Give me some hope

[Superchicken]

First thing, STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN.

You will never get over anything about yourself if you keep putting yourself down.

Instead :

Realize you have a problem (Which you know you do).

Second, understand why you have it (Your nearly there I think).

Third, work out a solution to it.

Fourth, work out a plan to administer it.

Five, analyse you outcome every week/day, and redo the entire process again and again.

In the end, you will have completed all your goals, and come out a better person than you are now.

 

 

Sorry this sounds so "Procedural", but its a bad habit from being a Owner/manager of a couple of business's for many years. However, both have same results. It worked for my employee's, so maybe help you too.

 

 

So go ahead, and write down the things you have found out about yourself, and how you may want to improve them for yourself.

Put a time table to it, and get to work on knocking those off.

 

 

Also, go look in the mirror, at yourself (For real). I will bet, you will say to yourself, "Your pitiful". "Your an Idiot", "Why".. Hopefully you will take that to heart, and get some confidence to change your mood back to "Feeling Better".

 

 

Anyway, you made the first step, and that's seeing what a goose you have been. Be happy you've accomplished step one.

 

 

Ted.

[eliturbo]

First thing, STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN.

You will never get over anything about yourself if you keep putting yourself down.

Instead :

Realize you have a problem (Which you know you do).

Second, understand why you have it (Your nearly there I think).

Third, work out a solution to it.

Fourth, work out a plan to administer it.

Five, analyse you outcome every week/day, and redo the entire process again and again.

In the end, you will have completed all your goals, and come out a better person than you are now.

 

 

Sorry this sounds so "Procedural", but its a bad habit from being a Owner/manager of a couple of business's for many years. However, both have same results. It worked for my employee's, so maybe help you too.

 

 

So go ahead, and write down the things you have found out about yourself, and how you may want to improve them for yourself.

Put a time table to it, and get to work on knocking those off.

 

 

Also, go look in the mirror, at yourself (For real). I will bet, you will say to yourself, "Your pitiful". "Your an Idiot", "Why".. Hopefully you will take that to heart, and get some confidence to change your mood back to "Feeling Better".

 

 

Anyway, you made the first step, and that's seeing what a goose you have been. Be happy you've accomplished step one.

 

 

Ted.

 

I think there are two main problems going onel(which are both sorta the same).

I'm having these ups and downs and the way I deal with those isn't good. I choose to bother others with it too much. Right now I'm slowly learning on my own that dealing with this shouldn't be done through others but I should do it purely on my own (which is kind of ironic since I'm writing on this forum, but I guess I need someone to slap some sense into me every now and then). As the time progresses I must admit I see that it is a mindset thing. It's not really about ability or inability but more of a choice. I can always choose to look at a certain thing from two perspectives. One positive and one negative. The latter is the easy one which doesn't get me anywhere. It's the reason I'm still here today. Choosing to be more positive is something I for some reason don't do enough even though I know I should. I guess I sometimes lose sight of that. Being positive is the way to get me out of this mess. It's not always the easy path but at the end probably the most rewarding.

As to why I think I do this, I'm not sure if it's something I don't know or don't want to realise. For the sake of my mood I'm not going to think that deeply about that now.

 

My mood today has been a bit of a swing again but it was okay I guess. I woke up with a bad mood but gradually it got better. I actually applied for some small jobs today to fill up the weekends. That would probably help in making sure I'm not going to have those weekends of pure nightmarish thoughts anymore. The rest of today actually wasn't that bad. I just did some stuff to keep myself busy and kinda enjoyed myself. Especially this evening was nice. Like I wrote, I can see my mood amd way of looking at things is a choice. Today, just like yesterday and the day before that I've had these moments where I felt a bit worse, but it's really just about thinking "Come on, don't be ridiculous. You know it's not like that and thinking of it that way won't make you happy at all". It's even better not to think at all. Even while I'm writing this post I notice some stuff. This last part of how my day was actually makes me feel better. The first part was a bit of both. It's positive to be working on my problem but it's easy to "derail" and go down the "downwards spiral of doom".

It's a line I keep on repeating in my journal: It's a choice. I can choose to sit here all day complaining about everything and being all depressed and hopeless, but that doesn't make me happy. Thinking more positively(which also includes more confidence) is a somewhat harder way but in the end it's the best.

[Superchicken]

That's great news to hear your getting stronger at fighting back these emotions.

 

 

Have you found yourself now, thinking about her less ?, or at least removing those feelings faster ?.

 

 

Because to me, it looks like your roller coaster ride is slowing down, and approaching the end.

Keep saying to yourself the same thoughts as we said.

You hopefully wont have much more to endure.

 

 

Again, if you feel the need to unload, this place is the best.

 

 

Ted

[eliturbo]

That's great news to hear your getting stronger at fighting back these emotions.

 

 

Have you found yourself now, thinking about her less ?, or at least removing those feelings faster ?.

 

 

Because to me, it looks like your roller coaster ride is slowing down, and approaching the end.

Keep saying to yourself the same thoughts as we said.

You hopefully wont have much more to endure.

 

 

Again, if you feel the need to unload, this place is the best.

