How The Eff To Get A Boyfriend After 35

[mortensorchid]

I am in the same boat as you and I'm 41. If there was an answer I could give you (or anyone else of any age), I would tell you the answer. But, I don't have it. I wish that it was easy, but it's not. The only thing I can tell you is to keep trying, but opt for more traditional ways of trying to find someone that involve your getting out of the house rather than use the internet in some way.

 

Just about everyone I know meets someone (or has met someone) online. Don't believe those ads for Match and eHarmony - they are selling you a product and of course they are going to get people who will speak positively about it. eHarmony claims to use people who actually met with it in their ads, Match tried that for a while as well. True? I'm more likely to believe the eHarmony ones of the two. Is OLD a bad thing? I'm not sure, there are a lot of crazy people out there and it offers a certain wall between you and another person that you can't get face to face. It's still a new form of communication and we're still adapting as it's ever changing, probably faster than things have ever changed in history. Get out an do things in the community somehow, you'll be happier in general to do things like that.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I am in the same boat as you and I'm 41. If there was an answer I could give you (or anyone else of any age), I would tell you the answer. But, I don't have it. I wish that it was easy, but it's not. The only thing I can tell you is to keep trying, but opt for more traditional ways of trying to find someone that involve your getting out of the house rather than use the internet in some way.

 

Just about everyone I know meets someone (or has met someone) online. Don't believe those ads for Match and eHarmony - they are selling you a product and of course they are going to get people who will speak positively about it. eHarmony claims to use people who actually met with it in their ads, Match tried that for a while as well. True? I'm more likely to believe the eHarmony ones of the two. Is OLD a bad thing? I'm not sure, there are a lot of crazy people out there and it offers a certain wall between you and another person that you can't get face to face. It's still a new form of communication and we're still adapting as it's ever changing, probably faster than things have ever changed in history. Get out an do things in the community somehow, you'll be happier in general to do things like that.

 

In general, I would agree, but I have had success with online dating. Once you start dating and get to know oneanother, the same conflicts, complexities come into play as if you had met in person. Nothing different. People will lie, embellish, flake, put walls inbetween, regardless of how you meet. BUT, if I had the time and could, I would prefer doing it by meeting someone from a group. Getting out is a good idea.

[SilverLining]

Thank you Barbossa. I really appreciate it.

 

1. I am most definitely not crazy. I am reasonable, I talk things out rather than freak out on people, I am polite and well mannered. I am introspective and interested in being the best person I can be, and so I am well aware of my own faults. I might have been crazy when I was in my early 20s but at this point in my life, no. It's funny - I was actually just complimented by a family member as being one of the more reasonable people she knows.

 

2. My ex-fiance and all of that crap ended back in 2009. It took me awhile to get over that, but honestly? I'm GLAD it happened. After that relationship ended, I became a better, more well-rounded person. I experienced so much more than I would have been able to, had I still been dating this person. We recently began chatting sporadically - just an occasional update, he now is married with a young child - and I'm genuinely happy for him and glad I'm not still with him.

 

3. Expectations....yeah. I have the same expectations from a man that I would put on myself, though. I would like someone who is educated, tolerant, kind, honest, and dependable...also a willingness to travel, respectful, likes animals, and wants kids. Basically the same type of guy that most of my family and friends have already married. I feel uncomfortable with men that are too attractive and prefer nice guys with faces that are attractive to me. I also know that personally makes someone more attractive. One of the last guys I was really into was actually sort of ugly, but we had amazing conversations and great sex. He actually turned ME down, because he was the one who had all these expectations for a relationship and I was not the kind of girl he saw himself with. Which I understood, and we are still friendly.

 

I find that when the attraction is right, a lot of those boxes go unchecked anyway, and that's ok. None of us are going to get exactly what we want, there will always be a compromise somewhere. It's best to focus on the less tangible things about a person's character in order to find happiness.

 

4. This one really made me laugh. I am always grinning like an idiot! I'm an elementary school teacher and my days are spent smiling at everyone and being super loving and kind. It's just my personality as well - I'm a happy person.

 

5. The phone...that might be an issue. It can be uncomfortable to be out, surrounded by people, not talking to anyone and just sort of staring off...that's when I'll pull out my phone, just to seem like I have something to do? If I'm with someone, I'll have it put away because to be constantly on it is just rude.

 

Really, even though this list is really great, I am not sure it applies because most men won't even delve into getting to know me at all. When someone has gotten to know me a little, he usually seems to like and respect me.

 

CommittedToThis, Buddhist, BluesPower - thank you so much for your input. I found all of that really helpful. I did spent about 8 years single and just dating, so I'm independent and very used to being alone. I'll go to movies and restaurants alone, and I've even gone on vacation and moved overseas alone. When I am out, guys do tend to look at me, but no one ever approaches me. When I try to make a move, the guys usually seem to not appreciate it...like as though they are thinking that if they had been interested they would have said something to me themselves, and I must just be desperate to approach them?

