Bromeo needs to vent.

[Bromeo]

Bromeo needs to vent.

 

Normally when my relationships end, it is mutually accepted that things are over, and we both cleanly move on.

 

Bromeo - 37, MS, baller job, owns home, previously not thought to be overly sensitive.

Bromeo's ex - 36, hippy princess, believes in astrology, pot, and psychic readings. Very, very sensitive.

 

Opposites attracted like gang busters. Chemistry and connection were instant. She even laughed at my ghetto jokes. I was in love. Lol

 

We dated for 18 months. Neither of us were perfect, we loved each fiercely, she moved in, and things went downhill.

 

I must take a second here to explain that during our 18 months, when something would happen that she didn't like, she would utterly disappear.

 

First time was a month trip to Louisiana, after finding a card from an ex that I was no longer seeing upon meeting her. Chased her back. Things were great.

 

Second was about 6 months later, gone for several weeks. Chased her back. She knew I was waiting for her, and arranged for another man to drop her off in front of me. Again, great.

 

Three months ago she moved out. I asked her not to go, and I took ownership for my contributions to our demise.

 

Herein lies the issue. After she moved out, I went typically brutish. I was unused to this, and emailed, texted, called, begged, and gave gifts. I showed up at her work, and was acting unreasonable. My male brain just wanted clear communication or closure, which were not forthcoming, and very confusing for me.

 

She would accept my gifts, then back off. Text for awhile, then nothing. When we met up, we held hands, and she kissed my neck. I clearly communicated my desire to address her issues, and even presented evidence that I was addressing the things she disliked. Then nothing, then I love you texts, then nothing. Ignore my calls and emails, but then send pics of herself. Make plans, then stand me up. She has only ever said if she came back she was worried things wouldn't be different.

 

This led to extreme frustration, as she would not cut ties, but stonewalls any progress, but reached out sporadically.

 

Oh, and there was the post breakup sex, where she said she loved me, collected her diamond bracelet birthday gift, and then disappeared. I am not a causal sex guy, and that one was rough on me.

 

I have read extensively since then. I have been improving my communication skills, working on myself, volunteering, and journalling. After the last time she stood me up, I told her I couldn't chase any longer, that I needed some feedback, and that I can't continue to torture myself. Finally, if she wanted me, she needed to come get me. After that I initiated NC via email, and honestly I've felt better. I tried to not sound angry, communicate clearly, and leave lines open.

 

I do not wish for her to fade away, and I clearly acted like I lout, but you will not believe the contrasting advice I have received. It's been two months of chasing and 4 weeks NC. I love her, but I feel exhausted. I'm sure she does too.

 

I swear, I knew something was wrong when I was cooking her breakfast the first evening she slept over, and she cried for no reason. Should have cut bait at that point.

 

Three weeks of NC later, our pictures are still up on FB, but neither party has reached out.

 

Oh, and finally, some light FB research revealed this disappearing pattern as far back as 2004.

 

Corey Wayne is the man.

 

Again, Bromeo needs to vent. Thanks for listening.

[oldbutcurious]

She's as confused as you.

 

She is divided.

 

Maybe, 51% she does not want you back.

 

49% she wants you.

 

I am in a similar situation - but the female. Only, I do not want him back 99%. Maybe, just the sex because I do not do it with others, yet. But I do not even enjoy it anymore.

 

You still have a chance, though. Maybe, work out why - list down her reasons like a TO DO list, and figure out how to address them, and how to convince her it's worth having you back in her life.

[Superchicken]

Dude, what the hell..

 

 

You have a old run down car that keeps getting sent to the shop for repairs for weeks on end, and you keep buying parts for it to make it run while it can.

 

 

Get a NEW freaking car dude.

Step up to the new model, with less miles, and more reliability.

Dump her weird ass, and get some one stable.

 

 

Stop Venting, and start Hunting.

 

 

Again, What The Hell Dude.. You know what you need to do.

 

 

Ted.

[keiji]

Man, this is the epitome of "the dog in the manger". You love her, want to be with her, shower her with expensive presents (you shouldn't in view of her behaviour, imho) and try to get her back every time she leaves. Are you getting anything other than brief returns or some breadcrumbs here and there? No.

 

She sounds like a piece of work. Leaving every time a problem arises or the cosmos tells her to follow another direction is simply unacceptable and will definitely make you feel miserable. If I were you, I'd cut all forms of contact, mourn the loss and carry on. It's easier than done, I know, but she seems too volatile to have a healthy relationship at this point.

