My husband hit me and is remorseful

[Fair]

I wouldn't care what excuse he has for doing it or how remorseful he is afterward. He didn't have to hit you. He gave himself permission to do it.

 

If any man ever hit me I'd make him wish he was dead.

[Noirek]

^lol on the dramatics and escalating. op is far more level headed and mature than that thankfully

[lovemebreakme]

Lovemebreakme,

 

Happy thanksgiving to you. I just was wondering...what have your past relationships been like before your husband? Have they generally been stable (possibly even boring) or have they been passionate and chaotic?

 

My husband is the 2nd serious guy I had been with. My first boyfriend, I dated from the time I was 15 to 17. We broke up three months before graduation. It was an okay boyfriend. We had a lot of fun but I don't think it was never intended to be a long-term thing. I met my husband in my first year of university. He was in his last year of university. He started university a few years after high school. We hit off right away. My relationship with my husband had been passionate, almost love at first sight. I knew from day one pretty much that this was the man I would marry.

[lovemebreakme]

It would be a dealbreaker if he hit your son, but it's okay if YOU are abused? Think about what you'll be teaching your son if your husband starts getting comfortable with this, which is usually how this stuff works. sounds like he's always been abusive in some way and now it's just escalating...

 

You have awesome brothers, by the way.

 

You obviously haven't read the whole thread. It's not okay that I am abused and its true that it would be a dealbreaker if he had hit our son, but he didn't hit our son. He hit me.

 

My husband is not comfortable with this. He is about as remorseful as he can possibly be. He is taking responsibility, taking 100% blame and doing whatever it takes to make things right. If at any time he starts slipping and showing signs that he is not working on himself for the better than I'll readdress and move on.

[lovemebreakme]

I wouldn't care what excuse he has for doing it or how remorseful he is afterward. He didn't have to hit you. He gave himself permission to do it.

 

If any man ever hit me I'd make him wish he was dead.

 

He didn't have to hit me. You are right there but it happened. He regrets it, feels like ****. I love this man, don't believe he is a horrible person and he deserves a second chance. If we can both do the work to become healthier people than there is no reason why we can't work through this.

 

 

Also to add, he has never been abusive. WE had heated arguments but this and I mean this this is out of character for him. The whole day had been out of character for him.

[Fair]

Oh of course. They're remorseful the first time... until they see if you let them get away with it. Well let it go, then. Sounds like you already have. Bad move but it's your life.

[Fair]

If you're so sure about the integrity of your "remorseful" husband why did you come to the forums saying you're "confused?" Why are you looking for validation from a bunch of strangers? it's because something isn't sitting right.

 

I rest my case.

[elaine567]

Also to add, he has never been abusive. WE had heated arguments but this and I mean this this is out of character for him. The whole day had been out of character for him.

 

Which suggests something "out of character" has happened to him.

This may be the death of his father, work problems, the loss of his promotion, but if you visit the infidelity part of this site, you will see that many cheating husbands in the midst of an affair tend to act completely "out of character" and can turn into ogres with their wives.

Why exactly could he not pick up your son? Why did he come home "seething" and taking it all out on you? He was very angry long before you got into his face.

Is his "remorse" actually more to do with the guilt he feels as he is cheating.

 

Fair is correct he gave himself permission to hit you, the "red mist" that descends and excuses a man hitting his wife, usually quickly disperses when he is faced with a 16 stone muscle man instead of a 8 stone woman.

It is often very selective "uncontrollable anger"...

 

He is prime cheating material, I am sorry to say. Seriously attached straight out of college, 8 years of "courtship" straight through his twenties, maybe getting a bit bored sexually, feeling a bit neglected with your pregnancy, now has a young son that requires a load of your attention, work not going that well, feeling trapped maybe, feels like he missed out, death of his father, life is not a rehearsal...

 

I am not saying he IS cheating here, but just be careful.

Keep your eyes open.

[lovemebreakme]

Which suggests something "out of character" has happened to him.

This may be the death of his father, work problems, the loss of his promotion, but if you visit the infidelity part of this site, you will see that many cheating husbands in the midst of an affair tend to act completely "out of character" and can turn into ogres with their wives.

Why exactly could he not pick up your son? Why did he come home "seething" and taking it all out on you? He was very angry long before you got into his face.

Is his "remorse" actually more to do with the guilt he feels as he is cheating.

