Is there anything wrong with our marriage?

[Kate416]

First off... Try not to judge based solely on age - everyone does.

 

I am 28 and I am married to a man who is 41. We have been together for 8 years. We got married 8 months after we met. He always wanted kids and we had them right away. We have 5 kids - ages 1, 2, 4, 6 & 7. He was more ready than I was, he was done school, in a career, financially stable, older. He was really excited to be a dad and was excited to try and get pregnant. He has been supportive through all of my pregnancies and good with our kids.

 

He's really good with our kids, has good relationships with them, takes care of them and spends as much time with them as he can. He does work a lot, so his time with them is limited.

 

Lately he has been wanting to try and get pregnant again. I'm kind of at a breaking point right now, it's just a lot to handle. We agreed to stop at 3 or 4 kids, and space them out more. I'm young, we could take a break for 5 years and be fine to try again. His reasoning is that he doesn't want to have kids after 45.

 

I'm taking a pregnancy test tomorrow, and if it's negative I want to stop trying for a while. He's not happy about that. He has been getting pretty upset with me for wanting to stop or take a break, even though we agreed to less kids than we have. I LOVE my kids and I love being a mom. I'm blessed that I'm able to stay home with them. But there is only so much that I can handle without losing my sanity. I do the brunt of the work, which is okay. He works and I stay home so of course I will do more than he does. He does help when he's home. He doesn't fully understand what it's like to be a SAHM. He has taken time off work to stay with the kids, so he's had a taste.

 

Honestly, I feel stupid for even writing this and accusing him of anything. He has been great to me. When I talk to some people in my life, I get mixed opinions.

 

An issue is how much he is pushing for a 6th baby. More than just wanting another, it seems intense - like I'm suppose to just go along with it. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm just a vessel to give him babies. Like that's my sole purpose in life. But from what I've heard, feeling lost like that is not uncommon in SAHM's... I can take a pregnancy test in the morning and he's very excited about it.

 

When we fight, he says how easy I have it and shouldn't be complaining. How hard he has to work so I can stay home. But he only says that when we're fighting, on regular terms he never says that and knows how hard I work.

 

I guess what other people see as concerns (other than age) would be... There are things that he has been very adamant about, but then again so have I. I don't know, I guess it's the level of his intensity with "no, we're doing it this way". We agree on most decisions, so it's easy. Some people see how "strict" he is with decisions and assume he's controlling, but he's not. We agree on most of the same things, if we don't agree we work it out. If we don't agree and it's not a big deal I just go with it. I don't see the point in fighting over something that doesn't matter in the long run.

 

I don't know if it's normal or not, but his views on sex are traditional. So sex is for the man. We have sex every night and it's focused on him. It's just kind of routine or what's expected. Whenever he wants to, we do. It's not a big deal. He's my only sexual partner so I don't really have anything to compare him to. I've only talked to one person about it, and she said it was weird but she isn't married and sleeps around so her opinion may be a bit skewed there.

 

I didn't finish school because we had our kids and it just got too hard. I have my Bachelors, but didn't get my Masters, and my bachelors is almost useless without the accompanying Masters. I tried but between caring for my young kids, homeschooling the older, I just couldn't do it. He never tried to stop me, but didn't encourage me to do it either. I don't know. He doesn't think there is a point for me to get degrees I won't use.

 

I don't have much contact with my family. My parents have never been supportive of our relationship, even after all these years. They think the age gap is too large and that must mean he is manipulative and abusive. I got tired of the comments and fights and cut off contact. We see them once a year at most. Yet, there is a 9 year age gap between them.

 

His parents are a bit different. In the beginning they didn't like me, because of the age difference. They have come around over the years and we get along well now. We see them regularly and they are involved in the kids lives.

 

We have a lot of friends who have said nothing negative. Then there are a few of mine who have asked some questions or said that the "dynamic" seemed off. I don't know, it just makes me second guess but I feel like it shouldn't.

 

I feel bad even writing this, like I'm betraying the relationship. I'm sure there is nothing wrong.

Edited November 20, 2016 by Kate416

[submart]

Good for you for having the courage to write.

 

It seems like you have some insecurities given your post (about your age gap, betraying your husband by writing LS, etc.).

