My husband hit me and is remorseful

[lovemebreakme]

I'm 26 and my husband is 32. We've been together 8 years and married 4. We have a two-year-old son together.

 

Our relationship and marriage had been good up until three days ago. My husband had been under a great deal of stress at work and dealing with grief over his father sudden death a few months ago.

 

Which brings me to three days ago. My husband alarm didn't go off and he was late for work. So his day already started on the wrong foot. He drove to work and realized that he forgot to tell me that he couldn't pick our son up from daycare and for me to call my mom to come get him. SO at 4:20, twenty minutes after he was supposed to be picked up the daycare called me.

 

After I got off the phone with the daycare provider I called my mom to go pick up my son. Then I called my husband. He admitted he forgot and I needed to show him some slack. I told him that he needed to make sure not to forget again because it looks bad on us, and also she charges 0.25 a minute for being late. He hung up on me.

 

He came home at around eight that night in a bad mood. He was criticizing everything. The house being a mess, his boss being an ass. It went on and on and on. Then he went outside to our garage. After our son was put down to sleep I went out there to talk to him.

 

He was sitting the bed of his truck staring at the ceiling. I asked him what was wrong. He told me to **** off. He was seething and shaking. I told him I wasn't leaving until he told me why he was so mad. He told me to **** off again. I should have left then but I was pissed off and I told him to grow up and stop being a baby.

 

Then he got into my face and I started shouted for him to back up and calm the **** down. It was a split second, and I am not sure what really happened but he had slapped me on the side of the face. I fell over. He instantly looked horrified and literally left after that.

 

I called my mom telling her what happened then went to bed. At around 2 am the police showed up at my house to take my statement. My mom had called the police on him. I told him it was the accident and didn't want to press charges. But they ended up arresting him anyway.

 

The following day, he called me and apologized. I told him that I had no idea my mom would call the police on him. He said he deserved it. The phone call lasted a few minutes. I told him that I needed some time to process what happened and didn't want to talk to him right now.

 

Last night, he came home a mess. He had a black eye and a split lip. Turns out my brothers went confronted him and did a number on him for hitting me. We talked for a bit. He told me that he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. He went on tell me that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, then his mother showed up at his work to vent, and that it was just a build up of anger. I felt really badly for what my brothers did to him so I let him back in the house but made him sleep on the couch.

 

Right now I'm feeling so ****ty. I wish I had never confided in my mom and now he has to deal with domestic violence charges. I'm not excusing what he did to me, but his actions were so not like him. He instantly regretted what he did and I know he wished he could go back in time. He has said he already contacted a therapist because what he did wasn't okay. And he begged me to forgive him and not leave him over this. I'm just so confused.

[Mr. Lucky]

Had he struck your son in anger instead of you, would you still be confused?

 

I'd guess this wasn't completely out of character, has your husband been verbally abusive before this happened?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lovemebreakme]

He has never really been emotionally abusive. We had arguments and he has told me to leave him alone and when he is frustrated there is some swearing. Sometimes I don't back off when he asks and that is on me. Three days ago was the first time things got that bad. I'm not even sure he even intended on doing it. Maybe it was a reflex because we were in the heat of the moment and we were in very close proximity or maybe he just did it in anger.

 

As for if he had hit my son out of anger. It'll be a deal breaker. My son is a child and there would be zero reasons for him to be in a situation where that may happen. Me I confronted him, I got into his face and wouldn't leave when he asked me to **** off. I didn't deserve it but I sure feel like if I would have just walked away this would have never happened.

[ManyDissapoint]

I would recommend therapy for the both of you. You not respecting his wishes to be left alone and then insulting him is also emotionally abusive.

 

Bad situation all around. Are you comfortable with your mom and brothers enacting retribution on your behalf?

[Mr. Lucky]

 

As for if he had hit my son out of anger. It'll be a deal breaker. My son is a child and there would be zero reasons for him to be in a situation where that may happen. Me I confronted him, I got into his face and wouldn't leave when he asked me to **** off. I didn't deserve it but I sure feel like if I would have just walked away this would have never happened.

 

To me, you're still confused. The issue isn't with the person who's been struck, there's no level of "in your face" that justifies him hitting you. If he wants to, he could always find enough provocation, the old "she deserved it" defense.

 

Your Mom did you both a favor by calling the police. Sweep this under the rug at your own peril...

