Bromeo needs to vent.

[Sweetfish]

I finally grew some hair on my privates.

 

Summary - after a frustrating couple of days of 4am texts from her, and a Sunday of distant breadcrumb nonsense, all of the frustration of the last seven months came through in an angry rush. All of my friends got behind me in a line, said to say my piece to her and be done. So I did.

 

I made a highlight list of everything,

 

1. Her breaking into my home, twice, and bringing other people with her;

 

2. Collecting her diamond bracelet, having sex with me, telling I love yous, then disappearing for a week;

 

3. Never responding to anything in three months, and only meeting me to collect gifts, and ditching me repeatedly;

 

4. Making fun of me at the bar, when I was there telling her I wanted to marry and make babies with her;

 

5. The December 20 phone call, when I decided to finally move on with my life, and the emails from her a month later, starting this over.

 

And that's just the highlight reel.

 

So I left a voicemail and calmly let it all out. I ended with she didn't deserve someone as crazy in love as I was with her, for her not to contact me for any reason, and I hoped she gets herself together some day. Then I hung up, blocked her and was done. No more FB games, breadcrumbs, or bs.

 

The irony of the thread title just hit me. I guess in end I really did just need to vent. I just absolutely couldn't take it any longer. I couldn't walk away and wonder, I was sick of tiptoeing around her, and scraping for a 4am meme. So I proactively took closure. And hell with looking weak, I did it for me.

 

7 months of this, I couldn't believe it when I did the math.

 

Thanks everyone, clearly it took me a minute(s), but I got there.

 

Dave

 

So basically you avoided everyones advice and months later your at square one. Meaning now your following the advice.

 

Lesson learned... to be continued.

[Bromeo]

So basically you avoided everyones advice and months later your at square one. Meaning now your following the advice.

 

Lesson learned... to be continued.

 

I am more than able to admit when I am stubborn or wrong. In this case, I was, and it continued to drive me into a hole.

 

I also would not say square one, I've done a fair amount of work on myself in the last 6-7 months. I can understand why this is thought though.

 

Cigars on the back deck simply aren't worth all this.

 

I completely understand now that this is unhealthy as hell. I do like to journal here though, I think its a positive outlet.

 

Thanks everyone for their patience. What a ride.

 

Dave

[jamili]

I am more than able to admit when I am stubborn or wrong. In this case, I was, and it continued to drive me into a hole.

 

I also would not say square one, I've done a fair amount of work on myself in the last 6-7 months. I can understand why this is thought though.

 

Cigars on the back deck simply aren't worth all this.

 

I completely understand now that this is unhealthy as hell. I do like to journal here though, I think its a positive outlet.

 

Thanks everyone for their patience. What a ride.

 

Dave

 

Hey bud, I'm glad you finally cut the head off the snake on this one. Just keep hard, real NC this time. She knows she has power over you, so rob her of that power and ignore her forever. I will have a beer for you today

[Bromeo]

Friends,

 

It's been about a month since the breadcrumb incident in January. Since then there hasn't been a peep in either direction.

 

I wanted to take a minute to journal some thoughts out, and opinions are always welcome.

 

After I finally took some self respect back, and cut mine, several weeks of quiet reflection set in. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why this situation affected me so drastically, or why I couldn't let go.

 

I have chatted offline with several very supportive ls members, and read extensively, but couldn't quite find a situation that fit mine.

 

Jamili, spider, ted, and veve in particular, thank you for your patient support.

 

To wit, I was searching around, and landed on an older thread over at relationship talk, named "won't respond, but won't say it's over". I think there are rules against posting links, so I'll respect that.

 

This thread offered excerpts of several women delineating their experiences with exs keeping them in limbo, one of whom kept the push pull up for 8 months. In this thread, the dumpers wouldn't give closure, wouldn't respond to attempts at communication, even reasonable ones, and would hide behind emails and texts to keep barriers up, lest they fall back into a relationship they couldn't commit to. Additionally, one poster stated she allowed this to drive her into failing her medical boards. Intermittent conversation, false hopes, and much pain.

 

This hit home for me, as it was exactly as I experienced. I finally connected the dots.

 

Like them, I tried to bend and twist myself into a pretzel to make her happy.

 

Like them, I got left without a word, and she was cowardly enough to hope I'd "just go away", so she wouldn't have to confront her actions (explained above in detail) or feelings.

