Is anything going on

[Birdies]

I've also cried my eyes out more this year than in the rest of my life put together, and I know this sounds nonsensical, but the vast majority of that is just the overwhelming guilt and remorse of having hurt my (now ex) husband so badly. Long marriages can be filled with so many complicated and conflicting emotions, and even when I was so resentful towards him and was able to do the mental gymnastics to justify cheating on him , I still cared deeply for him. Knowing that the person I loved most in the world was in such horrible pain because of my cruel actions was very tormenting. (Not trying to elicit any sympathy or say that this is moral in any way, just explaining.)

 

So, I'm just saying that, if it makes you feel any better, she could truly regret her actions and the pain it's caused you. My ex and I had a lot of honest talks and I know that for him, seeing me so remorseful really helped him work through it.

 

Or maybe she just doesn't want to face the music. Likely a combination of both.

 

Anyway, take care buddy.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Drone,

 

Though work I have meet some very evil and warped individuals. As a young man and even at age 61 I still cannot understand how some people can be like this. The OM's comnent caused me to become very alarmed. It reflects a level of depravity. He needs to fornicate with an endless number of woman to satisfy a warped sense of reality. Your wife is silly child in falling prey to him.

 

I strongly urge you to begin discussing divorce with your wife. (did I miss the post about custody?). As long as she thinks the adultery may lead to a long term relationship she will not realize how foolish she is.

 

I know you are conflicted. You are a fixer, like many men. Yet after you fix it you begin to realize WHY? This occurs usually about 9 to 12 months into an attempt to reconcile. It is often refered to the lethal plain of flatness.

 

To begin if you deciede to dirvorce what laws will be followed; where you currently live or your homeland. I recently did some searches on divorce laws in Spain. If you are Spanish seems Spain will recognize most of the divorce settlement but some aspects may need to be recognized in a Spanish court as well.

 

From day one of your thread I urged you to lay the ground work for a divorce, not because you need to divorce but rather if you deciede to you can proceed quickly. This reflects a valuable lesson I learned as a young man and at 61 I am telling you the times I ignored it I got burned badly: think twice, plan once, when you decide act boldly.

[Drone117]

These latest posts are extremely helpful and (especially some) provided me with the inside I wouldn't get from anywhere or anyone else. Timely and priceless.

 

I need more time to process it, but from where I am right now , the remaining bit, no matter how consuming it is, is just the logistics.

[Drone117]

 

Is she the type to avoid conflict?

 

Usually, not at all.

[Drone117]

Drone, mine collapsed, sobbing at my feet as well upon discovery, yet he is still with his work affair partner almost 3 years later. It's not a sign of their feelings towards you so much as they are crushed their cake eating has ended.

 

Hold on. He? Husband? ...

 

Sorry

[lovechunker]

I agree with a lot of others. Good insight here. Being that you're in a 10 year marriage you would obv deal with this different than if its a 3 year bf/gf thing. Best approach here is to act interested in whatever you're suspicious about. You'll have to hide your emotions from this and just act like you are "curious about your friends life" kinda thing. Definitely don't deny your gut feelings. I would follow gut in a relationship 10,000 times more than outside appearance, especially with women. In my experience, I would say something is up. Doesn't mean an affair, just means you are aware that your relationship does not feel as it used to. If you try to do as I said before, and she doesn't open up, then you know somethings going on. The hardest thing with your situation, is knowing somethings up, but hiding emotions. Do what you gotta do to act like you're not suspicious but still get to the root of the issue. Honestly, sometimes life just takes a little gently bluntness to make things come to a head. If she's doing something bad, she is going to bury herself deeper and deeper until communication really drops. Definitely don't jump to any conclusions and work out work out work out to relieve your stress. Not only will this be attractive to her, but it will clear your mind to come into whatever situation with clear/positive emotions. My last parting tidbit, never trust what a woman says to you if she isn't sharing her feelings. If a woman is in love with you, she will do 3 main things. 1) she will use a lot of affection 2) she will share her feelings more than you want her to 3) she will share her deepest insecurities and make tons of future plans with you included in every friggin one and then you're like "listen we don't got the money or the time to do all that crap but i'm in"

 

Peace (Y)

[S2B]

My ex said he loved me too... I said "you've got an awful way of showing your love".

 

I kept thinking if this is the way he lives then I don't want any part of it. He loved me as long as he got to do whatever he wanted as long as I went along with it. I couldn't reconcile it in my mind without forfeiting my self respect... and that's when I knew it was completely over for me.

