Is anything going on

December 27, 2016

I don't want to pry too much Drone, but your last post was a bit enigmatic.

What is actually happening with you and your wife. What is the status?

Did you guys split or what.

We are all concerned for you. And again I know you are hurting so bad.

We would like to know if you are OK.

Ditto man... I hope your doing ok.. I think enough time has passed and you need to start making moves

December 27, 2016

QUOTE=Drone117;7169762]Best f:(#&!=)ng Christmas eve

Looks like my best option is to come back here and all but hire some of you. It is evident I suck in thethis complicated relationship business and so called pro's are too busy celebrating with their families.

Don't worry I'm just being sarcastic.

Drone,

Don't beat yourself up. No one and I mean no one has the ability to move through this unexpected explosion of marriage, trust, friendship, partnership with ease.

I still, years later, have moments of almost PTSD reaction to triggers.

Christmas and holidays in general are hard. The " new normal" I call it.

A day once filled with laughter, anticipation, full of family time now spent in two different houses. This year I didn't see my kids at all (they went to their dads). I was so thankful my best friend came over and spent the day with me. It is such a 180 from what Christmas used to be for me though...

On the positive side, this last year my business did vertical well, financiallyI am in great shape. Physically and mentally I am healthy and in great shape. I feel like I can conquer anything.

You will love and be loved again...

I have been dating someone that treats me EXTREMELY well. He gave me the most beautiful gifts. The best gifts I have ever received actually. He put so much thought into them and planned and created a beautiful Christmas for us. It is what love should feel like. He appreciates me. He cherishes me. I live with a broken heart but I am blessed and healing every day.

What she is doing to you is not love.

You will get through this... there is light at the end of this tunnel.

Hugs, Tink

Hang in there...

December 27, 2016

ok, I understand my last update was cryptic buy so is my situation.

Anyway, let be start again by dividing everything that is going on in 2 parts. The clear part is that I have started and well in a process of "making moves". Means I have decided to divorce and started the process. Not that I really wanted to be divorced but I've figured ooutut that's the only path available to me in order to be able to keep living my life. When you know that your wife was/is so infatuated with other man she ignored her family, her career, her upbringing dirty one romp after another, to hope this marriage is anything but a total write off would be just plain stupid.

So this path is long, time consuming (complex finances, investments.involved, the fact we married overseas, so on) but it us certain. It is business as usual for lawyers so I know what are the next steps and the outcomes. I was just frustrated the other day they don't work during holiday season. And to those who advice me to "kick her out, leave home, expose to her workplace". I can do it 2 ways, one is slow steady and perfectly legal divorce, which means I cannot kick her out and have to play by the rules; second would be to explode and turn it into Santa Barbara. I want the first one and proceeding accordingly. Not a lot to discuss really.

The second part is emotional component and our "relationship". This is a real mess, chaos and the whirlwind. Feel totally lost here. I don't understand what she wants, what she does, what she says and how do those 3 fit together. And what should I do or don't do there. Like she went 3-polar. Would really like some clarity in this department

Is she seeing him? Unlikely. Does she think about him?-Absolutely, kind of love and hate way. Has her relationship been exposed? Likely and I know she'd been called to HR. Does she tell me what she wants?. No.

December 27, 2016

Is she seeing him? Unlikely. Does she think about him?-Absolutely, kind of love and hate way. Has her relationship been exposed? Likely and I know she'd been called to HR. Does she tell me what she wants?. No.

That tells you she doesn't want you then doesn't it?

At this time R is not possible. She would have to be asking for it. You giving it would be meaningless.

December 27, 2016

Well I guess good for you, even though the whole thing sucks.

Are you taking care of yourself, if you go down everyone goes down.

She is still in the affair fog, so she thinks she loves him. That is why she is torn. And, as she figures out that she was just a side piece for him she will also start to lose her mind for a while.

Is she aware that you are divorcing her? Usually that snaps them out really quickly but not always.

So I guess you know that they see each other at work. And if you are divorcing who care is they are sleeping together. Although, that would be a reason that she has not snapped out of the fog yet, because they are seeing each other.

After the divorce you need to make a complaint to HR, not a sexual harassment complaint but a "Hey this whole department new this guy was destroying families and no one said a word to HR until recently"?

It may not matter and you may not care.

Is the guy single or married?

Are you OK overall or are you just dying inside?

Keep posting...