 

Mr. Lucky

[submart]

You are trying to justify his action of hitting you to the point where you fell over.

 

He can be mad at you for getting in you face, but hitting you crosses into a whole other territory.

 

He needs to see a clinical psychologist immediately. And not one or two times, but but numerous sessions with you present at some of them.

[aileD]

He wasn't immediately remorseful

 

He was remorseful after he was arrested and beat up by your brothers.

 

In other words he is dealing with the consequence of his behavior up close and personal. I actually think that it's a good thing it happened this way. Because if he just was able to come home and apologize and go back to daily life, then this probably would have just been the beginning of further abuse.

 

Your post is littered with a bunch of excuses for his behavior. Justifications. "I should have walked away". "It was a reflex". "I got in his face"

 

No no no. Listen, my husband had an affair for a year and we fought and fought. I got in his face so many times, I screamed at him in the middle of the street, , I was a crazy woman. He had every reason to punch me out. Yet He never laid a hand on me. Not one hand.

 

So just because your husband had a bad day at work and you had the balls to ask him why he's being a dick, does not make it ok to lay hands on you.

 

If you want to save your marriage and make sure this never happens again, you have to continue with the consequences that your mom and brothers started.

 

Meaning. He's back out of the house. No time alone with the son, because if he can hit you then he can hit his son. He needs to be in counseling, and anger management and marriage counseling. If he's really remorseful he will do these things.

 

It should be a deal breaker if he hits anyone, not just your son. The problem is with your husband and not with your actions.

 

 

And forum side note. This is the second post I've read today with the age gap dynamic although yours isn't that large of a gap. But it just never seems to work out for the woman who falls in love at 18 with an older man. There's always that authoritative dynamic it seems

[S2B]

You are trying to justify his action of hitting you to the point where you fell over.

 

He can be mad at you for getting in you face, but hitting you crosses into a whole other territory.

 

He needs to see a clinical psychologist immediately. And not one or two times, but but numerous sessions with you present at some of them.

 

I agree - but you also need professional help to understand why it's not ok that you didn't press charges and why you're making excuses even now.

 

If things don't change then you need to divorce him.

 

Do you work? Do you drive?

[mikeylo]

Once the first strike happens,letting go without consequences, gives him permission for next and next with you always apologizing for something that he does.

 

Even if you were in the face and he was angry, he could have gotten up, gone to another room and closed the door and asked for sometime to cool down. There are many ways in which this could have been handled.

 

He needs anger management. If he is really remorseful, he would go without ifs and buts.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Below is a list of women who were only hit "once."

 

 

Let's see...so far, there's you....and then there's umm......err.....hmmmm......

[lovemebreakme]

Took me a while to learn how to use the quote function.

 

 

Bad situation all around. Are you comfortable with your mom and brothers enacting retribution on your behalf?

 

At first I was mad. But now that I really think about it was probably the right thing to do. I mean my mother calling the police on him. My brothers corning him and beating him up wasn't the answer. And I'm still mad about that.

 

He wasn't immediately remorseful

 

He was remorseful after he was arrested and beat up by your brothers.

 

 

His reaction wasn't out of character for him though. When he does something stupid, his first reaction is to look horrified and to leave to clear his mind. Maybe that wasn't the case here but I really can't say for sure if he was remorseful from the moment it happened or after he was arrested.

 

 

In other words he is dealing with the consequence of his behavior up close and personal. I actually think that it's a good thing it happened this way. Because if he just was able to come home and apologize and go back to daily life, then this probably would have just been the beginning of further abuse.

 

Your post is littered with a bunch of excuses for his behavior. Justifications. "I should have walked away". "It was a reflex". "I got in his face"

 

 

I did make a lot of excuses. And I know, even my mother said I need to seperate my faults from his faults. I do realize that I am a mean person with my words, and now I know what my husband is capable of and I shouldn't combine the two.

 

But my husband on the phone after he got out of jail, in his own words said he deserved it. And he had made an appointment on his own to see a clinical therapist. So he at least recognized and is ashamed of what he did.

 

 

And forum side note. This is the second post I've read today with the age gap dynamic although yours isn't that large of a gap. But it just never seems to work out for the woman who falls in love at 18 with an older man. There's always that authoritative dynamic it seems

 

His age isn't really that big of deal. We met at the library at campus. So we did start off with a lot in common. He did go back to univeristy after working a few years, versus me going right after high school. I never felt like he was in an authoritative role. But maybe I'm just blind because I never thought he'd ever be violent. Even once.

