Clueless Friend

[lisamo]

Hello.

I am a 21 year old, female. I am in love with my best friend. This probably sounds like a cliche but it is true. I really do love him. For the first time in my life, I have never felt so safe and comfortable with anyone. Never in my life did I actually saw myself with a future with a partner of some kind.

We met Jan of 2015 on tinder. I was on it because weeks prior I have broken up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend of 3 months. I am not the type for "hooking up." I like stability. I like structure. I like consistency. Why was I on tinder if I like all of those things? I was desperate to erase the memories of that ****ing *******.

I am not one to easily open up to someone. I don't really like talking about my true self. It's rather scary for me. Talking to someone on the phone without actually knowing who they are gives me great anxiety. When I first met my best friend, all we did was text and sometimes talked on the phone (sometimes for 3 hours straight). We would talk everyday. During these talks time would fly by so quick neither of us noticed. We eventually met and got to know each other more. Everything was going great, I really thought I finally found someone decent to be with.

Not sure how but all of sudden, he would talk to me as often. I started initiating conversations more than. It made me really sad. He always told me that he would be there for me. Which he has. The issue is, is that I have grown really strong feelings for him and he has placed me in this friend zone. Which is ironic because in the beginning I kind of put him in the friendzone, as well.

I stayed with him because he has a special place in my heart that I cannot let go. Another reason is because, maybe one day would be together and if I leave him, I miss the chance. I feel like if I don't do anything, he'll find interest elsewhere. Losing him would also mean losing my one true friend. I really do love him. I want to tell him, but I am terrified. I wanna be with him, but I don't want to scare him or feel pressured.

I don't know what to do. Can someone help me?

[Satu]

Here's some advice that you might not want or agree with:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if the breakup was particularly traumatic.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

- Satu

 

 

Take care.

[JewelD]

You met on Tinder? Were you on there looking for guys to date? It sounds like you both didn't consider each other a match, romantically anyway.

 

How is he clueless if you guys met on Tinder? I'd imagine he knows there's some physical attraction at the very least.

 

The only way to know is for you to ask. But you should be very sure that you really want to date him and that it's not feelings that came about because you're lonely or the dating scene is dry for you right now.

 

If he says no, there is always that risk that the friendship will either become very strange or just end eventually. You can't undo it once it's done. Just ask him if he sees you as more than a friend and see what happens.

[spiderowl]

I would recommend that you decide he is not the one for you, make yourself scarce and not spend time talking with him unless he initiates it. He might just be starting to take you for granted if you are initiating everything.

[RebelSoul]

You met on Tinder? Were you on there looking for guys to date? It sounds like you both didn't consider each other a match, romantically anyway.

 

How is he clueless if you guys met on Tinder? I'd imagine he knows there's some physical attraction at the very least.

 

The only way to know is for you to ask. But you should be very sure that you really want to date him and that it's not feelings that came about because you're lonely or the dating scene is dry for you right now.

 

If he says no, there is always that risk that the friendship will either become very strange or just end eventually. You can't undo it once it's done. Just ask him if he sees you as more than a friend and see what happens.

 

I agree. Ask. I asked my best friend and he knew I was interested and we gave it a try, it wasn't awkward. We went on one date, then he said he never felt anything more than friendship with me (he knows and has known I have feelings for him). I'm getting divorced, and I seeked him out as a friend when we met but ultimately developed feelings. It wasn't because I'm lonely, but because I genuinely am drawn to him. I'm letting him go and moving on but we're still friends as hard as that may be for me to do. It's still not awkward despite that but it did raise my guard against my heart a bit.

[GunslingerRoland]

I feel like women sometimes feel like that if they throw themselves at a man and the man doesn't reciprocate that he's clueless. When really a lot of men just don't like to reject a woman and aren't interested.

 

You guys met on Tinder, he instantly wanted to friend zone you. Don't assume he's clueless, assume he's not interested unless you see something that says otherwise.

[preraph]

I'm having trouble telling from your post. Have you ever met your best friend face to face? Sorry, it's just the way things were phrased, and it matters. If not, do you skype or facetime? Just trying to make sure you know who this person is. It's very easy to fill in the gaps you're not seeing with all the perfect stuff that is in your head about the ideal person. So just want to be sure you two are actually hanging out in person and are truly real-life friends and not just online.