 

 

Ted

 

I'm not sure whether I'm thinking about her less. It still happens way too often but the thing that changed is that I cut of the thoughts as soon as I feel it's starting to hurt. In the past things have always gone wrong as soon as I started to think about it a lot. Every once in a while I gave in and went down the spiral again. Right now I could easily fall back, but I won't. So yeah, in that sense you can say I do get rid of the feelings easier.

The reason I used to give in every time I was thinking about her is something that still puzzles me a bit, but it's not a puzzle I'm going to solve. Like I said yesterday, I'd rather not think about it that much. If I can deal with it the moment it comes I don't need to know what's behind it.

 

Looking at the bigger picture the ride is indeed slowing down. Months ago I had more bad moments than good ones and it switched every two days or something. Previously I managed to have a full week without falling down, but than it went wrong again. Right now it's like 4 days? Actually, that is kind of an achievement I guess.

 

The thoughts like "What if this returns when I find someone new?" are there, but I ignore them. Like someone said already, that's something to worry about as it happens.

 

One example of it still happening way too often was yesterday evening when we we're going to a swimming pool. Yeah, in the evening. My parents thought it was nice to do something special, which it really was. But I really started to feel some stuff. We we're sitting in the car, driving along the dark streets with the orange street lights on. It reminded me of the times I was cycling back home late in the evening when I had just been at her house for some time. That reminded me of the last time I was there and I was theorizing about some stuff that happened but I felt that it was best to stop thinking about that. It also reminded me of the time we brought her back home by car, also late in the evening. Almost the same route. Gosh, those times were awkward. I haven't even told you anything about how awkward everything between us was. I must admit, it's my fault for a big part, but her part is also pretty clear. Next time I'll surely do things differently. I guess it takes experience to know your faults and fix them how painful that may be. But yeah, while writing this I'm thinking about it too much again. That's thing about writing, when you write things down you really think deeply on the subject. That's also a part of the mistakes I made. When I felt bad, I would start talking to people through text, which only made me feel worse.

 

Also Superchicken, I would really like to thank you for what you've done already. Thanks for saying this forum is a good place to unload. I sometimes was in doubt whether I should talk about my stuff here at all. I'm a 16 year old in between all these more mature people. Yeah sure, I'm very immature, and I that's the reason I felt a bit out of place. But now I feel a bit better about that so thanks!

[eliturbo]

Okay this is really annoying. I don't know what's wrong, but I feel upset. There isn't anything particular I'm thinking and worrying about, yet the tears are there burning behind my eyes. Maybe that's what happened to me before and that's why I keep on falling back.

Maybe it's because a lot has happened tonight. What I'm about to tell is quite dumb, but that's the way I am. This evening a couple of friends were going to the cinema and they thought is was fun to prankcall me. However, the number of the person who called me was not registered in my phone for some reason. The problem is, the last three digets of his number are the same as the phone number of my ex. I'm very bad at remembering phone numbers, so I only knew the last 3 digets of her number. I guess you could understand how I felt when I saw that number on the screen of my phone.

Who am I kidding? This is just my attitude that is lacking again. Nevermind this, I'll just go to sleep now as it's quite late. I'll write how I feel tomorrow.

Edited November 27, 2016 by eliturbo

[LargoLagg]

Happiness is ephemeral - life can be perfect, and then one day, something unexpected comes along and messes everything up. Expect that you will usually not be completely happy. Something will be wrong with your life. There is always something to work on, something that can be better. People, your life, your family, there's always somebody or something that disappoints. Maybe even your car.

 

Knowing this, and being confident you can cure the latest issue, brings you peace. Helping others and pursuing something noble will fulfill you.

 

But happiness? Forget about it. Also, don't worry about it. Worry about the stuff in front of you, and the future will get better as a result. You might not even make it to tomorrow, so why worry?

[eliturbo]

Happiness is ephemeral - life can be perfect, and then one day, something unexpected comes along and messes everything up. Expect that you will usually not be completely happy. Something will be wrong with your life. There is always something to work on, something that can be better. People, your life, your family, there's always somebody or something that disappoints. Maybe even your car.

 

Knowing this, and being confident you can cure the latest issue, brings you peace. Helping others and pursuing something noble will fulfill you.

 

But happiness? Forget about it. Also, don't worry about it. Worry about the stuff in front of you, and the future will get better as a result. You might not even make it to tomorrow, so why worry?

 

The hardest part is not to worry about it. I see that it is indeed useless to worry about it as I don't know what's going to happen, yet that is exactly what I do sometimes. That's why I try not to think about it at all right now. Just focussing on now. I could start another rant about how I really want to be that happy again and that I fear that's not going to happen, but that only upsets me and doesn't get me anywhere. For now I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and not to worry. However, it still doesn't go as smooth as I would like it to go.

Edited November 28, 2016 by eliturbo

[eliturbo]

As promised, a little word on what happened yesterday.

