My husband hit me and is remorseful

[lovemebreakme]

Your mother may have added some arms and legs to the story, but your husband still hit you so hard you fell down, so many people are not going to forgive him for that, are they?

 

YOU may be able to forgive and forget as you "love" him, but to others he is "the horrible guy who hit you" and they will maybe never forget nor forgive depending on their own perspective and perhaps their own experience with domestic violence.

 

The best you may now hope to achieve is that they will be civil to your husband and yourself and that at some point if you decide to stick my him, that they will allow him back into the family fold.

 

I know that is likely the reality of things but still it sucks. I hope they can learn to be civil with him. But I can't force or do I expect them to think of him the same way again.

 

This Christmas will be the first Christmas/Christmas Eve I won't be attending at my mom's house. I want to spend it at home with my husband and my son.

[benpom]

I am so sorry this happened near the holidays. Your family probably shares the mindset of many posters. It is a common POV. And they probably feel they are using tough love on you to help you leave your husband. They may not believe this was a one time thing or feel he has behaved controlling or with other classive absuive signs. People forget that we are humans and physical response is actually quite common. It is often dealt with in childhood but sometimes it doesnt crop up until later. And they probably see your seperation as a sign of this. They will get over it. Give them time.

 

That's not tough love. That's about the mother not being able to get what she wants. She is thinking about what satisfies her own sense of justice or righteousness. She is not thinking about what is good for OP.

 

This is kind of unbelievable considering that OP's husband is already cutting her a slack in not picking her apart in court.

 

In my opinion, fabricating a story to get someone in trouble with the law (framing someone) is a much worse crime that violence.

[Noirek]

That's not tough love. That's about the mother not being able to get what she wants. She is thinking about what satisfies her own sense of justice or righteousness. She is not thinking about what is good for OP.

 

This is kind of unbelievable considering that OP's husband is already cutting her a slack in not picking her apart in court.

 

In my opinion, fabricating a story to get someone in trouble with the law (framing someone) is a much worse crime that violence.

 

Oh no I meant the grandma saying he wasn't allowed over was "tough love". And I mean from their POV. I beielve her family is over stepping boundaries but I see where they are coming from. Look at the projections from people who don't even know her posting!

[elaine567]

The mother will be absolutely petrified. Her daughter has been hit out of the blue by her husband and the mother's imagination will be in overdrive.

She will be imagining all sorts.

She will be thinking that this may have been going on for years, she will so scared that one day her daughter will be found under the patio...

We can all go that is a gross exaggeration and over-dramatisation, but these things do happen. How does the mother know the husband has not lost his mind?

 

The OP thinks she knows her husband and what he is capable of, but the mother has had her opinion of the husband turned upside down.

NO wonder she sent the OPs brother round to check up on the OP.

She will be out of her mind with worry here.

[nittygritty]

You obviously haven't read the whole thread. It's not okay that I am abused and its true that it would be a dealbreaker if he had hit our son, but he didn't hit our son. He hit me.

 

My husband is not comfortable with this. He is about as remorseful as he can possibly be. He is taking responsibility, taking 100% blame and doing whatever it takes to make things right. If at any time he starts slipping and showing signs that he is not working on himself for the better than I'll readdress and move on.

 

You say that it would be a deal breaker for you if your husband had hit your son. So perhaps you should be able to somewhat understand what your mother may be feeling knowing that he hit her daughter.

 

Your husband hit you in the face and knocked you to the ground after telling you twice to F off simply because you asked him what is wrong. And now you love him so much and feel sorry for him and your mad at your mom and don't want to see or speak to her??? Yours is a classic example of the cycle of what happens in domestic abuse relationships.

 

Why do you want to isolate yourself from your mother after your husband has hit you? Reread your posts. You sound more worried about him than you are about yourself or your son's safety now that he has completely betrayed your trust. Does it make you mad at all at your husband that he hit you in the face and knocked you to the ground, or do you think you deserved it because you dared to ask him what was wrong and didn't walk away the first time he told you to F off? Your anger at your mom seems displaced given the situation.

