twosadthings Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 The longer you passively react to your circumstances the more "things" will happen to your family. You know your husband better than your mother or your brothers or for that matter anyone on this site that has tried to bury him. Do you love him, care about him, know that he loves and cares about you and his family. Do you want a future with him? If the answers to all of the questions above are yes then why are you separating you and your children from him? A separation between two people that want to love and be with each other can't be a good thing. Married life is tough enough without a physical distance between a husband and wife. I can almost guarantee that if you live long enough that your life together will experience more and deeper trials that you described in your first post. Cling to each other and those future tests will still be hard but sustainable. Good luck, Twosadthings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
benpom Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 The longer you passively react to your circumstances the more "things" will happen to your family. Twosadthings Twosadthings, I agree with many things you pointed out here. OP, are you guys doing a separation because you think it's a good idea or because other people are telling you to do so? Everyone is only speaking from their past experience, including me. But it's your life. You got to do what is right for YOU. From my point of view, separation is not doing any good to you guys right now. People often make two big mistakes in life: 1. being persistent with a bad choice, 2. not letting go of a bad choice. I am afraid right now you guys are sticking with a bad choice, i.e., separation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 27, 2016 Author Share Posted November 27, 2016 Twosadthings, I agree with many things you pointed out here. OP, are you guys doing a separation because you think it's a good idea or because other people are telling you to do so? Everyone is only speaking from their past experience, including me. But it's your life. You got to do what is right for YOU. From my point of view, separation is not doing any good to you guys right now. People often make two big mistakes in life: 1. being persistent with a bad choice, 2. not letting go of a bad choice. I am afraid right now you guys are sticking with a bad choice, i.e., separation. It's a little bit of both. My mom made it clear from day one she wants me to divorce my husband but she is not the main reason or really a reason why we are separated. I'm feeling really overwhelmed with emotions. My husband and I had a few deep discussions since the assault and we have discovered a lot of things. Our relationship while up until this point hasn't been bad, we recognize there is some serious issues. We are both sexually and emotionally attached to one another. It was apparent even after the emotional abuse on my part that night and the physical abuse on his part. I'm scared that I'm slowly trying rug sweep the issues instead of dealing with them. My husband really wants to work on our marriage and on his own personal issues. Because where we are at now is not healthy. WE are spending a lot of time together but I do believe the time alone in the evenings gives us both time to reflect. I'm hoping sooner than later we can be together full time again, stronger, happier than we are now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 27, 2016 Author Share Posted November 27, 2016 Do you love him, care about him, know that he loves and cares about you and his family. Do you want a future with him? I love him and care about him more than anyone will ever now. He loves me and is so afraid to losing his family. I want a future with him, but in order to have that, things need to chamge. I can almost guarantee that if you live long enough that your life together will experience more and deeper trials that you described in your first post. Cling to each other and those future tests will still be hard but sustainable. There will be deeper trials but the issues we are having now are quite serious and need to be addressed. Don't want to continue living in a relationship with unhealthy communication and anger issues floating around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 My husband and I are watching television, and cuddling on the couch and h has fallen asleep. He told me if he fell asleep as he was tired when he came over here, to wake him up so he can head back to his parents house. I know we are supposed to be separated but I really don't want to wake him up. I'm going to post this, which will probably result in some choice words by all the supportive people on here but I just don't want him to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 WE are both are scheduled for 8 - 1 hour anger management appointments one on one with a trained psychologist. After this we will reevaluate what we need to do from there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
benpom Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 My husband and I are watching television, and cuddling on the couch and h has fallen asleep. He told me if he fell asleep as he was tired when he came over here, to wake him up so he can head back to his parents house. I know we are supposed to be separated but I really don't want to wake him up. I'm going to post this, which will probably result in some choice words by all the supportive people on here but I just don't want him to go. Life is short. Enjoy the good moments while you can. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 29, 2016 Author Share Posted November 29, 2016 Life is short. Enjoy the good moments while you can. He ended up staying and it was great. He woke up at around 2am, and I was practically laying on top of him. He tried to get up but woke me up. He asked me why I didn't wake him up and I said bluntly that I didn't want him to go. But asked him if he wanted to go as he was getting ready to go. He is taking this separation and doing all the hard work seriously. He said no. I just basically said we are/were having a great night. Since he would have to come back here tomorrow morning anyway, it doesn't make sense for him to go home right now. That the separation was for us to have time alone to reflect. But if he wanted too maybe we can just bend things a little. He agreed and we went to our bed. No sex or anything but I honestly had felt the most happiness since this whole mess occurred. He has his second appointment with the counsellor today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 I, and many others, often point out in cases of Adlutery that issues are issues, adultery is adultery they are two seperate issue. Issues, which may in fact have nothing to do with the BS such as in cases of FOO or CSA, need to be resolved for reconcilation to work long term. But the issues caused by adultery itself most be resolved first. In brief the BS must feel safe by the WS to gain the strength to move forward. In your case it is clear your husband must re-establish your trust in him the same way a WS must instill confidence in the BS. You hinted at some of the issues in your marriage caused by you that lead up to him slapping you. I sense your mother's influence on you as a child. The sense of lack of respect for other's boundaries. Are you expecting your husband to just learn to expect this behavior from you, smile and move on? Is that the nature of your parents relationship? Or are you using this time to become more aware of how your actions effect others? Can you change? To compromise to some degree? As to your mother and brothers, shame on them. They need to be held responsible. If your husband goes to jail, they should too. Are you brothers really proud they kicked a puppy around? I suggest you tell them you have respect only for your father, and will listen to him, they can go to hell on this matter at this time. I hated writing about your brothers in this manner as I understand the why. I really do and could not swear in good faith I would not do the same. But as the saying go "if you can't do the time, don't do the crime". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 29, 2016 Author Share Posted November 29, 2016 You hinted at some of the issues in your marriage caused by you that lead up to him slapping you. I sense your mother's influence on you as a child. The sense of lack of respect for other's boundaries. Are you expecting your husband to just learn to expect this behavior from you, smile and move on? The lack of other's boundaries is something I am working on. My husband never really had a problem with respecting my need to be alone. I don't expect my husband to just expect this from me. He has seen first hand that I don't respect his boundaries and that is something I'm going to need to prove to him that I can do. I'm seeing my own therapist now to work on those issues. As for my mom, I learn to accept that that is the way she is, Is that the nature of your parents relationship? Or are you using this time to become more aware of how your actions effect others? Can you change? To compromise to some degree? My parents have a pretty stable relationship considering they are opposites. I'm using this time to realy reflect on the issues in our marriage. What I have done to contribute to them and what I can do to better myself. I'm more than willing to compromise, change and do my part in making our marriage better. Their is love, and an desire to make this work on both our parts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
benpom Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 The lack of other's boundaries is something I am working on. My husband never really had a problem with respecting my need to be alone. I don't expect my husband to just expect this from me. He has seen first hand that I don't respect his boundaries and that is something I'm going to need to prove to him that I can do. I'm seeing my own therapist now to work on those issues. As for my mom, I learn to accept that that is the way she is, My parents have a pretty stable relationship considering they are opposites. I'm using this time to realy reflect on the issues in our marriage. What I have done to contribute to them and what I can do to better myself. I'm more than willing to compromise, change and do my part in making our marriage better. Their is love, and an desire to make this work on both our parts. You will experience tough times and other trials in life in future, like everyone else. During those moments, just remember dark times will pass. Try to look at the big picture and think from others' perspective. It will make you happier and make life better. You are doing great so far. I hope you life gets better everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 I think you are both going down a good path. Often the all the BS can hear when attempting to heal the underlying issues is justification for the adulter (physical abuse in your case). It is unusal for me to say this but I don't see a coward hiding in your husband useing physical abuse in an attempt to control there environment. He seems more like the family dog who is treated merciless who eventually snaps and snaps at their tormental and needs to be found a new home. Be well, never accept physical or emotional abuse, know there are thousands of persons out here who want to help you there are always options. Tread lightly with awareness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 We hit our first "real" aftermath day I guess. He had another appointment with his therapist. He said this one was a lot harder than the first. He told me he didn't want to talk about it right now but would come to me when he was ready. He came over briefly to say good night to me and our son. We watched a little tv and then he left. The old me would have probably pressured him to say something. But I didn't. I know he will talk to me when he is ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Did you ever explore the topic of love languages? There are five and based on your answer they suggest a comunication style. For example for a lot of guys it is touch. So when speaking with him a gentle hand on the shoulder, cuddling, initiated by the woman, when watching TV are a huge help. Woman I have not notice a pattern that exist. Acts of service and thoughtfulness seem important to many. Might be worth a read. There is a book but a web site that has an excellent synopsis for each languages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 Did you ever explore the topic of love languages? There are five and based on your answer they suggest a comunication style. For example for a lot of guys it is touch. So when speaking with him a gentle hand on the shoulder, cuddling, initiated by the woman, when watching TV are a huge help. Woman I have not notice a pattern that exist. Acts of service and thoughtfulness seem important to many. Might be worth a read. There is a book but a web site that has an excellent synopsis for each language. I woke up earlier this morning and really looked