Will this be the road to estrangement... [Update Nov 2018]

[Whodatdog]

You can't control what any of them do. All you can do is take care of yourself.

 

Take all of those bills that you paid to court.

 

End right now any terms she wants if she wants to move back with you. Its YOUR house, your terms, not hers.

 

Support your son, go to his graduation with a smile on your face.

 

Your daughter is old enough to be making her own decisions. Its what she wants to do, so let her. Give her those belongings she has at your house. I dont know the rules on child support, but if they are modified, so be it. You have your bills of what you paid for her. Stop paying her medical, her auto insurance. She doesnt make the rules, you do.

 

Read Globugs post. Again. and again. Live it.

[jnel921]

Thanks Whodatdog,

 

I read through the petition and most of it doesn't make sense. She is claiming child support should be paid directly to her at her BF's mothers apt.

 

I am just numb and have nothing to say. I already reached out to my lawyer and sent her a copy of the petition so I can prepare my own.

 

I am really hurt that it all has come down to this. I am going to try real hard to not let this get me down before the graduations.

 

My daughter is no longer the person I once believed her to be. Not sure if there is any redemption after this. I just cant see it. But I will always try to keep an open heart. I think that is all I can do.

[Popsicle]

I see you live in NY where people have to pay CS until age 21. That's crazy. In CA, where I live, child support stops at age 18 or once they graduate HS.

 

Child support payments never go directly to the child, they go to the parent.

[jnel921]

Yes Popsicle you are correct. I guess my D isn't familiar with the controversial court case of Rachel Canning of NJ, who sued her parents in 2014 for child support and tuition and expected this to be paid to her while she was not living in the home. Her story is similar in which she too accused her parents of unfounded abuse, did not want to do any chores, follow curfew, had a boyfriend whom they wanted her to see less of, didn't want to follow their rules and the lack of respect for her mother was disgusting to say the least.

 

The story is the same except my daughter also has stolen from me, charged unauthorized items on our credit cards, made false accusations not only on us but others people who could have gotten in serious trouble if the accusations were true.

 

I was tempted to forward that old new article to my D but I changed my mind. My exH should know better than to waste the courts time with a frivolous petition. But of course his main objective is to relieve himself of any financial responsibility.

 

I am not sure how things will go in court. My only explanation for my own D is that she left voluntarily over the past couple of years however managed to come back after realizing that things were not working out in her favor. However this time she is being enabled by the BF and her dad is adding fuel to that fire and not pushing that she come home or that she has a better chance if she does that.

 

He wants her to do it on her own, which at this point will be extremely difficult as she does have the substance abuse and mental health issues for which none he has ever had to live or deal with. My D's self esteem and desire for success have all bee been taken away over the course of the last year. Right now she is exhibiting extreme anger when she doesn't get her way.

 

I wont submit to that. Last night she tried to face time me but I ignored the call. She didn't leave any messages so I will assume that she is calling because she wants or needs something. She would never just leave a message just to say hello, ask how I am doing or simply say I love you. Its a shame that it has come to this. I a following Globug's advice and am stepping away now. I can't do the random dinner or grocery thing just yet as meeting with her since she tries to manipulate that situation as well.

 

She is crazy to think that the world and we all cater to her and that a judge would actually order me to pay her while she sits at her boyfriends mother's apt and watches TV all day. SMH

[jnel921]

Today D says she wants to be emancipated. Wants to be able to get financial aid on her own. Says she wants to smoke all the weed she wants and do whatever she pleases. She can kiss my a$$.

[Globug]

She is 18 why does she need to be emancipated in order to do all that? LOLOL Isn't that what she has been doing the last 6 months except in between times make you pay for her mistakes?

[Whodatdog]

Smile at her, wish her luck, and tell her you hope she is happy and will have a great life.

 

Its all you can do.

[jnel921]

Thanks Globug and Whodatdog,

 

Yes Globug, I have been paying for her mistakes and then some...its exhausting and I am done. However she wont get a good financial aid deal. Her credit is horrible but it is what it is.

 

I actually have Globug's post and have been studying it to help me and I take it with me wherever I go. So, Globug know that your words have touched and helped me and continue to do so.

 

I am going to court on Monday to file my petition for enforcement against my D's father which I should have done years ago. I was so happy that I had every receipt and piece of information I need to file this. He is going to flip out when he sees the numbers.

 

I still feel bad that he is putting seeds into her head and she still has not shared her phone number with me. She continues to be nasty. I refuse to text to her email address as this is compromised by the BF and he will answer for her.

