How The Eff To Get A Boyfriend After 35

[SilverLining]

I'm educated, well traveled, and a great person but I just seem to be alone all the time. It's been this way for years. When I was in my mid20s I was in a 6 year relationship that just destroyed me, and I spent the next 5 years or so casually dating and pushing people away because I just was not ready to be vulnerable again. Now I'm ready, and have been ready, but it's just not happening.

 

When I was overseas I was living in Japan, which is pretty well-known for western women having difficulties dating. When I got back I ended up moving in with my friend in the Chicago burbs. This is a nice area, but nothing is going on here - everyone just goes to the city, which is a drive and then when you factor in traffic and expensive parking...ugh. I lost touch with a lot of friends when I went overseas, and many of them moved away, which means I only have a handful left, none of which can really introduce me to anyone single and interesting. My family live in another state and never introduce me to anyone. I've tried bars in my area and in Chicago, but I'm always overlooked for younger, cute girls...not that I blame the guys, I used to be one of those young cute girls too!

 

I've tried online dating, but I generally get tons of messages from guys that I am not attracted to at all...and I'm trying to be really openminded by not going for 'hot guys', just average men...overweight and bald can be ok if the personality is good. When I message guys I don't tend to get a response. When I finally AM talking to someone he immediately starts talking about sex, or he has nothing going on in his life besides watching football and drinking beer, or responses are like 1-2 words and I'm incredibly bored. I really try to talk to these guys, I ask them questions and I try to steer the conversation to fun things but eventually we both give up and stop talking to each other. Meeting guys tends to go nowhere. I went on a date and he said he was really attracted to me and was happy that I seemed so smart. We talked for hours and had some really interesting conversation. Then he messaged me for an additional 2 hours after the date. Then...nothing. A guy before that met me, said he was really interested in me, asked me out again and again said he was interested, asked me out again...and then stopped talking to me. No idea why - I asked if we were still going to go out and there was never a response. The guy before that - we chatted on the phone, he said he really wanted to meet me, when I tried to set something up there was silence.

 

I know I'm not the most insanely beautiful and interesting person ever, but I have had a lot of men tell me that I'm attractive and that they can't understand why I am still single. Those men are always attached though - friends, and exes. So, there has to be someone out there for me? I'm not a headcase - in fact I've had more than a few guys tell me I was great to be in a relationship with, or that I was laid back and fun...my last boyfriend told me I was the best girl he had ever been in a relationship with.

 

What are other girls doing? What are guys doing? Can any men on here explain why all this ghosting is happening?

[ElizabethIII]

All I can say is, I could have written that post.

 

I dont know what to do either.

 

I get guys who ghost and then come back to get sex or I dont get anyone.

[SilverLining]

I'm so sorry to hear that, ElizabethIII! I'm sure someone out there would absolutely love to be dating you.

[smackie9]

Get involved with some kind of hobby or interest that would find you in a social situation like joining a club, charity work, volunteering, etc. Most people meet their SO through their job or through friends. Inviting people over for a cocktail party or a BBQ, can be a start to social networking with new people.

 

IMO, OLD is used more by guys who are looking for a quick hook up because it takes little effort. Who wants to deal with lazy losers.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Here it is....online dating, social media has made it much easier to find/seek and not commit. Most people in your age group know all too well the benefits of FB, POF, OKC, EH, etc. as a tool to find potential, short-term relationships. Too young to settle down and too many opps to fiind the next best thing...and then move on.

 

As people get older, the more likely they'll seek a long term relationship, but even then, easier access makes it difficult. As a guy of late 40s seeking a relationship, imagine the number disgruntled women out there. Many women my age have been taken for a ride and used to the point that they are jaded.

 

I feel you. It sucks.

[SilverLining]

That's really good advice Smackie9 - however I work with all women, and there doesn't seem to be any clubs or anything in this area? Everybody seems to go to Chicago... the only events I have seen around here are family oriented or frequented by people in their 50s. I've asked some other people that grew up in this area and they have always said that unless you grew up around here, they have no clue how you would make friends. I've even gone to bars on my own hoping that people would talk to me...no dice.

[Sweetfish]

I lived in Chicago for a little... in my opinion it's not a great place to date. That's my opinion. Maybe the men you go out with do not know how to step up to the next level. They are probably guys who wait for the women to get close first or feel your not going to give it up.. let them pass by.. maybe use a better online site.

