Give me some hope

[eliturbo]

Hi.

I feel like I need a place to just talk. Maybe you guys can give me a slightly more hopeful look.

Also I feel bad posting in this forum all the time so sorry for that. I feel like I'm always repeating myself and just grabbing attention. Sorry.

 

Every since my ex broke up with me I'm stuck with the fear of not being happy again or something.

It all started at the beginning of the summer break. Of course, for my the summer break itself is something really nice(yeah, I'm 16). School is really stressful and having a long break from that just makes me happy on itself. However, this time it was much more special than previous summer breaks. It started when I watched a certain series. It was some sort of a romantic drama, and it was the first time I watched something like that. I used to not really be into films and series. But anyways, that series did something to me. It brought up a lot of memories of something that happened to me a couple of years ago. There was a girl I really, really liked, but when I started to get a bit close to her I just gave up on it because I didn't know how and if I should tell her and at the time that hurt more than anything in my life has ever before. I stopped talking to her and just gave up. That series showed a similar scenario. One that I could really find myself in. That brought up a lot of memories and emotions. It was the first time I actually cried because of a series or because of music.

I don't know why but that made me happy in a way. I watched some other series as well, and for a while I felt really happy. I didn't have school to worry about and things were just nice. A couple of weeks later I got invited to a party of a friend. That was where I first met what is now my ex. I saw her there but I just didn't speak to her, that's the type of guy I am. Way too shy. After that party was over I felt a bit bad for a couple of days. I wanted to just start a conversation with her on whatsapp(I had her number through a group chat) but I was too scared to. I think it's weird to just randomly start talking to some stranger. After a couple of days a conversation started jn that group chat, and I joined in. Eventually it was just between me and that girl, and we decided to go on private chat to talk about it further. And that's where it all started. We started to talk a lot (and than I mean like at least 5 hours a day) and I became happier and happier. She also enjoyed those series and we watched some together. I found out that we had so much more in common I could've ever imagined. More than any of my friends. Slowly this grew and at a certain point she started to hint that she wanted a little more than just friends. I couldn't believe that and when she told me she liked my I was blown away. Honestly I didn't think I would've had any chance whatsoever, or even that there was ever going to be someone that actually liked me. Having talked to her that much she just felt perfect after a while.

Everything from the start of the break and until we had our first "date" just made me more happy than I ever was in my entire life. I felt emotions I never felt before, met someone who I thought couldn't possibly exist and found a great new hobby. For the first time of my life I could actually say I was happy and that I had everything I wanted.

The RS was bad. After a month she broke up because "It had never felt right". She didn't even have the balls to break up in real life. It went through whatsapp, like everything between us had. We barely were together because, which I found out later, she didn't feel right around me and tried to come up with all sorts of excuses.

Since the RS started until almost two months after the breakup I felt horrible. I feel like things are getting a bit better, but sometimes I fail to give myself enough hope. My life now is just normal. Same daily routines, same everything. Just like it has been for 4 years now. My life felt special for a while, and now I've lost that I just sometimes feel scared that I'll never be that happy again. First time I felt like that, but I don't see a reason I ever will again. Meeting someone that feels so perfect again, I don't think that's ever happening again. When I rewatch that series, I notice my special feelings of it have vanished. It makes it all the more painful. That time is over, and I miss it a lot. I go to bed and wake up every day with the feeling of just wanting to be hugged by someone and being told that it's all gonna be fine, and it's sometimes driving me crazy. I'm a bit weird, I know.

 

Maybe you guys can give me some hope, I don't know. I don't know if it's right to think this way. I'm just scared I won't be as happy again and will never meet someone like that again. It's probably not true, but I can't convince myself that sometimes.

Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling

[Miss Clavel]

you are going to have to change. yourself. mostly because you can't change anyone else and your happiness can not depend on anyone else.

 

you might want to start by putting yourself "out there".

 

 

hell, we probably know more about how you felt about her then she did.

 

work on that.

[BAcK]

C'mon buddy. You are very young. At that age i was more worried about missing football than anything else. Enjoy your life. The best thing you can do is to enjoy your teenage years. It will never come back.

[Superchicken]

Read the last post about what he said..