Like I described, yesterday evening was weird. I just felt bad without any obvious reason why. Really frustrating. What I did was just go to sleep and see how the next morning would be. As expected, the next morning things were a little better. Everything went fine until I got back home from school. When I got home I watched some anime series, which I really enjoy doing. However, this kinda broke me again. It's a very long story and I would rather not talk about it. Anyway, I finished one show which I have been watching for the last couple of weeks and it got me emotional. It just reminded me of my ex and and get really upset of that. After I finished watching I just felt empty and threw myself on the couch. I don't know why. I just couldn't help but to cry a bit and I felt quite bad. I was thinking about stuff again without me being able to stop it. Or so I thought. You see, this always happens. I just give up on the tough act after a while. It feels like the pressure is building up every day I try not to cry or feel bad, and at some point I give up.

After I had lain there like that for about half an hour feeling bad I thought: "I should stop. Giving up now and going down the downwards spiral again would make my past efforts of the last couple of days useless". I got up, went back to my computer and went on watching another (less depressing) show. The rest of the evening I felt okay-ish. I was hotheaded, I admit. Also towards my parents (sorry ^.^). But at least I didn't feel too bad. I didn't think too much about it and I didn't talk to anyone about it. I guess you could say I survived this one for now.

 

Now, I could go on talking about the stuff on my mind now. When I felt that bad this afternoon I had all kinds of theories and (negative) thoughts about myself and my behaviour. It's not good to write them down right? I guess I shouldn't talk about it to anyone. It would just cause myself to think about it too much and I know from past experience that talking often only makes me feel worse.

 

Actually, I just said I survived this but that's not entirely true. The negative thoughts are still there. I ignore them, but it's hard. I feel better, but not fully. I really hope I can just manage to stay strong like I've been for like 5 days in a row now (if you don't count this evening). I just know it doesn't take much for me to fall down into the pit again. But I guess things will get better if I just pull through for now.

 

Sorry for being so vague and stuff.

[eliturbo]

Who am I kidding? I've practically lost. What did I think anyway? That if I held out one more day I would magically be healed? That this would just vanish after feeling good for a week? It's always there and when I try to fight it it just gets stronger and stronger, until I give up.

I feel like there's some stuff I want to say, but I shouldn't. Before it just made me feel worse. No idea why. At some point I should stop bothering others, especially the people I know irl. My parents can't take it, I know that. I've seen twice before that as soon as I show them anything of how I'm feeling, it's all my fault and they get angry and they don't seem to understand. I had two friends that I often talked to when I would feel a bit worse, but both of them seem to be in a depression now or something. One of them is just totally lost in the stress of his school and the other, I don't know but she seems like she's also not in the mood for someone like me to be bothering her. And that is also probably exactly the reason my ex dumped me. And right she was.

Anyways, the point is, I should stop talking. It's not good for me and for my environment. I just don't know what I should do with the stuff on my mind now. Right now I feel quite bad, but I know out of experience it could be worse. When I start talking it gets worse. I'm trying to not think about it but it doesn't seem to work. Staying positive at this stage seems impossible. I'll probably get out of this again in some time, only to be walking on again until I trip and fall once again. I don't see an end to this any time soon at all. Maybe I'm learning, but the fact that I feel like this again doesn't really show I am.

[eliturbo]

Here I am again. Sorry the people who are annoyed by my quick posting.

 

Things are a little better. The previous post was posted in a bit of a "hurry". I had lost it for a second there. The rest of the day continued and it's a bit better. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not nearly there, but at least I've calmed down a little. After having spent my time lying in my bed feeling horrible things just went better. After dinner I played some games which got my mind off things. Now I'm not thinking too much about it anymore. It's still clearly there, but it's more manageable. I hope I'll do better tomorrow, but today and yesterday have just felt like I'm dragging myself along and I didn't feel as good as before.

[Superchicken]

Hi Eliturbo,

 

 

What your doing is a rollercoaster ride as we all know.

One day, the ride will get boring, and that's when you will get off (No pun intended).

Expect a few more of these, but thankfully, they will be fewer, and longer in-between.

 

 

Your 16, when I was 16, I was upset my dad grounded me as much as when I was dumped a few years later. So go figure 16 year olds.

 

 

Don't worry so much about your frequent posts. Even if no one else jumps in, Superchcken will do his bit to help.

 

 

What I like to do when I need to get my mind of things, is to watch "Black Holes", "String Theory", or Universe/Cosmology videos. I have always loved Physics, and Cosmology.

Reason is that once you comprehend what a insignificant little item we are in the scope of things, you kinda wonder, what the heck am I upset over this piddly thing.

 

 

Watch some of those video's, and wonder about that, and NOT her.

 

 

Ted.

[DarrenB]

Here I am again. Sorry the people who are annoyed by my quick posting.

 

Things are a little better. The previous post was posted in a bit of a "hurry". I had lost it for a second there. The rest of the day continued and it's a bit better. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not nearly there, but at least I've calmed down a little. After having spent my time lying in my bed feeling horrible things just went better. After dinner I played some games which got my mind off things. Now I'm not thinking too much about it anymore. It's still clearly there, but it's more manageable. I hope I'll do better tomorrow, but today and yesterday have just felt like I'm dragging myself along and I didn't feel as good as before.

 

This forum is solely for you to gain advice from the community and to document your feelings and emotions. By no means should you feel a burden whilst doing so.