[spiderowl]

Thank you for your post Bromeo, quite frankly it was a brilliant analysis of what has been happening to you. I am sorry you have had/are having such a painful experience. She is a complex person and you have explained just how this has impacted you. I think you have done what you can and she is always going to be this way. This must be hard to accept if you love someone. That is the thing that we all have to come to terms with ultimately, that the person we love has major flaws or behaves in a way we can't tolerate without going crazy.

 

I think you did the right thing with no contact. This is a long pattern of non-communication. It could be she cannot express herself well but if she loved you she would not be disappearing for months on end. She is perhaps enjoying the fun and drama but not the commitment. I think you need more commitment and consistency from a woman. Something to bear in mind is that drama is often more exciting - at first - but someone constant and loving has a lot to offer.

[Bromeo]

Gents and ladies,

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

As an anectdote, from an early age my life was rules, discipline, career, fitness, drive, ambition, etc. As a result, I have an amazing career and education. Semi pro mma, triathelete, ivy, etc.

 

So meeting someone so completely opposite and so girly, caused me to fall hard.

Bonfires, parties, all the things I had never experienced growing up sucked me right in.

 

Further research reveals her disappearing to be a misconstrued flight response, however I understand that by chasing back each time I have unknowingly given tacit approval for the behavior to be repeated. And I am in no way absolving myself of my contributions.

 

Regarding addressing her concerns in order of importance, I most certainly did, and provided evidence of doing so.

 

Having no experience with breadcrumbs, I had no idea what was occurring. I most certainly do now. The three times we met up since the collapse were her collecting gifts. I look back and cringe, and then laugh at how I acted.

 

Hell, I even left a karaoke voicemail. Mariah Carey at that. Who wouldn't melt after that?! Lol

 

Since then, I have endeavored to educate myself completely on this topic. Yesterday I came close to reaching out, but restrained myself. She needs to come back herself.

 

I am a hell of a catch. Sensitive, fallable, but a dynamite catch.

 

This forum has been the best. Thanks everyone.

 

One question, more for the ladies. The chemistry and connection were undeniable, and the sex was meltingly hot. Does chemistry and connection fade with time?

 

I was raised that when you love someome, you don't give up, but if I was being played, let me know.

 

Thanks again.

[Superchicken]

Man, you were cool up till I read your Karaoke voicemail story.

Dude, I was going to salute you with a beer. But now, I will just wave a women's dress to you instead. Maybe you can see if it matches the one you will want to buy for yourself..

I'm going to be sick..

But good luck with your life.. Keep healthy and Wise.

 

 

Ted.

[spiderowl]

Yes chemistry and connection does fade with time as you realise what was happening. You look back and wonder how you ever found that person exciting or even how you ever had sex with them. It does happen!

[keiji]

Since then, I have endeavored to educate myself completely on this topic. Yesterday I came close to reaching out, but restrained myself. She needs to come back herself.

 

Are you really willing to take her back after her constant runaways and her accepting your presents with no qualms considering that she wasn't inclined to re-start a relationship? I think those acts speak for themselves.

[Bromeo]

Ted, make sure you wave a mini skirt, I'll come running. Lol

 

I do agree this lass is divided. Before I was killing myself, now I wish her well on her journey.

 

Would I have her back? I have thought about this, and decided if we were to reconcile, that the last disappearing act would be the final one. I remember telling her that if we were one day married, and she ran off, to keep running. Apparently she got the hint.

 

Regarding chemistry and connection, I think as I grow older, and acquire life experience, what I like becomes more narrow, and dislike becomes much broader. What is most important becomes the focus, and all else are non issues.

 

I've got some fun plans for myself. I signed up for a writers workshop, entry sommelier training, a half marathon, and have several trips over the holidays planned.

 

And, she lost my prized, 10-generation pedigreed German shepherd. Damn that was a good dog. Lol

[Bromeo]

As a final update to this saga, as a Hail Mary attempt, I traveled to meet up with her.

 

She seemed surprised. I told her I had taken the last couple weeks to cool down, educate myself, and learn. I expressed my desire to love and eventually marry her.

 

She cried a bit, told me I looked very handsome. She explained she had been seeing a man (in the past 3 weeks no less), and we agreed that he was not me.

 

We talked about us, with me confidently stating my changes, and desire to move forward. She said she was very confused.

