I feel like an FBI detective

[Sma0405]

Hi all-

 

I need to vent and my friends are telling me to just "let it go". It would be great if I could but I can't seem to make sense of anything in my head.

 

I met my ex 8 years ago and dated for a month or so. I found out he was dating someone else and she claimed to be pregnant. I wished him well on his new journey but he kept contacting me like nothing was different. I let my ego guide me and felt powerful...he may be with her but he really wanted me...or so I let myself believe. This contact went on while he married her and had a child (the first pregnancy was just a false scare). Fast forward 7 years and he contacted me because they were getting divorced. I tried to tell him I wasn't the one to speak to but then I felt sorry for him and we just talked of ways her could communicate with his wife. Well, that didn't work out and he pursued me. I was reluctant but eventually decided to wipe the slate clean and date (I didn't act very well back then either so why judge him).

 

Things were good and he was happy to "right a wrong" as he always said. I enjoyed the attention. After a few months I realized we just weren't compatible (we had different styles (he's flannel and sneakers and I like to dress up and dine at nice places from time to time which made him uncomfortable), he had a special needs son and I'm not a kid person, and I'm spiritual and he doesn't believe in God but I brushed it off. He then learns he's losing his job and his mom who lives with him and helps with childcare is moving out of state. he then wants me to move in. My gut said no, but my mouth said yes. Gotta give it a try, right? Well it was not good. I withdrew from him and definitely wasn't much help with the son. I felt disconnected from my bf so i really was disconnected from the child. I didn't think I could leave because he's unemployed and didn;t have child care help. When I would bring things up, he would say it was growing pains, Then a few weeks after that, he tells me it's over and I'm not changing his mind. I was shocked but relieved. he said I didn't have to move until I found a place. But two days after the breakup talk I see him texting with a girl...he was looking a a girls photo. It's not even 2 days! I was crazy but he apologized for disrespecting me. I moved out immediately and was doing ok. This wasn't a relationship I wanted, Then 4 weeks later when I go to pick up my stuff, I find out he has a girlfriend and she's moving in. WHAT? I can only assume they were talking while we were dating (guess that's his style) and I'm crushed. I find out she's a bikini/promo "model" who goes to the clubs, takes incessant sexy selfies and brags about all her designer stuff. She represents all the things he said he despised. He even called me and my friends snooty and I'm nothing like her.

 

I can't stop obsessing over them. How can this man who is unemployed with a special needs son who just broke up with his girlfriend find someone so easily? Someone so very opposite of him? My stuff was in the house when she was sleeping there and she was using it. I can not makes sense of this. And I stalk their facebook pages to see what they are doing. When I think of them I get sick to my stomach. Rationally I know to stop doing this, but I feel addicted and can't. What am I trying to get from this self sabotaging behavior?

[VeveCakes]

 

I can't stop obsessing over them. How can this man who is unemployed with a special needs son who just broke up with his girlfriend find someone so easily? Someone so very opposite of him? My stuff was in the house when she was sleeping there and she was using it. I can not makes sense of this. And I stalk their facebook pages to see what they are doing. When I think of them I get sick to my stomach. Rationally I know to stop doing this, but I feel addicted and can't. What am I trying to get from this self sabotaging behavior?

 

Maybe she is a very kind person and cares about him and his son. Just because she is a model doesn't mean she isn't a decent person.

 

You yourself didn't even want him and I'm sure he could sense that. Why do you care really....you should be releaved the situation took care of itself.

 

Block his profiles and try to move on from this.

[health]

Even 8 years later I get pangs at times to obsessively check on my ex.

 

Yes, it's almost masochistic in a way.

 

Be committed to stopping, stay busy, stay healthy, read and meditate to fill your mind up with other things. Eventually you won't check up as much.

[Sma0405]

VeveCakes - thanks for your reply. I'm not saying because she's a model she's a bad person. However, by her facebook posts/persona she likes to get drunk, party, take sexy selfies and incessantly speak of how she likes expensive things...please note we are late thirties, early forties. This is nothing like he is and he condemned me for liking nicer things and made me feel guilty and would put up a fuss if I asked him to go out somewhere that didn't involve sneakers. And he called me and my friends snooty all the time. Solely basing things on what I see, she is me X 10. So, the match confuses me.

 

I'm trying to understand what is triggering my obsession. Why is this situation making me crazy? Is it because I'm not longer his object of attention? Do I feel discarded because he so easily moved on...I condensed my story and it really wasn't as black and white as it sounded. We loved each other...but it wasn't a fit and we both just went with it. I think because we are both needy...I wanted a boyfriend and he wanted a mother to him (he relies on woman a lot) and his child. After the breakup I realized this more. When I was in it, I just went with the flow and just thought this is how relationships are...just ok and you deal with it.

 

health - thank you for the suggestions. I am trying my best to move on. I tend to do this with most relationships. It's a pattern and not the person. I want to understand it so I don't repeat it. Again, thanks for sharing.

[reckoner]

I can't stop obsessing over them. How can this man who is unemployed with a special needs son who just broke up with his girlfriend find someone so easily? Someone so very opposite of him? My stuff was in the house when she was sleeping there and she was using it. I can not makes sense of this. And I stalk their facebook pages to see what they are doing. When I think of them I get sick to my stomach. Rationally I know to stop doing this, but I feel addicted and can't. What am I trying to get from this self sabotaging behavior?

 

I was doing the same as you when it comes to the checking, and a friend of mine wisely told me this:You are slowly removing the band aid from your wound instead of tearing off at once.

I am still grateful for these words.

 

I was doing similar after my most recent breakup, tortured myself, and the best thing I ever did was: blocking. Just remove the option to be able to check them. I made big spurts in my healing process after doing so. It was a real tough thing to do, but I'm so glad I did it. For me personally, another reason to do this was that I wanted to be the one who would delete/block as I knew I could not bear the moment when she would do it. Simply I wanted to be the one to do it. I knew it would hit me harder if she was the one blocking me in the end...

 

FB nowadays has a 48 hour period where you cannot de-block a person after you made the decision to block them. It's just another step that makes you think clearly instead of obsessively checking their pages.

 

Stop hurting yourself and just do it.

Edited November 20, 2016 by reckoner

[stillafool]

You're obsessing because you think you are better than the other girl but yet he wants her. It may be that they get along better, they are more compatible or he is in love with the way she looks. It's just your ego that is bruised. Force yourself to stop looking. That is the only way to move on as he has.