 

I don't plan on expressing any more of my "feelings" because obviously she doesn't care. She needs to be more grown and changed to ever understand what she is actually putting me through.

 

My D texted me yesterday. She asked to come over to pick up clothes for the trip. I told her this was fine for tomorrow and I would let her know when. I will try to be as pleasant as possible without saying much.

 

I am packing for my trip today for this Wednesday. I am excited to see my son and attend the basic training graduation.

 

So I have to put up with my D and her father this Wednesday at the dinner and Thursday as I am hosting the after graduation party that I am having at a house i rented on the base. I am hoping it all goes well without incident. I don't plan on discussing the court battles and will tell my son about it when we get home.

 

I did mention to him that i am only putting up with them because its his day. That right now i wasn't happy with either of them. He understood.

 

Anyway all, thanks for the continued support. This has been a journey and i hope that this experience has touched or helped someone else. I am grateful for the advice you give me.

[jnel921]

So I spent the last few days in GA with my son who graduated basic training. My exH brought my D down who at first told me that her step mother advised her not to speak to us due to the upcoming court case which I thought was BS.

 

We had a good time for the most part. Her dad and wife went back to their hotel and left her with us for the remainder of the day.

 

We went to breakfast and my H made a speech to our son telling him how proud he was of everything he accomplished and hard he knew it was to get there. Also told him that he was proud to call him his son. This evoked an emotion out of my D. She got up and left to the restroom and came back later looking like she had cried. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was a disappointment.

 

I told her she still had time to figure it out. She admitted she messes herself up, and I told her when you want something badly enough you try not to. We talked about a few things, but at the end of the day she needs to make better choices. I reminded her that I loved her and as long as she was in my home doing the things that we expected of her that we wouldn't have an issue helping her prepare for life. After that we went back to the cabin we rented and started our day.

 

We went swimming and she talked about not having a phone. It clearly is upsetting to her that she got caught up in a phone plan with 2 other people who cant even pay either. She kept trying to ask me to give her an extra phone I had to open another plan for her and her BF at another provider and this is where I had to stop our conversations. I reminded her that whatever I do is for her, not for her MAN. Told her she needed to think and do for herself. This is why she has these issues. Besides if he cant do anything like pay a bill why be with him. It was not the best conversation but we moved past it.

 

My H even had a talk with her. But I am not sure how she received it. She says she feels numb. But I cant help her. She needs to decide how and when she wants to fix her life. So right now I am not holding my breath. She sees in her brother what true sacrifice and accomplishment is and feels like. I hope that she wants the same. Something needs to change one day.

[Whodatdog]

So I spent the last few days in GA with my son who graduated basic training. My exH brought my D down who at first told me that her step mother advised her not to speak to us due to the upcoming court case which I thought was BS.

 

We had a good time for the most part. Her dad and wife went back to their hotel and left her with us for the remainder of the day.

 

We went to breakfast and my H made a speech to our son telling him how proud he was of everything he accomplished and hard he knew it was to get there. Also told him that he was proud to call him his son. This evoked an emotion out of my D. She got up and left to the restroom and came back later looking like she had cried. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was a disappointment.

 

I told her she still had time to figure it out. She admitted she messes herself up, and I told her when you want something badly enough you try not to. We talked about a few things, but at the end of the day she needs to make better choices. I reminded her that I loved her and as long as she was in my home doing the things that we expected of her that we wouldn't have an issue helping her prepare for life. After that we went back to the cabin we rented and started our day.

 

We went swimming and she talked about not having a phone. It clearly is upsetting to her that she got caught up in a phone plan with 2 other people who cant even pay either. She kept trying to ask me to give her an extra phone I had to open another plan for her and her BF at another provider and this is where I had to stop our conversations. I reminded her that whatever I do is for her, not for her MAN. Told her she needed to think and do for herself. This is why she has these issues. Besides if he cant do anything like pay a bill why be with him. It was not the best conversation but we moved past it.

 

My H even had a talk with her. But I am not sure how she received it. She says she feels numb. But I cant help her. She needs to decide how and when she wants to fix her life. So right now I am not holding my breath. She sees in her brother what true sacrifice and accomplishment is and feels like. I hope that she wants the same. Something needs to change one day.

 

Is she living with you again?

 

Good call on the cell phone. If she's all about emancipation, then she will have to pay her own bills. Thats how it goes.

[jnel921]

No she was at the graduation her dad paid for her airfare and I rented a house for myself, my H, my son and my son's friends for the 3 days. She asked to come over 1 day after the graduation.

