help!!....on the edge of break-up!!

[totally confused]

I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for almost 4 months now and we started off the first 2-3 months very much in love. We wrote at least two emails to each other everyday while also talked on the phone for at least 2 hours everyday. It was a little more than a week ago when she was still telling me how much she loved me and missed me. Then yesterday she messaged me saying that she wanted to break up. She said that it was because of her loss of feelings for me. She felt that the spark and excitement that was initially there when we first dated and got together was gone.

 

After my shock, I began wondering whether this was caused by the fact that she might have started taking me for granted and the challege that existed before, when we just started dating, was gone. I got this idea because she wanted to break up with me the day right after I sent her a whole-page-long typed letter of how much I loved her. It also happened before, that whenever I told her that I loved her, she wouldn't be too enthusiastic about it. But after a few days when I'm not so romantic with her and don't bring up that kind of stuff in our conversation, she would randomly, out of nowhere, say that she loved me, or that she missed me very much. All her previous relationships have been very short, lasting only 2-3 months average, which gives me the feeling that she does not understand true love yet, and believes that love is only that initial intriguing spark of challenge at the beginning. Or am I the one that does not understand the meaning of love?

 

So my question, I beg that you would take the time to answer since you have already read so much, is whether I should break-up with her or not. She had brought it up and we talked about it, but didn't reach any conclusion, except to give each other some time and space. I want to be mature and understanding, so if I believe that she truly doesn't have any feelings for me left, I would be willing to break up with her, since I understand that for a relationship to work out, the feelings have to be mutual. But I am confused and wonder if it is only the distance and the lack of challenge that is causing her to feel this way. That when I go back home in 2 months and see her in person again, these feelings would come back again since we could go out on dates again etc., and that I would be happy that I had hung on to this relationship. Please help me. Thanks.

 

-totally confused

[=)]

What kind of a relationship does she want with you? Does she want to get serious? I think she got scared when you wrote her a page about how much you love her. She can't handle it and she might not want to hurt you in the long run. If she told you that she lost feelings for you, then you would have to let go. I would ask her why she would lose feelings for you so quick after you wrote your one page letter.

I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for almost 4 months now and we started off the first 2-3 months very much in love. We wrote at least two emails to each other everyday while also talked on the phone for at least 2 hours everyday. It was a little more than a week ago when she was still telling me how much she loved me and missed me. Then yesterday she messaged me saying that she wanted to break up. She said that it was because of her loss of feelings for me. She felt that the spark and excitement that was initially there when we first dated and got together was gone. After my shock, I began wondering whether this was caused by the fact that she might have started taking me for granted and the challege that existed before, when we just started dating, was gone. I got this idea because she wanted to break up with me the day right after I sent her a whole-page-long typed letter of how much I loved her. It also happened before, that whenever I told her that I loved her, she wouldn't be too enthusiastic about it. But after a few days when I'm not so romantic with her and don't bring up that kind of stuff in our conversation, she would randomly, out of nowhere, say that she loved me, or that she missed me very much. All her previous relationships have been very short, lasting only 2-3 months average, which gives me the feeling that she does not understand true love yet, and believes that love is only that initial intriguing spark of challenge at the beginning. Or am I the one that does not understand the meaning of love?

 

So my question, I beg that you would take the time to answer since you have already read so much, is whether I should break-up with her or not. She had brought it up and we talked about it, but didn't reach any conclusion, except to give each other some time and space. I want to be mature and understanding, so if I believe that she truly doesn't have any feelings for me left, I would be willing to break up with her, since I understand that for a relationship to work out, the feelings have to be mutual. But I am confused and wonder if it is only the distance and the lack of challenge that is causing her to feel this way. That when I go back home in 2 months and see her in person again, these feelings would come back again since we could go out on dates again etc., and that I would be happy that I had hung on to this relationship. Please help me. Thanks. -totally confused

[Dragonflys]

Hi

 

I suggest you just start making yourself a little scarce and slowly work on getting yourself meeting other people again. I've been here..these 2-3 month sparky types just do not change. There is nothing YOU can do except keep her interested by being less available. The longer you pine away and wait for her to change the more hurt and resentment you will feel and the less likely it is she will change at all. I KNOW!.

 

She might stick around if you make yourself a challenge, so use the extra time to meet other people and look for something more deeply fulfilling and reliable. She will see the change in you and she may respond, but she may not..at least by then you may have moved on some and can handle it when she gallops away to find a 'new' dude.

 

Oliver

[Ed]

It's really hard to tell why things have gotten to this point.

 

I think you have covered most of the possible reasons why things are this way. The only thing you did not comment on is how much you actually see her in person. Your post sounds like you have been having a cyber romance with little person to person contact. If that's the case, it could be another possible cause. In addition, she could have met someone at home that she is interested in. Or it could be any combination of all these things.

 

Your question of "whether I should break-up with her or not?" is sort of invalid. It sounds like she is making that decision. You can't do much about it. A more rational question would be "whether I should let go of her or not?" My answer to that is "Yes". She is free to choose anything she wants. If she chooses to break up, the best thing for you to do is move on. You have already professed your love. What more can you do?

 

I think you realize some of the mistakes you may have made. Don't get too mushy, too soon. You don't have to tell someone you love them all the time and you can, actually, live without her! Learning how to balance this takes time, practice and maturity. Don't be too hard on yourself if this relationship doesn't work out. Just take this experience and learn from it, then try to do better, either with her or someone else.

[totally UNconfused]

Thanks =), Oliver, and Ed for all your helpful advice. I have decided that I will first take Oliver's advice and try to shift my center of attention away from my girlfriend for a while. I have decided to pick up basketball again and be more social rather than just sticking with my close friends. Then probably in a few weeks, when I have settled down again and like Ed said, know that I can live without her, I'll ask her again whether anything has changed during these weeks that I have made myself more of a challenge. If not, I will let go since I totally agree that "she is free to choose anything she wants."

 

In case any of you were wondering, she is 2 years younger than me and we went to the same high school. I'm now in college and she's still in high school. I think she had a crush on me before but I never really noticed her until we went to the winter formal together, when I went back home during winter break. I go back home every summer and winter vacation so I probably see her about 4 months out of the 12, so this isn't really falling in love with someone I didn't know online.

 

But anyways, thanks again for all your replies.