How did that happen?

[ophelia99]

Hi people,

 

I'm new, I've been reading the forum over the last couple of nights as I seem to have got into a situation and desperately trying to push a friend's crush on me back into the friendship corner.

 

I have been best friends with Husby for 16 yrs, together for 10 yrs and we've been happily married for 6. In the last 2 yrs our relationship has been tested. Firstly my miscarriage and then this year, 7 months of husband being unemployed whilst I am studying as a mature age student.

 

My previous long term relationship was 11 years long and was psychologically / emotionally abusive. Whilst no direct physical violence, violent outbursts were common, as were threats of suicide from my Ex. I was isolated, not allowed to have a key to my own home, I had to call first to let him know I was coming home from work and had to knock on the door to be let in. He also had my money access card. I didn't realise it was an abusive relationship until I'd managed to exit the relationship and it was a year or two afterwards. I'm a little broken on how people are supposed to behave having no normal experience to guide me - not sure how Husband and I managed to fall in love and marry.

 

I have made a few friends this semester at Uni, one of them being a man similar to my age and in a relationship that mirrored my own first relationship. We got on well, he invited me to a study group which I have been dropping into from time to time when I needed help. Over exam time, I was at the study group almost full time for the last 2 weeks of semester, we all chat about stuff, he and I did get on well, similar humour etc. He would also talk about his relationship problems, either with me or a couple of other friends. A few weeks ago he was flirting with me, then it suddenly went from fun to serious. Now, I have recently lost over 100lbs over the last 15 months so I'm very new to male attention as I hadn't received it before so I didn't really recognise the seriousness of the signs.

 

However, when he actually made a pass at me last week - I freaked out. Went home, spent a sleepless night staring at the ceiling. Next morning, I took husby to work, by the time we'd got our takeaway coffees for the 30 minute drive to his work, I told him everything that had been going on. I admitted to flirting, not thinking anything of it as I didn't understand how emotionally vulnerable this man is. I must emphasise, I have no sexual attraction to my friend, there is an intellectual attraction and I have acknowledged this to my husband, he's OK with the situation and believes I can handle it.

 

I need some help on how to extract myself out of this situation so I don't hurt this man's feelings.

 

Just as an aside here - the fact I really liked hearing the compliments highlighted to me there was a gap in my relationship. So, I have brought this up with hubby. My newly slimmer frame is new to both of us. He met me when I was 350lbs and married me when I was over 280lbs, I"m now 170 (still slowly dropping weight). We both need to get to know the new me.

[oldbutcurious]

SImply avoid the other guy the next time he is around or if he attempts another pass. He will get the message.

[Sweetfish]

I'm confused... one phrase stuck out.

 

"The new me.."

 

It's like your saying the implications that transpired, WILL happen again. That you will flirt again. Not on a conscience level though. But what if someone that was attractive did flirt with you.. what will the new you do? That I believe is the real question.

 

Please tell me if I'm wrong?

[Buddhist]

Just tell him flat out you are happily married and limit future contact.

[TheTraveler]

Just tell him flat out you are happily married and limit future contact.

 

It's really that simple and limit future contact to school only.

 

The question is, you're digging this newfound attention from males. Better question is, your husband also on the same path as you?

[ophelia99]

I'm confused... one phrase stuck out.

 

"The new me.."

 

It's like your saying the implications that transpired, WILL happen again. That you will flirt again. Not on a conscience level though. But what if someone that was attractive did flirt with you.. what will the new you do? That I believe is the real question.

 

Please tell me if I'm wrong?

 

New me is I guess the physical side of me. My beliefs haven't changed - but my physical self is completely different and I'm still having problems dealing with the transition. I'm seeing a therapist for my body image issues.

 

It's really that simple and limit future contact to school only.

 

The question is, you're digging this newfound attention from males. Better question is, your husband also on the same path as you?

 

If I understand your question - I'd like my hubby to dig me more :-) and be a little more vocal. I've said as much to him. In his defense, my mother said to me that hubby didn't marry me for my body. He never gave me compliments when I was big, he still doesn't now.

 

School is on break now and although my friend works in a store near me, there's another one I can go to, so I'll just shop elsewhere. Limiting contact is the best option without being directly confrontational. I've asked a girlfriend's advice and she's provided me with some options too, which include avoidance.

[BluesPower]

Here is what you have to understand...

 

First, the guy, you just need to be straight and say that you do not see him that way and you would not cheat on your Husband.

 

Then, stay away from him, and limit contact.

 

Second, Your husband will have to adjust and so will you to the "new you".

 

You have to understand the your H loved you when you were very heavy and he loves you now. Never forget that. For him YOU have not changed you just weigh less. You should respect and love him for that.

 

However, now you are sexier and you are getting the type of attention from men that part of you always wanted. You must be careful with your emotions. And you must be careful with your need for validation. You can end up in the sack with someone before you realize what you have done.

 

Third, You have to be straight with your H that you need for him to be more affectionate and affirming with you than you used to need.

 

You need more attention and positive affirmation because other men are giving you that attention but you want it from him.

 

Forth, it is so common in situations where one spouse makes life impacting changes, that they feel the other spouse is not enough for them any more and the marriage breaks up. Don't let this happen to you. Be proactive with your husband and make him aware of the new needs that you have in the relationship.

 

Good luck...

[ophelia99]

Here is what you have to understand...

 

First, the guy, you just need to be straight and say that you do not see him that way and you would not cheat on your Husband.

 

Then, stay away from him, and limit contact.

 

Second, Your husband will have to adjust and so will you to the "new you".

 

You have to understand the your H loved you when you were very heavy and he loves you now. Never forget that. For him YOU have not changed you just weigh less. You should respect and love him for that.

 

However, now you are sexier and you are getting the type of attention from men that part of you always wanted. You must be careful with your emotions. And you must be careful with your need for validation. You can end up in the sack with someone before you realize what you have done.

 

Third, You have to be straight with your H that you need for him to be more affectionate and affirming with you than you used to need.

 

You need more attention and positive affirmation because other men are giving you that attention but you want it from him.

 

Forth, it is so common in situations where one spouse makes life impacting changes, that they feel the other spouse is not enough for them any more and the marriage breaks up. Don't let this happen to you. Be proactive with your husband and make him aware of the new needs that you have in the relationship.

 

Good luck...

 

Thank you for your comments. They are very thoughtful and I appreciate the time you've taken to respond.

 

I have started to communicate my needs in greater detail to my husband, I will keep doing so. I felt guilty for liking the compliments, but I also know that I really love hearing them from my husband when he remembers. This is the man I love, even if he is non verbal - his actions tell me how he feels.

 

I'm aware that there's a big chance that my marriage could be at risk due to my massive life change and I know that he probably needs some time to adjust and I want him to adjust faster than he probably is able to at the moment and I need to be patient.

 

We have picked up doing more activities together and spending more time together. Marriage does need maintenance and I'm going to continue to keep it as my priority.

 

Thank you :-)