Is anything going on

[Zenstudent]

Every time I feel melancholy about being single I read one of these long threads and feel so thankful for my uncomplicated life. The wonderful thing about LS for a romantic like me is that it has killed all my remaining romantic illusions about women stone dead. This thread though has been especially instructive in its tragic awfulness. I wish the best for the OP and admire his Stoicism.

Not all women, nor all men are like this. It's only between 25 and 40 percent... So please don't generalize.

[Sweetfish]

I had no romantic illusions about men. I did have about women. Thank you LS for destroying them!

The truth shall set you free!

 

My ex gf was the epitome of a 'nice girl'. Bookish, empathetic, romantic introvert. Lived together for 3 years. Didn't stop her ****ing my friend and blaming me for it....

 

Its really hard to resist the red pill after being in that type of relationship

[Drone117]

Good points.

 

And I think a lot of cheaters affair down because it gives them a sense of control. Control can be an addictive drug, and if this OM was of a lower or equal species, she probably got off on the power she had over him. Not so much with her husband, who is obviously her superior in most ways that count.

 

Nice theory and I really appreciate any possible explanations that may answer the "why" 'question, but I have to disagree. AFAIK he was or is some sort of control freak. He enjoys the control. I know that at times I can be too directive as well (military part and all) and have to control it, but wouldn't go that far out of respect ghee a women and especially the mother of my kid. Actually sometimes I wonder if there is some hidden submissiveness in her? Or whatever it is called.

[Drone117]

So you're saying he initiated every conversation? Odds are, they went NC few times and she reached out as well. Think about it, your wife enjoyed the attention, if it got pulled she went back to the source.. I guarantee.

 

Ok, I agree, just not want I call aggressively pursuing.

[BuddyX]

Its really hard to resist the red pill after being in that type of relationship

 

Red Pill has a sweet taste to it. It does open up your eyes.

Edited January 8, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[Sweetfish]

Not all women, nor all men are like this. It's only between 25 and 40 percent... So please don't generalize.

 

Its at 50%

 

and infidelity is about 60%

 

so riddle me this...its just not worth the investment.

 

would you sign a contract that states you have a 57% chance of losing your home and kids and 100% of all your investment into your loving wife?

 

Not all men or women are like that NOW. I bet 5 years ago the OP's wife would have swore on who's ever grave she would never cheat. I agree with the poster that said he played his wife...

 

There is a thread about a women who was starting to like a co-worker and everyone here warned her not to do it... well she denied him and his true colors came out just like the OP's wife OM.

 

Its really is a drug...

[Drone117]

I bet 5 years ago the OP's wife would have swore on who's ever grave she would never cheat. I agree with the poster that said he played his wife...

 

...

 

My first post was mid November,... So how about 2 months ago instead of 5 years? Safe bet.

[BuddyX]

Not all women, nor all men are like this. It's only between 25 and 40 percent... So please don't generalize.

 

Even if your # are correct, then why is fidelity so difficult? I mean, it's simple, if you're single, date and have fun. If you're in a relationship stay Monogamous. It's black and white. Why do so many people make it grey?

 

"You know what real love is? Sacrifice"

[Whitestar]

Its at 50%

 

and infidelity is about 60%

 

so riddle me this...its just not worth the investment.

 

would you sign a contract that states you have a 57% chance of losing your home and kids and 100% of all your investment into your loving wife?

 

Not all men or women are like that NOW. I bet 5 years ago the OP's wife would have swore on who's ever grave she would never cheat. I agree with the poster that said he played his wife...

 

There is a thread about a women who was starting to like a co-worker and everyone here warned her not to do it... well she denied him and his true colors came out just like the OP's wife OM.

 

Its really is a drug...

 

Exactly!

I dont hate woman or think they are any worse then men, its just that I have no romantic illusions about them any more. Take that those illusions away and its hard to summon up much enthusiasm for causal dating, never mind living together or marriage. Really I can ever see myself getting married now...

[Whitestar]

My first post was mid November,... So how about 2 months ago instead of 5 years? Safe bet.

 

 

I would have rated the odds my ex gf cheating on me as being the same as her being some multi tentacled alien from Alpha Centuri. I would have bet my life on her virtue...

[Sweetfish]

Exactly!

I dont hate woman or think they are any worse then men, its just that I have no romantic illusions about them any more. Take that those illusions away and its hard to summon up much enthusiasm for causal dating, never mind living together or marriage. Really I can ever see myself getting married now...

 

on YouTube look up "tupac as a teen tupac as a man..."

 

Its not work safe...(profanity)

 

This is extreme..but look how woman change this guy.

[Cephalopod]

Nice theory and I really appreciate any possible explanations that may answer the "why" 'question, but I have to disagree. AFAIK he was or is some sort of control freak. He enjoys the control. I know that at times I can be too directive as well (military part and all) and have to control it, but wouldn't go that far out of respect ghee a women and especially the mother of my kid. Actually sometimes I wonder if there is some hidden submissiveness in her? Or whatever it is called.

