Bromeo needs to vent.

[Bromeo]

Thank you for your insights keiji. Bromeo, I hope you don't think I'm trying to hijack your thread haha. The situations are just so similar, and comparing them helps confirm that I'm not just losing my mind.

 

Keiji, toxic is a great word for it. I mean it's like I don't know what to think of it. As soon as I found out she was happy with someone else (who she claims is only a friend, but apparently he's such a great guy), I backed off. Didn't chase or anything. And like Bromeo says...they don't seem to like the backing off part either! They want us to be around, but I don't understand why. She screamed at me, and told me to accept that she's happy and to move on. So I listened..something she claims I never do. When I listened, she then decides she's confused and doesn't know where her heart is. So similar to the push/pull dilemma you guys describe in your situations.

 

Not at all, and please continue to elaborate. The shared experiences let us all know we aren't crazy. If anyone else going through something similar, feel free to open up on this thread as well.

 

I can assure you that I felt the exact same way. At the point when I was receiving clear communication from other women, I thought they, and the world were crazy, and what I was getting was the norm. Nothing could be further from the truth, and this certainly has taught me the value.

 

I literally just had a conversation with a very smart, very attractive woman (hi dana) about her issues dating, and mine with Booger-Face. She agreed with everything previously stated in the 100+ posts, and added that Booger Face feels confused as hell, wants me back, and can't figure out how to say it.

 

I'll deal with that if it happens.

 

What defeats confusion on either side is clear communication.

 

Ladies and gents, thank you for listening. I'm thinking of composing a novelization of this, a breakup murder mystery, written from a male pov. This thread allows me to journal out my thoughts as I have them, and I very much appreciate everyones patience and thoughts.

 

Dave

[safeinside]

Not at all, and please continue to elaborate. The shared experiences let us all know we aren't crazy. If anyone else going through something similar, feel free to open up on this thread as well.

 

I can assure you that I felt the exact same way. At the point when I was receiving clear communication from other women, I thought they, and the world were crazy, and what I was getting was the norm. Nothing could be further from the truth, and this certainly has taught me the value.

 

I literally just had a conversation with a very smart, very attractive woman (hi dana) about her issues dating, and mine with Booger-Face. She agreed with everything previously stated in the 100+ posts, and added that Booger Face feels confused as hell, wants me back, and can't figure out how to say it.

 

I'll deal with that if it happens.

 

What defeats confusion on either side is clear communication.

 

Ladies and gents, thank you for listening. I'm thinking of composing a novelization of this, a breakup murder mystery, written from a male pov. This thread allows me to journal out my thoughts as I have them, and I very much appreciate everyones patience and thoughts.

 

Dave

 

From the outside lookin in on ur threads man, its time to stop asking everyone about this. Stop talking about it, even if she brings up her relationship, you don't need another opinion on this. Sounds like you're probably still looking for the answer that you want. You won't get the unfortunately.

Im saying this as i see in your other thread about you talking to your group at work about it. Talking about it is great, but you need to cut it off now and start thinking about new things.

I know its tough believe me. But u dont want to drive everyone around you crazy!

[Bromeo]

From the outside lookin in on ur threads man, its time to stop asking everyone about this. Stop talking about it, even if she brings up her relationship, you don't need another opinion on this. Sounds like you're probably still looking for the answer that you want. You won't get the unfortunately.

Im saying this as i see in your other thread about you talking to your group at work about it. Talking about it is great, but you need to cut it off now and start thinking about new things.

I know its tough believe me. But u dont want to drive everyone around you crazy!

 

Believe me, I am trying. And I've been doing much better. Thanks for the thoughts.

[hunk]

Jesus, man. I've read this entire thing. I'm going to give you some heartfelt, brutally honest advice that I really want you to think about and try to digest because this is what you need to hear. This is the truth. It sucks, but it's still the truth and the truth more often than not, sucks.

 

This woman is 36 years old and she is partying, sleeping with a smorgasbord of men and ruining her mind and body with drugs. This is the person she is. She isn't in need of "fixing" or on the search for "love". She is damaged beyond repair. She has been doing this for many, many years. This is what she's into. The whole "hippy" thing is a huge, huge redflag. She is used up, depressed, lost and has squandered her life away. She is not fit for any sort of relationship and she'll remain this way for the rest of her life, drifting from man to man and extracting resources from him while getting her thrills from jackasses who turn her on.

 

She doesn't want a nice man like you and she never did. Maybe she thought she did, but she doesn't. You initially attracted her, whether that was with your money or charisma or whatever, and then when your true self was revealed to her she was fundamentally disgusted. She is accustomed to abusive, unavailable, drug addict men who dominate her and own her, who treat her like garbage and that's what she wants. She might not consciously know this, and she might think she wants a nice man, but she doesn't. That's what she is looking for. I know so many of these women, I can almost picture what your ex looked like and behaved like down to her exact mannerisms. When you did all of these grand romantic gestures, she was repulsed. I know this is horribly bitter to swallow but this is what happened.

