How The Eff To Get A Boyfriend After 35

[SilverLining]

Wow, you really searched through my posts to take things out of context. I guess I struck a nerve.

[Leigh 87]

What is love?

 

I ask because if you can answer that you may open the door to just loving this guy back. Problem solved.

 

Everyone I have loved as an adult have been people who did not impress me physically at first or second or ever. I fell in love with their personality.

Love may be thinking the world of someone, and wanting to protect them from hurt.

 

Just a thought.

 

On and to the poster above who described moving back from Alaska as moving "back to the states"...Alaska is one of the states. IJS.

 

I will be blunt. Some people are simply attractive enough to hold out for the spark where there is instant attraction and feelings without having to learn to like them.

 

I am a 7/10 ish 30 year old and I have been fortunate enough to always get to hold out for the chemistry first and then get to know them and love them (or not:lmao:).

 

It isn't all that rare for mildly attractive women like myself who aren't super young or gorgeous, to be able to hold out for men who we are into and who are into us. Not everyone had to date someone they are lukewarm about initially because they are a good person.

[foxgener]

I'm mean? Oh my goodness! I don't think so - I usually get into trouble because I'm usually too nice! I AM straightforward and confident though. I can see how it might be a little intimidating, but in general i'm extremely thoughtful and kind.

 

 

Why would a direct and confident woman be intimidating? Makes no sense. Never heard that from a guy, ever! Ever. But every time I heard "I must be too strong of a woman... maybe you are intimidated ..." (from a woman) it was a sign of absolutely terrible unbearable b*tchy attitude. The real answer they didn't wanna hear was "No, nobody is intimidated by you but I find your attitude crass and rather unattractive"

[foxgener]

I'm a very good person, a lot of people are genuinely surprised that I am single - my ex boyfriends are surprised I am still single! - but the point is that no one is willing to learn any of these things about me because no one is willing to put in the time and effort to get to know me.

 

 

Why and how do your ex-boyfriends know you are single. You keep in touch with all of them? I think I've seen a list of your exes here somewhere (quote long). Maybe the guys you are dating now don't wanna date someone who keep in touch with 8+ men exes ... and decide not to invest in more time. Just a thought.

[Aesc]

IfOnlyIKnew, I'm willing to try about anything at this point!

How well do you know yourself? Maybe you need to step outside your right brain and be more analytical for a change.

Do you know your own Love Language? Have you ever taken the Big Five Personality Assessment? Do you know your Myers-Briggs Type? Do you have a Secure Attachment Style (per John Bowlby) or are you maybe Avoidant or Ambivalent? Really knowing your inner self is quite different than knowing your financial worth or your level of education.

[foxgener]

I honestly would expect anyone to multi-date. It's good to get out and meet different people, not put all your eggs into one basket. I talk to more than one man ...

 

 

That could be another reason. Successful men are busy and don't have time to date 5+ girls a week. I don't multi-date and most of the people I know don't date multiple people at once either. More importantly, I wouldn't date someone if I know I am only one of the options. This isn't a competition like Bachelor where you pick out of all the guys. The way I think is I deserve to be with someone who takes her time to invest in me to see if we can develop something, which is not something you can do 100% when you have 1/5th of your attention on me. Most girls/women don't get that guys would like to feel special too and instead justify with "I assume they must be doing it too" (yet, they never reveal it unless asked ... because they know guys wouldn't like it)

[Eternal Sunshine]

I hate to say this but the bitter pill for many women to swallow is this:

 

We are primarily judged on looks and youth and unconsciously on our fertility. Most men don't care about us being smart with good careers or well traveled.

 

To us, a 35 yo man with good career that is well traveled sounds like a perfect match. To a successful man, he will have no problem attracting a fertile 25 yo and will for most part strongly prefer someone under 30 to marry and start a family with.

 

Dating is like a free market: our "value" peaks under 30 and declines thereafter. It's the opposite for men. The power never swings back in woman's favor.

 

It's definitely tough knowing that our dating options narrow each passing year. The options that I have now make me want to curl up and cry. I only wish I focused more on dating vs career in my 20s. Men can afford to do that and it will in fact make them better catches but women can't.

 

Women over 35 have two options: remain single or settle for someone that has a ton of baggage and is WAY, WAY below them in every aspect (looks, job, intelligence, education etc). Tough choice to make.

