sandylee1 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I see genuine remorse here and he can't do any more than he's already done. -He's apologised -Was prepared to accept a lesser charge to prevent her mother having to give evidence -Accepted full responsibility -Arranged counselling for his anger -Refused to give evidence against her brothers for the first assault -And for the threat later on Of course it should never have happened, but he is clearly remorseful. He has faced and continues to face consequences. I hope your family eventually forgive him for this. It's not the same, but I spoke with a couple where the husband had cheated and he was telling me that he apologised to her parents and siblings for the pain he caused her. He said he really had to humble himself. He specifically mentioned her dad saying that if he knew he was going to cause his daughter such pain, he would have never walked her down the aisle to him. They did forgive him, but it took a while. I don't think your brothers deserve an apology, because they took it too far. I know my own brothers, would be after my husband if I told them he hit me, but they went overboard. I have to ask, did your brothers not consider that this could have resulted in criminal charges against them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Her husband is not an abuser. He is guy who has anger issues, messed up badly, and now needs to work on healthy coping behaviors. The fact that he is in mourning over wha he did is a sign that this behavior is not ingrained in him. I'm sorry to hear about your father. My husband's late father was very anti-violent. My husband growing up wasn't subjected to corporal punishment, and very hands on parents. I don't believe it is ingrained in him either. He is workign on his issues. What are YOU learning about YOUR boundary - yourself? I have been working on my own issues. I have learned healthier ways to communicate with my husband. When I'm angry, I know to retreat to my own little space. I respect my husbands personal space and when he is upset and leaves the house, to the garage to just leave him alone. 95% of the time he'll come to me when he is feeling better and we talk about it. I hope for your sake he is deserving of your loyalty. He is working on himself so I'm giving him this other chance. I see genuine remorse here and he can't do any more than he's already done. -He's apologised -Was prepared to accept a lesser charge to prevent her mother having to give evidence -Accepted full responsibility -Arranged counselling for his anger -Refused to give evidence against her brothers for the first assault -And for the threat later on Of course it should never have happened, but he is clearly remorseful. He has faced and continues to face consequences. I hope your family eventually forgive him for this. It's not the same, but I spoke with a couple where the husband had cheated and he was telling me that he apologised to her parents and siblings for the pain he caused her. He said he really had to humble himself. He specifically mentioned her dad saying that if he knew he was going to cause his daughter such pain, he would have never walked her down the aisle to him. They did forgive him, but it took a while. I don't think your brothers deserve an apology, because they took it too far. I know my own brothers, would be after my husband if I told them he hit me, but they went overboard. I have to ask, did your brothers not consider that this could have resulted in criminal charges against them? My brother's didn't think before they acted. They were furious. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 You seem to have an imbalance in the focus on your husband. There shouldn't be a need to AVOID him because of how you or he FEELS! You should be able to safely and securely express how you feel anytime without a worry of his action/reaction!! It looks like you are DENYING YOUR FEELINGS in order to accommodate him. THAT is just completely backwards! I think you are going at this all wrong. All of you has been engulfed in making things "ok" for him - at the expense of losing who you really are. Speak up! Have a voice and speak YOUR TRUTH! He will either handle your truth or he won't! Stop cowtowing to his inadequacies! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) You seem to have an imbalance in the focus on your husband. There shouldn't be a need to AVOID him because of how you or he FEELS! You should be able to safely and securely express how you feel anytime without a worry of his action/reaction!! It looks like you are DENYING YOUR FEELINGS in order to accommodate him. THAT is just completely backwards! I think you are going at this all wrong. All of you has been engulfed in making things "ok" for him - at the expense of losing who you really are. Speak up! Have a voice and speak YOUR TRUTH! He will either handle your truth or he won't! Stop cowtowing to his inadequacies! I wasn't completely clear in what I was saying. I have developed better communications skills. Back on the night, he was arrested, I was in his face, he kept telling me to leave him alone. I didn't respect that. I know when I'm upset and want to be left alone. If I have to ask more than once, it is a sign of disrespect. I didn't respect his need to be alone. I haven't not told him how I feel, how what he is doing makes me feel. But now I respect his feelings and his boundaries. I'm not sure what you mean by kowtowing to his inadequacies. I have my inadequacies, and he has his. We are both learning to accept each other for who were are and also learning to cope with issues we have. How do all of you handle when someone wants to be alone and you have something your want to discuss? Edited January 18, 2017 by lovemebreakme Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I sit down calmly and express how I feel. Then I listen to what the other person has to say. That's called effective communication. Especially if I repeat back what I "heard" the other person say. Never do I need to avoid someone in order to communicate. Being afraid of someone and how they feel or how they may react is part of the abuse. There should be no fear in loving someone when the relationship is healthy and balanced. You seem to be focused on HIM too much... much more than you're