Is anything going on

[tinkerbell16]

I like an idea of getting divorce. And if I ever feel like changing my mind, I'll have plenty of reading material to change it back.

 

After all a married woman doesn't spend months f..g a co-worker just to get back to the marriage, right?

 

Drone, would staying married to someone who valued you so little make you happy?

Regardless of what she wants to do... you will be sacrificing so much of yourself to allow a cheated back in.

 

Whenever I used to feel all nastalgic and think my ex was a good man I would play the video he made for his lover... full of sexual innuendo and remember he is not worthy of my love.

[Steen719]

Drone, would staying married to someone who valued you so little make you happy?

Regardless of what she wants to do... you will be sacrificing so much of yourself to allow a cheated back in.

 

Whenever I used to feel all nastalgic and think my ex was a good man I would play the video he made for his lover... full of sexual innuendo and remember he is not worthy of my love.

 

Yep, I printed out the conversations and read them when I needed a swift kick - just to reiterate how sneaky and low-down he was as he was pushing me in front of that bus. It helped me. It may not help everyone, but it did help me. Eventually, I threw them away, but it helped when I needed it.

[Drone117]

Drone, would staying married to someone who valued you so little make you happy?

Regardless of what she wants to do... you will be sacrificing so much of yourself to allow a cheated back in.

 

Probably not. From where I am now, there are two conditions need to be met fit our marriage to survive. I need to be a saint, and she needs to be willing to lift mountains.

 

I'm definitely not a saint, and judging but what I've seen (her finding him irresistible and going overboard to make herself attractive to him and please him while knowing all along how would I react if I find out) she's not going to suddenly come to Jesus and start fixing what she's broken.

 

You can assume the affair is still ongoing - if it ended she would have written about an important event like that.

 

Have you considered exposing to the OM wife (assuming he is married)?

 

Yes, I assume it's going on, maybe temporarily on hold but still on. I know who om is, don't kibble if he's married (not clear in the diary). I'm considering meeting him and having a few words about chasing her so relentlessly.

 

I'm back home and to my surprise she looks crushed to the pulp and saying sorry at every opportunity. I assume that I told her we shouldn't be staying under the same room but for the kid. I guess she didn't like that... or just mourning the end of this phase of her life before moving on.

[Cephalopod]

You assumed you told her?

 

Odd...

[Drone117]

You assumed you told her?

 

Odd...

 

 

I assume that It is likely because I told her....

 

Typing error.

[Marc878]

Yes, I assume it's going on, maybe temporarily on hold but still on. I know who om is, don't kibble if he's married (not clear in the diary). I'm considering meeting him and having a few words about chasing her so relentlessly.

 

Her other man only took what your wife gave him. Speaking to him is a waste of time.

 

You will at some point try R so don't make the mistake of not informing his wife.

If they have any contact the affair will continue.

 

She needs to know what she's married to.

[Marc878]

She's probably crushed because she thought you'd never find out about their dirty little secret. Don't be deceived here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, I am really very sorry for the way things have turned out for you. As I had said before there were similarities between your case and that of a guy whose moniker was zinger. This guy had decided to divorce his wife and move from Europe to the US.

 

With all the upheaval that has taken place in your life right now I really hope for your sake that you are taking care of yourself and are eating and sleeping as best you can. From the way you write you seem to be an emotionally strong person and I am sure you will be able to ride out this storm successfully with, of course, a lot of heartache. It is sad that this has transpired during the Christmas season(Ironic if you ask me) and that you will have to forego the usual cheer and merrymaking that Christmas entails. Can you have some family from your side visit during Christmas to help you tide over this period? Also you may have to ask your wife to move out during this period as both if you would feel awkward. My best wishes to you at this difficult time. By the way have you had a serious talk with your wife?

[Lion Heart]

You're doing so well Drone.

 

I'm sorry your wife cheated on you and your family.

 

Best wishes for your decision making from this point on.

 

Trust your gut. It's been spot on with very little evidence.

 

There was a saying I saw early on here in LS shortly after my D Day and it went something like this:

 

I'd rather be slapped in the face with the truth than kissed with a lie.

 

I'm currently divorcing my second wayward husband.

It's been a monstrously difficult time.

 

I wanted to communicate what your wayward wife MAY do.

Blame shift - put her A as your fault.

NEVER accept blame.

NEVER.