 

Like them, the more I was confused, tried harder, or even went NC, it wasn't right, and was I "pouncing", just trying to talk, yet not once was I told we were broken up, leave me alone, stop trying, etc. Boy, did I have some growing up to do after this.

 

And finally, like them I accepted the blame for all of our problems. This most of all took me a very long time to reject. When I finally pushed her away, now she can play the victim card.

 

As others have commented on my thread, my ex will never be happy or find a fully satisfying relationship, as either her emotional immaturity, or depression will keep any attempts at intimacy thwarted.

 

I have learned an immense amount about clear communication, respecting your partner and yourself, and being strong enough to walk away from a situation that is causing me pain. This last part took me mustering enough anger and self respect to learn one painful Sunday.

 

Like jamili and others, I wonder if cutting mine off was the right decision, and whether I will hear from her again. Then I remember the above, and get sour again.

 

I will not be a male orbiter, a fwb, or anything else.

 

Ironically, the simplest advice given around here is the best: if they want to walk away, let them go. Find your closure from within, or take it proactively.

 

Dust yourself off, grieve, and move on. Live happy and successful, remember the good times, and love fully.

 

Healing is indeed cyclical. I was fine for several weeks, and have been reflecting lately. I have begun dating, improving my life, and have been killing it at work lately.

 

Thanks again everyone, even those offering tough love. The transnational perspective is enlightening and comforting in its similarities.

 

Before, I felt like I was going crazy. I no longer do.

 

Dave

Edited February 20, 2017 by Bromeo
Typos

[LitTunnel]

Friends,

 

It's been about a month since the breadcrumb incident in January. Since then there hasn't been a peep in either direction.

 

I wanted to take a minute to journal some thoughts out, and opinions are always welcome.

 

After I finally took some self respect back, and cut mine, several weeks of quiet reflection set in. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why this situation affected me so drastically, or why I couldn't let go.

 

I have chatted offline with several very supportive ls members, and read extensively, but couldn't quite find a situation that fit mine.

 

Jamili, spider, ted, and veve in particular, thank you for your patient support.

 

To wit, I was searching around, and landed on an older thread over at relationship talk, named "won't respond, but won't say it's over". I think there are rules against posting links, so I'll respect that.

 

This thread offered excerpts of several women delineating their experiences with exs keeping them in limbo, one of whom kept the push pull up for 8 months. In this thread, the dumpers wouldn't give closure, wouldn't respond to attempts at communication, even reasonable ones, and would hide behind emails and texts to keep barriers up, lest they fall back into a relationship they couldn't commit to. Additionally, one poster stated she allowed this to drive her into failing her medical boards. Intermittent conversation, false hopes, and much pain.

 

This hit home for me, as it was exactly as I experienced. I finally connected the dots.

 

Like them, I tried to bend and twist myself into a pretzel to make her happy.

 

Like them, I got left without a word, and she was cowardly enough to hope I'd "just go away", so she wouldn't have to confront her actions (explained above in detail) or feelings.

 

Like them, the more I was confused, tried harder, or even went NC, it wasn't right, and was I "pouncing", just trying to talk, yet not once was I told we were broken up, leave me alone, stop trying, etc. Boy, did I have some growing up to do after this.

 

And finally, like them I accepted the blame for all of our problems. This most of all took me a very long time to reject. When I finally pushed her away, now she can play the victim card.

 

As others have commented on my thread, my ex will never be happy or find a fully satisfying relationship, as either her emotional immaturity, or depression will keep any attempts at intimacy thwarted.

 

I have learned an immense amount about clear communication, respecting your partner and yourself, and being strong enough to walk away from a situation that is causing me pain. This last part took me mustering enough anger and self respect to learn one painful Sunday.

 

Like jamili and others, I wonder if cutting mine off was the right decision, and whether I will hear from her again. Then I remember the above, and get sour again.

 

Ironically, the simplest advice given around here is the best: if they want to walk away, let them go. Find your closure from within, or take it proactively.

 

Dust yourself off, grieve, and move on. Live happy and successful, remember the good times, and love fully.

 

Healing is indeed cyclical. I was fine for several weeks, and have been reflecting lately. I have begun dating, improving my life, and have been killing it at work lately.