 

I've given you my insight/s on one of your previous threads, so I don't see me needing to re-address and act like a broken record. However, what I will say and what you already know is 16 is incredibly young to feel like this. There's plenty more things to focus on in life, and you'll definitely understand that gradually as you age. A breakup is hard, difficult for anyone... especially when you face personal dilemma's in the process or in the aftermath.

 

Step outside your comfort zone, reflect on what you feel and acknowledge what you already know and express. I'll just be blunt now. You either progress and develop whilst you still have so much youth and potential, or you deteriorate in self-pity until you can no more. I suggest you take the first option. Look to start an apprenticeship, a new study, a new hobby like music or gaming... anything to keep yourself substantially occupied. That way you'll have less things to think about.

[Miss Clavel]

That's what I'm trying to do with all my might. People here have been giving me that advice and I see that that is the way forward. It's not that I have any idea what to do, but all I do now I try to live my life like I always have. I'm trying to worry about this stuff as little as possible. In the evenings that is nearly impossible, but I guess I'll get over that one day also. I don't want to be dependent on someone like that again because that was pretty bad.

All I do now is continue my life like I always have. I don't know if that is good or not.

 

then in the evenings, make sure you have some plan. something to look forward to. reading, watching netflix, posting on here(trying to give back to others that need advice) homework, projects, fixing a garden, fixing your car, folding your laundry. just find something you want to do at night and make a plan to do it. it gives you something to look forward to and it gives you the certainty that you won't get caught looking back.

 

you are going to be fine.

[eliturbo]

First of all, thanks for making me feel like I am not a burden to this forum. I sometimes am a bit afraid that some people just get mad at my frequent posting. I'm always so unstable. One time I say one thing, the other I say the total opposite. My mood can easily be changed drastically. I do my best to control it as much as I can btw. But sometimes I post a lot because a lot is on my mind. That means my post gets bumped all the time. It's really fair to others I think...

 

I indeed have got to find ways to distract myself. Honestly, I'm not doing too terrible. At any time there is technically something I can do. In the weekends I've got to think of something still, but I'm doing my best to get some sort of part time job. I had my first ever job interview yesterday which went fine I guess.

 

Right now I'm doing my best to do things I enjoy doing and just generally be happy but I do realise there's no way I can go back to how I felt before(when I met her and talked a lot to her and stuff) when it comes to happiness. But I can be okay. My life isn't really special right now, just average. Before it was amazing for a short while and it's a pity that's gone now but there's no point being sad about that as that won't change a thing.

 

There's still stuff on my mind but I try not to think about it too much. It probably won't take long until I do, but for now I'm sort of fine so I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

 

Thanks for your replies!

[eliturbo]

I notice I really can't imagine the feeling I had back then anymore. Listening to certain songs doesn't move me much anymore. Or rather, I don't get the same feeling from it anymore which makes me miss those times. I miss them, I really do, but I cannot fully recall what it felt like anymore. I know I felt happy, I know I felt amazing, but reliving that very same feeling seems to get more and more impossible.

Sometimes, at random moments, little pieces of that feeling get thrown onto me. For example, sometimes when I walk into my room after school I remember the times where I would lie in bed all day just chatting with her. I remember I woke up every day at around 9 am, and just started talking to her. I forgot all about breakfast. At around 12 am we were both like: Hm, maybe we should finally take a break and have breakfast 'cause it's already lunchtime. We forgot all about the time. And about eating, eating was weird. I felt sick with everything I ate. It was like I could throw up at any time when I was eating. Even the stuff I normally like. By the way, this was all before I told her anything about my feelings. Then, after breakfast at lunchtime we decided to go watch some anime together but not together. We watched the same stuff at the same time but behind our own computers and talked over skype at the same time. You'll probably think this is ridiculous but I thought it was amazing. One day we had been skyping for 10 straight hours. During that time I think we finished two entire series. Afterwards, it was now 12 pm, I went to bed but still texted for hours. The latest I've been awake doing that stuff was until 4 am I think. The thing is, I couldn't sleep so I figured it would be better to text until I passed out. At least I got a couple of hours of sleep that way. The next day would go exactly the same as the previous. I just felt incredibly happy. In just a couple of weeks she shot up my friends list to become one of the persons I liked the most, also as a friend.

 

This was all before I told her anything. Right after(and them I'm talking about literally the next day) the RS started things went downhill. It started with the fact that she suddenly had a lot less time to talk and to spend together. On whatsapp I was always the one who had to come up with some sort of conversational topic. If I didn't, I figure we would never talk at all. I went on watching the series she had already watched and recommended to me, but this time alone. She has said once that she really liked that I watched some of those series as she finally had someone to talk about them. Someone who was as enthousiastic about it as she was. So that's what I did. I liked them myself, but the main reason I watched them was because of her. That's the way I spend my time when she wasn't around to talk to.

I felt things were wrong but I didn't want to.believe it. I talked to a friend of her and he said it was all probably a miscommunication. I blamed myself for not trusting her fully and I slowly started to break down because of that. The same mood swings I have now also occured then. One time I felt like things were fine and I thought: "You see? It was all in your head. She loves you perfectly fine, she's just a little busy". But then things changed around as I noticed some more weird behaviour. Little things would make me feel really stupid about myself. Every day I seemed to be chasing the feeling I had before but she seemed to move further and further away.

