My husband hit me and is remorseful

[lovemebreakme]

I'm aware there is multiple parts to anger management. But the biggest thing I am really getting is healthy ways to handle it and at times, preventing it before it gets out of hand. We have had an argument or two since then. And really respecting his space has done wonders. I recognize it and respecting it.

[Satu]

I'm aware there is multiple parts to anger management. But the biggest thing I am really getting is healthy ways to handle it and at times, preventing it before it gets out of hand. We have had an argument or two since then. And really respecting his space has done wonders. I recognize it and respecting it.

 

Well done.

 

Thats real progress.

 

 

Take care.

[lovemebreakme]

This is more of a rant but I just want to get a bunch of **** off my chest. And what better place then in front of strangers on a public forum.

 

 

My Christmas feels so divided. I will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my husband and son. But after that, the plans we had are messed up. We were supposed to go to his mother's house on Christmas Eve Morning/Afternoon to open presents and have a meal, and on Christmas Afternoon go to my mom's house. Now his mother canceled her meal, saying she is going to her other son (husband's brother) for Christmas. And I know going to my mom's house is out. I just feel so sad. My husband is telling me to go without him but I told him I'll buy a ham, and make supper for the three of us at our house.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Cephalopod]

Family politics happen. It's just life. Do your best and roll with it. Pull out the stops and come up with ideas to make this a memorable Christmas for the three of you.

 

I recommend volunteering with a charity for their Christmas drives and programs. No better way to get your mind off your own problems than to serve others who are less fortunate than you and your husband.

[whichwayisup]

Eventually your parents will have to accept your decision. But what you can tell them is, IF there is another hitting incident, he's out and you'll file for divorce immediately. But until then they have to get over it and watch to see his changes and learn how to trust again.

[lovemebreakme]

AN update is in order.

 

I had an okay Christmas. I made a small, Christmas dinner, ham, potatoes, gravy, and a small salad. We opened up presents. I had bought my husband a new pair of gloves and some cologne. He bought me some earings and a rock. I mean it, a decorative rock which had hope written across it. I looked at him funny and he said that he saw it at the store and thought of me. He says he has hope our marriage will be even stronger. Which leads me into my next part of my update.

 

He has trial booked for March 2 2017. Today, the prosecutor offered my husband a plea bargain. Plead guilty to a Class C Misdemeanor, no jail time, no probation, but court ordered anger management. He was going to accept it to just get it out of the way, but his lawyer didn't think it would even make it to trial, that they didn't have enough evidence. I convinced him to not take it. Both the lawyer I seen when I filled out an affidavit of Non-Prosecution and his lawyer both conclude they don't believe the prosecution has enough evidence against my husband. SO he refused it. He has been feeling guilty about it but I told him that this is the best for all of us.

[Cephalopod]

So is he taking the plea or not? You weren't really clear.

[elaine567]

So is he taking the plea or not? You weren't really clear.

 

He refused the plea, in the hope that the court will drop the charges or find him not guilty.

Is your mother sticking to her version of events?

She may be the fly in the ointment here.

[Cephalopod]

If he is found guilty of a violent offense he may lose many privileges, one of them being the ability to own firearms. If he is a hunter this could cause him a lot of grief.

[whichwayisup]

If he is found guilty of a violent offense he may lose many privileges, one of them being the ability to own firearms. If he is a hunter this could cause him a lot of grief.

 

The least punishment. People can survive without owning a gun.

[lovemebreakme]

He refused the plea, in the hope that the court will drop the charges or find him not guilty.

Is your mother sticking to her version of events?

She may be the fly in the ointment here.

 

 

As far as I know my mother's sticking to her story. I haven't heard anything differently. But as two different lawyers have said. I hired my own just for my protection so I don't get screwed over trying to help my husband and his own lawyer just doesn't believe her testimony will be enough since all her information was based on a phone call, where I was upset and she wasn't there. And that my version of the events don't match up. His lawyer also said that he is confident that the prosecutor was just fishing for a confession and will likely drop the charges before trial anyway.

[lovemebreakme]

If he is found guilty of a violent offense he may lose many privileges, one of them being the ability to own firearms. If he is a hunter this could cause him a lot of grief.

 

Two different lawyers both say chances are the charges will be dropped before the trial even begins.

[Jersey born raised]

I wonder about your one brother. His actions and latter self-justifications and comments seem off. Beating a person is beating a person. He didn't even have the guts to do it one on one. Are you comfortable your brother will not do it again?

[lovemebreakme]

I wonder about your one brother. His actions and latter self-justifications and comments seem off. Beating a person is beating a person. He didn't even have the guts to do it one on one. Are you comfortable your brother will not do it again?

 

He all ready threatened it once again and I had made a report myself to the police. My husband didn't cooperate but my brother knows I'll do it again and I will cooperate one hundred percent if they touch my husband again.