 

Yes, you did get married very young and after a short time of dating, but we can't change that. I think given the fact you married and had children young, he should encourage you to get your Master's.

 

Instead of homeschooling, the oldest of your children should go to the local public school. I'd lose my sanity if I took care of five kids each and every day. Homeschooling doesn't allow you to focus your individual attention on your other children or give yourself a chance to do other things.

 

In addition, you don't get any respite from your children as your parents aren't supportive of your relationship. Having somebody help you once or twice a week with five young children would help you. Maybe your in-laws can help out?

 

I don't know how you have time/energy for sex everyday with five kids. However, it doesn't even sound enjoyable. Have you brought up your concern that sex is mostly about satisfying just him?

 

Your age difference alone doesn't mean that he is abusive or controlling by any means. There are plenty of healthy/successful age gap relationships out there. However, at 20 you are young and somewhat vulnerable as you didn't have a lot of life experience. Your husband doesn't seem empathetic (i.e. sex, the fact you stay home with five kids, wanting you to get pregnant with baby #6). And that worries me.

 

Why does he want a sixth child? Why not give his love and attention to the five he has? He already had you have more kids that you wanted.

 

Are you on any birth control?

[aileD]

So you met when you were 19 and he was 32.

 

He had you married and pregnant by 21.

 

"he" doesn't want kids past age 45, but what about you?

 

He is selfish in bed....scratch that--he's selfish all around. Doesn't seem to take your feelings into consideration, keeps you at home, isolated you from your family, etc

 

I think what's happened here is that you have a man/child dynamic here that has continued as you got older. He's the authority figure in your relationship. You can pretend that you have a choice and you talk things out but do you really? You don't want another baby now but you're taking a pregnancy test which means you didn't really get a say. Why are you here then?

 

I think that your parents are right. And I think that any time family objects to a relationship and complains you aren't treated well, there is usually truth there. Your parents want the best for you, that's why they have a problem with him.

 

Does t mean your marriage is horrible? No. but unless you want to wake up someday with an old man next to you and thinking "i wasted all the good years of my life doing good what he wanted to do".

 

I think you need to see a therapist and learn how to take a stand for you in your marriage. The only problem though.....is that I think he would leave you if you do. Why? Because that was probably some of the allure of scoring a 19 year old. He's not going to like when you start to get a voice

[elaine567]

He wanted a young, naive virgin that he could turn into a brood mare and he got one.

 

You are in a very vulnerable position.

You are now a SAHM with a limited education, who has lost most of her youth to raising FIVE kids, with a husband who now wants to tie you down to baby 6. 7, 8, 9, 10, when does it stop?... At this rate you will eventually be teaching more kids at home than the local school...

 

He is using/abusing you, but it is all OK with you as it is "no big deal"...

 

People tend to "judge" relationships like this because they know the dynamic is very often unhealthy and you are doing nothing here to dissuade them that they are wrong.

 

To answer your question, there is plenty wrong with your marriage.

[Popsicle]

If you don't want to put your kids in daycare or can't afford it, then there is no need for you to even go down this path of thinking negatively about your husband. Your current kids are still little and need you so what's the point of hating your husband, who you desperately need right now? You can't go anywhere. Get your tubes tied and tell him no to more babies if you don't want any more. Eventually he'll get over it and realize that you are trapped anyway. (and so is he)

[oldshirt]

your choice here is whether you will be your own person and live your own life or whether you will continue to be his concubine and baby factory. It's that simple.

[stillafool]

I agree with Popsicle, get your tubes tied after you have the 6th child. I would say do it now but I have a feeling you will go through with the 6th pregnancy. At this point I don't see how you can work because your kids need you and it is less expensive for you to take care of the kids than hire someone to do it while you work. The age difference was a big deal when you were 19 but now that you have all of these kids and a life together; not so much.

[elaine567]

Eventually he'll get over it and realize that you are trapped anyway. (and so is he)

 

Not necessarily.

If he is rich or makes a decent salary, he can walk away tomorrow and pay any alimony that is due and leave the OP to raise all those kids on her own.

[oldshirt]

First off... Try not to judge based solely on age - everyone does.

 

 

Since you lead off with asking people not to judge based on your age, that means that your friends and family had already warned you about this ad nauseam and you chose to ignore them and now you are in the exact position that they tried to warn you about.