About a week before it ended I was really broken. School had started again, but I couldn't focus. I even cried a couple of times in class. I behaved weirdly in the eyes of my friends who didn't know anything about it. Apart from my parents nobody knew. At a certain day, my parents talked to me. They had noticed I had been down for quite some time and asked what was bothering me. I explained them most of the stuff. I explained that I had no idea what to do about it. It really felt like a dilemma. I could continue with the RS like I had been doing for weeks in the hope things would get better. Or I could break up myself, risking that it really was just in my head and hurting/losing her. I told them everything I was unsure of, and they said that to them it was pretty clear what was going on. Of course I was too stupid to look at it objectively for myself. The heart-head conflict.

Then, together with my parents I decided to just ask her straight up what was happening. We had written a message explaining how I had been feeling and that I didn't quite know what she was up to and why she did what she did. Right before sending it she broke up with me. Over text. Yeah, I know. Honestly, I think it was better that way but okay.

 

From that point on I was hanging on to the feeling I had, but it was slowly slipping through my fingers. And now, the majority is gone. When I miss it, I'm not 100% sure what I miss. I just miss "the way I felt back then" without being able to pinpoint how exactly that felt. And I miss her of course.

 

I have written something similar before, but I felt like writing out all of those memories again. I am wondering if this is a positive step.

Also, is there anyone who recognises this in the slightest way? Probs not.

Edited December 3, 2016 by eliturbo

[eliturbo]

Hi.

I go to bed and wake up every day with the feeling of just wanting to be hugged by someone and being told that it's all gonna be fine, and it's sometimes driving me crazy.

 

Sorry that this might not be related a lot to relationships and such, but it is still something I need to write my thoughts about, because frankly, it's on my mind all day. This BU makes it all the more painful.

 

Yesterday I remembered something. A couple of weeks before I met her something was bothering me. The same thing that bothers me now. I don't like talking about this since I feel incredibly ashamed and I feel a bit like an idiot but it has been up there for such a long time, I've got to get it out somehow. It's basically that quote. It explaines quite a lot.

It might be my age, I don't know. But I really want to hug somebody. Please don't think weird of me. Please.

 

As you might have discovered before, my self esteem is sometimes quite bad. It shouldn't be, and I know that, but sometimes that just happens. I quickly believe I can't do something or am bad at something while I have no reason to. I don't know why I do that. Anyway, my ex would often boost my confidence like no one else could. One example: I have been playing the piano for around 4 years. Sometimes I try to write my own music, but I'm not very good. I once made a base melody but I wasn't quite sure what to think of it. I send it to a friend of mine and he send it to my ex. And that was before I had ever met her. During the party where I met her she came up to me and she said that it was amazing. She said that she thought it was beautiful. I never thought anyone could be as enthousiastic of something I made. This alone gave me enough will power to finish an entire song and even make a second one. That's something I've never been able to do before.

 

Another thing, during the RS my mind was kind of messed up. It was the same rollercoaster ride as now. I often had stuff on my mind that would totally depress me. Talking to her was the best thing in the world at those times. She always knew to cheer me up. No matter what it was. The stuff she said was just amazing sometimes.

 

But now the problem. I feel like an attention seeker. 'Cause I am. The feeling I'm having everyday of wanting to hug somebody and wanting to cry and have them comfort me, that's properly messed up right? I feel like I'm always making a drama out of everything. Or rather, wanting to. I don't know what this is.

I should work on that, I know. I shouldn't use someone as a therapist or something. I feel absolutely terrible for having done that. She even said herself that she was fine with that but of course she wasn't. I just don't know what to do now. I've been like this for almost half a year now. Maybe it just goes away the longer I don't get what I want? Maybe it never goes away...

She gave me what I wanted and I was never happier in my life. I felt like someone properly cared. I never hugged her. Things were too awkward between us and I never could do it. I was too afraid. No idea of what. That is by far one of the biggest regrets of my life, and I even knew that was coming.

 

Now I have double feelings. One the one hand, this is probably not normal is it? I'm probably a bit messed up. I feel like I have problems and I need to work on that but I don't know how.

On the other hand, I am afraid there's not going to be someone in my life every again that made me that happy and that felt so perfect. I know I have problems but I still want that.

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Miss Clavel]

Sorry that this might not be related a lot to relationships and such, but it is still something I need to write my thoughts about, because frankly, it's on my mind all day. This BU makes it all the more painful.

 

Yesterday I remembered something. A couple of weeks before I met her something was bothering me. The same thing that bothers me now. I don't like talking about this since I feel incredibly ashamed and I feel a bit like an idiot but it has been up there for such a long time, I've got to get it out somehow. It's basically that quote. It explaines quite a lot.

It might be my age, I don't know. But I really want to hug somebody. Please don't think weird of me. Please.