[lovemebreakme]

A little update:

 

Next week is my final anger management session. My husband has started to see a counselor who specializes in grief. He has been depressed lately. He eats, goes to work, spends time with the family, time with me and sleeps. He hasn't engaged in hobbies he had before his father passing, and it has only gotten worse after his arrest.

 

Our relationship has been a lot better. I didn't even realize how poorly we communicated before, but now we are learning better coping skills and personal boundaries. I am fully confident our relationship will be better in the end.

 

So far the prosecution hasn't made another offer. So it is just a waiting game at this point. The lawyer is still confident that they will drop the charges just before trial.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

A lot of posters are very troubled by your decision. They are fearful this is merely the first step in a drama cycle leading to ever increasing violence. Some wonder if your situation is the exception. Will you continue to post going forward, especially if physically lashes out again? Every thread adds to the depth of knowledge so your input is greatly valued.

 

Thanks

[lovemebreakme]

I'll continue to post updates. My husband has faced a lot of consequences, most of them are internal. I had put a lot of thought into how I wanted to handle it. He has been attending weekly counseling; now he has started a grief counselor and anger management. Even my mother who called the police on him recently mentioned that she is surprised he is acknowledging and doing something about not making this a repeat thing. Even my brothers beat him up. I mean I'll never know for sure this won't happen again, but I strongly believe this was a one-time thing. He knows if this happens again, it doesn't even just have to be hitting me; it can be as much as raising a fist to me. I'm done.

[Cephalopod]

Hi,

 

A lot of posters are very troubled by your decision. They are fearful this is merely the first step in a drama cycle leading to ever increasing violence. Some wonder if your situation is the exception. Will you continue to post going forward, especially if physically lashes out again? Every thread adds to the depth of knowledge so your input is greatly valued.

 

Thanks

 

My dad was abusive towards my mom, so I grew up recognizing the traits of an abuser. Her husband is not an abuser. He is guy who has anger issues, messed up badly, and now needs to work on healthy coping behaviors. The fact that he is in mourning over wha he did is a sign that this behavior is not ingrained in him.

 

My dad was a bully and he used pain, threats, and violence to control his wife and children. Abusers are control freaks and many have personality disorders. I don't see that with this guy. I just don't see him doing this again. If my dad had gotten jumped by one of my mom's brothers, he would have set up a time and place to ambush him and hurt him badly as revenge. I don't see that with this guy.

 

I'm just not seeing it.

[elaine567]

Seems you have gone into mother hen mode, a mother hen defending her chick, only he isn't your chick he is your husband, the husband who actually hit you.

 

I hope for your sake he is deserving of your loyalty.

 

MYTH

Domestic abuse is a one-off incident .

FACT

Very rarely is abuse a one-off. Most often it is part of an ongoing means of establishing and maintaining control over another person. Abuse tends to increase both in velocity and extent over a period of time. (see

The Cycle of Abuse

)

[sandylee1]

I see genuine remorse here and he can't do any more than he's already done.

 

-He's apologised

 

-Was prepared to accept a lesser charge to prevent her mother having to give evidence

 

-Accepted full responsibility

 

-Arranged counselling for his anger

 

-Refused to give evidence against her brothers for the first assault

 

-And for the threat later on

 

 

Of course it should never have happened, but he is clearly remorseful. He has faced and continues to face consequences.

 

I hope your family eventually forgive him for this.

 

It's not the same, but I spoke with a couple where the husband had cheated and he was telling me that he apologised to her parents and siblings for the pain he caused her.

 

He said he really had to humble himself. He specifically mentioned her dad saying that if he knew he was going to cause his daughter such pain, he would have never walked her down the aisle to him. They did forgive him, but it took a while.

 

I don't think your brothers deserve an apology, because they took it too far. I know my own brothers, would be after my husband if I told them he hit me, but they went overboard.

 

I have to ask, did your brothers not consider that this could have resulted in criminal charges against them?

[lovemebreakme]

Her husband is not an abuser. He is guy who has anger issues, messed up badly, and now needs to work on healthy coping behaviors. The fact that he is in mourning over wha he did is a sign that this behavior is not ingrained in him.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your father. My husband's late father was very anti-violent. My husband growing up wasn't subjected to corporal punishment, and very hands on parents. I don't believe it is ingrained in him either. He is workign on his issues.

 

What are YOU learning about YOUR boundary - yourself?

 

I have been working on my own issues. I have learned healthier ways to communicate with my husband. When I'm angry, I know to retreat to my own little space. I respect my husbands personal space and when he is upset and leaves the house, to the garage to just leave him alone. 95% of the time he'll come to me when he is feeling better and we talk about it.

 

I hope for your sake he is deserving of your loyalty.

 

He is working on himself so I'm giving him this other chance.

 

I see genuine remorse here and he can't do any more than he's already done.

