Is anything going on

[elaine567]

He NEEDS to read the diary as it gives him the answers he needs.

So many BSs spend years and even decades wondering "why", wondering "if", wondering "did he?", "did she?" They have to rely on trickle truthing and downright lies or just silence from the WS.

Yes, it will be hard reading it, but sometimes imagined scenarios are million times worse than the real truth.

Here, he has a lot of the answers in black and white, why would he give up that opportunity to put a lot of his concerns and worries to rest?

Putting away the diary does not alter the fact that those things happened.

Sometimes the "not knowing" is a lot worse and more difficult to come to terms with.

 

Even if it proves too hard to read atm, he needs to make a copy of it, so when a thought crops into his head way in the future, he can consult it and may be get an answer

He needs to be able to make an "informed" decision about his future, the diary may give him enough info to do that.

[anna121]

He NEEDS to read the diary as it gives him the answers he needs.

So many BSs spend years and even decades wondering "why", wondering "if", wondering "did he?", "did she?" They have to rely on trickle truthing and downright lies or just silence from the WS.

Yes, it will be hard reading it, but sometimes imagined scenarios are million times worse than the real truth.

Here, he has a lot of the answers in black and white, why would he give up that opportunity to put a lot of his concerns and worries to rest?

Putting away the diary does not alter the fact that those things happened.

Sometimes the "not knowing" is a lot worse and more difficult to come to terms with.

 

Even if it proves too hard to read atm, he needs to make a copy of it, so when a thought crops into his head way in the future, he can consult it and may be get an answer

He needs to be able to make an "informed" decision about his future, the diary may give him enough info to do that.

 

First of all, I was under the impression that he has, in fact, read it and gleaned the important information he needs at this point.

 

I am concerned that he not DROWN in the diary which will be a limerence-filled mess straight from his wife's addled mind.

 

Certainly he should read it, but, right now IMO he more urgent things to think and strategize about.

[drifter777]

Don't know about you, in our family it was usual for the husband to storm out, telling he's not coming home and go almost silent. Former family I'd guess. She texted she's so sorry.

 

Drifter777, perhaps you are right, bit it is too late. I cannot ever unread it. It's all in there.

 

Drone - I know you had to read it buddy & what you read will be burned into your heart forever. What I'm trying to say - and not doing a very good job of - is try not to go back and re-read it. I'm sure you've done it a dozen times already because you have to - your mind is not willing to accept these horrible things and pushes you to re-read them in hopes something has changed. That somehow it's not as bad as it feels. I'm just saying that obsessing over this source of pain is a trap and you are making it hard for your head to move forward when you go back and read those awful words again.

[TobyBoy]

I would have killed for a diary of my fww EA!! Believe it or not, consider yourself lucky you found it. Yeah it hurts, but what hurts more are the lies and gas lighting that usually happens after confrontation.

[Drone117]

That is correct, very little left to imagination. At least I don't have to guess or feel paranoid anymore, so in some perverted way it's a relief of sorts.

[BluesPower]

Try to post some detail about how you are feeling, it will help you sort through your emotions.

 

When will you confront, have you decided? How are you doing, overall?

 

Keep us posted...

[Sparta]

OP how does she know you know.? Does she know you have access to her journal and if so how did that all come about can you elaborate on that. Of course when you have a chance...

[Marc878]

That is correct, very little left to imagination. At least I don't have to guess or feel paranoid anymore, so in some perverted way it's a relief of sorts.

 

Sorry man but knowing is better than being in the dark.

 

Take some time to think it through. Everyone at this time is on your clock.

 

Do not give up your source.

[turnera]

So now that you know, are you done? If so, just take the legal route to get out.

 

If you're not done, there are a series of steps you need to take. Let us know.

[Jersey born raised]

If you are in the US or in some cases if your company is US base standard operational procedure in your wife's case, if her OM job is above her, is to fire the individual who has the higher position and transfer the person in the lesser postion. This is almost black letter law.

 

The US military is very similar in it's attitude. An officer (commissioned or NCO) who has an affair with a lower ranked solider is most likely gone. In cases that it comes out later that fellow officers help cover it up they are gone too. It seems most just are just allowed to resign. Now if the adultery was with a neighbor with the neighbor's spouse was not in military - not the militaries problem.

 

You need to explore her companies policy on this matter.

 

Your number one goal is to end the adultery. Exsposure is the number most important tool use.

[Drone117]

Done with the marriage or with posting here? With the marriage - I don't know. Have no idea. Right now i can't imagine even having a conversation with her, does this mean I'm done? I'm going back home soon, I don't even know how to start the conversation. " Hi, I know all, please get out?".