 

Fair is correct he gave himself permission to hit you, the "red mist" that descends and excuses a man hitting his wife, usually quickly disperses when he is faced with a 16 stone muscle man instead of a 8 stone woman.

It is often very selective "uncontrollable anger"...

 

He is prime cheating material, I am sorry to say. Seriously attached straight out of college, 8 years of "courtship" straight through his twenties, maybe getting a bit bored sexually, feeling a bit neglected with your pregnancy, now has a young son that requires a load of your attention, work not going that well, feeling trapped maybe, feels like he missed out, death of his father, life is not a rehearsal...

 

I am not saying he IS cheating here, but just be careful.

Keep your eyes open.

 

How did cheating become part of the equation. I mean anything is possible but highly doubtful. Our sex life is amazing. Often, very adventures and he always what's it. As for feeling neglected during the pregnancy. I mean it's possible. But I don't think I allowed myself to get dependent on him. I made sure to pay extra attention to his needs. I can't see him feeling trapped when he said he wanted to have another child. Which I wasn't objected too. If anyone was at risk for cheating it would be me. He was in his mid twenties when we met and thirty when our son was born. He was ready to settle doormen and he made that clear.

 

His father and him were close so this where the source of the stress came from. He took it hard and it was so sudden. That same night the two of them had plans. He looked up to his father and to the stress he felt cheated when someone got the promotion he wanted.

[lovemebreakme]

If you're so sure about the integrity of your "remorseful" husband why did you come to the forums saying you're "confused?" Why are you looking for validation from a bunch of strangers? it's because something isn't sitting right.

 

I rest my case.

 

 

Okay fair enough assumption. I came here without a clear mind. Whatever happens I have zero tolerance and if he do much as threatens me were done . I do believe now he deserves that much

Edited November 25, 2016 by lovemebreakme

[lovemebreakme]

Another reason why I do think our separation is a good thing. I'm likely making a lot of decisions on emotion. I was entirely a lot more emotional on the night and first couple days following the incident.

 

I did feel really bad for him when he came home beat up. Not so much the reason why but the fact he was if that made sense. My husband isn't a big guy. A few inches under six feet tall and only 150, maybe 160 pounds. Each of my brothers is a good 4 or 5 inches taller than him, and at least 40 pounds on him. So I guess it felt overkill for them to both confront him and overpower him. Sounds like he didn't even try to fight back. My oldest brother had cracked jokes about how my husband looked like a scared little puppy and didn't look so manly.

 

Besides that night, my husband hadn't spent the night at the house. We are technically separated and I do think that is what is needed at least for me. It is hard because I really miss him.

[aurelius99]

Another reason why I do think our separation is a good thing. I'm likely making a lot of decisions on emotion. I was entirely a lot more emotional on the night and first couple days following the incident.

 

I did feel really bad for him when he came home beat up. Not so much the reason why but the fact he was if that made sense. My husband isn't a big guy. A few inches under six feet tall and only 150, maybe 160 pounds. Each of my brothers is a good 4 or 5 inches taller than him, and at least 40 pounds on him. So I guess it felt overkill for them to both confront him and overpower him. Sounds like he didn't even try to fight back. My oldest brother had cracked jokes about how my husband looked like a scared little puppy and didn't look so manly.

 

Besides that night, my husband hadn't spent the night at the house. We are technically separated and I do think that is what is needed at least for me. It is hard because I really miss him.

 

The more I read about your situation, the less I look down on your husband. What the f--- is wrong with your brothers? Are THEY bullies? Sounds like they were bullying your husband. That's pretty low if you ask me. Plus combined with the BS distortion campaign of your mother. Truth be told, if we lived pre-1900s before the days of women's empowerment, or in ANY Islamic nation worldwide, your husbands actions wouldn't have been looked down upon in the least. Sounds like he is getting shafted in this marriage situation.

[aurelius99]

Secondly, in addition to my last post above, it seems as if you don't respect your husband. You almost seemed to express a sick gratification that your husband looked like a "scared little puppy" when confronted by your physically superior brothers.

[lovemebreakme]

Secondly, in addition to my last post above, it seems as if you don't respect your husband. You almost seemed to express a sick gratification that your husband looked like a "scared little puppy" when confronted by your physically superior brothers.