He is correct.

For Pete's sake dude, you freaking 16.

I was mucking around with my mates and getting into "Minor" troubles at your age..

I didn't have a "Serious" girlfriend till I was 20, and that ended 2 years later..

 

 

Yeah, I know it sucks.. But, two things to do.

1, DO NOT talk or see your ex. Your emotions will come back fast and hard.

2, Take up a past time. For myself, I did body building, and this made me more confidant and yes, many women find that someone that looks after themselves, tend to be nice people (But there are some bad eggs there).

 

 

Go to the gym, pump some iron, even with a mate or two.

After that go to parties, see your mates elsewhere, and just enjoy your time as a 16 year old. You have so much life left dude, don't piss it away on a wasted cause of a Beeyatch and her attitude.

 

 

Go have fun !, and LIVE, LAUGH, and PARTY.

 

 

Ted.

[eliturbo]

you are going to have to change. yourself. mostly because you can't change anyone else and your happiness can not depend on anyone else.

 

That's what I'm trying to do with all my might. People here have been giving me that advice and I see that that is the way forward. It's not that I have any idea what to do, but all I do now I try to live my life like I always have. I'm trying to worry about this stuff as little as possible. In the evenings that is nearly impossible, but I guess I'll get over that one day also. I don't want to be dependent on someone like that again because that was pretty bad.

All I do now is continue my life like I always have. I don't know if that is good or not.

[eliturbo]

Read the last post about what he said..

He is correct.

For Pete's sake dude, you freaking 16.

I was mucking around with my mates and getting into "Minor" troubles at your age..

I didn't have a "Serious" girlfriend till I was 20, and that ended 2 years later..

 

 

Yeah, I know it sucks.. But, two things to do.

1, DO NOT talk or see your ex. Your emotions will come back fast and hard.

2, Take up a past time. For myself, I did body building, and this made me more confidant and yes, many women find that someone that looks after themselves, tend to be nice people (But there are some bad eggs there).

 

 

Go to the gym, pump some iron, even with a mate or two.

After that go to parties, see your mates elsewhere, and just enjoy your time as a 16 year old. You have so much life left dude, don't piss it away on a wasted cause of a Beeyatch and her attitude.

 

 

Go have fun !, and LIVE, LAUGH, and PARTY.

 

 

Ted.

 

Don't worry, I'll never talk to her again if I don't have to. I am sorta over that stage. Luckely we aren't at the same school and we live pretty far from eachother. Quite a big chance I'll never even see her again.

 

Yeah, I've got to do something indeed. I don't know what but I'll see what I'm gonna do.

 

This whole thing just still hurts a lot and all I can see I can do about it is just live my life like I always have. Pull through those days where I feel horrible and see that things get better. Sometimes I just lose a little bit of hope though. I don't know of that attitude is the right one.

[Superchicken]

Grab your mates, and go to the cinema.

Watch a Action packed movie and take your mind of things for a day.

 

 

Do something, it really helps. The more you do, the less you think.

 

 

Ted.

[Herbalist]

For most people, break ups hurt. If you continue to pursue a mate throughout your life, you will experience this multiple times over the years. It's normal and okay to feel hurt/sad by it. You're just processing it, and eventually you finish processing it and the pain goes away. When you go through a breakup, you just need to keep moving forward with your life. Hobbies, friends, work/school, etc. Your brain will handle the processing in the background as time goes by. Just keep on keepin' on.

[eliturbo]

For most people, break ups hurt. If you continue to pursue a mate throughout your life, you will experience this multiple times over the years. It's normal and okay to feel hurt/sad by it. You're just processing it, and eventually you finish processing it and the pain goes away. When you go through a breakup, you just need to keep moving forward with your life. Hobbies, friends, work/school, etc. Your brain will handle the processing in the background as time goes by. Just keep on keepin' on.

 

There's nothing else to do than just to continue. Like I said, if I feel bad for some time I've just got to sit it out and try to take my mind off things by getting some distractions. If I look very objectively I do notice I'm already making progress. Not much, but still. I just hope that simply going on with normal stuff is enough. It's gonna happen that I have days that I keep on thinking about this. I hope that I'm not holding myself in place by doing that and that I'll just be stuck with this forever. But like I said, there is nothing else to do. I don't know what else I could do to continue with my normal life and maybe look for some more things to keep myself busy.

