Will this be the road to estrangement... [Update Nov 2018]

[jnel921]

My daughter has been using POT since HS against our wishes. She is 19 and we refuse to buy a car or pay for school unless she is clean and off this drug.

This summer she finally tested negative and we started the process of registering her in school and also considering getting a car.

 

She was supposed to pick up her books and supplies next week and the car would have been picked out today.

 

But yesterday we gave her a drug test and she tested positive again. We were upset and I told her that school and car were now history.

 

She got upset then later wanted to speak to me. She said it had been a few weeks and blamed it on a younger guy she was hanging out with and said that since now she has a BF who doesn't smoke that she wouldn't smoke. She also offered to go to rehab. She went last year however a few months after she started again and always got in trouble and I'd kick her out and she'd keep begging for chances and always promises there would be a change.

 

I was almost considering this offer when she said that going to rehab would ease our minds, police her habit until she is done with school, once she licensed and gets her job she can move out and smoke all she wants.

 

These words pissed me the hell off. I thought going to rehab was to stop.

I am not sure how to handle her and this situation.

[ElizabethIII]

She is over 18. A legal adult. Able to vote, etc.

 

Treating her like a baby and forcing drug testing on her and refusing to buy her car or pay for school unless she stops is like putting a child in time out.

 

Change your game, she gets off the drug or she gets out of your house.

 

She wants to use drugs, she can live like the adult she is supposed to be and move out but you wont tolerate it under your roof and she has to go

 

Bribing her hasnt worked. She has told you she is only going to not smoke while she lives with you and when she leaves she will smoke all she wants. But she hasnt even the courtesy to be clean from drugs while she lives in your home.

 

Tell her to get her butt out of your house now and you're not getting her a car or anything else. It may shock her, it may not, but it is her life now she is an adult.

Edited November 20, 2016 by ElizabethIII

[noelle303]

She went to rehab for pot? It's pretty hard to get addicted to pot, how often does she smoke it?

 

Is there any way you could possibly be overreacting on this one? What kind of trouble does she get into?

[Nowty V]

Is there any way you could possibly be overreacting on this one?

 

Are you for real?

 

She maybe 19 but her Brain does not fully complete it's physiological changes from childhood to adulthood until she is 25. Cannabis is documented to alter this process in a very negative way.

 

This can lead to anxiety and mental health problems in later life.

 

Is there any correlation between her menstrual cycle and her pot use?

 

Is she more likely to use Pot in the week before her menses?

 

There maybe no correlation, she may just be being a dork; but you are doing the 100% best thing trying to get her to avoid intoxication in any form at this age.

[Haydn]

Really? Drug tests?

 

I was off my face at uni.

 

Until 22.

 

I got a 2.1 (Not bad)

 

How i stopped?

 

I grew up. But it was my choice.

 

Do the same for your daughter. (As others have said, she is an adult)

[Buddhist]

Is there any way you could possibly be overreacting on this one? What kind of trouble does she get into?

 

I don't think its overreaction at all. Why should her parents be paying for things like a car and education knowing she is likely going to be spending her study time zoned out on weed. Education isn't cheap.

 

I'm with the other poster here that said she can move out if she wants to smoke pot. Her parents don't have to enable her habits. As an adult she can learn that while she can make choices for herself others do not have to condone much less enable them. Her choice to smoke weed has consequences, namely that her parents aren't interested paying for her education while she is on it and she'll have to put a roof over her own head first. Recreational drugs are a luxury in life, if one has the money for them, then they have the money to pay for the necessities in life too. One needs to learn the right order of priorities in those items as well.

Edited November 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic~T

[noelle303]

Are you for real?

 

She maybe 19 but her Brain does not fully complete it's physiological changes from childhood to adulthood until she is 25. Cannabis is documented to alter this process in a very negative way.

 

This can lead to anxiety and mental health problems in later life.

 

Is there any correlation between her menstrual cycle and her pot use?

 

Is she more likely to use Pot in the week before her menses?

 

There maybe no correlation, she may just be being a dork; but you are doing the 100% best thing trying to get her to avoid intoxication in any form at this age.