 

So I am not going to judge but rather I am going to replay the facts and point out where everything came to fruition.

 

When a 33 year old man hits on a 19 year old girl, the girl is flattered and charmed that this educated, employed, adult man is taking an interest in her and is making her all of these promises and is saying he is going to support her and take care of her and protect her etc etc etc.

 

She thinks the reason he is offering her all of these things is because she is prettier and cuter and firmer and nicer and sexier than all of the adult women out there.

 

There are a number of actual reasons that are really why he is coming on to her.

 

The first and foremost is that the adult women who have been out in the world and know how people are and what happens to young, naïve, trusting girls, can see these men for what they really are and know that they are a piece of crap and won't give them the time of day. In other words, mature, educated, experienced women that know what goes on in the world would not have him.

 

The other reason is that he knows that no adult, sophisticated woman would put up with his crap and he knew that he had to find a young, naïve, immature girl that didn't have any of her own resources and life yet and who would be gullible enough that he could charm and control into being his sex slave and baby factory.

 

And the other related reasons are once you are married to him and knocked up with his children and dependent on him, he can control all the shots and can control and manipulate you as he pleases.

 

This is why older men pursue young women. It's about power, control and manipulation. It has nothing to do with being prettier and sexier and nicer.

 

Now that you are 28 years old and have a litter of mouths to feed, now you are starting to see the light that he is a rat. Now you can spot other rats.

 

Now you are one of the 28 year old woman that can spot a 30-something rat that hits on 19 year olds.

 

Unfortunately you have paid a very hefty price for that education, but please use that wisdom and experience and knowledge to warn other girls about these predators.

[Popsicle]

Not necessarily.

If he is rich or makes a decent salary, he can walk away tomorrow and pay any alimony that is due and leave the OP to raise all those kids on her own.

 

Alimony has nothing to do with child support or child custody. You'd be surprised how many fathers want to see their kids more after they get hit with a heafty child support bill.

[BaileyB]

It seems that he gets everything he wants in life, doesn't it. I'm very sorry, but your husband sounds like a very selfish man and it definitely sounds like you have a parent/child dynamic in your relationship.

 

I would not be ok with sex being only for the man. I would not be ok with him making most of the decisions. And I would definitely not be ok with him getting me pregnant every year for the foreseeable future... Choosing to have a baby is a negotiation, a decision made by both partners when both decide they want to have a child.

 

What you have described sound like he is not very considerate of your wishes in any aspect of your life together. It would make me very, very unhappy to be in this kind of marriage.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Not necessarily.

If he is rich or makes a decent salary, he can walk away tomorrow and pay any alimony that is due and leave the OP to raise all those kids on her own.

 

And he will pay a boatload in child support... please don't make sexist comments like that. You are insinuating that the husband can just walk with no responsibility and that is just beyond false.

 

Anyway, back to your point, I don't understand how anyone would want to have that many kids.

 

I have 1, and that's enough. It's certainly within your right to tell the husband you are done, and he can take it or leave it. Get an IUD, get on the Pill, whatever you need to do. An IUD is probably the best route because it does not turn women into emotional wrecks like the pill does

[BaileyB]

And he will pay a boatload in child support... please don't make sexist comments like that.

 

An IUD is probably the best route because it does not turn women into emotional wrecks like the pill does

 

This is a totally aside, but I just had to say it...

 

Yeah, and that's not a sexist comment? Please don't make sexist comments like that... Not all women who take the pill become "emotional wrecks"...

[JoeSmith357-1]

He wanted a young, naive virgin that he could turn into a brood mare and he got one.

 

You are in a very vulnerable position.

You are now a SAHM with a limited education, who has lost most of her youth to raising FIVE kids, with a husband who now wants to tie you down to baby 6. 7, 8, 9, 10, when does it stop?... At this rate you will eventually be teaching more kids at home than the local school...

 

He is using/abusing you, but it is all OK with you as it is "no big deal"...

 

People tend to "judge" relationships like this because they know the dynamic is very often unhealthy and you are doing nothing here to dissuade them that they are wrong.

 

To answer your question, there is plenty wrong with your marriage.

 

I think this post is pretty judgmental. She was an adult and made her decisions all along the way, I think it's kind of bad taste to say she was taken advantage of.