 

Thanks again everyone, even those offering tough love. The transnational perspective is enlightening and comforting in its similarities.

 

Before, I felt like I was going crazy. I no longer do.

 

Dave

 

It's been super tough for me too Bromeo. I've been struggling big time due to the fact that I have simply heard NOTHING from my ex in 6 months. Oddly enough her sister called me a week and a half ago for some reason or another. I didn't answer and let it go to vm. It was odd because she didn't leave me a vm or text after. 2 hours later I sent her a text saying "sorry couldn't answer, working. Call you back in a bit?" And no response.

 

My exes sister and I have no problems but the fact that she hasn't responded really confused me. It made me realise how much stored up emotions I have that I wanted to vent so desperately. It's like a big part of me wants to explain my side of the story so so badly. I just feel misunderstood and totally at fault when I wasn't. But I know doing so is going to accomplish nothing. I just felt like either way I wasn't going to gain anything. It's just a really terrible feeling.

 

And to make matters worse I had a dream about her last night. In the middle of the night I woke up feeling like utter krap. It was me looking at her from a very beautiful angle. She was somewhat distant. I knew she was not wanting anything to do with me. So I took out what appeared to be a cell phone to call her. But every time I tried to call her the difficulty to reach her increased and that's when I woke up. That dream was basically telling me I had lost her. Daaaam.

 

But Bromeo, seems you're going through an enlightenment stage and that's great. Keep us posted on what's going on man. Hope you recover sooner rather than later. What were going through truly is a battle man and it's really, really hard. I just hope something good truly comes out of this because we deserve it.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for updating Bromeo and you are welcome. Relationships are very complex. What draws us in and pushes us out can vary so much from person to person, but if they push the right buttons it is hard to resist.

 

Seeking closure is such a need and yet I doubt most people going through break-ups ever really get it. It makes sense then not to bother and to assume that there will always be a fog about what happened. It is easier to accept than expecting it to make sense.

 

If you think about it, feelings are so fluid (and there are two, sometimes more, people involved in every relationship with a myriad of possible backgrounds. It is amazing that relationships ever do work. I am sure most must face lots of challenges and only those with good conflict resolution skills overcome them. In an age where people can choose their partners and decide whether to stay with them, relationships that last are likely to be in the minority. It is a sad fact borne out by statistics unfortunately.

Edited February 20, 2017 by spiderowl

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

I've been following your thread as our break ups are somewhat similar. Thank you so much for posting the title of the other thread.... i went and searched for it and there was a comment that really drove home the point for me.

 

"He/she is not going to let you go because there is no reason to. He/she would rather keep you at a distance, like an old toy, and play with you on a whim"

 

These break ups can be very confusing and destroy us mentally and emotionally. Not knowing where you stand in someone's life is a slow emotional death. The longer you hold on, the more numb you become.

 

I'm so happy you've been able to find some closure and slowly move on! It's a great feeling!

 

Take care my friend!

[jamili]

Cutting her off was absolutely the best decision. No doubt she didn't expect that. I wouldn't doubt if she's still playing games till this day - with your block in place i.e. a 1-player game. I'm sure she'll figure it out eventually... that you weren't @#$%ing around. That you aren't a man to be @#$%ed with, placed into orbit, dangled on a string, manipulated, etc. and all the things some dumpers like to do. 100% guarantee, while she'd never admit it, deep down inside she has more respect for you for cutting her off and being a man. I'm glad you have more respect for yourself too, for being self aware and confident enough to walk the @#$% away and not look back.

[Been]

sometimes I think when people get into these up and down relationships I think it becomes a game. Like it takes up so much of your time that you become absorbed in the relationship and when it ends both people involved don't know what to do with themselves without the constant drama the constant chaotic state.

At least for me I think that was the case because thier were solo many red flags that it wasn't possible not to notice any of them but I was so immersed in the up and down of the relationship I just ignored the flags.

[Bromeo]

Thanks everyone. I just couldn't do the games anymore. No matter how much I missed her, missed cigars on the deck, and missed her snoring, the last 4-5 months of games killed me. I did feel destroyed, much more than any previous relationship.

 

Would someone please explain, even after cutting her off finally, and a solid month of nc, why I still feel like there is a haze hanging over me?

 

I am moving home to my family and little one in may. I figured a change of space would do me good, like in the movies.

