Is anything going on

[CaliforniaGirl]

The issue I have with your logic is simple: your definition of "love" is different than mine. That's easy to understand - we're all different. Had I known that to my wife love didn't have the same assumption of fidelity I would have never married her. For her as long as she was blissfully happy in our marriage she was fine with that vow, but when things got rocky she felt entitled to seek romantic happiness elsewhere.

 

When a WW says "I never stopped loving my husband" I think that she believes this. It's just not the "for better or worse" kind of love.

 

But then by that logic your love wasn't the for better or worse kind either, as, knowing certain aspects of her character, you would have turned on a dime and walked away, bye Felicia-style. (Unless you're saying you "never would have married her" but would still have been with her...? But that's not the feeling I'm getting, with that adamant " never" thrown in there.)

 

NOBODY loves unconditionally. Period.

[road]

I've been posting here for 5 years & you've been here a long time as well so I find it hard to believe you don't know that I am a BH. Regardless, your statements regarding healing are incredibly specific and cannot be applied to all. I mean to frame my statement based on my truths and those of nearly every BH I've encountered. I completely agree that a BH can heal - maybe not quite as clearly as a lost finger but I get that analogy. However, for men who are primarlily crushed (devastated) by the sexual component I have never interacted with a single one who has "healed" to the point in the way you describe. Never. Even 40 years later BH's will speak of how they compartmentalize her cheating and toss it into the never-reaches of their minds but that it still escapes into their consciousness much more often than anyone would think.

 

Several IC's that I've worked with have told me that they see many men who are still working through their wives infidelity decades after the fact. They suggest that many men are unable and/or unwilling to process their emotions at d-day so they rationalize and rug-sweep them away. They offer false-forgivness to their WW and try to put the whole traumatic thing behind them. But as they get older and the pressing responsibilities of raising children and building a career begin to wane, the feelings they denied years ago begin to creep into their minds and they feel compelled to finally address them. Each of them has also confirmed my assertion that, for men, it's all about the sex. Those men for whom sex is like a "sacred vow" are the ones that are still troubled by her affair. A positive aspect about these older men is that they are much more willing and able to do the work to find their own peace with all this. They can work with their wife to try to understand things from her point of view which can help resolve things. Or not. That is likely why divorce rates for couples over 50 have gone up so much within the past couple decades. Divorce is not "taboo" to most baby-boomers so staying married just to stay married doesn't work as well as it used to.

 

As one gets older they tend not to remember things as well as they did.

Including who is a BS or a WS.

[Jersey born raised]

Drone, can we shift gears for a couple of posts. Did her dairy reveal anything she found lacking in the marriage? When my first serious girlfriend dump I looked at my faults and then my stenghts. I fixed my faults ad became a better man and husband. If she had been a better wife we still would be married.

 

What plans do you have to help your child cope? Where are you looking to live or will you stay and buy her out (which is the best option) for your child and yourself.

[Chaparral]

What is she saying in her diary now? Could she have figured out where you got your information and is now using her diary to get to you?

[Drone117]

I know in which camp I am. To put it simply I feel exactly as you describe in this and your other posts I checked. It is as bad as it can get - each time she does do something now which indicates true remorse to me and I feel like offering a glimpse of R (in a "we divorce and than we shall see" mode I picked up from one of the posts here) I stop. Simply because I can't even fathom a transition from full detachment I'm in now to anything more intimate over what happened.

 

I'm not a "dump the bitch" guy. I advocate for men to divorce a WW when the sexual component of her cheating is the dominant factor. Most men will never get over the sex - mind movies fade a bit but will be with you forever. The crushing blow to his self-esteem is very difficult to repair when he stays with a cheating wife because the very act of staying feels like tacid approval for what she did. In this case, when it's the sex, both BH and WW are much better off divorcing.

 

If you are a man that doesn't really care about the sex things are different. I think these men have a good chance to fully recover and repair their marriage.

 

You know which camp you fall into - all men do. I just know from all of your posts that the diary will not allow you the luxury of ignorance. You know too much to ever forgive - unless I'm wrong and the sex was, well, just sex.

[Drone117]

I like that and may very well do that, for the sake of getting answers. Although I may encounter the same issue as you posted, I'm not a good lier.

If anything else I'm may use it as a venue to tell her what I know afterwards.

 

I'm well aware about various methods of detecting a lie, having said that they didn't help me to catch the affair earlier.