[Chris2016]

I hate to say this but the bitter pill for many women to swallow is this:

 

We are primarily judged on looks and youth and unconsciously on our fertility. Most men don't care about us being smart with good careers or well traveled.

 

To us, a 35 yo man with good career that is well traveled sounds like a perfect match. To a successful man, he will have no problem attracting a fertile 25 yo and will for most part strongly prefer someone under 30 to marry and start a family with.

 

Dating is like a free market: our "value" peaks under 30 and declines thereafter. It's the opposite for men. The power never swings back in woman's favor.

 

It's definitely tough knowing that our dating options narrow each passing year. The options that I have now make me want to curl up and cry. I only wish I focused more on dating vs career in my 20s. Men can afford to do that and it will in fact make them better catches but women can't.

 

Women over 35 have two options: remain single or settle for someone that has a ton of baggage and is WAY, WAY below them in every aspect (looks, job, intelligence, education etc). Tough choice to make.

 

If you're a women over 35 and perpetually single, aren't you in the same boat?

[foxgener]

I hate to say this but the bitter pill for many women to swallow is this:

 

We are primarily judged on looks and youth and unconsciously on our fertility. Most men don't care about us being smart with good careers or well traveled.

 

 

We do care about all those factors but the reality is we can't make babies on our own. So if we do want babies (besides marriage)... especially more than one kid ... it is a natural instinct to find someone who can provide that to us. That doesn't make us a perverts or pedophiles looking into only-younger women. Most times you need to take at least a year between the babies -- and a year to get to know each other, a year to engage and seriously consider marriage, a year to enjoy married life and travel around, etc. -- you are looking into a girl who is 25-27. If you start that process with a 35 year old who knows whether you can have the family with 4 kids. Yes, I am aware of the biotech and new ways to get older women pregnant (i.e. Janet Jackson) but why play around with that risk.

[Aesc]

Sup with all that..?

She places a very high priority on physical attractiveness.

[foxgener]

I have many, many male friends and a lot of them would be really insulted to hear you talk about how men all want young girls. A lot of men do not want that. A lot of men want equal partners. And frankly, I'm insulted that you somehow think women don't like youthful men or find young men attractive. Women are highly visual, just like men, and appreciate the male form. Men are more focused on physical beauty, but it's not all about youth. Are we obsessed with youth? Sure - but most of that is fantasy. Sure, I know some guys that would like to be with a young, pretty girl, but most of my male friends BY FAR recognize that even if they were with the young pretty girl, they would be annoyed and bored because the mindset and experience is not on the same level.

 

 

Two things:

 

1) Many MANY male friends ... is usually a red flag. Especially if it means you don't have a ton of female friends to go with that harem. Could be a reason why people are bolting. Just a thought.

 

2) You seem to have firm tone on knowing (or claiming to know) what men want, yet you are here asking why they are not keeping you around. So I'd say ease on the 'they want this' talk and let men here (who doesn't have any incentive to suck up to you and appear politically correct or 'nice guy') to tell you what they are really looking for.

[Aesc]

IMO, OLD is used more by guys who are looking for a quick hook up because it takes little effort. Who wants to deal with lazy losers.

 

So, are you saying women are too good to use or just don't use Online Dating? Do you have any facts or figures to back up your assumptions? Are you aware that some Online Dating services (eHarmony comes to mind) have made claims to success in dating that lead to lasting relationships and marriage?

 

It really would be interesting to see the statistics and demographics from the major online dating sites.

[foxgener]

I am living in the burbs because my friend is here and I do not have to pay rent - a huge bonus for me.

 

 

In many of your posts, you referred the person you are living with as a roommate. Roommates usually share rent and have equal say in house affairs. The way you are explaining is you aren't a roommate, rather you are just living in some guy's house for free. Which would immediately beg the question (in any guy's mind) who are this person and why are you living with that guy for free? What kind of arrangement is this, if this person isn't relative and you aren't homeless. Red flag right there. In many ways, who is this guy way, is she a user (selfish) way, what is going on over there way, etc. Red flag galore.