 

I will be attending sommelier training in Athens, have been learning the art of writing novels from a workshop, and have slowly started to date. I'm not one to obsess over money, and I love accomplishments that have nothing to do with income.

 

My mate is so sure that I will receive a crying phone call, we have a 100 dollar wine bottle bet on it. I think shortly I will be beyond caring, though oddly I have found it comes in waves. I was fine till feb 14, etc.

 

Truly, to anyone lurking, listen to the good people here. I didn't, and it cost me an additional couple of painful months.

 

To all posting, thanks.

 

Dave

[Been]

The haze that you feel is I think kthat you were so used to the constant up and down the drama that when it was gone you didn't know what to do. Think how time consuming to was trying to figure her out. How much time you took to break down everything and try to figure out the why is she doing this to me. Then all the sudden its gone. Almost like everything was moving 100 mph and then it slowed down to 20 mph. Your adjusting to having no drama.

[jamili]

I would put my money on the bottle of wine. Someday it'll probably happen But by the time that happens, you wont even give a damn, and will be having cigars on the deck with someone else - that's my bet

[Bromeo]

The haze that you feel is I think kthat you were so used to the constant up and down the drama that when it was gone you didn't know what to do. Think how time consuming to was trying to figure her out. How much time you took to break down everything and try to figure out the why is she doing this to me. Then all the sudden its gone. Almost like everything was moving 100 mph and then it slowed down to 20 mph. Your adjusting to having no drama.

 

This is it. For the last couple months, I have been consumed by this nonsense. Waiting for the bs text, meme, quote, or to be ditched again.

 

I boarded the plane Saturday and watched arrival. First movie I could sit through in a long time.

 

I guess after everything I'd been through, accomplished, and knuckled through in my life, I thought I was immune to this. Boy was I wrong. Getting stabbed was easier. Lol

 

It's all about controlling your thinking. I remember letting my emotions control me, and I have never in my life acted like that. Now when I feel those thoughts coming on, I actively push them out.

 

And jam, my roommate concurs with you. She stated that no other man will chase or love her like I did, and eventually it will hit like a train, after the bar life gets old, she gets treated like hell, and starts reading my emails, sees my gifts, etc.

 

Jesus, what a learning experience.

[Sweetfish]

This is it. For the last couple months, I have been consumed by this nonsense. Waiting for the bs text, meme, quote, or to be ditched again.

 

I boarded the plane Saturday and watched arrival. First movie I could sit through in a long time.

 

I guess after everything I'd been through, accomplished, and knuckled through in my life, I thought I was immune to this. Boy was I wrong. Getting stabbed was easier. Lol

 

It's all about controlling your thinking. I remember letting my emotions control me, and I have never in my life acted like that. Now when I feel those thoughts coming on, I actively push them out.

 

And jam, my roommate concurs with you. She stated that no other man will chase or love her like I did, and eventually it will hit like a train, after the bar life gets old, she gets treated like hell, and starts reading my emails, sees my gifts, etc.

 

Jesus, what a learning experience.

 

Walking away is the only step you can take. So many people want to go back to the wreckage or try to put out the fire. Its better to step away and look at the crime scene without the emotions and pain. You can see the chain of events that lead to the down fall and sometimes you don't. But it takes weeks or months for the rose covered glasses to come off.

 

People soooo many times blame themselves or promise to change... others do walk away waiting for breadcrumbs hoping to reverse the situation. Bottom line is if you don't value your self to walk away with confidence... your relationship with the same person or next person WILL FAIL... ppl jump straight into a new relationship without seeing their own faults.

 

Will your ex see her's? Most likely not...and if she does it will be a long timr from now.

 

And I had this argument with another member... the pain is what makes you learn and grow...the happiness stumps your growth and ability to grow. If you stayed in that relationship with a grin on your face you wouldn't have learned what you know now...

 

Better to learn...before having kids or marrying.

 

Now you know your not immune. Now you know your limits and mistakes. Call it a blessing in disguise.

 

In regards to the relationship hitting her like a train in the future. Thats her problem. She might not even know when the train hits her. Could be 5 or 10 years from now or months... Don't worry about it

 

All that matters is you now.

Edited February 21, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Bromeo]

Thanks everyone. I'll close this months round of updates by saying that while I cannot predict the future, I'll have to be lost, sick, or dead to chase another woman. That lesson has been tattooed on my insides.