 

 

 

Drone, I think that the suggestion somebody made of HER volunteering the diary is a good one. It would get a whole herd of elephants out of the room. I should think it wouldn't be that hard to get her to divulge the existence of the diary to you.

 

Have you ever thought about tricking her into inadvertently revealing it? I think that if you go further, entertaining the option of reconciling as viable, then you need to put ALL secrets behind you both and, to that end, find a way to get her to voluntarily share the diary with you—however you go about it. Normally I am NOT for manipulation, especially at this stage of, emmm, (whatever we're calling where you are) the beginnings of a possible R (?), but you've kept this huge secret for so long: Any longer and I think you will have a major obstacle to R on your hands.

 

I think you could work the conversation around so that your questions are probing but innocent. For example, ask how she's coming along with the timeline. Explain again why the details are important to you. Suggest that she consult things she wrote during that period such as emails, texts, etc. to get the chronology. If her journal-writing activity is something that she knows you know about, why would she suspect if you simply referred to this past history and asked if she was keeping a journal 'then' that she could go to for reference. By asking this with the focus on helping her retrieve the details accurately, you're not asking her to show it to you; you're suggesting it for her use, which is non-threatening. At that moment, she won't be thinking that you might already have thought this, searched and found it. The hope is she will think that your suggestion is a good idea, open it up to you and that will be that.

 

Or maybe she will show by a facial expression or body movement that you've hit a nerve and then start to obfuscate or change the subject. Such a shift in thinking is ALWAYS accompanied by a visible sign (a change in tone, a look, hard thinking, etc.).** If you see something shifty, then you have a right to call her on it and ask her why she did it. In other words, you create a pretext for her to bring up the diary, asking something that can only be answered by referring to the diary, and, if she starts to dissemble or shift away, you point out what she's doing in a non-adversarial way that she cannot refute.

 

Pointing out that she's hiding something is not easy, but it can be done. For example, I knew that my husband wasn't telling me everything, finally flipped out and left the house one month post-dDay. He came to my motel next morning and I said I knew he was still hiding something and he had to tell me right then. He stared at me unmoving for the longest time, clearly masking an internal struggle. We both stared because I, unlike you, was not 100% sure. He was weighing how sure I was (that he was hiding something) and how far I would go. In our case, any public act on my part that would've exposed him to family and friends was terrifying to him. I'm 100% convinced now that If I'd waited him out and not gone back home, he would have divulged eventually.

 

The problem in your case is that you are acting, so I don't know how far you actually can take this. You're both acting, faking it, in fact, and that's why getting her to reveal the diary is the best solution, imo. In fact, I think it is vital to any hope for future honesty and trust between you. Once she does open up and the diary is out in the open (and I hope this can happen), then you can both go forward.

 

One small (

imo

) point:

Posters have advised you not to reveal your 'source.' However, from what you've described about your recent talks and her behavior, it seems to me the threat of subterfuge and secret contact with AP has dissipated. If that's the case, then what merit does the advice hold to keep your knowledge of the diary as a secret weapon into the indefinite future? Maybe I'

m

missing something.... ?

 

There's something else to consider: If she makes this good faith effort and actually does reveal the timeline - and THEN somehow finds out that you have been hiding such an enormous chunk of knowledge - she WILL feel, at the very least, confused, even angry.

So

, if you really think you might reconcile, please get her to give the damn thing up as soon as possible.

 

fyi - I have a confession, Drone. I don't think I could do what I just advised you to do. I lied to get my husband to confess initially, but couldn't keep it up for long, and this has been so long-term. If I were seeing your wife's effort to comply and do the right thing, I'd probably be unable to continue keeping a secret of my own. I'd tell her right then and there about the diary - without apology - and ask: What do we do now?

 

** P.S. If you're going to do this, read up on the web on how to detect lying. There are some videos and articles on this, some written by ex-FBI.

[Drone117]

I'll use one post to respond to Jersey born and Chapparal.

 

I'll be staying I a house. It's bit more complicated than buying her out but let's leave it at that: I'm staying.

 

I doesn't look like she knows in reading the diary. She is not trying to list things that were lacking in marriage. Opposite to that I think she is going that other way - describes perfect marriage (I'd say idealized) that she lost. Her view can be summarized as following: she's been raised as a faithful woman and was a loving wife. That was her foundation and cultural background . She was smitten by the bravado and boldness of the om when it comes to marriage and relationship and felt that foundation is limiting her. As a result she has not only not advanced in that department but also ruined that foundation. So she is no longer faithful, soon not to be wife and has little hope Drone (me) trusts she is loving.