 

She was looking for a man to put her in her place and control her. That wasn't you, and it isn't most of us. But many women, especially women as damaged as her, are looking for this. They crave it.

 

She is a waste. I'm sorry, but that's it. She exploited your kind nature and led you on, this entire time. She was sleeping with other men during your relationship or at the very least wanting to and I can guarantee you this.

 

You were too nice, too available, too passive, too generous, and worst of all you were too available. Every single time you made contact, she was turned off. Every gift you sent, every text, everything you did turned her off and did the exact opposite of what you hoped it would. If you just went unrelenting NC from the moment she started acting up, things would be different but that doesn't matter.

 

She knew how you felt about her this entire time. She wasn't confused about anything, she wasn't unsure about anything and at no point during the time you were in frequent contact did she want you back. She was bored, and she was on the lookout for excitement, stimulation and men who would make her tingle by providing her with drugs and thrills. She led you on because she enjoyed your suffering and having someone chase after her. If you had vanished, she would've come looking. If she had wanted you at any point, she would've made it abundantly clear, but instead you over analyzed and sunk hours of your precious time into tricking yourself to thinking there was some sort of deep, mystical dynamic between you two manifesting and occurring. There wasn't, she just didn't care.

 

What you should've done -

 

Instant no contact. Unrelenting no contact. If she contacts you, you ignore her. She would then have come begging to you and you could've negotiated any sort of relationship on your terms (although I would advise against that and would've dropped her instantly the moment I found these red-flags such as partying, drug use, being 36 and a "free spirit" etc.)

 

PM me if you'd like to talk about this and I'd love to get you back on a path you should be on. You are going to be destroyed by women over and over again if you keep this sort of behavior up. This relationship is over, but you can come back from this and use this as the greatest opportunity you'll ever have to re-evaluate your life, women and relationships.

 

You can't negotiate relationships or desire, or someone coming back to you. As soon as you start trying to do that, it's over. The spark that brought you together has been replaced with a suffocating dependency and neediness that is the antithesis to the natural connection and nurturing of that natural connection that should have defined your relationship. Instead her image of you is now one of sheer desperation and dependency.

 

She knows she is damaged, she knows she's broken. She knows she isn't worth the love of a good man, so when a good man gives it to her she is confused and thinks there's something wrong with him, that he's weak or pathetic. She doesn't respect him, because she herself doesn't think she's worth respecting. And she isn't, to be frank. She is ****. She will gravitate to men who treat her the way she believes she's supposed to be treated because that turns her on, and that's all she cares about.

 

When and if she ever comes back to you, it will be after she's had 500 strange men inside her and she's been kicked to the curb by every single one. She'll remember your money and your willingness to do anything for her. Is that what you want?

 

I'm sorry to come off this harsh but this is the truth. No one is going to tell you this because it's harsh and non PC. You have to hear this though, because you will never learn if you can't understand what happened in this relationship.

 

Again, I'm more than happy to PM with you and discuss this further, you seem like an awesome guy.

Edited March 13, 2017 by hunk

[Bromeo]

Hunk,

 

I take no offense, and thank you for your thoughts. Much of what you say rings true. I often think if I had gone cold NC from the start the outcome would have been different. No bitter pills, and I think the other members here feel the same and were trying to be kind.

 

With almost two months real NC, I am moving to a much clearer headspace. My coming to LS originally stemmed from the sheer insanity of this situation - I had never experienced anything like it. Or plan to ever again.

 

I have learned an immense amount about communication, no contact, and what I will and will not accept in a relationship.

 

The woman I am seeing now is the opposite of my ex. Well educated, professional, calm, and beautiful to boot. She's been through the ringer with men. We often discuss relationships, and how we've grown from them.

 

I find it interesting that that I cannot remember begin that needy in a relationship prior. I guess my ex and her bs had that effect on me.

 

And concerning my ex, we all have to live with our choices. I am not perfect by any stretch. However, I am a good person, reasonably successful, and deserving of better.

 

I am also a survivor. I refuse to be defined by this, and like you said, have completed enough introspection to truly grow.

 

Be safe, and thank you for your thoughts.

[hunk]

That's all that matters. If you take anything from this it must be self-reflection, self analysis and introspection that leads to real growth as a person.

 

You'll be fine. Next time, take your time with relationships and properly vet the women in your life so you can be certain about who will make the best partner and who would be better suited to a friend or casual fling.

 

All the best, my dude. Get your mojo back and go get some girls.

[Bromeo]

It's sunny a just a bit too cool in Chicago this evening, friends. Thank you for being patient and listening to my journal.

 

It's been an odd couple of weeks. Finally on Thursday I felt clear enough to concentrate and read a book, for months I couldn't due to the fog.

