Is anything going on

[Marc878]

Agree with the last two posters. What do you want ?

 

I understand as a BS you want for her not to have comminted adultery. But she did. I understand you want her to feel remorse and to save the marriage - BUT she does not want to. If she did she would already saying so. No answer is an answer. The answer is she does not want to tell you the truth and spur you to act.

 

You have started to act legally now start to work on emtionally. Read up on the 180 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Custody, what do you want? Not what you might get, what do you want. Who are you as a father? What role do you play in your child's life.

 

Finally, exposure. Do not let her controll the narrative. Many are shocked to discover what their WS have told their family and friends. Be prepared.

 

Yep, as far as exposure. Short and simple to key family, friends. We're divorcing, she is in an affair with xxxxx

 

I've never seen where helping them hide their affair does much for the BS.

It's not your shame you didn't do it but most often consequences are a good thing.

[Try]

Finally, exposure. Do not let her controll the narrative. Many are shocked to discover what their WS have told their family and friends. Be prepared.

In most case were a cheated on person held back as to the true reason for a divorce, the spouse secretly reinvented history about who was at fault such the cheated on spouse is the one to blame. Commonly cheaters say that the divorce was because the cheated on spouse was verbally abusive while leaving out the fact that the shouting was about the affair, or to claim that the affair started after both had agreed to divorce. It is difficult to ever regain the initiative in such cases. Although in your current state of mind it may not seem important as to what your friends and family think, you will discover that for a variety of reasons it will be important.

[Sweetfish]

Drone keep up the good work. A new years is approaching and one advice i will give you is dont believe anything that she says or has written. In her state of mind nothing will be clear or make sense. When people are caught doing such things like adultery or stealing, a defense mechanism manifest and it will always appear your talking to two different people. I bet even weeks after she has been had... all her actions are cryptic and have no logic. Eventually, one of the two of the spilt personality will take over and this will blind side you as it will appear as a new individual your dealing with and you may not be prepared legally or mentally.

 

If she will betray you with an affair you have no clue what other easter eggs may shows their ugly faces later.

 

Like in chess its a misconception that the queen is the most powerful chess piece. That the queen can move anywhere(in reference to her making decisions) on the board apose to the King. However, the king though it may appear weak is the most powerful piece on the board.

[Cephalopod]

I'll start when an easy answer. I don't know why the office (HR) is involved. What I know is that she's been requested to attend a meeting with them after the break, no agenda provided. And that is highly unusual given it's a typical corporate HR, that gets visible only if there's an issue of some kind. She told me that and that she's really worried about her job, and I agree. Think whatever you want of me, but that's one of the reasons I'm not showing the door

 

My guess, one of her female coworkers complained. Probably one if those who were cheering her up to respond to his advances and took the high stance when the affair got obvious.

 

In terms of discussing with me and talk like an adults about what happened and should happened - she trIed. I still have no clarity or closure though as I seem to be unable to decipher her verbal and non verbal messages. I have simply lost here. What she's saying to me (and partially confirmed through the diary) cannot coexist with my mind with intensity and score of the affair. Agog to the mix her inability to tell me what she really wants. Leave ne for him , no she doesn't want it. Continue with the marriage? She tells me she realizes that's impossible and unfair to me. Leave single lIfe? No. Sometimes I feel like she wants me or him to make the first move (towards her) and that's why she was so shocked I have decided to divorce so quickly.

 

Would be easily to explain in a face to face discussion, however I have no-one like that here and I hesitate to reveal more on the internet (what I mean is i value your advice very much but anyone can read this thread). I'm also deliberately leaving the legal details out because off that, it's going ok only too slow.

 

My advice? Quit talking to her. Do the 180. You keep going to a dry well hoping to get water out of it. She has nothing for you Drone.

[Bufo]

Re job worries. Not irrational given the circumstances. But it may impact you. Ask for legal advice on what happens in D if WW loses her job. Will your courts "impute" income to her or not? If the company wants her gone, it will let her resign in all likelihood without any admission of violating company rules if she refuses then she may be fired for violating company rules. Or maybe she gets a slap on the hand or transferred. The lack of announced agenda must scare her to death.