 

Something like that, probably poor translation on my side.

 

Just to illustrate. She called me in panic.. The bastard approached her I the office despite he's been warned to stay away from her. She told me immediately. Tried to play "had real feeding for you, but..." game. She asked him not to ever talk to her again and walked away. Now dead scared I may think it's not over.

Edited February 10, 2017 by Drone117

[TobyBoy]

Wait a minute!! They still work together? They can still see each other?

 

What was your response to her telling you that the OM talked to her?

 

Trust me here.....those words he told will ruminate in her head for a long time!! Even tho she told you, those few words had a great effect on her. Wether positive or negative, her feelings have been reignited and will continue as long as they work/see/talk to each other. If you/marriage were her priority, she would have quit her job on dday.

[Owl6118]

It is as bad as it can get - each time she does do something now which indicates true remorse to me and I feel like offering a glimpse of R (in a "we divorce and than we shall see" mode I picked up from one of the posts here) I stop. Simply because I can't even fathom a transition from full detachment I'm in now to anything more intimate over what happened.

 

Drone, if this is where you are, and you really think this is where you heart will settle, then I would change my advice to you.

 

Let the whole "secretly monotoring her diary" or "asking/maneuvering her for disclosure and testing it against what you know" go. In fact I would no longer keep her wiggling on the hook of any kind of reconciliation ever.

 

Just say to her "I know you have been worrying about what I think, if we can reconcile, what and how much you should tell me. I know becuase I have read your diary for weeks. All of it. The whole thing. As a result I know all your thoughts and feelings and actions during the affair, in your own words. All your deceptions of me, and all your real feelings about our marriage. I cannot unknow any of that. And I have no desire to be In a relationship with the person who wrote those words. I have far too much self respect for that. So, our relationship is over. Period. What I want from you now is one thing, a civil negotiation to unwind our legal affairs. You can show me that respect, or not, in which case we will have a needless and petty battle. But either way our marriage is over and will be unwound. I am moving on.

 

Detatch, divorce, and move on, then do so with firmness of purpose and a minimum of further drama. Letting her wriggle on the hook serves no further purpose beyond retribution -- which does not help you detatch and move on.

[WilyWill]

It seems like you're in limbo, hoping she can say or do something magical that will undo the things you read in the diary. But you're coming to the realization that that can never happen. Not because of a lack of willingness on her part, but because there are simply no words or actions that can undo things to an acceptable level.

 

So it really makes no sense for her to quit her job, and it doesn't matter whether she knows if you've seen the diary or not. Because it seems that reconciliation just won't be possible. Even if she willingly confessed everything that was in her diary, would it be enough?

 

I suppose these are the questions you need to keep asking yourself until you come to some closure.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, I think I suggested a while back that you will have to divorce and kill this marriage with your wife before you can even begin to think rationally about re connecting with her if ever. You have to give yourself the space that only divorce can give you so that you can clear your mind of all the junk stuff, so to say, which is cluttering up your mind at present. Once you have had time free of your wife's constant presence, to reflect on everything and come to a conclusion as to whether you can contemplate a life with her in the future or not and also be able to observe her behaviour from afar, you will be able to formulate your course of action more clearly and decisively. If you do choose to go down this path then I would suggest that you not disclose the fact that you have accessed her diary. That can be a resource for you in the future. However, if you come to the conclusion, after having given due consideration to whether you want to remarry her or not and have decided against remarriage, then you may reveal to her about your access to her diary and tell her that what you read there was the complete deal breaker for you and that you could not get over what she had expressed of her thoughts and feelings there during the course of her affair. These are just my own thoughts about your situation. Others may have different views. However my one advice would be to step out from your state of limbo and move ahead purposefully. Warm wishes.

[merrmeade]

I like that and may very well do that, for the sake of getting answers. Although I may encounter the same issue as you posted, I'm not a good lier.

If anything else I'm may use it as a venue to tell her what I know afterwards.

 

I'm well aware about various methods of detecting a lie, having said that they didn't help me to catch the affair earlier.

So I wrote a too-long, emotional censure of continued surveillance of your wife's inner thoughts vis-a-vis the secret diary, and then my computer restarted for updates. All lost, including my morning, but you escaped.

 

To summarize: This is wrong and sick and I'm out. I agree with Wily Will's assessment of your state of mind, Owl's advice and Just a Guy's option of the future. It's over, Drone.

