Cephalopod Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Ml Drone, most affair partners are a trading down. It's all about the affair partner makes the cheater feel. When playing with a "lower" individual the cheater feels empowered, worshipped, idealized. All ego kibbles. Even Halle Berry has been cheated on by multiple partners. It's an unhealthy way to manage personal deficits. It's a character flaw in my opinion. If she manages stress in unhealthy ways this is an extension and more damaging example of it. Unless HUGE amounts of personal work and therapy is done on her part it will be a repeated behavior. Good points. And I think a lot of cheaters affair down because it gives them a sense of control. Control can be an addictive drug, and if this OM was of a lower or equal species, she probably got off on the power she had over him. Not so much with her husband, who is obviously her superior in most ways that count. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drone117 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 So, basically, she said "I'm married!", he said "I don't care!" and then she said "You have flattered me, sir, and now I don't care that I'm married, either!" Well, removing all complexities and pretty words from the equation... Yes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I had no romantic illusions about men. I did have about women. Thank you LS for destroying them! The truth shall set you free! My ex gf was the epitome of a 'nice girl'. Bookish, empathetic, romantic introvert. Lived together for 3 years. Didn't stop her ****ing my friend and blaming me for it.... Please read what I said again before you attack. I'm not your problem. I used the example of "men" so you, a man, would see how extreme your views are being. I'm sorry that you were so deeply hurt. I (contrary to your current thought process) am also a damaged, betrayed person. I have NEVER cheated on anyone in my life. You (& the OP if he allows his experience to color his view of the entire opposite sex) are far less likely to find happiness in your future if you think this way. You are also in danger of taking your revenge on other women, further inflicting pain on yourself & changing her as you have been changed by that awful life experience. I'm not your enemy. You lashed out without reading. I can understand that that reaction comes from a deep pain inflicted upon you. Please remember that your 'friend' also betrayed you. Are you going to hate & have zero trust for EVERYONE because of this? That would be tragic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drone117 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 With other women in competition with your wife "for his attention", and your wife being cheered on "as the favorite" in this competition for the other man, it sure sounds like your wife did some of the pursuing. Maybe not initially, but eventually. No. With his pressure, peer encouragement plus what you'd call weak boundaries she didn't have to do any pursuing. Just drift with the flow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drone117 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 Yep! Reading an exclusively INFIDELITY related forum is going to do that to you! This isn't most people's experience of love & marriage. If you can be a good partner, an honest, cherishing & loyal husband your experiences, hopefully, will be completely different from what you read here. If I said that ALL men are shallow, cheating scum how would you feel? If you know deep down inside that that's completely untrue of you then you stand a far better chance of all your romantic notions coming true! Even at worst moments I'd say that sort of generalization feels somehow stretched too far. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 No. With his pressure, peer encouragement plus what you'd call weak boundaries she didn't have to do any pursuing. Just drift with the flow. So you're saying he initiated every conversation? Odds are, they went NC few times and she reached out as well. Think about it, your wife enjoyed the attention, if it got pulled she went back to the source.. I guarantee. Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Every time I feel melancholy about being single I read one of these long threads and feel so thankful for my uncomplicated life. The wonderful thing about LS for a romantic like me is that it has killed all my remaining romantic illusions about women stone dead. This thread though has been especially instructive in its tragic awfulness. I wish the best for the OP and admire his Stoicism. Not all women, nor all men are like this. It's only between 25 and 40 percent... So please don't generalize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I had no romantic illusions about men. I did have about women. Thank you LS for destroying them! The truth shall set you free! My ex gf was the epitome of a 'nice girl'. Bookish, empathetic, romantic introvert. Lived together for 3 years. Didn't stop her ****ing my friend and blaming me for it.... Its really hard to resist the red pill after being in that type of relationship 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drone117 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 Good points. And I think a lot of cheaters affair down because it gives them a sense of control. Control can be an addictive drug, and if this OM was of a lower or equal species, she probably got off on the power she had over him. Not so much with her husband, who is obviously her superior in most ways that count. Nice theory and I really appreciate any possible explanations that may answer the "why" 'question, but I have to disagree. AFAIK he was or is some sort of control freak. He enjoys the control. I know that at times I can be too directive as well (military part and all) and have to control it, but wouldn't go that far out of respect ghee a women and especially the mother of my kid. Actually sometimes I wonder if there is some hidden submissiveness in her? Or whatever it is called. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drone117 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 So you're saying he initiated every conversation? Odds are, they went NC few times and she reached out as well. Think about it, your wife enjoyed the attention, if it got pulled she went back to the source.. I guarantee. Ok, I agree, just not want I call aggressively pursuing. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 (edited) Its really hard to resist the red pill after being in that type of relationship Red Pill has a sweet taste to it. It does open up your eyes. Edited January 8, 2017 by BuddyX Grammar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Not all women, nor all men are like this. It's only between 25 and 40 percent... So please don't generalize. Its at 50% and infidelity is about 60% so riddle me this...its just not worth the investment. would you sign a contract that states you have a 57% chance of losing your home and kids and 100% of all your investment into your loving wife? Not all men or women are like that NOW. I bet 5 years ago the OP's wife would have swore on who's ever grave she would never cheat. I agree with the poster that said he played his wife... There is a thread about a women who was starting to like a co-worker and everyone here warned her not to do it... well she denied him and his true colors came out just like the OP's wife OM. Its really is a drug... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drone117 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 I bet 5 years ago the OP's wife would have swore on who's ever grave she would never cheat. I agree with the poster that said he played his wife... ... My first post was mid November,... So how about 2 months ago instead of 5 years? Safe bet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Not all women, nor all men are like this. It's only between 25 and 40 percent... So please don't generalize. Even if your # are correct, then why is fidelity so difficult? I mean, it's simple, if you're single, date and have fun. If you're in a relationship stay Monogamous. It's black and white. Why do so many people make it grey? "You know what real love is? Sacrifice" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Its at 50% and infidelity is about 60% so riddle me this...its just not worth the investment. would you sign a contract that states you have a 57% chance of losing your home and kids and 100% of all your investment into your loving wife? Not all men or women are like that NOW. I bet 5 years ago the OP's wife would have swore on who's ever grave she would never cheat. I agree with the poster that said he played his wife... There is a thread about a women who was starting to like a co-worker and everyone here warned her not to do it... well she denied him and his true colors came out just like the OP's wife OM. Its really is a drug... Exactly! I dont hate woman or think they are any worse then men, its just that I have no romantic illusions about them any more. Take that those illusions away and its hard to summon up much enthusiasm for causal dating, never mind living together or marriage. Really I can ever see myself getting married now... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 My first post was mid November,... So how about 2 months ago instead of 5 years? Safe bet. I would have rated the odds my ex gf cheating on me as being the same as her being some multi tentacled alien from Alpha Centuri. I would have bet my life on her virtue... Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Exactly! I dont hate woman or think they are any worse then men, its just that I have no romantic illusions about them any more. Take that those illusions away and its hard to summon up much enthusiasm for causal dating, never mind living together or marriage. Really I can ever see myself getting married now... on YouTube look up "tupac as a teen tupac as a man..." Its not work safe...(profanity) This is extreme..but look how woman change this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Nice theory and I really appreciate any possible explanations that may answer the "why" 'question, but I have to disagree. AFAIK he was or is some sort of control freak. He enjoys the control. I know that at times I can be too directive as well (military part and all) and have to control it, but wouldn't go that far out of respect ghee a women and especially the mother of my kid. Actually sometimes I wonder if there is some hidden submissiveness in her? Or whatever it is called. Well that is another possibility. Maybe she likes to be dominated. Some people do. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 (edited) I would have rated the odds my ex gf cheating on me as being the same as her being some multi tentacled alien from Alpha Centuri. I would have bet my life on her virtue... I've just read through your previous threads! What happened to your dreamy musician that you were having such amazing sex with whilst lying to BOTH her & your girlfriend about the others existence? No wonder you don't have very much faith in monogamy as you're one of the % who knows how easy it is to betray someone that you love. There are many, pretty similar % of infidelity statistics around. Many include those who EVER cheated. That includes many very young 'exit affair' type relationships & student drunken hook-ups. As I said, similar %. Does anyone know of more reliable (I know there are all kinds of statistics around & how can any researcher really know? I'm not getting at that) studies of infidelity in long term first marriages? Is it still about 50%? I find these numbers so depressing! I don't come from a family with much infidelity (that I know of) or divorce. I liked my old innocent life Sorry Drone that this has gone off on a