 

I'm 40, I am from the generation that our parents had kids super early and had several of them. My mom had me at 19, married at 18, pretty much got pregnant immediately. So it's not unheard of, even in modern times.

[olivetree]

I think this post is pretty judgmental. She was an adult and made her decisions all along the way, I think it's kind of bad taste to say she was taken advantage of.

 

I'm 40, I am from the generation that our parents had kids super early and had several of them. My mom had me at 19, married at 18, pretty much got pregnant immediately. So it's not unheard of, even in modern times.

 

You can't compare two situations that differ in a lot of ways. In the context of the OP, it is likely she was taken advantage of. It seems like her husband is using her for sex and babies and is keeping her opressed so she feels like she cannot leave. Even if his motivations were not sinister, this is still a vary unsatisfying marriage in which she has no say. Everything is about him. There is something very wrong with that. And a person that treats his/her partner like that is not a good person.

 

OP, there is a reason that your family and strangers on the internet think that your relationship is abusive. You wrote here so you know something is not right.

 

I think he might want to keep you pumping out children so that you will feel even more trapped. Except, you do have options.

 

Regardless of whether you decide to stay together or divorce, you need to put your foot down in your marriage. It is your body and you have the right to choose what to do with it. This includes not having sex when you don't feel like it and not having more children. Get some birth control going.

[BaileyB]

 

Regardless, you need to put your foot down in your marriage. It is your body and you have the right to choose what to do with it. This includes not having sex when you don't feel like it and not having more children.

 

Quoted for truth! And if you husband tells you otherwise or doesn't support you in having your own opinion/decision... That is a problem!

[Kate416]

Hopefully this is clear on concise. I've had to write it in chunks and I'm tired. I should be in bed but I'm doing this...

 

Yes, you did get married very young and after a short time of dating, but we can't change that. I think given the fact you married and had children young, he should encourage you to get your Master's.

 

At the time when we got married, it didn't feel too fast. He was a picture perfect man. It wasn't until a couple years into the marriage, when he wanted to try for our second baby, that it felt like we were moving too fast. I mean, it doesn't matter now. I can't go back in time and change it, and we've been married for 8 years.

 

Instead of homeschooling, the oldest of your children should go to the local public school. I'd lose my sanity if I took care of five kids each and every day. Homeschooling doesn't allow you to focus your individual attention on your other children or give yourself a chance to do other things.

My husband doesn't want our kids in the public school system. He doesn't believe that it works. He - and his siblings - went through private school. We have the money to send them, but it's very expensive. I have brought up sending our oldest 3 to the private school that he likes. He said it's a waste of money if I'm home with the younger babies anyway. Which is true. He wants to wait until grade 7 to start our kids in the school system. We have the resources to home school successfully and they enjoy it but it's a lot on my plate. It's really important to my husband though. I have thought about saying we can't have more unless our daughters go into school, but I don't want to do ultimatums like that.

 

In addition, you don't get any respite from your children as your parents aren't supportive of your relationship. Having somebody help you once or twice a week with five young children would help you. Maybe your in-laws can help out?

My in-laws are involved in the kids lives and do help when they can. They sometimes pick up my two oldest girls and take them for the afternoon. Maybe 2-3 times a month. We do a date night once a month, and have a nanny and my MIL come over so we can go out. My husband works a lot, by the time he's home I'm too tired to go anywhere. The days he has off are spent as a family, generally.

 

I don't know how you have time/energy for sex everyday with five kids. However, it doesn't even sound enjoyable. Have you brought up your concern that sex is mostly about satisfying just him?

I mean, sex is just what you do. It's part of the marriage. Even if I'm tired there are things that I have to do, everyone does. I'd be more tired if our marriage crumbled and I was caring for my kids alone. It's just to reconnect us as a couple at the end of the day and release his stress. In the beginning of our relationship I did talk to him about trying different things. He was fine with it, but said I wouldn't actually like it. He was right, the things "geared towards me" were just uncomfortable and awkward. Most women don't like that stuff anyway.

 

He always liked that I was a virgin, he definitely wasn't one. He respected that I didn't sleep around and wasn't "tainted" by "slutty" ideas, as he called them. The sex is for him, it's just something that I do for him since it was never good for me. It's routine. That moment is for him so we do whatever he wants. TMI, he likes when I do oral for him after sex. So I do that for as long as he wants, when he's happy I go to bed since my youngest two still wake up in the middle of the night. If he wants more he'll wake me up, since we can only do it at night.

