I slept with my GF's friend

[dklaw]

I have been with my gf for 11 months, sort of. She was raped early on and the relationship went into the dumps after that. I'm nothing more than a presence in her life. She is nearly 30 weeks pregnant once it's over I'm out. She is giving it away for adoption, and it's probably not even mine. I'm forced to stick around until she gives birth and hands the baby over.

 

I went to a party last week and drank a lot. I slept with who I thought was a random woman. I left while she was sleeping, so she may not remember me. I saw her today with my GF and they are friends. I've never met her before and she didn't seem to recognize me.

 

Should I talk to this girl and make sure she doesn't say anything? Or leave it in case she doesn't remember me?

[Angelmist]

I have been with my gf for 11 months, sort of. She was raped early on and the relationship went into the dumps after that. I'm nothing more than a presence in her life. She is nearly 30 weeks pregnant once it's over I'm out. She is giving it away for adoption, and it's probably not even mine. I'm forced to stick around until she gives birth and hands the baby over.

 

I went to a party last week and drank a lot. I slept with who I thought was a random woman. I left while she was sleeping, so she may not remember me. I saw her today with my GF and they are friends. I've never met her before and she didn't seem to recognize me.

 

Should I talk to this girl and make sure she doesn't say anything? Or leave it in case she doesn't remember me?

 

 

I think you should jus leave it. Why would you bring it up if she appears to not remember u.

[zenon]

Why are you stuck with her? It's up to her to have a support system, either in the form of friends/family or a therapist after what happened to her. It doesn't sound like she's going to get much emotional support from you, anyway. Do you use protection (meaning the baby would likely not be yours)?

[Space Ritual]

I have been with my gf for 11 months, sort of. She was raped early on and the relationship went into the dumps after that. I'm nothing more than a presence in her life. She is nearly 30 weeks pregnant once it's over I'm out. She is giving it away for adoption, and it's probably not even mine. I'm forced to stick around until she gives birth and hands the baby over.

 

I went to a party last week and drank a lot. I slept with who I thought was a random woman. I left while she was sleeping, so she may not remember me. I saw her today with my GF and they are friends. I've never met her before and she didn't seem to recognize me.

 

Should I talk to this girl and make sure she doesn't say anything? Or leave it in case she doesn't remember me?

 

 

 

Man up and admit this to your girlfriend. She has a right to know what kind of jackass she is dating along with what kind of friend this chick is to your GF.

 

I say this time and again because it seems like people under 30 seem to not understand the concept of what constitutes boundaries in a relationship. Hell many people over 30 don't either, but to defend them a bit usually they are just straight up stupid and have the emotional faculties of a Walnut.

 

I do not know which to laugh at more, the fact that you are going to take the time honored "I was wasted" route, or the fact that you went to the default wondering aloud about the strategy of attempting to swear this chick to silence.

 

Do you have any common sense, kid? You don't crap where you eat and you don't bang your GF's friends. Man that is about as stupid as stupid gets.

 

If you have any integrity and an brains left you will just come clean with your girlfriend and allow her the right to know just what kind of company she is currently keeping. Especially when she is carrying a child.

 

I was a victim of Double Betrayal and I'l tell you one thing. It would have made things a hell of a lot clearer and easier to digest had I heard it from the horse's mouth as opposed to wading knee deep into horsecrap.

 

Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our actions regardless of whether or not those actions are positive or negative.

 

You do realize if she finds out from anyone but either of you two it is going to be exponentially worse for everyone involved, right?

 

There has been some real dandys come through here the past month or so, but you are vying for the Title Belt. Jeeze...lol.

[Clockwork]

If the baby is yours you can raise it.

[dklaw]

I think you should jus leave it. Why would you bring it up if she appears to not remember u.

 

The only reason I was thinking of bringing it up, was in case she was pretending to not know me just like I was with her. But if I think about... She screwed her friends boyfriend, she isn't going to want to say anything.

 

Why are you stuck with her? It's up to her to have a support system, either in the form of friends/family or a therapist after what happened to her. It doesn't sound like she's going to get much emotional support from you, anyway. Do you use protection (meaning the baby would likely not be yours)?

 

I'm stuck because apparently I'm a huge dickwad if I leave my raped and pregnant girlfriend. My family, hers are all "You better stand by her until that baby is out, in case it's yours". Regardless of the DNA, she is giving it away. She isn't even going to have it tested. It theoretically could be mine, we had sex the day before and I didn't pull out. But she was raped by a group of men.... there was far more of a sperm sample from others. It doesn't matter because she's giving it away and I don't want a baby anyway.

