Author lovemebreakme Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 Aww :love: That's good that he takes responsibility for what he did. That's awesome and so important!!! Aye, but no use crying over spilled milk, as my Mom likes to say. Yeah. I am glad he is going to therapy, and I hope he never reacts with violence again. It's very important not to ever allow abuse to become a second offense. That's awesome. I wish y'all well, and I hope y'all get through this trial stronger together, and more in love with each other, and yeah, that he never ever abuses you ever again!!! I think it goes both way. Some of my behaviour could be classified as emotional abuse and that needs to stop. If I'm feeling too angry it's best to walk away. But thanks I'm looking forward even though I'm terrified of where life will take us. I should probably get back to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) I found out my mom exaggerated what I told her on the phone and even lied to the police. I had contacted a lawyer and had them assist me with filling out an Affidavit of Non-Prosecution. I just hope they'll drop the charges. I just feel like he has been punished enough and having a criminal record for one bad choice isn't fair. He needs counseling not jail. If he does it again then I won't hesitate and will divorce his ass. But I believe I'm making the right decision. My husband had originally plead not guilty at the bail hearing hence the lawyer his mother hired for him said. And he had his first counselling appointment. And is having weekly sessions. Edited November 22, 2016 by lovemebreakme 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rick2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 This thread just amazes me, what can happen with a slap in the face, in the heat of a moment.. I think its a one time thing....your husband was boiling over....one thing i do know, when a person is extremely upset, and they tell me to leave... they dont have to say it twice, i leave, and i do not have any contact with them until they come to me... Your Husband was very upset and did something he should not have done, but now he is being punished. This punishment does not fit the crime..I feel bad for him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 This thread just amazes me, what can happen with a slap in the face, in the heat of a moment.. I think its a one time thing....your husband was boiling over....one thing i do know, when a person is extremely upset, and they tell me to leave... they dont have to say it twice, i leave, and i do not have any contact with them until they come to me... Your Husband was very upset and did something he should not have done, but now he is being punished. This punishment does not fit the crime..I feel bad for him.. I feel awful about it myself and I regret confineding into my mom. My husband didn't say much went they interviewed him at the scene. I at two in the morning said we had an argument and I got into his personal space and his hand connected with the side of my face. That it was an accident. My mom come to find out exaggerated about what I said in her phone call. My husband s going to plead guilty but I talked him out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 We both want our marriage to work and to be able to be great parents and role model to our son. It just sucks it took him getting arrested and doing something he'll regret for the rest of his life, for our eyes to be wide open. I truly believe he has suffered enough. The guilt and the shame he's feeling are eating him up inside. He starts therapy today so I hope and pray he can get through the grief and can forgive himself. I have never seen this man cry so much, and look so utterly defeated in the eight years we have been together. He's been taking these last few days harder then when his father actually passed away. I really do think all these emotions, and grief is really catching up with him. I do hope that that this is a one off and that you can put away this whole horrible experience and move on and that therapy will be the answer to this. BUT a word of caution, many abusive men are "Oh so sorry" and can cry and be racked with so much guilt and exhibit so much remorse after the abusive event. That reaction is not uncommon. Playing the victim is not uncommon. Of course then they forget all about it the next time they get mad and want to control the situation... It would have been interesting to see his reaction had your mother not called the police and had your brothers not beaten him up. (The average woman suffers 35 assaults before calling the police...) This was no small slap, he hit you so hard on the face you fell over. Do not try to minimize this too much, or take all the blame on yourself. He was shaking and seething and telling you to f--- off and shouting the odds and criticizing everything, long before you got in his face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 I do hope that that this is a one off and that you can put away this whole horrible experience and move on and that therapy will be the answer to this. BUT a word of caution, many abusive men are "Oh so sorry" and can cry and be racked with so much guilt and exhibit so much remorse after the abusive event. That reaction is not uncommon. Playing the victim is not uncommon. Of course then they forget all about it the next time they get mad and want to control the situation... It would have been interesting to see his reaction had your mother not called the police and had your brothers not beaten him up. (The average woman suffers 35 assaults before calling the police...) This was no small slap, he hit you so hard on the face you fell over. Do not try to minimize this too much, or take all the blame on yourself. He was shaking and seething and telling you to f--- off and shouting the odds and criticizing everything, long before you got in his face. His reaction after I tumbled over said it all. His face looked horrified. He had the omg what the hell did I do look. And he never once blamed me for it. He was already to just lead guilty. At the bail hearing his lawyer recommended him to plead not guilty so they could go over the case. But now that I have found out my mom told the police a fabricated version of what I said. I'm going to do whatever I can to make this go away. He was punched in the face and forever lost the respect of my parents. Never mind how hard he is treating himself. He's going to counseling so is throwing the book at him really going to help. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Your family is definitely doing more harm, than good. I would be very, very angry at my family, if I was in your situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 Your family is definitely doing more harm, than good. I would be very, very angry at my family, if I was in your situation. Honestly the only person I'm mad at is my mom. My brothers took my warning and backed off and my dad gave me some great advice. My mom went home and I haven't yet confronted her on why she lied. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 Your family is definitely doing more harm, than good. I would be very, very angry at my family, if I was in your situation. Honestly the only person I'm mad at is my mom. My brothers took my warning and backed off (they took what my mom said to face value) and my dad gave me some great advice. My mom went home and I haven't yet confronted her on why she lied. Link to post Share on other sites
benpom Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 His reaction after I tumbled over said it all. His face looked horrified. He had the omg what the hell did I do look. And he never once blamed me for it. He was already to just lead guilty. At the bail hearing his lawyer recommended him to plead not guilty so they could go over the case. But now that I have found out my mom told the police a fabricated version of what I said. I'm going to do whatever I can to make this go away. He was punched in the face and forever lost the respect of my parents. Never mind how hard he is treating himself. He's going to counseling so is throwing the book at him really going to help. OP, I believe you are doing the right thing. Just be cautious in future, like we always should be in life. Some may think you are justifying his behavior. But from my perspective, you are just being honest and taking your side of responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 OP, I believe you are doing the right thing. Just be cautious in future, like we always should be in life. Some may think you are justifying his behavior. But from my perspective, you are just being honest and taking your side of responsibility. I am far from justifying his behavior. Regardless we are having a temporary separation and he is not living in our home at this time. This was both equally agreed upon. Today in his first session he told me he talked about his feelings regarding his father death which resulted to some anger issues. He didn't want to divulge too much until he can know he can trust this therapist. He is taking responsibility so I guess I just don't see the point of adding more salt to the wound. Link to post Share on other sites
aurelius99 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 I am far from justifying his behavior. Regardless we are having a temporary separation and he is not living in our home at this time. This was both equally agreed upon. Today in his first session he told me he talked about his feelings regarding his father death which resulted to some anger issues. He didn't want to divulge too much until he can know he can trust this therapist. He is taking responsibility so I guess I just don't see the point of adding more salt to the wound. You can never FULLY trust a therapist. Their ultimate loyalty lies with with state/government rather than their clients. Link to post Share on other sites
aurelius99 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Honestly the only person I'm mad at is my mom. My brothers took my warning and backed off (they took what my mom said to face value) and my dad gave me some great advice. My mom went home and I haven't yet confronted her on why she lied. Mothers are often unable to objectively view situations involving their children. They are going to take their children's side no matter what, even if their child is Hitler. This is instinctive. It is both good and bad. In this case you are seeing the bad side of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 I know I have to work on myself. We both didn't realize how much problems we had until this happened. As for support. I don't think I have been unsupportive. When his father passed away I was there when he cried. I comforted him, listen to him. Did everything I could for him. Even before that we rarely fought and enjoyed each other company. We parented well and had a great sec life. Heck eight years in and I still get butterflies. We both love each other and we both have serious issues. But I guess it struck a nerve saying that I'm not supportive of my husband. Being supportive sometimes means knowing when to back off and give a partner breathing room...which you failed to do. There is a "need-for-control" element to you that you should explore in your upcoming therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 Being supportive sometimes means knowing when to back off and give a partner breathing room...which you failed to do. There is a "need-for-control" element to you that you should explore in your upcoming therapy. Sometimes I do. I now really acknowledge that I do need to back off. After the first **** off, I should have taken the hint. But I didn't and it escalated into him doing something he should have never done. But's done and I can only learn to do better and learn better coping skills. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 You and your husband both sound like decent people. And honestly, you are going through the same travails all of us do in our lives. There is nothing particularly unusual about the life problems you and your husband are facing. The problem is both of you have coping skills that are lacking. But I do not see anything in your marriage that is not fixable. Everything that is happened and all the causes are fixable, if the two of you unite as a team to get the help you both need to address them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 My husband wants to just plead guilty or take a plea bargain so that if this goes to trial the defence won't rip apart my mom on the stand. Our stories don't match since she lied and he didn't want me to feel like I'm throwing her under the bus. I just praying they just drop the case. Because he doesn't deserve anymore of this. At first I thought him playing guilty would be a good thing. But he isn't a monster. Just someone who made a bad choice. We both acted out and it got out of hand but I feel we both are suffering and we don't need this. Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Well since she only repeated and embelished what you said it wasn't a first hand account. I don't think you have to worry about her getting ripped apart. Its like the game of telephone. Things often get distorted as they pass from mouth to mouth. How badly did she exaggerate it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) Well since she only repeated and embelished what you said it wasn't a first hand account. I don't think you have to worry about her getting ripped apart. Its like the game of telephone. Things often get distorted as they pass from mouth to mouth. How badly did she exaggerate it? Pretty badly. This wasn't just something that was distorted. She left out details and made him out to be this rank monster. I told her that we were arguing, and that I got into his face after he told me to leave him alone a couple times. I'm so surprised that they didn't issue a no contact order against him. Edited November 23, 2016 by lovemebreakme Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 If you love him and want to give him a chance you'll have to protect him and your nuclear family from the damage that his going to jail will cause. It seems your father's (and your husband's lawyer's) is the only advice you should be listening to. Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Sometimes I do. I now really acknowledge that I do need to back off. After the first **** off, I should have taken the hint. But I didn't and it escalated into him doing something he should have never done. But's done and I can only learn to do better and learn better coping skills. What's the plan for both of you? Have you both signed up for anger management classes and effective communication skills? You both need help to learn reasonable methods that are not violent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 24, 2016 Author Share Posted November 24, 2016 What's the plan for both of you? Have you both signed up for anger management classes and effective communication skills? You both need help to learn reasonable methods that are not violent. We are seperated temporary to start. While he is dealing with his legal issues we decided some time apart while having open communication and tone together with and without our son is needed. He had his first counseling appointment yesterday and I have mine tomorrow. Anger management classes is something I'll look into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovemebreakme Posted November 24, 2016 Author Share Posted November 24, 2016 (edited) Despite the hurricane of emotion inflicted upon my family I want to point out today is Thanksgiving. I want to say I'm thankful for my family. To my two year old son who was been my biggest support and for giving me the honor to being his mother. To my husband who despite the recent circumstances, I love dearly. Thanks for spending the last years together and four years of marriage. You are a great man, great provider and wonderful man. I'm Thanksful for a second chance with you and our wonderful family. I'm Thanksful to my parents and brothers and sister. I hope you can come to forgive my husband. And thankful for my mother in law. Things between us are strained but hopeful in time will get better. Edited November 24, 2016 by lovemebreakme 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aurelius99 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 Lovemebreakme, Happy thanksgiving to you. I just was wondering...what have your past relationships been like before your husband? Have they generally been stable (possibly even boring) or have they been passionate and chaotic? Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 It would be a dealbreaker if he hit your son, but it's okay if YOU are abused? Think about what you'll be teaching your son if your husband starts getting comfortable with this, which is usually how this stuff works. sounds like he's always been abusive in some way and now it's just escalating... You have awesome brothers, by the way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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