 

I don't get any pleasure of any kind from my brother's beating up my husband. I would do anything to go back and do that night over. I didn't respect my husband's space or do I in any way justify his actions, but I do respect him as a person and wish more than anything to change how things went down. He is being mistreated and shafted that is why I'm trying to make things right. I don't like that my brother's ambushed him but I do understand why they did. I just wish they wouldn't have. My husband said he deserved it and doesn't' want to discuss it and just let it be. I told my brothers that if they again touch, threatened or do anything to him again I will call the police myself. So I don't understand and am almost insulted that anyone would think I'm getting any kind of gratification from any of this.

Edited November 25, 2016 by lovemebreakme

[aurelius99]

I don't get any pleasure of any kind from my brother's beating up my husband. I would do anything to go back and do that night over. I didn't respect my husband's space or do I in any way justify his actions, but I do respect him as a person and wish more than anything to change how things went down. He is being mistreated and shafted that is why I'm trying to make things right. I don't like that my brother's ambushed him but I do understand why they did. I just wish they wouldn't have. My husband said he deserved it and doesn't' want to discuss it and just let it be. I told my brothers that if they again touch, threatened or do anything to him again I will call the police myself. So I don't understand and am almost insulted that anyone would think I'm getting any kind of gratification from any of this.

 

Is the fact that your family has its claws all over your marriage something that bothers your husband? This could explain his resentment. Stuff like this really can destroy a marriage.

[lovemebreakme]

Is the fact that your family has its claws all over your marriage something that bothers your husband? This could explain his resentment. Stuff like this really can destroy a marriage.

 

Up until these instances, my family and his haven't been involved. They don't but in decisions we made or child rearing. I guess I'm just perplexed on how much they reacted to what had happened. I thought my mom wouldn't have taken it to this extreme.

 

My husband for the past couple months has been really down in the dumps. It's expected when dealing with grief. He has been attentive, loving and very hard working despite this. When I asked him what he felt or thought after his arrest. He just said he felt full of shame and like such a horrible person. He is beating himself over this. This is why this moment forward I had to put a foot down to my family. He already feels bad enough then to have them to continue to bring him down.

 

He has expressed over and over again that he wants to work on our marriage. That our son and I are the only things important to him. And that he'd do anything to keep our family together. He feels like he has let down his father and that he wants to prove himself, to his father and his son that he is a good man.

 

When we were discussing what happened, he mentioned when my brothers ambushed him he didn't feel angry but ashamed at how I must have felt when he as someone bigger, and someone who should have been there to protect me could have struck me. He said he deserved it and that my brothers did him a favor by putting him in his place. But if I press forward or want to talk more about ithe shuts down. He just says to let it go. We had discussed his need to want to plead guilty, and he said that he is guilty. He said he doesn't want to drag my family or anyone else through the mud because of his decision.

 

I can't say if he feels any resentment toward me at any time during our marriage. He hasn't expressed any resentment but only the desire to make our marriage better. But I think that is something him/we / I can explore through therapy.

 

###

 

On a side note, I had my therapy appointment. I thought it was yesterday, but it was today. Anyway, it was only the first appointment with this particular therapist. We talked a bit about my marriage, my relationships with my parents and I did mention the assault, domestic violence charges and pretty much summarized everything I had written here. I liked how she listened and didn't place any blame. It's only the first session, but she did open me up to some things I should think about and reflect on. I'm sure going forward there will be more in-depth sessions on certain areas. But I believe it is a good start.

Edited November 25, 2016 by lovemebreakme

[aurelius99]

Truthfully, if I were your husband, I would start weightlifting, take Kung fu, then hunt down your brothers and beat the piss out of them. But that's just me.

[benpom]

You husband sounds like quite a decent person, considering that he is willing to plea guilty just to give your mother a break, and he is not pursuing charges against your brothers.

[Tayla]

Noticed this stemmed from extremely poor and unhealthy communication skills.

Get into counseling. This "understanding" violence by your kin but having zero "understanding" and compassion for your husband is sad.

 

He gets arrested? he gets "put in his place"? Sorry dear but neither man nor woman deserve harm.. As you can well attest to.

 

Get counseling.

[ShatteredLady]

Truthfully, if I were your husband, I would start weightlifting, take Kung fu, then hunt down your brothers and beat the piss out of them. But that's just me.

 

 

REALLY??? SERIOUSLY????

 

Is more violence REALLY what you think this situation needs?!?!?

 

Resentment?? Infidelity??? Maybe he's a secret terrorist, serial killer??

 

Thank goodness the OP seems to be a very intelligent, compassionate, RATIONAL woman.

