Bromeo needs to vent.

[Bromeo]

This speaks to how well I've been doing the nc thing:

 

I completely forgot that her birthday was a couple days ago. Kind of makes sense now. She also hit me up a day or so after our anniversary in January with her emails, detailed previously.

 

I fell that time for it, not this time. These exs truly have no conception that they hurt us, and the extent of it.

 

Why there has to been these stupid games, I don't know.

 

I was having the best day. Found a pool for endurance training, and a shelter to volunteer at. And yesterday I spoke with my new falconry sponsor about hunting in November.

 

I guess this is how it goes, right?

[Altair0770]

It means she's having a hard time in real life and likely got dumped. Well, just speculating, but crazy ones tend to get upset when their exes show them no attention.

 

I went to an event in the game I played where I met my ex. Minding my own business, having fun, and she showed up and tried making me jealous and get my attention. Obviously I saw it, but the funny thing is I felt nothing but giggled a bit on the inside at her attempts.

 

Once you start feeling indifferent, or that you moved on, it's so true that they start to notice, ESPECIALLY if they haven't yet or they are single. They start feeling lonely and worthless and need that pick me up.

 

She started liking everything to get your attention, nothing else. They once had us on our knees and doing everything for them. Now that we do nothing for them, and do everything for ourselves/someone else, they start trying to get that back.

 

It hurts, I know. I knew my ex was garbage the second she started treating me like I was the garbage. I knew deep down that she wasn't worth the hell I was going through, but I also wanted to make it work. Nostalgia I guess. That's the worst part, is we know we have what it takes to make the relationship work and they won't even lift a finger.

 

Your ex seems like my ex. They want that supply. We're both good people, that would make great boyfriends. We treat our women with respect and we were there for them. Now they likely have no one, or aren't getting the attention from the person they're "with" so they want to reach out to former "loves" to get that attention.

 

Once they start playing games, know that you already won.

 

The best part of NC, once you get to that point of feeling okay, isn't that you're just healing, it's that you're learning. Not just how the relationship game works, but also what you're capable of in a relationship and how good of a person you are. I knew I was great to my ex. I knew it, but didn't feel it because it rewarded me with being treated like crap and eventually dumped, then rejected after being the key to her happiness when I saw how miserable she was after dumping me.

 

Once my ex learned that I was dating someone new, she started trying to get my attention in every way possible besides contacting me. She'll either give up or she'll give in. Either way, I don't care as I don't really want anything to do with her. She had her chance at a golden life, as did yours, and they gave it up for lust.

 

And remember - Hurt people hurt people. She's hurting. Wants your attention. Doesn't give it a thought that it may hurt you. It's likely not intentional. She just hasn't given it a damn thought.

 

Good to hear you're improving yourself even more after this debacle. Stay strong brotha.

[Bromeo]

Appreciate the input. I woke up, sat outside and tried to unpack this thing a bit this morning.

 

I clearly told this woman not to contact me, and delineated how badly she hurt me. Since then, I've been working full time to be the best version of me.

 

I've read extensively about relationships, co-dependent behavior, white knight syndrome, MGTOW, and validation/approval issues in men. I see where I went wrong, and I have been working on my boundaries and communication.

 

Sweets posts have helped tremendously, and I see that although successful, my insecurities cause me to select partners that I seek to "fix", allowing me to always feel "above", or "better than". Self-awareness can be truly frightening at times.

 

The fact that she, even in this limited way broke nc is representative of not respecting my boundaries that I put in place for me to heal.

 

The memory I keep coming back to is getting made fun of when my previously weak and needy self made an unscheduled appearance. I give myself mental faceslaps for that more than enough.

 

I will confess, I do think of her, but until last night was in more of a muted fashion.

 

What I will not do is begin spinning, over analyzing, and chasing again. That was truly a difficult period for me.

 

I've said before, pain is the best teacher. I've not checked her page, and most definitely will not contact her.

