Husband weird since ex's return

[kimbers]

Hi everyone. Sorry for the long post, would like some advice on my husband.

 

We've been together for 6 years, married for 5. He is 33, I'm 25. He was my first love. We have two young children. Since my early teens I have struggled with anxiety and depression. I had no self esteem and didn't enjoy life. Every day was a drag. I just simply existed. I had trouble opening up to people and I pushed away people I care about. Since meeting my husband things have improved. He is so caring, attentive, patient, supportive and understanding. He would sit down and listen to me rant and vent for hours. I was/am very attentive to his needs too. Our marriage was pretty much perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better best friend, husband and father to our kids. He means everything to me.

 

He has known his ex since childhood. They dated on and off through school, were roommates in their early 20s and married for 2 years. My husband initiated the divorce. He told me that getting married ruined their friendship. They realized that they weren't relationship material. It was dragged out for far too long. Shortly after the divorce she moved states and my husband ceased contact with her.

 

We met a year or so after his divorce, so I don't think I was a rebound. He was 27, I was 19. He pursued me. He was very open about stuff, such as his ex, which I took as a great sign. They have the same childhood friends from school. His friends and family still talk to her. It did cross my mind that I could be getting myself into a messy situation but I decided to give it a shot. It wasn't like she was still in the picture, she was in a different state. He told me that she was very bitter about the divorce.

 

I was hoping to never meet her but a few times a year she would turn up at social events. She was very friendly to us, weird considering my husband told me she was bitter. My husband was very cold and distant with her. When we went home there would be a weird atmosphere. It would ruin his whole day just seeing her.

 

Earlier this year, to my horror, she moved back here (after getting remarried and divorced). We went from seeing her a few times a year to every 3 weeks or so, sometimes more. We meet up with my husband's friends and their spouses every so often. She would turn up. She is friends with them too.

 

My husband has warped into a different person. It was like flipping a switch. At first he would be very mean and rude to her but now he talks to her and he sucks up to her. Sometimes he will stop listening to me mid convo and he will stare at her. He gets jealous when she flirts with other guys. When I ask him about it he points out something behind her and says something stupid such as "just admiring that painting", "just watching the tv". Another time she was about to go home with some random guy. My husband intervened. I had a girl friend comment to me about his behavior so I'm sure I'm not imaging it.

 

One night he had too much to drink and he started a argument with her. She got upset and left. We went home early. He was miserable all evening, wouldn't talk to me or the kids. The next day he arranged to meet up with her to apologize and settle things. He asked me to go with him, after arranging it... I was annoyed that he didn't mention it to me first but I went anyway. He apologized to her and pretty much sucked up to her in front of me. This was out of character for him. He is a very stubborn man and he apologizes through actions, not words. He will never say sorry to me ever, he just goes out and buys flowers or chocolates or something. He is also not a people pleaser, quite the opposite, but he sucks up to her so bad, it is humiliating.

 

He suggested that I meet up with her for coffee or shopping. He told me that we'd get on. I said NO. I have no interest in getting to know her. I asked how would he feel if I did that to him? He agreed that it was ridiculous.

 

We go on date nights every so often. My parents, or his, babysit the kids. My husband would sometimes suggest that his ex babysit them. Wtf.

 

He will find any silly reason to text her, such as asking for a friend's birthday or trying to remember something from the past. He openly tells me about this. He doesn't hide his phone from me, sometimes he leaves it lying around, which gives me the impression that he is not trying to hide something from me.

 

He is suddenly very insecure and clingy. He often asks me if he is good enough, if I'm still attracted to him, if he is a good husband, a good father and so on. That's not like him either. He is usually very confident, on the arrogant side if anything. He makes more effort with his appearance too before we go out.

 

Sometimes he will be very sulky because of a text. It will ruin his day.

 

The worst thing that happened, in my opinion, was when he took the day off work and he picked up the kids from school and went to town. He 'bumped' into her there. He texted me about it after. I was visiting my parents. They came home and the kids mentioned how cool 'Janie' is and that she brought my son a toy train set and my daughter a doll set. Now sometimes they will ask me when they will see her next. I tell them that she is busy. It is all I can think of. I told my husband to never do that again.

 

I know that I've been ranting about him but he is an amazing man too. He means the world to me. He is an amazing father. I don't think he is cheating on me. We're together too much for that. He isn't suddenly working late nights or out most of the time.

 

I've tried talking to him about this by the way. He is understanding but blames it on stress at work. I've suggested us not seeing his friends so much, it's not too often we go but I really don't want to see his ex, but he is adamant that he wants to see them. I don't have any friends by the way, I just share his...