 

I'm simply asking for the OP to give us more context into how often does she smoke pot and what kind of behaviour does it lead to.

 

I personally don't smoke pot, but there was a study recently that estimates that over 700 000 college students smoke pot on an average day. There were people in my graduate school who were habitual smokers and pretty much did all the course work, got A's on midterms and graduated on time with me.

 

But I do agree that if the OP doesn't support her daughter's life choices, she certainly isn't obligated to pay for things.

[jnel921]

She is over 18. A legal adult. Able to vote, etc.

 

Treating her like a baby and forcing drug testing on her and refusing to buy her car or pay for school unless she stops is like putting a child in time out.

 

Change your game, she gets off the drug or she gets out of your house.

 

She wants to use drugs, she can live like the adult she is supposed to be and move out but you wont tolerate it under your roof and she has to go

 

Bribing her hasnt worked. She has told you she is only going to not smoke while she lives with you and when she leaves she will smoke all she wants. But she hasnt even the courtesy to be clean from drugs while she lives in your home.

 

Tell her to get her butt out of your house now and you're not getting her a car or anything else. It may shock her, it may not, but it is her life now she is an adult.

 

This has happened serval times already. The last time she was out of the house was in September. She begged to come home asked to work towards school ad a car. She tested negative in October then when we retested last week it was positive.

 

She knew how we felt about this. It is our home and those are our rules. I read that I shouldn't try to control her by threatening our financial support but I don't see why I should reward bad behavior.

[jnel921]

She went to rehab for pot? It's pretty hard to get addicted to pot, how often does she smoke it?

 

Is there any way you could possibly be overreacting on this one? What kind of trouble does she get into?

 

first found out she was smoking early last year January 2015. My smoke alarm at home went off and she had a towel under her door. This was before school. senior year. I was upset, told her we'd be speaking about it again when she came home from school. Tat day, she stayed after school to go to homecoming without my permission and ultimately got caught on the school grounds smoking pot.

 

She was suspended from school for 2 weeks. Missed an important regents test that she would have to pass in June if she was to graduate. Also there was a hearing scheduled where they were going to decide if she should be kicked out of school as there was more than one incident of her having arguments with teachers at school.

 

I enrolled her in rehab so that this wouldn't happen. The school accepted and she was put on probation for the rest of the school year. She did eventually graduate by the skin of her teeth, however a car was never bought because she couldn't test clean and has yet to prove she is for longer than 4 months.

 

From what she told me she was not a heavy smoker but over time she confessed it was an everyday occurrence that she said she could stop. Well its been almost 2 years and its been a rollercoaster. She swears I am the one who is being unreasonable as according to her everyone does it and she feels smoking only helps her. Meanwhile when she does she becomes aggressive and nasty and I am not sure how she thinks this helps.

 

I told her pot is illegal as you cannot get many jobs if you are tested positive. She is immature.

[jnel921]

I'm simply asking for the OP to give us more context into how often does she smoke pot and what kind of behaviour does it lead to.

 

I personally don't smoke pot, but there was a study recently that estimates that over 700 000 college students smoke pot on an average day. There were people in my graduate school who were habitual smokers and pretty much did all the course work, got A's on midterms and graduated on time with me.

 

But I do agree that if the OP doesn't support her daughter's life choices, she certainly isn't obligated to pay for things.

 

Thanks, you are right I am not obligated. But honestly I want her to get the hell out of my house as soon as possible as nasty and hurtful as that sounds.

When she finally is I can say that I did my best to help her. If she wants to be a pothead, crackhead, or whatever the case may be then that is on her. My disappointment is that she obviously doesn't put much thought into how this affects me or how it makes me feel. Where is the honor and how is this supposed to make me proud?

[noelle303]

I understand the frustration, especially when it comes to her lack of productivity and responsibility.

 

Does she have a job?

 

Maybe you can try and make a list of your conditions for her to remain living under your roof. Like find and retain a job, pay for certain groceries and bills etc. As long as she is maintaining that, she can remain living with you, if not, she will have 30 days to move out.

 

I feel like it would be much better to lay out the plans and consequences in advance, rather than just impulsively kicking her out when you have a fight. This way you're actually throwing the ball in her court and letting her know it.

