Dealing with a recent DDay and loss of an AP/friend

[FlemishSwanSong]

As so many other members have begun, I am new on here! I've read so many of the threads over the last few weeks and found most of them so helpful, they've helped to put into some kind of perspective my own situation. They've made me realise (with a reasonable twinge of sadness) that my own story is almost a standard format. I won't sound great in any of this, however here goes! I have recently had an affair which was only stopped because we had our own DDay. Honestly, if there had been no detection, I would still be happily (I use that term loosely, as realistically I was often wrought with insecurities and that horrible longing from feeling like I never had enough contact with my AP. We were both in long term relationships with children involved) be in the midst of the A. I have know this man for over 10 years, we've always got on well, but had grown especially close over the last few years. Neither of us were in especially happy places in our own relationships. Our partners of course seemed even worse to us while we were enjoying our time together. As many have said, it's not reality, but you somehow normalise it at the time. I felt an emotional closeness to this man, he said he shared this, we felt physically compatible and both said we felt like soulmates. Promises were never made by him, though suggestions of us being together in the longer term (when his children were a little older), were regularly referred to. I thought I loved this man and he me. I didn't really consider my husband (who at the time was having his own relationship with alcohol), or to my total shame my two teenage children. This situation would have continued, I believe until we got caught...which of course we did. Sooner, rather than later. Again, honestly, I hoped there would be some kind of consideration and discussion of what he might do. There was none. He went back to work it out with his W. When we spoke a week later, he told me there was to be NC and he had gone back for the sake of his children. There was a certain coldness, thought not nastiness. There has had to be a little contact through work, though luckily we have been able to relocate sites and will now never come across each other or have contact. In the closing emails as we wrapped up shared projects, his emails whilst professional were hurtful in their tone and formality. I know he wants to just move on. I guess push it to the back of his mind, pretend it never happened and reestablish himself with his wife and secure his place in the family. I don't really know how easy it is for him at home and I feel so very sad that he has been able to seemingly forget and regret me so easily, from loving me one minute to cold shoulder the next. I would have seriously considered a future with him. I think about him even now many times every day, still have the what ifs, go from resentment to deep regret at if nothing else the loss of our friendship. I have read on LS that the OM rarely leaves, but they spin those lines to us and we believe they will. I would never have believed it. There are no questions here, I just wanted to recount my sorry story. I am still at the start if the repair process and I can see it will be a long one. I still secretly hope he will contact me and haven't got used to not checking my phone all the time (which is soooo quiet now!). I know he won't. I look forward to the day when I don't feel disappointed that a notification is from a friend and not him, when I stop thinking about him, feeling sad and empty. Logically I know his heart is somewhere else, and always was, but he just didn't realise it at the time. Any comments and thoughts would be most welcome.

[Southern Sun]

Just welcoming you to LS...and the misery many of us have been through.

 

Most likely he has not just forgotten you and swept you out of his memory banks. Though he may well be doing exactly what he needs to do to make proper amends at home. I can't tell from your post what kind of D-Day occurred (discovery on both sides?), but they usually burst the fantasy bubble of the affair. It can feel beautiful and wonderful while no one else knows about it, and then when it meets the light of day (especially when kids find out), one often has to face down the ugly truth of what they did.

 

What you are going through is normal. That may not help to hear it at all. We often sell our souls for these relationships. Looking back it can feel pretty shameless. But we felt what we felt, and most likely he was there as much as you were. Now the chickens have come home to roost, as they say.

 

Try not to take what he's doing personally. Affairs are basically pointless. They are limbo-land relationships. They are suspended animation. They start with a known end (usually, anyway). You and he entered knowingly together into the fantasy, you must have known it wouldn't last forever, and now it's done. And he's just trying to minimize the damage as best he can. I'm sure you are still very much on his mind, though if he's smart, he will work to make that less over time. I hope you can do the same.

[CommittedToThis]

Hi FSS,

 

There's no way on earth xMM has forgotten you, just as you haven't forgotten him.

 

However, you guys got caught with your hand in each other's cookie jar and now -- this is crystal clear to everyone but you -- he is doing the right thing by cutting off contact with you, giving you the cold shoulder, and moving on with repairing the relationship with his betrayed spouse (he's in for a long, long time of questions and anger directed at him, maybe she'll eventually dump him because of this huge mistake).

 

If you caught your husband cheating on you, wouldn't you insist he cut off all contact with the OW? Wouldn't you be glad your wayward husband had the strength to break it off with the OW in no uncertain terms?

