Is anything going on

[Sweetfish]

i don't feel heartbroken. I feel angry, disappointed and taken for a fool. Because the whole story when I look back at it looks just plain stupid. He was some sort of office "star" and chased her until she basically walked hand in hand with him to his hotel room. On one of the business trips (not the last one) and in front of the office crowd, who were testing and almost encouraging her. From there she went out of herself to keep him interested. My take on it he wanted only sex, time will tell. In retrospect I was a total fool for not seeing the obvious.

 

You are right, this Christmas will be unique. I have no family to call for support, and I think I can safely rule out hers.

 

We did have some talks, no real outcome. She doesn't know my source, so I get a lot of what you call minimization. She doesn't deny the affair though. I wonder what would happen if I tell her I know even the names they were calling each other.

 

Does she know why she did what she did? No. Does she loves him and wants to leave me for him? No. Does she wants to stay in the marriage and try to fix it? Probably but she knows I'm not gonna forgive her anyway. Is she still seeing him? No, but she goes to work of course. Does she want me to leave and (apart from seeing the kid) never talk to her again? No. Is she over him? Not sure. Form the diary she's not, and "torn".

 

And we go and go circles. I guess I need to take matters in my own hands and call it a day. To be labeled a bad guy of course. When I do, I'll print the diary and include it with divorce papers, so she'd know I knew all along.

 

 

I cant imagine how you feel.

 

I have so much respect on how you handle this and it must be without a doubt crushing. In these situations its not even the cheating it self that intrigue me.. its how thoughtless to the children, for ones own selfish needs. The people at work egging on this affair. its sickening.

 

I hope you well.

[Drone117]

Have you been able to estimate how long it went on?

 

Estimate? Man I f..g know it day by day, from the day he made the first move till today.

[Drone117]

What's the update?

 

Did she end the affair? Was it exposed? Did she move out?

 

Apparently. Working on it. She's agreed but drugging her feet. If I kick her out she has nowhere to go.

Edited December 11, 2016 by Drone117

[Drone117]

"

I cant imagine how you feel.

 

I have so much respect on how you handle this and it must be without a doubt crushing. In these situations its not even the cheating it self that intrigue me.. its how thoughtless to the children, for ones own selfish needs. The people at work egging on this affair. its sickening.

 

I hope you well.

 

Thank you. Correct, pathetic and hypocritical. 1st they were jealous he's singled her out, then were cheering her up, then preferred to close their eyes, now ostracized her.

Edited December 11, 2016 by Drone117

[BluesPower]

Buddy, part of me wishes that I could have been wrong about your deal.

 

Believe me brother, I have been where you are and I know how much you hurt.

 

Don't take any advice I give now as 100% good advice, because of where I am at with my life right now.

 

I am usually the fight for your marriage guy but after realizing that I have in fact spent 26 years of my life loving a woman to never loved me, I think it is just better for you to call in the dogs and piss on the fire.

 

Her being torn is a perfect reason. If she loved you, she would not be torn. She would be screaming and crying because she realized what a mistake she made. But it does not sound like that is what she is doing.

 

You know what, if she does not have anywhere to go she can go stay with her BF.

 

What is funny is that now that she is found out by you and when you kick her out. She will not be nearly as attractive to the OM, and it will be a matter of time before he dumps her if he has not already.

 

You will decide what you will over the next few years. But I am in the camp of kick her to the curb.

 

In the long run I think you will be happier and maybe you can find a woman that will actually love you for you.

 

I just wish you the best of luck...

[doyathinkso]

If I kick her out she has nowhere to go.

 

 

And this is exactly what she now needs.

 

When she opened her legs she chose to give up her life with you. Now you can let her have she wanted.

[elaine567]

And this is exactly what she now needs.

Morally no question, but he may not be able legally to kick her out of the house.

He needs to act within the law and he needs to show he is the reasonable one too if he wants to see his kids and have a stable family unit going forward.

Warring parents cause a huge amount of damage to kids, he needs to think of them.