 

Re her desires. She simply doesn't know what she wants or who she wants. Thus the phrase "cake eater". What she wants is the status quo with the A continuing and you waiting for her to decide. Ignore her words and watch her actions. Your goal is to get out of infidelity. Via R or D. Without remorse, however, your unilateral attempts at R will be futile. I'm sure you have by now read enough other posts to understand what remorse looks like. Don't confuse regret with remorse.

[Drone117]

It looks like I'm having troubles understanding some recent suggestions given in a last couple of posts. Perhaps this is because most of you are so well ahead of me in this game. I guess this is the road I have to travel myself and an experience I have to gain personally.

 

I do not see a correlation between my desire to know "why"'and understand her point of view that I have expressed here ( perhaps I shouldn't) and being codependent, giving her a power of decision et cetera. Yes, I want to know, but not preoccupied with that.

 

In any case, the irrefutable truth thatn some of you mentioned is that I cannot allow myself to coexist with her affair and have no other way out but to divorce. That's what I'm doing, no more, no less.

 

Those few who needed to know about what happened (and to whom she may want to present a different version of events) have been informed.

[kgcolonel]

Drone,

 

First and foremost, I am very sorry you are having to deal with this. You are doing an amazing job with the sh_t pile you have been given.

 

I, having never been through what you are going through but having studied sociology for many years and have an keen interest in the behavior of people and their perspectives....what is her general demeanor around the house?

 

Has she exhibited any specific behavior about what life will look like for her post divorce? i.e. share custody, financial issues (should she lose her job) etc?

 

Has there been any discussions about living arrangements post D?

 

Also, have you been able to continue reading her journal and if so, what is the journal indicating as to where her head is at...?

 

I really admire the way you have handled this situration. Stay strong and keep posting as we are all here to listen and when asked, provide perspectives from outside the storm you are in....

 

KG

[S2B]

You are doing great Drone.

[notbroken]

The more you talk to her or deal with her in any way the longer you will delay your recovery/happiness. Only talk to her when absolutely required. Ask yourself what will happen if you don't. In most cases, it will likely be nothing. Don't prolong your pain. Just avoid her like the plague.

 

Accept the fact the woman you loved is gone. That's hard. But true nonetheless. The person that remains is NOT the one you thought you were married to. She will lie to herself and others to try to justify what she has done. Protect your interests. She WILL lie, cheat, and steal to come out on top.

 

Spending $$$s arguing over pennies doesn't make sense. Give in to the little things. Fight hard for the big things - like your kids. Never 'bash' your ex to your children. Be the 'bigger man' with that - and tell your kids you intend to do that. They'll soon realize Mom isn't right when she bashes you - and is being petty. NEVER break that rule.

 

As tempting as revenge on the lowlife affair partner is, it just isn't worth it. It could result in jail and then they would win. Ignore them. Get to the point you really don't care (which will come much sooner than you think).

 

Take care of yourself. Go to the gym. Work out hard. Eat right - and regularly. Drink lots of water. Get some new clothes. Look the best you have in years. The 'divorce diet' can be very effective. Just make sure you aren't neglecting yourself.

 

I call it 'crazy time'. Be careful these days. Don't drink and drive. Know you are more likely to get in an accident. Your mind just isn't focused right now. Accept that. Act accordingly.

 

Make it a point to do something nice for yourself every day. Something simple. Life is hard enough right now without you beating yourself up too.

 

Don't blame yourself too much. Figure out the things you did wrong and forgive yourself asap. If you can, accept your wife (you don't have to forgive her - just accept her for who she is). You do this for you - not for her. Don't 'blow up' on her in little pieces. If you have to, do it all at once and then leave it alone. Doing it 'in pieces' just makes things harder on all of you for longer periods.

 

Acknowledge that your kids are going through a hard time and may act out a bit. This does NOT give them permission to take things out on you. If they do, tell them that in those terms (I know you are having a hard time with this - I definitely am too - I'm sorry for your circumstances but please don't make this harder on me/us than it already is. Everything is NOT my fault.).

 

Best wishes. Brighter days ARE ahead - I promise.

[MadJackBird]

The more you talk to her or deal with her in any way the longer you will delay your recovery/happiness. Only talk to her when absolutely required. Ask yourself what will happen if you don't. In most cases, it will likely be nothing. Don't prolong your pain. Just avoid her like the plague.