December 28, 2016

Hi Drone,

I liked you last post because it is showing you doing what you can first, trying to figure out what you can't later. That's all you can do and will keep you sane. Focus on the basics. First ad foremost your child and custody and how you will max it out.

Be well, there are a lot of success stories by people who have experienced what you are going though. All have one thing in common, they acted and refused to live in limbo. A few reconciled most divorced but all accepted the reality of their situation and moved.

December 28, 2016

I suggest you stop trying to figure her out. Your best goal is actually reach a point of apathy or indifference about what she does. As another poster suggested, her actions are not rational and haven't been for a while. Why do you think you'd be able to make sense of them. You will likely try for a long while anyway. But it will be pretty fruitless and a waste of your mental energy.

Focus on creating your second life. What's ironic is that by the end of all of this you'll likely understand her better than she understands herself. But it won't matter, because you will have detached and moved on. Your understanding will become fairly irrelevant because you can control anything with that information. You can only control yourself. And you'll be moving on.

I agree with those that urge you to proceed with actuons towards the divorce. In these situations, I always feel it's best to file and to let the service of the papers act as your confrontation. "Soft" and reasonable actions get you nowhere. Being serious about divorce sometimes acts as a real wake up call for the wayward. If your wife shows sufficient remorse (via actions) that you think you might be able to forgive, you can always halt the proceedings. And if she doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need. Let the onus be on her to drive the efforts towards any kind of reconciliation. And if she doesn't, then that bus goes nowhere.

December 28, 2016

Dying inside would be an overstatement. After all I'm not 17yo. Angry, tired and confused would be more accurate description. I hate confusion. Also humiliated.

She knows I'm working on a divorce. I don't make it a secret, but not trying to constantly waiving this banner in front of her either. I told her what is the arrangement I am aiming at and told her to get a legal advice. I'm not 100% sure she's acted on it or occupied with that prospect. Perhaps that is what she wants.

I'm not sure he's married. From her diary it is apparent he's not fully committed to her. Again she claims she recognises that but "couldn't resist" nevertheless. I may not even need to contact HR. Apparently the secret is out and she's been asked to contact them after holidays.

Likely caused by my quest for information earlier on, she's just stopped short of blaming me.

If this is fog or "true love", time will tell. I aim to be indifferent by that time as you've mentioned.

December 28, 2016

What arrangements are you shooting for?

Most states start with a 50/50 custody and modify it from there.

Does your child know the reason why you are divorcing? They do need to know why in an appropriate manner. They do have a need to know.

Where will filing be the best benefit to you in the final settlement?

December 28, 2016

Drone I understand the humiliation. Well, because it is humiliating.

And about now a part of you is trying to figure out what you did wrong. How you could have changed it. Understand this, it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, all of this is 100% on her. She broke up the family, she broke up the marriage, she will have to live with that.

You have to repeat these things to yourself kind of as a mantra. You have to burn it into your brain. It is not your fault. Were you not a good husband, no. Were you not a good enough lover, no. We you not caring and loving enough, no. Nothing you did could have ever made this happen or not happen.

The confusion that you have is from several things. Most men have never had to deal with this type of stuff on an emotional level. This is heavy and deep. It is hard for men to wrap your head around these things.

Also, the confusion is caused by some emotional numbness/shock. Your body and mind will only let your brain deal with as much at a time as it can, and the rest you won't be able to figure out.

When that is happening, maybe write the question down and save it for later. Over time you will be able to sort through all the questions and emotions.

I am curious if your wife has actually sat down and talked with you about what she has done? Have you all been able to talk about it at all? And if so, what was said?

Or is she just in shock that she got caught? And, why is office so interested in the affair at this point? Is it because star boy got his nuts in a crack, or is it because they are expecting a lawsuit form you and maybe his wife because the culture at that cesspool allowed this to happen? I wonder?

Who knows what the final solution to all of this is? You know sometimes marriages recover from this stuff. But a lot just don't.

Try to put yourself and you children first, she needs do not matter now. She has blown the right to be cared about.

Good bless you drone...

December 28, 2016

Drone I understand the humiliation. Well, because it is humiliating.

And about now a part of you is trying to figure out what you did wrong. How you could have changed it. Understand this, it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, all of this is 100% on her. She broke up the family, she broke up the marriage, she will have to live with that.

You have to repeat these things to yourself kind of as a mantra. You have to burn it into your brain. It is not your fault. Were you not a good husband, no. Were you not a good enough lover, no. We you not caring and loving enough, no. Nothing you did could have ever made this happen or not happen.

