Is anything going on

[Drone117]

She's content with the actions she's taken. You at this time have nothing to work with. It takes two. Stay strong and move forward.

 

You'll be better off longterm. Although your heart won't see it yet.

 

Agree. I gave up on any chances she'd want and try to repair, seems we are both past this point.

[Drone117]

For what it's worth, she's got a very rocky road ahead of her. If she's lucky enough to keep her job, she'll have a big black mark on her record that will impede her career. Lover-boy might not be interested in commitment (possibly seeing her just as an easy lay) and also is concerned about his career.

 

She's possibly lost both a job, her true Romeo, and the husband-rock that she has leaned on for years (without realizing the extent of her dependence). She might start acting very irrationally as her world crumbles around her. She'll either look to you for support, or take out her hostility on you. Just keep your distance, and don't get baited into sex or arguments.

 

Also very accurate, based on they pieces of the puzzle available to me. Like that'd make a good translation to English from our native language. Very accurate once again. Call it wishful thinking on my side, but I think she contacted him to find out if he knows about that HR call and he was not supportive or forthcoming.

[Miky]

I totally agree with the above, only to add that this is very close to what I read and interpret.

 

I feel really low for keep reading but couldn't resist. Need to end this soon.

 

Drone,

I would do exactly the same, just the mere knowledge that there is a piece of information that is out there that I have not read will drive me insane, even more then the hurt the information would cause me, I would need/want to know every little detail of what is in there, to be able to process am much as possible, I would deal with the hurt of the essence of the words later, glutton for punishment as they say,

 

That is the way my brain is wired.

 

As I said, I believe these words are "addicts" blabber, nothing more then rainbow and unicorn talk, she is infatuated with this douche and the issue is, as always, after the high of the affair comes the lows and these are devastating for some WWs,

 

you have log history with her, living together going to the daily hardship of the relationship, there is an emotional connection between the two of you that spans a decade, part of being a family and raising a child together , she does not have that with him and soon enough once the novelty will fade, reality will hit of what she has done, even if they will end up together next week, no one healthy and normal mentally can sever a long and deep connection of a long term relationship(unless they have been unhappy for a long time, or due to abusive relationships), some get the fog lifted fully some years down the line after the betrayed spouse is long gone or in a new relationship,

I know personally of a situation of a Walk Away Wife of a friend of mine that had the "WTFHID" moment the day my friend was about to get married with his new GF, they have a son together, and the devastation of the realization of what she has done had drove her insane, it took her close to 2 years to got out of the fog, throw out the OM that was living with her (at my friends old home...) and come begging for my friends forgiveness, she knew he is gone for her, but had to try, she needed psychiatric help to cope with the devastation and realization of what she has done.

 

your wife's affair drugs and highs will eventually fizzle out and reality will sink in, you need to understand this state of mind of her and be somewhat prepared, most men in your situation are far from your position of strength and resolve, and are in much weaker vantage point in this situation, the fact that you speak consequence with her is a HUGE deal and gives you full control.

 

It is in your power at this moment to make the decisions, Reconcile or Divorce, I know you are resolute on Divorce now and I think this is the way to go, the marriage you had is gone and irreparable and need to be terminated, she detonated a nuclear device on it and it is no longer there, however, there is nothing that prevents you to entertain dating her and having a new relationship with her after the Divorce is completed, the current marriage is gone.

 

I would say keep the course you are on and watch carefully how she behaves, be respectful of her even with all the hurt she has caused you,

She is still your Son's mother and need basic respect, no need to be nasty to her as this will serve as a justification to what she has done, the Key is to show "indifference" this is the state that will be most effective on her, as any other emotion will feed her justification mechanism to quite her guilty conscious.

 

Keep the course, you are doing well

[Jersey born raised]

Drone I read her, exWW, emails until we sighed the final agreement. Be careful not to reveal your sources. Does she know you reading her dairy? In any event try to focus on what she is doing towards and what she wants from a divorce.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You have done remarkably well under the circumstances. I get the impression that she thought that Prince Charming would step up and now she is realizing that she is just the flavor of the month. Also she realizes that chances of recovering the marriage is not likely. Still she is the one that drove this relationship in the ditch and until she makes a big move, there is nothing for you to do. Keeping things cordial should help to get through the legal issues with less blood-letting.

 

I recommend exercise to help with stress relief and make a healthier you. Start doing things with just you and the children to get them use to the transition. Involve yourself in a hobby that you may have ignored or always wanted to try. This is also a good time to take inventory of the relationship and look at those things that you could have done to improve things. These will be helpful as you move forward.