into this very topic. I took a few quizzes and I seem to have gotten similar answers to what I considered my love language and you were pretty right on. I have a communication or other words Words of Affirmation. I like quality, alone time with my husband talking through issues and really complimenting one another. I recognize I'm at an extreme with my words both ways which are something I do need to work on. My husband is definitely the Physical Touch type guy. He likes cuddling, a hug when he gets off work. Usually, when he is really mad, he wants to be alone but when he does comes to me, he really just wants a hug. He likes physical touch. Like me when he is in the mood, he likes alone time, talking and just enjoying one another attention. When I get home, if he is still here and in the mood, maybe bring this up. I think it could definitely spring an interesting conversation. And also hopefully we can learn healthier ways to communicate our needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 When things begin to look up, something else happens. My husband can't seem to get a break. My brother, the one who didn't apologize and was cracking jokes confronted my husband again with a friend of his. They didn't hurt him but sure had him shaken up and threatening to beat him up. Like I told my brother I would, I made a report down at the police station. No charges were laid because my husband refused to cooperate. But now he is mad at me, my mom told me that he was just looking out for me. But I told them if they didn't leave him alone going forward I would defend my husband and I did. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 That is awful. Your brother is a real piece of work and deserves consequences. Even though your H didn't press charges, it's important to get a police report in writing so good for you for going down there. Where did they confront him? Would your other brother be able to help? Tell him this is completely counter-productive for your recovery. Perhaps your H would consider trying for a peace bond or restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 3, 2016 Author Share Posted December 3, 2016 My husband won't get a peace bond. I'm surprised he even told me about the second encounter with my brother. My family doesn't want to get involved and I'm not pushing it because my mom finally backed off and my younger brother apologized meekly to my husband. I told my husband that he doesnt' deserve to be intimidated or hurt by anyone else and if it continues I'll keep reporting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 3, 2016 Author Share Posted December 3, 2016 My husband won't get a peace bond. I'm surprised he even told me about the second encounter with my brother. My family doesn't want to get involved and I'm not pushing it because my mom finally backed off and my younger brother apologized meekly to my husband. I told my husband that he doesn't' deserve to be intimidated or hurt by anyone else and if it continues I'll keep reporting it. I asked him how he felt about that and he said if it made me feel better than to do it. But he really didn't want my family to hate him more than they do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 7, 2016 Author Share Posted December 7, 2016 It has been three weeks since it happened. Things are going well between us. We are actually talking more about our issues. He has had his third counselling appointment and we both just completed our first anger management session. We are both committed to having this work. Yesterday my husband saw his therapist. He told me that he liked the therapist but felt like might not be the right one for him. He says the therapist asks him a lot of open-ended questions that really gets him to think. He says that he likes how the counselor doesn't tell him how to feel or how he should react but gives him the tools I guess in a way to think objectively. But yesterday session he mentioned that the therapist doesn't think a marriage counselor would be in our best interest. He did mention the problems in our marriage that resulted in his arrest. He didn't go into detail of what happened. The therapist, according to him, said that counseling between couples where anger and potential abuse occurs can create a more hostile environment. My husband said he didn't understand it but that his therapist suggested he think about it and discuss it with me before making an informed decision. My own counselor opinion on marriage counseling is that it is a good when both partners want it and think they can benefit from it. Otherwise its a waste of time. Does anyone have any insight into his? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Not sure what to say about the marriage counselling. I would think that it may be helpful, after you have both had your individual counselling. With time and some new skills, marriage counselling may be more appropriate. Best wishes to you, this is a hard road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Both counselors have a point. There are going to be a lot of issues brought up in marriage counseling that can make each party feel hurt, slighted, confused, etc. then they send you on your way home still feeling these feelings and when there are anger issues that are already present, they can be excaberated. . The thought is to get s food handle on the personal anger issues and how to deal with anger individually in a positive way before marriage counseling But your counselor is right too. If both people want it and are willing to put in 100%. That's great and it should be done. Maybe wait until anger management is complete? Work on yourselves first then he marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 11, 2016 Author Share Posted December 11, 2016 I couldn't take it anymore and my husband moved back in for good. I just felt so alone and like the original idea around the separation wasn't working. Therapy and anger management is still ongoing but I think we will better off in the same house. He isn't a violent guy and we are communicating fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Best of luck. Stay in there for the long haul, don't relax for a moment just because things are going well. Keep at it! I love to see a marriage stay intact. Good for you both! (And you kids!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 Good to hear. But set your by diaries, and he needs to set his. Either one of you breaks them, that person leaves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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