ErinErinErin Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 Queenie! No No No! Did I forget to add- NO?!!! Remember all the sh*t he put you through and don't do anything for his birthday- play it like it's just another day! P.S. NO! Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 14, 2005 Author Share Posted July 14, 2005 Guess the verdict is no. I hate to be "that" person. Like just because he treated me badly doesnt mean i have to treat him badly too but I guess ignoring his bday isnt half as bad as what he did to me. Saying I love on a thursday and clearly out of the blue on friday breaking up with me.. Sadly I think it would make more sense to me if there was someone else or some other interest but hes not even dating anyone else... so weird to throw away what we had. I do believe he has a slight case of commitmentphobia..at least thats what all signs point to. I have even read a couple books on it and it descibes what happened to a tee..... Have any of you dealt with commitment phobic people? Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 No to anything for an EX Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 committment phobic people? yes... these people only want you in the palm of their hands... you can persevere if you are convinced they are the only one for you...otherwise what is the point in aching your heart out for someone who clearly doesn't think you're worth it, no matter how hard you try... don't be a puppet on his string... for all the insecurities in the world, only he knows if he wants to be with you forever, if he won't face up to these feelings, you have to walk away... what else can you do, to keep your own sanity? Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 14, 2005 Author Share Posted July 14, 2005 wow that was great. So basically they want to keep you in the palm of their hands but they dont want to commit? I read a book that strangely described my breakup to a tee....basically they break up with you when things are great, they just walk away for no reason and it leaves the dumpee completely in shock and confused, which i was. Now he keeps resurfacing but only thru email... I really did think he was the one because our relationship was awesome, we had EVERYTHING in common and never fought. He obviously either got scared or else he really didnt love me. Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 sounds very familiar...i am ashamed to say my ex has me right where he wants me, and if he senses that i am drifting away, he initiates contact thru sms or email... you can come up with all the excuses in the world, but if he won't plain tell you his feelings or want to deal with the situation between you, you're gonna save yourself a lot of grief just to walk away... it's been 2 1/2 months now and i've tried to 'love him back'...waste of time...he has had exactly what he wants, me at the end of the line, proclaiming my undying love over and over, him in a totally comfortable place where he hasnt had to do anything except reply to my emails...don't be a sucker enough is enough... you dont need him Queenie, just keep telling yourself that...and remind yourself he aint gonna get better than you so pity him that Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 14, 2005 Author Share Posted July 14, 2005 wow it does sounds like we are in the exact same situation. How sad and its been 2.5 months for both of us!!! You are right, they do have us right where they want us and I hate to say it but once the partying ends they are both going to be lonely... There is really only one more full month left of summer then their isnt much to do...so the fun will stop and we will be gone! I dont think they will get any better then us either and if they can just break up with a person for no good reason then they arent worth our time!! Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 The way I see it, they cant miss you if you are always around for them to come back to. Make yourself a challenge...men respect the things they have to work for Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 14, 2005 Author Share Posted July 14, 2005 Bingo!! Hence the new gym schedule I made for myself...unfortunately he saw me yesterday while he was walking down for his smoke break and i was in the gym. I ignored him completely tho... Today has been one week since our last email conversation. It makes me so mad because he iniates the emails and then like a dummy i reply only to have him stop replying when he feels like it...real nice!! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 I do believe he has a slight case of commitmentphobia..at least thats what all signs point to. I have even read a couple books on it and it descibes what happened to a tee..... Everyone has this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 14, 2005 Author Share Posted July 14, 2005 yeah well unfortunately most of these types of people realize what they gave up once its too late! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 I don't doubt that some of them do. Usually it's not 'til after they screw up with someone else. If they're lucky, the other person will forgive them. If they're unlucky, it means the other person finally got the memo and decided to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 I also seriously doubt that they realise what they miss, for me that is so far, they don't even think they have done anything wrong. I have one example, in one case a girl who dumped her bf, had cheated on him and lied about it, when he finally got to know and asked her why she lied ? There was not a single bit of remorse , rather she said that I lied to you cause if I had told you then you would be hurt !!!! amazing logic, what to say now ? Link to post Share on other sites
butterfly29 Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 queenie, Your situation is soo similiar to mine, it's scary... Everything was great, and he told me he loved me a day before he broke up with me over the phone! Not that the signs weren't there but I chose to ignore them. I never really did completely trust him and I should have listened to my instincts better. Like in your case, he didn't give me a what I call legitimate reason for breaking up and there were "nobody else". He wouldn't lie about something like that. And yeah, his emails showed up every now and then. Don't beat yourself up about being "that person", honestly it's not doing anyone, especially you any good. I used to think in the same lines and it's easy to. I was so anoyed at how much of a cheapskate he was towards me, I started giving him expensive gifts just to prove it to him that I am not "that person". I regret it big time now. And for his bd last year, I threw him a surprize party! No one ever did that to him like that! And this time I can't wait for his bd, just so that I can casually ignore it. Let him feel the difference... Link to post Share on other sites