 

She then went and I overheard her making fun of me to her friends.

 

I asked her to meet me later, she agreed.

 

She then stood me up, and said we both needed to move on.

 

I texted some love quotes, and let it ride.

 

It hurt like hell for a minute, but I have the closure I needed. No more waiting around, NC manipulation nonsense. Much cleaner than unfinished business.

 

Thanks everyone at Loveshack for supporting me when I needed it.

 

I'm actually happy she made fun of me, seeing and hearing that fueled moving on nicely.

 

Be safe everyone,

 

Dave

[Superchicken]

Don't worry mate..

When she gets dumped, and she will very soon, or when she gets cheated on by her current dead beat, I will guarantee, she will try and get you back with you.

Man, bad thing is, I'm sure you will go back.

So, start saying good bye to your "Two little boys" hanging in there for you.

But don't worry, she will put them in a nice place for you when she asks for them.

Don't let Superchicken down !.

 

 

Ted.

[Bromeo]

Thanks Ted. I have a range of female advisers that I conferred with. The overall analysis is:

 

1. She wasn't fully with the other guy during the time I was chasing her, causing her to vacillate between both men. Keep in mind I asked her multiple times if she was seeing anyone the whole time (opinions divided).

 

2. While I visited and also broke No Contact, I was the soul waiting for a breadcrumb, and decided to act affirmatively. Because she had been with new man for weeks, she felt much more confident being rude to me. However, I plainly stated my intentions, got stood up, and left with enough anger to carry me through (opinions divided).

 

I know full well Corey Wayne says over pursuit leads to rejection, but as I was facing a transfer at work back to my family in D.C., I needed some closure.

 

3. If she had been in love with me like I was with her, and I showed up after weeks of being gone wanting to rekindle and profess marriage, she would have melted. (Female Marine)

 

4. There is no excuse for being rude, especially when I was in there pouring my heart out. (unanimous)

 

5. She is emotionally immature, but still cares. Give her a short window to process it all, move on with your life, and during that window give the following response to any outreach:

 

"Unless you are contacting me to apologize, and meet up soon to discuss reconciling, we have nothing to speak about."

 

I'm spent. Opinions are appreciated, and thanks for the support.

[spiderowl]

I think you handled it great. You tried to see just how definite she was and you got your answer. I see nothing wrong in knowing for sure. Just sorry you got hurt over this one. I'm sure there are better women out there for you. You sound a fun guy who writes really well.

 

Totally agree with the proposed response to any attempt from her to reach out. It really does sound like she is immature and not particularly nice with it. There is innocence and there is just plain insensitivity. You are definitely better off being set free to find someone worth your efforts.

Edited November 22, 2016 by spiderowl

[ChatroomHero]

What I picked up from reading your posts is that you deserve better, but I don't think you believe it, hence the chasing. I think you need to realize despite any faults you may have owned up to in the relationship, the way she handled things and treated you and disappeared says a lot about her and you need to demand and expect better from a partner.

 

You might have chased because you felt she was the proverbial sh*t and everything you wanted, but the problem is you should have expected better to begin with. She is not the sh*t and you should be wiser in your search based on this experience.

 

In your last post you mentioned a possible response if she reached out to you again...the only response should be you know she is not enough for you and you are actively looking for a quality person you deserve. You are done chasing someone that does not deserve to be with you.

[Bromeo]

Thanks to everyone for their support. Looks like that BA in English lit is coming in quite handy these days.

 

I can safely say that after several, emphasis on several beers and good conversation with an older peer group, I am in a much different headspace.

 

I am quite sure Ms. mentally unstable and emotionally immature, or "crazy" for short, will miss me. The consensus among my advisers was that crazy had thought I moved on in three weeks, started seeing someone else, and was very shocked to see me. The professions of love and marriage made her cry and were uncomfortable, so she pushed me away.

 

And, while speculation, crazy knows this may be her last chance to make a life with me. So brooding may ensue. Lol

 

Corey Wayne said it, I hit the ball over, she has to hit it back. No more waiting around.

[Bromeo]

This woman, I swear. 2:48am central time I receive a YouTube video link to a country song entitled, "I can't unlove you".

 

I had made the decision to leave this situation behind. Funny how that works. Guess we aren't quite "moving on".

 

For those who know, I responded with black stone cherry's "stay". I recently attended a small venue performance of BSC and found them amazing.