 

I assume that you have already looked to secure finances, logistics of where you will live, child visitation, etc. This is going to take a long time to get over, but you will in time and my guess is you will do well.

[BluesPower]

Yeah try not to gloat when her OM throws her to the wolves. Which I guaranty that he will.

 

Be aware that more than likely she will come to you crying and begging for you to take her back.

 

It will be your decision if you want to.

[Drone117]

Yeah try not to gloat when her OM throws her to the wolves. Which I guaranty that he will.

 

Be aware that more than likely she will come to you crying and begging for you to take her back.

 

It will be your decision if you want to.

 

Confirmed, a complaint has been logged with HR accusing them of having inappropriate relationship in the workplace. The OM had been interviewed first and basically shifted the blame on her, claiming she was chasing and pressuring him. Not true, as i know for sure he was chasing her relentlessly. What a catch. Official process is underway. Call me codependent or whatever but I feel sorry for her.

[kgcolonel]

Confirmed, a complaint has been logged with HR accusing them of having inappropriate relationship in the workplace. The OM had been interviewed first and basically shifted the blame on her, claiming she was chasing and pressuring him. Not true, as i know for sure he was chasing her relentlessly. What a catch. Official process is underway. Call me codependent or whatever but I feel sorry for her.

 

Drone, i understand you....you and your wife have a history and you love her. She betrayed you and made some really bad choices which may ultimately end your marriage but that doesn't mean that you don't pity her and feel bad for the situation she is in. I see you as being just as normal as a person who truly loves his wife or soon to be ex as a husband should love her. It's really sad that she will only now begin to recognize the depth of your love for her......

[Sweetfish]

Confirmed, a complaint has been logged with HR accusing them of having inappropriate relationship in the workplace. The OM had been interviewed first and basically shifted the blame on her, claiming she was chasing and pressuring him. Not true, as i know for sure he was chasing her relentlessly. What a catch. Official process is underway. Call me codependent or whatever but I feel sorry for her.

 

Possibly, the person you know submitted a complaint. This is a hard lesson for her to swallow now. I think reality is going to start sinking. The fog will lift and she will start to really feel the damage as the drug of attachment dies off. Its truly sad.

 

I wonder how your feeling and views will shift?

[Jersey born raised]

The only question for your Drone is if she loses her job how does that help you gain increased custody and does it cost you money in terms of spousal support?

 

You need to discuss your legal standing with a lawyer in regards to her termination. The fact her termination effects you financially might give you independent standing to sue her company if they attempt to throw her under the bus to save the rising "superstar".

 

Insane ? Welcome to the US legal system. The truth is if OM did not pusue your wife you would still be married but that not the concern of the court. Wife fired for sexual misconduct but not OM resulting in a finacial loss on your part, might be.

 

Why should you pay money for years because he chose to fornicate with your wife? Fire one, fire both!!!

 

There is little a BH can do to to cause predators pause or pain. Do what you can legally. He and your wife chose adultery, blow up his life perhaps he and his pack mates will think twice before going after a marriage again.

[Drone117]

Let's say it's complicated, but no, it won't affect the custody and financially it's better if she keeps the job. Not in a major way but still. Suing the company is another matter, even if possible I'm definitely not there yet. Perhaps it is legally viable but I can't see myself doing that. You and me know the company has very little to do with all this.

 

 

The good thing - I can now go and get the bastard, they cannot blame me for losing their jobs anymore.

 

 

The only question for your Drone is if she loses her job how does that help you gain increased custody and does it cost you money in terms of spousal support?

 

You need to discuss your legal standing with a lawyer in regards to her termination. The fact her termination effects you financially might give you independent standing to sue her company if they attempt to throw her under the bus to save the rising "superstar".

 

Insane ? Welcome to the US legal system. The truth is if OM did not pusue your wife you would still be married but that not the concern of the court. Wife fired for sexual misconduct but not OM resulting in a finacial loss on your part, might be.

 

Why should you pay money for years because he chose to fornicate with your wife? Fire one, fire both!!!

 

There is little a BH can do to to cause predators pause or pain. Do what you can legally. He and your wife chose adultery, blow up his life perhaps he and his pack mates will think twice before going after a marriage again.

[Drone117]

Possibly, the person you know submitted a complaint. This is a hard lesson for her to swallow now. I think reality is going to start sinking. The fog will lift and she will start to really feel the damage as the drug of attachment dies off. Its truly sad.