 

Accept the fact the woman you loved is gone. That's hard. But true nonetheless. The person that remains is NOT the one you thought you were married to. She will lie to herself and others to try to justify what she has done. Protect your interests. She WILL lie, cheat, and steal to come out on top.

 

Spending $$$s arguing over pennies doesn't make sense. Give in to the little things. Fight hard for the big things - like your kids. Never 'bash' your ex to your children. Be the 'bigger man' with that - and tell your kids you intend to do that. They'll soon realize Mom isn't right when she bashes you - and is being petty. NEVER break that rule.

 

As tempting as revenge on the lowlife affair partner is, it just isn't worth it. It could result in jail and then they would win. Ignore them. Get to the point you really don't care (which will come much sooner than you think).

 

Take care of yourself. Go to the gym. Work out hard. Eat right - and regularly. Drink lots of water. Get some new clothes. Look the best you have in years. The 'divorce diet' can be very effective. Just make sure you aren't neglecting yourself.

 

I call it 'crazy time'. Be careful these days. Don't drink and drive. Know you are more likely to get in an accident. Your mind just isn't focused right now. Accept that. Act accordingly.

 

Make it a point to do something nice for yourself every day. Something simple. Life is hard enough right now without you beating yourself up too.

 

Don't blame yourself too much. Figure out the things you did wrong and forgive yourself asap. If you can, accept your wife (you don't have to forgive her - just accept her for who she is). You do this for you - not for her. Don't 'blow up' on her in little pieces. If you have to, do it all at once and then leave it alone. Doing it 'in pieces' just makes things harder on all of you for longer periods.

 

Acknowledge that your kids are going through a hard time and may act out a bit. This does NOT give them permission to take things out on you. If they do, tell them that in those terms (I know you are having a hard time with this - I definitely am too - I'm sorry for your circumstances but please don't make this harder on me/us than it already is. Everything is NOT my fault.).

 

Best wishes. Brighter days ARE ahead - I promise.

 

+1

 

I have to admit I have not read any of this thread, but this is excellent advice.

 

If you are not already seeking out IC or a Divorce Support Group I'd recommend that in addition to everything quoted.

[Cephalopod]

It looks like I'm having troubles understanding some recent suggestions given in a last couple of posts. Perhaps this is because most of you are so well ahead of me in this game. I guess this is the road I have to travel myself and an experience I have to gain personally.

 

When a wayward is in "the fog", as it is called, that person is literally in a self-imposed psychosis. There are brain chemicals...serotonin and dopamine namely... that are being released into her brain in huge quantities whenever she talks to or is with her affair partner. These are the limerance chemicals...the chemicals involved with "falling in love".

 

Right now your wife is quite literally addicted to this other man. She actually experiences a chemical high while being around him or talking to him. It is the same high that she got while falling in love with you. That is why she is so dismissive of your feelings and emotional state. In the same way a junkie mother will stay stoned all day and allow her baby to starve to death, so too is you wife starving you and your children of the affection and attention (and fidelity) that you all need from her. But she doesn't care, because she is caught up in the high.

 

I do not see a correlation between my desire to know "why"'and understand her point of view that I have expressed here ( perhaps I shouldn't) and being codependent, giving her a power of decision et cetera. Yes, I want to know, but not preoccupied with that.

 

And the sad part is, you are never going to know the full truth, or the "why", because unless she is willing to be completely transparent, and unless she is willing to work her butt off on herself to dig down deep and understand why she has such weak boundaries, she is never going to be able to answer these questions for herself or for you. First off...she has to want to. And she has shown you she doesn't want to.

 

Sadly, the majority of waywards lack the self-awareness and motivation needed to learn and change.

 

In any case, the irrefutable truth thatn some of you mentioned is that I cannot allow myself to coexist with her affair and have no other way out but to divorce. That's what I'm doing, no more, no less.

 

Those few who needed to know about what happened (and to whom she may want to present a different version of events) have been informed.

 

I'm happy for you that you have come to this decision, even though it is a painful one.