 

However, no more reaching out. No more texts, calls, or showing up at work. Time for her to chase a bit if she wants me.

 

Dammit, now I have to tell an older guy friend at work that he wins the bet. After explaining this drama, he guaranteed she would make contact. I bet not.

 

I hate losing.

[Superchicken]

No dude. Superchicken said it too.

I said she will come back to you when she either gets dumped, cheated on..

 

 

But, I expected about a week..

Women these days.. Sheees, everything is rush rush !.

 

 

OK, so I want to know two things.

 

 

1) Are you really going to dump her sorry arse, AND keep it dumped.

 

 

2) If not, what's your dress size, as I want to send you one of my wife's sexy dresses, that way, you can get F**ked over properly while dressed for the occasion.

 

 

 

 

Superchicken needs a moment to wipe a tear from his eye......

Because, It appears that the forces of evil (Women) may have succeeded in keeping Bromeo's love in limbo. DAMN YOU EVIL WOMEN !, cluck cluck.

 

 

Ted.

[Bromeo]

Ted,

 

I have a feeling we would be great friends.

 

Last night, I hung with some friends, and the ridiculousness of this situation struck me.

 

WTF am I doing getting all bound up over this?

 

So, at 8am, I sent this:

 

"Your text at 3am woke me up. Now that I have had a chance to think, I have this to say.

 

Unless you plan to meet up, and talk about reconciling, do not text me again. You were rude to me, stood me up, told me to move on, and have another man.

 

I have been clear in my intentions to you, and I must have boundaries. Anything other than this is too hurtful."

 

And know what? I felt great.

 

At the very least, I stood up for myself. I am not a doormat, and will not compete for her.

 

Methinks there will be some further brooding on her part. Regardless, I am done accepting disrespect and game playing.

 

Thanks everyone for their support.

[theex]

Bromeo,

 

She sounds a little BPD to me. I say this after recently coming out of an emotionally intense relationship with a BPD-guy. The oscillating of feelings and being with another person intimately and denying it repeatedly...the coming back, then running away, coming back, running away...the free-spirit, dope-smoking lifestyle...it's all there. You're making the best decision for yourself by letting sleeping dogs lie. Yes, stand up for yourself with any remaining texts, but then be OK with what's happened and let it go. If you value yourself as much as your posts indicate, then you'll know better than to chase after a woman who's running in the opposite direction. You seem to have your act together and that's what a lot of women look for in a man. You don't want to be with a woman who cannot appreciate this about you. But maybe there's a part of you that likes the chase, who knows?

[Bromeo]

Theex,

 

Thanks for writing. I never considered the BPD angle before.

 

I despise this kind of chasing. And I really, really hate game playing.

 

A good friend just spent 45 minutes explaining why she would be rude, tell me to move on, and then send love songs the very next day. What he basically said is that the more centered, masculine, and confident I act, the clearer I will be, and the better that women in general, not only this one, will respond. That sentiment is congruent with Corey Wayne's methodology, only he presented it quite a bit coarser. Lol

 

I enjoy the chase in the beginning of a relationship. Not this.

 

Yesterday I felt as if a tremdendous weight lifted off of me. I had closure, and I was free of this nonsense. And then the 3am text comes.

 

I still feel good. I will not compete, I clearly stated my intentions, and established clear boundaries. If I never hear from her again, I'm perfectly fine with it.

 

He thinks I will though. And I'm prepared to deal with it then. Another man may be rubbing my rubarb at the moment (jack nicholson - MURICA!), but I'm rather centered and peaceful. Lol

 

Want to know what I miss? That feeling when she and I would sit on my deck smoking cigars and listening to music during the summer, and just talk. Those memories keep me vested. But after Monday I most certainly can mourn their loss and move on.

 

Thanks again for the mature, kind words. I would. Except for Ted, he's tough love. lol

[BikerAccnt]

T

 

So, at 8am, I sent this:

 

"Your text at 3am woke me up. Now that I have had a chance to think, I have this to say.

 

Unless you plan to meet up, and talk about reconciling, do not text me again. You were rude to me, stood me up, told me to move on, and have another man.

 

I have been clear in my intentions to you, and I must have boundaries. Anything other than this is too hurtful."

 

.

 

Honestly, after all of this, why would you want to reconcile even if she did. She has shown you that she cares not a wit how you feel, so....why?