As you might have discovered before, my self esteem is sometimes quite bad. It shouldn't be, and I know that, but sometimes that just happens. I quickly believe I can't do something or am bad at something while I have no reason to. I don't know why I do that. Anyway, my ex would often boost my confidence like no one else could. One example: I have been playing the piano for around 4 years. Sometimes I try to write my own music, but I'm not very good. I once made a base melody but I wasn't quite sure what to think of it. I send it to a friend of mine and he send it to my ex. And that was before I had ever met her. During the party where I met her she came up to me and she said that it was amazing. She said that she thought it was beautiful. I never thought anyone could be as enthousiastic of something I made. This alone gave me enough will power to finish an entire song and even make a second one. That's something I've never been able to do before.

Another thing, during the RS my mind was kind of messed up. It was the same rollercoaster ride as now. I often had stuff on my mind that would totally depress me. Talking to her was the best thing in the world at those times. She always knew to cheer me up. No matter what it was. The stuff she said was just amazing sometimes.

 

But now the problem. I feel like an attention seeker. 'Cause I am. The feeling I'm having everyday of wanting to hug somebody and wanting to cry and have them comfort me, that's properly messed up right? I feel like I'm always making a drama out of everything. Or rather, wanting to. I don't know what this is.

I should work on that, I know. I shouldn't use someone as a therapist or something. I feel absolutely terrible for having done that. She even said herself that she was fine with that but of course she wasn't. I just don't know what to do now. I've been like this for almost half a year now. Maybe it just goes away the longer I don't get what I want? Maybe it never goes away...

She gave me what I wanted and I was never happier in my life. I felt like someone properly cared. I never hugged her. Things were too awkward between us and I never could do it. I was too afraid. No idea of what. That is by far one of the biggest regrets of my life, and I even knew that was coming.

 

Now I have double feelings. One the one hand, this is probably not normal is it? I'm probably a bit messed up. I feel like I have problems and I need to work on that but I don't know how.

On the other hand, I am afraid there's not going to be someone in my life every again that made me that happy and that felt so perfect. I know I have problems but I still want that.

 

of course you do sweetheart. that's part of being a human being with the capacity to be happy. however, you gotta be happy on your own. first and always.

 

my advice, and i say this a lot, you need a mantra. make one up, pronto.

 

say it over and over, 100 times a day. it really works!!

 

you can use, "i will get well, i'm worth it, i'm beautiful inside and out, or even, give us this day". i used, "it's over, thee end". later i used, "i'm worth more" only i made myself say it to my image, in the mirror.

 

this helped me so much.

 

i was murdered, robbed and left for dead. along with my orphans, by my husband. my mother was dying. two of my friends lost their daughters that year, one to cancer and one killed instantly, without a goodbye, in a horrid car wreck. both young mothers.

 

hell of a year.

 

the only way to deal with the speed of my PTSD was to use my mantra. as a way to self medicate with meditation.

 

please say you will try it.

 

and please say you will try one more thing for me, anytime you need a hug. ask for it!!!

 

good luck

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[eliturbo]

of course you do sweetheart. that's part of being a human being with the capacity to be happy. however, you gotta be happy on your own. first and always.

 

my advice, and i say this a lot, you need a mantra. make one up, pronto.

 

say it over and over, 100 times a day. it really works!!

 

you can use, "i will get well, i'm worth it, i'm beautiful inside and out, or even, give us this day". i used, "it's over, thee end". later i used, "i'm worth more" only i made myself say it to my image, in the mirror.

 

this helped me so much.

 

i was murdered, robbed and left for dead. along with my orphans, by my husband. my mother was dying. two of my friends lost their daughters that year, one to cancer and one killed instantly, without a goodbye, in a horrid car wreck. both young mothers.

 

hell of a year.

 

the only way to deal with the speed of my PTSD was to use my mantra. as a way to self medicate with meditation.

 

please say you will try it.

 

and please say you will try one more thing for me, anytime you need a hug. ask for it!!!

 

good luck

 

Being happy on my own, that's the part I try not to think about too much. I've been trying here for a while but this is something that doesn't seem to go away. I'm fine, but I always feel like I'm missing something. I really don't seem to be able to do it.

 

I'll try the mantra. Words from myself have never had quite the effect, but maybe I don't try hard enough. But od course I'll try it.

 

Yesterday evening I was in a bit of a panic. I'm very afraid of getting something like hearing damage, and yesterday I got a spontaneous static noise in my right ear which was very hard and wouldn't go away. I think I still hear it but it's not as loud. I probably overreacted. It did make me realise that my situation is very good. I don't have much to not be happy about. Everyone I know is healthy, including me. My school is doing fine. And yet I'm sitting here, complaining about some little thing compared to what the rest of you are struggling with. I'm sorry.

 

And asking for it, I don't know about that. I could try, but something's holding me back.

[Sweetfish]

Sorry that this might not be related a lot to relationships and such, but it is still something I need to write my thoughts about, because frankly, it's on my mind all day. This BU makes it all the more painful.

 

Yesterday I remembered something. A couple of weeks before I met her something was bothering me. The same thing that bothers me now. I don't like talking about this since I feel incredibly ashamed and I feel a bit like an idiot but it has been up there for such a long time, I've got to get it out somehow. It's basically that quote. It explaines quite a lot.

It might be my age, I don't know. But I really want to hug somebody. Please don't think weird of me. Please.