[VeveCakes]

Lack responsibility and drive is not pots fault!

 

People always want to blame cannabis but the truth is if it weren't pot it would be something else with your daughter.

 

Weed helps many people and many people are successful who use every day, I am one of them. Weed does not make one lazy. It does not take away ones will to succeed.

 

Maybe you should consider easing off the hatred of pot and see what else might be happening in your daughters life. The constant nagging over something that is legal in many areas of the world seems to me like beating a dead horse. Not to mention the notion of pot being "bad" and a "gateway drug" just shows how out dated your views are and that perhaps your daughter is more in tune with the current world than you are.

 

See what else is happening in her life. Come at her like a friend, not an enemy who is threatening something that she very well may need to feel good in life.

[Satu]

She's 19 and able to make her own choices (including bad ones).

 

You're within your rights to set the conditions she has to meet to live in your house and get a car, etc.

 

You can't make her stop smoking pot; thats impossible, so you just have to set your boundaries and stick to them.

 

 

Take care.

[ElizabethIII]

This has happened serval times already. The last time she was out of the house was in September. She begged to come home asked to work towards school ad a car. She tested negative in October then when we retested last week it was positive.

 

She knew how we felt about this. It is our home and those are our rules. I read that I shouldn't try to control her by threatening our financial support but I don't see why I should reward bad behavior.

 

Cut her loose.

 

If she wants a car, or to go to college, she can take out student loans and get in debt for it or she can go to work instead.

 

It is fine for you to not tolerate drug use under your roof and to refuse to pay for expensive college when she is on drugs. But how has her school record been? If she has done ok at high school and got good grades when using pot then she is capable of working while on it.

 

The issue is you know about it. You do know that plenty of students use pot in college? There will be some whose parents are paying for their tuition and they dont know about any drug use or bad behavior.

[VeveCakes]

From what she told me she was not a heavy smoker but over time she confessed it was an everyday occurrence that she said she could stop. Well its been almost 2 years and its been a rollercoaster. She swears I am the one who is being unreasonable as according to her everyone does it and she feels smoking only helps her. Meanwhile when she does she becomes aggressive and nasty and I am not sure how she thinks this helps.

 

I told her pot is illegal as you cannot get many jobs if you are tested positive. She is immature.

 

A huge majority of the population does do it. For so long it was so taboo no one admitted it but thankfully those days are changing. Do you ever think she is becoming aggressive because of the constant harassment over something she enjoys and helps her? Pot does not make you aggressive, the opposite in fact.

 

Very soon it will be legal everywhere, so if you can't change your outdated view you might want to buckle up.

[Satu]

OP:

 

What are your feelings about alcohol?

 

It's actually much more dangerous than pot:

 

Physically

Mentally

Socially

 

I'd be much more concerned if she was drinking to excess, than I would be with her smoking any quantity of pot.

 

Better would be to do neither, but thats nothing that could be imposed on anyone.

[GunslingerRoland]

You shouldn't have to feel obligated to buy a car for (I've never had a car bought for me) or pay education for your adult child.

 

But I do have to say that doing anything to specifically hinder your child's ability to get an education in order to improve their life seems about as counter productive as it gets.

 

I'm in the overreaction boat, lots of people smoke pot everyday. Is it the healthiest thing? No. But neither is drinking or smoking, or eating double cheese burgers.

[Satu]

The idea of parents paying for anything is totally alien to me.

 

I never asked, and they never offered.

 

I left home shortly before my 17th birthday, and never slept there for one night after that.

 

I paid my own way through university, and established myself in a respected profession, with no help from anyone.

 

It was hard, but it was a blast and I enjoyed it.

 

I loved it, in fact.

 

At one point I had a night job and a day job, and went straight from one to the other.

 

But here and now in the present, I have no debt whatsoever.

 

The easy way might be easy, but not necessarily the most fun.

 

I'd happily do it all again.

[VeveCakes]

Same here Satu!

 

Bought my own car. Paid my way through school. Got myself into the career world...worked 7 days a week for 3 years. Bought myself a farm.