 

Why does he want a sixth child? Why not give his love and attention to the five he has? He already had you have more kids that you wanted.

He wants another baby because he loves kids and wants a big family. It's hard now, but when they are older it will be really enjoyable and worth the struggle. He wants another boy, as well. We only have one boy and he wants his last name to continue on. Out of his siblings children, there is only one boy. He also finds pregnant women sexy and has always loved when I'm pregnant. He even makes comments about how beautiful other women are when we see them while out, if they are pregnant. I honestly think he is more attracted to me when I'm pregnant than when I'm not. I don't know why, it makes me feel like a whale and has reeked havoc on my abdomen.

 

Are you on any birth control?

I'm not on birth control. He wants another so that wouldn't go over well obviously. I haven't been on birth control since we got married. I have always gotten pregnant when my body was ready, it always took a while. Breastfeeding impacted it I think. I have thought about having an IUD put in after my last baby was born, but that would be dishonest and I can't do that.

 

"he" doesn't want kids past age 45, but what about you?

 

I mean, for him there is a time limit. For me that time limit is farther off. So I don't know how to make it work. For me, we could take a long break and it would be fine. For him, he only has a few years left in his mind. He's adamant about no more kids after 45. So he views it as he only has 4 more years to have more kids. So do I just go along with it for his sake? Stand my ground and change my mind when it's too late?

 

I'd rather my children have another sibling than divorced parents. If it came down to that...

 

He is selfish in bed....scratch that--he's selfish all around. Doesn't seem to take your feelings into consideration, keeps you at home, isolated you from your family, etc

He's not selfish in bed, it's just for him. We tried other things in the beginning but I didn't like it/it didn't do anything for me. He didn't think I was the type of person to like other stuff and he was right.

 

He just really knows what he wants and is confident in those choices. Sometimes he could take me opinions more into consideration but he just knows what he wants or what is best. If it's not life or death, it's not worth the fight. For example, 3 of my babies were born at home. It wasn't my idea and I was hesitant about it. In the end it was fine and my babies were born safely. My first two babies were non-medicated hospital births. He was against paid meds because of the risks and when I requested them he talked me out of it. In the moment I thought I needed them but I really didn't. He just pushed my through it.

 

He doesn't really keep me home, and I'm the one that cut contact with my family. The kids and I get out often and he has never told me not to go out. Obviously everything I do is kid-oriented.

 

I think what's happened here is that you have a man/child dynamic here that has continued as you got older. He's the authority figure in your relationship. You can pretend that you have a choice and you talk things out but do you really? You don't want another baby now but you're taking a pregnancy test which means you didn't really get a say. Why are you here then?

He is the authority figure, but I think it's more based on our personalities. Even with the kids, he's not mean at all but he's firm with them. I'm more on the gentle side. I don't know... I mean I do listen to pretty much whatever he says. It's just easier than a fight.

 

He wins almost all decisions. Whether they are big like a new child or small like dinner. It has always been that way. We don't fight about things it's just what he says goes. He's the man, men make decisions.

 

I wanted our 4th baby to be our last. I told my husband that I wanted to get an IUD after he was born and he was not okay with that. He didn't want to swear off more kids like that, said it meant I didn't trust him, that if we're going to use a barrier we shouldn't have sex at all. I couldn't just get one without him knowing because he'd figure it out. He'd see in on a bill or bank statement, and I wouldn't get pregnant. When I say that I don't want more he pulls away and gets distant.

 

The test that I took today was + and I cannot do it again. I love my kids, I do. But sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I'm touched out, mentally and physically exhausted. Each pregnancy has gotten worse and worse. I have thought about abortion, honestly. Three things run through my mind. 1) I think of my kids, and it's one of them. 2) It's my fault I'm pregnant again. 3) I don't want my husband to find out.

 

We signed a marriage contract/prenup before we married. Some of what was agreed to makes leaving difficult. When I signed it I didn't see my life turning out this way. I was in university, he was pushing me to finish. I would have gone into a great job, my parents were going to give me their home and cottage since they were retiring and moving. My husbands parents are very wealthy, he is a high earner as well. We agreed to leave the marriage with our original assets. With the way life turned out, I'd leave without a penny to my name.