 

Friday I felt absolutely amazing. I listened to the guardians of the galaxy, awesome mix 2 (ALL MY MARVEL FANS IN THE BACK HOLLA!!), and heard dan Hartmans "I can dream about you". For some reason, I felt amazing the rest of the day. Almost manic, if you will.

 

The duchess wanted to visit an Irish bar for st pattys day, and selected one in booger faces city. I, being an ingrate, based on the name alone didn't realize I had patronized this establishment previously with said booger face two years prior.

 

Once inside, anxiety struck, as BFs coworkers, her mangy exbf, and her friends were all there. Satan herself did not arrive, much to my relief. We had a nice time, and left, and patronized a dive bar that had an amazing cover band for the remainder of the evening. We laughed and danced and overall had a ton of fun.

 

Saturday I felt a stab of guilt, like I was purposefully and spitefully showing off a new girl, but I can assure the community, that at the time I wasn't thinking along those lines. Then I remembered that although stalkerish, I had professed my love and desire to marry, and received ridicule in return. One of her coworkers looked quite vexed at me, but really, it's been like 9 months post BU, so screw them. ??

 

It's an amazing comparison. My exw was the angry, punishing type. I still get angry texts from her. She once sent me an email detailing 12 years of my mistakes neatly organized by date. Off the top of her head, of course.

 

The internet famous BoogerFace ignored everything for months, and played the push/pull game until I thought I was going insane (sidenote, enotalone has an amazing older thread entitled "understanding push pull theory" which includes book recommendations, and learned, applicable advice.)

 

The aforementioned duchess? "Dave, we can work through anything as long as we communicate about it." For me, that is insane, as no woman I've known has been as forgiving of my flaws, and cares in spite of my mistakes. I'm accustomed to being abandoned, lashed out at, and having to chase to prove my love. I truly wish I was over BF, so I could give her the affection she deserves.

 

Community, I understand that not being over BF is disrespectful to the duchess. In my defense, I have explained the saga of BF to her, she understands and commiserates, and wants to keep seeing me. So there.

 

Six weeks from now I'm moving back to my hometown (HAIL TO THE REDSKINS! - good lord, they are quite terrible) and I can start a new life and put the saga of Booger Face (breath) behind me permanently. The duchess has stated she would move with me, but I am indecisive.

 

Lately I've been asking my brain to vice grip my emotions and quicken the trip to indifference, but the heart isn't listening at the moment. I've been asking the universe not for reconciliation, but with assistance in letting go and feeling better.

 

Once back inside the beltway, there is an expert counselor who specializes in ptsd and relationships, and has shepherded me through several critical incidents. I plan to give her a ring about the Greek tradgey of BF. I imagine she will concur with everyone on and offline.

 

I feel like I'm steadily improving, and the down times are getting less.

 

Friends, thank you for your patience and words of support.

 

Dave

[Sweetfish]

It's sunny a just a bit too cool in Chicago this evening, friends. Thank you for being patient and listening to my journal.

 

It's been an odd couple of weeks. Finally on Thursday I felt clear enough to concentrate and read a book, for months I couldn't due to the fog.

 

Friday I felt absolutely amazing. I listened to the guardians of the galaxy, awesome mix 2 (ALL MY MARVEL FANS IN THE BACK HOLLA!!), and heard dan Hartmans "I can dream about you". For some reason, I felt amazing the rest of the day. Almost manic, if you will.

 

The duchess wanted to visit an Irish bar for st pattys day, and selected one in booger faces city. I, being an ingrate, based on the name alone didn't realize I had patronized this establishment previously with said booger face two years prior.

 

Once inside, anxiety struck, as BFs coworkers, her mangy exbf, and her friends were all there. Satan herself did not arrive, much to my relief. We had a nice time, and left, and patronized a dive bar that had an amazing cover band for the remainder of the evening. We laughed and danced and overall had a ton of fun.

 

Saturday I felt a stab of guilt, like I was purposefully and spitefully showing off a new girl, but I can assure the community, that at the time I wasn't thinking along those lines. Then I remembered that although stalkerish, I had professed my love and desire to marry, and received ridicule in return. One of her coworkers looked quite vexed at me, but really, it's been like 9 months post BU, so screw them.

 

It's an amazing comparison. My exw was the angry, punishing type. I still get angry texts from her. She once sent me an email detailing 12 years of my mistakes neatly organized by date. Off the top of her head, of course.

 

The internet famous BoogerFace ignored everything for months, and played the push/pull game until I thought I was going insane (sidenote, enotalone has an amazing older thread entitled "understanding push pull theory" which includes book recommendations, and learned, applicable advice.)

 

The aforementioned duchess? "Dave, we can work through anything as long as we communicate about it." For me, that is insane, as no woman I've known has been as forgiving of my flaws, and cares in spite of my mistakes. I'm accustomed to being abandoned, lashed out at, and having to chase to prove my love. I truly wish I was over BF, so I could give her the affection she deserves.