 

ElizabethIII, I am rooting for you to meet someone special too. *hugs*

[ElizabethIII]

I am rooting for you too!

 

I would agree that I was alot more unstable when I was in my early 20s. I feel more comfortable now and can stand my ground as to who I am and if you dont like it well, fine I dont care.

[SilverLining]

I hear that! I think that maybe 1/4 of my online dating messages end with me telling the guy he's not being respectful and I'm blocking him. I simply don't stand for it anymore. However, I feel like it's a really positive thing. I wish I would have done more of that when I was young!

[Buddhist]

When I am out, guys do tend to look at me, but no one ever approaches me. When I try to make a move, the guys usually seem to not appreciate it...like as though they are thinking that if they had been interested they would have said something to me themselves, and I must just be desperate to approach them?

 

That's a shame. This is one of the main reasons I don't seek relationships anymore. The older people get the more neurosis they seem to acquire. Things like, negative views of single people, such as those mentioned on this thread. If she's single and over a certain age it must be because she's dysfunctional in some way. Not really, some people are single by choice, marriage isn't for them, others have spent their younger years doing something other than seeking partners. But the negative assumptions remain. They tend to have little to do with you and lot to do with the other person.

 

People on the whole aren't rational or logical no matter what they tell themselves at night. Most people on the planet (myself included) are making emotional decisions for reason's they're not even conscious of. If someone looks at you and has a negative knee jerk about it, it's really got nothing to do with you.

[joseb]

 

 

4. Girls who have friendly and have a warm smile are irresistible.

 

I would much rather have a female that is always smiling and bubbly and average looking than a girl who is super hot but has a scowl on her face or looks mean

 

This one is huge and guys will come to you if you look friendly.

 

5. When In public, put your phone away

How can I approach you if you are just facing down,avoiding eye contact and playing with your phone

 

Every week, when I go out and even think about just saying hi, her phone is a barrier that says "EFF off"

 

+1 especially on the phone thing - it's such a "leave me alone and don't talk to me" message.

[SilverLining]

Thank you Buddhist, I really do enjoy your wisdom here. I do agree that there ought not to be a stigmatization of single people, but here we are. If I was willing to marry just anyone, I would have been married. I am sure it is the same for a lot of single people.

 

Joseb - if you were out at say, a grocery store, and saw an attractive woman there, would you approach her and ask her out?

[joseb]

Joseb - if you were out at say, a grocery store, and saw an attractive woman there, would you approach her and ask her out?

 

I've only approached a couple of women at a grocery store.

I didn't actually ask them out cause they were not especially receptive.

 

I've asked women out in similar places though - at a coffee shop, on the street.

It's funny you mentioned starting into space, the last woman I asked out like that was just starting into space engrossed so I pretended to be looking the same place but unable to see it, and asked her what it was.

[beachfla]

SilverLining, I just posted something about a confusing online encounter and I totally understand where you are coming from. I also wanted to tell you that three of my closest friends met their husbands online and they were late 30's/early 40's. All are very happy with great guys. I know it sucks to have to weed people out, but don't give up. You are really beautiful!

[SilverLining]

That's awesome! Will you please tell some other men to continue approaching women? It's just not happening for me. And I wonder if this is a new thing, because before I went overseas I was approached and asked out all the time - I didn't actually have an online profile. I'd get asked out on the street, on the train or bus, once I even got asked out in a traffic jam! But lately...no. Maybe these men are looking at me but not single? Who knows.

[joseb]

That's awesome! Will you please tell some other men to continue approaching women? It's just not happening for me. And I wonder if this is a new thing, because before I went overseas I was approached and asked out all the time - I didn't actually have an online profile. I'd get asked out on the street, on the train or bus, once I even got asked out in a traffic jam! But lately...no. Maybe these men are looking at me but not single? Who knows.

 

Move to Melbourne. If I see you in Coles I'll approach you

[SilverLining]

Wow, thank you BeachFla. That really does help. I actually just messaged someone on an online dating site that I really liked - nerdy, average guy with a nice face. Really hoping he at least responds to me...if not, at least I tried. That's better than sitting around and moping.

[rainrhonda]

Wish I knew. I'm 40 and have had all the exact same problems for a long time. No end in sight.

I had a fun date a couple weeks ago, the guy also said he had fun and we agreed to do it again sometime.

Then he texted the next morning that I didn't "wow" him enough. I cried all day long. I was convinced I had something new and exciting.

Dating is very difficult at this age and it's a pain. Half the time I am in no mood to put effort into looking good and driving to meet a stranger, etc, that it will probably not work with anyway. All the time I've wasted on that are times I could have just relaxed on the couch in sweat pants The effort gets harder to make even though I hate being single.