 

Money is controlled by my husband. We don't have a joint account. He transfers money into an account that I can use, which covers groceries, activities, that type of thing. He would have to pay child support, and maybe spousal support. We did make an agreement on spousal support in our marriage contract, but whether it was legal is up in the air. Where it was signed and where we married it was legal.

 

I don't think I could leave him anywhere in the near future. We have young kids who need us together. Daycare in this area is $2200-2600/month per child. It would be more expensive to work than stay home with them. I'd be walking away without a penny or possession to my name. He would have to pay a hefty child support payment.

 

I make excuses for him left and right... But I'm stuck, for at least another 5 years and my babies are all school-age.

[Kate416]

That was stupid, long and pointless. Long story short - I'm stuck and there is nothing I can do about it. I dug the hole way too deep to ever dream of climbing out.

[aileD]

I just want to give you a hug.

 

I feel the defeat in your words. He controls you and he put you in a position where you feel that you can't fight it.

 

But you can. You don't have to be his property anymore.

 

Sex is not just for a man, and I'm so sad that this is what you learned is normal.

 

I want you to know it's not normal at all. What he does and how he treats you is not healthy at all. He saw a young virgin, inexperienced and sweet and made you into what he wanted and then he isolated you financially and from your family and tied you down with kid after kid. I didn't even have to ask if homeschooling was his idea, I could already tell. He's tied you down..he should have let you blossom into what you wanted to blossom into not what fits his needs.

 

I think you know that....and are starting to see it.

 

What you can do right now, is start stashing some cash away. Take a little bit of cash from your "allowance" each week and hide it away. So if you ever need to leave, you aren't trapped with no money.

 

The next thing you can do is reconnect with your parents. They love you and their reasons were sound. They just want you to be ok. You don't have to tell them right now how you feel but reestablish that bond so you have trusted family around you if you leave.

 

I'll end here and say again I wish I could give you a big hug. You're so defeated and I want you to know you are worth more than all this. You are loved

[BaileyB]

I too want to give you a hug because you have few options and you sound resigned.

 

I'm very sorry to say this Kate, but your husband sounds like an ignorant, entitled, controlling man. Reading your post, I could not help but notice how many times you said "my husband wants..." You have surrendered complete control over to your husband, and he has abused it.

 

Your body is your body... If you do not want to have a child, it doesn't matter what your husband wants... It is your body. The fact that he has a fetish such that he is more attracted to you, and this wants to keep you pregnant, is repulsive. The fact that he chose that you should have a home birth when you were not in agreement, is repulsive. The fact that he chose for you to home school your kids when you want them to attend school and ease your stress, is repulsive.

 

You may not see it this way, but the fact that he has taken away your options, that he does not consider your wishes in making decisions about your physical and emotional health, and that he controls your finances and your ability to have a life of your own - what he has done to you is abusive.

 

And, let me just say that sex is not for the man. Women can, and definitely do, love doing many different things that bring them pleasure. The fact that he likes when you give him oral after sex and you do it every night - selfish, arrogant, entitled man... Let's just say, there is not a hope that he would ever be getting oral from me if he cared so little about my feelings or my pleasure.

 

Little changes, if you don't feel that you have it within you to take your kids and leave the relationship... Start by taking back your own power and making little changes. It may just improve your quality of life and bring you back some much needed self worth and self confidence.

Edited November 21, 2016 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

I've always preferred older men because I have an old soul. I never had much in common with people my age. However, I have also experienced the dark side of choosing older partners which your marriages illustrates perfectly.

 

You were swept off your feet because you met an older man who seemed so mature and worldly. Unfortunately, all he wanted was a young dolly to mold and control into a scared little wifey who did everything he told her. Now you are trapped with several children and you're being manipulated by a selfish and controlling man.

 

Your current disagreement about having another child is merely a symbol of how imbalanced your relationship is. Your husband is not your partner-he is your jailer to wants to dictate every aspect of your life. Whatever he says goes? That sounds like a father/daughter relationship and not a marriage. I am in a traditional marriage with a man 8 years my senior and he does not treat me like my feelings and opinions are not important. Though I am a submissive wife, I am not a doormat who has absolutely no power in our marriage.