[eliturbo]

I'm having a bit of a breakdown here.

It just never seems to end. The last couple of months have just been straight up torture. It's like marching on, wounded, just for the heck of it. Hoping and trusting in something you cannot see, suffering tremendously on the way. What if it's not even there? What if it's there but I can't reach it? People say I've got to stop thinking about it, but I clearly can't. Whatever I do, the pain is always waiting for me at the end of the road. Heh, I even seem to be searching for it. Searching to torture myself. I'm just holding back myself. Listening to music and watching series I watched with her just because... I don't know. I look for things that make me cry every day.

There's nothing I can do. I seem to be too weak to get over this. What if I'm still in the same state as I am now 5 years from now? I don't see how I could forget her. I get reminded by myself every evening. I wake up with the same feeling.

The last couple of months, I just don't know what to think of it. My head is a mess. Never ending ups and downs. Everytime I'm in an up, I think stupidly of myself when I was down. Everytime I'm down, I think stupidly of myself when I was up. No matter how positive I am, I always end up down again. I can't trust my own thoughts anymore. Every time I think I may have found a solution. A way out of this horrible situation. A certain mindset, a certain positive progression I seem to notice, anything. Truth is there never is a way out. There is no solution. I'm literally going crazy. I can't explain what's going on in my head. All I know is that I can't take it anymore.

This fight seems so futile. There is no reward. The reward I'm looking for is the wrong one and it'll never be there. My mindset is completely ****ed up. I just don't know what to do anymore. Both going on and giving up is not the way. I don't want to endure this crap for a amount of time which could pretty much be infinite for all I know.

I just don't know anymore.

 

 

I'm sorry

[NopeNah]

Just a thought,buddy... How about a part time job? Make some cash and have something to occupy your time. I wish I had worked more when I was your age! Then I would have stayed out of trouble/bad habits.

[eliturbo]

Just a thought,buddy... How about a part time job? Make some cash and have something to occupy your time. I wish I had worked more when I was your age! Then I would have stayed out of trouble/bad habits.

 

Friends and family have been pushing me to do this for over a year now. Perhaps I should finally give in

[Superchicken]

Listen, I'm not religious. Science is my education, and so I believe once your dead, your DEAD. No life after death, or re incarnation rubbish (Sorry to those who believe in their Gods).

So, about 10 years ago, I started to think about my mortality (Death !).

Holly crap I thought, as I'm getting older, I'm getting closer to dying. My life will be over. No family, no pleasures, etc.

It started to depress me, as all I have to look forward to is "Darkness and nothingness. I will cease to exist, just worm food. It stated to depress me more and more.

Still does, BUT ONLY if I make myself think about it that way. So I accepted it as part of life, and that while I'm freaking here on earth, I will enjoy the living crap out of it.

So, I stopped thinking about it that way, and focussed on things that occupied me, and made me move forward and most of all, being happy with my age and life. I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

So what you have is just a little pimple on your face. It will go away either by itself in time, or faster if you apply a little "TLC". Same for your sorrow.

So stop feeling sorry for yourself, and sulking, and in no time, you will again find some one new. You already found one (Although short lived), so you know you can do it again.

 

 

Ted.

[eliturbo]

Listen, I'm not religious. Science is my education, and so I believe once your dead, your DEAD. No life after death, or re incarnation rubbish (Sorry to those who believe in their Gods).

So, about 10 years ago, I started to think about my mortality (Death !).

Holly crap I thought, as I'm getting older, I'm getting closer to dying. My life will be over. No family, no pleasures, etc.

It started to depress me, as all I have to look forward to is "Darkness and nothingness. I will cease to exist, just worm food. It stated to depress me more and more.

Still does, BUT ONLY if I make myself think about it that way. So I accepted it as part of life, and that while I'm freaking here on earth, I will enjoy the living crap out of it.