 

You both knew what you were getting into when you started seeing each other on the sly, behind your partner(s) backs. You had to have known it would end one day, and badly, and that you'd both be driven crazy with thoughts and longing for one another.

 

The simple truth is you both should have left your marriages before being committed to one another, if commitment was what you were looking for.

 

But I would think most married men aren't exactly looking for another commitment.

 

You sound stable, accepting, and remorseful, inasmuch as one can on an internet forum, and I wish you the best. Please don't ever cheat again, just do the right thing and leave first.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I hate when they say they went back for the kids. This is code for you to keep the candle burning in the window for them. I want you to know this. If he truly wanted to end it with you, he would have said, I love my wife and need to work on my marriage. But he didn't because he wants to keep you there waiting.

 

In no way do I say that to give you hope. As someone who just wasted an entire year because of this passive aggressive behavior from xmm, I do not want you to do the same.

 

I know this because my H said that to his OW - I love my wife and we need to work it out; I'm not leaving her. He cut it off 100% and today she has a boyfriend and moved on with her life. By contrast, xmm told me all year, 'I am not in a position to leave right now.' If I could go back a year, I'd go NC immediately. Like you, I had LC due to a work thing which is now thankfully coming to an end.

 

 

My advice is to think about how you can end any form of contact. Spare yourself the future pain.

 

Welcome to LS

Edited November 18, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[FlemishSwanSong]

Thank you for your reply Southern Sun and your welcome. Your words and comments are very sensible. I've never had an A before. It wasn't thought through, but just evolved. There really was only one outcome, I just never really considered. How stupid!

 

It was a double DDay, both partners were terribly hurt. As you say NC makes total

sense for him, but my God it hurts and is hard. Long term I'm sure it will be easier on me. The bubble has burst and there's no going back! But I still feel so disappointed about that.

 

Thank you for kind and helpful words.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you for your reply Southern Sun and your welcome. Your words and comments are very sensible. I've never had an A before. It wasn't thought through, but just evolved. There really was only one outcome, I just never really considered. How stupid!

 

It was a double DDay, both partners were terribly hurt. As you say NC makes total

sense for him, but my God it hurts and is hard. Long term I'm sure it will be easier on me. The bubble has burst and there's no going back! But I still feel so disappointed about that.

 

Thank you for kind and helpful words.

 

Are you married? What are you doing about your own relationship?

[FlemishSwanSong]

Thank you CommitedToThis. The experience has been so personally painful and difficult for those around me I don't think I could ever self inflict this again! The problem is does anyone do it deliberately? Don't you just swept along when you are in a bad place?

 

I agree about the NC, my husband did have an affair - either twice or one that lasted a long time (obviously with the same woman). They worked together and I never could enforce NC. I didn't tell the AP H, I wish I had, but at the time I didn't want to destroy the other family. My H took delight at trying to destroy my xMM relationship with his W, though my H failed and they are still together.

 

Ultimately A just create one giant mess and in my limited experience turn good people into monsters.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you CommitedToThis. The experience has been so personally painful and difficult for those around me I don't think I could ever self inflict this again! The problem is does anyone do it deliberately? Don't you just swept along when you are in a bad place?

 

I agree about the NC, my husband did have an affair - either twice or one that lasted a long time (obviously with the same woman). They worked together and I never could enforce NC. I didn't tell the AP H, I wish I had, but at the time I didn't want to destroy the other family. My H took delight at trying to destroy my xMM relationship with his W, though my H failed and they are still together.

 

Ultimately A just create one giant mess and in my limited experience turn good people into monsters.

 

Of course people do it deliberately, don't be naive. xMM told me he had been looking for a LTA for over 5 years. It was no accident on his part, it was a long thought out play of words and actions. Women tend to say they just got swept along but that is kind of a cop-out to avoid dealing with the reality that we made choices along the way which brought us to this moment. It also will make you feel like a victim and this only will delay your healing.

 

Obviously you see your affair was a RA, right? Have you dealt with your husband's LTA with the same woman?

[FlemishSwanSong]

Yes I am married MidnightBlue1980. My H and I were childhood sweethearts and for years have been so close. For the last 5 years it's been turbulent, with an A (s?) on his part, drinking (him again!) and lack of interest displayed by me. Now my A. Despite this, he wants once last attempt to make it work.

 

I've had plans to leave, stay, leave...if I felt total regret and still didn't secretly have feelings for my xAP it would be easy to stay. I keep hoping they're fade and my affection for my H will grow. It's all a slow process.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes I am married MidnightBlue1980. My H and I were childhood sweethearts and for years have been so close. For the last 5 years it's been turbulent, with an A (s?) on his part, drinking (him again!) and lack of interest displayed by me. Now my A. Despite this, he wants once last attempt to make it work.