 

I've made the joke that most of my friends are reconciling, or even cordial with their exs, and I remain in stone cold nc, holding my stones. Lol

 

I'm not angry or sad, just a sore feeling, like my emotions have scabbed over, and she is pulling at it.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Dave

[Altair0770]

It'll happen again, best to prepare yourself. The way I do is take it as a self confidence boost. I've never invaded my exes boundaries or space. I too haven't checked her social media besides after my first date with the new girl I'm seeing. And sure enough it was set to private. I believe in coincidences, but she knew what was up.

 

Yesterday I was shocked. Not that my ex appeared but that I didn't feel anything but laugh. Before I may have shed a tear. I enjoyed what I was doing in the game and even forgot that she was even there, despite her trying to make a scene in the chat.

 

She knew I was there. Without a doubt. And showed up for that reason alone.

 

They play these games to make us chase because they're afraid to. As sweet told me, they F'd up and are realizing it. We're bettering ourselves and becoming even better men. They're fishing for fantasies but they aren't hooking.

 

Glad to see you're doing good. Keep up that good work. But do expect something else to happen. Sometimes it's a testing of the water. Other times it's just the beginning of cray-cray.

[BC1980]

I read extensively about blocking/not blocking. I understand it's about me, and I chose to demonstrate indifference by leaving my page public, and not blocking. I've had friends reach out, exs, coworkers, etc.

 

But the problem is that you aren't indifferent yet. That's why people recommend doing everything you can to protect yourself from triggers while you heal. Once you become indifferent, then you can experiment with leaving your page public or unblocking her number or something like that if you really feel like you want to. But I'd say for at least a year, you need to take all the protective measures you can and don't try to test how strong you are.

[BC1980]

What I will not do is begin spinning, over analyzing, and chasing again. That was truly a difficult period for me.

 

I've said before, pain is the best teacher. I've not checked her page, and most definitely will not contact her.

 

Good. Don't go down the rabbit hole of analyzing this anymore. It's fine to try to analyze it once, but, after that, it becomes an indulgent exercise in pain and redundancy. And you get nowhere. You end up with the same answers. The best thing you can do is to plan something fun today. Anything to distract yourself and move on with your life. Just keep moving forward.

 

And yes, pain is the best teacher. You did really good with NC up to this point. That's a big accomplishment. So she liked some photos. Lesson learned. You realized that not blocking your page was a mistake, so now you know. Honestly, it took me about a year to delete my ex's number out of my phone, so I get it.

[Bromeo]

Thanks everyone. Believe me, I realize they are just likes on a photo.

 

Either she thinks we can be friends now - we can't and won't.

 

Or:

 

She's trying to get my attention in the smallest way possible.

 

Either way, whatever.

 

I thought there was a never ending supply of Indiana Area 51 true believers lined up for her. Guess not.

 

And, I know I'm not indifferent yet. I don't look at her page, Google her name or anything else.

 

A sullen morning, a talk with my sister and a good nap made me feel a ton better.

 

Be safe. And for my stateside friends, Murcia.

[la74219]

Coincidentally mine reached out to me as well after being blocked and no contact for a week. Her games start again. She wants us to be friends and hang out to see where things go, but wants to be open to dating other people as well.

 

I shut that down quickly. I told her we can be civil and mature, but I do not wish to speak to her or see her under those circumstances. From my end.....game over.

 

Stay strong and hang in there Dave. Happy 4th.

[Bromeo]

This will be my final post regarding this admittedly minor matter.

 

They play these games to make us chase because they're afraid to. As sweet told me, they F'd up and are realizing it. We're bettering ourselves and becoming even better men. They're fishing for fantasies but they aren't looking.

 

Wouldn't this be a pleasant fantasy to be true? Although I am working very hard to be the best version of me.

 

Additionally, mine frequently said she wanted a perfect relationship where the man never made mistakes. How ironic.

 

Several short talks today with tovarischs familiar with this debacle.

 

One thing they all agreed on was her life isn't working out, because people happy in their relationships do not creep their exs page.