 

Her affair was ALL on her.

Her responsibility to protect the marraige.

Her consequences to face.

 

But I'm afraid yours and your child's too.

 

WW may also MINIMIZE, smoke screen (thanl goodness you have her Diary) and from experience I can tell you that you've been mind-f***ed.

 

The CONFUSION you felt was an indicator that you were being mind-fd.

 

Talking with your WW after D Day may continue to make you feel mind-fd. It's normal for a spouse who's been cheated on to feel complete rage. Justifiably so.

 

You've been wise to leave your home when you want to blow your top.

 

Take note of your lucidity when you left. Sure you were emotional BUT it's this STEELY FOCUS that can be blown way off course by WW.

 

DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO to retain this focus on seeking CLARITY. Time out for one.

 

I haven't looked back for 1 nano second once I made up my mind to D with either WH. Cheating is completely unacceptable to me. No matter what the circumstances.

 

You'll definitively know WHEN that moment comes.

If it does for you.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[Drone117]

i don't feel heartbroken. I feel angry, disappointed and taken for a fool. Because the whole story when I look back at it looks just plain stupid. He was some sort of office "star" and chased her until she basically walked hand in hand with him to his hotel room. On one of the business trips (not the last one) and in front of the office crowd, who were testing and almost encouraging her. From there she went out of herself to keep him interested. My take on it he wanted only sex, time will tell. In retrospect I was a total fool for not seeing the obvious.

 

You are right, this Christmas will be unique. I have no family to call for support, and I think I can safely rule out hers.

 

We did have some talks, no real outcome. She doesn't know my source, so I get a lot of what you call minimization. She doesn't deny the affair though. I wonder what would happen if I tell her I know even the names they were calling each other.

 

Does she know why she did what she did? No. Does she loves him and wants to leave me for him? No. Does she wants to stay in the marriage and try to fix it? Probably but she knows I'm not gonna forgive her anyway. Is she still seeing him? No, but she goes to work of course. Does she want me to leave and (apart from seeing the kid) never talk to her again? No. Is she over him? Not sure. Form the diary she's not, and "torn".

 

And we go and go circles. I guess I need to take matters in my own hands and call it a day. To be labeled a bad guy of course. When I do, I'll print the diary and include it with divorce papers, so she'd know I knew all along.

[Marc878]

If he's married you should inform his wife.

[Marc878]

Have you been able to estimate how long it went on?

[Marc878]

Thank you all. Great responses, too exausted to respond individually, but I value them all.

 

Key points.

 

The husband of her co-worker couldn't shed any more light. However he made it clear he's not surprised as he noticed some tension. Like his wife is uncomfortable mentioning my family. So he also feels something is up.

 

So now I'm certain something is going on. Biggest red flag: I don't think I'm 100% businesses as usual these days. Yet she hasn't tried to discuss our find out what's going on. This is totally opposite to our entire life together. So the question is what exactly it is and how far did it go.

 

I'm either going for an sudden "I know it all" type of discussion (as suggested by merrmeade) or talking to PI next week.

 

My course of action if my fears are confirmed? I don't know. Of course I'd like to save the marriage. However I can hardly imagine marriage-as-usual scenario if shelhas cheated. Like am I expected to prevented nothing happened? Or get paranoid each time she goes to the office.? Or alternatively I may have no say at all, if she's chosen someone else over me.

 

Obviously her coworker knew and may have enabled. I'd inform her husband. Sounds like a snake pit at work.

[Marc878]

You should go to a hard 180. At this time join a gym, get out with friends, etc.

[Sweetfish]

i don't feel heartbroken. I feel angry, disappointed and taken for a fool. Because the whole story when I look back at it looks just plain stupid. He was some sort of office "star" and chased her until she basically walked hand in hand with him to his hotel room. On one of the business trips (not the last one) and in front of the office crowd, who were testing and almost encouraging her. From there she went out of herself to keep him interested. My take on it he wanted only sex, time will tell. In retrospect I was a total fool for not seeing the obvious.

 

You are right, this Christmas will be unique. I have no family to call for support, and I think I can safely rule out hers.

 

We did have some talks, no real outcome. She doesn't know my source, so I get a lot of what you call minimization. She doesn't deny the affair though. I wonder what would happen if I tell her I know even the names they were calling each other.