 

Did all this while being a daily pot smoker too. It's in the person...not their substance. Thats just a symptom of the issue.

[GunslingerRoland]

I hear what you are saying, but tuition has skyrocketed much faster than the inflation of basically anything else over the last few decades.

 

My point is that there are a lot of ways to punish your adult child who lives at home, but taking away the opportunity you were providing for them to go to school seems like the worst way I can think of.

 

Also, to the OP, you've mentioned that your daughter has symptoms like anger (which have nothing to do with pot use) and that your daughter feels like the pot helps her, although you don't say with what. It seems pretty clear that you daughter may have one more more underlying conditions that is affecting her daily life, but why are you not focused on that, rather than the pot use?

 

For example I know it's really common for the children of those parents who decide they don't believe in ADHD (but still have a child with ADHD) to end up turning to pot to self medicate without even realizing it.

[noelle303]

My parents paid my tuition (out of a college fund they had since I was little) and my car and it's not something I'm ashamed of, especially since it gave me a very nice leg up to transition into the adult world and to become financially comfortable. It doesn't mean I didn't work, but it relieved me of additional stresses.

 

I also spend the first two college years partying it up, doing crazy things and passing all my classes despite spending a few of them hungover. It happens, it's part of growing up and exploring. My parents also knew about it and never cut me off.

 

However, I still say that you have every right to not pay for your daughter's car and tuition if you don't trust her and agree with her choices. But maybe just think about what good it does for her in the long run?

[Satu]

My parents paid my tuition (out of a college fund they had since I was little) and my car and it's not something I'm ashamed of, especially since it gave me a very nice leg up to transition into the adult world and to become financially comfortable. It doesn't mean I didn't work, but it relieved me of additional stresses.

 

I also spend the first two college years partying it up, doing crazy things and passing all my classes despite spending a few of them hungover. It happens, it's part of growing up and exploring. My parents also knew about it and never cut me off.

 

However, I still say that you have every right to not pay for your daughter's car and tuition if you don't trust her and agree with her choices. But maybe just think about what good it does for her in the long run?

 

There's nothing wrong with any of that, but very different to my own experience.

 

We do what we do with choices available to us.

[darkmoon]

she will never forgive you if you kick her out of your house, she will just carry on with pot

 

she might end up on the streets, unable to be in your house, which will no longer be her home

 

who pays for the pot?

[Tayla]

This drug of choice....has the upper hand.

 

My mom was still my mom no matter what my age or title of "adult"

.

This family member is using rehab as her get out of jail card. Clearly she abuses it the same way she does the thc rush .

I've no positive reward to give a person who underhandedly uses a facility as a hiding place. Don't send her to rehab....other folks need that counsel.

 

Opium is legal in some countries....doesn't make it safe...healthy ...or a vitamin ...just that some ppl on the stuff passed it as acceptable to consume.

 

Straight up tell her that you love her enough to let her grow. And she can grow bad lungs and poor grades on her own...entirely.

[turnera]

It's not your job to teach an 'adult' how to behave. It is your job to set the rules in YOUR home and abide by them. She is then free to do whatever she wants.

 

If she wants financial support, just like any financial institution she might go to, she abides by the rules of that institution. Yours includes mandatory drug tests. She doesn't like it? Tough. Go get a loan.

 

You're doing Authoritative Parenting, the preferred method for raising kids. And yes, she's still acting like a kid, so this is what she gets. Set the rules, step back and let them choose to abide by the rules...or not. If not, she no longer has access to the benefits of Bank Family. Period. Her choice. *shrug*

 

Kids who choose to buck the system usually eventually 'figure it out.' After a period of failures in life. Huh. Whodathunkit? My parents knew what they were talking about after all.

 

As far as living in your home, by the time my DD26 was 15, she knew our 'rule.' Once you graduate high school, you can do one of three things - go to college and succeed in college and we'll help pay for it; stay home and go to local college and we'll pay for most or all of it; or stay home and get a job and PAY RENT. Of course there was choice #4 - move out. She knew my rules. She knew I mean business. She never questioned it because I never wavered.

 

The 'never wavered' part is the secret.