 

Being around someone that is that unpredictable is a dangerous situation for you and your son. It is really good that you have separated from him while you all get counseling. I truly hope that it never happens again.

Edited November 26, 2016 by nittygritty

[lovemebreakme]

You say that it would be a deal breaker for you if your husband had hit your son. So perhaps you should be able to somewhat understand what your mother may be feeling knowing that he hit her daughter.

 

Your husband hit you in the face and knocked you to the ground after telling you twice to F off simply because you asked him what is wrong. And now you love him so much and feel sorry for him and your mad at your mom and don't want to see or speak to her??? Yours is a classic example of the cycle of what happens in domestic abuse relationships.

 

Why do you want to isolate yourself from your mother after your husband has hit you? Reread your posts. You sound more worried about him than you are about yourself or your son's safety now that he has completely betrayed your trust. Does it make you mad at all at your husband that he hit you in the face and knocked you to the ground, or do you think you deserved it because you dared to ask him what was wrong and didn't walk away the first time he told you to F off? Your anger at your mom seems displaced given the situation.

 

Being around someone that is that unpredictable is a dangerous situation for you and your son. It is really good that you have separated from him while you all get counseling. I truly hope that it never happens again.

 

In not mad at my mom for calling the police on my husband. I'm mad she is making up **** that isn't true.

[lovemebreakme]

I'm just having a hard time. My son is asking where daddy is and why he isn't here. I just feel stressed out and just want my mom support but instead she is doing anything but.

[benpom]

You say that it would be a deal breaker for you if your husband had hit your son. So perhaps you should be able to somewhat understand what your mother may be feeling knowing that he hit her daughter.

 

Your husband hit you in the face and knocked you to the ground after telling you twice to F off simply because you asked him what is wrong. And now you love him so much and feel sorry for him and your mad at your mom and don't want to see or speak to her??? Yours is a classic example of the cycle of what happens in domestic abuse relationships.

 

Why do you want to isolate yourself from your mother after your husband has hit you? Reread your posts. You sound more worried about him than you are about yourself or your son's safety now that he has completely betrayed your trust. Does it make you mad at all at your husband that he hit you in the face and knocked you to the ground, or do you think you deserved it because you dared to ask him what was wrong and didn't walk away the first time he told you to F off? Your anger at your mom seems displaced given the situation.

 

Being around someone that is that unpredictable is a dangerous situation for you and your son. It is really good that you have separated from him while you all get counseling. I truly hope that it never happens again.

 

It's understandable that mothers can be over protective.

 

But here, OP's mother is not even supportive towards OP right now when she needs help. Judging from this, OP's mother is doing what she is doing not because she is trying to protect her daughter, but to control the daughter to conform to her ideology.

 

My guess is that OP's mother has big boundary issues, and OP might have learnt this from her during childhood and not even realize it.

[nittygritty]

In not mad at my mom for calling the police on my husband. I'm mad she is making up **** that isn't true.

 

If your daughter called you and told you that her husband hit her in the face and knocked her to the ground after he forgot to pick up their son from daycare and after he had told her to F off twice simply because she had asked him what was wrong, is it possible that you might misunderstand some of the details? Wouldn't your imagination and fears run wild if you were worried that your daughter's and your grandchild's life was in danger after her husband had hit her in the face and knocked her to the ground?

 

What he actually did to you is more than bad enough. Maybe she got some things wrong but you should probably cut her some slack. It isn't her fault that he hit you. And she was there for you when you needed help. You have no way of knowing whether or not this was a one time thing or if your marriage is even going to work out. She will be there for you to help you and your son if your marriage doesn't work out.

