Torn Between Wife/Daugter and Pregnant Affair

[Lumberjack923]

My Name is Scott. I am 33 years old and have been married for 7 years and have a 4.5 year old daughter. I have been with my wife since we were seniors in high school. This past March, I left my family and moved in with my brother. My marriage had many problems. I obviously love my wife, but things such as money, infertility, and me playing the child in a parent/child relationship made me snap. I was living with my wife and daughter in her parents house which was not a good situation. Through counseling my wife and I both agree that her entire family has an enmeshed relationship. She has two brothers who both have families and all work in the same family business. We are involved in that business as well.

 

Walking out in March was the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought our marriage was done and I met another woman who is 25 years old. She is great and we get along very well. She seems like somebody that would be considered a best friend or “soul mate”. During this time, my wife has come to terms with alot of the issues that we had as a married couple. She has personally made a huge change in outlook on life that is more congruent with myself. At one point I broke off the affair with Erika and moved back in with my wife Kelly, but the my desire to be around Erika never faded. In return, i turned into a liar and started playing both parties. I am a people pleaser and don’t want to hurt anybody. During the summer, my affair partner became pregnant and I am so torn as to what to do. Kelly knows about this and she still wants to make the marriage work.

 

Both Kelly and Erika want a decision to what I am going to do. I know I put myself in this terrible situation, but I have no idea what to do. On one hand I have a wife and child and on the other I have another woman that I love who is pregnant with my child. Growing up I would have never dreamed that I would ever be in a situation like this. I have gone to counseling and still struggle with what to do. I love two women and I am going to shatter one of their lives. I don’t know how to deal with this or get past the guilt of what is happening. I’m afraid of breaking my daughter and I am afraid of not knowing my son who is not even born yet. Erika is 12.5 weeks pregnant. I feel like I am killing everybody around me and I don’t want to have back and forth conflicted feelings anymore. I am currently staying at my moms house to do some soul searching, but I know a decision needs to be made soon. Please help me. I want everybody who is involved in this situation to be able to move on, but it all hinges on me.

 

Thank you,

Scott

[MidnightBlue1980]

My Name is Scott. I am 33 years old and have been married for 7 years and have a 4.5 year old daughter. I have been with my wife since we were seniors in high school. This past March, I left my family and moved in with my brother. My marriage had many problems. I obviously love my wife, but things such as money, infertility, and me playing the child in a parent/child relationship made me snap. I was living with my wife and daughter in her parents house which was not a good situation. Through counseling my wife and I both agree that her entire family has an enmeshed relationship. She has two brothers who both have families and all work in the same family business. We are involved in that business as well.

 

Walking out in March was the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought our marriage was done and I met another woman who is 25 years old. She is great and we get along very well. She seems like somebody that would be considered a best friend or “soul mate”. During this time, my wife has come to terms with alot of the issues that we had as a married couple. She has personally made a huge change in outlook on life that is more congruent with myself. At one point I broke off the affair with Erika and moved back in with my wife Kelly, but the my desire to be around Erika never faded. In return, i turned into a liar and started playing both parties. I am a people pleaser and don’t want to hurt anybody. During the summer, my affair partner became pregnant and I am so torn as to what to do. Kelly knows about this and she still wants to make the marriage work.

 

Both Kelly and Erika want a decision to what I am going to do. I know I put myself in this terrible situation, but I have no idea what to do. On one hand I have a wife and child and on the other I have another woman that I love who is pregnant with my child. Growing up I would have never dreamed that I would ever be in a situation like this. I have gone to counseling and still struggle with what to do. I love two women and I am going to shatter one of their lives. I don’t know how to deal with this or get past the guilt of what is happening. I’m afraid of breaking my daughter and I am afraid of not knowing my son who is not even born yet. Erika is 12.5 weeks pregnant. I feel like I am killing everybody around me and I don’t want to have back and forth conflicted feelings anymore. I am currently staying at my moms house to do some soul searching, but I know a decision needs to be made soon. Please help me. I want everybody who is involved in this situation to be able to move on, but it all hinges on me.

 

Thank you,

Scott

 

First of all, you should not have used all the real names but as I am responding, it will be too late for you to edit this post.

 

Here is how I see it - this is not about which woman do you want, this is about your children. You can certainly have a relationship with both children regardless of who you decide to be with. It's all mixed up together and it would be impossible for you to think clearly.

 

Is it possible for the 3 of you to all meet about this? I'm guessing both women are heartbroken. Don't add to it by leaving one of the children behind.

 

Have you seen a lawyer about your rights?

 

I also think this is in the wrong board.