 

She knows I have figured out. She definitely doesn't know how much (keeps using diary). I wonder if I don't tell her that every detail from when he started chasing her till she realized i know is embossed in my brain, will she try to hide the extent from me? That's what you call gaslighting?

 

Or she might be just honest and gtfo the marriage. Think I'll tell her I know enough and the next move is mine.

 

...And thanks to the poster who suggested to check the IP, that was the problem.

Edited December 8, 2016 by Drone117

[BetrayedH]

Done with the marriage or with posting here? With the marriage - I don't know. Have no idea. Right now i can't imagine even having a conversation with her, does this mean I'm done? I'm going back home soon, I don't even know how to start the conversation. " Hi, I know all, please get out?".

 

She knows I have figured out. She definitely doesn't know how much (keeps using diary). I wonder if I don't tell her that every detail from when he started chasing her till she realized i know is embossed in my brain, will she try to hide the extent from me? That's what you call gaslighting?

 

Or she might be just honest and gtfo the marriage. Think I'll tell her I know enough and the next move is mine.

 

...And thanks to the poster who suggested to check the IP, that was the problem.

 

Do not reveal that you've got access to this diary. If you haven't done so already, make two copies and give one to your lawyer.

 

If you end up deciding that you want to reconcile, the key problem for you will be trying to figure out if she is being truthful or if she is still lying. You have access to something that many of us would have died to have been privy to.

 

As for what to do, I think you focus on what your demands from her will be in order for her to avoid an immediate filing for divorce. Make yourself a list. The thread for wayward spouses that is pinned at the top of this forum is a good place to start. It shows what a truly remorseful wayward spouse looks like. If she balks at any of them, make it clear that your next call is to your attorney. And frankly, you should follow through with it. Divorces take a while. If she demonstrates true remorse such that you think you might be able to forgive, then you can always pause the proceedings. And if she doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need.

[Marc878]

Exactly don't say anything just listen. You'll know if she try's to lie or blame you for the affair. She probably not sure how you know. It's in your best interest to see if she come clean or not.

 

The affair is on her it was a decision she made.

 

Do you know who it is? If you do inform his wife without warning. Let them deal with the consequences. Don't skip this step and regret it later.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

Do not offer to reconcile this upfront. Take your time to decided what you want.

[40somethingGuy]

Done with the marriage or with posting here? With the marriage - I don't know. Have no idea. Right now i can't imagine even having a conversation with her, does this mean I'm done? I'm going back home soon, I don't even know how to start the conversation. " Hi, I know all, please get out?".

 

She knows I have figured out. She definitely doesn't know how much (keeps using diary). I wonder if I don't tell her that every detail from when he started chasing her till she realized i know is embossed in my brain, will she try to hide the extent from me? That's what you call gaslighting?

 

Or she might be just honest and gtfo the marriage. Think I'll tell her I know enough and the next move is mine.

 

...And thanks to the poster who suggested to check the IP, that was the problem.

 

If you are prepared to let HER walk, take control, tell her you need time to decide your choice but if you give her a second chance give her strict rules that must be followed, mainly revolving around access to SM, phone, email, cell phone tracking online etc.

[Drone117]

He's a co worker so she'll have to quit her job as well.

[Drone117]

I like an idea of getting divorce. And if I ever feel like changing my mind, I'll have plenty of reading material to change it back.

 

After all a married woman doesn't spend months f..g a co-worker just to get back to the marriage, right?

[Jersey born raised]

DO NOT REVEAL SOURCES !!! Allude to a PI, or an email from her work, or suggest she be more careful about cleaning her undies before coming home.

 

Knowing her true thoughts going forward will help you decide what to do.

 

When you get access to PM please let me know. I have several posts saved to note pad many find helpful. I have been asked not to post them as there may be copy write issues posting them on a board. Two would help you understand what happened "what is a player" the other is "the genesis of work place adultery". I have additional one's for limerence and the other "the fog".

 

These are meant only to give you a sense of what the hell is going on with your spouse.

 

Again push for her out of the house, you with primary custody by working with a lawyer for guidance. Nothing will help you heal faster then being in YOUR HOME with YOUR CHILD. It can be done!

[Drone117]

I like that.

 

 

When my exH cheated I told him not to come home after his "business trip".

 

A few days later he announced he had a legal right to be home. I responded with "that's fine - and I will spend every single minute of every day making sure you are damn miserable if you move back in here - I need to feel safe at home and you don't make me feel safe." That was all he needed to hear to go rent an apartment.

 

Stand your ground and set up boundaries that are designed to help you feel safe and protected.

 

And remember, when you do talk to her...she's a bold faced liar and has been lying to you for a long time with no problem doing it. She will lie now too.

 

Don't agree to anything. You need time to process your thoughts and gather a plan - best to take time to decide.

 

Expose away. Consequences tend to get liars motivated to think about what they've done to the people they claim to love.