 

The rousing consensus was: "hey look at me, I'm still around, remember me?! Think about me! Chase me so I can play games again!"

 

All stated to block.

 

Not this time, sweetheart. This man has learned a ton since January.

 

Be safe everyone. Brexit 1776 was fun yesterday.

[Goodguy05]

Oooooooooooook community, please weigh in here.

 

I'd like to think I've done my absolute best to put my debacle behind me. I moved, I'm doing phenomenal at work, I picked up hobbies, paying down debt, etc.

 

I've also tried to read, analyze, and learn as much as possible.

 

Tried to provide solid counsel to those in as much pain as I was.

 

Life has truly turned around since how painful it was for me back then.

 

Before I write the following, I know it means nothing, it does not represent action, and it's bs. I plan to do nothing about it, and I simply want to vent a bit.

 

Can you believe this chick went on my page and liked a ton of my posts.

 

The girl who spit roasted my feelings, made fun of me, etc.

 

I read extensively about blocking/not blocking. I understand it's about me, and I chose to demonstrate indifference by leaving my page public, and not blocking. I've had friends reach out, exs, coworkers, etc.

 

I have no plans to contact her, look at her page, or anything else. I felt a wash of emotions rise, and then go down quickly. Instead of missing her, it was more a sour feeling, because I remembered all the things in the past.

 

But seriously, wtf.

 

And believe me, I know to block her. Clearly, based on my post, I'm not healed up, I know that too.

 

I could speculate all day, and I'm not.

 

I wanted her back for months on end. I remember laying on my bed throbbing it hurt so bad.

 

Finally, there is no way she doesn't know how bad she hurt me. My weak and needy voicemail made sure of that.

 

I'm worth way, way, way, more than a like on social media.

 

Thanks everyone. I'd especially appreciate it if sweet could wade in, I'm quite a fan.

 

My ex wife did this. I woke up one morning this is almost 10 yrs after we split and she liked about 12 photos . At the time I guess it was a nice gesture but later it caused problems wth the gf I was seeing at the time so now I just permanently blocked her.

[Bromeo]

Friends,

 

I trust this funds everyone well. I just took a break from packing for a work trip to Chicago Wednesday. I wanted to check in and say hello.

 

First, on to the relevant stuff. After swearing the blood oath not to, I haven't looked at my exs page in six weeks. Her games last month reset me a bit, but I've committed to continuing to be happy, and not allow the confusing nonsense to creep back in.

 

I occasionally second guess my last voicemail, but logically she would have continued to play games while sleeping with other people, and I much prefer being centered and calm now, to how I acted previously.

 

I just can't wish her well at the moment. I'll get there, but at the moment I'm still not indifferent. I hold a grudge like the Italians. I think I'm more mad at myself for everything, but who knows.

 

The intense pain is long gone, and when I think about her, I feel as if there is a void there.

 

With months of perspective, I look back at the much more painful times and cringe, but also sometimes smile sadly at the lovesick fool I was. I'll be damned to return to those times, nor act out of control emotionally, or have those games played again.

 

And folks, I should have listened to everyone here way back in November. I could have shortcutted months of games and pain.

 

I've dated some very different women since then. Some very beautiful, some damaged, and some just as lost as I was/(am). I've summarized that I really have no idea what the hell I'm looking for anymore. I put a half hearted effort into meeting people nowadays. Ironically, I've met a ton of women.

 

Work has been amazing. I'm mentoring a new employee, and have maintained a solid, hard working reputation that I plan to build on.

 

I recently passed a very difficult sommelier examination. Hardest test Ive ever taken. Crazy interesting stuff.

 

Four weeks from now I'm headed off to dive on a week long trip to the Bahamas. I'll be living on an all-inclusive sailboat for a week, and I'm super excited for it.

 

Falconry season begins in November, and I've been speaking with a sponsor to teach me how to hunt with and rehabilitate injured birds of prey.

 

I've attended awesome alumni events, spent time with new friends, and I might buy a beach house.

 

I haven't posted much because honestly, I've been trying to have fun and live my life.