 

I wonder how your feeling and views will shift?

 

She had been told about "multiple complaints", so more than one person new I guess.

 

In terms of how my views and feelings may change - do you mean when (or if) the fog lifts?

 

I don't really know, all I know that i feel stupid now and this feeling will likely to get stronger. What I mean is I'd understand I'd she'd choose a better man - better provider, better lower, better character and integrity. Would still be pissed off bit at least there well be some logic in this show. Now, in terms of provider, he's got a good job, however not on the same ballpark comparing to mine. Lower -as per her own diary he was so-so. Integrity - she told me about that HR thing when attempting to "have a talk". Despite hey attempts to convince me and herself she was expecting him to take cover, she was obviously shocked and disappointed.

 

So all in all, why the f.... did she do it?

[BluesPower]

So all in all, why the f.... did she do it?

 

So that is the ultimate question that you will never have an answer for. Why.

 

You might as well stop trying to figure it out because you cannot.

 

And she is still in the fog, yes even still, because she knows that he dumped her in the fire and she still wants to protect him because of the fog. Oh, boy will you see some real crying when she figures out how stupid she was.

 

When she completely understands what she has lost and it all becomes real she will finally just freak out and lose her mind for a while.

 

My wife had an affair with the biggest dork in the world. And, after I put him in the hospital she was mad at me for doing it.

 

She was more worried that I may have killed him than she was about the fact the he deserver what he got.

 

So don't try to figure out why. But you will know when the fog actually lifts, you will know when she realizes what a fool she has been.

[tinkerbell16]

Ml

She had been told about "multiple complaints", so more than one person new I guess.

 

In terms of how my views and feelings may change - do you mean when (or if) the fog lifts?

 

I don't really know, all I know that i feel stupid now and this feeling will likely to get stronger. What I mean is I'd understand I'd she'd choose a better man - better provider, better lower, better character and integrity. Would still be pissed off bit at least there well be some logic in this show. Now, in terms of provider, he's got a good job, however not on the same ballpark comparing to mine. Lower -as per her own diary he was so-so. Integrity - she told me about that HR thing when attempting to "have a talk". Despite hey attempts to convince me and herself she was expecting him to take cover, she was obviously shocked and disappointed.

 

So all in all, why the f.... did she do it?

 

Drone, most affair partners are a trading down. It's all about the affair partner makes the cheater feel. When playing with a "lower" individual the cheater feels empowered, worshipped, idealized. All ego kibbles.

 

Even Halle Berry has been cheated on by multiple partners.

 

It's an unhealthy way to manage personal deficits.

 

It's a character flaw in my opinion.

 

If she manages stress in unhealthy ways this is an extension and more damaging example of it.

 

Unless HUGE amounts of personal work and therapy is done on her part it will be a repeated behavior.

Edited January 4, 2017 by tinkerbell16

[understand50]

 

So all in all, why the f.... did she do it?

 

The only reason that you will get, and the only one that is real. She wanted to, and she could. I would also add, she did not think she would be cought, and so never face the consequences. She could have her side sex, and keep you and her family.

 

I wish you luck...

[BuddyX]

Annnnndd watch her trying to comeback into your life.

 

Previous LS member said it best;

"A woman splits and goes silent for months and then mysteriously wants to reunite? Her primary choice of orgasm donor found a better charity."

 

But in your case, I think she lost respect for him.

[Birdies]

What I mean is I'd understand I'd she'd choose a better man - better provider, better lower, better character and integrity. Would still be pissed off bit at least there well be some logic in this show. Now, in terms of provider, he's got a good job, however not on the same ballpark comparing to mine. Lower -as per her own diary he was so-so. Integrity - she told me about that HR thing when attempting to "have a talk". Despite hey attempts to convince me and herself she was expecting him to take cover, she was obviously shocked and disappointed.

 

So all in all, why the f.... did she do it?

 

Because she was bored with her life and marriage and kid, and he made her feel special and wanted and gave her schoolgirl first-crush butterflies. Sadly, that's all it really takes in some situations.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. She's not bending over backwards to make it up to you, and so you're doing the right thing. Hang in there buddy.

[kgcolonel]

Because she was bored with her life and marriage and kid, and he made her feel special and wanted and gave her schoolgirl first-crush butterflies. Sadly, that's all it really takes in some situations.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. She's not bending over backwards to make it up to you, and so you're doing the right thing. Hang in there buddy.