 

I'm not going to do anything until she reaches out to me for the right reasons. Right now we look like an all inclusive hotel, rental car service and now an ATM. I am over it.

 

My son is home until Saturday however the exH has him over today. Meanwhile he didn't help me pay for his ticket back yet expecting his time. I have been scheduling appointments and washing his clothes, took his uniforms to the dry cleaners all while that jerk of a father does nothing but try an monopolize his time. This was the only weekend he was home and I work this week.

 

I cant wait to have my day in court.

Edited June 11, 2017 by jnel921

[turnera]

I've found that money is the one place where kids really have a wakeup call. Learning to do without because YOU have taken no steps to gain access to money is a big step in growing up. She's used to coming to you for stuff and, had she chosen to LIVE with you, you'd have been happy to help her (if she stayed in school). But by choosing to live with her boyfriend, well, that's where your responsibility ends. She will have to learn that distinction.

[jnel921]

On Father's my D showed up at our door. We were surprised as we hadn't heard from her since the graduation.

 

Long story short she asked to come home. Didn't like the boyfriend treatment. Not having a phone was an issue. They had a big fight and she walked about 4 miles home.

 

My H and I were uncomfortable. Didn't know how to feel. on one hand we were happy to have her home, the second one was afraid of the disappointing behavior that she is famous for.

 

We talked for a long time and she sounded convincing. We took her to pick up her things, however she hung out with the BF the same night. She said that she didn't want to stop seeing him, just didn't want to live there.

 

My H and I were going to be away. We told her to stay with her dad. But she promised she would take car of my home and that I didn't need to board the dogs because she would take care of them.

 

We went away last week and needless to say she didn't do anything she promised. She had her BF in my home spending the nights. They drank all my H beer. Left a mess of food, dishes in my sink and dirty stove. The floors had dog pee in every room The house was a mess and smelled really bad.

 

My D wasn't even home when we got in. When we did see her we let her have it. She was not remorseful nor did she care. Enough was enough. We told her she couldn't stay. She has been at the BF's and came by tonight to get some of her things. I tried to talk to her, but every word was an argument.

 

Right now she has no glasses. This BF has broken them too and he wont pay to replace them. She was fighting with me today to help her but I have a problem with her being so forgiving and excusing that the guy especially since he did this to her. How is it they expect me to pay for their broken plates?

 

So yes money will be a big reason she will not succeed with this choice. The guy is a loser and disrespectful. She has gotten so out of hand and has crossed too may lines. I am not sure how she can redeem herself from any of this.

 

I cant open my doors like that ever again.

[Globug]

I am so sorry you are still on this roller coaster with your daughter. It has to be so painful and hard. You are still picking up the rope. She seriously has to hit rock bottom before you can help her. Letting her come home because she doesn't like having a phone or doesn't "want" to live with BF anymore but still wants to see him is not rock bottom. She has not once kept her word to you so believing all her promises and her not following through is you still holding on to false hope. Just remember your mantra: "I am sorry you feel that way / are facing this. I know you have been raised right and will figure this out. I cannot help you with this." Over and over again this is what you tell her no matter what she says, lies, begs, or cries. You will know when she is truly at rock bottom. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[jnel921]

Thanks Globug ...... this is what I needed to hear and exactly what i said to her today when I got yet another text asking to come home because she is in a fight with her BF.

 

You are right this is a roller coaster and I want off. I am realizing that it is stupid of me to keep having this false hope only to have her disappoint me yet one more time. She doesn't care about me or this family anymore.

 

I want to have some peace and not be broken into pieces every time she says something to me. She has been far from nice lately. very verbally abusive and demanding things that I refuse to give.

 

I wont be reaching out, I agree she needs to hit that rock bottom. In the meantime I need to get back to my own life and get out of these feelings i am in.

[Whodatdog]

Next time she comes knocking on your day, saying she doesnt want to live with boyfriend again, tell her "Just hang on a minute", close the door, go to your computer, and read this entire thread.

 

If you do that, and then go back and open the door, and she's still there, say "Im sorry, but no." and close that door.

 

edited to say: if she were my daughter, theres no way in hell Id ever let her take care of my dog. He means too much to me.

[jnel921]

Thanks Who Dat Dog.

 

You would be so proud of me because she did call me Wednesday and I told her she was not allowed to come back home.

 

I told her if she really wanted to accomplish and prove anything to me it would have to be from a distance.

 

She just got hired at the mall. Keep the job and be responsible, not only at work but with your money.

 

Stop smoking on your own.

 

Go to counseling. I arranged a meeting for her. Let's see if she goes. I told her that these changes might change her relationships.