 

Furthermore, it's so very wrong. She's working in the right direction; you're not. Change happens incrementally and that includes remorse for most people. Epiphanies are, by definition, rare and so are waywards who 'get it' suddenly, immediately and correctly are rare. No, it - like most progress and human change - is incremental, step-by-step, gradual. It's steady IF there's motivation and support. Things are going forward slowly, but what you're doing is undermining any gains.

 

We betrayeds have been grievously injured - men no more, nor less than women - yet all I see left in this thread are men who sympathize with a loss of power that actually had nothing to do with your injury in the first place. But now most of them do not condone your continued attempts to have control through deceptive practices. It is a contradiction in terms and undermines the possibility of a future relationship of trust and openness just as much as infidelity does.

 

Bah, Drone! Fah! And blech. Just blech. This completely sucks and I officially disapprove of what you're doing. But it doesn't matter what I think. Any person whose diary has been violated feels betrayed and much more so if that person has been trying to be more honest and open every day. There's no explaining it when she's trying herself to do the right thing. It's just like infidelity: You're telling yourself she'll never find out because it will blow everything up when she does. There will be no getting past it. You've hammered the last nail in the coffin of your mutual trust.

 

In other words, if you hope to reconcile, this is impossible. If you don't hope to reconcile, then why bother. You're violating her rights and obsessing about something you can't do anything about - her inner thoughts.

 

Get the hell on with having a new life.

[BoaConstrictor]

Yeah, I can understand reading the diary initially to expose the affair, but continued reading of it is a serious violation. Betrayed spouses aren't the only ones who can lose interest in reconciliation. I "only" had a short emotional affair, but if I found out that my husband continued to read my inner thoughts or my notes to my therapist (I have them in a document that is helping me process what happened) for weeks and months to come, I would probably file for divorce or at least a separation. I would likely never trust HIM again. If you ever do plan to reconcile with her, you have to tell her what you did. Don't enter into a second relationship with her without telling her about your reading of her most private thoughts.

 

Just because you made a mistake --even a marriage destroying mistake like your wife did -- does not mean you don't permanently have the right to a safe place to process your thoughts. That's what a diary is. She's not communicating with her ex through the diary. This isn't open transparency on her phone to be sure she isn't still carrying on the affair. This is her diary.

[BoaConstrictor]

So I wrote a too-long, emotional censure of continued surveillance of your wife's inner thoughts vis-a-vis the secret diary, and then my computer restarted for updates. All lost, including my morning, but you escaped.

 

To summarize: This is wrong and sick and I'm out. I agree with Wily Will's assessment of your state of mind, Owl's advice and Just a Guy's option of the future. It's over, Drone.

 

Furthermore, it's so very wrong. She's working in the right direction; you're not. Change happens incrementally and that includes remorse for most people. Epiphanies are, by definition, rare and so are waywards who 'get it' suddenly, immediately and correctly are rare. No, it - like most progress and human change - is incremental, step-by-step, gradual. It's steady IF there's motivation and support. Things are going forward slowly, but what you're doing is undermining any gains.

 

We betrayeds have been grievously injured - men no more, nor less than women - yet all I see left in this thread are men who sympathize with a loss of power that actually had nothing to do with your injury in the first place. But now most of them do not condone your continued attempts to have control through deceptive practices. It is a contradiction in terms and undermines the possibility of a future relationship of trust and openness just as much as infidelity does.

 

Bah, Drone! Fah! And blech. Just blech. This completely sucks and I officially disapprove of what you're doing. But it doesn't matter what I think. Any person whose diary has been violated feels betrayed and much more so if that person has been trying to be more honest and open every day. There's no explaining it when she's trying herself to do the right thing. It's just like infidelity: You're telling yourself she'll never find out because it will blow everything up when she does. There will be no getting past it. You've hammered the last nail in the coffin of your mutual trust.

 

In other words, if you hope to reconcile, this is impossible. If you don't hope to reconcile, then why bother. You're violating her rights and obsessing about something you can't do anything about - her inner thoughts.

 

Get the hell on with having a new life.

merrmeade, you said some things on my thread about my EA that I didn't agree with, but you nailed it on this post. I agree 100%.

