My husband hit me and is remorseful

[lovemebreakme]

I think your brothers and your mom are the best! I'm sure your husband realizes now that your family has your back and there will be consequences if he ever puts his hands on you again. However, that doesn't mean he won't do it again.

 

If this is the first time he hit you, and since your awesome brothers taught him a lesson and your mom had his a$$ arrested, you can give him one more chance if you want.

 

I just want to see what he does from here. I'm going to suggest a grief counselor.

[SeenNotHeard]

I would make sure I could adjust my schedule so that I could pick him up.

 

I would be independent of others to be sure my baby is top priority. No need to get mad at others when it's something you can do on your own.

 

Can you schedule your lunch break so that you can pick up your child?

 

I'm not sure how this pertains to the issue at hand---the minor child involved is both of their responsibility. It can be a challenge being a working mother sometimes things happen and you call upon a support system to help up in a pinch. Employers don't take kindly to sudden schedule change requests. If the OP had just picked him up this wouldn't have happened is this the issue? Maybe not that particular day but perhaps another issue would have caused a similar reaction from her spouse.

 

OP I am sorry this has happened and triggered a whole storm of issues that have now involved your extended family. You want to trust your husband to do the right thing. I hope your trust in him holds true.

[lovemebreakme]

I'm not sure how this pertains to the issue at hand---the minor child involved is both of their responsibility. It can be a challenge being a working mother sometimes things happen and you call upon a support system to help up in a pinch. Employers don't take kindly to sudden schedule change requests. If the OP had just picked him up this wouldn't have happened is this the issue? Maybe not that particular day but perhaps another issue would have caused a similar reaction from her spouse.

 

OP I am sorry this has happened and triggered a whole storm of issues that have now involved your extended family. You want to trust your husband to do the right thing. I hope your trust in him holds true.

 

I changed the daycare setting not because I don't trust my husband. But because of the turmoil this had caused. Right now we are talking and he is just so sad. He feels like **** and I feel ****. It's not a good day. And I just want to keep the peace.

[dichotomy]

While not a major blow - my wife once during an angry argument back handed me in the stomach. A smaller man might have felt some real pain - however I think she actually hurt her self more than me, and the look of shock on her face of her impulse hit - and the pain in her own hand -was enough to tell me she knew she had crossed a line. I think we both were in some minor shock. This was once in our entire marriage. I have seen her steaming shouting angry - but never act out.

 

I wonder what might have happened if I had backhanded her in the stomach? No I dont wonder... I know she would have asked me to leave the home for the night - at a minimum - and I would have had a stain on me for years.

 

You know your husband best and what his nature is, if he is deserving of this one forgiveness, and if he is hurting and needs help.

Edited November 20, 2016 by dichotomy

[lovemebreakme]

While not a major blow - my wife once during an angry argument back handed me in the stomach. A smaller man might have felt some real pain - however I think she actually hurt her self more than me, and the look of shock on her face of her impulse hit - and the pain in her own hand -was enough to tell me she knew she had crossed a line. This was once in our entire marriage. I have seen her steaming shouting angry - but never act out.

 

I wonder what might have happened if I had backhanded her in the stomach? No I dont wonder... I know she would have asked me to leave the home for the night - at a minimum - and I would have had a stain on me for years.

 

You know your husband best and what his nature is, if he is deserving of this one forgiveness, and to help him get help

 

I don't think he is a violent man. I think it was an impulse decision and if it were up to me I wouldn't have called the police on him.

[elaine567]

The problem here is that the consequences of being hit can be far reaching.

Yes he may never do it again, but next time he is in foul mood and takes himself off to the garage then her adrenaline will be flowing big time and she will not want to go out there to talk it all out with him and she will be scared as to his reactions when he does come out of there.

This is where walking on eggshells comes into play, and trying to keep the peace and not being authentic in the relationship for fear of the consequences.

Yes, he may get it all under control and it may be nipped in the bud, but she may find that she will feel like she is now living with a bomb that may or may not explode at any minute. That takes its toll on health long term.