The confusion that you have is from several things. Most men have never had to deal with this type of stuff on an emotional level. This is heavy and deep. It is hard for men to wrap your head around these things.

Also, the confusion is caused by some emotional numbness/shock. Your body and mind will only let your brain deal with as much at a time as it can, and the rest you won't be able to figure out.

When that is happening, maybe write the question down and save it for later. Over time you will be able to sort through all the questions and emotions.

I am curious if your wife has actually sat down and talked with you about what she has done? Have you all been able to talk about it at all? And if so, what was said?

Or is she just in shock that she got caught? And, why is office so interested in the affair at this point? Is it because star boy got his nuts in a crack, or is it because they are expecting a lawsuit form you and maybe his wife because the culture at that cesspool allowed this to happen? I wonder?

Who knows what the final solution to all of this is? You know sometimes marriages recover from this stuff. But a lot just don't.

Try to put yourself and you children first, she needs do not matter now. She has blown the right to be cared about.

Good bless you drone...

Great post Blues,

Betrayal is devastating. It changed my perspective on life. It changed me... It is not a male/female thing per se however I believe men are somewhat programed to fix things (admirable trait) but she is clearly not worth the effort.

My heart breaks for you Drone.

Stay strong and keep your head held high. As others have said... focus on you, your health (make sure you are eating well, getting daily sunshine, exercise as much as possible).

Her actions are not a reflection of you they are a reflection of her.

Hugs, Tink

December 28, 2016

Dying inside would be an overstatement. After all I'm not 17yo. Angry, tired and confused would be more accurate description. I hate confusion. Also humiliated.

She knows I'm working on a divorce. I don't make it a secret, but not trying to constantly waiving this banner in front of her either. I told her what is the arrangement I am aiming at and told her to get a legal advice. I'm not 100% sure she's acted on it or occupied with that prospect. Perhaps that is what she wants.

I'm not sure he's married. From her diary it is apparent he's not fully committed to her. Again she claims she recognises that but "couldn't resist" nevertheless. I may not even need to contact HR. Apparently the secret is out and she's been asked to contact them after holidays.

Likely caused by my quest for information earlier on, she's just stopped short of blaming me.

If this is fog or "true love", time will tell. I aim to be indifferent by that time as you've mentioned.

Please do not allow her words to sink in. Her blaming you is typical cheater script. It is there way of dealing with their own guilt. To prove my point my ex had told me how amazing I was as a wife, mother, friend and how he could not live without me just two weeks prior to meeting his affair partner then after affair started I was the most horrible wife and apparently the cause of his cheating.

So yea... it will make you crazy trying to rationalize their irrational behavior so don't even try.

Focus your energy on you and your kids.

Hugs, Tink

December 28, 2016

Please do not allow her words to sink in. Her blaming you is typical cheater script. It is there way of dealing with their own guilt. To prove my point my ex had told me how amazing I was as a wife, mother, friend and how he could not live without me just two weeks prior to meeting his affair partner then after affair started I was the most horrible wife and apparently the cause of his cheating.

So yea... it will make you crazy trying to rationalize their irrational behavior so don't even try.

Focus your energy on you and your kids.

Hugs, Tink

Same with me. My exWW bragged to her friends and family about what a great guy I was when we were engaged. I hung the moon. For the first few years she acted like the perfect wife, and always told me how happy she was with me and what a great husband and provider I was. And I can honestly say I was as good a husband as I could be. I actually worked at the marriage.

What I didn't know was, while I was busting my butt making a living for us, she was a daytime serial cheater who was cutting through men like a scythe through wheat. When I eventually caught on to her shenanigans, gathered my proof and exposed her to friends and family, that sweet woman I married turned on me like a rattlesnake and blamed me for every one of her misdeeds. She had an excuse for everything she did, but it always came back to me being controlling, or boring, or repressive, or verbally abusive, that I was a dud and a party-pooper, and unsexy, and lousy in bed (she never complained before:o ).... Basically she did everything she could to make me look like the villain.

But the truth is a pernicious thing. It has a way of always rising to the top of the murk, like a turd floating to the surface of the swimming pool. All I had to do was consistently show everyone my collection of evidence, and slowly all her wing-women, supporters and friends fell away until nobody believed a damn word she said anymore.

Now she's a pathethic partying barfly who hangs around with scum, works a dead-end job, and who rarely ever comes to see her daughter, even though I allow her ample visitation. I'm so glad that her cheating showed me who she really was.