 

Be safe everyone.

 

Ps - kingdom hearts III looks awesome.

[Bromeo]

Friends,

 

10p in DC. Tomorrow I head to the Bahamas for a liveaboard week-long diving trip. It's my first vacation that I planned from start to finish, and doesn't involve work in any way. I'm super excited. While I'm there, I get to stay at the hotel that Never Say Never was filmed in. Life is crazy.

 

On to more relevant matters. Two weekends ago, from out of nowhere, I strongly felt this urge to contact my ex. After seven months of nc, believe me, I felt like a nut. I made a couple calls and kept myself under control. I wouldn't say I felt set back, but it was quite odd after all this time. I wavered a bit with feeling guilty, but oddly enough I was satisfied with the thought of never hearing from her. I'd be interested to benchmark similar experiences with the community.

 

Many times I've sadly laughed at myself for getting made fun of at her work. I was told to focus on that memory and let it help the journey to indifference.

 

I recently broke up with the lady I was seeing. I can say, that having been through the prior experience detailed at length here, nc was a breeze. Goes to show you that after my feelings took a deep frying, I am much stronger and stingy with who receives them. I made one attempt to reconcile, and let it go afterwards.

 

I think I've gotten bitter, and need a break from dating for awhile. Logical thinking will do that to you. I'm having a difficult time believe and trusting potential partners nowadays, so best to back off for awhile. I'm sure I'll feel it when I'm ready again.

 

My monthly check-in was past due.

 

Be safe everyone.

 

Ps - There's no way bran is the nights king, and Euron is my favorite villain. Lol

[BC1980]

On to more relevant matters. Two weekends ago, from out of nowhere, I strongly felt this urge to contact my ex. After seven months of nc, believe me, I felt like a nut. I made a couple calls and kept myself under control. I wouldn't say I felt set back, but it was quite odd after all this time. I wavered a bit with feeling guilty, but oddly enough I was satisfied with the thought of never hearing from her. I'd be interested to benchmark similar experiences with the community.

 

Many times I've sadly laughed at myself for getting made fun of at her work. I was told to focus on that memory

 

The mind is an odd thing. I have no idea why we remember things and get weepy sometimes. I would actually tell you not to indulge in those memories, which is what a friend of mine who does CBT taught me. She gave me a lot of free advice after my breakup. When you have a sad thought of your ex, immediately replace that thought with a new memory. For example, exercise, read a book, call a friend, work on a hobby, etc. The goal is to rewire your brain. If you indulge in memories or break NC, you are wiring your brain to think it can get relief from your ex. This is also what some addiction specialists will do as part of CBT to rewire your brain away from your addiction.

 

It worked for me, but it took a long time. About a year before I saw any significant improvement. It's just very difficult to rewire your brain, and you have to really want to do it. I struggled greatly after my breakup, so I really needed to go the extra step. All of my other breakups, this process happened naturally. Just some food for thought if you need an extra boost.

[Goodguy05]

Hey Bromeo

 

It's normal I'd like to share my experience and may I say each person I truly loved took yrs before I finally really let go.

 

Current ex broken up a yr handled pretty well considering I been traumatised by working together and seeing her date work colleagues. I've bout had enough and decided the best way for me to heal is move away from the area. Too many reminders. Moving back down south. Yesterday call it the universe or what may be. I went out of the office to not see her went out looking at the lake away from the office the wind was cold so I turned after a few minutes and saw her walking wth that work colleague together considering how painful this is I just accepted it it stung that afternoon and finally the feelings subsided that night wen I caught up wth a few people.

 

I asked this lady in our social group what could this mean? It's not like I was trying to look for what the ex was up to at work i really was trying to get away from it. Btw had i turned a minute later I wouldn't of seen them they would have passed and been back at the office. She asked me If I was still holding on. I thought about it for a minute and in all honesty I was. She said it was basically a sign to show me that it was over and to show me the reality of the situation. I think it matters not much in the end if we trip up text etc if it helps let go that's the point of it all the letting go whatever it takes to let go wether that's making a fool of yourself or faking it till u make it each scenario we deal wth either guilt or anger at our own actions and the way we approached it.