 

I'm wondering how long will I have to put up with this? She could be here for years, or forever. Or maybe she will move away again and my husband will go back to normal. I'm hoping it is just a phase. Am I being too soft on him? Will it cause problems in the future? Maybe he lied about initiating the divorce, maybe she did. It bruised his ego so he is sucking up to her all of the time now. Who knows. I'm so scared to lose him but I would rather people be honest. He doesn't do this with other girls, just her. Thanks for reading.

[lovemebreakme]

Could he be harboring some feelings for her? I would tell him to go no contact with her. How he is acting is not healthy.

[l8estnews]

This is a situation that really points towards EA.... I hope this won't turn out badly.

[kimbers]

Could he be harboring some feelings for her? I would tell him to go no contact with her. How he is acting is not healthy.

 

This is a situation that really points towards EA.... I hope this won't turn out badly.

 

Thanks for the replies. Yes, maybe. He is so hard to read. I've always felt that I know him well and I can read him but I can't anymore, he is so unpredictable. Just so many mood swings. It's sad for the kids too.

 

Last night he was texting a lot. I asked him who he was texting and he said his ex. Should I be happy that he is being honest? I am thinking of telling him to stop talking to her but I am scared to lose him. I've already suggested not seeing friends when she is there but he wasn't too happy about that. He seems to think that he is doing no wrong. He will listen to me but not do anything about it.

 

It is so sad to think that we had no problems prior to this. Things can just suddenly happen.

[l8estnews]

Kimbers, you need to really have a talk with your husband. Be very open about what you think and how he is acting.

 

This is very sad...

[olivetree]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, maybe. He is so hard to read. I've always felt that I know him well and I can read him but I can't anymore, he is so unpredictable. Just so many mood swings. It's sad for the kids too.

 

Last night he was texting a lot. I asked him who he was texting and he said his ex. Should I be happy that he is being honest? I am thinking of telling him to stop talking to her but I am scared to lose him. I've already suggested not seeing friends when she is there but he wasn't too happy about that. He seems to think that he is doing no wrong. He will listen to me but not do anything about it.

 

It is so sad to think that we had no problems prior to this. Things can just suddenly happen.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

His behaviour is unacceptable.

 

You are so scared to lose him that you are allowing him to disrespect you.

 

You have given him no consequences for his actions.

 

He should be scared to lose YOU with his inappropriate actions.

 

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will either.

 

Muster all your strength. Approach him calmly and tell him it has to stop. If it doesn't, this should be a dealbreaker for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Last night he was texting a lot. I asked him who he was texting and he said his ex. Should I be happy that he is being honest? I am thinking of telling him to stop talking to her but I am scared to lose him. I've already suggested not seeing friends when she is there but he wasn't too happy about that.

 

If he really is the amazing spouse and partner you've made him out to be, he'd be open to your reasonable requests for healthy boundaries considering the history. He'd also be sensitive to your obvious discomfort. That he is neither is pretty significant.

 

At the minimum, MC seems like an appropriate step. You need to learn how to communicate issues important to you, he needs help with listening.

 

Something very marriage threatening going on here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

This doesn't sound good at all and I very much doubt he bumped into her that day.

 

Don't let fear keep you rooted and accept his behaviour. You need to get out and do things for yourself. Go to the gym, try and get friendly with the mums at school. Never let your whole life revolve around your husband and his friends.

 

If you guys split up you'll have nobody to support you.

 

Personally, I'd stop going to his friends and let him go alone if he insists. At the end of the day, if he's going to have an affair he will, whether you come or not. I have no desire to see my husband sucking up to another woman.

 

I'd make it clear, that I'm not going because of his behaviour towards his Ex, not because of her presence. If he insists on going, my husband would start seeing a change in me pretty quickly by way of detachment.

 

I wouldn't keep seeing him pandering to her and as the wife ... I'm there humiliated.

[Superchicken]

That is disgraceful, and disrespectful to you.

No worse utter rubbish has been said by your spouse in response to him "Bumping in", or texting to get details.

Your obviously NOT an idiot, as you picked up on it right away.

I totally agree with the others. You need to put a complete stop to it.

If you have parents close, or a best friend, go stay there for a couple of days, or similar as a sign for him of the future to come.

 

 

Maybe just have a few bags packed on your bed, and give him the scare of his life by pretending to leave.

Maybe him seeing your packed and ready to go, might snuff out his flame.

 

 

You need to do something now, cause everyday going by, is another day closer to an affair.

 

 

Don't let up, push your views really hard, and DONT compromise with him.

You need security in this marriage, so fight for it.

 

 

Ted.