[lovemebreakme]

I agree - but you also need professional help to understand why it's not ok that you didn't press charges and why you're making excuses even now.

 

If things don't change then you need to divorce him.

 

Do you work? Do you drive?

 

My first reaction was his job. He makes good money and works for a well-known company. And was afraid of what would happen to our financial situation if he were to lose it. Then after thinking about it and after the wake-up call from all you guys, I realize it was the right choice. He can't even begin to really take a good look at myself and me at the state of our relationship if he doesn't have to reap some kind of responsibility.

 

Everyone is telling me to dump him and take our son far away. But I just feel like if this is a one-time thing and he is willing, like he is right now to make changes. Then I don't see how I could throw away our relationship over this one thing. Counseling and some time apart will be needed but I do believe he is a good guy at heart who made a very very inexcusable mistake.

 

I do work and I do drive. So I could survive on my own if we divorce.

Edited November 20, 2016 by lovemebreakme

[Satu]

Any degree of violence perpetrated against you is unacceptable.

 

Your mother did the right thing, and so did the police.

 

As regards your brothers: No comment.

 

A conviction for assault might make him a better man.

 

Make no more excuses for him.

 

 

Take care.

[S2B]

As a side note - why must your Mom be called to get your son - why didn't you go pick him up when you realized he was picked up?

[Satu]

snip

Everyone is telling me to dump him and take our son far away. But *I just feel like if this is a one-time thing and he is willing, like he is right now to make changes. Then I don't see how I could throw away our relationship over this one thing. Counseling and some time apart will be needed but I do believe he is a good guy at heart who made a very very inexcusable mistake.

 

I do work and I do drive. So I could survive on my own if we divorce.

 

If you want to give him another chance, thats your right.

 

One thing I would like to stress very strongly is that insulting and demeaning speech is a form of violence.

 

You should ban emotionally violent and demeaning speech from your home.

 

Most physical violence is an escalation from violent and demeaning speech.

 

Ban it.

 

 

Take care.

[lovemebreakme]

As a side note - why must your Mom be called to get your son - why didn't you go pick him up when you realized he was picked up?

 

I work in an elderly living home. My co worker was on lunch break and I couldn't just leave them alone.

[S2B]

I work in an elderly living home. My co worker was on lunch break and I couldn't just leave them alone.

 

I would make sure I could adjust my schedule so that I could pick him up.

 

I would be independent of others to be sure my baby is top priority. No need to get mad at others when it's something you can do on your own.

 

Can you schedule your lunch break so that you can pick up your child?

[lovemebreakme]

I would make sure I could adjust my schedule so that I could pick him up.

 

I would be independent of others to be sure my baby is top priority. No need to get mad at others when it's something you can do on your own.

 

Can you schedule your lunch break so that you can pick up your child?

 

I cane my work schedule but didn't pay extra to have pick up later until further notice. Before it was I dropped him off and my husband picked him up. With the odd time my mom picking him up. But with what happened that is no longer possible.

[dichotomy]

Your brothers also committed assault - premeditated ones. He could have filed charges against them as well. Great - your husband and brothers all arrested and in jail.

 

What your husband did was bad, and abuse, and a crime. However - while no excuse the death of his dad, and failure to be promoted - all continued to feeling of depression, loss, grief, self esteem and more. He needs help.

 

He needs to enter therapy, and a close eye/boundaries, but also some support or it wont get better.

[lovemebreakme]

Your brothers also committed assault - premeditated ones. He could have filed charges against them as well. Great - your husband and brothers all arrested and in jail.

 

What your husband did was bad, and abuse, and a crime. However - while no excuse the death of his dad, and failure to be promoted - all continued to feeling of depression, loss, grief, self esteem and more. He needs help.

 

He needs to enter therapy, and a close eye/boundaries, but also some support or it wont get better.

 

My husband was only charged with a class a misdemeanor. My brothers would probably be charged with something worse. I didn't realize at first but they did chip his front teeth. And he has a bruised swollen eye, bruising on the top of the bridge of the nose and a split lip. His mother was urging for him to press charges but he refused.