December 28, 2016

I am curious if your wife has actually sat down and talked with you about what she has done? Have you all been able to talk about it at all? And if so, what was said?

Or is she just in shock that she got caught? And, why is office so interested in the affair at this point? Is it because star boy got his nuts in a crack, or is it because they are expecting a lawsuit form you and maybe his wife because the culture at that cesspool allowed this to happen? I wonder?

I'll start when an easy answer. I don't know why the office (HR) is involved. What I know is that she's been requested to attend a meeting with them after the break, no agenda provided. And that is highly unusual given it's a typical corporate HR, that gets visible only if there's an issue of some kind. She told me that and that she's really worried about her job, and I agree. Think whatever you want of me, but that's one of the reasons I'm not showing the door

My guess, one of her female coworkers complained. Probably one if those who were cheering her up to respond to his advances and took the high stance when the affair got obvious.

In terms of discussing with me and talk like an adults about what happened and should happened - she trIed. I still have no clarity or closure though as I seem to be unable to decipher her verbal and non verbal messages. I have simply lost here. What she's saying to me (and partially confirmed through the diary) cannot coexist with my mind with intensity and score of the affair. Agog to the mix her inability to tell me what she really wants. Leave ne for him , no she doesn't want it. Continue with the marriage? She tells me she realizes that's impossible and unfair to me. Leave single lIfe? No. Sometimes I feel like she wants me or him to make the first move (towards her) and that's why she was so shocked I have decided to divorce so quickly.

Would be easily to explain in a face to face discussion, however I have no-one like that here and I hesitate to reveal more on the internet (what I mean is i value your advice very much but anyone can read this thread). I'm also deliberately leaving the legal details out because off that, it's going ok only too slow.

December 28, 2016

Why are all the decisions up to her?

December 28, 2016

So your the "fall guy" if she loses her job?

If she doesnt, she'll be financially secure to pursuit the OM.

I hope you can see that drone.

December 28, 2016

Your wise not to share legal details here. If you have a question, or something your lawyers say sound off, perhaps PM posters you think might offer you good advice.

I will say any lawyer that says to settle for less then 50/50 is full of it. I would also say if you think you cannot handle full custody, what can she do working full time and traveling that you cannot do? Do not sell yourself short and cheat yourself out of raising your child.

I think your wife is experiencing full blown limerence. Do a search on the term. Do not think once she is dumped suddenly she will wake up. No, in this respect a person her age (regardless of gender) is prone to limerence they simply do grow up.

Marriage is for adults not teenagers.

December 29, 2016

You seem to be spending a lot of time on how she feels and what may be coming at her for the future...

You would be wise to consider spending that time, instead, planning your future and sorting through how YOU feel.

I think you may be extremely codependent. You may benefit from a professional helping you with that.

December 29, 2016

In terms of discussing with me and talk like an adults about what happened and should happened - she trIed. I still have no clarity or closure though as I seem to be unable to decipher her verbal and non verbal messages. I have simply lost here. What she's saying to me (and partially confirmed through the diary) cannot coexist with my mind with intensity and score of the affair. Agog to the mix her inability to tell me what she really wants. Leave ne for him , no she doesn't want it. Continue with the marriage? She tells me she realizes that's impossible and unfair to me. Leave single lIfe? No. Sometimes I feel like she wants me or him to make the first move (towards her) and that's why she was so shocked I have decided to divorce so quickly.
.

You need to be thinking of what you want. She already left you for him. She just didn't tell you.

Don't let your heart get in your way too much here. It always betrays you in these circumstances. Unlike most you have insight that most don't have.

You'll be fine if you can stay strong. It's still a bit early yet but she's definitely showing no remorse which means you have nothing to work with.

December 29, 2016

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

December 29, 2016

Agree with the last two posters. What do you want ?

I understand as a BS you want for her not to have comminted adultery. But she did. I understand you want her to feel remorse and to save the marriage - BUT she does not want to. If she did she would already saying so. No answer is an answer. The answer is she does not want to tell you the truth and spur you to act.

You have started to act legally now start to work on emtionally. Read up on the 180 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Custody, what do you want? Not what you might get, what do you want. Who are you as a father? What role do you play in your child's life.

Finally, exposure. Do not let her controll the narrative. Many are shocked to discover what their WS have told their family and friends. Be prepared.

Is anything going on

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