oldshirt Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 A couple weeks back I posed a question to APs if their MM/MW had offered a 3some or to be the extra in an open marriage, would they have done it. So I figured I would pose the same question here to the BS's. If your WS had come to you before they stepped out and offered an open marriage or swinging or some kind of poly relationship instead of cheating, would you have gone for that or would you have said no? So I guess in other words, if given the option would you have rather opened the marriage up to other combinations and permutations instead of them cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldshirt Posted November 19, 2016 Author Share Posted November 19, 2016 Now before we go any further I want to make clear that I am not pointing any fingers or placing any kind of blame on BS's or implying that their WS would not have cheated if they had agreed to an open marriage/swinging/poly. As a former swinger myself, I do not believe that open marriage/swinging/poly and cheating are related in any way shape or form. open marriage/swing/poly do NOT prevent cheating. I am just asking if they would have taken that option if it had been available? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldshirt Posted November 19, 2016 Author Share Posted November 19, 2016 Maybe a better way for me to have worded this is if your WS had come to you prior to stepping out and said that they could no longer uphold an exclusive, monogamous marriage and presented you the options of open marriage/swing/poly, "don't ask, don't tell" or divorce right then and there, which would you have chosen. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I would have chosen divorce. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Divorce. What I am looking for is a partner, protector, other-half (in a partnership way) etc. I am not looking for a friend or friend with benefits. That's the point of marrying someone anyway. I don't get poly/open marriages, but I am not against it. What will be the difference of having a Significant One and having a Bestfriend if your SO can be shared in that level? Intimacy and emotional exclusivity are the things that make one special, that makes me want to marry one. Opening the marriage is like playing with fire. It's like having 2 phones. There will ALWAYS be your primary driver and a back-up phone, but not 2 at the same time. There's always the preferred one and if I will let my SO get used to this kind of setup, there's a huge chance that I am opening him up to making the "other person" be his primary one. No. Just no. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Well, my H had already seen the OW a few times before I caught him, so I don't exactly fit your scenario but then I let him play out the relationship. I fully believe most of the folks you see here on LS mourning the loss of an AP would have realized pretty quickly that this person was not the amazing person they imagined he/she to be had they actually been able to see him/her in the bright light of day. The secrecy fuels the relationship. It was important to me that my husband decide on his own what he wanted. I was not going to monitor him like a child and create a Romeo Juliet scenario, where I was the force keeping two star crossed lovers apart and in no way did I want a guy staying with me because he felt compelled to do so. Do I wish none of it had happened? Of course. But I had to play the hand I was dealt. I know a lot of others IRL and they just got divorced. It was really a very painful experience for all involved and many people think we are crazy to have stayed with each other. Today though we are much stronger and I really believe neither my husband nor myself would ever do it again. We have agreed to just divorce next time though truthfully, after everything he put up with from me this year, I would pretty much forgive whatever he did. Sometimes you take the long path home. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Maybe a better way for me to have worded this is if your WS had come to you prior to stepping out and said that they could no longer uphold an exclusive, monogamous marriage and presented you the options of open marriage/swing/poly, "don't ask, don't tell" or divorce right then and there, which would you have chosen. If this would have happened BEFORE he cheated, we would have renegotiated our relationship and I would have been MORE open to trying different alternatives. Of course he stated this LONG AFTER he cheated. So he could eff right off. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 If this would have happened BEFORE he cheated, we would have renegotiated our relationship and I would have been MORE open to trying different alternatives. This. Kind of. I'd be open to swinging if he had asked about it before cheating.. Not an open relationship or poly relationships....but if it's just about sex and we are doing it together then I would have considered that. I'm open in that area But had he come to me after the cheating and asked, I would have said no. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 A couple weeks back I posed a question to APs if their MM/MW had offered a 3some or to be the extra in an open marriage, would they have done it. So I figured I would pose the same question here to the BS's. If your WS had come to you before they stepped out and offered an open marriage or swinging or some kind of poly relationship instead of cheating, would you have gone for that or would you have said no? So I guess in other words, if given the option would you have rather opened the marriage up to other combinations and permutations instead of them cheating? No.......... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Now before we go any further I want to make clear that I am not pointing any fingers or placing any kind of blame on BS's or implying that their WS would not have cheated if they had agreed to an open marriage/swinging/poly. As a former swinger myself, I do not believe that open marriage/swinging/poly and cheating are related in any way shape or form. open marriage/swing/poly do NOT prevent cheating. I am just asking if they would have taken that option if it had been available? No again.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Well first I would ask, "Why would OldShirt pose such a question?". Would love a PM if you don't want to tell everyone. As too the question: My wife's affair was not really about the sex. He was and never will be half the man I am in any way. It was all that emotional stuff that women usually need. Along with her own personal issues and drug abuse. I was just hurt because of the betrayal and lying, yeah the sex hurt some but it was the other stuff that hurt more. And honestly, I was like - why would you have an affair with this dork. I could actually understand someone more handsome or bigger equipment or whatever, but this guy??? Pleeesse. But now if she wanted other lovers I would agree in a second. Yesterday. Because I can get my girls lined back up in a heartbeat. I also have several new ones that I am interested in. So yeah, I would be totally cool with it. I may have to go that way anyhow. And yes I have completely taken your advice and all the other women are gone, but it not like I miss having a variety of sex to draw from. I think I am just non-monogamous as it turns out. And sex with the wife is wonderful I am just wondering if it will ever be enough. Maybe I will be able to adjust, we will just have to see. But I may be an outlier for this question based on where I have been. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Maybe a better way for me to have worded this is if your WS had come to you prior to stepping out and said that they could no longer uphold an exclusive, monogamous marriage and presented you the options of open marriage/swing/poly, "don't ask, don't tell" or divorce right then and there, which would you have chosen. Still no.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Why no? Risk of STD Many a WW decides the side piece is better and then dumps the BH Risk of wife getting pregnant by her side piece Harder form men to get side action then for women making the offer for an open marriage not a fair offer Men marry the hottest woman that he can, now he is no longer in his prime and his side pieces will be off lower quality There is no upside for a most men to agree to an open marriage 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Well first I would ask, "Why would OldShirt pose such a question?". Would love a PM if you don't want to tell everyone. As too the question: My wife's affair was not really about the sex. He was and never will be half the man I am in any way. It was all that emotional stuff that women usually need. Along with her own personal issues and drug abuse. I was just hurt because of the betrayal and lying, yeah the sex hurt some but it was the other stuff that hurt more. And honestly, I was like - why would you have an affair with this dork. I could actually understand someone more handsome or bigger equipment or whatever, but this guy??? Pleeesse. But now if she wanted other lovers I would agree in a second. Yesterday. Because I can get my girls lined back up in a heartbeat. I also have several new ones that I am interested in. So yeah, I would be totally cool with it. I may have to go that way anyhow. And yes I have completely taken your advice and all the other women are gone, but it not like I miss having a variety of sex to draw from. I think I am just non-monogamous as it turns out. And sex with the wife is wonderful I am just wondering if it will ever be enough. Maybe I will be able to adjust, we will just have to see. But I may be an outlier for this question based on where I have been. I would hope Blues that after seeing all the pain and suffering on the other board, you would not go back to having casual affairs with women. You know they would want more, just the woman still hung up on you. I will never have another affair. I'd set myself on fire first. The pain is the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 I would not be open to that idea at all so I'd have to walk away if those were my only two options... divorce or open marriage... I'd choose divorce every time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 This. Kind of. I'd be open to swinging if he had asked about it before cheating.. Not an open relationship or poly relationships....but if it's just about sex and we are doing it together then I would have considered that. I'm open in that area But had he come to me after the cheating and asked, I would have said no. I wouldn't have dived head-first into swinging etc. For sure. But I would have been willing to push my own sexual boundaries to figure out just how far I was comfortable with. It might have been open / poly if could have trusted him enough frankly. But since being a victim to his infidelity, everything is snapped so shut that I don't