 

I think the hardest part is realizing that all the "I love you's", "I'll never leave", "only thing I've ever wanted", "soulmates", etc, are all bs. It's sobering to learn how replaceable I was, that I wasn't special, and best of all, love doesn't conquer all. As soon as I went nc, I was replaced. And if I'm being honest with myself, most likely before that.

 

It's taken awhile to get to the sour part of this journey. She let go a long time ago and moved on. I'm just a bit more tenacious, and it's a rather droll process.

 

Dave

[keiji]

Thanks everyone. I'll close this months round of updates by saying that while I cannot predict the future, I'll have to be lost, sick, or dead to chase another woman. That lesson has been tattooed on my insides.

 

You're more likely to never chase a woman like her, which makes a lot of sense since she's treated you badly. Lesson learnt.

 

The good thing about relationships gone sour is all the experience that they stack in your rucksack. Last summer I met a great girl, really beautiful and kind. At first I thought she was "the one" (again), but little by little I started seeing certain traits that reminded me of a past relationship. I broke up with her three months later to the surprise of those around me. They also thought she was the one. And guess what: I was right all along. She proved me right on every single suspicion. However, it's difficult to tell between gut feeling and pure paranoia.

 

We're both older than the average members here, but there's someone special out there for us. I don't know if you've read a thread I started last week (Feeling bad about feeling good), but if you go through my story you'll probably think there's no reason for me to be hopeful, but I am.

 

Hang in there, you're doing the right thing by kicking her out of your life.

[Bromeo]

P.s.s,

 

Keiji,

 

Thanks. Right now I'm feeling like an idiot for all the things I did during those months. Straight ignored everything. I'm sure I looked like a damn stalker showing up at her work. Even though my friends "swear I don't", "it was sweet", "she hadn't been clear about anything", "anyone else would have appreciated it", etc. I still feel like an dummy. Not a single conversation, and when I finally would walk away every time, she wouldn't want me back, but tried to keep me on the hook. That is what everyone online and off agreed on.

 

This whole thing has been insane. No wonder I've been a damn fruit cake.

[Bromeo]

Friends,

 

I need to journal a bit, so please be patient. It helps organize my thoughts and reduce confusion.

 

When I made my fateful voicemail, I finally felt validated, like I had my say after months of bottling it up. I felt great for awhile, and rode the tide of anger. She's been blocked on FB since that time.

 

But I swear, the last week or so, I have had this intense need to contact her. It's hit me in waves, and I'll work hard to bring myself out of it. I haven't however, and have maintained discipline.

 

I've travelled a ton recently for work. And each time on the plane, due to the forced down time, I'll have this internal conflict about whether I was too hard on her with my voicemail, should I reach out, was she trying to come back, etc.

 

Then I'll remember that nothing, and I mean nothing made a dent in her, so it wouldn't matter anyway.

 

I completely understand that things were toxic and unhealty. I can't explain it, it's been months since I've seen her, and two months since we've talked, and I've been getting these stabs of emotion. I remember clearly the bs of the last few months, so I really can't explain it.

 

Of course life online is perfect. Trips, parties, etc.

 

Lately I've been extremely envious of those relationships, that even broken up, can communicate clearly, for better or ill. One of my best friends just got closure from a similar situation - 10 years later. The same friend who swears I'll get a crying phone call. He did state that in reality, the real breakup only recently started, and it hasn't been 7 months of nc, but 3-4 weeks.

 

My roommate finally had a closure chat with her ex boyfriend after two months of crying on my shoulder. You get the picture.

 

And here's Dave, broken up 7 months, no contact (mostly) for two, and still ate up with stupid, waves of anger, and feeling hazy. I feel like an idiot that I chased so hard, went to her work, and acted psycho. All that effort purchased was additional pain.

 

She must have seen she was blocked, and she deleted our tagged pics. Not the events, just us together. Nice. She also took down the ad where she lost my Shepard, from feb 2016. That must have took some work to find on her wall.

 

By contrast, I've had win after win at work. I've been channeling there, and it's been awesome.

 

I've dated, taken up new hobbies, and been running so much I've lost a ton of weight.

 

I'm transferring back home to D.C. in a couple months. Then it will be too busy to worry about these things. And then perhaps I can find some peace. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Someone tell me I'm not crazy. And thanks for listening. I try very hard to give balanced advice around here to the lost souls like myself.