[elaine567]

The "burbs" do tend to attract families and older people, so I am not surprised there is a dearth of younger singles around.

[SilverLining]

SimpleNFit - I completely agree about the online dating. I suppose that dating older guys might be beneficial for me, but my parents are super young so it's difficult for me to wrap my head around dating someone 10+ years my age. Still, I suppose it can be an option.

 

Sweetfish, I'm thinking the same thing. One thing I am finding time and again - and maybe I'm way off here, but it seemed like a lot of these guys with average looks and personality (and I'm not knocking average, I consider myself average and I like average, most of us ARE average) are ignoring women of their level of attractiveness in pursuit of the hottest woman they could possibly get. And too many guys were just wanting something short term. Maybe I just need to move?

[ElizabethIII]

I am now beginning to settle for the random dates where they dont want more and come back.

 

At least it is a night out.

[SilverLining]

Oh no...Elizabeth...

 

Maybe we both need to move to where dating is easier. Is there any such place?

[ElizabethIII]

Oh no...Elizabeth...

 

Maybe we both need to move to where dating is easier. Is there any such place?

 

Dating is supposed to be easy here. London, UK.

 

But I disagree. Massive city. Very impersonal and too much choice.

[SilverLining]

I loved London. I suppose it's a good thing then that it's too hard for an American to move there currently, since there won't be much luck dating for me! It's a shame - I worked with so many Brits and I miss them!

[Space Ritual]

I'm educated, well traveled, and a great person

 

This in and of itself is a hinderance when entering the Chicago dating scene. You are perhaps far more intellectual than the male population that combs the bar scene on the North Side so I know many a guy may be put off by engaging in conversation with someone who is a lot smarter than them.

 

You have a better chance of meeting a Rocket Scientist in DeKalb than you would in Wrigleyville...lol.

 

I know it must be frustrating, but when it comes to the singles scene you are probably going to find way more interesting men at the 4 O' clock bars. I say that because you are more liable to find guys that are single and educated at those places simply because they are a bit older and wiser than the guys at the meat markets on Division.

 

So I would suggest if you are coming into the city that if you perhaps go into a few of the late night spots around the Loyola Campus or lust a little farther north in Rogers Park, you may find the guy you are looking for. Just a thought.

[ElizabethIII]

I loved London. I suppose it's a good thing then that it's too hard for an American to move there currently, since there won't be much luck dating for me! It's a shame - I worked with so many Brits and I miss them!

 

Aw that is nice to hear. I have never been to the USA but have met lots of people from there.

 

Maybe it is just me. I am not the most social person.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Dating is supposed to be easy here. London, UK.

 

But I disagree. Massive city. Very impersonal and too much choice.

 

Yeah, I hear that dating in the UK is also difficult for many of the same reasons it is anywhere else.

 

Interesting....'and too much choice.' Such choice have always been there, but within our digital world, too easy to suffer from GIGS.

[SilverLining]

Wow Space Ritual, that's really great advice. I'll mention that one to my friend next time we go out. The only issue is that if I meet someone in that area it is SUCH a drive to commute back and forth to see him but...you know, for the right person it's what I will have to do.

 

Elizabeth, I am decidedly less social now than I was before, so I hear you on that. I'm exhausted after work and it's all I can do to stay awake. I think maybe the issue is that when you are depending on a large city there are way too many options. My family has been asking me to move to my home state...but then I would be living in a small town that is...well most of the residents are not educated and they are a bit narrow minded. Good people, but a different life outlook to me. I'm not sure that's the best option.

[ElizabethIII]

Yeah, I hear that dating in the UK is also difficult for many of the same reasons it is anywhere else.

 

Interesting....'and too much choice.' Such choice have always been there, but within our digital world, too easy to suffer from GIGS.

 

And also women becoming more liberated although a very good thing has been counter productive to women who want to settle down.

 

60 years ago or so if a man wanted to live with a woman and have sex with her, he had to marry her. It just wasnt the done thing to do anything else.

 

Now you see all these stories, I've been with my bf for 5 years, living with him for 3 years, we arent engaged, I dont know if he wants to marry me, etc etc. It was unheard of a generation ago.

 

Women run out of time where families are concerned and men do not. Annoyingly there isnt the same urgency and they can get sex without making a commitment to anyone.