[road]

Drone117, if the OM is married you must tell his BW.

 

 

Again, never reveal your sources of info to a WW.

 

 

Last if WW says she want to recover tell her she has to hand in he resignation right there and then. For there can never be recovery without NC.

 

 

Last this affair needs to be exposed at work send proof to the CEO, Director of HR, and the Board. Asking them how they intend to end the affair and stop the sexual harassment of your WW. Oh just to be there when the bosses read that letter. OM needs to get fired to prevent future BH's at that place.

[doyathinkso]

Morally no question, but he may not be able legally to kick her out of the house.

He needs to act within the law and he needs to show he is the reasonable one too if he wants to see his kids and have a stable family unit going forward.

Warring parents cause a huge amount of damage to kids, he needs to think of them.

 

 

I suppose so. Perhaps he could put up a cot for her down in the root cellar.

[Marc878]

Estimate? Man I f..g know it day by day, from the day he made the first move till today.

 

How long has it been going on?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Drone,

 

Please more information. Has she tried to blame shift or TT? Any sign or remorse or just regret?

 

While you cannot kick her out you can use the 180 to stay sane.

 

Is she still posting to her diary?

 

Thanks

[Marc878]

You have insight that many do not have at this time. Keep that info hidden/safe.

[Sweetfish]

You have insight that many do not have at this time. Keep that info hidden/safe.

 

 

The next stage is her being the victim.

 

How you weren't X Y and Z.

[turnera]

Drone, please don't think you can reconcile if she keeps that job. You'll be going back and forth for YEARS if they continue to be in contact.

 

What have you told her has to happen now?

[Sparta]

OP hang in there buddy... please keep us up-to-date.

[Drone117]

Morally no question, but he may not be able legally to kick her out of the house.

He needs to act within the law and he needs to show he is the reasonable one too if he wants to see his kids and have a stable family unit going forward.

Warring parents cause a huge amount of damage to kids, he needs to think of them.

 

I agree. In addition to that, in reality if I use "Dear CEO and the board, my wife slept with one of your star employees, please do something about it" route (which is so much against my core by the way) she's more likely to be fired and less likely to find another job soon then him.

 

While it sounds like a good karma and all, doing this to a mother of my kid at the time I'm asking her to leave and especially in a new country where she doesn't have a family doesn't sound like the most noble thing to do to me. Kind of I'm not going to yell, call her names or raise a hand, even when she told me herself she deserves it.

 

She told me she's going to find another job. Not in a context of ending an affair as it seems bit because she's "you know that girl who slept with..." now. The same day her pass is revoked I'm exposing him high and low.

[Drone117]

How long has it been going on?

 

Without being too specific, he started flirting with her 4 month ago when they started to work together. In September he made the first move which she rejected..

Not strong enough, he doubled the effort resulting her walking with him to his room, on a business trip (not the last one I posted about, an earlier one). The last one was the first time they extended their stay beyond the work part to spend more time together. That was the reason for no charges in the statement and expense report. She told him her husband knows and crushed he's not reaching back to her (despite she told him to stop contact, where is the logic?).

 

 

Has she tried to blame shift or TT?

 

Don't know what TT is. She's telling me substantially less then i know. Blaming me? Have to say no. Couple of times when hysterical she screamed "wish you were this or that, stopped me, and all" but immediately apologised and stated she didn't mean that.

 

 

Any sign or remorse or just regret?

What's the difference?

 

 

Is she still posting to her diary?

Yes, but just barely, guess not on a best shape to do that.

 

 

The next stage is her being the victim. How you weren't X Y and Z.

As I wrote earlier in this post.

 

 

What have you told her has to happen now?

Told her to make her mind, while I'm not accepting the situation and moving with separation or divorce.

[aileD]

Tt is trickle truth. Is she telling you s little...then a little more (worse)....then a little more...etc. is she not coming fully clean all at once. ?