[kgcolonel]

Yeah, I can understand reading the diary initially to expose the affair, but continued reading of it is a serious violation. Betrayed spouses aren't the only ones who can lose interest in reconciliation. I "only" had a short emotional affair, but if I found out that my husband continued to read my inner thoughts or my notes to my therapist (I have them in a document that is helping me process what happened) for weeks and months to come, I would probably file for divorce or at least a separation. I would likely never trust HIM again. If you ever do plan to reconcile with her, you have to tell her what you did. Don't enter into a second relationship with her without telling her about your reading of her most private thoughts.

 

Just because you made a mistake --even a marriage destroying mistake like your wife did -- does not mean you don't permanently have the right to a safe place to process your thoughts. That's what a diary is. She's not communicating with her ex through the diary. This isn't open transparency on her phone to be sure she isn't still carrying on the affair. This is her diary.

 

 

 

Sorry Boa, I have to disagree to a point. It is not the responsibility of the BS to return trust to the WS it is the other way around. I do however understand the feeling of invasion here however that would have never occurred had the original A started and then full disclosure. He is trying to grasp the future of the M and secrets at this point in the Relationship is not a time to go back to secrets.....she should be telling him everything about how she fell for the OM, what she was thinking and how she's feeling now....if that were happening, there would be no reason to continue reading the journal....its like when one has been lied to, the other has every right to verify the stories for a reasonable amount of time after a soul crushing lie....

[Marc878]

Yeah, I can understand reading the diary initially to expose the affair, but continued reading of it is a serious violation. Betrayed spouses aren't the only ones who can lose interest in reconciliation. I "only" had a short emotional affair, but if I found out that my husband continued to read my inner thoughts or my notes to my therapist (I have them in a document that is helping me process what happened) for weeks and months to come, I would probably file for divorce or at least a separation. I would likely never trust HIM again. If you ever do plan to reconcile with her, you have to tell her what you did. Don't enter into a second relationship with her without telling her about your reading of her most private thoughts.

 

Just because you made a mistake --even a marriage destroying mistake like your wife did -- does not mean you don't permanently have the right to a safe place to process your thoughts. That's what a diary is. She's not communicating with her ex through the diary. This isn't open transparency on her phone to be sure she isn't still carrying on the affair. This is her diary.

 

Privacy to cheat doesn't exist. Under the circumstances he should be doing exactly what he is.

[BoaConstrictor]

kgcolonel, define a reasonable amount of time. And who gets to decide this?

 

I see a diary in the same vein as therapy. It's off limits. I have an online therapist. Do you think it's okay for my husband to hack into my account and read my correspondence? If so, shame on you. What about hacking someone's medical records? After all, the WW could be pregnant. As the BH, you have a right to know that, don't you? And the only way you can know for sure is to check the online portal of that OB appointment she had last week. It's your right as the spouse to know this, after all.

 

Really, where do you draw the line? Obviously we draw it in very different places. Of that I can agree.

[kgcolonel]

kgcolonel, define a reasonable amount of time. And who gets to decide this? This one is easy, until a firm commitment is determined and executed, through communication and action even if divorce is the answer. If the BS is not getting what is needed in the attempts to either R or D the cheater IMO owes honesty to the one they took vows to and now has betrayed those vows. Who gets to decide???? Really, so you say a cheater can continue to mislead their so-called beloved and you're good with that???? The BS gets to decide when the Relationship has either come to an end or there is true commitment to R. I don't think we'll ever agree on this as I see the betrayal as being one of the worst things a person can do to another. Let's agree to disagree as obviously, you have some personal experience here and a different perspective....

 

I see a diary in the same vein as therapy. It's off limits. I have an online therapist. Do you think it's okay for my husband to hack into my account and read my correspondence? If so, shame on you. What about hacking someone's medical records? After all, the WW could be pregnant. As the BH, you have a right to know that, don't you? And the only way you can know for sure is to check the online portal of that OB appointment she had last week. It's your right as the spouse to know this, after all.

 

Really, where do you draw the line? Obviously we draw it in very different places. Of that I can agree.

Okay, I hear your POV, don't agree on the specific point but lets say your H has contracted HIV, to what rights as his spouse do you go to find out he is endanger your life and the health of your children??? We can go all day but I stand by my position that in a marriage, betrayal deserves to be exposed and addressed.

[WilyWill]

She gave up her right to privacy when she slept with another man and came home to her husband to sleep with him as well. Had Drone not read the diary, he'd still be stupidly plodding along, wondering why his wife tasted funny and was acting a bit distant. Sorry to be crude, but those are just the facts.

 

Now he's reading to determine if there's enough for reconciliation, independent of any lies she might tell him. We know she has a propensity for lying and he's actually doing her a favor by keeping their relationship honest.

