Is anything going on

[WilyWill]

Be prepared for the seductress to appear now. She'll start dressing better and might try to climb into bed with you. It's pretty sad at this point. Let her down easy and remind her that you'll always be friends and co-parents.

[BuddyX]

Be prepared for the seductress to appear now. She'll start dressing better and might try to climb into bed with you. It's pretty sad at this point. Let her down easy and remind her that you'll always be friends and co-parents.

 

^^^yup.

 

After my divorce two quotes stuck out. Use them when she comes crawling..

"Eff Female dogs. Get money" (you can figure out the translation).

 

"3 billion women out there, just in case the b*tch feels irreplaceable". Remember, from now on, she's just Version 1.0. And you're ready for an upgrade.

[ShatteredLady]

Lovely & eloquent. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

[S2B]

Have YOU filed yet?

 

Since she doesn't have to sign - what's the hold up?

 

You deserve better than her unremorseful self.

[Jersey born raised]

Her reaction is just a small indication of what is to come. I read a thread from a BH who's wife intial reaction was exactly the same as your wife from Dday on up to and including discussion of settlement. The BH could not understand her reaction. She was sad, even regretted the adultery, but they needed to divorce.

 

Their son was away onna visit overseas. I warned him that he needed to speak with him first to avoid her rewriting the marriage. He picked him up at the airport and on the way home simply of the facts that happened. 1. His mother meet a HS friend. 2. They became emotionally and romantically involoved. 3. His mother had NOT OFFER RECONCILIATION and instead reluctantly insistent on divorce. 4. He was buying the house and she would

rent a place near bye and when they got home the two (parents) would discuss the details. The dad stressed since the son was 16 his wishes would most likely be honored. They finished the drive home in silence.

 

They got home and shortly after the wife had a complete breakdown. Bye that time as two weeks had passed the husbands heart had turned into a stone cold heart. She left that day but returned nearly every day during the evening and then left for her apartment.

 

After several weeks on he asked her to honor the custody arrangement and only come over for two evenings a week. She completely broke at that point.

Went from this is horrible but I deserve it to non-stop tears and begging. The husband kept asking her to stop and move on. The one year mark for divorce will be up soon. He has not posted in several months. His last post indicated absolute indifference to his stbxWW. She was still broken but they rarely spoke except about the son. When she attempted to talk about the marriage he calmly and gently told she needed to accept the fact the marriage was over and please move on.

 

So don't be caught off guard in the future if she experiences a complete breakdown. Have you exposed any her friends? I ask because I my exWW broke when MOM dumped her even though he was divorcing. Her break was not my problem. But I had exposed to a number of friends of her's going back close to two decades. I contacted them and her sister, provided the details and asked

[Jersey born raised]

Them to step in which they did. Sorry for the break

[aliveagain]

I believe that's exactly what happened wrt her work. No official conclusion yet but all signs indicate she'll end up with a serous slap on her wrist, I guess for exactly the reasons you mentioned. She also knows her career is over and is going to look for other jobs. She's already subject of office gossips and "look it's her" looks. She was expecting him to make it all go away as he apparently had great relationship with execs, instead her tried to blame her and was spreading some of the rumors I mentioned, like she was wh..ring around with other men. She's in true shock because of this - based on what l know she was completely attracted to his boldness, disregard for marriage, arrogance, even disrespect, now she sees what it actually leads to - according to her.

 

Drone117 this is what we refer to as being "Thrown Under The Bus"

 

 

The paperwork. She didn't have to

sign it, it's draft, I wanted to get her agreement in principal. What happened is - when she got to read it - she seem to have had that "moment" many of your were talking about. So all of a sudden she went from accepting the divorce, being stoic about it (using your word) and torn between two men and moving on being single to being crushed, regretful, not wanting to loose her husband and wanting to do "whatever I wish" to fix things. Lot of tears and emotions to put it mildly.

 

This is why we recommend you talk to a lawyer as one of the very first things to do. Second is to tell the other spouse, expose the affair to those that have influence over her because infidelity is like tartufi. It thrives in the dark and hidden places, once it is exposed to the light reality replaces the fantasy. You need to be willing to loose your marriage to save it. The decision of your marriages survival or ending is now in your control and not in the control of someone who makes very bad decisions.

 

Divorce takes time so why not tell her your conditions for reconciliation(post nuptial agreement, STD testing, new job, get rid of all the friends that facilitated her affair, independent counselling for her so you know she can be a safe partner, have her pay for new wedding rings and the redo of wedding vows) and let her know that she has up to the "Final Decree" to convince you to stay married to her. Make her do the work, your the prize and not the back up plan. I don't think she expected you to be so strong.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, I have been keeping up with what has been happening with you. I am really sorry that this has happened with you and that your wife chose to destroy your family in the way she did. While she has to face the consequences of her actions especially since she is an adult and knew exactly what she was getting herself into, I think that you can afford to be charitable and compassionate and treat her with kindness while being firm with her. I do not subscribe to anyone being bitter and cruel in their treatment of another human being. Apart from the fact that she was a good wife to you for many years the fact is that as a human being you, too, are susceptible to the same human frailties that she succumbed to. The fact is that some way wards are nasty and treat their betrayed spouses with contempt and malice. In your wife's case she has not exhibited such tendencies. She is just a weak human being who gave into temptation when it stared her in the face. My point is that while you must go ahead and divorce her you do not have to treat her as the scum of the earth.

 

As things proceed I wish you the very best for the future. I am sure you will find another lady who will love and respect you for who and what you are and with whom you can chart a new and happy life. I am sure your soon to be ex wife, after having internalised the lessons of her horrible choices, will also find someone with whom she can be happy and who she will never betray as she has betrayed you. I am really sorry that so many of us turned out to be correct in reinforcing your early suspicions, but as they say' It is an ill wind that blows nobody any good'. This may have been a bitter episode in your life but you have come out of it wiser and better for it. Warm wishes.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Miky]

Her reaction is just a small indication of what is to come. I read a thread from a BH who's wife intial reaction was exactly the same as your wife from Dday on up to and including discussion of settlement. The BH could not understand her reaction. She was sad, even regretted the adultery, but they needed to divorce.

 

Their son was away onna visit overseas. I warned him that he needed to speak with him first to avoid her rewriting the marriage. He picked him up at the airport and on the way home simply of the facts that happened. 1. His mother meet a HS friend. 2. They became emotionally and romantically involoved. 3. His mother had NOT OFFER RECONCILIATION and instead reluctantly insistent on divorce. 4. He was buying the house and she would

rent a place near bye and when they got home the two (parents) would discuss the details. The dad stressed since the son was 16 his wishes would most likely be honored. They finished the drive home in silence.

 

They got home and shortly after the wife had a complete breakdown. Bye that time as two weeks had passed the husbands heart had turned into a stone cold heart. She left that day but returned nearly every day during the evening and then left for her apartment.

 

After several weeks on he asked her to honor the custody arrangement and only come over for two evenings a week. She completely broke at that point.

Went from this is horrible but I deserve it to non-stop tears and begging. The husband kept asking her to stop and move on. The one year mark for divorce will be up soon. He has not posted in several months. His last post indicated absolute indifference to his stbxWW. She was still broken but they rarely spoke except about the son. When she attempted to talk about the marriage he calmly and gently told she needed to accept the fact the marriage was over and please move on.

 

So don't be caught off guard in the future if she experiences a complete breakdown. Have you exposed any her friends? I ask because I my exWW broke when MOM dumped her even though he was divorcing. Her break was not my problem. But I had exposed to a number of friends of her's going back close to two decades. I contacted them and her sister, provided the details and asked

 

 

Jersy

 

That was a particularly bad situation as the wife was clearly choosing the OM over the husband and even told him so very clearly (as he could not provide her the wide horizons, and the range of open mindedness and emotions that the OM could and she wants to be with him as a more suitable partner), there is nothing the Husband could do here other then Divorce her as this is clearly a case of Plan B , which is making this even more tragic

[drifter777]

She is just a weak human being who gave into temptation when it stared her in the face. My point is that while you must go ahead and divorce her you do not have to treat her as the scum of the earth.

 

Drone - it sounds as if this is already where your head is at. I agree that you don't have to treat her like "scum" - you do have to harden your heart and reduce your contact with her to simple logistical matters regarding the child and divorce stuff. Any other contact you have with her will be opening yourself up to her manipulation - tears, lies, empty promises, and offers of sex - all designed to ease her conscience and get you (the husband) back in line. You are in no emotional condition to withstand this sh*t and the only thing listening to it will accomplish is more confusion, drama, and pain.

[Drone117]

Have YOU filed yet?

 

Since she doesn't have to sign - what's the hold up?

 

You deserve better than her unremorseful self.

 

Happening, although I'll withhold this update from her for a day or two until she is in a better state, she's pretty bad right now.n

[Try]

According to her (and this is contrary to her statements that divorce is best for both of us) she seem to be thinking me getting ready to file as some sort of punishment, revenge, whatever. When she looked at the proposal she apparently realised I just want this to be over asap (which is correct). So that "shattered her reality".

In the affair induced ego reality that she was living in, she thought that you were bluffing about the divorce, and that if she called your bluff by telling you that "divorce is best for both" of you, you would cave and start to do the pick me monkey dance for her. She thought wrong.

[BuddyX]

Happening, although I'll withhold this update from her for a day or two until she is in a better state, she's pretty bad right now.n

 

I admire your compassion, but let's not forget, the only reason she's down is because the MM threw her under the bus. It had nothing to do with you.

 

I'm not about kicking people when they're down, but these are self inflicted wounds. You think it's going to get easier for her at work in a week or two? I would get it over ASAP before the aftermath hits.

[Chaparral]

That's rich. You were the rock she took for granted. Now she can spend the rest of her life kicking herself for trashing her family just to chase a worthless backstabber. What's surprising is that she hasn't yet had that moment of sobbing on the floor, begging for forgiveness. She either has too much pride, or knows that it would be fruitless.

 

Having spent many years on these threads, it is very unusual for a cheating wife to have a clue about trying to get a betrayed husband to take them back. The ones that reconcile are almost universally led by their betrayed husband.

 

It isn't that they don't want to save their marriage it is just that they don't have the ability to recover from the shock and think there is an thing that can be done. They become a whipped dog with their tail between their legs with that look but with no hope. This case is even worse because Drone is reading her diary and isn't playing the normal betrayed spouse script.

 

I have done a 180 over the years and do not normally believe in reconciliation. This is the scenario that I do believe it would work because she was played by an expert. In my decades of experience, unfortunately I think most people can be played. I think she has simply resigned her self like a person does on death row. From what Drone says, I haven't heard any mention of anyone in her corner trying to help her. She seems totally lost.

 

I truly feel sorry for Drone and his wife and child.

 

May Posom rot in Hell.

[S2B]

What she is going through is only caused by her and her behavior.

 

Best to keep moving forward with action. She knows it coming anyway.

 

She should be ready for anything at this point - her own doing and you can't protect her from what she has created.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Miky,

 

She did so out of panic and numbness like Drones wife is. To finish the story 5 months later she did in fact post her story. It was filled with grief and pain. She claimed even as she said what she did she knew they where a lie. She posted for a month or so and then faded. Would she have done it differently now? Yes. Reading both threads it appears the husband's heart totally harden after two weeks. If she had reacted as she was to fearful to (not cool and fatalistic) she might have saved the marriage. But 4 months later? No .

[Drone117]

Correct, despite that what she did is apparently the only thing I was unprepared to, she's a mother of our beloved child and I enjoyed her company and great support for all these years. I owe her not to forget that - even as I consider that score settled now.

 

 

 

Hi Drone, I have been keeping up with what has been happening with you. I am really sorry that this has happened with you and that your wife chose to destroy your family in the way she did. While she has to face the consequences of her actions especially since she is an adult and knew exactly what she was getting herself into, I think that you can afford to be charitable and compassionate and treat her with kindness while being firm with her. I do not subscribe to anyone being bitter and cruel in their treatment of another human being. Apart from the fact that she was a good wife to you for many years the fact is that as a human being you, too, are susceptible to the same human frailties that she succumbed to. The fact is that some way wards are nasty and treat their betrayed spouses with contempt and malice. In your wife's case she has not exhibited such tendencies. She is just a weak human being who gave into temptation when it stared her in the face. My point is that while you must go ahead and divorce her you do not have to treat her as the scum of the earth.

 

As things proceed I wish you the very best for the future. I am sure you will find another lady who will love and respect you for who and what you are and with whom you can chart a new and happy life. I am sure your soon to be ex wife, after having internalised the lessons of her horrible choices, will also find someone with whom she can be happy and who she will never betray as she has betrayed you. I am really sorry that so many of us turned out to be correct in reinforcing your early suspicions, but as they say' It is an ill wind that blows nobody any good'. This may have been a bitter episode in your life but you have come out of it wiser and better for it. Warm wishes.

[Drone117]

Hi Miky,

 

She did so out of panic and numbness like Drones wife is. To finish the story 5 months later she did in fact post her story. It was filled with grief and pain. She claimed even as she said what she did she knew they where a lie. She posted for a month or so and then faded. Would she have done it differently now? Yes. Reading both threads it appears the husband's heart totally harden after two weeks. If she had reacted as she was to fearful to (not cool and fatalistic) she might have saved the marriage. But 4 months later? No .

 

I'm lost. What are we talking about here?

[Drone117]

Most of you suggest what had recently happened changes nothing and I should simple proceed with divorce and be done with that.

 

Some of you suggest she finally had her moment and I should - without stopping the divorce - offer her R (or list my conditions for it which is in my book is the same as offering R). I'm also getting that via other channels e.g. their family.

 

I don't have a strong view what's the right way, but I feel that just a day or two in "what have I done" mode is not nearly convincing enough to even consider imitating this discussion.

 

So I'm going to spend 2-3'days away from home to clear my head. There is no change to divorce plans whatsoever for now.

[understand50]

Most of you suggest what had recently happened changes nothing and I should simple proceed with divorce and be done with that.

 

Some of you suggest she finally had her moment and I should - without stopping the divorce - offer her R (or list my conditions for it which is in my book is the same as offering R). I'm also getting that via other channels e.g. their family.

 

I don't have a strong view what's the right way, but I feel that just a day or two in "what have I done" mode is not nearly convincing enough to even consider imitating this discussion.

 

So I'm going to spend 2-3'days away from home to clear my head. There is no change to divorce plans whatsoever for now.

 

Drone117,

 

I am a BS that has reconciled with my wife. OR I should say, I am a BS, who is working on reconciling with my wife. I am not going to sugar coat it, it takes a lot of hard, on both sides. For me it has been worth it, and I would not change the path I chose. It has taken over 40 plus years. It is something that needs to be worked at, but I would say marriage in general is the same, and when you think of it, successful marriage in when both work to keep it. So do not fear this.

 

Going away and taking your time to think and mull it over, is the best thing you can do. Remember, there is no one right answer. The only answer is what you come to, based on what you believe, and what is best for yourself, your children and finally your wife. No one can do this, and trust yourself, you will come to what is best.

 

If you decide on divorce, a quick, clean, fair, and FAST divorce, is the last loving thing you can for her. Letting her go and not letting her think that there maybe a chance to get back with you, is best, for both of you.

 

If you decide to reconcile, she will have the burden of doing most of the work, but you will have your share as well. For each couple, there is a way if they want it, but the first step is for you to decide that you want to do this, and then work to help you both find out how to go about it. How to reconnect, reestablish trust and rebuild love is not a inherited thing. You need to learn it, study it, and try different things until one works.

 

Again, I think you can reconcile if you want it. I think also, you will divorce in the most humane way, if that is what you want. I think the way you have handled this has been good, and shows what type of strong and good man you are. Your honor is intact, and that is much to your credit.

 

I wish you luck.....

[aliveagain]

I second what understand50 just posted. Any permanent decision is best made with a clear thinking mind, take the time you need. She is probably very frightened by how close she is to loosing you, this reality is now sinking in. It is very sobering for an intelligent person like your wife to realize just how dire her situation really is and why with all that intelligence she allowed this to happen.

 

You are the one that has to decide if a second chance is even an option. Only you can decide what is best for you because you have to live with the aftermath of your decision. Regardless of which choice you make be honest about it don't let her believe there is hope if there is none but if there is tell her because she will be looking to you for direction. There is nothing that can't wait an extra week to decide.

[BluesPower]

Most of you suggest what had recently happened changes nothing and I should simple proceed with divorce and be done with that.

 

Some of you suggest she finally had her moment and I should - without stopping the divorce - offer her R (or list my conditions for it which is in my book is the same as offering R). I'm also getting that via other channels e.g. their family.

 

I don't have a strong view what's the right way, but I feel that just a day or two in "what have I done" mode is not nearly convincing enough to even consider imitating this discussion.

 

So I'm going to spend 2-3'days away from home to clear my head. There is no change to divorce plans whatsoever for now.

 

Her "Reaction" and her "Moment" change nothing Drone. It was expected that she would have this reaction. The things she did, and the way she went about it and the fact that she was so stupid to believe that she loved this moron "Player" show a complete lack of respect for you and your family in every way.

 

Proceed with the divorce and a new life with anther woman.

 

Everyone here knew what was going to happen when the "Divorce" became real for her. And of course her family would like for you to reconsider your actions so that they don't have to live with the shame of what she did. Her teats are crocodile tears, she is not ashamed of what she did to you and her children, she is sorry that she got caught and now has to face the consequences.

 

The only thing that has changed is that now the fog is gone for her and she realizes what a fool she was. It does not change the deceit and lies that she engaged in to have her fun with her new lover.

 

Stay the course...

[TobyBoy]

Drone...know this, one look, one word, one email, one song, one sign from the OM to your WW is all it will take for her to fall back "in love" with him in an instant. She will endure through her work situation, her home life, the scrutiny of friends and family waiting for that moment to come.........And when it comes......it will reinforce those feelings.....that they are destined to be together forever......soulmates.

[merrmeade]

Most of you suggest what had recently happened changes nothing and I should simple proceed with divorce and be done with that.

 

Some of you suggest she finally had her moment and I should - without stopping the divorce - offer her R (or list my conditions for it which is in my book is the same as offering R). I'm also getting that via other channels e.g. their family.

 

I don't have a strong view what's the right way, but I feel that just a day or two in "what have I done" mode is not nearly convincing enough to even consider imitating this discussion.

 

So I'm going to spend 2-3'days away from home to clear my head. There is no change to divorce plans whatsoever for now.

Wait a minute. I'm kind of confused.

 

The only reason I had an opinion finally was that I thought you didn't have the stomach for taking her back after all you'd learned from the diary. Most posts have been chanting to D, D, D. A few, such as the one immediately following OP's above, have said think about it. And, you, Drone, are saying - what? - you're trying to do what we're telling you?

 

Can we back up a minute? I have had the question from the beginning - same with Zinger ever so many months ago - whether his wife had a chance in hell of embracing or communicating deep remorse because of how loud the natives were beating the divorce drums.

 

I mean I'm all for supporting separation and independence for the right reasons and there are usually more of those than otherwise. So, Drone, can you say - not ask us - but tell us which interpretations of her actions are correct? Do you think the only reason she's freaking out is because the OM turned his back on her and tried to save his own skin? Do you think she WANTS to know what she's done wrong and how she's hurt you? Do you think her sorrow or hysteria or whatever she's displaying is worth looking at more closely for authenticity, commitment and humility?

 

Truly, I get confused when the peanut gallery gets louder than the act. I just don't understand how so many can be so completely 100% confident about what anyone, whom they've ever seen and only know about in an anonymous forum, is feeling, seeing, wanting or should do. And how much less likely what the people that this person is writing about are feeling, seeing, wanting or should do. I mean don't we just give our impressions and relate them to our observations and inferences with the caveat that they are by definition our opinions? How do we know everything she's thinking and feeling? How is everyone so sure if Drone is not?

 

Probably not a popular post - just asking...

Edited January 18, 2017 by merrmeade

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Drone,

 

You refer to "their family". I assume this refers to her family? Who has been informed beside work? Just as important who informed them and what where they told? What told is very important.

 

My exWW family was told things about me that where not true and they doubted strongly. When my view point was added in they accepted mine. They thought she was crazy and refused to support the adultery. (they accepted that marraies end but refused to condone adultery). When she tried to bring MOM to a family function she was told she would always be welcomed that he would never be. They told her point blank to dump him, finish the divorce and find some else. MOM would never be welcomed in their homes or lives.