 

My current GF is giving me grief, pulling the old silent treatment. We had a fight, I'd thought we'd worked thru it, but, she's still playing "games." She didn't want to talk about the issue any further the last we met, so I let it drop. I will not let her do this to me, if she doesn't come round in a week or so, I will end our relationship, after much less than you've put yourself thru. You should not have to chase someone after the initial dating period. That is childish gamesmanship and I'll have no part of it. Been there, done that.

 

I've been where you are, with a previous ex, though she was nowhere near as bad as yours sounds. It took 1.5 years before I found my respect again and left her. She is still friendly with me, (we are in the same MC club so we see each other occasionally) and I know she'd like to get back together. But, that's not going to happen. I am not stupid enough to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt again by the same person. I suggest, you don't open yourself up to it either.

[RecentChange]

Bromeo!! I want to shake you and try to get some sense in your head!

 

Disappearing for weeks at a time? That is CRUEL. She has been repeatedly cruel to you. I wouldn't do that to someone I was luke warm about, let alone pretending to love.

 

She is selfish, accepts your love, and then treads all over you. Do you like being a doormat Borneo? She doesn't respect you - why do you pledged your love to, and chase someone who doesn't respect you? And your behavior? All the chasing? Makes her respect you even less.

 

Sure, you say you are a catch, you say you BELIEVE you are a catch, but your actions say something very different, have some self respect already.

 

As for love and fire and passion fading - sure, maybe 10 years deep things will need rekindling - 18 months!? All of that should have been spent in glorious limerence.

 

This isn't about her being nutty - it's about you getting kicked like a dog repeatedly and coming back wagging your tail and asking for more.

 

Look, see, I am a cat / horse person. Why? I like how you REALLY have to earn their love. They don't just hand it out. You have to treat them fairly and consistently otherwise they will give you a huge F U!

 

Dogs on the other hand, they will stay loyal to their owner even if they are a scum bag. Even if they are unfair and hit them, the dog will wag it's tail and try to please the owner.

 

And with men, I have learned I quickly lose respect for men who act like dogs and come back for more after any ill treatment.

 

Quit acting like an abused puppy and demand respect.

 

Marrying this woman would be a HUGE mistake. A monumental one. One that would be a topic for decades to come.

 

Also, why the F' do you welcome so much unnecessary drama in your life? You must enjoy it to keep on chasing it.

 

Sorry for the tough live bromance, but what you have described is insanity - from both of you.

[Frozensushi]

This woman, I swear. 2:48am central time I receive a YouTube video link to a country song entitled, "I can't unlove you".

 

Dammit, now I have to tell an older guy friend at work that he wins the bet. After explaining this drama, he guaranteed she would make contact. I bet not.

 

I hate losing.

 

Weird, this exact same thing happened to me with my Ex after we broke up for the 3rd or 4th time. Had a bet with a friend too. lol

 

There's a lot of things in your relationship that paralleled my own. My Ex is a BPDer, though. Not saying yours is, just saying you could look into it. My relationship had the same effect on me yours had on you. Loss of self-respect, poor boundaries, doormat, walking on eggshells. It wasn't till I came here and found guidance, that I realized what was really going on.

 

BTW, the disappearing, NC weeks at the time? Yea, I went through that so much that I NEVER want to experience such awful treatment ever again.

 

Man, I'm sorry. That sucks!

[Bromeo]

Ladies and gents, I do completely realize the idiocy of this situation, I really do. I look back now and cringe at I chased and acted.

 

Apparently shes been confused for months. There is nothing else I could do. I walked away for weeks and she didn't call me. She assumed I moved on, and began to date some mope. Then at the bar she was rude, but thought I was handsome, told me to move on, and then sent me a love song.

 

My question remains, what the helly hell is up with that? Lol

 

You don't act like this if you love someone. Ironically, the doormat days are over for me at least. This was so far outside of my normal experiences that I needed a proper rogering to get a grip. And I most certainly have one.

 

I feel much more confident, properly educated, purged in the fire of female emotion, and am ready to move on.

 

Our personal donnybrook rollercoaster has finally stopped, at least for me.

 

No more calls, texts, showing up, stalker nonsense.

 

I tell myself that years from now she may regret letting me go, but honestly, people like that, victims, they never do. And I'm fine with that.

 

Everyone, I have appreciated the support from this forum like no other. Most people don't understand, don't have time, or think you weak for having feelings. This community at LS has been patient, compassionate, and kind.

 

Thanks to everyone, even Ted. Lol