tangent. As a depressed BS I find the prevelance of infidelity 'interesting'. I HATE to think that the chances of being in a loving, loyal "until death us do part" marriage are so rare. Does it make you consider reconciliation any differently? I'm still not convinced that I'm a person who can truly get past the devastation. The fact that adultery is so common (whatever the %) doesn't change the fact that I had such faith in OUR love. Edited January 8, 2017 by ShatteredLady 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 There are many, pretty similar % of infidelity statistics around. Many include those who EVER cheated. That includes many very young 'exit affair' type relationships & student drunken hook-ups. As I said, similar %. Does anyone know of more reliable (I know there are all kinds of statistics around & how can any researcher really know? I'm not getting at that) studies of infidelity in long term first marriages? Is it still about 50%? I find these numbers so depressing! I don't come from a family with much infidelity (that I know of) or divorce. I liked my old innocent life Sorry Drone that this has gone off on a tangent. As a depressed BS I find the prevelance of infidelity 'interesting'. I HATE to think that the chances of being in a loving, loyal "until death us do part" marriage are so rare. Does it make you consider reconciliation any differently? I'm still not convinced that I'm a person who can truly get past the devastation. The fact that adultery is so common (whatever the %) doesn't change the fact that I had such faith in OUR love. These numbers are considered liberal numbers. I will tell you some real data. Every single employee I've worked with for the last 8 years in my profession. HAS cheated on their S.O. with the exception of me and 4 other guys. This is out of over a 100 maybe. I am considered by many of my fellow workers as the perfect boyfriend/husband. I've traveled to other countries where drop dead gorgeous women have approached me and my fellow employees.. women that men would DIE for and I watched as these co-workers cheated on their wives time after time. There is no way for the wife to know... absolute nothing. So I think its more common than you think.. BTW out of those 4 guys... 2 of them were cheated on and divorced by their wives 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I wonder, if there were a disease that people who either cheated or had the predilection to cheat died from, but was otherwise harmless to everyone else on the planet, just how many humans would be alive afterwards? My guess: less than a million planetwide. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Ugh! I worked in a very male dominated industry. Head office, successful high earners with extremely flexible hours & expense accounts. Nearly all 'happily' married with children. They 'ran books' (gambled & rated) all of the women joining the company (secretaries, telesales etc). Disgusting It was very organized. Women were rated on everything from breast size too bum pertness. The MM received a variety of points for a full shag week 1. That steadily decreased until they became the hard to get list where the prizes (High end drinks) increased. A car BJ was 10 points, hotel 20. Video or photographic evidence went into 'The Book'. Some of these women would gush about how in-luv they were. How he was going to leave his wife. How romantic he was. Whilst he was racking-up points for a good malt or a bottle of champagne to share with his wife!! Everyone knew & the women had no respect & no career advancement. I always believed that it was the industry (Alcohol). From the top down all Management had recognized mistresses who travelled with them. Spouses were only ever invited to attend the lunch time Christmas party. All other functions were strictly employees only. I was the only senior woman in the whole section. There were (of course) some men who didn't participate & remained faithful but they were joked about like school yard geeks. Only one of my friends had a similar experience at her company. There it was the 'norm' to go out after work on Friday nights, drink a lot & 'get-off' with each other! Adultery in the workplace was considered rare according to everyone else I knew who worked in different industries. I wonder if infidelity is more or less prevalent according to profession? I've heard that military, police & teachers are bad but I don't have any first hand experience. Can't remember where I heard that?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Hi Drone, Have you exposed to her family yet? Does your child know why ? What are the terms you are looking for in the divorce? Take pro-active steps to protect yourself from her re-writing the marriage to family, friends and your son. Please ! Link to post Share on other sites
Blanch Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I thought it strange that co-workers were egging them on while at the same time there have been multiple complaints. Could it be that she misinterpreted their reactions? Especially if the language used was ambiguous. For example if someone says in English “for goodness sake get a room you two” this is actually an expression of disgust at their behavior rather than encouragement. Also even though you believe his wife knows all, I think you should still contact her because it's likely he's not given her the full story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drone117 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 Does it make you consider reconciliation any differently? I'm still not convinced that I'm a person who can truly get past the devastation. The fact that adultery is so common (whatever the %) doesn't change the fact that I had such faith in OUR love. I'm sorry for you own experience. Just to be sure - I assume this was an open question, not a question to me? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts