Cephalopod Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 Set your boundaries....not diaries. Sheezus. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 I couldn't take it anymore and my husband moved back in for good. I just felt so alone and like the original idea around the separation wasn't working. Therapy and anger management is still ongoing but I think we will better off in the same house. He isn't a violent guy and we are communicating fine. Keep going with therapy until you feel that you've reached a real point of completion. You'll know when you have. One thing is clear: You're both doing your best and making progress. All the best, Satu Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 16, 2016 Author Share Posted December 16, 2016 Thank everyone. So far things are still going great for the most part for us. My mother hasn't come by or called since we had our talk. My brother texted me the other day when he was drinking and told me to not go crying to him when my husband beats me. It really makes me feel like **** but I'm trying to not let it bother me. Anger Management is going well. So far I have found better ways to control my emotions and I haven't really gotten angry. I can calm down before starting an argument. My husband is still feeling down in the dumps, and is still feeling guilt over what had happened. I hope in time his guilt will go away and we can move on. All I can say is we are both making positive changes for the better. After Christmas he is returning back to work which I think will be good for him. He's going a little crazy working from home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 snip Anger Management is going well. So far I have found better ways to control my emotions and I haven't really gotten angry. Just a small point: Anger management isn't necessarily about not getting angry; its about what you do if you get angry. Top tip: Be respectful even when you're angry. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 17, 2016 Author Share Posted December 17, 2016 I'm aware there is multiple parts to anger management. But the biggest thing I am really getting is healthy ways to handle it and at times, preventing it before it gets out of hand. We have had an argument or two since then. And really respecting his space has done wonders. I recognize it and respecting it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 I'm aware there is multiple parts to anger management. But the biggest thing I am really getting is healthy ways to handle it and at times, preventing it before it gets out of hand. We have had an argument or two since then. And really respecting his space has done wonders. I recognize it and respecting it. Well done. Thats real progress. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 20, 2016 Author Share Posted December 20, 2016 This is more of a rant but I just want to get a bunch of **** off my chest. And what better place then in front of strangers on a public forum. My Christmas feels so divided. I will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my husband and son. But after that, the plans we had are messed up. We were supposed to go to his mother's house on Christmas Eve Morning/Afternoon to open presents and have a meal, and on Christmas Afternoon go to my mom's house. Now his mother canceled her meal, saying she is going to her other son (husband's brother) for Christmas. And I know going to my mom's house is out. I just feel so sad. My husband is telling me to go without him but I told him I'll buy a ham, and make supper for the three of us at our house. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 Family politics happen. It's just life. Do your best and roll with it. Pull out the stops and come up with ideas to make this a memorable Christmas for the three of you. I recommend volunteering with a charity for their Christmas drives and programs. No better way to get your mind off your own problems than to serve others who are less fortunate than you and your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 Eventually your parents will have to accept your decision. But what you can tell them is, IF there is another hitting incident, he's out and you'll file for divorce immediately. But until then they have to get over it and watch to see his changes and learn how to trust again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 29, 2016 Author Share Posted December 29, 2016 AN update is in order. I had an okay Christmas. I made a small, Christmas dinner, ham, potatoes, gravy, and a small salad. We opened up presents. I had bought my husband a new pair of gloves and some cologne. He bought me some earings and a rock. I mean it, a decorative rock which had hope written across it. I looked at him funny and he said that he saw it at the store and thought of me. He says he has hope our marriage will be even stronger. Which leads me into my next part of my update. He has trial booked for March 2 2017. Today, the prosecutor offered my husband a plea bargain. Plead guilty to a Class C Misdemeanor, no jail time, no probation, but court ordered anger management. He was going to accept it to just get it out of the way, but his lawyer didn't think it would even make it to trial, that they didn't have enough evidence. I convinced him to not take it. Both the lawyer I seen when I filled out an affidavit of Non-Prosecution and his lawyer both conclude they don't believe the prosecution has enough evidence against my husband. SO he refused it. He has been feeling guilty about it but I told him that this is the best for all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 So is he taking the plea or not? You weren't really clear. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 So is he taking the plea or not? You weren't really clear. He refused the plea, in the hope that the court will drop the charges or find him not guilty. Is your mother sticking to her version of events? She may be the fly in the ointment here. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 If he is found guilty of a violent offense he may lose many privileges, one of them being the ability to own firearms. If he is a hunter this could cause him a lot of grief. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 If he is found guilty of a violent offense he may lose many privileges, one of them being the ability to own firearms. If he is a hunter this could cause him a lot of grief. The least punishment. People can survive without owning a gun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 29, 2016 Author Share Posted December 29, 2016 He refused the plea, in the hope that the court will drop the charges or find him not guilty. Is your mother sticking to her version of events? She may be the fly in the ointment here. As far as I know my mother's sticking to her story. I haven't heard anything differently. But as two different lawyers have said. I hired my own just for my protection so I don't get screwed over trying to help my husband and his own lawyer just doesn't believe her testimony will be enough since all her information was based on a phone call, where I was upset and she wasn't there. And that my version of the events don't match up. His lawyer also said that he is confident that the prosecutor was just fishing for a confession and will likely drop the charges before trial anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 29, 2016 Author Share Posted December 29, 2016 If he is found guilty of a violent offense he may lose many privileges, one of them being the ability to own firearms. If he is a hunter this could cause him a lot of grief. Two different lawyers both say chances are the charges will be dropped before the trial even begins. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 I wonder about your one brother. His actions and latter self-justifications and comments seem off. Beating a person is beating a person. He didn't even have the guts to do it one on one. Are you comfortable your brother will not do it again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted December 29, 2016 Author Share Posted December 29, 2016 I wonder about your one brother. His actions and latter self-justifications and comments seem off. Beating a person is beating a person. He didn't even have the guts to do it one on one. Are you comfortable your brother will not do it again? He all ready threatened it once again and I had made a report myself to the police. My husband didn't cooperate but my brother knows I'll do it again and I will cooperate one hundred percent if they touch my husband again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 A little update: Next week is my final anger management session. My husband has started to see a counselor who specializes in grief. He has been depressed lately. He eats, goes to work, spends time with the family, time with me and sleeps. He hasn't engaged in hobbies he had before his father passing, and it has only gotten worse after his arrest. Our relationship has been a lot better. I didn't even realize how poorly we communicated before, but now we are learning better coping skills and personal boundaries. I am fully confident our relationship will be better in the end. So far the prosecution hasn't made another offer. So it is just a waiting game at this point. The lawyer is still confident that they will drop the charges just before trial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Hi, A lot of posters are very troubled by your decision. They are fearful this is merely the first step in a drama cycle leading to ever increasing violence. Some wonder if your situation is the exception. Will you continue to post going forward, especially if physically lashes out again? Every thread adds to the depth of knowledge so your input is greatly valued. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 AN update is in order. I had an okay Christmas. I made a small, Christmas dinner, ham, potatoes, gravy, and a small salad. We opened up presents. I had bought my husband a new pair of gloves and some cologne. He bought me some earings and a rock. I mean it, a decorative rock which had hope written across it. I looked at him funny and he said that he saw it at the store and thought of me. He says he has hope our marriage will be even stronger. Which leads me into my next part of my update. He has trial booked for March 2 2017. Today, the prosecutor offered my husband a plea bargain. Plead guilty to a Class C Misdemeanor, no jail time, no probation, but court ordered anger management. He was going to accept it to just get it out of the way, but his lawyer didn't think it would even make it to trial, that they didn't have enough evidence. I convinced him to not take it. Both the lawyer I seen when I filled out an affidavit of Non-Prosecution and his lawyer both conclude they don't believe the prosecution has enough evidence against my husband. SO he refused it. He has been feeling guilty about it but I told him that this is the best for all of us. It's difficult to see you helping him have no/little consequences for harming you. He will do it again - especially since you're defending his bad behavior so heavily and trying to get his consequences reduced. You're digging your grave - I guarantee it. Be wise my dear, be wise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I'll continue to post updates. My husband has faced a lot of consequences, most of them are internal. I had put a lot of thought into how I wanted to handle it. He has been attending weekly counseling; now he has started a grief counselor and anger management. Even my mother who called the police on him recently mentioned that she is surprised he is acknowledging and doing something about not making this a repeat thing. Even my brothers beat him up. I mean I'll never know for sure this won't happen again, but I strongly believe this was a one-time thing. He knows if this happens again, it doesn't even just have to be hitting me; it can be as much as raising a fist to me. I'm done. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Hi, A lot of posters are very troubled by your decision. They are fearful this is merely the first step in a drama cycle leading to ever increasing violence. Some wonder if your situation is the exception. Will you continue to post going forward, especially if physically lashes out again? Every thread adds to the depth of knowledge so your input is greatly valued. Thanks My dad was abusive towards my mom, so I grew up recognizing the traits of an abuser. Her husband is not an abuser. He is guy who has anger issues, messed up badly, and now needs to work on healthy coping behaviors. The fact that he is in mourning over wha he did is a sign that this behavior is not ingrained in him. My dad was a bully and he used pain, threats, and violence to control his wife and children. Abusers are control freaks and many have personality disorders. I don't see that with this guy. I just don't see him doing this again. If my dad had gotten jumped by one of my mom's brothers, he would have set up a time and place to ambush him and hurt him badly as revenge. I don't see that with this guy. I'm just not seeing it. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I'll continue to post updates. My husband has faced a lot of consequences, most of them are internal. I had put a lot of thought into how I wanted to handle it. He has been attending weekly counseling; now he has started a grief counselor and anger management. Even my mother who called the police on him recently mentioned that she is surprised he is acknowledging and doing something about not making this a repeat thing. Even my brothers beat him up. I mean I'll never know for sure this won't happen again, but I strongly believe this was a one-time thing. He knows if this happens again, it doesn't even just have to be hitting me; it can be as much as raising a fist to me. I'm done. Believeing it was a one time thing could cost you your life. Ten or twenty years could go by - and then anger arises... once any person is capable of such a hideous violation...that internal outlet doesn't just disappear. Be cautious about your certainty - know where YOUR boundary is with conviction. What are YOU learning about YOUR boundary - yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Seems you have gone into mother hen mode, a mother hen defending her chick, only he isn't your chick he is your husband, the husband who actually hit you. I hope for your sake he is deserving of your loyalty. MYTHDomestic abuse is a one-off incident . FACT Very rarely is abuse a one-off. Most often it is part of an ongoing means of establishing and maintaining control over another person. Abuse tends to increase both in velocity and extent over a period of time. (see The Cycle of Abuse) Link to post Share on other sites
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