[Sweetfish]

I do not see a correlation between my desire to know "why"'and understand her point of view that I have expressed here ( perhaps I shouldn't) and being codependent, giving her a power of decision et cetera. Yes, I want to know, but not preoccupied with that.

 

Because the courts, her point of view, and your decisions can create long lasting damage to your capital and children future once the gavel awards its winners. You two will forever be the parents of your children. So understanding as much as possible in such a critical turning point in your life is power in my opinion.

 

The interaction you have with your wife and her view point expressed in the courts can change the dynamics of everything and lawyers do know for a fact that once a person is in a fog they can use that power to extract as much from the husband as possible.

 

Just know your dealing with an unpredictable person and better to be on your toes than get blindsided.

[Drone117]

Re job worries. Not irrational given the circumstances. But it may impact you. Ask for legal advice on what happens in D if WW loses her job. Will your courts "impute" income to her or not? If the company wants her gone, it will let her resign in all likelihood without any admission of violating company rules if she refuses then she may be fired for violating company rules. Or maybe she gets a slap on the hand or transferred. The lack of announced agenda must scare her to death.

 

Re her desires. She simply doesn't know what she wants or who she wants. Thus the phrase "cake eater". What she wants is the status quo with the A continuing and you waiting for her to decide. Ignore her words and watch her actions. Your goal is to get out of infidelity. Via R or D. Without remorse, however, your unilateral attempts at R will be futile. I'm sure you have by now read enough other posts to understand what remorse looks like. Don't confuse regret with remorse.

 

Your first paragraph (wrt her job) is very accurate. Without specific details - I'm following the legal advice here. The same applies to a very tempting idea of exposing him to the workplace.

 

The second paragraph - not sure where the perception of unilateral R comes from, but lei me tell you this. Not sure if I'm "educated" enough in regret vs remorse matter but even if she does an 180 turn and starts acting as "the R rules require" plus some more, I'm very doubtful I'll be able the extend the R hand back. Not after what I've reed and heard from her. I'll be forced to live with the fact I'm her backup plan and or looking over my shoulder for this guy to resurface. I can't do that even for the kid and her, I guess that's my limit.

 

In other words she regrets (if I'm using this word properly) that she hurt me, they kid, destroyed the family, likely her career, but she sees her relationship with this guy as some sort of all conquering infatuation, or addiction that had to happen and was irresistible; she just needs to live with consequences now. This is my summary, may not be 100% accurate but darn close.

[Drone117]

Because the courts, her point of view, and your decisions can create long lasting damage to your capital and children future once the gavel awards its winners. You two will forever be the parents of your children. So understanding as much as possible in such a critical turning point in your life is power in my opinion.

 

The interaction you have with your wife and her view point expressed in the courts can change the dynamics of everything and lawyers do know for a fact that once a person is in a fog they can use that power to extract as much from the husband as possible.

 

Just know your dealing with an unpredictable person and better to be on your toes than get blindsided.

 

Thank you very much for this. That was great.

 

I'll take time to respond to other (very helpful) posts here later.

[Miky]

Your first paragraph (wrt her job) is very accurate. Without specific details - I'm following the legal advice here. The same applies to a very tempting idea of exposing him to the workplace.

 

The second paragraph - not sure where the perception of unilateral R comes from, but lei me tell you this. Not sure if I'm "educated" enough in regret vs remorse matter but even if she does an 180 turn and starts acting as "the R rules require" plus some more, I'm very doubtful I'll be able the extend the R hand back. Not after what I've reed and heard from her. I'll be forced to live with the fact I'm her backup plan and or looking over my shoulder for this guy to resurface. I can't do that even for the kid and her, I guess that's my limit.

 

In other words she regrets (if I'm using this word properly) that she hurt me, they kid, destroyed the family, likely her career, but she sees her relationship with this guy as some sort of all conquering infatuation, or addiction that had to happen and was irresistible; she just needs to live with consequences now. This is my summary, may not be 100% accurate but darn close.