 

It's obvious that your husband has very serious problems because there is absolutely nothing normal about him verbally, emotionally and physically abusing you. He is likely struggling with much more than just grief over his father's death. Does the counseling you both are going to involve psychological testing? Do you know if he is abusing drugs or alcohol? Or has any kind of addiction problems? Do you know (as much as one could know) that he hasn't cheated on you with another woman? Have you looked at bank statements, cell phone bills and credit card statements to see if there is anything unusual? Rather than fantasizing about how wonderful he is and your marriage is going to be after he has hit you and his pesky domestic abuse court charges are dealt with, you should probably try to find out if he has any other bad behaviors that you were unaware of before getting back together. Trust is earned and he has broken it. You and your son deserve a safe living situation.

[nittygritty]

It's understandable that mothers can be over protective.

 

But here, OP's mother is not even supportive towards OP right now when she needs help. Judging from this, OP's mother is doing what she is doing not because she is trying to protect her daughter, but to control the daughter to conform to her ideology.

 

My guess is that OP's mother has big boundary issues, and OP might have learnt this from her during childhood and not even realize it.

 

"Mom, my husband hit me so hard across the face that it knocked me to the ground".

 

"Mom, why did you call the police and what did you tell them? I can't believe you did that!"

 

Yep, it's all mom's fault. Better not talk to her because she is not supportive.

[lovemebreakme]

"Mom, my husband hit me so hard across the face that it knocked me to the ground".

 

"Mom, why did you call the police and what did you tell them? I can't believe you did that!"

 

Yep, it's all mom's fault. Better not talk to her because she is not supportive.

 

So I met up with my mom to talk to her. This is an emotional time for me and I don't want issues why her. I told her the husband and I are separated. I asked her why she didn't tell the police the full truth because now they both have seperate, completely different stories and one of both of us will look like liars. She admitted to me that she s afraid that I'd forgive him and she said that if I did he needed to have some kind of consequences. So I told her what steps I took to get the charges dropped and that she didn't need to worry about having to testify because the husband is not taking this to trial. So either the prosecution will drop the charges or he'll accept a plea bargain. His lawyer thinks that the prosecution won't take this to trial so we will see. I told her that I wasn't her support but too tell me the truth because it's making it hard for me to want to come to her. She said she was sorry and said she'll back off and trust that I know what I'm doing.

Edited November 27, 2016 by lovemebreakme

[lovemebreakme]

If your daughter called you and told you that her husband hit her in the face and knocked her to the ground after he forgot to pick up their son from daycare and after he had told her to F off twice simply because she had asked him what was wrong, is it possible that you might misunderstand some of the details? Wouldn't your imagination and fears run wild if you were worried that your daughter's and your grandchild's life was in danger after her husband had hit her in the face and knocked her to the ground?

 

What he actually did to you is more than bad enough. Maybe she got some things wrong but you should probably cut her some slack. It isn't her fault that he hit you. And she was there for you when you needed help. You have no way of knowing whether or not this was a one time thing or if your marriage is even going to work out. She will be there for you to help you and your son if your marriage doesn't work out.

 

It's obvious that your husband has very serious problems because there is absolutely nothing normal about him verbally, emotionally and physically abusing you. He is likely struggling with much more than just grief over his father's death. Does the counseling you both are going to involve psychological testing? Do you know if he is abusing drugs or alcohol? Or has any kind of addiction problems? Do you know (as much as one could know) that he hasn't cheated on you with another woman? Have you looked at bank statements, cell phone bills and credit card statements to see if there is anything unusual? Rather than fantasizing about how wonderful he is and your marriage is going to be after he has hit you and his pesky domestic abuse court charges are dealt with, you should probably try to find out if he has any other bad behaviors that you were unaware of before getting back together. Trust is earned and he has broken it. You and your son deserve a safe living situation.

 

I'm almost positive he isn't cheating and certainly not doing drugs. He works for a high end company who does random drug testing. He passed his last one back in September. I'm signing us both up for anger management and he wants to see a psychologist and or therapist that deals with grief.