 

I must say though one experience that I still wish I'd handled more cautiously was wen my ex wife came back to me she went hot and cold and then wanted a divorce i went right back to square one and it took yrs to heal. She sabotaged the new relationship id started and the most recent one by ticking my fb posts.

 

I've blocked her for good now but still wish I'd never accepted her back that time in my life.

 

As for ur trust issues that means u need more time I would strongly recommend counseling to work thru that as I stopped mine and had trust issues which sabotaged my last relationship. If there's one thing u take away from reading this definatly resolve those trust issues before commuting to a new partner u have feelings for. It will increase ur odds of having a successful relationship.

 

Us dumpees are dealing wth far more than dumpers. We have it harder

Edited September 16, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Bromeo]

Evening friends,

 

55 and chilly in DC. I've been back a week from a diving trip, and it was amazing. Next up is falconry, slated for mid-October. I'm really looking forward to it.

 

On to more salient matters. Last week I wasn't feeling well, but had a PFT at work. I was really stressing, and broke NC by creeping my exs page.

 

She had made her new relationship FB official. We have been broken up for over a year, and nc for almost 8 months, so I harbored no ill will. She's pretty and approaching 40, and I figured she'd find someone new at some point. Even better, she had already moved in with him - and his 4 kids.

 

That evening, combined with the stress of the next days test, I got very little sleep. I let my mind spin a bit. Why, if she was already in a new RS, was she on my page?, etc.

 

Oddly, the next day, I felt an amazing sense of closure. My brain felt like space had been cleared out, to allow for new activities, hobbies, etc.

 

I passed my PFT, and went on my way. I had quit holding on, I knew she was (supposedly) happy in a new RS, and was never coming back.

 

The only way I can describe the feeling was incredibly peaceful. I felt happy and lighthearted. I felt much more capable of handling complex assignments. It's crazy after all this time how I was still holding on, and how much damage breadcrumbs can do to your emotions, even subconsciously.

 

And, I felt confident to block her, and bring this chapter, 14 months long and mostly my fault to a close. Five days now and never looking back. Unless something drastic happens, I expect never to hear from her. Which is perfectly fine.

 

I related this to several longtime female friends at work, who had several nice things to say including:

 

I have grown extensively emotionally;

I seem very calm and relaxed;

She hit the jackpot with me, and couldn't hold things together, and is looking for the next handout.

 

I hope this will be the final post in my own Greek drama. Lol

 

And, as a side note, and an admittedly very immature one, he is a way, way, way downgrade ;p

 

To close this thread, for everyone hurting, take it from me. I am as stubborn as an elephant. For example:

 

My situation is different! - it wasn't.

Stalking social media isn't breaking nc! - yes it is.

She misses me! - no she doesn't.

Her FB likes on my page means she wants me back! - no it doesn't.

If I only try harder, show her, etc, she'll come back! - leave her alone.

Buy her gifts? - good god no.

 

Don't be like me - 14 months was enough. I remember laying in bed hurting so bad I thought I'd never be ok. Each time I broke NC I reset the healing.

 

My self respect has gone through the roof. I recently let a gorgeous Chilean girl go due to smelling red flags and insecurities. Someone else can deal with that noise.

 

I feel very chill. Able to sit back and let good things happen in their own time. I'm focused on me, and my little one at the moment, and I'm perfectly happy with that. Whatever happens will happen.

 

Be safe everyone. Although I didn't listen, thank you very much to the patient souls who helped me out. I'll check in and add my .02 every now and then.

 

Sorry for the long post, but a solid, happy read.

 

Dave

Edited October 2, 2017 by Bromeo

[Buriall]

Sounds like you're in a much better place. Be proud of what you've accomplished so far. And hope to see you around

[Sweetfish]

Sometimes and most times: The juice is just not worth the squeeze. Glad your moving forward.