 

 

 

Drone,

 

I would not take what she wrote in her personal diary as true intent,

she is high on the affair/Limerance drugs and truly behaving like an addict that will say anything to get her fix, even now as you have stated your intentions with regards to divorce, I doubt she has any understanding or grasp on reality, and as hard as it is I would not take that as her feelings towards you, however she has clearly feelings for the Douche bag OM which are confusing for her, I do suspect that the HR meeting is either a strong reprimand or she is being let go (and being let go is the strongest between the two) and if that will happen the OM will throw her under the bus, and with that happening I expect her behavior and tune to change if she is going to be let go, this is when the "Fog" will lift and the gravity of her actions will start to hit her, Expect some changes in her behavior very soon to my opinion.

 

Take your time, you have the upper hand here, one who is willing to walk away has control on the relationship,

 

Stay strong

[Marc878]

Your first paragraph (wrt her job) is very accurate. Without specific details - I'm following the legal advice here. The same applies to a very tempting idea of exposing him to the workplace.

 

The second paragraph - not sure where the perception of unilateral R comes from, but lei me tell you this. Not sure if I'm "educated" enough in regret vs remorse matter but even if she does an 180 turn and starts acting as "the R rules require" plus some more, I'm very doubtful I'll be able the extend the R hand back. Not after what I've reed and heard from her. I'll be forced to live with the fact I'm her backup plan and or looking over my shoulder for this guy to resurface. I can't do that even for the kid and her, I guess that's my limit.

 

In other words she regrets (if I'm using this word properly) that she hurt me, they kid, destroyed the family, likely her career, but she sees her relationship with this guy as some sort of all conquering infatuation, or addiction that had to happen and was irresistible; she just needs to live with consequences now. This is my summary, may not be 100% accurate but darn close.

 

She's content with the actions she's taken. You at this time have nothing to work with. It takes two. Stay strong and move forward.

 

You'll be better off longterm. Although your heart won't see it yet.

[WilyWill]

For what it's worth, she's got a very rocky road ahead of her. If she's lucky enough to keep her job, she'll have a big black mark on her record that will impede her career. Lover-boy might not be interested in commitment (possibly seeing her just as an easy lay) and also is concerned about his career.

 

She's possibly lost both a job, her true Romeo, and the husband-rock that she has leaned on for years (without realizing the extent of her dependence). She might start acting very irrationally as her world crumbles around her. She'll either look to you for support, or take out her hostility on you. Just keep your distance, and don't get baited into sex or arguments.

[WilyWill]

Oh, and while we're at it, it's time to destroy Romeo and then watch him throw your wife under the bus (if he hasn't already). He sounds like the kind of guy that has many irons in the fire--always trying to prove he's top dog. At the very least, he's got a wife or girlfriend. Your PI can probably find a lot about him. His SO needs to know his true nature.

[Drone117]

Drone,

 

I would not take what she wrote in her personal diary as true intent,

she is high on the affair/Limerance drugs and truly behaving like an addict that will say anything to get her fix, even now as you have stated your intentions with regards to divorce, I doubt she has any understanding or grasp on reality, and as hard as it is I would not take that as her feelings towards you, however she has clearly feelings for the Douche bag OM which are confusing for her, I do suspect that the HR meeting is either a strong reprimand or she is being let go (and being let go is the strongest between the two) and if that will happen the OM will throw her under the bus, and with that happening I expect her behavior and tune to change if she is going to be let go, this is when the "Fog" will lift and the gravity of her actions will start to hit her, Expect some changes in her behavior very soon to my opinion.

 

Take your time, you have the upper hand here, one who is willing to walk away has control on the relationship,

 

Stay strong

 

I totally agree with the above, only to add that this is very close to what I read and interpret.

 

I feel really low for keep reading but couldn't resist. Need to end this soon.

[Drone117]

She's content with the actions she's taken. You at this time have nothing to work with. It takes two. Stay strong and move forward.

 

You'll be better off longterm. Although your heart won't see it yet.

 

Agree. I gave up on any chances she'd want and try to repair, seems we are both past this point.

[Drone117]

For what it's worth, she's got a very rocky road ahead of her. If she's lucky enough to keep her job, she'll have a big black mark on her record that will impede her career. Lover-boy might not be interested in commitment (possibly seeing her just as an easy lay) and also is concerned about his career.

 

She's possibly lost both a job, her true Romeo, and the husband-rock that she has leaned on for years (without realizing the extent of her dependence). She might start acting very irrationally as her world crumbles around her. She'll either look to you for support, or take out her hostility on you. Just keep your distance, and don't get baited into sex or arguments.