 

But I agree with JustAGuy. He's at a point where he should just divorce himself from her and the diary. After he's put distance and time between him and his wife, he can make a final decision.

[BoaConstrictor]

The BS gets to decide when the Relationship has either come to an end or there is true commitment to R.

I would agree about the BS getting to chose when reconciliation is complete.

 

But a wayward spouse can decide to leave a betrayed spouse during the process too. They can file first. What's stopping them? Nothing.

 

I read about this 180 on here and to file even if you don't want a divorce just to shock your spouse into reconciliation or remorse. It might work....or they might accept and just sign. For this reason, I wouldn't file unless you were okay with your marriage ending the minute you file.

 

I'm not sure what I would have done if my husband had done that to me. I probably would have signed the divorce papers. Filing is a huge step to make that I only think you should make if you truly are okay with your spouse taking your actions at face value and just walking away.

 

But, YMMV.

[DAO]

Yeah, I can understand reading the diary initially to expose the affair, but continued reading of it is a serious violation. Betrayed spouses aren't the only ones who can lose interest in reconciliation. I "only" had a short emotional affair, but if I found out that my husband continued to read my inner thoughts or my notes to my therapist (I have them in a document that is helping me process what happened) for weeks and months to come, I would probably file for divorce or at least a separation. I would likely never trust HIM again. If you ever do plan to reconcile with her, you have to tell her what you did. Don't enter into a second relationship with her without telling her about your reading of her most private thoughts.

 

Just because you made a mistake --even a marriage destroying mistake like your wife did -- does not mean you don't permanently have the right to a safe place to process your thoughts. That's what a diary is. She's not communicating with her ex through the diary. This isn't open transparency on her phone to be sure she isn't still carrying on the affair. This is her diary.

 

Serious violation of what/whom :rolleyes:

The victim (BS) has every right to protect himself/herself.Full sop.

It is not matter of the privacy.

It is matter of the protection.

[Overtaxed]

Serious violation of what/whom :rolleyes:

The victim (BS) has every right to protect himself/herself.Full sop.

It is not matter of the privacy.

It is matter of the protection.

 

Well, I agree, but that's probably because I'm in the same situation. Privacy is out the window for my WW. I hacked every account, I have ways to get into every device. And I'm using it. I'm sorry, but the betrayal of infidelity is FAR worse than the betrayal of hyper-vigilant surveillance. Especially, as other posters pointed out, there's also a matter of health involved here; you have every right to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel safe again if you are going to try to R. If you're not, what difference does it make, drop the spy vs spy antics and just file. But, if you're trying for a R, yeah, I think it's totally justified and understandable to pull out technology that would make the folks from the novel 1984 shake their heads.

 

It's about establishing trust again yes, and at some point, I'll stop with the monitoring. But, right now (1 month from d-day, can't believe it's been that long) we're not there yet. I need to make sure my efforts to R are being reciprocated by the WW and that there's no more contact between the AP and my wife.

 

This comes under the heading, in my mind, of "you brought this on yourself". You think I want to do this? You think it makes me feel good to treat my wife this way? Because, let me assure you, it most decidedly does NOT.

[BoaConstrictor]

I'm sorry, but the betrayal of infidelity is FAR worse than the betrayal of hyper-vigilant surveillance.

 

No one claimed otherwise. In fact, I have claimed exactly as you before. The infidelity is far worse. But at least you grant that there is a murky gray level of betrayal here.

 

Regarding health, have yourself tested for STDs and demand results from your spouse. Problem solved without hacking.

 

And I stand by the fact that hacking someone's therapy files is a gross violation. I could not stay with someone who did that regardless of what or who I did. It completely violates the spirit of therapy and all standards of ethics, as does hacking medical records.

[Marc878]

I think the term "gagging at a gnat and swallowing a camel" applies here.

[BoaConstrictor]

I think the term "gagging at a gnat and swallowing a camel" applies here.

Go ahead thinking that just because someone wronged you and betrayed you in the worst possible ways means that you are above doing wrong yourself.

 

Hacking anyone's medical or mental health records is not only wrong; it's illegal. You are actually committing a crime. I don't care if you're the spouse. If they haven't given you permission to access that material, you have no legal or moral right to access it. There's no gray area here. No matter how badly you were wronged.

 

Back to the topic, the diary is different. It's not illegal. But it's pretty distasteful to continue reading it, especially since he doesn't want to reconcile.