 

Eleven years later - he says he still loves me. I don't want his brand of love!

 

The bottom line was (after 23 years) he wasn't the man I thought he was. I had no trust in him and therefore there wasn't any reason to continue.

 

I knew I deserved better than who he had become.

[Drone117]

My ex said he loved me too... I said "you've got an awful way of showing your love".

 

I kept thinking if this is the way he lives then I don't want any part of it. He loved me as long as he got to do whatever he wanted as long as I went along with it. I couldn't reconcile it in my mind without forfeiting my self respect... and that's when I knew it was completely over for me.

 

Eleven years later - he says he still loves me. I don't want his brand of love!

 

The bottom line was (after 23 years) he wasn't the man I thought he was. I had no trust in him and therefore there wasn't any reason to continue.

 

I knew I deserved better than who he had become.

 

 

I get it, as if it is some sort of a valid excuse, it makes things better. When I got it from her directly that was only the second time (the other one when I was taking about him and my kid) when I regretfully lost my composure and allowed myself to be... Menacing,,? Spiteful?

 

Worst thing - I think she believes that.

[tinkerbell16]

Hold on. He? Husband? ...

 

Sorry

 

Yes, husband, now ex husband. We were together almost 30 years when he started a work affair.

 

He still, to this day, says he loves me. Told me he cries almost every day.

 

Go figure. Hs still with his affair partner.

 

I am happy now. In the end I divorced him because I knew I could never respect him. I realize now, like S2B says... he was not the man I thought he was.

 

It is tramatic to say the least. The level of betrayal. I still have moments of almost PTSD symptoms. Mine was living a double life basically. I was completely blindsided.

 

It was the hardest thing I ever went through but I am so happy I am not tied to him and his drama any longer.

 

Every single day I am enjoying life to the fullest and ZERO regret while my ex tells me he is full of regret... but that is his karma, not mine

[Drone117]

I know I'm not here to comment on other people's stories. The fact that you (all) are kind enough to share them is good enough. I was just surprised by that sort of behavior which is in my opinion is kind of weird (for a man).

 

Glad you are happy now.

 

 

 

Yes, husband, now ex husband. We were together almost 30 years when he started a work affair.

 

He still, to this day, says he loves me. Told me he cries almost every day.

 

Go figure. Hs still with his affair partner.

 

I am happy now. In the end I divorced him because I knew I could never respect him. I realize now, like S2B says... he was not the man I thought he was.

 

It is tramatic to say the least. The level of betrayal. I still have moments of almost PTSD symptoms. Mine was living a double life basically. I was completely blindsided.

 

It was the hardest thing I ever went through but I am so happy I am not tied to him and his drama any longer.

 

Every single day I am enjoying life to the fullest and ZERO regret while my ex tells me he is full of regret... but that is his karma, not mine

[tinkerbell16]

I know I'm not here to comment on other people's stories. The fact that you (all) are kind enough to share them is good enough. I was just surprised by that sort of behavior which is in my opinion is kind of weird (for a man).

 

Glad you are happy now.

 

Lol

 

Be prepared for some extremely weird, unpredictable, confusing behavior from your wife... it's part of this crazy period after discovery.

 

They are confused, in affair fog. They are like addicts. Sacrificing all for the "fix".

 

If they were rational minded they wouldn't be having affairs to begin with.

 

How are you doing? Is she indicating any desire to work on the marriage with you?

[Drone117]

Lol

 

Be prepared for some extremely weird, unpredictable, confusing behavior from your wife... it's part of this crazy period after discovery.

They are confused, in affair fog. They are like addicts. Sacrificing all for the "fix".

 

If they were rational minded they wouldn't be having affairs to begin with.

 

How are you doing? Is she indicating any desire to work on the marriage with you?

 

I'm right in a middle of it. I'm now effectively a subject of each and every funky "term of trade" you all seem to be using here - minimising, gaslighting, blameshifting, poweifting, overcompensating and some other I haven't heard.

 

All it took is too mention separation, divorce, custody and division of assets in a matter-of-fact, logistical manner.

 

Boy, has it kicked her out of the state of apathy...

[Cephalopod]

Stop talking about divorce and do it. The weakest thing you can do is make threats and then not follow through.

[Drone117]

I'll add . Maybe this is a preamble to starting to work on the marriage, who knows, as the other poster said one help of a way to show it. Or maybe s she's starting to work on their marriage?

[Drone117]

Stop talking about divorce and do it. The weakest thing you can do is make threats and then not follow through.