 

Community, I understand that not being over BF is disrespectful to the duchess. In my defense, I have explained the saga of BF to her, she understands and commiserates, and wants to keep seeing me. So there.

 

Six weeks from now I'm moving back to my hometown (HAIL TO THE REDSKINS! - good lord, they are quite terrible) and I can start a new life and put the saga of Booger Face (breath) behind me permanently. The duchess has stated she would move with me, but I am indecisive.

 

Lately I've been asking my brain to vice grip my emotions and quicken the trip to indifference, but the heart isn't listening at the moment. I've been asking the universe not for reconciliation, but with assistance in letting go and feeling better.

 

Once back inside the beltway, there is an expert counselor who specializes in ptsd and relationships, and has shepherded me through several critical incidents. I plan to give her a ring about the Greek tradgey of BF. I imagine she will concur with everyone on and offline.

 

I feel like I'm steadily improving, and the down times are getting less.

 

Friends, thank you for your patience and words of support.

 

Dave

 

Such a great post Dave... im glad your progressing and can't wait for Galaxy 2?

 

I like your post and would like to see more here. Please keep us up to date

[hunk]

Good to hear you're doing well, Bromeo. Bro.

 

If I have any advice at this point it's this.

 

It comes to a point where we have to make the conscious decision to move on, despite knowing full well our heart might not follow suit. We have to logically and objectively come to an understanding as to why our heart as a biological construct is feeling this way, fully internalize that and be comfortable ignoring it, pushing past it and moving on. That is a hard reality of our existence. We have to remove our faith and dependence on external sources to help us get over something, and realize we ourselves, all that we are, are enough to move past this. You are everything, there's nothing else. You're enough to move on, and if you're not, nothing is.

 

Visualize your heart floating around aimlessly in the atmosphere, separate from your mind and your body. You've been wandering around aimlessly looking for it, it's been evading you the entire time. You've found it. Snatch it, put it back in your chest and lock it in there and move on to the next phase of your life with it being one and whole with your body again and realize that it always was and always will be one and whole with your body, it was never separate, you just had to tame it, discipline it and tell it to shut the **** up every now and then. You own your heart and your mind. Your heart isn't independent of you. You are your heart.

 

Good luck with everything. Be good to this new woman.

[Bromeo]

Thanks.

 

Its been such an odd experience for me. Everyone I'd spoken with previously assures me that my ex's behaviors are not normal. I guess that is why its taken me so long to recover from. I do feel like its me, like I am doing something wrong at times. But I hold NC, am not holding out for reconciliation, and no online stalking. And it still sucks.

 

Validation is a ongoing thing. I still get stabs of guilt and anger, but I am recovering from them quicker.

 

I'll not travel to her city again. That was a mistake. It made me feel conflicted, like I was doing something wrong. Best to avoid it in the future. It was a trigger that retarded my healing a bit.

 

I'm counting down the days. 6 weeks. I'll be gone. I am so looking forward to it. Its been a rough couple years.

 

Be safe.

[1fish2fish]

If you feel comfortable, the name of that counselor please in your old/new hometown...which is also my hometown. HTTR!

 

I don't have enough posts yet to warrant private messaging privileges, but soon.

[Bromeo]

1fish, pm me when you can.

 

Ladies and gents, I subscribe to Quora, and the following post struck a chord with me. Its about overcoming depression, but I think it applies to breakups. Give it a read:

 

 

1. "I realized I was surrounded by jerks and unsupportive people so I got rid of anyone who was abusive or contributing to my depression
   
2. My biggest problem was my thoughts. I knew what I was thinking about all the time was what was depressing me and wasn't working for me, but I didn't know what to replace it with. I learned that cognative therapy is changing your thoughts. I learned how to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones by focusing more on solutions than my problems. I knew what I didn't want but very little about what I did want. I had to shift my time around and started spending more time creating a new life.
   
3. I started asking for people who exceeded my expectations, who were more than I thought I deserved, who were supportive and inspired me and had qualities and ways of doing things I admired and wanted to learn how to do for myself to show up in my life. I said things like “what would it take to have some great new friends to show up in my life?” When you ask questions out loud or in your head it will bring you answers and new awareness. Things you ask for, will start showing up. (You get what you think about whether you want it or not!)
   
4. Having a support system is great, but I also began to realize I am enough. As soon as you discover this you're well on your way to healing. When you become more confident and self reliant you will never feel alone again.
   
5. I am are very powerful words. Pay close attention to what you say after those words because that creates your reality. You become the owner of what follows. Instead of saying “I'm by myself” like you did above you can say things like “I am capable of healing myself”.
   
6. You know what's best for you. Just ask yourself! What do I want? What's the answer you hear in your head? Start trusting yourself and your inner voice.
   