[Marc878]

Not giving up your source gives you an edge. You have the full story and she's adding to it. You tell her that insight goes away.

 

This edge will let you know what you're dealing with in real time. If she continues to lie, etc. play this smart. You have what many do not in this situation.

 

Filing doesn't mean it's final for a period of time but it does start the clock ticking and gives you more control over the situation. Exposure will have the same result. At least expose to the other mans wife.

 

Affairs rarely end at once. If they have any contact it will continue. Exposure is like throwing cold water on them. Affairs only work in secret and the dark. Plus you have two sets of eyes looking if you choose to try and reconcile.

[Noirek]

I like that.

 

Be very careful of the advice given here. Making your wife's life miserable will affect your kids. Yeah, she screwed up but work on being cool and distant. Unless you are afraid she will be violent you are perfectly safe with her in your house. But always put your kids first. And how you treat her, especially in front of them will affect them. If you need to scream vent and let it out find somewhere safe to do so and someone to do it to. Be careful how you treat her also for legal issues.

 

When this is all said and done, reconciliation or no, you will both be coparenting. She will never be out of your life. I'm sorry. It sucks.

[Drone117]

I agree with what your are suggesting and can't see any major discrepancies with what the other poster said. She is a mother off my kid and the reason I decided to stay away from home until now is exactly because I needed to control myself.

 

It is just I have realised (doh) the anount and duration of lies. Until literally now ir was all about hey being with another man. Now it's all "how was your day baby? Thanks boring otherwise good".

 

The only thing I'm not getting is the concept of being afraid???? to be under one roof with her and that she may be violent? Very foreign concept for me. I realise it's been given with best intentions and I thank you.

 

Be very careful of the advice given here. Making your wife's life miserable will affect your kids. Yeah, she screwed up but work on being cool and distant. Unless you are afraid she will be violent you are perfectly safe with her in your house. But always put your kids first. And how you treat her, especially in front of them will affect them. If you need to scream vent and let it out find somewhere safe to do so and someone to do it to. Be careful how you treat her also for legal issues.

 

When this is all said and done, reconciliation or no, you will both be coparenting. She will never be out of your life. I'm sorry. It sucks.

[Noirek]

I agree with what your are suggesting and can't see any major discrepancies with what the other poster said. She is a mother off my kid and the reason I decided to stay away from home until now is exactly because I needed to control myself.

 

It is just I have realised (doh) the anount and duration of lies. Until literally now ir was all about hey being with another man. Now it's all "how was your day baby? Thanks boring otherwise good".

 

The only thing I'm not getting is the concept of being afraid???? to be under one roof with her and that she may be violent? Very foreign concept for me. I realise it's been given with best intentions and I thank you.

 

The other poster mentioned making her spouse's life miserable to drive him from the home. For childfree couples an idea but with kids not so good. My advice was not to do that as it will affect them. the poster said she felt "unsafe" with her husband on the house. I think probably only females get away with saying that over non violent things and I was saying unless there is a real fear of safety you can't really use that line. I don't think you would be wrong to ask her to move out while you sort this if that is possible with the kids. Just realize she may say no.

 

You seem to be a thoughtful guy. One who does care for his kids. I'm sure you will do right by them. I wm sorry you have to watch this all play out by that journal. Has she ended the A?

[Drone117]

I see where are you coming from. I just didn't interpret that post in the same way. Kind of separating personal circumstances of a person and the advice I'm accepting (thanking the op for it). In other words being a man I find certain "lines" not applicable to me, like playing safety card. Once again I agree with you.

 

Your are also right that logically at last the kid is an absolute priority. Emotions have different agenda of course.

 

I don't know if she has ended the affair. Until recently the diary entries were all about the timlone, experience and feelings, then "omg he knows". Nothing like "I'm ending out", or " I'm leaving my husband for my love...". Or whatever the hell she could've written there. So I have no clue.

 

 

The other poster mentioned making her spouse's life miserable to drive him from the home. For childfree couples an idea but with kids not so good. My advice was not to do that as it will affect them. the poster said she felt "unsafe" with her husband on the house. I think probably only females get away with saying that over non violent things and I was saying unless there is a real fear of safety you can't really use that line. I don't think you would be wrong to ask her to move out while you sort this if that is possible with the kids. Just realize she may say no.

 

You seem to be a thoughtful guy. One who does care for his kids. I'm sure you will do right by them. I wm sorry you have to watch this all play out by that journal. Has she ended the A?

[doyathinkso]

Carry a concealed VAR on your person whenever you interact with her. It's your only defence when she brings the cops in charging you with domestic violence. Being locked up for a few days and then unable to return home because of a court ordered order of protection will complicate the hell out of your life and seriously weaken your divorce position.