[SoleMate]

Tough situation Scott. Since child(ren) are involved, their wellbeing must come first. You and Erika may want to consider termination of the pregnancy. As to what to do, here's the plan:

 

1) Put your daughter first and protect your relationship with her

 

2) Stop having sex with either woman (sorry :-o ); it confuses everyone and you also risk a pregnancy with your wife. Or if you can't do that, commit to topnotch birth control for both you (condom) and your partner (long-acting BC like Norplant, Depo Provera etc.). Any woman who can't see the wisdom of this is not an appropriate sex partner for you at this time

 

3) Get yourself into individual counseling to help rediscover your values, goals, and boundaries

 

4) Take personal responsibility for where you are. You are already halfway there; you didn't come here to deny, justify, or blame, you came asking for help. Please try to go all the way and understand deeply that although others participated in your life story, you are the captain of your life and when you drive right up on a reef, you are the only who caused it and you are the only one who can fix it. Try saying, "I neglected my marriage, I didn't take adequate steps to resolve my concerns about my marriage, I lied and cheated, I was careless about birth control, I put my daughter's security and comfort at risk" etc. You fill in EVERYTHING you need to take ownership of.

 

5) Don't take responsibility for the free and informed choices of other adults.....not at this time. You have your hands full with your own issues. OTOH, if certain adults made choices after depending reasonably on your apparently good faith assertions, you will have to take ownership for fixing that too.

 

6) Be aware that the sexual attraction to Erika is strong and hard to fight, but doing so is the price of reconciliation and a peaceful homelife. Sure, you could jump from Kelly to Erika where the flame is strong at the moment, but I don't advise it as the flame will inevitably simmer down with Erika and you can't keep swapping women.

 

7) Find yourself. Is it your goal to be a good father and a trustworthy partner? If so, how much work are you willing to put in?

 

8) Kelly pushed you around in your marriage....I get it. The manly way top address is to stand up forthrightly and lovingly let her know where your boundaries are and that you insist on being treated with the same respect you give her.

 

You're actually amazingly lucky that you have 2 women who want to be with you even after you've abused the trust of both. Good luck, this may be the hardest time in your life but it's worth getting right as your life and your daughter's life depend on it.

[Lumberjack923]

Tough situation Scott. Since child(ren) are involved, their wellbeing must come first. You and Erika may want to consider termination of the pregnancy. As to what to do, here's the plan:

 

1) Put your daughter first and protect your relationship with her

 

2) Stop having sex with either woman (sorry :-o ); it confuses everyone and you also risk a pregnancy with your wife. Or if you can't do that, commit to topnotch birth control for both you (condom) and your partner (long-acting BC like Norplant, Depo Provera etc.). Any woman who can't see the wisdom of this is not an appropriate sex partner for you at this time

 

3) Get yourself into individual counseling to help rediscover your values, goals, and boundaries

 

4) Take personal responsibility for where you are. You are already halfway there; you didn't come here to deny, justify, or blame, you came asking for help. Please try to go all the way and understand deeply that although others participated in your life story, you are the captain of your life and when you drive right up on a reef, you are the only who caused it and you are the only one who can fix it. Try saying, "I neglected my marriage, I didn't take adequate steps to resolve my concerns about my marriage, I lied and cheated, I was careless about birth control, I put my daughter's security and comfort at risk" etc. You fill in EVERYTHING you need to take ownership of.

 

5) Don't take responsibility for the free and informed choices of other adults.....not at this time. You have your hands full with your own issues. OTOH, if certain adults made choices after depending reasonably on your apparently good faith assertions, you will have to take ownership for fixing that too.

 

6) Be aware that the sexual attraction to Erika is strong and hard to fight, but doing so is the price of reconciliation and a peaceful homelife. Sure, you could jump from Kelly to Erika where the flame is strong at the moment, but I don't advise it as the flame will inevitably simmer down with Erika and you can't keep swapping women.

 

7) Find yourself. Is it your goal to be a good father and a trustworthy partner? If so, how much work are you willing to put in?

 

8) Kelly pushed you around in your marriage....I get it. The manly way top address is to stand up forthrightly and lovingly let her know where your boundaries are and that you insist on being treated with the same respect you give her.

 

You're actually amazingly lucky that you have 2 women who want to be with you even after you've abused the trust of both. Good luck, this may be the hardest time in your life but it's worth getting right as your life and your daughter's life depend on it.

Thank you very much for your insight. I truly appreciate it. I am doing my best on working on myself finding who I am again. My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. That was the hardest part in leaving the first time. If I go back to my wife, I don't know how to handle my situation with Erika. How is someone supposed to cope with having another child with someone they care about and regain the trust of their wife? I have heard many examples of how to work through it, such having no contact at all with mother and baby or integrating the baby into my life (which would mean Erika would still be a part of my life). Both options seem to be dreadful.