Normal arguments will now take on a darker tone and she will tend to always give in for fear of poking the bear. The whole dynamic of the relationship will change and whilst she may not be shaking in her shoes here, the more subtle underlying apprehension that follows such boundaries being crossed may never leave her now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Two reasons you want the police involved -

 

- there's a record should it ever happen again

 

- knowing he'd be subject to even more serious consequences keeps your H on track

 

You can't wish this away, doesn't work like that...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lovemebreakme]

The problem here is that the consequences of being hit can be far reaching.

Yes he may never do it again, but next time he is in foul mood and takes himself off to the garage then her adrenaline will be flowing big time and she will not want to go out there to talk it all out with him and she will be scared as to his reactions when he does come out of there.

This is where walking on eggshells comes into play, and trying to keep the peace and not being authentic in the relationship for fear of the consequences.

Yes, he may get it all under control and it may be nipped in the bud, but she may find that she will feel like she is now living with a bomb that may or may not explode at any minute. That takes its toll on health long term.

Normal arguments will now take on a darker tone and she will tend to always give in for fear of poking the bear. The whole dynamic of the relationship will change and whilst she may not be shaking in her shoes here, the more subtle underlying apprehension that follows such boundaries being crossed may never leave her now.

 

I hope this won't be the case. I'm going to seek my own personal therapy to learn my own coping skills. I do have a flaw where I don't know where to walk away. I don't want to bake excuses for him. I just recognize that I should have let him have his space and wait until he was in a better mood. That day will be a day well both regret. I'm not scared of him and don't believe that he'd ever do it again at this point. He knows he crossed a line. I know I should feel guilt for telling my mom but I do. This one decision will follow him for ever. He will have a criminal record, my family's disappointment in him and the disappointment and shame he had in himself.

[justavillagegirl]

But when a wife slaps her husband in a fit of rage. Hmmm...

[lovemebreakme]

But when a wife slaps her husband in a fit of rage. Hmmm...

 

I don't think it shoudl make a difference. IF the roles were reversed I'd expect to deal with the exact same consequences.

[lovemebreakme]

Well, my mother in law hired my husband a lawyer back the following morning of his arrested. And the lawyer had just called me. My husband is charged with Class A misdemeanor and the lawyer is asking for my cooperation. My husband has said that he'll just plead guilty and take the consequences. But his lawyer thinks he can get the charges reduced to a Class C misdemeanor to lower the chance for any kind of jail time. I don't want my husband to go to jail, so what would you do?

[Noirek]

The problem here is that the consequences of being hit can be far reaching.

Yes he may never do it again, but next time he is in foul mood and takes himself off to the garage then her adrenaline will be flowing big time and she will not want to go out there to talk it all out with him and she will be scared as to his reactions when he does come out of there.

This is where walking on eggshells comes into play, and trying to keep the peace and not being authentic in the relationship for fear of the consequences.

Yes, he may get it all under control and it may be nipped in the bud, but she may find that she will feel like she is now living with a bomb that may or may not explode at any minute. That takes its toll on health long term.

Normal arguments will now take on a darker tone and she will tend to always give in for fear of poking the bear. The whole dynamic of the relationship will change and whilst she may not be shaking in her shoes here, the more subtle underlying apprehension that follows such boundaries being crossed may never leave her now.

This is very true however my friend has managed to work through it well. I think the difference often being in the details between a one time thing and a patterned behaviour (grabbing arms, restraining, controlling, threatening.)

[lovemebreakme]

Well, my mother in law hired my husband a lawyer back the following morning of his arrested. And the lawyer had just called me. My husband is charged with Class A misdemeanor and the lawyer is asking for my cooperation. My husband has said that he'll just plead guilty and take the consequences. But his lawyer thinks he can get the charges reduced to a Class C misdemeanor to lower the chance for any kind of jail time. I don't want my husband to go to jail, so what would you do?

 

to avoid jail time ** correction

[Noirek]

Well, my mother in law hired my husband a lawyer back the following morning of his arrested. And the lawyer had just called me. My husband is charged with Class A misdemeanor and the lawyer is asking for my cooperation. My husband has said that he'll just plead guilty and take the consequences. But his lawyer thinks he can get the charges reduced to a Class C misdemeanor to lower the chance for any kind of jail time. I don't want my husband to go to jail, so what would you do?