Duvessa Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 I have the same problem.My exs b-day is in 2 1/2 weeks. Thought about emailing him. Not gonna do it. I hope i dont change my mind by then. On day 3 of nc. Doing pretty good. Be strong. Dont let them think you give a **** or even remember their b-day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 14, 2005 Author Share Posted July 14, 2005 Well my ex from a long time ago did regret and still regrets his decision about giving me up...unfortunately when he came back it was too late and i had met the new guy, who i am pinning over now, go figure. He told me that most guys dont open their eyes until you cut them off completely. Even the slightest communication will ease their minds and make them ok with their decision. So long as they know you are still somewhat interested they are ok... Well I have news....I am cutting off my ex completely and have started as of last friday, so far so good, no emails from him either. My ex was an amazing boyfriend, gave me beautiful gifts, took me to nice restaurants etc..but it was all reciprocated on my end. We really had a good thing. I dont know where it went wrong and i probably will never know... all i can do is know that i gave it my all. Link to post Share on other sites
ErinErinErin Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn No to anything for an EX This is the best quote yet...Plain and Simple... Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 queenie, you're doing a great job...i feel for you, i really do...its weird because my ex's birthday is also coming up in the next few weeks...you're no way alone in your experience.... unfortunately, i am still in the thick of it...we email almost everyday, he says he still wants to share things with me, know what i'm doing...i still feel really close to him, I tell him everything still, but he's like a glorified pen pal...unfortunately, as long as he keeps replying, and asking me questions about myself, i'm going to keep writing to him... in some sad, pathetic way, i think he still loves me...sigh Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Originally posted by francis in some sad, pathetic way, i think he still loves me...sigh It's not sad or pathetic ... there is nothing Pathetic about a broken heart.. Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Queenie, just to add... at least you know you did your best by him, and that makes you a fab person who DESERVES someone good and wonderful and loving... Not feeling like you've had a full explanation is the most frustrating thing in the world...the gray area that will always have you wondering...niggling away at you all the time...it's like without proper closure, you cannot move on, especially when you dont want to...sigh Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 thanks Fly...that means a lot...that support is really meaningful Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 18, 2005 Author Share Posted July 18, 2005 Thanks for your responses everyone... I just am still so sad and feel like part of me is missing and the sad part of it all is that he really just doenst care. Someone who can cut you out of their life like that with no warning amazes me. We dont talk at all, he doesnt even bother to text message or call me, the most i get is an occasional email and i only get one of those after about 2 weeks of no contact... whats the point. now his bday is on saturday and i know that if i dont acknowledge it he will know that he no longer has me. Part of me doesnt know if thats right or wrong tho... like if i dont acknowledge it i sort of feel like any chances for reconciliation are gone but then if i do acknowledge it, he will get his ego boosted and feel great while i feel like crap since he is the one who dumped me and isnt having any regrets! Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted July 18, 2005 Share Posted July 18, 2005 hi queenie, i think that you should just let saturday go as his birthday, treat it as any other day and get yourself to a health spa or book a hair appointment, spoil yourself, surround yourself with friends or family, go for a mountain walk, drive yourself off to a place you've never been...you're not being malicious, i know you dont hate him or wish him any harm, but he has chosen to leave your life...he shouldnt expect anything from you...he may respect you even more if you don't contact him...and it might shock him a bit that he senses you may have moved on...i think you will have more impact if you don't acknowledge the day Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 18, 2005 Author Share Posted July 18, 2005 Thanks Francis, I think you are right, i just feel cruel not acknowleding it but then again we arent friends so why bother. He has treated me worse than i have ever been treated, and i dont mean he was abusive or anything i just mean i have never been completely disregarded but anyone. I feel like he broke up with me then buried me or threw me in the garbage and its the worse feeling... also doesnt help that he is 4 floors above me everyday. You know its sad to me because hes such a great guy, he has major trust and insecurity issues tho. He used to be nervous when i went out with my friends because guys would hit on me etc.... he told me he has never trusted anyone and that i was the first person he could trust and he said it was a great feeling... All in all, i wish him well and hope that he finds that "perfect or fairytale" relationship he is looking for, I for one know it doesnt exist and i also feel people dont know what they got until its gone! Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted July 18, 2005 Share Posted July 18, 2005 the frustrating thing is that you are not able to say this to him...is there any chance you could? you have so much unresolved stuff...he's clearly being a coward, not facing his responsibility to you as a decent person with feelings... i mean, for you to get closure, for you to get him out of your system...clinging onto the hope is punishing you...can you imagine yourself with anyone else? did you see him as 'the one'? i'm in this situation right now... you love him, i know this...and knowing he is so near to you physically, but so far from you emotionally, must be hell... what you must ask yourself is what will it take for you to move on? Link to post Share on other sites
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