So, I stopped thinking about it that way, and focussed on things that occupied me, and made me move forward and most of all, being happy with my age and life. I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

So what you have is just a little pimple on your face. It will go away either by itself in time, or faster if you apply a little "TLC". Same for your sorrow.

So stop feeling sorry for yourself, and sulking, and in no time, you will again find some one new. You already found one (Although short lived), so you know you can do it again.

 

 

Ted.

 

I know where you're coming from. I have already experienced it's my own way of looking at the situation that determines how I feel about it. It seems to be like a game. How long can I stay positive until I break down again. I don't know if it's me that's not strong enough to keep myself positive, or something else. Maybe I'm doing it on purpose.

I know what to do but I feel like I can't. I don't know why. I just don't do it. That's the reason I suck so much in this. Whenever I have gone down the dark path once again I feel like there is no reason to look at it positively. It's like getting derailed. Its really hard to get back on the rails and stay on there.

I've also had the thoughts of death a lot. Sometimes its depresses me as well, but like you said, only if I look at it that way. I don't see death as something scary or so. It's not like you can miss your life or your friends and family once you're dead. Once you're dead, it's done. But living in the moment and trying to be happy, I just can't always succeed in that. And if I can't, then why go on at all?

There is always something else that gets me down. Sometimes I manage to push away the thoughts and stuff, but sometimes I just feel like I can't do that and there I go again. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Edited November 21, 2016 by eliturbo

[Cheryl11111111111111]

My mental health nurse came in this morning. I was cut of ow and though what is going on. Stress everywhere and I was on my way to make a call. My former coworker really loves to beat me down and bully me. I have been bullied by family members, my own child and these men and I know I have so much improvement for myself but I also know that I am doing the things I should have done years ago now. I also know I am a smarter person. I was leaving and my mental health worker showed up. I said I can't afford a phone my love. Life has been crazy and she came in as I poured her a cup of coffee and she said "how are you so happy". I said because I am happy. I am in a better place then most people will ever be with the exception of a few. I said I am happy because I know where I am going now and now that I am aiming for this all, these are just obstacles. I said everything you believe that is causing you to feel unhappy is a lie. She's got the government taking big chunch off her check and I owe the government just 300 dollars. I said you know what, you believe you need all of these things you are going without but you don't. If you were happy at the time this debt was made, you wouldn't be in debt. We make poor choices based on a belief that we need this and that but we don't. We need purpose and we need to know we are going somewhere and that is all we need. Many people have it better then me but I have it better then others. I do not do things for attention, I am being very honest. This guy think I am a looser then leave me al one. chunch off check. That's the right spelling, no?

Edited November 21, 2016 by Cheryl11111111111111

[Cheryl11111111111111]

J will hate this but I also do believe in spiritual. I defiantly do but I don't believe that heaven is a place. It's just to unreal knowing there is water under ground, under clay and space above the sky.

 

Unless we die and are invisible spirits go to an invisible place but that doesn't make sense either. I do believe in God. I do believe in darkness. You bet your ass I do. I don't believe that heaven is a place where we all meet. I do believe in reincarnation. I think the world is limited with souls for certain. I am way not for you!

[Cheryl11111111111111]

I do not know about the reincarnation sometimes but I think there are billions of beings. How many souls do you think there are. We're only year 2016. We're not even billions and billions of years into the human form yet are we are since Christ! in 1800 live was different so what is the purpose of live. We seem to think we've been here for billions of years already.

[Cheryl11111111111111]

I am pissing you off. You cleary don't like my believe system and the od part is, instead of leaving me alone. You want me to block you out of jealousy because your with someone else. How many days has it been. 3 years.. 900 and some odd days. I slept with Matt. remember Fabio asked me to invite him on a hike. What was the entire point. It's a waste of everyone's time and your money. I don't listen to you!

[eliturbo]

Okay, I've got to calm down a bit. Things went to my head again. I'm just not gonna think too deeply about it now.. Let's see how long I can hold out this time.

[Superchicken]

I am pissing you off. You cleary don't like my believe system and the od part is, instead of leaving me alone. You want me to block you out of jealousy because your with someone else. How many days has it been. 3 years.. 900 and some odd days. I slept with Matt. remember Fabio asked me to invite him on a hike. What was the entire point. It's a waste of everyone's time and your money. I don't listen to you!