As you might have discovered before, my self esteem is sometimes quite bad. It shouldn't be, and I know that, but sometimes that just happens. I quickly believe I can't do something or am bad at something while I have no reason to. I don't know why I do that. Anyway, my ex would often boost my confidence like no one else could. One example: I have been playing the piano for around 4 years. Sometimes I try to write my own music, but I'm not very good. I once made a base melody but I wasn't quite sure what to think of it. I send it to a friend of mine and he send it to my ex. And that was before I had ever met her. During the party where I met her she came up to me and she said that it was amazing. She said that she thought it was beautiful. I never thought anyone could be as enthousiastic of something I made. This alone gave me enough will power to finish an entire song and even make a second one. That's something I've never been able to do before.

Another thing, during the RS my mind was kind of messed up. It was the same rollercoaster ride as now. I often had stuff on my mind that would totally depress me. Talking to her was the best thing in the world at those times. She always knew to cheer me up. No matter what it was. The stuff she said was just amazing sometimes.

 

But now the problem. I feel like an attention seeker. 'Cause I am. The feeling I'm having everyday of wanting to hug somebody and wanting to cry and have them comfort me, that's properly messed up right? I feel like I'm always making a drama out of everything. Or rather, wanting to. I don't know what this is.

I should work on that, I know. I shouldn't use someone as a therapist or something. I feel absolutely terrible for having done that. She even said herself that she was fine with that but of course she wasn't. I just don't know what to do now. I've been like this for almost half a year now. Maybe it just goes away the longer I don't get what I want? Maybe it never goes away...

She gave me what I wanted and I was never happier in my life. I felt like someone properly cared. I never hugged her. Things were too awkward between us and I never could do it. I was too afraid. No idea of what. That is by far one of the biggest regrets of my life, and I even knew that was coming.

 

Now I have double feelings. One the one hand, this is probably not normal is it? I'm probably a bit messed up. I feel like I have problems and I need to work on that but I don't know how.

On the other hand, I am afraid there's not going to be someone in my life every again that made me that happy and that felt so perfect. I know I have problems but I still want that.

 

Love can be a powerful drug.

 

I don't think your weird. But don't let the pain consume you.

 

The more you make your self stronger and heal..the faster you will find someone else to appreciate you, your music, and give you hugs that you can value.

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[eliturbo]

Love can be a powerful drug.

 

I don't think your weird. But don't let the pain consume you.

 

The more you make your self stronger and heal..the faster you will find someone else to appreciate you, your music, and give you hugs that you can value.

 

Looking at it like being a drug, that's a good one actually. Never saw it that way but it sure is like it

 

I've got to stop thinking about it too much. I've just got to recognise that I may sometimes do some stupid stuff and just change my ways. I think I tend to exaggerate and sometimes make too much of a drama of something, or wanting too at least. I don't know why I do that, but I'll just live on with it and see where I land.

 

I hope I'll find someone else for sure, but I should quit being so obsessed with it. Nothing lasts forever, so it'll in the end just be another disappointment. It's just another element of life, not the reason to live. Thinking about this sucks. All sorts of things come up. I'm still not convinced myself I'll ever find someone again for example. I can start feeling bad about myself, being scared of other things etc. If only I could just put it out of my mind entirely.

 

 

On my rollercoaster, it seems to be getting more manageable. Looking at it things are so much better than before but it is still really annoying. I don't seem to get as depressed and desperate anymore, although I'm not sure how that's gonna be in the future. Still my mood fluctuates quite a lot on a daily basis but it slowly seems to get manageable. At least that's how it feels now.

I'll live on with this terrible feeling. Maybe it disappears slowly or maybe I'll one day find someone. I'm not sure about it but I've got to hope otherwise there is no going forward.

[eliturbo]

I may repeat some stuff from before. Please don't shoot me ^.^

 

Maybe I've finally come to the point where I can say it is indeed improving. If I look back at how the last couple of months have been I can't deny that things are way better than before. The first month after the BU was hell. I had no control over myself and my emotions whatsoever. I wasn't only sad about what happened, but also because I couldn't think straight. I was at a constant fight with myself. Every day I woke up worrying about a new thing or thinking about something I lost because of the BU. I was thinking about how to get out of this as quickly as possible and how to move on. All of this in a crazy rollercoaster of moods.

The second month was the same, except the rollercoaster seemed to have taken a slightly lower pace. Where first my mood would change drastically every day or so, now it was about a week of being positive, followed by some depressing days. It just happened less often, but it was still bad whenever it did happen. I still got stuck on the same stuff as before, just not quite as often.

I'm now in the third month and maybe I can finally officially say that I've been making progress. The strategy of not thinking about it was key. I had to change my attitude to not always dwell when some depressing thoughts came up. I'm not always thinking about it anymore. There are times when I don't think about the situation for many hours in a row and that surprises me. I'm not always theorising anymore, trying to find out why stuff was going the way it was and thinking about the future. Stuff's bothering me from time to time and that sometimes builds up, but after speaking about it, it gets better, instead of throwing me down the downwards spiral.