7. Make a list of everything you want in this new life of yours. You've probably spent a lot of time focused on what you don't want, but if you really want to change your life, what does this new life look like? Where do you want to live, what do you want to do for work, what kind of lifestyle do you want, where would you like to travel to… etc. Kind of like a bucket list. Dream big. As if money were no object and there were no obstacles in you way. What does your new life look like? Write it all down in a journal or I like to use the note pad on my phone and then I'd email it to myself for safe keeping and I could look back on it later to see how much I'd accomplished.
   
8. You have the power to create a new life. Every day of our lives we make choices. Choice that keep us stuck where we are. Choices that set us back. Choices that move us forward. Take absolute responsibility for these choices and you now have absolute power. Where are you now? Where do you want to go? Become who you meant to be. How do you get there from here? By heading in that new direction, one step at a time.
   
9. Sometimes what we think, feel and believe gets conflicted. I had to sort out things I learned growing up from what I believed was the truth. I rejected a lot of beliefs that were put on me from other people, my parents, teachers, family, friends. A book helped me sort this out. Living Through the Meantime
   
10. I also learned how to put my ego into check and free myself from suffering with a book called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. This shut down a lot of my negative self talk and killed my “pain body”."
    

What an awesome list. Especially about the power of internal thinking. I struggle with this myself, and sometimes get wrapped up in guilt and anger over how things went down. Affirmations do help.

 

 

Thoughts?

[trustyourself]

 

I told tell her I want to heal in peace without her in my life, and the only way I ever want to hear from her again is if she wants to work things out. And even then I don't know if I'd want to talk to her.

 

Can I ask you how she took the ultimatum?

 

I know that when she reaches out to me again, I will likely need to do the same thing. I just hope I am in a head space that gives me the courage to do so.

[la74219]

Can I ask you how she took the ultimatum?

 

I know that when she reaches out to me again, I will likely need to do the same thing. I just hope I am in a head space that gives me the courage to do so.

 

Ehhh she came around wanting to talk, but just a bunch of back and forth that's still going on. I can't ever get anything definite out of her. I still care, but I can feel myself starting to reach the point of indifference. I think that's when they come back around even more though when you honestly just let it go. At that point though, it's likely too late. Good luck!

[Bromeo]

Afternoon friends. I have 30 minutes to kill. For the first damn time in months, it 75, sunny, and slightly cool in Chicago today. While I have access to decent keyboard, would like to journal out some thoughts. I always feel better at the end, and I appreciate the communities patience.

 

First and foremost, a few days from now will mark two months of solid NC in either direction. One thing I've noticed is that the down times are less, and the happy times are getting longer and longer. I am very thankful for this. Not a peep in either direction, and my workouts, work products, and social life are steadily improving.

 

Regarding workouts, I ran 6.5 miles Sunday, sprints Monday, 3 miles Thursday, and 3.5 today. Of course this was interspersed with CF and heavy lifting. My waist is trimming nicely.

 

After traveling to the bar I visited once years ago with the internet famous Booger-Face, I found it to be a trigger, and will not do that again. I needed to vent to my roommate the following Sunday.

 

I found this article after some casual research, titled "Relationship Accountability" to be chillingly similar to what I experienced, especially the "icing" and "simmering" portions. And as the chart correctly explains, resentment was assured. I concur there.

 

Relationship accountability and the rise of ghosting - Esther Perel

 

To wit, recently I was patronizing my local bar while my house was being shown to potential buyers, and a woman struck up a conversation with me. Late 40s, very attractive. She stated she was having problems meeting and trusting men due her failed engagement some years back.

 

In summary, she was engaged to a man who she later determined was engaged to 4-5 other women nationwide. His work travel schedule allowed him to maintain separate lives across many states. Naturally she was devastated. We bonded and commiserated over our various sagas.

 

Her comment - "Any woman would have died to have a man go to those lengths to show he cared. I don't care how mad I was at you, if you were that way with me, I would melt. Don't let her stop you from being that bold or romantic with women in the future." This, from a woman who had experienced such heartache. She honestly made me feel small for being bitter, when she had moved past such pain.

 

And she is right. It is my nature to fight for accomplishments, relationships, and people. I love holding hands, opening and holding doors, giving flowers, and generally letting the women I am involved with know I care. After all this I was bitter enough not to moving forward, but after that conversation rethought that immature line of thinking. The duchess, and any other woman in my life deserves me at my best.

 

Its odd, I feel like BF is so far away that her memory lives in the far recesses of my mind. I still feel like there is a haze at times, but there isn't the burning, symptomless fever, or incessant need to contact, or even the hollow longing present. I'm sure with time the haze will even fade. I never thought I would reach that point, I can assure you.

 

I have a game plan for moving, a report date at the new office, and helpers to assist me with boxing the house up.

 

All will be well. Thank you for listening everyone.