[Marc878]

The way she's acting. I wouldn't jump up and offer R. Have you informed your friend (husband of her coworker)? She's obviously in the loop. Enabler or at least helped hide it from her husband too.

[BuddyX]

Save for abuse, Do Not apologize. She's doing this to you. The moment her Entitlement trumped your commitment she lost all respect.

 

Gather all info. Stay strong my friend.

[drifter777]

Since OP has her diary I'm not sure there will be much trickle-truth involved with this affair. He knows much more than she realizes so the only damaging thing she can do is continue her lying ways.

 

OP - she is afraid you are going to divorce her so you are in a rare position to use that to extract other truths. Like you could tell her how disgusted you are with all her lying and that she is continuing it even now. Then say something like "ok - here's a chance for you to be completely truthful. Is this the first or only time you have cheated on me?" Remind her how much you know about this affair and that your source is bulletproof so - do you want to come clean about everything? You might get an interesting answer.

[CommittedToThis]

The bottom line is a marriage is a partnership and if one side isn't being truthful about things like fidelity then that robs the other side from having the ability to make decisions based in reality.

 

Do you want to be a willing partner to someone without being given the respect of being truthful about the big picture?

 

I had an ex cheat on me and I didn't have the balls to throw her and her crap out on the street at the time. I wish I had, I didn't, but I learned my lesson.

 

Drone, I think you just need to leave her. She faked you, man. Deceptive and devious women are to be sold, not heard.

 

So sorry you had to go thru all this but it's making you a stronger, wiser man for the next woman who wants to be with you. And there are millions, man.

[spanz1]

Sorry dude. You WILL get thru this.

[Jersey born raised]

Getting it - remorse*

 

This post I wrote based on a comment made in response by a BW to another WW. *The WW had a one year adulterous PA & EA relationship with a MM cow. *The the P/A occurred when ever he traveled for work which often. *The WW wrote how when her husband traveled for work she found herself missing MOM and the relationship while refusing to break NC, except for work, and felt torn with the need to reach out to MOM. * In short she was filled with regret for the adultery, she mourned its ending and miss it. *This is the response a BW wrote to the WS

 

I'm a BS. I do have compassion & understanding. I recognize that this is a forum & NOT a portal into your brain!

 

You post what's on your mind & what you would like help with so PLEASE take this as nothing more than a rant from a BS who's telling you what I would love to happen in my life...not a criticism.

 

The BW continued: *When I read the above post my gut reaction is, "Ugh!! Another clueless WS!! She's so far from getting it!".*

 

As a WS your thoughts need to be.... 'When my H went out of town I would be excited because I knew I had all that time to spend with my AP. OMG!! My POOR HUSBAND he must be living a nightmare!! If I'm triggering like this he must be triggering 1,000,000,000,000 times WORSE!!'

 

To continue her line of thought. *Every time you smiled and hugged your AP was a stolen smile and hug from your BS. *You chose to leave your BS outside alone cold and alone on a winter nights while warm and comfortable in a home with the AP. *

 

You have heard the expression "makes life worth living"? *Somethings that expression are applied to are wrong. *There are moments that are life and without them there is no life. *Adultery destroys life because you have denied something to your spouse, given it to another, leaving your spouse to slowly writher and die on the vine. *

 

They NEED you to get-it, really truly get-it. I don't think few ever will. Without it I don't think a BS will ever heal.*

[kgcolonel]

Drone,

 

No infidelity in my marriage (as far as i know) which may give me a little more objective angle here.....

 

I would let her know that you and she are at a crossroads. She can begin to take steps to rebuild her credibility with you but it will only happen once, right now and never again. Truth the whole truth I would even note that even a small deviation from the truth for "what she may think is to spare your feelings, will result in divorce....you know it all, so the second she deviates from the truth, you can tell how earnest she is about reconciliation....remorse etc.

 

BTW, I can't really tell from your writings, I know that she's been crying, is it from losing the safe and secure, complete access the the kids and the "safe reliable" husband. Very sad but I know you deserve someone who both values and shares your values of fidelity and honesty.