 

Dave

Edited February 27, 2017 by Bromeo

[LitTunnel]

Hi Bromeo. If it's any consolation I'm struggling with the same pangs, stabs, anxieties and depression, even longer than you. You're not alone in this. It's just an awful, awful feeling. I've literally become a shell of myself. I have absolutely no clue as to the wherabouts of my ex and its been 6 months nc. I would wish nothing more than to just talk to her. Only thing I have to communicate with her is her fb which she had unblocked me in December. I'm dying just to send her a message, but I know it would be disastrous. I just can't believe, even to this moment, that she's gone. I've not moved on and I've not accepted her gone. It's unbelievably scary. I literally woke up today feeling like absolute garbage. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that I csnt wake up from and I'm starting to like seriously freak out. I've never been this hung up on a woman ever in my 42 years of life. I dunno what i did in this lifetime for Karna to hit me this hard. I dunno what else to do. So bro, we are both in the same boat man, maybe me moreso. You st least have more going than mr. I have a miserable job that I'm stuck in for the time being. At least you can afford to travel, vacay, go out and spend money. I can't at the moment (whole other topic). So just know you're not in as bad of shape as you think.

[jenny987]

I think the urge to contact comes from 2 things:

 

1) You sound like a person of action- who meets challenges head on. I am too, and the hardest thing ever it to realize that there is no action to take. It's maddening to realize that nothing you can say or do is going to make anything better, make more sense of a mess, make your ex realize this or that. My ex avoided conflict at all cost, so while he's (I'm guessing) happy as a clam, avoiding any thoughts of me and our previous relationship, I think about things, and try to make sense of them, and want to DO something. But there's nothing to be done, and it sucks.

 

2) Once there is true no contact, it finally feels like the end. When you are texting or writing emails or calling or buying gifts- you are still engaged in the relationship. You're still fighting for it, doing things, waiting for responses, waiting to see what their next move, and plotting your response. When it's mutual silence-well, it's over.

 

Stay strong in your resolve- your friend is right- it is like this just ended for you, because you only recently stopped engaging with your ex. It's like you're starting from scratch. I think this feeling will come in waves- it does for me. Hang in there!

[jamili]

You're just going through a wave man. You will probably get a lot of them. Dont feel bad for sending that voicemail and blocking her. You said what you had to say and then you walked away. You called her out on her games, which is definitely what she was doing - playing. Realize that she listened to your voicemail, and it probably didnt do anything to her except make it crystal clear that you are done playing her games. You gotta understand, its going to take a LOT of time for a reconciliation with a person like this. Many more months, perhaps many more years. People who plays these games have a lot of growing up to do still, a lot of learning and a lot of other failed relationships to happen to them.

 

You know when she'll most likely start actually missing you? After about 5 or so relationships later. You sound like a good guy. Let her experience a wave of garbage ones (statistically guaranteed). I dont think dumpers ever really understand what they had until they lost it, and have some others to compare it to.

Edited February 28, 2017 by jamili

[la74219]

So glad I came across this thread today. I'm in a situation somewhat similar to this, and just reading these posts really help..so thanks to everyone who has contributed!

[Bromeo]

I think the urge to contact comes from 2 things:

 

1) You sound like a person of action- who meets challenges head on. I am too, and the hardest thing ever it to realize that there is no action to take. It's maddening to realize that nothing you can say or do is going to make anything better, make more sense of a mess, make your ex realize this or that. My ex avoided conflict at all cost, so while he's (I'm guessing) happy as a clam, avoiding any thoughts of me and our previous relationship, I think about things, and try to make sense of them, and want to DO something. But there's nothing to be done, and it sucks.

 

2) Once there is true no contact, it finally feels like the end. When you are texting or writing emails or calling or buying gifts- you are still engaged in the relationship. You're still fighting for it, doing things, waiting for responses, waiting to see what their next move, and plotting your response. When it's mutual silence-well, it's over.

 

Stay strong in your resolve- your friend is right- it is like this just ended for you, because you only recently stopped engaging with your ex. It's like you're starting from scratch. I think this feeling will come in waves- it does for me. Hang in there!