[Bromeo]

A few thoughts, and a couple questions for the community. I trust all is well. It's 48 and drizzling in Chicago. I bundled up and spent the day outside, then took my obnoxious dog for a 3 miler. Oh, and ran 6.5 Sunday, and 200m sprints yesterday. The feeling of exhaustion at the end is priceless. Your worries sleep away.

 

My parents have been married 47 years. My father was a marine corps interrogator, point man on recon, a Vietnamese linguist (2 tours), and made staff sergeant in 3 years and 6 months. The vets here can appreciate that one. From there, he was a k9 officer, and later moved to be the SAC of a federal 1811 agency. Very accomplished, and quite a pain to grow up with.

 

For the first time today, he asked about what happened. To my surprise, he listened patiently. Due to his ptsd, he has very little patience for anything emotional.

 

"You (her) can't bail out every time things get tough. You work through your problems. You talk, and find solutions. She may have 'fit' with you, but the running away and chasing crushed your ego, which is why it hurt so bad. Let the games go, move home, and you'll feel better with your family around you."

 

Amazingly distilled breakup psychology from a marine who has dated 2 women, and married one for almost 5 decades. Made me quite contemplative.

 

Now some questions for the community. These are more lessons for me, moving forward.

 

I read all the time about how dumpee played it cool, took things slow, and generally allowed the ex to come and go as they please, and ended up winning them back.

 

Am I wrong that after everything that has happened, the games and nonsense, that I simply cannot fathom being that way? My pride will not allow me to accept flittering between men after everything that occurred. Really, I don't think I could with any woman, especially this one.

 

Furthermore, I'm moving soon. I've also read about some people sending a "no hard feelings, seeing someone new, have a great life" message as a way to shut the door. Believe me, I don't feel any need to, but there are some days even now I worry I was harsh in my voicemail. I do also know, that while my intention would be genuine, my immature ex might fire up the game engine again, which at this point I wouldn't care for.

 

Would there be any value in such a measure, in order to heal emotionally?

 

Thanks, and be safe.

 

Dave

[1fish2fish]

 

Would there be any value in such a measure, in order to heal emotionally?

 

 

 

Dear Dave,

 

No.

 

Moving away will fast forward your emotional healing immensely. Contacting her in any fashion will set you back emotionally...again.

[Bromeo]

Morning friends, some thoughts to journal out early on a Tuesday morning.

 

I am also finding less need to update my own thread. I like that.

 

For context, it's been a bear of a process selling the house. Finally everything is in order, and I will come out of closing with 32k in profit. First time in my life I've had decent cash in the bank. Although two women left me out of this home, it has provided stability and support, and will support me in its sale.

 

Second, I recently won an award at work, which came with 1k stipend. For the gov, this is huge. I am proud that I held things together there during the pain of the previous 6 months.

 

Now on to the relevant feels.

 

An odd feeling of peace has settled in, but there is an emptiness that accompanies it. How strange. Almost if my brain was so occupied for so long, it doesn't know how to adjust now that the fog has lifted.

 

This may be me, but even though everyone assured me that the incidents that occurred post breakup were atrocious and not at all my fault, I still look for ways to assume blame and feel guilty. I asked for tough love and brutal honesty, and wasn't finding the blame I was looking for. I submit that this may be a result of the blow to the ego and my tyrannical military/catholic upbringing.

 

It's amazing how powerful triggers are. I was cruising along in my nc, and was cleaning out the house. Found a pair of her jeans. Promptly burned them. Didn't think much at the time, and had several dreams about her that night. One of her simply giving me a hug and say she was sorry.

 

I feel like a toad for getting caught up this far out, 9 months post breakup, and 2.5 rock solid nc. Good part is I recovered much quicker and was fine the next day.

 

Occasionally I will feel the stab. Perhaps she was trying to test the water with her emails, maybe I screwed up, etc.

 

Then, as I have been reminded by multiple mature women, she ridiculed me when I went to tell her how much I cared and wanted to get married. Although I felt like a stalker, a dozen women have assured me that was not the case, and how rare such an effort was, etc.

 

I then smoothly cruise back to nc, centering that thought in my brain. Not in anger, but I am simply unwilling to return to the unstableness of the past.

 

Closing the ex loop, it struck me that everything was about her. Months after the breakup she was still punishing and asking me to explain how she could be so hurt. Time, space and distance are amazing for clarity and objectiveness.

 

Finally, there is such power in letting go. The times in my life I have held on too tight without fail ended poorly. And it applies across all aspects, employment, relationships, and financially.

 

I have killed to get jobs only to be fired, and smoothly obtained more prestigious opportunities.

 

I have chased and bruised my ego for women that didn't appreciate the efforts. And relaxed and let higher quality candidates drift into my life.

 

I am praticing relaxing and letting go more and more. There is great relief in just living in the moment.