 

That's what I meant by "matter of fact". Doing that. Did some research on they procedure, got the list of lawyers to meet, getting furnaces in order, so on. She saw be doing that.

[TobyBoy]

What you do now, as your getting your "ducks in a row", is start exposing!! Is the OM married? If yes then his betrayed wife first. Then her parents and close friends and so on.....if you think you might consider R later on, do yourself a favor and expose to her work now!

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Drone,

 

As others advise start lining uo your ducks. Make a to do list and just keep checking off the boxes. It is no different then building a house.

 

Get plans check.

 

Hire foundation contractior - check

 

Buy lumber - check

 

Etc,

 

Don't throw it in her face, but don't hide it either.

 

If she questions you simply say I am creating a new life for myself and my child free of adultery. Do not tell her your boundries per say. Instead explain what you expect of a wife in the future implying, not stating, it will NOT be her. After all, she stated she knows she lost you.

 

When she realizes there is no plan B and OM is a fantasy then she will panic.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, good to see you taking proactive steps to get control back in your life. After reading your story and that of Jeff1642 and of Tinkerbelle and so many others I find it very difficult to understand or begin to unravel the thought process that goes on in the mind of a wayward spouse. I am particularly floored by the actions of those spouses who are basically good family people, who have cherished all the good family values that most of us hold dear, who are intrinsically monogamous people, but who, in a moment of foolish weakness, throw away all that is precious to them and embark on a selfish destructive path which destroys their families and particularly their children and in the end gains them very little. I was reading the account of Home alone which has been closed now and it seemed to me that she came across as a very selfish self entitled person who expected her husband to just suck it up and take her back even after two years of cheating. Your wife does not seem to fall in that category but I guess there must be a sense of entitlement in her case too.

 

In any case I wish you all the very best going forward and I hope that you come through this crisis with flying colours. Jersey has some good advice and I hope for your sake that you will find a lady in the future who will love you for your sake and be true to only you. Warm wishes.

[S2B]

I'll add . Maybe this is a preamble to starting to work on the marriage, who knows, as the other poster said one help of a way to show it. Or maybe s she's starting to work on their marriage?

 

Your wife is working on "their marriage"? Working on marrying her OM?

 

 

And you wouldn't feel all of her emotional drama if you'd have her move. That way you could clear your mind enough to think about what YOU really want! It's really not possible to do that with her drama all around you each day.

[kgcolonel]

Drone....sorry you are going through this....has your WW continued posting in her journal? If so, any insight as to her state of mind or thoughts on where she's headed?

[merrmeade]

I'll add . Maybe this is a preamble to starting to work on the marriage, who knows, as the other poster said one help of a way to show it. Or maybe s she's starting to work on their marriage?

No, she has to believe she's losing you, which means YOU have believe and MEAN it. You don't do it to get a certain reaction from her. She has to knock herself out to convince you.

 

I'll add . Maybe this is a preamble to starting to work on the marriage, who knows, as the other poster said one help of a way to show it. Or maybe s she's starting to work on their marriage?

No, she has to believe it, which means YOU have believe and mean it. You don't do it to get a certain reaction from her. You're already looking behind your back. No, it is about you and your standards. As far as you're concerned she is a person who threw garbage on your marriage. This is all you know.

 

If she proves otherwise, that's a different matter, but you don't wait for it. you will notice, but you don't get your hopes up or show interest in taking her back unless she exhibits unequivocal evidence of a deep, clear, impassioned urge to change. You don't help her and should not be easy to please or quick. She must show deep, abiding remorse (not regret, not sorrow, not bland acceptance).

 

If there is even the possibility to come completely from her to convince you beyond the shadow of a doubt that this is all she wants and she'll do anything. SHE figures out what she needs to do: she VOLUNTARILY confesses all, she OFFERS access to all accounts, she writes/you send no-contact letter to AP.

 

You get the idea...

[S2B]

No one ever changes when they are comfortable. People change because they need to because they've been made to be uncomfortable.

 

Get my drift?

[Sparta]

Drone any update.?

[Drone117]

Drone any update.?

 

Best f:(#&!=)ng Christmas ever.

 

Looks like my best option is to come back here and all but hire some of you. It is evident I suck in thethis complicated relationship business and so called pro's are too busy celebrating with their families.

 

Don't worry I'm just being sarcastic.

[BluesPower]

I don't want to pry too much Drone, but your last post was a bit enigmatic.

 

What is actually happening with you and your wife. What is the status?

 

Did you guys split or what.

 

We are all concerned for you. And again I know you are hurting so bad.

 

We would like to know if you are OK.