 

Bars are no longer good for this at our age either. I live in a big city too but, most people at the bars are too young for me now. So, that doesn't leave much for a source to meet people unless I use online dating and put up with ghosting or people that don't even know what they want.

[SilverLining]

I had an insane crush on this Aussie not too long ago...he was not that attractive and had a lazy eye. Haha it sounds weird to say that but I personally thought he was attractive anyway because he was smart and had a great personality. Sadly he was more interested in Japanese women than myself.

[TheTraveler]

Male here

 

I can date a woman at least 10 years younger than you.

 

What you described about yourself I would have no problems sending a message, swiping right, etc. But, obvious is obvious how do you look?

 

I would add, it sounds like you live in a terrible location and would consider moving. Where's the small town your parents live?

[SilverLining]

rainrhonda...oh my goodness...I am so, so sorry. I hear you on the bars being too 'young' now. I feel the exact same way. I have a friend - she's in her 40s, beautiful woman, strong and intelligent and well traveled herself (she was living in the Middle East in the same apartment building as me) and she is always single. It's such a waste.

 

TheTraveler - I can also date guys who are 10 years younger too. I look very young, most people think I'm 25 or something and are surprised at my real age. But I choose to not date guys THAT young, because I truly feel that most of them are not mature enough to match me. I suppose that would be my answer. I am attractive enough - I've always been told I have a nice face, and I have an hourglass figure so I also get plenty of attention in that way too. But what's the point in dating a younger person if they are not on your level in regards to maturity and life experience? The gap narrows as we all get older, but dating someone in their 20s is vastly different to dating someone in their 30s. I think it's a better experience - your mileage may vary.

[SilverLining]

Ever see Making A Murderer? I'm from that area.

[barbossa]

Thank you Barbossa. I really appreciate it.

 

1. I am most definitely not crazy. I am reasonable, I talk things out rather than freak out on people, I am polite and well mannered. I am introspective and interested in being the best person I can be, and so I am well aware of my own faults. I might have been crazy when I was in my early 20s but at this point in my life, no. It's funny - I was actually just complimented by a family member as being one of the more reasonable people she knows.

 

2. My ex-fiance and all of that crap ended back in 2009. It took me awhile to get over that, but honestly? I'm GLAD it happened. After that relationship ended, I became a better, more well-rounded person. I experienced so much more than I would have been able to, had I still been dating this person. We recently began chatting sporadically - just an occasional update, he now is married with a young child - and I'm genuinely happy for him and glad I'm not still with him.

 

3. Expectations....yeah. I have the same expectations from a man that I would put on myself, though. I would like someone who is educated, tolerant, kind, honest, and dependable...also a willingness to travel, respectful, likes animals, and wants kids. Basically the same type of guy that most of my family and friends have already married. I feel uncomfortable with men that are too attractive and prefer nice guys with faces that are attractive to me. I also know that personally makes someone more attractive. One of the last guys I was really into was actually sort of ugly, but we had amazing conversations and great sex. He actually turned ME down, because he was the one who had all these expectations for a relationship and I was not the kind of girl he saw himself with. Which I understood, and we are still friendly.

 

I find that when the attraction is right, a lot of those boxes go unchecked anyway, and that's ok. None of us are going to get exactly what we want, there will always be a compromise somewhere. It's best to focus on the less tangible things about a person's character in order to find happiness.

 

4. This one really made me laugh. I am always grinning like an idiot! I'm an elementary school teacher and my days are spent smiling at everyone and being super loving and kind. It's just my personality as well - I'm a happy person.

 

5. The phone...that might be an issue. It can be uncomfortable to be out, surrounded by people, not talking to anyone and just sort of staring off...that's when I'll pull out my phone, just to seem like I have something to do? If I'm with someone, I'll have it put away because to be constantly on it is just rude.

 

Really, even though this list is really great, I am not sure it applies because most men won't even delve into getting to know me at all. When someone has gotten to know me a little, he usually seems to like and respect me.

 

CommittedToThis, Buddhist, BluesPower - thank you so much for your input. I found all of that really helpful. I did spent about 8 years single and just dating, so I'm independent and very used to being alone. I'll go to movies and restaurants alone, and I've even gone on vacation and moved overseas alone. When I am out, guys do tend to look at me, but no one ever approaches me. When I try to make a move, the guys usually seem to not appreciate it...like as though they are thinking that if they had been interested they would have said something to me themselves, and I must just be desperate to approach them?

 

ElizabethIII, I am rooting for you to meet someone special too. *hugs*

 

1. What are you willing to compromise on?

Look some physical attraction has to be there, and yes he needs to respect you and treat you like a woman

 

BUT if you want this Mcdreamy dude who is super successful and rich?

Well you saw the youtube i posted right?