 

I am now cordial and light hearted with my exw. She has said she finds it unsettling. Because I have no expectation for the outcome, there is no reason to hold onto the anger of what happened there, and she is the mother of my child.

 

To close, during my LS wandering I stumble upon posts that truly click with my situation. Sweet has posted several times on communication, men's needs, and chemistry between the sexs. These will strike mental chords, as I always put my partners needs before my own. Which likely led to the breakdown of my marriage, and most likely this lastest debacle.

 

When I return to my hometown, I plan to focus on myself and my little one moving forward. The people who are meant to be in my life will stay, and the rest will fade.

 

The peaceful, relaxed feeling is a welcome change from the unstable fever of the past 6 months.

 

Be safe everyone, and thank you for listening.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Bromeo

[1fish2fish]

 

I am simply unwilling to return to the unstableness of the past.

 

 

 

This.

 

This is my daily (hourly?) reminder.

[Bromeo]

Morning friends,

 

It seems appropriate to check in. I'm 2 days out from the sale of my home, and have been working like a machine prepping it for sale. I find it amazing how much junk I collected in the 4 years I lived here. Many trips to donation and the dump have occurred as a result.

 

It's an odd thing, many old friends from DC have reached out upon hearing I was moving home. The new assignment is shaping up to be fantastic, and I'm really excited for the opportunity.

 

No disprespect meant, but I enjoy the fact that I have not spent as much time on this site. I guess my logical need for understanding is simply being overwritten by new things, people, and events.

 

Concerning events, I've attended a number of fun outings. Saw Aladdin at the Cadillac theater, attended sox games, have enjoyed numerous cover bands/live music, and most recently, get this - my roommate wanted to attend midget wrestling for her birthday. Not usually my thing, but it was the most light hearted fun I'd had in years. I took a group from work and had a blast.

 

I must confess, I attended comic con, and dressed up as one punch man. It was amazing. The group I was with had to walk through a stuffy environmental convention to get to the con, and people were yelling "ONE PUNCH" as I walked by. Lol

 

With all this going on, there is a recent event I'll detail out for perspective. With all the stress from the move, a few nights back I had an extremely vivid dream about my ex for the first time in months. We were walking, holding hands, and talking.

 

I woke up, and I must also confess, I broke no contact and looked at her social media. My emotions were all over the place from the move and dream. To summarize, she is single and apparently unhappy.

 

Now, I completely understand and am at peace with the following:

 

- This person treated me atrociously post-breakup.

- If she wanted to talk, we would be.

- Most likely her posts are unrelated to me due to the time elapsed.

- I should let her "wallow", as one male friend commented. She had a good thing and chose to walk away.

- This person will list endlessly and attach herself to men forever, hoping to fill a bottomless hole.

 

I had short-lived, intense need to break no contact and reach out, instead I contacted some friends and vented a bit.

 

Question is, will these dreams fade with time, or should I treat it more like ptsd, where the emotional intensity will bubble up from time to time, and I should allow it to run its course?

 

Regarding relationships, I feel laser focused to offer caring advice. I was speaking with an old friend who was experiencing the same sort of immature tactics I received. The distancing, icing, vague texts, Facebook relationship quotes, refusing to cut ties, etc.

 

These women all seem to read from the same erroneous playbook. I could sense his confusion and frustration. I kept him as centered as possible, and kept him from any bold, dave-like professions of love to prevent her from dropping the emotional boom on him. This resulted in them having a mature conversation, and parting ways amicably.

 

How ironic. Many relationships around me are resolving maturely, and here's Dave, months later, still on the struggle bus. I can laugh about it though. Lol

 

Have a good week everyone. Next stop, DC.

 

Dave

[penelopeanne]

Regarding relationships, I feel laser focused to offer caring advice. I was speaking with an old friend who was experiencing the same sort of immature tactics I received. The distancing, icing, vague texts, Facebook relationship quotes, refusing to cut ties, etc.

 

 

 

Dave

 

this stuff is so crazy making. i always hated communicating with my ex so much through text, social media.....but he was always so busy busy busy with work and doing 5 million things. I feel foolish to have dealt with so much immaturity!

hard lesson.

i am glad to hear your update.

[Bromeo]

Evening friends,

 

Been awhile since I dropped an update onto my own thread. I like that.

 

It's humid and hot in Maryland this evening. Lol

 

First, the relevant loveshack part. Congratulate me on over four months no contact. The good days have been far outweighing the bad. I get the occasional stab, but a bit of mental discipline squares it away quick. I've only checked her page one time or so in two months. Both times sucked, and cured me quick.

 

I moved back home about a month ago. Closing was a bear, loading the house was a bear, and the following week starting in a new office, and the remaining logistics were all quite exhausting.

 

Having said that, this last month has been the happiest I've been in years. I've reconnected with old friends, one of whom I haven't seen in 20 years. I've spent time with family, my daughter, made new work friends, and have been loving being back. Moving home has been the best thing for me.