 

Also very accurate, based on they pieces of the puzzle available to me. Like that'd make a good translation to English from our native language. Very accurate once again. Call it wishful thinking on my side, but I think she contacted him to find out if he knows about that HR call and he was not supportive or forthcoming.

[Miky]

I totally agree with the above, only to add that this is very close to what I read and interpret.

 

I feel really low for keep reading but couldn't resist. Need to end this soon.

 

Drone,

I would do exactly the same, just the mere knowledge that there is a piece of information that is out there that I have not read will drive me insane, even more then the hurt the information would cause me, I would need/want to know every little detail of what is in there, to be able to process am much as possible, I would deal with the hurt of the essence of the words later, glutton for punishment as they say,

 

That is the way my brain is wired.

 

As I said, I believe these words are "addicts" blabber, nothing more then rainbow and unicorn talk, she is infatuated with this douche and the issue is, as always, after the high of the affair comes the lows and these are devastating for some WWs,

 

you have log history with her, living together going to the daily hardship of the relationship, there is an emotional connection between the two of you that spans a decade, part of being a family and raising a child together , she does not have that with him and soon enough once the novelty will fade, reality will hit of what she has done, even if they will end up together next week, no one healthy and normal mentally can sever a long and deep connection of a long term relationship(unless they have been unhappy for a long time, or due to abusive relationships), some get the fog lifted fully some years down the line after the betrayed spouse is long gone or in a new relationship,

I know personally of a situation of a Walk Away Wife of a friend of mine that had the "WTFHID" moment the day my friend was about to get married with his new GF, they have a son together, and the devastation of the realization of what she has done had drove her insane, it took her close to 2 years to got out of the fog, throw out the OM that was living with her (at my friends old home...) and come begging for my friends forgiveness, she knew he is gone for her, but had to try, she needed psychiatric help to cope with the devastation and realization of what she has done.

 

your wife's affair drugs and highs will eventually fizzle out and reality will sink in, you need to understand this state of mind of her and be somewhat prepared, most men in your situation are far from your position of strength and resolve, and are in much weaker vantage point in this situation, the fact that you speak consequence with her is a HUGE deal and gives you full control.

 

It is in your power at this moment to make the decisions, Reconcile or Divorce, I know you are resolute on Divorce now and I think this is the way to go, the marriage you had is gone and irreparable and need to be terminated, she detonated a nuclear device on it and it is no longer there, however, there is nothing that prevents you to entertain dating her and having a new relationship with her after the Divorce is completed, the current marriage is gone.

 

I would say keep the course you are on and watch carefully how she behaves, be respectful of her even with all the hurt she has caused you,

She is still your Son's mother and need basic respect, no need to be nasty to her as this will serve as a justification to what she has done, the Key is to show "indifference" this is the state that will be most effective on her, as any other emotion will feed her justification mechanism to quite her guilty conscious.

 

Keep the course, you are doing well

[Jersey born raised]

Drone I read her, exWW, emails until we sighed the final agreement. Be careful not to reveal your sources. Does she know you reading her dairy? In any event try to focus on what she is doing towards and what she wants from a divorce.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You have done remarkably well under the circumstances. I get the impression that she thought that Prince Charming would step up and now she is realizing that she is just the flavor of the month. Also she realizes that chances of recovering the marriage is not likely. Still she is the one that drove this relationship in the ditch and until she makes a big move, there is nothing for you to do. Keeping things cordial should help to get through the legal issues with less blood-letting.

 

I recommend exercise to help with stress relief and make a healthier you. Start doing things with just you and the children to get them use to the transition. Involve yourself in a hobby that you may have ignored or always wanted to try. This is also a good time to take inventory of the relationship and look at those things that you could have done to improve things. These will be helpful as you move forward.

 

I assume that you have already looked to secure finances, logistics of where you will live, child visitation, etc. This is going to take a long time to get over, but you will in time and my guess is you will do well.

[BluesPower]

Yeah try not to gloat when her OM throws her to the wolves. Which I guaranty that he will.

 

Be aware that more than likely she will come to you crying and begging for you to take her back.

 

It will be your decision if you want to.