[S2B]

Grow up! Do that first!

 

Live on your own and support yourself.

 

Stop living with parents. Heck, you can't even live on your own and now you will have to provide for TWO families.

 

Get to work making money.

 

Hopefully you'll be so busy working you won't have time to get someone pregnant again.

 

I feel sorry for both women. Do them both a favor and be on your own for a LONG while - you need to be independent and gain insight as to how to be a responsible person who makes wise choices.

 

Your wife may want you back but she may never trust you.

[beautifulinside2]

You should remind Erika that you are still a married man and let her know that you are going to try and do whatever in your power to repair the damage to your family. Do it quickly to allow Erika enough time to make whatever decision she chooses to make about the baby. Chances are this is infatuation and you may regret leaving your wife for her especially given her age. She pulled the whole getting pregnant hoping to get him to stay trick... smh

 

During this time, you are to have no contact with Erica, if she chooses to still have you baby than you can call her in 6 months after the baby is born or have her call you then. Then start healing your broken family and be thankful that your wife came around to her senses and changed, after realizing she loves her family. People evolve several times over the course of a long relationship and its impossible to always be at the same place at the same time emotionally at every step.

I know it feels great to finally feel appreciated by your wife and now you feel important after feeling insignificant for such a long time, but it ends now. Suck it up and you both start showing humility for your roles in this mess. Good luck

[l8estnews]

I have heard many examples of how to work through it, such having no contact at all with mother and baby

 

These examples came from demons and not human beings at all. If you leave one child behind, you will be much less of a person, let alone the worst kind.

 

Don't go down this path.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am struggling to understand why both women put up with this

[Lumberjack923]

Grow up! Do that first!

 

Live on your own and support yourself.

 

Stop living with parents. Heck, you can't even live on your own and now you will have to provide for TWO families.

 

Get to work making money.

 

Hopefully you'll be so busy working you won't have time to get someone pregnant again.

 

I feel sorry for both women. Do them both a favor and be on your own for a LONG while - you need to be independent and gain insight as to how to be a responsible person who makes wise choices.

 

Your wife may want you back but she may never trust you.

I don't know why you think I don't have a job or make money. I own a business and have other streams of income in addition to a townhouse that I am currently renting for myself. I am just at my moms house to resist temptation while I get my head together. Like I said, I never imagined myself ever being in this position. I'm just looking for unbiased opinions or guidance from people who might have been in or know this type of situation.

[S2B]

You were living with your wife and daughter at her parents house when you were together.

 

Then you lived with your brother.

 

Now you live with your Mom.

 

Why? If you own property why aren't you ever living in that property? Especially given that living with her parents caused strain on your marriage...

 

And by the way - having a job is good but not a sign that someone is acting like a grown up who makes responsible decisions.

 

Heck, a good chunk of your earned money is about to go to supporting one or possibly two children, depending if one (or none) woman stays with you.

 

You stayed with the OW after pretending to go back to your wife - have you told your wife this? Why would your wife stay if you've told her the truth?

 

Get honest! Totally honest. Live with the results of what you've created...that's what I mean when I say grow up. And be in your own for a long time...it seems you've caused harm to two women and two babies - just stop so you don't cause even MORE harm.

 

And believe me many folks here know this scenario - so just understand we have seen it and lived it. As far as "unbiased"? Honey, every person brings their own life experiences to posts here.

 

Coddling posters isn't effective. If you want kid gloves ask your Momma.

 

If you don't trust yourself enough to be on your own and make good decisions then you need serious professional help and guidance.

Edited November 20, 2016 by S2B

[S2B]

And don't be with either woman.

 

Your posts don't show enough empathy or concern about how you have negatively affected them.

 

Don't be with any women until you can understand how THEY must feel.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You should remind Erika that you are still a married man and let her know that you are going to try and do whatever in your power to repair the damage to your family. Do it quickly to allow Erika enough time to make whatever decision she chooses to make about the baby. Chances are this is infatuation and you may regret leaving your wife for her especially given her age. She pulled the whole getting pregnant hoping to get him to stay trick... smh

 

During this time, you are to have no contact with Erica, if she chooses to still have you baby than you can call her in 6 months after the baby is born or have her call you then. Then start healing your broken family and be thankful that your wife came around to her senses and changed, after realizing she loves her family. People evolve several times over the course of a long relationship and its impossible to always be at the same place at the same time emotionally at every step.