 

2. My last dates with a woman over 30

 

Girl 1: In Rush to get married because she had wasted time with the guy before and wanted to have kids asap. BUT she wasn't willing to compromise on anything that i expressed was important to me.

 

I Had to call it quits because she didn't want to compromise even though I told her I would compromise with her on things she felt were important to her. Relationships are give and take.

 

In my opinion you need to be more flexible on what kind of partner you are open to and want.

 

If you just want a guy you can feel attracted to and he treats you decently I think it should be easy

 

IF you want a Dude who is accomplished, has money, your friends love him, he is hot, he is loyal..... Well be prepared for the rest of your life.

 

Family and Friends are Biased.

 

Of course they would say nice things about you. As my family would say about me.

 

The phone thing

 

I just saw and read excuses in your response.

 

If i see a girl i am attracted to in public, either her scowl, her phone would stop me. Or her non friendly looking friends

 

If you see a dude you like by all means look his way and wave or smile or say hi to him. Be proactive about it. It is actually a huge turn on.

[barbossa]

Thank you Buddhist, I really do enjoy your wisdom here. I do agree that there ought not to be a stigmatization of single people, but here we are. If I was willing to marry just anyone, I would have been married. I am sure it is the same for a lot of single people.

 

Joseb - if you were out at say, a grocery store, and saw an attractive woman there, would you approach her and ask her out?

 

1) Is she on her phone?

 

2) Does she avoid eye contact?

 

3) is she smiling? Does she smile back if i smile at her

 

No? avoid her

 

Yes? She is open to approach

 

4) the she walks...Is it like she is walking like she is on a mission?

[TheTraveler]

If i see a girl i am attracted to in public, either her scowl, her phone would stop me. Or her non friendly looking friends

 

Why are you so hung up on the phone? That wouldn't stop me. And why can't you turn that scowl into a smile? I can always say something random to anyone.

[SilverLining]

Exactly right, TheTraveler. If someone is on their phone, it's usually a signal that they are bored and just passing time. There is a difference between waiting in line and taking out your phone, and being out at a restaurant and taking out your phone and ignoring everyone.

 

Barbossa, I can assure you that money - aside from being able to have a profession and be independent - has no bearing on the matter. I have family that became rich and in my opinion it ruined them as people. I'm not particularly interested in material things insomuch as I am interested in people and experiences. I already have said several times that I don't look for the hottest man. I prefer average. I do expect loyalty, however.

 

I am so sorry that your relationship didn't work out. You are right that compromise is so important in a relationship.

[Sweetfish]

At 45, I'm hardly a girl, but a woman. What am I doing? Getting on with my life and not caring very much whether I have a boyfriend or not. Yeah I know it's not what you want to hear, you want what you want. I get it. The thing is sometimes the things we want don't always come to us. We can either accept that and move on or we can continue to focus on what's missing and feel frustrated.

 

If you're looking for the magic bullet on how to find an eligible man your age I'm not the person to talk to about that. My last bf was over a decade younger and well that has it's downsides too. From what I read on here dating in the US sounds like a farce to be honest, on both sides of the equation. Everyone is looking for their soulmate, some mythical other half who perfectly compliments them and does everything right. Sounds like everyone is unicorn hunting...

 

To my mind people would much rather seek outside of themselves that which they need to develop inside of themselves. My take on your situation is get comfortable being single because it may end up being your state for a while yet, or not. But there's no sense in feeling frustrated by it when you can't control this outcome in life. Getting comfortable single doesn't mean decide to be single and forget dating. It just means give up the frustrations.

 

All the best.

 

Well written and totally agree

[ManyDissapoint]

Have you considered men in the 40-45 range? If you want to have children, you are looking at having children at potentially 38 or so years old if the guy is indecisive or wants to get to know you for a few years before having children with you. I think that you need to find men who are on a bit of an accelerated path if you know what I mean.

 

You can't afford to waste years on someone who will waste your time.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Here it is....online dating, social media has made it much easier to find/seek and not commit. Most people in your age group know all too well the benefits of FB, POF, OKC, EH, etc. as a tool to find potential, short-term relationships. Too young to settle down and too many opps to fiind the next best thing...and then move on.

 

As people get older, the more likely they'll seek a long term relationship, but even then, easier access makes it difficult. As a guy of late 40s seeking a relationship, imagine the number disgruntled women out there. Many women my age have been taken for a ride and used to the point that they are jaded.

 

I feel you. It sucks.

 

Exactly, one of my posts previously is of a woman who actually could not be convinced I was my stated age. We had met in person via a Meetup at one time. She told me that if she even gets a HINT that SHE thinks something is a little off...she nexts' t he guy.

 

I told her, "Well, sorry if you don't believe I'm my stated age, but maybe you should take a break from online dating because it's apparently impacting your judgement."