Edited November 20, 2016 by lovemebreakme

[Noirek]

A close friend of mine was only hit once by her husband. Her story is very similar to your in that she did not respect his words "leave me alone" and they shouted in each others face. He had been laid off though. Lots of stress. but he crossed a line. No one called the cops in her case but she did kick them out. They seperated and he went to a shrink and they did MC. She had a lot of people wanting her to just divorce him. No kids but she loved him and felt that humans are physical creatures. And she knows that people wouldn't have made as big of a deal about it if she had hit him. They were seperated about 6 months I believe and then he moved back in. She planned to be roommates for a while and let him earn her trust back but that lasted like a day.

 

As far as I know all has been good. He had taken an anger management course and she actually did as well for her yelling and stuff. She says they still fight but they don't rage. And they respect each others cool downs. Not out of fear but because sometimes people need space. But she has said that swearing at her and being aggressive again and they are done for good.

 

I do not in any way support your brothers and I'm glad you don't either. He was no risk to you and was in the hands of the law. They were acting more primitave than him. And no showing you any respect either. I understand your mom calling the cops but I would have been upset that she was so underhanded and didn't even tell you.

[lovemebreakme]

A close friend of mine was only hit once by her husband. Her story is very similar to your in that she did not respect his words "leave me alone" and they shouted in each others face. He had been laid off though. Lots of stress. but he crossed a line. No one called the cops in her case but she did kick them out. They seperated and he went to a shrink and they did MC. She had a lot of people wanting her to just divorce him. No kids but she loved him and felt that humans are physical creatures. And she knows that people wouldn't have made as big of a deal about it if she had hit him. They were seperated about 6 months I believe and then he moved back in. She planned to be roommates for a while and let him earn her trust back but that lasted like a day.

 

As far as I know all has been good. He had taken an anger management course and she actually did as well for her yelling and stuff. She says they still fight but they don't rage. And they respect each others cool downs. Not out of fear but because sometimes people need space. But she has said that swearing at her and being aggressive again and they are done for good.

 

I do not in any way support your brothers and I'm glad you don't either. He was no risk to you and was in the hands of the law. They were acting more primitave than him. And no showing you any respect either. I understand your mom calling the cops but I would have been upset that she was so underhanded and didn't even tell you.

 

I was mad at my mom about not telling me. The cops pulling him over, questioning him and handcuffing him. It wasn't a pleasant experience for him. To have the cops showing up to my house was not a good feeling. I felt so badly. I'm not afraid of him or anything. There was never a no contact order issued but that's probably because I told the cops that I wasn't afraid of him and told them the was not like him.

[Noirek]

I was mad at my mom about not telling me. The cops pulling him over, questioning him and handcuffing him. It wasn't a pleasant experience for him. To have the cops showing up to my house was not a good feeling. I felt so badly. I'm not afraid of him or anything. There was never a no contact order issued but that's probably because I told the cops that I wasn't afraid of him and told them the was not like him.

 

Yeah i feel you should really set some boundaries with your family that their treatment is also bullying. You deserve a say in your life and respect. Communication. You are not a child.

 

I am glad you are not afraid. Don't let other people tell you how to feel. But take your time, think things through and do things at the speed you want. I know that is what my friend did. She followed her head and gut on things. I don'5 think there really is a formula on this. If because of your child you want to keep your husband in the house and you feel safe do so. If you don't talk to him about it. Even see about some other adult staying with you (like a close friend or family memeber who supports whatever you decide).

[darkmoon]

Yeah i feel you should really set some boundaries with your family that their treatment is also bullying. You deserve a say in your life and respect. Communication. You are not a child.

 

I am glad you are not afraid. Don't let other people tell you how to feel. But take your time, think things through and do things at the speed you want. I know that is what my friend did. She followed her head and gut on things. I don'5 think there really is a formula on this. If because of your child you want to keep your husband in the house and you feel safe do so. If you don't talk to him about it. Even see about some other adult staying with you (like a close friend or family memeber who supports whatever you decide).

 

this is too hostile, keeping hin in the dog-house indefinitely

[howtoproceed]

I think your brothers and your mom are the best! I'm sure your husband realizes now that your family has your back and there will be consequences if he ever puts his hands on you again. However, that doesn't mean he won't do it again.

 

If this is the first time he hit you, and since your awesome brothers taught him a lesson and your mom had his a$$ arrested, you can give him one more chance if you want.