 

I feel sad for you because you never had a chance to be an independent young woman due to your marriage. Your family was right to have reservations because they could see how domineering your husband was. Now that you've cut them off, you have made yourself even more vulnerable to your husband. There's nothing wrong with wanting a large family but a couple should be in complete agreement. The fact that your husband doesn't care how difficult your pregnancies were is yet another red flag.

[BaileyB]

Rereading your post, you really should consult a lawyer about the prenup. If you left, he would owe a ton of child support and spousal support. You may have more options than you think.

 

Do NOT take your husbands word on anything... He has clearly demonstrated that he will say and do anything to manipulate the situation such that things are exactly as he would like them to be. Be wise to that, he has his best interest at heart - not your best interest or your children.

 

And, please don't stay for the children. They are resilient and they would be fine if you left. I dare say, they will have more respect for their mother if you chose to take a stand for her own health and wellbeing than if you stay in an abusive relationship that incidiously steels your self worth, your confidence, and makes you dependent on serving a man who treats you as little more than a possession. I'm not telling you to leave, because I know it will be hard. But, staying for the sake the children just may be harder... Don't do it with some misguided belief that your children will be better off for living with and learning from a man who has such little respect and affection for his wife.

[BettyDraper]

Kate, are you in the Toronto area? If so, PM me because I'm aware of many helpful resources.

 

I have been in your position except I wasn't married and I didn't have kids....I was with an abusive older man when I was much younger.

[Kate416]

It makes me feel like a terrible person because I start thinking about abortion or miscarriage for a baby that I allowed to be created. I've had miscarriages and they were devastating. Yet now some deep part of me thinks it would be best and at least I wouldn't have to make the decision.

 

I can't be 28, divorced, unemployed, uneducated, with 5-6 kids... These days most women my age don't even have kids. I'll be judged non-stop. I don't want the "I told you so's" or to be told I was stupid for getting myself into this in the first place. I don't want to admit to people how stupid I was to allow this to happen.

 

The marriage contract that we signed was legally binding. My husband is a lawyer, he knew a lot more about what was in it than I did. We had it signed by separate lawyers. It doesn't absolve him from child support, but does give him everything we own. Spousal support could be absolved as well, depending on the legality of it. It was signed in the US and we married in the US, that that state it is/was legal to waive spousal support. That's something I'd have to talk to a lawyer about. Doing that terrifies me. My husband is a lawyer and he comes from a family of lawyers and a judge. I don't want it to get back to him or have him work around the system. The kids trust funds cannot be touched, as they were set up by my in-laws.

 

When I had my second daughter, the hospital staff sent a social worker to talk to me and made my husband leave the room. After that my babies were born at home. It took me so long to see it. Every appointment, even lactation consultant appointments, he would come. He said he was being supportive, and for a long time I believed it. But he was keeping me in his sight at all times so I wouldn't say something I shouldn't.

 

Once he closes that bedroom door he makes me feel like a prostitute in my own home.

 

He's never laid a hand on me or our kids. I get told over and over how good of a dad he is, how lucky I am, how privileged I am to have married into money and able to stay home. How lucky our kids are to be born into money. How privileged our kids will be. How great of a guy he is.

 

I'm sitting next to the man I married. Writing these things about him and he has no idea. I feel like I'm betraying him and our marriage, but he has been betraying me for years. He vowed to honour, respect and cherish me but he has done the opposite. He knows how to work his way into any situation and take control of it. He can twist information and make you believe it without you even knowing.

[Leigh 87]

He wanted a young, naive virgin that he could turn into a brood mare and he got one.

 

You are in a very vulnerable position.

You are now a SAHM with a limited education, who has lost most of her youth to raising FIVE kids, with a husband who now wants to tie you down to baby 6. 7, 8, 9, 10, when does it stop?... At this rate you will eventually be teaching more kids at home than the local school...

 

He is using/abusing you, but it is all OK with you as it is "no big deal"...

 

People tend to "judge" relationships like this because they know the dynamic is very often unhealthy and you are doing nothing here to dissuade them that they are wrong.

 

To answer your question, there is plenty wrong with your marriage.

 

 

 

 

There is PLENTY wrong with a 30 year old man going after a 19 year old. Vomit.