 

I've had plans to leave, stay, leave...if I felt total regret and still didn't secretly have feelings for my xAP it would be easy to stay. I keep hoping they're fade and my affection for my H will grow. It's all a slow process.

 

Does your husband still work with the OW?

 

BTW, the drinking is often connected to the affairs, when they end men are not typically good at dealing with their feelings and they drink to cope. (Sorry to any men reading this, obviously its a huge generalization, I do know men who are in IC but a lot do bury their feelings in the bottle)

[confusingme]

Hi OP,

 

I know how you feel and I know it will not be easy for you to forget about him. It is impossible to forget about him.

 

Please think two ways:

 

1. See the best of him, he's been good to you, he's given you good memories. But also he is someone else's husband, now free him and let him to be the good husband, if you love him, let him be in the right place. You don't want him to be looked badly if you truly love him.

 

2. See the worst of him, he's left you, he's given you only cold shoulder, all the good things he has said to you now only seem like lies, and you feel ashamed. You feel like crap. And of course, a huge loss. But, when he treats you like this as soon as dday happens, then think it twice: do you want this man who doesn't care about your feelings like you care about him ?

 

I was in an affair couple months ago, it was merely 2 months, but trust me, I was in hell as well. And I know how much worse it is for you since you had been known each for more than 10 years ! That's something.

 

I'm not trying to tell you it's easy, it is not. It's the most difficult thing in our whole lives. And even after you have got over it, you would still feel a stain on your soul. And I assume it would be there forever...

 

But do trust me: time will heal.

Go NC, you have to. My exMM gave me NC, but I called him after 3 days, then he called me in 2 weeks. I felt like in heaven when I finally got to talk to him again on the phone...however, later it turned out, it was nothing but dragged you back to the other direction and put you back into hell.

 

Focus on the right direction (your brain know which direction is the right direction), you can grieve, you can cry, you can vent, you can be crazy, you can go low, but remember, DO NOT LOOK BACK. ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT !

 

It will be like pure hell, you would hold your phone all day expecting his call. But he will not.

And even if he calls, what can you get ?

Continue the affair ? You already got caught, you would get caught again.

Be friends ? Rethink if you can still be friends ?

Just checking if each other is doing fine ? What's the point ? And NO, if you keep talking to each other, you will NOT do fine.

 

Keep talking to each other will ONLY PULL YOU BACK TO THE WRONG DIRECTION.

 

Tell yourself "It's okay, it's gonna be difficult."

 

I suggest you turn you phone off for couple days, keep it away from you, if you can. (leave it in the car, just don't bring it with you. I did it and it helped me a lot.)

 

However, I know it's easier said than done.

I give you my best wishes and hugs !! Keep strong, your OM is NOT with you anymore.

You need to clear him from your mind. Follow your brain, not your heart at this time.

[FlemishSwanSong]

I think it's quite individual MidnightBlue1980. I certainly never intended or considered having an A. It evolved with us gradually getting closer. Once those feelings had begun to intensify, I was certainly no victim, I was fully in it and willing! But reaching that stage had not been deliberate and was very much small steps.

 

My H affair was detected in 2011 and 2013. I never fully knew how far things had gone, and working together they had plenty of chance to agree stories. He was desperate to make the marriage work each time and we did! Obviously not well enough. Both times it felt like we'd recovered, but the A (and now mine) creates some major ructions, which probably don't take much to blow open.

 

The xMM comments about trying to make it work for the children I think are as you say. It keeps me just a bit hopeful. Will he come back? (I know of course not, and I should not want him. At this stage part of me still does). So many of these MM are so cunning. I hope he says these things and isn't deliberated playing me, but I think men just think differently. Control is part of the A relationship. For me I thought it was finding someone special and love. Yes naive! We'd been friends for so long, I always thought he'd demonstrate emotional honesty.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think it's quite individual MidnightBlue1980. I certainly never intended or considered having an A. It evolved with us gradually getting closer. Once those feelings had begun to intensify, I was certainly no victim, I was fully in it and willing! But reaching that stage had not been deliberate and was very much small steps.

 

My H affair was detected in 2011 and 2013. I never fully knew how far things had gone, and working together they had plenty of chance to agree stories. He was desperate to make the marriage work each time and we did! Obviously not well enough. Both times it felt like we'd recovered, but the A (and now mine) creates some major ructions, which probably don't take much to blow open.

 

The xMM comments about trying to make it work for the children I think are as you say. It keeps me just a bit hopeful. Will he come back? (I know of course not, and I should not want him. At this stage part of me still does). So many of these MM are so cunning. I hope he says these things and isn't deliberated playing me, but I think men just think differently. Control is part of the A relationship. For me I thought it was finding someone special and love. Yes naive! We'd been friends for so long, I always thought he'd demonstrate emotional honesty.

 

There is so much here and you are new to LS, so I don't want to come across as harsh in the written form, so don't take this as harsh but I think you are in massive denial about your husband's twice affair with the same woman - as a WS yourself, you MUST see the draw that exists between two people in an affair. Working together, the affair almost always restarts.

 

I also think you do not see the connection between your having an affair and your husband's affair. I am not saying you deliberately had one like you are this horrible person, obviously I had an affair myself, if you've read any of my thousand posts on the topic.

 

You are in the fog now over this guy, which is normal, I was there for a long time. I don't know much about your xmm but yes, they do play you and yes, they typically come back.

 

Does your H still work with the OW? Do you still work with the MM?

[elaine567]

We'd been friends for so long, I always thought he'd demonstrate emotional honesty.

Why did you think a married man cheating on his wife would show YOU emotional honesty? You are correct you were naive.

I think dealing with MM should be taught to girls in schools, so many otherwise very intelligent women get caught up in this and it is almost wholly a disaster for them.

The only women who do well in affairs are those who treat the MM like a FWB and basically do not care a damn about him.

Everyone else seems to get very hurt and damaged in some way.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Why did you think a married man cheating on his wife would show YOU emotional honesty? You are correct you were naive.

I think dealing with MM should be taught to girls in schools, so many otherwise very intelligent women get caught up in this and it is almost wholly a disaster for them.

The only women who do well in affairs are those who treat the MM like a FWB and basically do not care a damn about him.

Everyone else seems to get very hurt and damaged in some way.

 

There should be a giant LIKE button for this.

[FlemishSwanSong]

Thank you for taking the time to give such a helpful reply Confusingme.

 

You're right, NC is good. It already feels a bit better this week. We've had very LC, and now our work is totally separated there will be NC. I can tell by the cold way he has emailed me this week that he will not try to make contact. As you say this is a good thing.

 

In my heart of hearts I'm disappointed by that idea. But I need to follow your (a) or (b) suggestion. I'd like to think I can go for (a) and just want the best for him. I don't think hes a bad person and is probably hurting too as his world came crashing down on DDay.

 

I totally agree too about my head being in charge this time. The heart didn't do a brilliant job last time. I'm going to pay attention to and remember your own experiences that you've shared. I hope time is helping you and that your are healing now.

[FlemishSwanSong]

I can see your logic completely Elaine567. I believed the things he said to me because we'd been friends for so very long, always good friends. He'd shared so much with me over the years, we'd both supported each other over some major changes in our lifes (as friends, boundaries were never overstepped).

 

So when the A developed, I felt secure in trusting him. Yes he was committing a totally distrustful act against his wife. On the one hand you can logically argue that that makes him untrustworthy. However, I rationalised that in this way. The W certainly couldn't trust him, but he hadn't demonstrated dishonesty to me (we were in it together), and I could trust him.

[FlemishSwanSong]

MidnightBlue1980 - neither of us work with our exAP now. Having been through the experience myself, I can see the strength of the draw back to the AP. I don't think my H is in any danger of going back.

 

I don't think they are related. It was 3 years ago and we'd really recovered pretty well. But due to a change in my H work circumstances he'd begun drinking and consequently had become difficult to live with. My xAP also had changes at home. These two situations coincided. We were both in a bad place at the same time. That's why the A happened, we were a comfort for each other. There'd always been a physical attraction (never acted upon) and emotional closeness. Wrong place, wrong time!

[FlemishSwanSong]

There should be a giant LIKE button for this.

Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post

Why did you think a married man cheating on his wife would show YOU emotional honesty? You are correct you were naive.

I think dealing with MM should be taught to girls in schools, so many otherwise very intelligent women get caught up in this and it is almost wholly a disaster for them.

The only women who do well in affairs are those who treat the MM like a FWB and basically do not care a damn about him.

Everyone else seems to get very hurt and damaged in some way

 

There should be a giant LIKE button for this.

 

I know what you mean in that so many OW (me included) get duped. I had a few friends that did tell me it would end in tears, they warned me and said it like it is. They were SO right. I just think you don't believe it, you only believe it when it happens. Those girls at school would never believe their teachers!

[malvern99]

I don't think they are related. It was 3 years ago and we'd really recovered pretty well. But due to a change in my H work circumstances he'd begun drinking and consequently had become difficult to live with. My xAP also had changes at home. These two situations coincided. We were both in a bad place at the same time. That's why the A happened, we were a comfort for each other. There'd always been a physical attraction (never acted upon) and emotional closeness. Wrong place, wrong time!

 

None of that has anything to do with why the A happened. That's just window dressing. You have to look deep within yourself for the answer, because no external factors made you have an A. The same is true for your husband. You both chose to have affairs. They weren't mistakes or fate or any of that junk. You both made deliberate, conscious choices to do what you did.

 

From your posts, I get the distinct sense that you no longer love your husband. If this is true, why stay married to him? Do you think you can get your love for him back? If you do, it won't come back while you are still pining for your AP. As long as you are still obsessed with him, the A is ongoing, because as you yourself intimated, you'd jump right back in if AP came back. How long ago was your DDay?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I can see your logic completely Elaine567. I believed the things he said to me because we'd been friends for so very long, always good friends. He'd shared so much with me over the years, we'd both supported each other over some major changes in our lifes (as friends, boundaries were never overstepped).

 

So when the A developed, I felt secure in trusting him. Yes he was committing a totally distrustful act against his wife. On the one hand you can logically argue that that makes him untrustworthy. However, I rationalised that in this way. The W certainly couldn't trust him, but he hadn't demonstrated dishonesty to me (we were in it together), and I could trust him.

 

Realize that you being friends for so long and your trust in him is the reason he picked you for the affair. It would take so much longer to meet a new person and groom her. If you read here, almost none of us met some guy in a hotel bar and shacked up with him. It was almost always someone with whom we trusted as a friend. Our defenses were down and they knew it.

 

Let me ask you - is he not particularly good looking?

[FlemishSwanSong]

Realize that you being friends for so long and your trust in him is the reason he picked you for the affair. It would take so much longer to meet a new person and groom her. If you read here, almost none of us met some guy in a hotel bar and shacked up with him. It was almost always someone with whom we trusted as a friend. Our defenses were down and they knew it.

 

I've certainly read MidnightBlue1980 that most develop from friendships. I'm just not convinced that the A was preconceived on his part (or mine). He is a good looking and has always had female interest at work. He would have been aware of some of it. Through our long friendship I'd always found him attractive and during the A he said the feeling were mutual. However, never acted upon. It was only once we had shared how our own relationships were going that it developed. This conversation had happened with a few other close friends present. So, knowing how things evolved, grooming just isn't right in this instance.

[FlemishSwanSong]

Realize that you being friends for so long and your trust in him is the reason he picked you for the affair. It would take so much longer to meet a new person and groom her. If you read here, almost none of us met some guy in a hotel bar and shacked up with him. It was almost always someone with whom we trusted as a friend. Our defenses were down and they knew it.

 

I've certainly read MidnightBlue1980 that most develop from friendships. I'm just not convinced that the A was preconceived on his part (or mine). He is a good looking and has always had female interest at work. He would have been aware of some of it. Through our long friendship I'd always found him attractive and during the A he said the feeling were mutual. However, never acted upon. It was only once we had shared how our own relationships were going that it developed. This conversation had happened with a few other close friends present. So, knowing how things evolved, grooming just isn't right in this instance.

None of that has anything to do with why the A happened. That's just window dressing. You have to look deep within yourself for the answer, because no external factors made you have an AThe same is true for your husband. You both chose to have affairs. They weren't mistakes or fate or any of that junk. You both made deliberate, conscious choices to do what you did.

 

From your posts, I get the distinct sense that you no longer love your husband. If this is true, why stay married to him? Do you think you can get your love for him back? If you do, it won't come back while you are still pining for your AP. As long as you are still obsessed with him, the A is ongoing, because as you yourself intimated, you'd jump right back in if AP came back. How long ago was your DDay?

 

Certainly some things to thing about malvern99 from the points you raise. For my part I think my internal feelings of unhappiness, loneliness at home made me much more interested and influenced when someone else -xAP made me feel happy initially just through our friendship, which became more significant and then later he fulfilled those more emotional and romantic needs. The external factors are most certainly linked. I'd always found him attractive. Over the years we've had so many opportunities to develop a relationship, but as I said before it was feeling at similar way at the same time.

 

As for my husband, I'm hoping the feelings will come back and rifts will heal. It's a slow process and my feelings aren't consistent. My feelings for my xAP are a problem, but also reducing. DDay was a month ago. Although I haven't seen him since, we've shared work emails, so LC. Yesterday was the beginning of NC as our jobs are now completely separate.