I must say, things go better but it's not what I expected at all. Now I'm continuing my life like I always have been doing. The pain is there, but it is less "in your face". It's easier to push away and harder to get absorbed in. Nothing has changed from the outside, but in my head things have. I didn't expect it to turn out the way it did.

It's very likely that I will get depressed again sometimes because I believe the rollercoaster isn't stopping anytime soon, but compared to what it was before it's much better.

 

Is it bad to convince myself that I will meet someone great again? Perhaps better than my ex? To me it seems so unrealistic, but others say it isn't. I try not to think about what "better" means or what was so great about my ex, for obvious reasons. But is it bad? Won't I create false expectations or something? I must admit that my "strategy" often is that I shouldn't expect much of anything to avoid let downs. Yeah I know, not very optimistic. I don't have any experience in finding someone new one day. This was my first, so I don't know any better. To me it seems so weird and impossible. I would really like to be able to believe in something, but of course you can never be sure.

I'm not thinking about this all the time, but sometimes. It's not like I am really depressing myself again with it, but it's still something that I question.

 

Thanks =D

[eliturbo]

Things are going worse again. For some reason I felt like talking to a friend, and instantly after sending 1 message I felt this feeling I know so well. A mixture of guilt for bothering them, regret of starting a conversation, self-hatred for always being so down and negative, and of those feelings flying in my face in an instant. That same feeling is gonna hit me after posting this for sure.

I should just calm down for gods sake. I don't understand why I'm doing this to myself again. I did an attempt to get my mind off things but I just stared at my computer screen with tears in my eyes, my head overflowing with thoughts, instead of watching the show. The circumstances haven't changed, so I see clearly this downfall is coming from myself again. That's something at least.

 

I was thinking, right now(and also before), what am I actually worth? In my previous post I wrote about having hope that one day things will be as good again, but at my current state(and the state I have always been in and always will be) I'm no good for anyone. My negative mental traits are too much. There's nobody in the entire world who wouldn't mind being stuck with that. I'm having way too unrealistic hopes. I should change, but it's so hard.

 

*sigh* Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. My head is in that weird state again where I don't know what to do and what to think. I feel like talking or something but every word changes into a huge feeling of regret.

 

I know this is something periodically again and will go away and I shouldn't be bothered too much by it. I know. But right now I just... I don't know.

 

Sorry. For talking myself down again. And being depressed. Again.

Edited December 9, 2016 by eliturbo

[eliturbo]

I hate how this always takes on so many different faces. Every time It's something else. One time I'm bothered by this, the other time I'm bothered by that. Often once I dig real deep it sort of end up the same every time, but it always starts different. E.G. one time I'm worried that I'll never find someone again who can make me as happy as she could(Yeah I know, happiness shouldn't depend on others), and another time I've forgotten about that and am worried that I will never get over this and have issues etc. Now there's something entirely different on my mind. Something new, never thought about it before. The point is, I don't know what to do about it. Is everything I think nothing to worry about? Will it all be fine? Are some of my worries things that I should actually be worried about? I wonder when people are actually gonna give up on me. It doesn't seem like I'm actually moving forward probably.

[Sweetfish]

I hate how this always takes on so many different faces. Every time It's something else. One time I'm bothered by this, the other time I'm bothered by that. Often once I dig real deep it sort of end up the same every time, but it always starts different. E.G. one time I'm worried that I'll never find someone again who can make me as happy as she could(Yeah I know, happiness shouldn't depend on others), and another time I've forgotten about that and am worried that I will never get over this and have issues etc. Now there's something entirely different on my mind. Something new, never thought about it before. The point is, I don't know what to do about it. Is everything I think nothing to worry about? Will it all be fine? Are some of my worries things that I should actually be worried about? I wonder when people are actually gonna give up on me. It doesn't seem like I'm actually moving forward probably.

 

I believe your going thru the normal stages. Think you need to value your self more and accomplish somethings you haven't accomplish yet.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I hate how this always takes on so many different faces. Every time It's something else. One time I'm bothered by this, the other time I'm bothered by that. Often once I dig real deep it sort of end up the same every time, but it always starts different. E.G. one time I'm worried that I'll never find someone again who can make me as happy as she could(Yeah I know, happiness shouldn't depend on others), and another time I've forgotten about that and am worried that I will never get over this and have issues etc. Now there's something entirely different on my mind. Something new, never thought about it before. The point is, I don't know what to do about it. Is everything I think nothing to worry about? Will it all be fine? Are some of my worries things that I should actually be worried about? I wonder when people are actually gonna give up on me. It doesn't seem like I'm actually moving forward probably.

 

Of course you will find someone else. You are going to meet so many women.

 

You need to trust me on something because I am a lot older that you. Okay? This too shall pass.

 

You are going to look back at this and not even remember this girl's last name. The problem is that because you are 16, you have no frame of reference, you don't know that you are going to go through heartache - and break hearts - many times over. You don't know that it will not kill you, that you will bounce back and be stronger each time.

 

I validate your feelings because I was 16 once and I remember what it felt like to have that angst for a boy. You just need to trust me that this is just the beginning of your life. You are going to meet many women and one of them, you will marry, and you will be happy. I promise you.

 

I want to ask, did you talk to your parents about these feelings? I have a son and I would want to know.