 

This is exactly it. I have such a difficult time believing in the power of inaction. It just contrasts everything about me. However, I also know that this thinking, along with impatience, is immature. I know all things change.

 

What I need to grasp, and it is hard as hell somedays, is that despite my flaws, at least to me, I treated her well, we had great chemistry, and dynamite sex. She simply chose to walk away.

 

I'll be ok. The journaling helps.

[PLT]

Friends,

 

I need to journal a bit, so please be patient. It helps organize my thoughts and reduce confusion.

 

When I made my fateful voicemail, I finally felt validated, like I had my say after months of bottling it up. I felt great for awhile, and rode the tide of anger. She's been blocked on FB since that time.

 

But I swear, the last week or so, I have had this intense need to contact her. It's hit me in waves, and I'll work hard to bring myself out of it. I haven't however, and have maintained discipline.

 

I've travelled a ton recently for work. And each time on the plane, due to the forced down time, I'll have this internal conflict about whether I was too hard on her with my voicemail, should I reach out, was she trying to come back, etc.

 

Then I'll remember that nothing, and I mean nothing made a dent in her, so it wouldn't matter anyway.

 

I completely understand that things were toxic and unhealty. I can't explain it, it's been months since I've seen her, and two months since we've talked, and I've been getting these stabs of emotion. I remember clearly the bs of the last few months, so I really can't explain it.

 

Of course life online is perfect. Trips, parties, etc.

 

Lately I've been extremely envious of those relationships, that even broken up, can communicate clearly, for better or ill. One of my best friends just got closure from a similar situation - 10 years later. The same friend who swears I'll get a crying phone call. He did state that in reality, the real breakup only recently started, and it hasn't been 7 months of nc, but 3-4 weeks.

 

My roommate finally had a closure chat with her ex boyfriend after two months of crying on my shoulder. You get the picture.

 

And here's Dave, broken up 7 months, no contact (mostly) for two, and still ate up with stupid, waves of anger, and feeling hazy. I feel like an idiot that I chased so hard, went to her work, and acted psycho. All that effort purchased was additional pain.

 

She must have seen she was blocked, and she deleted our tagged pics. Not the events, just us together. Nice. She also took down the ad where she lost my Shepard, from feb 2016. That must have took some work to find on her wall.

 

By contrast, I've had win after win at work. I've been channeling there, and it's been awesome.

 

I've dated, taken up new hobbies, and been running so much I've lost a ton of weight.

 

I'm transferring back home to D.C. in a couple months. Then it will be too busy to worry about these things. And then perhaps I can find some peace. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Someone tell me I'm not crazy. And thanks for listening. I try very hard to give balanced advice around here to the lost souls like myself.

 

Dave

 

You're not crazy. We are in similar time frames, both with our final break ups, and at where we are with it. I could have written much of the first half myself. I like to think it just affirms that we are capable of real, deep love. That we are not like those that see people as toys to pick up and put down as they please. That we are flawed, but decent, kind, compassionate human beings and that should be something to be proud of!

 

Keep going man. I'm right there "shoulder to shoulder" with you!

[Lifeissomething]

Bromeo,

 

I enjoy your posts and this thread--you seem like a pretty cool guy. Sorry this has been a ride, but that's breakups.

 

Don't be hard on yourself about still grieving. I mean it sucks, but it's a reflection of what that relationship and the moments meant to you and your life.

 

My ex dumped in in July 2015 and I'm still shaken by it sometimes. I've dated a lot, had sex, more dates, more sex, and even still I go down that dark path to remembering her. We worked together so the many months in the same office post breakup probably didn't help....

 

My other 2 most recent breakups did NOT have this effect on me. The 1st I was bummed for a few months and now we're friends. The one before that, it was mutual, I don't even think I was sad about the breakup. It's going on 2 years and I'm still more sad at times now about the most recent ex, than I ever was in the past 2 break ups. Such is life, it's obvious the most recent ex made a profound impact on me.

 

But this is life. I can remember colleagues, mentors, and professors that all left profound impacts on me and I can still easily recall memories and moments with these people. Ex's are like these people and the some, you care for them deeply and they influence your life--we tend to hold a spot in our heads and memories for these type of people, even after they have left.

You will probably still have memories and sad thoughts in the months to come--that's okay, you're human like everyone else.

 

And, if it's any reprieve--I still have urges to contact her from time to time, but I won't.