 

Here is Steve Harvey on "Men Don't Do Anything for FREE"

Edited January 10, 2017 by foxgener

[Moves Like Jagger]

I'm educated, well traveled, and a great person but I just seem to be alone all the time. It's been this way for years. When I was in my mid20s I was in a 6 year relationship that just destroyed me, and I spent the next 5 years or so casually dating and pushing people away because I just was not ready to be vulnerable again. Now I'm ready, and have been ready, but it's just not happening.

 

When I was overseas I was living in Japan, which is pretty well-known for western women having difficulties dating. When I got back I ended up moving in with my friend in the Chicago burbs. This is a nice area, but nothing is going on here - everyone just goes to the city, which is a drive and then when you factor in traffic and expensive parking...ugh. I lost touch with a lot of friends when I went overseas, and many of them moved away, which means I only have a handful left, none of which can really introduce me to anyone single and interesting. My family live in another state and never introduce me to anyone. I've tried bars in my area and in Chicago, but I'm always overlooked for younger, cute girls...not that I blame the guys, I used to be one of those young cute girls too!

 

I've tried online dating, but I generally get tons of messages from guys that I am not attracted to at all...and I'm trying to be really openminded by not going for 'hot guys', just average men...overweight and bald can be ok if the personality is good. When I message guys I don't tend to get a response. When I finally AM talking to someone he immediately starts talking about sex, or he has nothing going on in his life besides watching football and drinking beer, or responses are like 1-2 words and I'm incredibly bored. I really try to talk to these guys, I ask them questions and I try to steer the conversation to fun things but eventually we both give up and stop talking to each other. Meeting guys tends to go nowhere. I went on a date and he said he was really attracted to me and was happy that I seemed so smart. We talked for hours and had some really interesting conversation. Then he messaged me for an additional 2 hours after the date. Then...nothing. A guy before that met me, said he was really interested in me, asked me out again and again said he was interested, asked me out again...and then stopped talking to me. No idea why - I asked if we were still going to go out and there was never a response. The guy before that - we chatted on the phone, he said he really wanted to meet me, when I tried to set something up there was silence.

 

I know I'm not the most insanely beautiful and interesting person ever, but I have had a lot of men tell me that I'm attractive and that they can't understand why I am still single. Those men are always attached though - friends, and exes. So, there has to be someone out there for me? I'm not a headcase - in fact I've had more than a few guys tell me I was great to be in a relationship with, or that I was laid back and fun...my last boyfriend told me I was the best girl he had ever been in a relationship with.

 

What are other girls doing? What are guys doing? Can any men on here explain why all this ghosting is happening?

 

Someone already asked this question. But it is really important. Is the women in the avatar you? It is common for people on this forum to use the avatar of another person they respect or admire. While they have the right to do that, it makes it harder to accurately give them advice.

 

ES is correct, guys are visual when they judge women. We don't care about whether a girl is charming or successful unless she passes the looks test first. There's no I'll give her a chance. Guys are either attracted or not attracted.

 

You can find many examples in these Internet forums where guys with limited options try to give a woman they''re not attracted to a chance. They try to give a woman a chance. However, it doesn't work out because the attraction isn't there. All this talk about joining clubs, moving, and being flirtatious are irrelevant until we know where you are in the looks scale. Average isn't all that helpful because it can mean a lot of things. It can mean a plain face. It could be someone who used to be beautiful when they were young who lost some of their looks due to age. There are tomboys who never cared about fashion and style. Average means a lot of things.

Edited January 10, 2017 by Moves Like Jagger

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hmmm, I wonder why? LOL

 

For the exact same reasons as career focused man. I wasn't ready to settle down before I solidified my career only to discover there are no options left now. I just think it's unfair that man can do that and at 35+ still find a 25 year old and have 4 kids while a woman can't. But, hey that's biology.

[lana-banana]

This is about proximity and convenience, not sexism (although the points raised about "market value" are completely accurate). I also live in a very large city in the US. When I was online dating I filtered out everyone who didn't live in the actual city itself.

 

Being single makes you selfish and jaded after a while. You come to see dating as a hassle you want to minimize as much as possible. Even if you want to meet someone, you're protective of your free time. The idea of driving 45 minutes to see someone who probably won't be your one true love is about as appealing as a root canal. And if it did work out, would you want to make that drive every day for a year or so until you move in together? Ugggh. Why would you bother with that kind of hassle when you have literally dozens of new matches every day who are within walking distance?