 

 

 

It's a new relationship and we haven't had sex since May. We are hardly in a relationship, of course I'm going to get those needs met elsewhere. I'm 26 not 50, I have needs. What happened to her sucks and it's horrible and she will probably never be the same again. But we hardly knew each other when it happened.

 

In her friends defense, she didn't know who I was, we had never met. She was just as wasted as I was and I left right after, chances are she doesn't remember me.

 

If the baby is yours you can raise it.

 

I don't want a kid, at all. That's not even an option.

Edited November 19, 2016 by dklaw

[introverted1]

I'm stuck because apparently I'm a huge dickwad if I leave my raped and pregnant girlfriend. My family, hers are all "You better stand by her until that baby is out, in case it's yours". Regardless of the DNA, she is giving it away. She isn't even going to have it tested. It theoretically could be mine, we had sex the day before and I didn't pull out. But she was raped by a group of men.... there was far more of a sperm sample from others. It doesn't matter because she's giving it away and I don't want a baby anyway.

 

It's a new relationship and we haven't had sex since May.

 

You've been together for 11 months and last had sex in May, which is presumably when she was raped since there is a possibility you are the father. That means you were together 5 months before the rape. Granted, that's not a lot of time together but for you to say "But we hardly knew each other when it happened" is not exactly accurate, either.

 

We are hardly in a relationship, of course I'm going to get those needs met elsewhere. I'm 26 not 50, I have needs.

:sick:

 

You seem to be really lacking in empathy. I can't imagine how your presence is in any way soothing to this woman. There are DNA tests that can establish paternity before the baby is born so waiting for test results isn't a reason to hang around.

 

As for whether to tell her, my vote is no. She has enough to deal with -- gang rape, unfeeling bf -- without finding out about this.

[dklaw]

You've been together for 11 months and last had sex in May, which is presumably when she was raped since there is a possibility you are the father. That means you were together 5 months before the rape. Granted, that's not a lot of time together but for you to say "But we hardly knew each other when it happened" is not exactly accurate, either.

 

We were both students, we didn't exactly spend everyday all day with each other. We were both very busy. 5 months when you hardly spend any quality time together is nothing. Then she gets gangraped and knocked up?

 

You seem to be really lacking in empathy. I can't imagine how your presence is in any way soothing to this woman. There are DNA tests that can establish paternity before the baby is born so waiting for test results isn't a reason to hang around.

 

As for whether to tell her, my vote is no. She has enough to deal with -- gang rape, unfeeling bf -- without finding out about this.

 

I don't act this way in front of her. I'm just done at this point I want it over.

 

The DNA doesn't matter. She is giving it away regardless. Her family doesn't understand that but that is what she wants. She is NOT even having it tested. She'll give birth and hand it over to the family she picked. She doesn't want to know the DNA, doesn't want to see it or hold it. She didn't even want to know the gender but a ultrasound tech messed up. The only reason I'm stocking around is because I'm a POS to the world if I don't. And my family thinks she will change her mind when she gives birth.

 

I'm not generally an *******, but I am worn out and over it. I feel bad for her and this sucks for her. But it's not my responsibility to be glued to her for the rest of my life.

[Herbalist]

This is some next level cringe up in this thread.

 

Stop being a coward and end the relationship. Why are you so scared of people thinking you're a bad person? You're letting other people's opinions rule your life, and then doing things that actually make you a bad person with your double life shenanigans. Grow a spine and end the relationship, just be polite but matter of fact about it. "This relationship isn't healthy for me and I am not emotionally invested in it, I need to break it off, I wish the best for you as you recover from your trauma." Done and done. Then it won't be morally wrong when you have sex with random people at parties.

[Timshel]

We were both students, we didn't exactly spend everyday all day with each other. We were both very busy. 5 months when you hardly spend any quality time together is nothing. Then she gets gangraped and knocked up?

 

I don't act this way in front of her. I'm just done at this point I want it over.

 

I'm not generally an *******, but I am worn out and over it. I feel bad for her and this sucks for her. But it's not my responsibility to be glued to her for the rest of my life.

 

I would want for you to reflect on the bolded over time. It is highly inappropriate and is nothing short of rage on your part.

 

It is unfortunate that both families have subjected this woman to maintain any relationship with you as it is clearly in neither of your best interests.

 

Your 'gf' needs intensive therapy for these traumatic events.....being gang raped, an unwanted pregnancy and the process of adoption.

 

It is not your responsibility to be glued to her for the rest of your life, true. The sooner you are away from her the better off she will be, imo.

 

There is a possibility that this child is yours...given that, you may want to demand a dna test. Even though at this time in your life you have no interest, time may change your heart/mind and it could very well haunt you to not know if you have a biological child in the world or not.