[ElizabethIII]

Wow Space Ritual, that's really great advice. I'll mention that one to my friend next time we go out. The only issue is that if I meet someone in that area it is SUCH a drive to commute back and forth to see him but...you know, for the right person it's what I will have to do.

 

Elizabeth, I am decidedly less social now than I was before, so I hear you on that. I'm exhausted after work and it's all I can do to stay awake. I think maybe the issue is that when you are depending on a large city there are way too many options. My family has been asking me to move to my home state...but then I would be living in a small town that is...well most of the residents are not educated and they are a bit narrow minded. Good people, but a different life outlook to me. I'm not sure that's the best option.

 

It is the same here to a certain extent. After you have been used to London, if you go to smaller towns here, it is surprising just how much more insular they can be.

[BluesPower]

I have several younger friends that have had trouble with guys.

 

I just don't understand it, I would date them if I was not married and they were a little older.

 

Honestly looking at your picture, you should have any trouble.

 

Try not to get too worked up about it. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it.

 

You are not one of those girls that is afraid to ask a guy out, are you? Because that is a waste of time if you see someone that you like.

 

Also, Join a club or group of something that you have an interest in. A lot of people do that to meet people.

 

But hang in there, whatever the issue is, it is not about your looks.

[Buddhist]

What are other girls doing? What are guys doing? Can any men on here explain why all this ghosting is happening?

 

At 45, I'm hardly a girl, but a woman. What am I doing? Getting on with my life and not caring very much whether I have a boyfriend or not. Yeah I know it's not what you want to hear, you want what you want. I get it. The thing is sometimes the things we want don't always come to us. We can either accept that and move on or we can continue to focus on what's missing and feel frustrated.

 

If you're looking for the magic bullet on how to find an eligible man your age I'm not the person to talk to about that. My last bf was over a decade younger and well that has it's downsides too. From what I read on here dating in the US sounds like a farce to be honest, on both sides of the equation. Everyone is looking for their soulmate, some mythical other half who perfectly compliments them and does everything right. Sounds like everyone is unicorn hunting...

 

To my mind people would much rather seek outside of themselves that which they need to develop inside of themselves. My take on your situation is get comfortable being single because it may end up being your state for a while yet, or not. But there's no sense in feeling frustrated by it when you can't control this outcome in life. Getting comfortable single doesn't mean decide to be single and forget dating. It just means give up the frustrations.

 

All the best.

[CommittedToThis]

I'm a man, 54, who moved to a small town after leaving a 9-year abusive relationship; and after a year of reflection and solitude I've started dating again and even here in this small town I'm not having issues meeting women. I'm having issues meeting GOOD woman.

 

I've dated 3 women recently; one I met at a local singles dinner, one was a neighbor, and one I met at the local market.

 

I dated the woman (62) I met at the singles dinner semi-seriously but I suspected she had some kind of personality disorder and after a big red flag at the 3-week mark I dumped her. Her post-dump love-bombing turning to brutal anger made me realize she was definitely disordered. Too bad -- she was filthy rich.

 

The neighbor woman (53) I dated flat-out said to me, at some point over coffee, "I guess you could say I'm a psycho." We never had a second date, I decided I'd take her at her word.

 

The grocery store woman (57) I'm currently "dating" is totally outrageous and outgoing, is a heck of a lot of fun to hang out with/have sex with, but is definitely not relationship material. I love how outgoing and fun she is but in a relationship, I could see her being too flirty for my liking. She makes a big deal about how independent she is so I am responding in kind. I guess we're friends with benefits at this point.

 

I'm a good deal older than you so my dating pool is different, but I think the main thing is that I met all three women "naturally", not via online sites. There's something about meeting people online that seems to make things more difficult.

 

There have *got* to be singles groups in your suburbs? The singles group here in this small mountain town isn't about dating so much as meeting other people. It's very casual -- game and movie nights at people's homes, group dinners at local restaurants, local hikes, art events, etc. All low-key ways to meet other singles.

 

Incidentally, I haven't tried dating anyone under 50 yet, I wonder if I should? Or will I end up looking like a pathetic old pervert?

 

Wishing you success with some real men out there. I know it's a hassle but Chicago is such a great city and there are plenty of well-educated men there who would welcome an intelligent, well-traveled woman of the world such as you.

[MarkIVSteel]

Try looking at the guys you normally tend to over look.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm a good deal older than you so my dating pool is different, but I think the main thing is that I met all three women "naturally", not via online sites. There's something about meeting people online that seems to make things more difficult.