 

I think this is one of the harder things to wrap your head around now that you know what she did....the feeling that she's not distressed about the damage she's done to you, the family and the marriage is just beyond understanding. It speaks to, "yes, I did wrong but whatever" comes without remorse and is the equivalent to salt in the open bleeding wound....

 

Very sorry you are going through this, hand in there.

[WilyWill]

I would not be surprised if you see a drastic change in her over the coming days. She might suddenly drop to her knees and confess her undying love for you, and her willingness to do anything to make it up to you. After all, OM has shown his true colors and who could love a man like that?

 

Only you can decide whether being "Plan B" is going to be good enough for you. At this point, she's got a hell of an uphill battle to convince you that you're her first choice, or to convince you that she'll never be looking for another man again.

Edited January 4, 2017 by WilyWill

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Drone,

 

Why is the company involved? I realize the question seems off key, let me explain.

 

The company's only concern is work performance of tasks and interactions within the work force and to some degree public image. That's it. From their POV to investigated means that the adultery has caused harmed in her fullfillment in job tasks or created an enviorment that causes others job performance to suffer.

 

So what are they investigating? I realize your WW works in higher Ed and they have there own standards. For them to take actions invovled some serious issues usually embezzlement, fraud, or sexual harassment.

[Marc878]

It's not uncommon for companies to have ethics standards, etc.

 

I saw one enforced where I work @2 years ago.

 

Fairly high up salary person terminated.

[Marc878]

She had been told about "multiple complaints", so more than one person new I guess.

 

In terms of how my views and feelings may change - do you mean when (or if) the fog lifts?

 

I don't really know, all I know that i feel stupid now and this feeling will likely to get stronger. What I mean is I'd understand I'd she'd choose a better man - better provider, better lower, better character and integrity. Would still be pissed off bit at least there well be some logic in this show. Now, in terms of provider, he's got a good job, however not on the same ballpark comparing to mine. Lower -as per her own diary he was so-so. Integrity - she told me about that HR thing when attempting to "have a talk". Despite hey attempts to convince me and herself she was expecting him to take cover, she was obviously shocked and disappointed.

 

So all in all, why the f.... did she do it?

 

Because she got hot for him and wanted to. She didn't think she'd get caught. It's probably just that simple.

 

At the time sex with him meant more than you, the child or the marriage.

Edited January 4, 2017 by Marc878

[Sweetfish]

So all in all, why the f.... did she do it?

 

I know everyone has different advice and answers to this, but your answer has been right in front of you the whole time. Its in everything she wrote. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship with your wife. But she threw everything out the window...because she felt empowered by her looks and acceptance. The whole idea that this guy was pursuing her is exactly why she did what she did. Its not about status or looks... but you should also question the last time you called your wife amazing, beautiful, or great mother to your kids. Irronically, before the affair she took you for granted as well, but most men are content on supplying the ground work of stability for the family and resources.

 

Maybe because your wife took you for granted and never told you how much she appericates you recently, in return you felt no need to reciprocate or vice versa. Hence the relationship was breaking down without you even knowing it.

 

Your answer is in her wiritings i believe and not the answer you probably want.

 

Its not fair nor right.. but if you let another women read those writings your wife wrote i wouldnt be surprised she sees the same thing i believe.

 

Just a thought

[aliveagain]

Please do not be her option B because it will only be a matter of time before your in a similar situation with a new other man. She now knows that she was nothing but a piece on the side for her other man and everything he told her was a lie to get into her pants. She made it easy because she wanted it with him or it would never have happened. Should you decide you want to give her a second chance make sure you do it for the right reasons. Do nothing until you talk to a lawyer.

 

Her investment in the other man is now showing dividends. Her new reality is setting in and she is realizing just how fu*ked her world is about to be. She will be coming to you to save her but that is no longer your responsibility. Continue on the path you are on, she has time to prove her remorse, divorce takes time and you may find that divorce is really what you want. No matter what you will be OK because we all went through it and we all made it to the other side. The cost of a second chance just went up and should include a brutal post nuptial agreement that gives you custody and most of the assets of the marriage if you divorce because of a new infidelity. You are in a much stronger position now then you were before, stay strong and again, don't be her fallback position.

[Drone117]

I "liked" specific responses above which are very accurate (to save me from typing " you are correct, thank you" multiple times.

 

Jersey, I don't know why the company involved, it's just the fact. And that is why I'm finding suggestions to go you their board, sue them etc to be "stretchy".

 

My guess - if you (hr) have multiple complaints, you have to investigate.