[dklaw]

Because.... What if when that kid is born she decides she's keeping it and it turns out to be mine. She says that she's giving it away and chose a family. Then I'm stuck with her. Probably would have to marry her. And then what, cheat or deal with no sex for the rest of my life.

[Emilia]

Obviously what happened to her has affected you as well and you are not dealing with it.

 

Has either of you sought some professional help on this?

[Timshel]

Because.... What if when that kid is born she decides she's keeping it and it turns out to be mine. She says that she's giving it away and chose a family. Then I'm stuck with her. Probably would have to marry her. And then what, cheat or deal with no sex for the rest of my life.

 

Do you live in the U.S.? Perhaps you have cultural/religious beliefs/doctrine that would make the above statement understandable to LS?

 

OP, you are 26....that you would feel at the mercy of social pressure at your age for decisions as important as marriage and parenting are a bit perplexing.

 

*If* she decides to keep the child and *if* the child is established as your own through dna testing, the most a man in the U.S. will be held legally accountable for is child support....not marriage.

 

It is disappointing, OP, that you refuse to hold yourself accountable in this situation. You are equally responsible for birth control as any woman you have sex with.

 

When a female and male have sex, there is always some risk of pregnancy and Std's...ALWAYS. The only fool proof is abstinence. At 26, your ignorance is astonishing.

 

Have a dna test to exclude yourself as the biological father and cut all ties with this young lady for her sake. If you are the father and by some chance she decides to keep the child....make support arrangements through the court.

 

Regardless of the outcome, become educated about birth control, Std's and valuing your sexual partners as human beings with equal value to your own self....not as dolls for pleasure.

 

There are consequences for every action you take. You are too old to have mommy and daddy holding you accountable and you stomping your feet like some overgrown brat.

 

Grow up.

[dklaw]

Obviously what happened to her has affected you as well and you are not dealing with it.

 

Has either of you sought some professional help on this?

 

She is in therapy, I'm not - I don't need it. I'm not the one that was raped.

 

I am from the US, Georgia. Both of our parents are Catholic. They are very religious and we were raised the same. My parents firmly believe that if that baby is mine, God put it there and it's Gods desire that we marry. They also think I need to marry any woman I have sex, so to their knowledge I have only had sex with her. Our parents have spoken to each other to try and arrange a marriage for **** sake. They both think we need to take responsibility for our sin of breaking gods law, by marrying. And that if I am not involved I'm not worthy of another woman, and also not worthy because I've had sex. Her parents think the same, she isn't worthy of another man because my penis was inside her. They think if I'm not around she must give it away for adoption because a single parent cannot raise a health child and a woman who sleeps around doesn't deserve the gift of raising children.

 

I'm aware of birth control. She wasn't on anything because she didn't want her family to find out. I used condoms but made a drunken mistake. I took advantage of the situation I was in, she believed me, and wasn't thinking.

[Space Ritual]

Because.... What if when that kid is born she decides she's keeping it and it turns out to be mine. She says that she's giving it away and chose a family. Then I'm stuck with her. Probably would have to marry her. And then what, cheat or deal with no sex for the rest of my life.

 

 

Then be honest with her and leave. Yes you may be 26 and not 50, but you are also 26 and not 15. Start acting like it. And be prepared to be working a lot of extra hours at your telemarketing job selling Ronco Knives to pay child support for the next 18 years.

 

 

You act as if you just expect your gf to "get over" the fact she was raped. It does not work that way, kid. And yes you are still a child, and you don't get a pass in life because you act like a 15 year old.

[l8estnews]

I am also 26 buy let me say that you, kid, needs a LOT of growing up to do...

 

Leave the girl now, and make yourself a better person.

[Timshel]

She is in therapy, I'm not - I don't need it. I'm not the one that was raped.

 

I am from the US, Georgia. Both of our parents are Catholic. They are very religious and we were raised the same. My parents firmly believe that if that baby is mine, God put it there and it's Gods desire that we marry. They also think I need to marry any woman I have sex, so to their knowledge I have only had sex with her. Our parents have spoken to each other to try and arrange a marriage for **** sake. They both think we need to take responsibility for our sin of breaking gods law, by marrying. And that if I am not involved I'm not worthy of another woman, and also not worthy because I've had sex. Her parents think the same, she isn't worthy of another man because my penis was inside her. They think if I'm not around she must give it away for adoption because a single parent cannot raise a health child and a woman who sleeps around doesn't deserve the gift of raising children.

 

I'm aware of birth control. She wasn't on anything because she didn't want her family to find out. I used condoms but made a drunken mistake. I took advantage of the situation I was in, she believed me, and wasn't thinking.