I know it feels great to finally feel appreciated by your wife and now you feel important after feeling insignificant for such a long time, but it ends now. Suck it up and you both start showing humility for your roles in this mess. Good luck

 

This is horrible advice. It is his baby and his responsibility.

[S2B]

This is horrible advice. It is his baby and his responsibility.

 

And he will be financially responsible for both no matter what woman he thinks he's choosing.

[MidwestUSA]

Hey Scott.

How do you know she's having a boy if she's 12.5 weeks along?

 

Just curious. It would take a pretty expensive procedure (CVS) to know that. I hope you stepped up and covered that expense.

[DeeplyMissHer]

Wow, man, I don't envy you.

 

First, you abandon your wife and child, and then get involved with another woman and got her pregnant. Regardless of what you choose to do, at least one innocent person's life will be in disarray. I honestly think you should divorce your wife and break up for good with the affair partner.

 

I'd focus on being a good father to the child you have with your wife. And once this new baby is born to ask for a DNA test. Any woman who would sleep with a married man and be okay with it, aren't too bright to began with.

[Lumberjack923]

Hey Scott.

How do you know she's having a boy if she's 12.5 weeks along?

 

Just curious. It would take a pretty expensive procedure (CVS) to know that. I hope you stepped up and covered that expense.

She said the ultrasound showed it

[MidwestUSA]

She said the ultrasound showed it

 

That's highly unusual. I wouldn't buy everything in blue just yet. Good luck!

[MidnightBlue1980]

She said the ultrasound showed it

 

No, it doesn't show gender until the 20 week appointment. I will say though that I did not have that test where you give you all the probabilities for Downs and other issues. I am not sure if that test gives gender. Maybe someone on here found out the gender before the 20 week big test.

[miltie1916]

This is unacceptable behavior. Would you and your wife be open to seeking professional help? This type of behavior can be dangerous for both of you. Women are at particularly at risk for physical harm when "hooking up" with strangers. There is also the risk to her and you of contracting an STD. As for snooping on her tablet, ideally husbands and wives should make known their user IDs and passwords to each other even if there is no suspicion of impropriety, just in case one spouse is incapacitated. It might be better given the situation that your devices be limited to a common desktop PC centrally located in the home and two basic flip phones with no data access.

[miltie1916]

I believe you should return to your wife and child and try to reestablish your family. You will need to support your child by the other woman and hopefully she will be amenable to you taking part in his upbringing. I would think it best that your interaction with your son's mother take place only with your wife accompanying you. Continued counseling would seem to be in order for all three adults. Your daughter many need counseling as well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I believe you should return to your wife and child and try to reestablish your family. You will need to support your child by the other woman and hopefully she will be amenable to you taking part in his upbringing. I would think it best that your interaction with your son's mother take place only with your wife accompanying you. Continued counseling would seem to be in order for all three adults. Your daughter many need counseling as well.[/QUOT

 

This guy needs to be upfront with the OW immediately.

[anika99]

No, it doesn't show gender until the 20 week appointment. I will say though that I did not have that test where you give you all the probabilities for Downs and other issues. I am not sure if that test gives gender. Maybe someone on here found out the gender before the 20 week big test.

 

That test is also not done until about 18wks of pregnancy. I can't believe that anyone told the OW the sex of the baby at less than 12 wks pregnant, especially not based on an ultrasound. Sounds suspicious to me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

That test is also not done until about 18wks of pregnancy. I can't believe that anyone told the OW the sex of the baby at less than 12 wks pregnant, especially not based on an ultrasound. Sounds suspicious to me.

 

It probably it his baby, the OW is probably heartbroken and just wants to try and get him to pick her. I can't judge her for that. I could not imagine being pregnant with xmm's baby, but that is me. I have kids, so I know how you are linking yourself to a person for a lifetime.

[IfonlyIknew]

Like he doesn't have enough people judging him at home? This man is in the hardest situation of his life. Forget the abortion. You will get through this. I've seen this exact situation unfold on the other side of my kids family. Their uncle married to a woman for 15 years.. got another woman pregnant, it was the hardest confession.. you made it past this part. 6 years later, everyone gets along and we welcome the child and his mother.

 

Bottom line is your wife and your child come first. Erika needs to understand this. There is no way around hurt feelings, but acceptance comes next and everyone WILL heal. You need to set up visitation as soon as possible and love your wife and children.

[Mr. Lucky]

Both options seem to be dreadful.

 

And yet they're the only choices you have.

 

Coddling posters isn't effective. If you want kid gloves ask your Momma.

 

Afraid I'm with S2B on this, way too much thought on your part about how this affects you but little consideration for the destruction wreaked on others.

 

You come across as self-absorbed...

 

Mr. Lucky