[nittygritty]

So I met up with my mom to talk to her. This is an emotional time for me and I don't want issues why her. I told her the husband and I are separated. I asked her why she didn't tell the police the full truth because now they both have seperate, completely different stories and one of both of us will look like liars. She admitted to me that she s afraid that I'd forgive him and she said that if I did he needed to have some kind of consequences. So I told her what steps I took to get the charges dropped and that she didn't need to worry about having to testify because the husband is not taking this to trial. So either the prosecution will drop the charges or he'll accept a plea bargain. His lawyer thinks that the prosecution won't take this to trial so we will see. I told her that I wasn't her support but too tell me the truth because it's making it hard for me to want to come to her. She said she was sorry and said she'll back off and trust that I know what I'm doing.

 

That's good! And the responsible way to handle it.

 

I'm sure that it is an emotional and stressful time. I'm sorry that it happened to you. Be kind to yourself, it's not your fault.

[benpom]

"Mom, my husband hit me so hard across the face that it knocked me to the ground".

 

"Mom, why did you call the police and what did you tell them? I can't believe you did that!"

 

Yep, it's all mom's fault. Better not talk to her because she is not supportive.

 

Making up false accusations is wrong. Yes, it is the mother's fault to make up false accusations.

[lovemebreakme]

Making up false accusations is wrong. Yes, it is the mother's fault to make up false accusations.

 

The truth was he did strike me. I'm fuzzy on if I fell because of the slap or because of shock. I had no marks or redness afterwards. Not that it makes a difference. But she told the police that I said this was all his fault and unprovoked. And on and on. When I know I told her exactly what went down. That is what bothers me.

[nittygritty]

Making up false accusations is wrong. Yes, it is the mother's fault to make up false accusations.

 

Hopefully, he got the message loud and clear that he better not ever hit her again. No telling what they'll do to him.

[lovemebreakme]

Hopefully, he got the message loud and clear that he better not ever hit her again. No telling what they'll do to him.

 

I made it clear if it happens again I'll charge him myself, and divorce him. But I don't think he'll do it again. I see this as a one time thing resulted from emotional distress which if he continues to work on himself won't happen again.

Edited November 27, 2016 by lovemebreakme

[benpom]

I made it clear if it happens again I'll charge him myself, and divorce him. But I don't think he'll do it again. I see this as a one time thing resulted from emotional distress which if he continues to work on himself won't happen again.

 

Sounds like everybody has learned valuable lessons this time. Even your mom is backing off from overstepping boundaries.

 

One common fear people have about violence is it being repeated. There are indeed some people who are just paranoid and crazy and who become violent over imagined fear.

 

But your husband is not this type. Before this incident happened, you did contribute into pushing him towards his limit. I am not trying to excuse him, but rather, I am saying you can indeed predict when it is time to back off and give him space.

 

A marriage, or any relationship, is not about pushing a person to the limit and still expecting the person to be a saint. A good relationship should be about supporting each other and rescuing each other from approaching the limit.

 

Judging from how your story is evolving, I have faith you two will both come out of this being better people.

Edited November 27, 2016 by benpom

[lovemebreakme]

This had been the most difficult, emotional thing I had ever had to deal with. I like to say, if my husband and I can get through this and become emotionally and psychological healthier, and save our marriage, then I can't see anything else being able to take us down. Wishful thinking but there has been so god damn negativity this past week I seriously need some positivity.

[benpom]

This had been the most difficult, emotional thing I had ever had to deal with. I like to say, if my husband and I can get through this and become emotionally and psychological healthier, and save our marriage, then I can't see anything else being able to take us down. Wishful thinking but there has been so god damn negativity this past week I seriously need some positivity.

 

I have being paying attention to your case for a few days. I don't know how to comfort you even though I really want to. I am just glad to see that your case is evolving towards a positive direction.