 

dklaw, if nothing else, this painful situation should be the impetus to cut the umbilical cord and establish yourself as an independent person.

 

Your actions from this point should only reflect your own beliefs and values because they will be what you will stand behind for the rest of your life. You are no longer able to say that you did this or that because your parents or friends said so.

 

You will carry the weight of any decision you make, no one else can do that for you....figure out what you believe in and what you can live with because you will live with it.

 

No matter the outcome, treat this woman with dignity and respect. The day will come that you will respect yourself for doing so.

[stillafool]

I have been with my gf for 11 months, sort of. She was raped early on and the relationship went into the dumps after that. I'm nothing more than a presence in her life. She is nearly 30 weeks pregnant once it's over I'm out. She is giving it away for adoption, and it's probably not even mine. I'm forced to stick around until she gives birth and hands the baby over.

 

I went to a party last week and drank a lot. I slept with who I thought was a random woman. I left while she was sleeping, so she may not remember me. I saw her today with my GF and they are friends. I've never met her before and she didn't seem to recognize me.

 

Should I talk to this girl and make sure she doesn't say anything? Or leave it in case she doesn't remember me?

 

Why do you care if she says anything or not? Aren't you leaving your gf anyway once the baby is born?

[smackie9]

Because.... What if when that kid is born she decides she's keeping it and it turns out to be mine. She says that she's giving it away and chose a family. Then I'm stuck with her. Probably would have to marry her. And then what, cheat or deal with no sex for the rest of my life.

No one is holding a gun to your head to marry her. You are an adult, you only need to pay a monthly amount towards food and clothing. Also you have every right to sign over full custody if you wish to have nothing to do with this child. YOU have options too. You don't have to be chained to this relationship or the child if you choose not to. I totally get your position. You are young and have other plan with your life. Sure people will bash you for your lack of empathy blah blah blah but if I were in her position or any other woman's position like this, I wouldn't want someone around that didn't want to properly participate in raising my child.

 

TBH I really don't know why both your families expect YOU to be with her. It's asinine IMO. She needs to be with her family and therapy, group counseling.

 

I think no one else wants the responsibility and dumped it onto you.

 

If it was my daughter I wouldn't want some college student with no life experience being anywhere near her. She would be home with me.

[stillafool]

Because.... What if when that kid is born she decides she's keeping it and it turns out to be mine. She says that she's giving it away and chose a family. Then I'm stuck with her. Probably would have to marry her. And then what, cheat or deal with no sex for the rest of my life.

\

Even if she keeps the kid you are not stuck with her. You are stuck with child support for the next 18 years. Since she has already chosen a family she will more than likely go through with the adoption. Why don't you let her family see her through this pregnancy and you just leave?

[CommittedToThis]

She is in therapy, I'm not - I don't need it. I'm not the one that was raped.

 

To me it looks like you are exhibiting an absurd amount of insensitivity towards what your girlfriend went through; I think having a talk with a professional about how to be more sensitive in light of the trauma your gf recently experienced would help you on your road to maturity.

[smackie9]

OP it's time for you and your GF to discuss the elephant in the room. You both know this relationship was over long ago so it would be wise to talk about breaking up. Offer her to be a supportive friend as she goes through the process of adoption. I understand what she went through was traumatic BUT it doesn't mean you should have to put your life and happiness on hold because of it. You are an adult, you don't need your family or hers to dictate how you are to conduct yourself. You can leave and date others if you decide to. Certainly better to get this out in the open rather than having to worry about being caught cheating......cheating is for cowards.....

[Space Ritual]

I am from the US, Georgia.

 

LMFAO, Now I understand....

[aileD]

You sound like such a prize.

 

Let me speak in terms you may understand: Dump her now. Because you'll just be the asshat who dumped his "raped and pregnant" girlfriend. But if you stay then you'll be the asshat who dumped his raped girlfriend who just gave birth to a kid hat might be yours and handed over her baby to strangers to raise.

 

Plus, she's better off without you.

[frus69]

So much hate in this thread. So much moral shame in this thread, because he couldn't continue loving her after the rape. I wonder how many of you can do it?

 

 

Anyway, really he was not even in a relationship when he slept with the other woman. His relationship died right after the rape. Yeah, he should have verbally ended it as well. OP, I assume your GF knows this relationship is gone right? She's not under the impression you will stick around, right?

 

 

Why was she raped, by the way? Was she out party and getting drunk or was she attacked?

 

 

I feel sorry for her, hope she can learn and get better but OP, there is no need telling her about this woman.

Edited November 21, 2016 by frus69