some basics before he's able to start working my case. Guess he regrets it now (lost couple of grands in earnings). I did my homework, found her online diary (shadow one of sorts) and the first random glimpse left little to be misinterpreted.

 

I still haven't checked all of it, honestly I look at it like at armed land mine. But sooner or later I will. I'm not coming home as I'll likely to do something I'll regret later.

 

Left her message I'm going on business, think she's starting to figure out something is wrong.

 

It's a dreaded task but also get STD tested. It's not fun... (believe me sitting in our mutual doctors office and being asked why I am getting tested and having to reply my husband has been cheating ugh)... but it brought me peace of mind.

 

Keep calm and head some good advice here about finances. She is no longer your partner and will turn the instant she is discovered into your enemy.

 

If she has been planning to leave she may have already started chipping at your assets secretly.

 

She is no longer able to be trusted.

 

That was a really hard thing for me once I discovered his cheating... realizing the man who protected me for 25 plus years was no longer there... replaced by an alien in his body. Out for himself only. Throwing hurt and blame where it wasn't earned or due.

 

Be ready... all of our stories are similar... they all do it.

 

Don't let her make you doubt your worth, your value or your strength (not literal).

 

Don't allow her to rewrite history (they all try this to assuage their guilt).

 

Keep your head straight and stay calm. You have likely already lost her so focus on your kids and yourself. That's all that matters now...

 

Ps if she left a digital diary she probably wanted to get caught indicating it's likely an exit affair. Trying to save the marriage if you wanted to is probably not possible if this is the case.

 

So sorry Drone

Edited December 6, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[Drone117]

Assuming your story is similar to mine (sorry haven't checked it), I'm sorry and your response is really good, I thank you for it, so are others. I'll use yours to respond.

 

Yes I have saved the copies, so I can read them later. I had limited time to access the diary and just saved all as pdf. Based on the only paragraph I had courage to read, Im certain that. it is full scale and ongoing not some emotional lovey dovey or drunken one night mistake that she's regretting. Shes not. I don't know who/what is he, what are her plans, why she did it, for how long. I'll have to read the rest. I accept what you saying about the exit affair. But she's never shown even a hint she's unhappy and the diary was well protected and hidden. So maybe it was exit, maybe not. WTF? Time will tell. After what I've seen there not only std test sounds like a good idea, I really want to bath myself in chemicals. If she'd wanted to save three marriage she wouldn't have done it. So what's the f..g point of calling me now?

 

My mind is not switched to deal with lawyers and counselling now, but I accept I'll have to force myself into it. For now I need to read the diary, and think how to deal with the kid. I'm not ready to see her or hear from her.

 

If that's what you and others had to go through in your time,, I'm truly sorry, that's not fun at all.

 

 

 

 

It's a dreaded task but also get STD tested. It's not fun... (believe me sitting in our mutual doctors office and being asked why I am getting tested and having to reply my husband has been cheating ugh)... but it brought me peace of mind.

 

Keep calm and head some good advice here about finances. She is no longer your partner and will turn the instant she is discovered into your enemy.

 

If she has been planning to leave she may have already started chipping at your assets secretly.

 

She is no longer able to be trusted.

 

That was a really hard thing for me once I discovered his cheating... realizing the man who protected me for 25 plus years was no longer there... replaced by an alien in his body. Out for himself only. Throwing hurt and blame where it wasn't earned or due.

 

Be ready... all of our stories are similar... they all do it.

 

Don't let her make you doubt your worth, your value or your strength (not literal).

 

Don't allow her to rewrite history (they all try this to assuage their guilt).

 

Keep your head straight and stay calm. You have likely already lost her so focus on your kids and yourself. That's all that matters now...

 

Ps if she left a digital diary she probably wanted to get caught indicating it's likely an exit affair. Trying to save the marriage if you wanted to is probably not possible if this is the case.

 

So sorry Drone

[Jersey born raised]

Drone, Her choices define her and the OM only. Your reaction, and only your actions going forward, define you as a man. Think twice before acting, and do so boldly

[Poutrew]

The STD testing sounds like a *very* good idea. Also, given her ability to be so 'normal' while this is going on, perhaps a paternity test for the child would be in order as well... You really need to find out who the OM is. Given this seems to be happening on 'business trips', and how the people she works with seem to know all about it, I'd bet OM is her boss. This opens up a possibility for you. You can go after the company she works for. There are rules for fraternization for a reason. HR will instantly fire both of them, and depending on how serious they believe you are going to be about a lawsuit, they may settle out of court with a nice fat sum of coin to make you go away... at this point, I'd think to get what I can out of the mess she created. With the way she has fooled you all this time, you are under no obligation to be nice to her...Only, if you do decide to go after the company wait until the D is finalized so her not having a job wont affect alimony or other factors. At all times, even if you are raging inside, be outwardly cool and calm - don't give her that power over you. Do what is in your and your child's interest. Good luck.

[Noirek]

The STD testing sounds like a *very* good idea. Also, given her ability to be so 'normal' while this is going on, perhaps a paternity test for the child would be in order as well... You really need to find out who the OM is. Given this seems to be happening on 'business trips', and how the people she works with seem to know all about it, I'd bet OM is her boss. This opens up a possibility for you. You can go after the company she works for. There are rules for fraternization for a reason. HR will instantly fire both of them, and depending on how serious they believe you are going to be about a lawsuit, they may settle out of court with a nice fat sum of coin to make you go away... at this point, I'd think to get what I can out of the mess she created. With the way she has fooled you all this time, you are under no obligation to be nice to her...Only, if you do decide to go after the company wait until the D is finalized so her not having a job wont affect alimony or other factors. At all times, even if you are raging inside, be outwardly cool and calm - don't give her that power over you. Do what is in your and your child's interest. Good luck.

I have always wondered the advice of getting your ws fired. While the idea of justice may be nice if reconciliation is on the table even waiting until after can have quite the financial kickback. Now he is oversees so I have no idea of alimony laws but a lady I know recently got hers raised. And it was "settled" two years ago. And most places always consider child support and relook at it down the road if one spouse persues that. So having an unemployed ex with a bad rep is not ideal money wise.

 

And actually, he is under moral obligation to treat her still as the mother of his child... so civily. Just because someone throws away their moral compass doesn't mean the other person is somehow free to throw theirs off too. I mean, obviously we all have free will and can do whatever we want. But since his wife isn't here to be told to stop her actions and what not all we can do is encourage him to make healthy choices that will not harm his child or himself.