 

I wish I knew what to tell you. Going into the city and meeting people at events, parties, etc might give you a jump over online daters who are likely to filter you out altogether. But unless you can move closer in your options will be significantly limited.

[Shining One]

Based on what the OP has posted thus far, I think she needs to do a lot of initiating with men who live in the city. If she's exhausted her limited supply of local options, she either needs to relocate or expand her search radius. She's willing to make the drive to meet men in the city, but there's no way to convey that unless she initiates. Even if she puts it in her OLD profile, men who are searching within a limited radius themselves will never see her profile.

When I message guys I don't tend to get a response.

I get few responses when I message women too. The solution for me was to message more women. How many men have you messaged? I've messaged probably close to two thousand women on OLD over the years.

[anna121]

I think, OP, you will need to think hard about the cost-benefit of your current living sitch. I too am curious about that - it seems very unusual for a friend to take on a roommate with no real financial contribution. Do you mind going into a bit more detail? What were the circumstances - what is your friend's situation - what is your long-term plan for your own accommodation?

[No_Go]

I wasn't ready to settle down before I solidified my career only to discover there are no options left now - same. But I think there are options left, it is just the kid time running out. People meet their mates even in nursing homes! I don't think available men ran out after 35

 

I just think it's unfair that man can do that and at 35+ still find a 25 year old and have 4 kids while a woman can't. - check the CEO of Spanx - I recently went to hear a presentation of hers - she married at 37 (eh career... and envious dudes), and then gave birth of 4 children.

 

For the exact same reasons as career focused man. I wasn't ready to settle down before I solidified my career only to discover there are no options left now. I just think it's unfair that man can do that and at 35+ still find a 25 year old and have 4 kids while a woman can't. But, hey that's biology.

[Popsicle]

This is about proximity and convenience, not sexism (although the points raised about "market value" are completely accurate). I also live in a very large city in the US. When I was online dating I filtered out everyone who didn't live in the actual city itself.

 

Being single makes you selfish and jaded after a while. You come to see dating as a hassle you want to minimize as much as possible. Even if you want to meet someone, you're protective of your free time. The idea of driving 45 minutes to see someone who probably won't be your one true love is about as appealing as a root canal. And if it did work out, would you want to make that drive every day for a year or so until you move in together? Ugggh. Why would you bother with that kind of hassle when you have literally dozens of new matches every day who are within walking distance?

 

I wish I knew what to tell you. Going into the city and meeting people at events, parties, etc might give you a jump over online daters who are likely to filter you out altogether. But unless you can move closer in your options will be significantly limited.

 

Exactly. This is why I'm moving to a bigger city soon.

[Lilyana76]

I'm 40 and entering the dating world for the first time ever. I married my high school sweetheart right out of school... we are recently divorced.

 

I find online dating to be very... unsettling. Men looking for hookups mostly. There are a couple guys that seemed really decent to me, but we ended up not really having much in common and that became very apparent by date 2.

 

The number of 20 somethings hitting on me i find humorous. I know they see me as someone who is done having children so they could be with me and get a mature education as well as have fun with no consequences.

 

You said you work with all females, thats a bummer. In my job I have constant contact with people in public. So I find it easy to meet new people. I had a customer tell me I'm very cute and have a great personality, I've had a crush on this customer forever. Who knows what will happen.

 

I was bitching about the online dating thing in another thread, but decided to try it again. Within minutes of signing in, i have 8 new messeges... It was easy to weed out the ones that were only there for hookups and the ones that actually wanted to know more about me.

 

Maybe this won't be so bad. But I feel OLD is almost a necessity in this day and age, because thats how everyone seems to be doing it. Hence why everyone who is out, is looking at their phone. lol

 

Please be careful when trying to meet someone in bars or pubs, much like online, they can be some unsavory characters.

 

And lastly, get out there and try new things. I joined a divorced support group and met some awesome people and new friends there. Expand your social network. I know where you live you said its mostly families and older people, befriend some of them! You never know their kid or grandkid could be the next beau!

[No_Go]

I find online dating to be very... unsettling. Men looking for hookups mostly. There are a couple guys that seemed really decent to me, but we ended up not really having much in common and that became very apparent by date 2.