 

Don't ask people on here what they would do. Ask yourself what is best for you, your husband and your child. As you can see many even support your husband being beat up (ironic right for one form of violence but against another? Everybody has their own line of justification)

 

But I do think now is not the time to worry about you bugging him. Really you are the only one who did nothing wrong. While yes down the road you can both learn better communication skills. Nothing you did deserved getting you hit. Your husband has to face this and take full responsibility for his actions. And get help. Your mom IMO wasn't wrong to call the cops but was wrong not to tell you. And I already gave my opinion on your brothers.

 

You need to seek a therapist ASAP IMHO.

[aileD]

Don't ask people on here what they would do. Ask yourself what is best for you, your husband and your child. As you can see many even support your husband being beat up (ironic right for one form of violence but against another? Everybody has their own line of justification)

 

But I do think now is not the time to worry about you bugging him. Really you are the only one who did nothing wrong. While yes down the road you can both learn better communication skills. Nothing you did deserved getting you hit. Your husband has to face this and take full responsibility for his actions. And get help. Your mom IMO wasn't wrong to call the cops but was wrong not to tell you. And I already gave my opinion on your brothers.

 

You need to seek a therapist ASAP IMHO.

 

Do you feel safe?

[lovemebreakme]

Do you feel safe?

 

I don't feel unsafe. I just feel really sad and stressed out. My mother is breathing down my neck telling me to leave him. His mother is trying to pressure my husband to press charges for assault against him. My brother is telling anyone who will listen that my husband is a women beater. I just want them to all just stop. Just stop. I get they are angry and are looking out for me but I just want them to stop. He has been arrested and charged. They beat him up. Now I just want them to just stop. So I can process what happened. And I can't afford him to lose his job.

[Noirek]

Do you feel safe?

 

What does this mean? I get people love to freak out over physical abuse. There are so many women who are trapped in abusive relationships. And men too. But that does not sound like the OP. So I thought I'd share a story with her of a couple where a one time abuse did happen and was resolved. I know it scares some people. But, the OP doesn't seem scared. She seems to want to work through this with him. So instead of trying to scare her away from that or hype her up I'm encouraging her to take control and take her time. Call the shots. Do what she wants without feeling bad because other people are trying to make her feel like she should not give him a second chance.

 

Oh you never adressed OP and I was confused at who you were addressing.

[CommittedToThis]

I just want them to all just stop. Just stop.

 

Sad situation, my heart goes out to you.

 

OP, you've mentioned a couple of times about not knowing when to back off with your husband, and that you are capable of saying hurtful things at times.

 

It seems like based on your family dynamic (ie. Mom intervening, brothers beating your husband up) that maybe your behavior and theirs aren't really all that far apart.

 

It sounds like your husband has been under lots of major stress lately and in spite of it has done the right thing by accepting responsibility for his actions and making arrangements for individual therapy.

 

Maybe you might consider therapy as a way of addressing the way you sometimes choose to speak to your husband, or in learning how to give him the space he needs sometimes.

[aileD]

What does this mean? I get people love to freak out over physical abuse. There are so many women who are trapped in abusive relationships. And men too. But that does not sound like the OP. So I thought I'd share a story with her of a couple where a one time abuse did happen and was resolved. I know it scares some people. But, the OP doesn't seem scared. She seems to want to work through this with him. So instead of trying to scare her away from that or hype her up I'm encouraging her to take control and take her time. Call the shots. Do what she wants without feeling bad because other people are trying to make her feel like she should not give him a second chance.

 

Oh you never adressed OP and I was confused at who you were addressing.

 

 

 

So sorry, I quoted the wrong post. Your advice was sound.

[aileD]

I don't feel unsafe. I just feel really sad and stressed out. My mother is breathing down my neck telling me to leave him. His mother is trying to pressure my husband to press charges for assault against him. My brother is telling anyone who will listen that my husband is a women beater. I just want them to all just stop. Just stop. I get they are angry and are looking out for me but I just want them to stop. He has been arrested and charged. They beat him up. Now I just want them to just stop. So I can process what happened. And I can't afford him to lose his job.

 

 

Oh sweetie. I know it's hard . Everyone has their hands in the pot. I know how you feel. When my H cheated on me, everyone wanted me to leave and wa pressuring me. I stayed and things are actually better. Sometimes the bad stuff can be a lesson and help you grow.