 

You sound like an intelligent, considerate and compassionate lady. Your life will keep becoming better in future.

Edited November 27, 2016 by benpom

[lovemebreakme]

Well...

 

Things just keep happening. Someone or somehow my husband's job found out about his arrest. Good news is they aren't firing him. My husband told me he didn't admit to anything but admitted to some marriage woes and separation. So they are giving him some work to do at home and recommended him to take some time to get his life back on track. My husband is glad he still has a job but is also disappointed because he is treating this as a step backward. But they told him after Christmas; he can come back and work in the office. He is accepting it.

 

I told him that maybe this was a good idea. Then the issue of where he'll work is in question. His mother doesn't have the internet and he needs internet access to do his work. So I told him just to work from our house because really. He helps pay the mortgage and I work all day, so we got to make use of what we have.

[twosadthings]

The longer you passively react to your circumstances the more "things" will happen to your family.

 

 

You know your husband better than your mother or your brothers or for that matter anyone on this site that has tried to bury him. Do you love him, care about him, know that he loves and cares about you and his family. Do you want a future with him?

 

 

If the answers to all of the questions above are yes then why are you separating you and your children from him? A separation between two people that want to love and be with each other can't be a good thing. Married life is tough enough without a physical distance between a husband and wife.

 

 

I can almost guarantee that if you live long enough that your life together will experience more and deeper trials that you described in your first post. Cling to each other and those future tests will still be hard but sustainable.

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

Twosadthings

[benpom]

The longer you passively react to your circumstances the more "things" will happen to your family.

 

Twosadthings

 

Twosadthings, I agree with many things you pointed out here.

 

OP, are you guys doing a separation because you think it's a good idea or because other people are telling you to do so?

 

Everyone is only speaking from their past experience, including me. But it's your life. You got to do what is right for YOU. From my point of view, separation is not doing any good to you guys right now. People often make two big mistakes in life: 1. being persistent with a bad choice, 2. not letting go of a bad choice. I am afraid right now you guys are sticking with a bad choice, i.e., separation.

[lovemebreakme]

Twosadthings, I agree with many things you pointed out here.

 

OP, are you guys doing a separation because you think it's a good idea or because other people are telling you to do so?

 

Everyone is only speaking from their past experience, including me. But it's your life. You got to do what is right for YOU. From my point of view, separation is not doing any good to you guys right now. People often make two big mistakes in life: 1. being persistent with a bad choice, 2. not letting go of a bad choice. I am afraid right now you guys are sticking with a bad choice, i.e., separation.

 

It's a little bit of both. My mom made it clear from day one she wants me to divorce my husband but she is not the main reason or really a reason why we are separated.

 

I'm feeling really overwhelmed with emotions. My husband and I had a few deep discussions since the assault and we have discovered a lot of things. Our relationship while up until this point hasn't been bad, we recognize there is some serious issues.

 

We are both sexually and emotionally attached to one another. It was apparent even after the emotional abuse on my part that night and the physical abuse on his part. I'm scared that I'm slowly trying rug sweep the issues instead of dealing with them. My husband really wants to work on our marriage and on his own personal issues. Because where we are at now is not healthy.

 

WE are spending a lot of time together but I do believe the time alone in the evenings gives us both time to reflect. I'm hoping sooner than later we can be together full time again, stronger, happier than we are now.

[lovemebreakme]

Do you love him, care about him, know that he loves and cares about you and his family. Do you want a future with him?

 

I love him and care about him more than anyone will ever now. He loves me and is so afraid to losing his family. I want a future with him, but in order to have that, things need to chamge.

 

 

I can almost guarantee that if you live long enough that your life together will experience more and deeper trials that you described in your first post. Cling to each other and those future tests will still be hard but sustainable.

 

There will be deeper trials but the issues we are having now are quite serious and need to be addressed. Don't want to continue living in a relationship with unhealthy communication and anger issues floating around.