 

-He's apologised

 

-Was prepared to accept a lesser charge to prevent her mother having to give evidence

 

-Accepted full responsibility

 

-Arranged counselling for his anger

 

-Refused to give evidence against her brothers for the first assault

 

-And for the threat later on

 

 

Of course it should never have happened, but he is clearly remorseful. He has faced and continues to face consequences.

 

I hope your family eventually forgive him for this.

 

It's not the same, but I spoke with a couple where the husband had cheated and he was telling me that he apologised to her parents and siblings for the pain he caused her.

 

He said he really had to humble himself. He specifically mentioned her dad saying that if he knew he was going to cause his daughter such pain, he would have never walked her down the aisle to him. They did forgive him, but it took a while.

 

I don't think your brothers deserve an apology, because they took it too far. I know my own brothers, would be after my husband if I told them he hit me, but they went overboard.

 

I have to ask, did your brothers not consider that this could have resulted in criminal charges against them?

 

My brother's didn't think before they acted. They were furious.

[lovemebreakme]

You seem to have an imbalance in the focus on your husband.

 

There shouldn't be a need to AVOID him because of how you or he FEELS!

 

You should be able to safely and securely express how you feel anytime without a worry of his action/reaction!!

 

It looks like you are DENYING YOUR FEELINGS in order to accommodate him.

 

THAT is just completely backwards!

 

I think you are going at this all wrong.

 

All of you has been engulfed in making things "ok" for him - at the expense of losing who you really are.

 

Speak up! Have a voice and speak YOUR TRUTH!

 

He will either handle your truth or he won't! Stop cowtowing to his inadequacies!

 

 

I wasn't completely clear in what I was saying. I have developed better communications skills. Back on the night, he was arrested, I was in his face, he kept telling me to leave him alone. I didn't respect that. I know when I'm upset and want to be left alone. If I have to ask more than once, it is a sign of disrespect. I didn't respect his need to be alone.

 

I haven't not told him how I feel, how what he is doing makes me feel. But now I respect his feelings and his boundaries. I'm not sure what you mean by kowtowing to his inadequacies. I have my inadequacies, and he has his. We are both learning to accept each other for who were are and also learning to cope with issues we have.

 

How do all of you handle when someone wants to be alone and you have something your want to discuss?

Edited January 18, 2017 by lovemebreakme

[lovemebreakme]

I sit down calmly and express how I feel. Then I listen to what the other person has to say.

 

That's called effective communication. Especially if I repeat back what I "heard" the other person say.

 

Never do I need to avoid someone in order to communicate.

 

Being afraid of someone and how they feel or how they may react is part of the abuse.

 

There should be no fear in loving someone when the relationship is healthy and balanced.

 

You seem to be focused on HIM too much... much more than you're focused on you and how YOU feel.

 

Have you lost yourself in the need to forgive him?

 

I guess this is something I need to bring up with a marriage counselor. Because I'm getting conflicting advice from professionals. I don't think in any way am I afraid of my husband or am I avoiding him because I'm scared of him. We talk about how we feel most of the time calmly. But sometimes we have bad days. Last week my son was sick, and I was up all night. I was in a bad mood. My husband wanted to talk about something, and I asked if we could talk about it after supper vs. when he wanted to talk about it because I was irritable and wanted to have a nap. When I had a nap and was in a better mood, we talked about it. I don't really see that as avoiding the other person. It is about respecting people's needs to be alone. When we are both frustrated and arguing, we both decide to go be on our own and away from each other to meditate and cool down. We never leave an argument or disagreement unsettled, but I don't understand what is so wrong with him going to the garage to take a couple of hours or whatever amount of time he needs to think. Or vice versa.

 

I guess I don't feel like my feelings don't matter in the relationship. My husband mentions them and focuses on how I feel and does anything he can to make me better. I care about his feelings, and willing to do whatever I can to make things better. I do think my feelings and opinons have value. After rereading some of my posts I can really see where I come across as being afraid of him, or changing who I am for him. That is really not the case. I'm not scared of him and I think we are both going in the right direction in gaining better skills to have an even better marriage than we have now.

[Fugu]

He's not an abuser. The people I've known about over the years who are truly abusers do not give one sh*t about the law or threats from family members. And in some cases, it just makes them that more enraged and psychopathic. This is a guy who had a lot of pent-up frustration, got confronted about it (not blaming the OP), and lost it in the heat of the moment. He was right to be confronted about it. Not sure how I feel about the violence but at least he knows that this is not going to be a pattern that repeats itself. But true abusers are a lot more dangerous than this guy.

 

As for the long-term health of the marriage, that's a separate matter altogether. I hope it works out, but there are some real challenges there.

[lovemebreakme]

As for the long-term health of the marriage, that's a separate matter altogether. I hope it works out, but there are some real challenges there.

 

We are currently working on those issues. We love each other, and both want this marriage to work. So as long as we both want it, an dare willingly to put 100% into it. We really have nothing to lose.