 

Well that is another possibility. Maybe she likes to be dominated. Some people do.

[ShatteredLady]

I would have rated the odds my ex gf cheating on me as being the same as her being some multi tentacled alien from Alpha Centuri. I would have bet my life on her virtue...

 

 

I've just read through your previous threads! What happened to your dreamy musician that you were having such amazing sex with whilst lying to BOTH her & your girlfriend about the others existence?

 

No wonder you don't have very much faith in monogamy as you're one of the % who knows how easy it is to betray someone that you love.

 

 

There are many, pretty similar % of infidelity statistics around. Many include those who EVER cheated. That includes many very young 'exit affair' type relationships & student drunken hook-ups. As I said, similar %. Does anyone know of more reliable (I know there are all kinds of statistics around & how can any researcher really know? I'm not getting at that) studies of infidelity in long term first marriages? Is it still about 50%?

 

I find these numbers so depressing! I don't come from a family with much infidelity (that I know of) or divorce. I liked my old innocent life

 

Sorry Drone that this has gone off on a tangent. As a depressed BS I find the prevelance of infidelity 'interesting'. I HATE to think that the chances of being in a loving, loyal "until death us do part" marriage are so rare.

 

Does it make you consider reconciliation any differently? I'm still not convinced that I'm a person who can truly get past the devastation. The fact that adultery is so common (whatever the %) doesn't change the fact that I had such faith in OUR love.

Edited January 8, 2017 by ShatteredLady

[Sweetfish]

There are many, pretty similar % of infidelity statistics around. Many include those who EVER cheated. That includes many very young 'exit affair' type relationships & student drunken hook-ups. As I said, similar %. Does anyone know of more reliable (I know there are all kinds of statistics around & how can any researcher really know? I'm not getting at that) studies of infidelity in long term first marriages? Is it still about 50%?

 

I find these numbers so depressing! I don't come from a family with much infidelity (that I know of) or divorce. I liked my old innocent life

 

Sorry Drone that this has gone off on a tangent. As a depressed BS I find the prevelance of infidelity 'interesting'. I HATE to think that the chances of being in a loving, loyal "until death us do part" marriage are so rare.

 

Does it make you consider reconciliation any differently? I'm still not convinced that I'm a person who can truly get past the devastation. The fact that adultery is so common (whatever the %) doesn't change the fact that I had such faith in OUR love.

 

 

These numbers are considered liberal numbers.

 

I will tell you some real data.

 

Every single employee I've worked with for the last 8 years in my profession. HAS cheated on their S.O. with the exception of me and 4 other guys. This is out of over a 100 maybe. I am considered by many of my fellow workers as the perfect boyfriend/husband. I've traveled to other countries where drop dead gorgeous women have approached me and my fellow employees.. women that men would DIE for and I watched as these co-workers cheated on their wives time after time.

 

There is no way for the wife to know... absolute nothing.

 

So I think its more common than you think..

 

BTW out of those 4 guys... 2 of them were cheated on and divorced by their wives

[Poutrew]

I wonder, if there were a disease that people who either cheated or had the predilection to cheat died from, but was otherwise harmless to everyone else on the planet, just how many humans would be alive afterwards? My guess: less than a million planetwide.

[ShatteredLady]

Ugh! I worked in a very male dominated industry. Head office, successful high earners with extremely flexible hours & expense accounts. Nearly all 'happily' married with children. They 'ran books' (gambled & rated) all of the women joining the company (secretaries, telesales etc). Disgusting

 

It was very organized. Women were rated on everything from breast size too bum pertness. The MM received a variety of points for a full shag week 1. That steadily decreased until they became the hard to get list where the prizes (High end drinks) increased. A car BJ was 10 points, hotel 20. Video or photographic evidence went into 'The Book'.

 

Some of these women would gush about how in-luv they were. How he was going to leave his wife. How romantic he was. Whilst he was racking-up points for a good malt or a bottle of champagne to share with his wife!!

 

Everyone knew & the women had no respect & no career advancement. I always believed that it was the industry (Alcohol). From the top down all Management had recognized mistresses who travelled with them. Spouses were only ever invited to attend the lunch time Christmas party. All other functions were strictly employees only. I was the only senior woman in the whole section.

 

There were (of course) some men who didn't participate & remained faithful but they were joked about like school yard geeks.

 

Only one of my friends had a similar experience at her company. There it was the 'norm' to go out after work on Friday nights, drink a lot & 'get-off' with each other! Adultery in the workplace was considered rare according to everyone else I knew who worked in different industries.

 

I wonder if infidelity is more or less prevalent according to profession? I've heard that military, police & teachers are bad but I don't have any first hand experience. Can't remember where I heard that??

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Drone,

 

Have you exposed to her family yet?

 

Does your child know why ?

 

What are the terms you are looking for in the divorce?

 

Take pro-active steps to protect yourself from her re-writing the marriage to family, friends and your son. Please !

[Blanch]

I thought it strange that co-workers were egging them on while at the same time there have been multiple complaints. Could it be that she misinterpreted their reactions? Especially if the language used was ambiguous.

 

 

 

For example if someone says in English “for goodness sake get a room you two” this is actually an expression of disgust at their behavior rather than encouragement.

 

 

Also even though you believe his wife knows all, I think you should still contact her because it's likely he's not given her the full story.

[Drone117]

 

 

Does it make you consider reconciliation any differently? I'm still not convinced that I'm a person who can truly get past the devastation. The fact that adultery is so common (whatever the %) doesn't change the fact that I had such faith in OUR love.

 

I'm sorry for you own experience. Just to be sure - I assume this was an open question, not a question to me?

[Drone117]

Hi Drone,

 

Have you exposed to her family yet?

 

Does your child know why ?

 

What are the terms you are looking for in the divorce?

 

Take pro-active steps to protect yourself from her re-writing the marriage to family, friends and your son. Please !

 

Yes.

Only to a degree that is appropriate to his age.

I'm looking for a reasonable favorable terms, however I admit at the moment I'm not getting full hostile which will get me a better terms (e.g. worse for her). Old habits die hard.

WIP.

[Drone117]

I thought it strange that co-workers were egging them on while at the same time there have been multiple complaints. Could it be that she misinterpreted their reactions? Especially if the language used was ambiguous.

 

 

 

For example if someone says in English “for goodness sake get a room you two” this is actually an expression of disgust at their behavior rather than encouragement

 

Also even though you believe his wife knows all, I think you should still contact her because it's likely he's not given her the full story.

 

As far as I know some of them were encouraging her, my interpretation is that perhaps they didn't expect her to go all the way. Example. She quoted a discussion with 2 female co-workers when she asked about OM chasing her and how should react. Their response was basically it's ok, flirt a bit, he's so lovely, won't hurt no-one...

 

I (and she) still don't know who launched the complaint.

[Lady2163]

From the beginning of your thread I felt like your wife got played. Whether or not that is true many women do get played. Getting close to fire is fun till things go to far. With the info you have I feel certain you can tell who was after who in the beginning.

 

Here is a post every woman and man should read that was posted on another website years ago. Its interesting that in the US one third of men and women cheat sooner or later but only twenty percent of them ever get caught(according to experts in the field, who knows?)

 

I don't recall who posted this:

 

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

 

 

|

 

I think this was one of,those articles/letters proven to be false.

[aliveagain]

As far as I know some of them were encouraging her, my interpretation is that perhaps they didn't expect her to go all the way. Example. She quoted a discussion with 2 female co-workers when she asked about OM chasing her and how should react. Their response was basically it's ok, flirt a bit, he's so lovely, won't hurt no-one...

 

I (and she) still don't know who launched the complaint.

 

Probably another jilted married co-worker that lost out on his affection. There is an newspaper article that has gone viral in the UK. This all happened over the Christmas holiday and involves a husband and wife that both work for the same company. Apparently the poor husband stayed home to watch their young children while the wife attended the company Christmas party. She got drunk and out of hand and ended up in a cubicle in the woman's washroom with another employee and had sex with him.

 

Other employee's saw them enter the woman's washroom together and filmed them having sex from the next cubical with their cell phone. This is how the poor husband found out about it, the video was sent from employee to employee and someone sent it to him. There was no doubt about it, his wife was clearly recognizable. She had to confess because her sexual escaped made the newspapers. I think this all started because of the encouragement of others and the thing I find most disgusting is they all know her husband, they work with him. I am not sure how this has played out as they have just gone back to work after the Christmas holidays.

 

In my opinion your situation is worse because this was no one night stand, infidelity takes a lot of planning. Just think about the amount of deceit required to hide it from you for so long(planning around your schedules, all conscious decisions, premeditated and sometimes planned weeks in advance). Think about the health risk she put you in for her selfish bit on the side(they always lie about using protection specially if it's been going on for a while, the exchange of bodily fluids is part of the rush). I went through it several times and my policy now is one of no tolerance because you never get over it. The best you can hope for with a lot of counselling is to learn to live with it but it will always be the white elephant in the room. Just read your first posts here, she made you think your going crazy intentionally.

Edited January 9, 2017 by aliveagain

[Chaparral]

I think this was one of,those articles/letters proven to be false.

 

Could be but I doubt it. I've known a man close to this example.

 

Have you checked out the how to pick up women and how to pick up married women sites? I think its quite common.

[Chaparral]

Drone, you should get in touch with the other man's wife. Him coming clean to his wife would be extremely rare. She deserves to know he was pursuing your wife at least. This isn't his first rodeo.

 

Has your wife asked for forgiveness and/or asked you to not divorce her?

 

Take care of yourself. Exercising and weightlifting helps a lot of men. See your doctor if you are not sleeping.