 

Errrr, WHAT ?..

 

 

I really must have missed something here ?.

Even with Superchicken power, I cant understand this post..

 

 

Ted..

[Superchicken]

Okay, I've got to calm down a bit. Things went to my head again. I'm just not gonna think too deeply about it now.. Let's see how long I can hold out this time.

 

Theres a reason they call your feelings a "Roller Coaster Ride".

Kapish !. You feel OK one minute, and KAPOOT the next.. Over and over.

 

 

Its not going to get better for sometime, but you just need to control it a little better.

 

 

Ted.

[eliturbo]

Damn rollercoaster. Everything is fine now. I'm once again trying my hardest to stay positive.

This afternoon I was riding my bike for a while alone since I had just finished my piano lesson and I had to go home. You know, cycling is a death trap. Way too much time to think. This always happens to me at tuesdays when I have my piano lesson. I ride my bike, thinking about my current situation and, I know I shouldn't, about her aswell. It was tough again this time. I did my best to change my thoughts to something else but that just doesn't work. I almost cried there. But I didn't. I thought: "Yeah well let's not do that again. Let's see what happens if I try not to get bothered by it too much. Sure, it hurts. It feels like a concrete block of 10 tons on my shoulders, but the fact that it's there doesn't mean I should feel terrible about it". It worked, kinda. When I got home I went on doing the things I like. I didn't have homework so I played some games with a friend. Enough distraction.

Tonight I went for a walk in the dark outside. I listened to some music. Music normally is a trigger for me. The lyrics of some songs just get to me a lot. But this time I tried to just enjoy the music and the outside. I put up a smile, even though I didn't feel like smiling too much. For some reason that really does make you feel happier.

The words "stop feeling sorry for yourself" were really present in my head today for some reason. I try not to think about it, but I felt like mentioning it anyways.

Now it's that time in my bed again. I feel like crying again, but I don't know if I should do that. That may just derail me again, which I don't want to happen.

Okay, so is this something weird about me? I feel like I WANT to cry. Like as in that it makes me feel nice for some reason. It's sad on one hand, but on the other I still want it. I want to listen to music which makes me emotional. I want to watch films and series that make me feel like that. Is that weird?

 

So anyways, things went okay. I picked myself back up yesterday and today things went well because of that. Let's hope things will stay like this, even though I have a guarantee that it won't.

[eliturbo]

Yesterday and today were once again "normal" days. That doesn't mean there wasn't much fighting with myself. 'Cause there was quite a lot of that again.

 

Yesterday I went to buy a game. Pokemon moon to be exact. It was just released and I've been waiting for that game for like a year or something. I've always been a big fan of pokemon games from very young age. But this was one of those difficult things again. The first conversation I ever had with my ex was about this. She turned out to be a huge fan as well. She was even more excited about this game than I was and she always used to draw stuff from it and show it to me. I just couldn't help but to think "She's probably also playing it right now". It was just one of those moments that sorta got me thinking about everything if I didn't do anything about it. However, I had some distraction, the game I just bought. That helped me to not think too much about it I guess.

 

This morning while preparing to go to school some words of what she said when she broke up with me popped into my head for no reason. Also a bit painful. She still was so nice after she said all that. I see why of course. I once again tried not to think about it too much.

 

This afternoon at school also sucked. I had quite a long day. I notice that my mood gets worse at around 3 pm until dinner. Might be tiredness from school or hunger. Anyway, I really couldn't push away my thoughts. The lesson was boring, I was tired and there wasn't anything else to think about. Luckily I was in school, meaning I couldn't just start crying there in the middle of a lesson. I guess that helped me to not go too far again.

 

The point is, I do notice that I succeed in trying to think about other stuff and being positive longer, but it seems to get harder and harder the longer I try it. This is what I noticed before. At a certain point I just break and give in. That's when I get so down and out of control. I'm trying my best, I really am, but I don't know how long I can last.

Having ups and downs might be normal, but those extreme moments I have sometimes where I just totally go crazy and don't understand whats going on inside my head, is that also normal? You can read what goes around inside my head in one of my previous posts. The one where I just totally gave up. That's not normal, is it?