[aurelius99]

REALLY??? SERIOUSLY????

 

Is more violence REALLY what you think this situation needs?!?!?

 

Resentment?? Infidelity??? Maybe he's a secret terrorist, serial killer??

 

Thank goodness the OP seems to be a very intelligent, compassionate, RATIONAL woman.

 

Her brothers are bullies. Bullies, unfortunately, only learn THEIR lesson when they get their respective asses kicked.

[ShatteredLady]

Her brothers are bullies. Bullies, unfortunately, only learn THEIR lesson when they get their respective asses kicked.

 

 

This all started because a clearly emotionally distressed person tried to escape another who chased them down, refused to get 'out of their face' no matter how many times they were asked to.... It could be argued that the bullied lashed out when cornered by a verbal bully? Are you saying that hitting her was the best response from her H?

 

Her brothers heard that their sister had been bullied so they cornered the bully & beat him.

 

Now your saying that the bullied, who became a bully & got bullied for it should build-up his body so he can better bully those who bullied?...what should the THEN bullied do in retaliation? Get a gun? What kind of world do you want?

 

 

OP I'm not questioning or judging you in ANY way. I'm just trying to make the point that THERE IS NEVER A REASON FOR VIOLENCE!! Advising planned & calculated violence is horrible! Just horrible! REALLY?!?

[lovemebreakme]

My brother, not the one cracking jokes stopped by. My husband and I were sitting on the couch. I thought for sure there was going to start a problem. At first, he didn't say anything. But after a few minutes, I had to put my son to bed. I was afraid to leave the room that left because I couldn't see my brother trying anything with my husband in the room, in his own house. When I came back into the living room I heard my brother apologizing to my husband. That he never realized he and oldest brother took things way too far. My husband said it was fine but nothing else. There was still a lot of tension between them the short while my brother was here. But I'm super glad he apologized to my husband.

 

Anyway, my husband and I had a great discussion. He wants to see a psychotherapist that deals with grief specifically. Because he said he had tried to deal with his father's death but the grief is taking over. But from an earlier post, someone mentioned resentment. I brought it up because it had been on my mind all day long.

 

This discussion took place after my brother left. He first off redirected the question back at me and asked me if I resented him? If I hated him. I said that I don't hate him, don't have any ill feelings about him as person. I didn't condone his actions or will I take any blame in how he handle himself. But that I was proud of him for how he is dealing with the after math. Then I asked him again about if he felt any resentment or really any feelings in general over the whole circumstances. He said no. But he said he didn't find out until the next day that it wasn't actually me who called the police. He spent all night thinking I hated him, that I was done with him.

 

He said he was so scared that I would reject him when he came home, after his encounter with my brothers. He just wanted my comfort and felt selfish for even wanting that. I had to reassure him that wasn't the case.

 

All in all, it was a very honest conversation. And he just left to go back to his mother's house. I really wanted him to stay, but we can't give in to boundaries. We both agreed to this separation and both agreed we need to take things slow so we can get through this.

[lovemebreakme]

This all started because a clearly emotionally distressed person tried to escape another who chased them down, refused to get 'out of their face' no matter how many times they were asked to.... It could be argued that the bullied lashed out when cornered by a verbal bully? Are you saying that hitting her was the best response from her H?

 

Her brothers heard that their sister had been bullied so they cornered the bully & beat him.

 

Now your saying that the bullied, who became a bully & got bullied for it should build-up his body so he can better bully those who bullied?...what should the THEN bullied do in retaliation? Get a gun? What kind of world do you want?

 

 

OP I'm not questioning or judging you in ANY way. I'm just trying to make the point that THERE IS NEVER A REASON FOR VIOLENCE!! Advising planned & calculated violence is horrible! Just horrible! REALLY?!?

 

I don't want there to be any more violence. The last thing my husband needs to do is to resort to more violence. He is not a violent person at heart and he like myself just need to deal with our issues in a positive way.

[lovemebreakme]

Noticed this stemmed from extremely poor and unhealthy communication skills.

Get into counseling. This "understanding" violence by your kin but having zero "understanding" and compassion for your husband is sad.

 

He gets arrested? he gets "put in his place"? Sorry dear but neither man nor woman deserve harm.. As you can well attest to.

 

Get counseling.

 

I have tons of compassion for my husband. I want and am working on any way I can to get the charges dropped.

Edited November 26, 2016 by lovemebreakme