 

Two exs have reached out via Facebook. Both very kind. Met up with one, I had to let her go due to moving, and chatted with the other. Kind of odd, but simply proves that the ladies are on the graph search. Lol

 

I actually met up with a loveshack member, who turned out to be awesome. She had a similar ex as mine, and we exchanged stories, laughed, and had a great time together. Though, she works out a bit too much

 

I've curated a very me-centric attitude, detached from outcomes. This has allowed me to be fully present, and love just being me. This is the calmest and most centered I've been.

 

I've delved into hobbies, and recently was certified as a scuba diver! It was an amazing class, and I plan to pursue advanced certifications. Next month is sommelier training.

 

I found a home right on the Chesapeake bay that I want to buy, and within my price range. In a million years I never thought this would be possible.

 

Personally, I'm burned out on relationships. If one comes my way, great. If not, I'm perfectly happy being me. My sister states that my perfect woman is out there, and I just haven't met her. That may be true, but my mindset is not outward any longer. Call me bitter, I simply do not wish that noise in my life right now.

 

Someone (yup you) said I must be a player for thinking like this, interested in causal sex. A players hobby is women, my hobby is me. I'm tending to my own garden, and making space for good things to happen.

 

To close, for those struggling, I've been there, it gets better, and pain is truly the most effective teacher.

 

Btw, the new god of war looks amazing, along with black panther, and the defenders. DCs comic con is tomorrow, and should be quite the amazing time.

 

Night friends, be safe.

[Bromeo]

Oooooooooooook community, please weigh in here.

 

I'd like to think I've done my absolute best to put my debacle behind me. I moved, I'm doing phenomenal at work, I picked up hobbies, paying down debt, etc.

 

I've also tried to read, analyze, and learn as much as possible.

 

Tried to provide solid counsel to those in as much pain as I was.

 

Life has truly turned around since how painful it was for me back then.

 

Before I write the following, I know it means nothing, it does not represent action, and it's bs. I plan to do nothing about it, and I simply want to vent a bit.

 

Can you believe this chick went on my page and liked a ton of my posts.

 

The girl who spit roasted my feelings, made fun of me, etc.

 

I read extensively about blocking/not blocking. I understand it's about me, and I chose to demonstrate indifference by leaving my page public, and not blocking. I've had friends reach out, exs, coworkers, etc.

 

I have no plans to contact her, look at her page, or anything else. I felt a wash of emotions rise, and then go down quickly. Instead of missing her, it was more a sour feeling, because I remembered all the things in the past.

 

But seriously, wtf.

 

And believe me, I know to block her. Clearly, based on my post, I'm not healed up, I know that too.

 

I could speculate all day, and I'm not.

 

I wanted her back for months on end. I remember laying on my bed throbbing it hurt so bad.

 

Finally, there is no way she doesn't know how bad she hurt me. My weak and needy voicemail made sure of that.

 

I'm worth way, way, way, more than a like on social media.

 

Thanks everyone. I'd especially appreciate it if sweet could wade in, I'm quite a fan.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Bromeo

[Sweetfish]

Oooooooooooook community, please weigh in here.

 

I'd like to think I've done my absolute best to put my debacle behind me. I moved, I'm doing phenomenal at work, I picked up hobbies, paying down debt, etc.

 

I've also tried to read, analyze, and learn as much as possible.

 

Tried to provide solid counsel to those in as much pain as I was.

 

Life has truly turned around since how painful it was for me back then.

 

Before I write the following, I know it means nothing, it does not represent action, and it's bs. I plan to do nothing about it, and I simply want to vent a bit.

 

Can you believe this chick went on my page and liked a ton of my posts.

 

The girl who spit roasted my feelings, made fun of me, etc.

 

I read extensively about blocking/not blocking. I understand it's about me, and I chose to demonstrate indifference by leaving my page public, and not blocking. I've had friends reach out, exs, coworkers, etc.

 

I have no plans to contact her, look at her page, or anything else. I felt a wash of emotions rise, and then go down quickly. Instead of missing her, it was more a sour feeling, because I remembered all the things in the past.

 

But seriously, wtf.

 

And believe me, I know to block her. Clearly, based on my post, I'm not healed up, I know that too.

 

I could speculate all day, and I'm not.

 

I wanted her back for months on end. I remember laying on my bed throbbing it hurt so bad.

 

Finally, there is no way she doesn't know how bad she hurt me. My weak and needy voicemail made sure of that.

 

I'm worth way, way, way, more than a like on social media.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Like you said, it means nothing. Your feelings were placed in a meat grinder with her self as priority and now you have learned to prioritize you. If anything you should thank the situation for it allowed you to grow and maybe you will not reach absolute indifference. They are simply just likes and nothing more.

[Marc878]

IMO blocking is a final purge. A good thing