think I could ever in this lifetime try experimentation without being incredibly triggered. And that's probably with anyone. Oddly enough, if I started over in a different relationship, I would probably a lot more open and experimentative, but certainly not to a point of having an open relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 I wouldn't have dived head-first into swinging etc. For sure. But I would have been willing to push my own sexual boundaries to figure out just how far I was comfortable with. It might have been open / poly if could have trusted him enough frankly. But since being a victim to his infidelity, everything is snapped so shut that I don't think I could ever in this lifetime try experimentation without being incredibly triggered. And that's probably with anyone. Oddly enough, if I started over in a different relationship, I would probably a lot more open and experimentative, but certainly not to a point of having an open relationship. An open relationship is really heartbreaking. There is nothing greater hell like watching your spouse leave for a date with another woman. It's not for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 An open relationship is really heartbreaking. There is nothing greater hell like watching your spouse leave for a date with another woman. It's not for me. Exactly. Too much like an authorized affair. I see swinging as something you would do with your partner that would excite and enhance your relationship sexually. I'm open to that and find it a little exciting....but it isn't something I would ever do without H or be ok with him doing it without me. There would be no "dating"...no having a girlfriend, it's not another relationship just some fun sex stuff once in awhile. But after the affair? Eh. Not anywhere close to even doing that. Our relationship would have to be really really strong for it to ever happen 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 So I guess in other words, if given the option would you have rather opened the marriage up to other combinations and permutations instead of them cheating? What about the option of leaving a marriage where one's partner is not interested in being monogamous? Offering either an open marriage or an affair seems manipulative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 I would not go back with the ones that got hung up. That would be cruel. I would get with the ones that liked the previous FWB relationship or just find new ones. I am not quite that big of a jerk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 We did we opened the M and it just made me even more detached I guess! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 I don't think that an open marriage is any kind of "cure" for cheating anyway. Most cheating is not happening because a person wants more variety, though I'm sure that does happen. It's usually either because someone's weakened by temptation and / or there are issues in the marriage that lead to detachment and straying. Swinging or whatever is not going to touch those things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 So I guess in other words, if given the option would you have rather opened the marriage up to other combinations and permutations instead of them cheating? Niether would be acceptable.....Each situation would promt quick and severe consequences..in my situation I chose divorce.....an open marriage and cheating is a mockery of love, commitment, and sacrifice for the one loved! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) No of course not, and she knew I would not - so she kept the lifestyle separate. Also as has been mentioned many times - these arrangements are a bonanza for a woman/wife -she can have numerous partners of all types all the time - unless the husband is unusually blessed in looks and body he will be on the down side of such arrangements - even in swinging you know your the "side car" on the motorcycle. However, the thought has occurred to me (just a thought never would) of us entering into some sort of closed/open arrangement. That is we both have someone long term on the side - but we ourselves are simply co-parenting committed family thing with no sex between us. Honestly we are not that far off from this lifestyle anyway with her lack of sex interest. Isn't that what occurs or used to occur in the old days in parts world? You have strong family bond and you have a discrete lover outside - but family and marriage remains primary and absolute. Its just a random thought - would never work for us anyway as I am not built this way - also while my wife is somewhat suited to poly or FWB's herself - she also knows I am not and would panic she would loose me permanently to the OW - which is probably true. I am just a one woman at a time guy, and I sometimes feel thats been a burden. Edited November 20, 2016 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 So I guess in other words, if given the option would you have rather opened the marriage up to other combinations and permutations instead of them cheating? Nope. That's a bit like saying would you rather be shot or electrocuted? - yes you have 2 choices but they are both $h!££y. Either way you you lose the sexual exclusivity that you signed up for. I wish my WS had said this, in a way, because then I would have known we weren't on the same page and could have divorced him a bit quicker 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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