 

If he has truly never done fhis before and you don't feel unsafe, You could do the lesser charges. He is still your kids father, and your family relies on his income. There will still be a record of the incident.

 

Have a talk with your family. Let them know how you feel and ask them to please back off for awhile.

 

One thing that shouldn't change is that he needs to doncounseling and anger management before you make any decisions about your relationship. Maybe you can ask the courts if they can make that part of the deal.

 

I wish you the best.

[lovemebreakme]

I'll seek a therapist.

 

But right now I'm feeling really really sad. The pressure from my family is making this so hard. My went to his mother's house to stay. My mom wants to stay with me when I just want her to go home. I regret telling her. I'm supposedly the victim when I just want to work on things with my husband. When my mom showed up, and he was about to leave I wanted to hug him but didn't. I can tell he wanted to add well but he hasn't shown any affection since that night. He apologized over Ave over again, begging for another chance. I realize it has only been there, almost four days but I just want them to back off.

[CommittedToThis]

I just want them to back off.

 

You need to convey this desire into words directed at both Moms, the brothers, whoever else is involved. Tell them, "Listen, I appreciate what you're trying to do here but I need time alone with my husband to start working on things. You'll be leaving in the morning then."

 

And that's that.

 

It's your life, your marriage, not theirs. Remind them if necessary.

 

Hoping for the best for you two, and I'm stoked you are considering therapy for yourself. Learning to communicate clearly and peacefully is the best way to go and anyone can do it.

[lovemebreakme]

You need to convey this desire into words directed at both Moms, the brothers, whoever else is involved. Tell them, "Listen, I appreciate what you're trying to do here but I need time alone with my husband to start working on things. You'll be leaving in the morning then."

 

And that's that.

 

It's your life, your marriage, not theirs. Remind them if necessary.

 

Hoping for the best for you two, and I'm stoked you are considering therapy for yourself. Learning to communicate clearly and peacefully is the best way to go and anyone can do it.

 

I honestly can't wait to go back to work tomorrow. I told her that I needed her to go home and let me be. She told me I was confused and not giving straight. She's telling me that I should contact a lawyer tomorrow and file for divorce. I told her that I wasn't going to do that. And she flipped a lid. I'm trying to tell her that I just need time alone to work things out with my husband. And told her not to make me regret confiding in her. She claims to want what's best for me, but won't realize that she and my brothers are stressing me out.

[Noirek]

Have your mother and brothers had boundary issues like this is in the past? Do they often try or do walk all over you? I'd tell your mom that you understand she cares but she is keeping you from thinking straight.

 

I am so sorry that what was an awful situation and hard enough to process on its own got so blown out of control. Hang in there. You can do this. Be firm with your family. Set your boundaries and stick with them. The irony of it is if they had been there to support you instead of taking matters into their own hands you probably would have far more anger towards your husband than you do. Now they have taken all the anger and didn't give you time to react and act and make decisions.

[lovemebreakme]

Have your mother and brothers had boundary issues like this is in the past? Do they often try or do walk all over you? I'd tell your mom that you understand she cares but she is keeping you from thinking straight.

 

I am so sorry that what was an awful situation and hard enough to process on its own got so blown out of control. Hang in there. You can do this. Be firm with your family. Set your boundaries and stick with them. The irony of it is if they had been there to support you instead of taking matters into their own hands you probably would have far more anger towards your husband than you do. Now they have taken all the anger and didn't give you time to react and act and make decisions.

 

The day after when he called me I was pissed. I was hurt, confused, and down right bitter. But after he came back all beaten up I found it hard to be mad. I love this man and I regained a lot of respect for him when he didn't blame me for any of it. It was me who tried to take some of the blame. He is feeling a lot of shame. Telling me that his father would be ashamed of him if he were alive. They were close and I feel like he hasn't really came to terms with that.

 

I am trying really hard not to make excuses for him. But like you correctly said, they make it hard. My family is really protective. Sometimes they go overboard but I never expected they would act this way. My oldest brother and my husband were in the same grade in high school and had a lot of mutual friends. He really liked my husband and for him to react this way really shocked me.