You guys said I need to learn to control this a little better, but I don't really know what it means to be in control more. Right now I feel like I am a bit in control, but I also feel like thw wheel could slip out of my hands at any moment.

[Superchicken]

I keep saying this to many people. Stop looking at it as "Poor me", "What did I do to deserve this", etc..

Put a different spin on it. Say to yourself, because it is true, "Why am I feeling bad for this "Person", then say "Your loss (Hers)", and be calm, saying over and over, "If you don't want me, your loss".

 

 

Again, when I was dumped, I made sure NOT to get her back with her. Dropped ALL contact from her. I just fell of the side of the earth when it came to her.

Kept thinking "Screw you.. No, I'm not even going to get upset". I didn't, as I just kept saying to myself "No, don't think of it" over and over. Sometimes for 20 minutes at a time. You tend to get tired of hearing yourself, and stop. But by then, the feelings gone.

 

 

If you get in the downward spiral again, and need someone to hear you, just keep posting here. There are many of us to help you along on this struggle.

Remember, say "Its not me with problems".

 

 

Hope your liking the game. My son never leaves his room now that he has his own PC. All ONLINE games.. He's become a hermit.

 

 

Ted

Edited November 25, 2016 by Superchicken

[eliturbo]

I keep saying this to many people. Stop looking at it as "Poor me", "What did I do to deserve this", etc..

Put a different spin on it. Say to yourself, because it is true, "Why am I feeling bad for this "Person", then say "Your loss (Hers)", and be calm, saying over and over, "If you don't want me, your loss".

 

 

Again, when I was dumped, I made sure NOT to get her back with her. Dropped ALL contact from her. I just fell of the side of the earth when it came to her.

Kept thinking "Screw you.. No, I'm not even going to get upset". I didn't, as I just kept saying to myself "No, don't think of it" over and over. Sometimes for 20 minutes at a time. You tend to get tired of hearing yourself, and stop. But by then, the feelings gone.

 

 

If you get in the downward spiral again, and need someone to hear you, just keep posting here. There are many of us to help you along on this struggle.

Remember, say "Its not me with problems".

 

 

Hope your liking the game. My son never leaves his room now that he has his own PC. All ONLINE games.. He's become a hermit.

 

 

Ted

 

I think I deserve every single bit of this. My behaviour has been horrible I think. Basically from the point I met her I had to start dealing with emotions and stuff which I never had before. These ups and downs I am having now started when I met her. I deserve this because the way I thought I had to deal with this just bothered her. I would feel down and talking to her would be my medicin. I used her almost as a therapist, which is horrible. Honestly, I don't fully now why I did that in the first place. Even until today I still feel like I am doing that. Not to her, but to other people. I have a friend I talk to a lot, he must be tired of me by now. I feel like I am just trying to get attention or something. I'm truely sorry for the people I did this to.

 

I've always been a very close person. With that I mean I don't tell many people what's going on inside my head. There were so many things I have never told anyone. There were so many questions I had about certain things, and I just wanted to talk to someone about that stuff. She always knew exactly what I needed to hear. To the point where I would just be blown away every single time. But like I said, I feel horrible about what I've done. I knew I shouldn't have opened up to someone, especially not someone I don't even know for that long. My behaviour is disgusting.

 

Because of that you could also say it's not her loss. She didn't care much. It's not like she gained anything from this whole thing. The only thing she got was a broken, over-emotional retard. I think she's happy she got rid of that. No matter what way you look at it, I only lost. Maybe the only thing I gained is the fact that I might be able to move on now and hopefully make myself better.

 

There is this thing I'm having where it just seems like I WANT to get upset or something. It keeps nagging me all day, and after a couple of days of being positive I give in. It's like I want to cry. As if it's something I enjoy.

 

But yeah, I'm enjoying my game a lot. When I met my ex I had a bit of a hole in my life. My main hobby, gaming, was not as attractive anymore because there were no games I seemed to enjoy. It was in the middle of the summer break, so I also had way too much time on my hands. I'm happy I'm finding some games that I enjoy again. It gives me a good form of distraction and also something to look forward to.