 

But I am not going to stress out in my own home ever again.

 

Like Globug has embedded in my mind... I am sorry you are going through this, but I know I raised you right. You will figure it out.

[Whodatdog]

You are awesome.

[MuddyFootprints]

There is medical assistance available for people who have difficulty quitting smoking...if she wants to. She doesn't have to do it on her own.

 

Why should you pick her counsellor and make the appointment?

 

This isn't a kid. She's 19? almost 20? Hopefully you aren't basing the financing of her counselling on your preferred counsellor?

 

She does a medical work up. Full blood work done. And to speak to a doctor.

 

We know you don't like her much. She doesn't even come close to meeting the standards of your golden boy.

 

I kind of admire her spunk.

[jnel921]

Muddy... not sure what you admire. I am disappointed.

 

Her stepmother recently tried to get her to go to an inpatient dual diagnosis center in PA. She spoke to the director for over an hour and was about 90% convinced to go. The program would have been 30 days.

 

She thought about it for 5 minutes after the call and said no. She said she could do it on her own. She said she preferred counseling. I set up the appointment because she is still under my insurance, so I get whatever they give me.

 

My daughter has graduated to Molly and more recently cocaine. So its just not the pot. A lot of people here thought I was wrong to stop her from using but I was told this is the gateway drug and now she is doing others.

 

Because of her behavior and her relationship with a guy who is equally as mental as she is I have to keep my distance and like I said help her from afar. Her dad was giving her $60 a week but has since stopped since finding out she splits the money with her BF and she buys drugs with the remainder

 

She says she wants to come home, but her plan is not for her. Its for them both. I have read texts where she tells him she will help him pay his debts and pretty much give him everything if he wants her too. How is this supposed to happen? My money? I don't think so.

 

Meanwhile this guy has done nothing but hurt my daughter mentally and physically. She is choosing to be with that fool. I am not going to assist that.

 

As long as she is with him, she can stay out of my home. I want nothing to do with that or them. My H and I work hard for everything we have and its not to hand it over to a pair of ingrates...one of which i did not give birth to.

 

Hopefully she will wake up and smell the coffee and do for herself and do it right.

[Whodatdog]

Dont give up and stand firm. Youve given her chance after chance after chance, and she has trashed them all. You dont deserve to be treated like you have been, you know that. You dont have to give her everything to show her that you still love her. You have given her all that you can. Its now time for her to take care of herself.

[MuddyFootprints]

Muddy... not sure what you admire. I am disappointed.

 

Her stepmother recently tried to get her to go to an inpatient dual diagnosis center in PA. She spoke to the director for over an hour and was about 90% convinced to go. The program would have been 30 days.

 

She thought about it for 5 minutes after the call and said no. She said she could do it on her own. She said she preferred counseling. I set up the appointment because she is still under my insurance, so I get whatever they give me.

 

My daughter has graduated to Molly and more recently cocaine. So its just not the pot. A lot of people here thought I was wrong to stop her from using but I was told this is the gateway drug and now she is doing others.

 

Because of her behavior and her relationship with a guy who is equally as mental as she is I have to keep my distance and like I said help her from afar. Her dad was giving her $60 a week but has since stopped since finding out she splits the money with her BF and she buys drugs with the remainder

 

She says she wants to come home, but her plan is not for her. Its for them both. I have read texts where she tells him she will help him pay his debts and pretty much give him everything if he wants her too. How is this supposed to happen? My money? I don't think so.

 

Meanwhile this guy has done nothing but hurt my daughter mentally and physically. She is choosing to be with that fool. I am not going to assist that.

 

As long as she is with him, she can stay out of my home. I want nothing to do with that or them. My H and I work hard for everything we have and its not to hand it over to a pair of ingrates...one of which i did not give birth to.

 

Hopefully she will wake up and smell the coffee and do for herself and do it right.

 

Then, I guess, yes. This is the road to estrangement.

 

She'll figure it out. It's truly unfortunate for both of you.

 

She didn't come about her stubbornness on her own, ya know. She probably has more of your personality traits than you realize or appreciate.

[IndigoNight]

OP, instead of your daughter going into therapy to please you, why don't you go into therapy together? Your daughter has been a difficult teen, no doubt, but is she really so bad that you are contemplating giving up on her?

Edited July 25, 2017 by IndigoNight

[Whodatdog]

Did you read this thread??

[IndigoNight]

Did you read this thread??

 

Most of it. The gist being a daughter that is "problem child" and a family fed up with the lies, drugs, and deceit. Yes?