 

Does she know why she did what she did? No. Does she loves him and wants to leave me for him? No. Does she wants to stay in the marriage and try to fix it? Probably but she knows I'm not gonna forgive her anyway. Is she still seeing him? No, but she goes to work of course. Does she want me to leave and (apart from seeing the kid) never talk to her again? No. Is she over him? Not sure. Form the diary she's not, and "torn".

 

And we go and go circles. I guess I need to take matters in my own hands and call it a day. To be labeled a bad guy of course. When I do, I'll print the diary and include it with divorce papers, so she'd know I knew all along.

 

 

I cant imagine how you feel.

 

I have so much respect on how you handle this and it must be without a doubt crushing. In these situations its not even the cheating it self that intrigue me.. its how thoughtless to the children, for ones own selfish needs. The people at work egging on this affair. its sickening.

 

I hope you well.

[Drone117]

Have you been able to estimate how long it went on?

 

Estimate? Man I f..g know it day by day, from the day he made the first move till today.

[Drone117]

What's the update?

 

Did she end the affair? Was it exposed? Did she move out?

 

Apparently. Working on it. She's agreed but drugging her feet. If I kick her out she has nowhere to go.

Edited December 11, 2016 by Drone117

[Drone117]

"

I cant imagine how you feel.

 

I have so much respect on how you handle this and it must be without a doubt crushing. In these situations its not even the cheating it self that intrigue me.. its how thoughtless to the children, for ones own selfish needs. The people at work egging on this affair. its sickening.

 

I hope you well.

 

Thank you. Correct, pathetic and hypocritical. 1st they were jealous he's singled her out, then were cheering her up, then preferred to close their eyes, now ostracized her.

Edited December 11, 2016 by Drone117

[BluesPower]

Buddy, part of me wishes that I could have been wrong about your deal.

 

Believe me brother, I have been where you are and I know how much you hurt.

 

Don't take any advice I give now as 100% good advice, because of where I am at with my life right now.

 

I am usually the fight for your marriage guy but after realizing that I have in fact spent 26 years of my life loving a woman to never loved me, I think it is just better for you to call in the dogs and piss on the fire.

 

Her being torn is a perfect reason. If she loved you, she would not be torn. She would be screaming and crying because she realized what a mistake she made. But it does not sound like that is what she is doing.

 

You know what, if she does not have anywhere to go she can go stay with her BF.

 

What is funny is that now that she is found out by you and when you kick her out. She will not be nearly as attractive to the OM, and it will be a matter of time before he dumps her if he has not already.

 

You will decide what you will over the next few years. But I am in the camp of kick her to the curb.

 

In the long run I think you will be happier and maybe you can find a woman that will actually love you for you.

 

I just wish you the best of luck...

[doyathinkso]

If I kick her out she has nowhere to go.

 

 

And this is exactly what she now needs.

 

When she opened her legs she chose to give up her life with you. Now you can let her have she wanted.

[elaine567]

And this is exactly what she now needs.

Morally no question, but he may not be able legally to kick her out of the house.

He needs to act within the law and he needs to show he is the reasonable one too if he wants to see his kids and have a stable family unit going forward.

Warring parents cause a huge amount of damage to kids, he needs to think of them.

[road]

Drone117, if the OM is married you must tell his BW.

 

 

Again, never reveal your sources of info to a WW.

 

 

Last if WW says she want to recover tell her she has to hand in he resignation right there and then. For there can never be recovery without NC.

 

 

Last this affair needs to be exposed at work send proof to the CEO, Director of HR, and the Board. Asking them how they intend to end the affair and stop the sexual harassment of your WW. Oh just to be there when the bosses read that letter. OM needs to get fired to prevent future BH's at that place.

[doyathinkso]

Morally no question, but he may not be able legally to kick her out of the house.

He needs to act within the law and he needs to show he is the reasonable one too if he wants to see his kids and have a stable family unit going forward.

Warring parents cause a huge amount of damage to kids, he needs to think of them.

 

 

I suppose so. Perhaps he could put up a cot for her down in the root cellar.

[Marc878]

Estimate? Man I f..g know it day by day, from the day he made the first move till today.

 

How long has it been going on?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Drone,

 

Please more information. Has she tried to blame shift or TT? Any sign or remorse or just regret?

 

While you cannot kick her out you can use the 180 to stay sane.

 

Is she still posting to her diary?

 

Thanks