focused on you and how YOU feel. Have you lost yourself in the need to forgive him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I sit down calmly and express how I feel. Then I listen to what the other person has to say. That's called effective communication. Especially if I repeat back what I "heard" the other person say. Never do I need to avoid someone in order to communicate. Being afraid of someone and how they feel or how they may react is part of the abuse. There should be no fear in loving someone when the relationship is healthy and balanced. You seem to be focused on HIM too much... much more than you're focused on you and how YOU feel. Have you lost yourself in the need to forgive him? I guess this is something I need to bring up with a marriage counselor. Because I'm getting conflicting advice from professionals. I don't think in any way am I afraid of my husband or am I avoiding him because I'm scared of him. We talk about how we feel most of the time calmly. But sometimes we have bad days. Last week my son was sick, and I was up all night. I was in a bad mood. My husband wanted to talk about something, and I asked if we could talk about it after supper vs. when he wanted to talk about it because I was irritable and wanted to have a nap. When I had a nap and was in a better mood, we talked about it. I don't really see that as avoiding the other person. It is about respecting people's needs to be alone. When we are both frustrated and arguing, we both decide to go be on our own and away from each other to meditate and cool down. We never leave an argument or disagreement unsettled, but I don't understand what is so wrong with him going to the garage to take a couple of hours or whatever amount of time he needs to think. Or vice versa. I guess I don't feel like my feelings don't matter in the relationship. My husband mentions them and focuses on how I feel and does anything he can to make me better. I care about his feelings, and willing to do whatever I can to make things better. I do think my feelings and opinons have value. After rereading some of my posts I can really see where I come across as being afraid of him, or changing who I am for him. That is really not the case. I'm not scared of him and I think we are both going in the right direction in gaining better skills to have an even better marriage than we have now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 He's not an abuser. The people I've known about over the years who are truly abusers do not give one sh*t about the law or threats from family members. And in some cases, it just makes them that more enraged and psychopathic. This is a guy who had a lot of pent-up frustration, got confronted about it (not blaming the OP), and lost it in the heat of the moment. He was right to be confronted about it. Not sure how I feel about the violence but at least he knows that this is not going to be a pattern that repeats itself. But true abusers are a lot more dangerous than this guy. As for the long-term health of the marriage, that's a separate matter altogether. I hope it works out, but there are some real challenges there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 As for the long-term health of the marriage, that's a separate matter altogether. I hope it works out, but there are some real challenges there. We are currently working on those issues. We love each other, and both want this marriage to work. So as long as we both want it, an dare willingly to put 100% into it. We really have nothing to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 How do all of you handle when someone wants to be alone and you have something your want to discuss? You say, I really need to talk to you about something, let me know/come and find me when it's a better time for you. Avoid saying things like "When you're ready to listen" "when you've stopped being childish /immature etc" Trying to have a conversation with someone in a bad mood, is not a good idea. You won't be heard. They won't listen (because they're not in the right frame of mind), and matters will just escalate. I'm not for one minute condoning what he did or blaming you, but the other most likely outcome that night, would have been a slanging match or one of you walking out. I know we all get mad at times, but certain conditions need to be present, for an effective conversation. I deliver marriage prep courses and this is exactly what one of the sessions covers with engaged couples. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Hi LovemeBreakme, I think you are doing well. There is no need to wave a red rag in front of an angry bull. As Sandy says an angry person is not going to hear you. It is better to let matters calm down and then discuss whatever needs discussing in a calm and collected manner. Slanging matches do not solve problems. You are the person in the driver's seat. You know your husband and what his triggers are. If you avoid those triggers it is not as if you are tip toeing on eggshells around him. It is just plain common sense. The same would be true of your husband avoiding your triggers. What it amounts to is respect for each other and not stepping on each other's toes. Hope it all goes well for you both going forward. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Globug Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I am glad you and your DH is working through this. Me and my husband have been together for 20 years with no abuse. In the last three years my father passed away at age 60, our 18 year old niece was killed in a hit & run and his brother was murdered. Grief has torn our world apart and this past summer there was an altercation that got physical. No one was hurt & we both stopped ourselves at the brink but it wasn't us. We have never been that way & I think it shocked & scared both of us. if anything it opened the door to work on things & truly talk about how we have been feeling & dealing with things instead of trying to take turns being strong for the other. I do not think there is anything wrong with hitting the pause button when upset. Does not mean you are scared of your spouse it means you want to fix things, not make them worse in the heat of the moment Link to post Share on other sites
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