 

Not my experience... Nearly every guy that I have met from OLD wanted a relationship (I've met like total of 10 or so from OLD over the years, 2 ended up in LTRs, only one faded, rest there was not enough chemistry but they wanted RLs)... But I was very conservative in my profile (no no to skin-revealing clothing and clownish make up) and made it abundantly clear that I'm not looking for 'fun', maybe that's why I've never got approached by a guy looking for ONS.

 

Well, having said that - I've ran into other major problems with OLD - one con artist a few years ago that mooched ton of money from me and made me pretty cynical towards men in general, but the same dude has applied similar strategy when meeting women IRL... So it is not the OLD, it is how life is.

Edited January 10, 2017 by No_Go

[bluefeather]

Wow, you really searched through my posts to take things out of context. I guess I struck a nerve.

 

If that was directed at me, I did not "search through your posts..." I read them all, and took notice to comments like those. I am not sure what you are getting at by saying that I took something out of context. I would have to make a judgement in order to do that. I just noticed that you point out attraction a lot, in yourself and in others, and thought maybe there was some significance with that in accordance with your struggle in searching for a partner. You seem kind of touchy by my question and this now gives more weight to Been's observation.

 

Also,this is based on what I've read, your attitude might not be the best-you seem a little mean from what I've read and people can sense that.

 

I'm fine. Maybe it was me who struck a nerve..?

 

She places a very high priority on physical attractiveness.

 

Well that would answer my q. Thank you.

[Weezy1973]

I'm educated, well traveled, and a great person but I just seem to be alone all the time.

 

You're choosing to be alone, it's not just something that is happening and you're the victim of. If you want things to change, you have to change your choices and actions.

 

When I was in my mid20s I was in a 6 year relationship that just destroyed me, and I spent the next 5 years or so casually dating and pushing people away because I just was not ready to be vulnerable again. Now I'm ready, and have been ready, but it's just not happening.

 

What has made you ready now? Have you been to therapy to deal with the fallout from that previous relationship destroying you? Have you owned and taken responsibility for your part in that relationship?

 

What I'm getting at is that the vast, vast majority of people date successfully. And by successfully I mean they find someone to be in a long term relationship with. When people struggle with dating (and there's a disproportionate number on this site), it invariably has something to do with themselves. And I don't mean they're unattractive, I mean it often has to do with a lack of self-worth often resulting in childhood trauma, or as is the case with the OP, a previous "destroying" relationship.

One of the outcomes of having low self-worth is this incessant need to protect the ego and often a need to project perfection. Would you describe yourself as a perfectionist? From your posts you do paint a “perfect” picture of yourself.

When one is subconsciously protecting their ego due to low self-worth, they will often make contradictory statements. In other words they lie to themselves, because their ego is too fragile to accept any kind of deficiencies in themselves. Here is an example from your posts:

 

I lost touch with a lot of friends when I went overseas, and many of them moved away, which means I only have a handful left, none of which can really introduce me to anyone single and interesting.

I have many, many male friends and a lot of them would be really insulted to hear you talk about how men all want young girls.

 

So do you have a handful of friends? Or many, many friends?

So all this to say, I suspect you have a lot of work to do on yourself before being able to date successfully. All of your relationships so far have failed. What is your part in that?

[vjk]

But I feel OLD is almost a necessity in this day and age, because thats how everyone seems to be doing it. Hence why everyone who is out, is looking at their phone. lol

 

 

I don't know about that. I'm also near 40 and haven't run across an available woman to potentially ask out in years. So, I'm considering OLD and searched for female profiles from 32 to 44 on okcupid within 10 miles of my Cleveland area zip code this morning. About 100 results were displayed. (I don't remember there being many more on POF and was going to search again, but it appears you now need to be a member to search.) There has to be a few hundred thousand people living in my area. So, I would say that's very far from everyone using it.

 

I still wonder how people can muster enough courage to try OLD. Besides possible mocking from coworkers and other people I know should they find my profile, I fear that my picture will end up on a youtube video titled "Worst Date Ever..." with a woman mocking my conversation history. Or even worse, the video ends with the woman taking off her wig revealing she's really a guy who wanted to see what it's like to be a woman online.......While I'm joking, I found lots of these videos including a guy who's very competent with makeup.