 

Incidentally, I haven't tried dating anyone under 50 yet, I wonder if I should? Or will I end up looking like a pathetic old pervert?

 

Wishing you success with some real men out there. I know it's a hassle but Chicago is such a great city and there are plenty of well-educated men there who would welcome an intelligent, well-traveled woman of the world such as you.

 

Opportunity, opportunity...many people online date b/c they simply don't have the time to go out to bars, clubs, groups, but meeting in person seems much more organic.

 

Yes, there are many 40+ women who will date early, mid-50 aged men.

 

Try looking at the guys you normally tend to over look.

 

I believe she has tried.

[barbossa]

I'm educated, well traveled, and a great person but I just seem to be alone all the time. It's been this way for years. When I was in my mid20s I was in a 6 year relationship that just destroyed me, and I spent the next 5 years or so casually dating and pushing people away because I just was not ready to be vulnerable again. Now I'm ready, and have been ready, but it's just not happening.

 

When I was overseas I was living in Japan, which is pretty well-known for western women having difficulties dating. When I got back I ended up moving in with my friend in the Chicago burbs. This is a nice area, but nothing is going on here - everyone just goes to the city, which is a drive and then when you factor in traffic and expensive parking...ugh. I lost touch with a lot of friends when I went overseas, and many of them moved away, which means I only have a handful left, none of which can really introduce me to anyone single and interesting. My family live in another state and never introduce me to anyone. I've tried bars in my area and in Chicago, but I'm always overlooked for younger, cute girls...not that I blame the guys, I used to be one of those young cute girls too!

 

I've tried online dating, but I generally get tons of messages from guys that I am not attracted to at all...and I'm trying to be really openminded by not going for 'hot guys', just average men...overweight and bald can be ok if the personality is good. When I message guys I don't tend to get a response. When I finally AM talking to someone he immediately starts talking about sex, or he has nothing going on in his life besides watching football and drinking beer, or responses are like 1-2 words and I'm incredibly bored. I really try to talk to these guys, I ask them questions and I try to steer the conversation to fun things but eventually we both give up and stop talking to each other. Meeting guys tends to go nowhere. I went on a date and he said he was really attracted to me and was happy that I seemed so smart. We talked for hours and had some really interesting conversation. Then he messaged me for an additional 2 hours after the date. Then...nothing. A guy before that met me, said he was really interested in me, asked me out again and again said he was interested, asked me out again...and then stopped talking to me. No idea why - I asked if we were still going to go out and there was never a response. The guy before that - we chatted on the phone, he said he really wanted to meet me, when I tried to set something up there was silence.

 

I know I'm not the most insanely beautiful and interesting person ever, but I have had a lot of men tell me that I'm attractive and that they can't understand why I am still single. Those men are always attached though - friends, and exes. So, there has to be someone out there for me? I'm not a headcase - in fact I've had more than a few guys tell me I was great to be in a relationship with, or that I was laid back and fun...my last boyfriend told me I was the best girl he had ever been in a relationship with.

 

What are other girls doing? What are guys doing? Can any men on here explain why all this ghosting is happening?

 

1. I like to know why a girl is still single? Particularly after 30+

Why is this attractive accomplished girl still single? She must be crazy.

 

some people just keep staying single or can't keep a relationship, it can't always be the other person

 

 

 

2. Emotional Baggage Scares me.

If you are bitter about your ex, and what happened, I fear I will be punished in the future because of it, and will avoid such a girl

 

3. How high are your expectations?

How much can you compromise? If you just talk about what you want, what you expect on A,B,C,D and you are not willing to really compromise on things why bother with you?

 

 

 

this is where I have seen most females and males fail. Though I would confidently say more females have this issue. Think I am wrong? find a youtube video that proves it.

 

 

 

4. Girls who have friendly and have a warm smile are irresistible.

 

I would much rather have a female that is always smiling and bubbly and average looking than a girl who is super hot but has a scowl on her face or looks mean

 

This one is huge and guys will come to you if you look friendly.

 

5. When In public, put your phone away

How can I approach you if you are just facing down,avoiding eye contact and playing with your phone

 

Every week, when I go out and even think about just saying hi, her phone is a barrier that says "EFF off"

Edited November 20, 2016 by barbossa
Formatting consistency