Is there anything wrong with our marriage?

[BetheButterfly]

It makes me feel like a terrible person because I start thinking about abortion or miscarriage for a baby that I allowed to be created. I've had miscarriages and they were devastating. Yet now some deep part of me thinks it would be best and at least I wouldn't have to make the decision.

 

Oh Kate. I am so sorry!!! :( I'm crying, cause pregnancy should be good news, but I understand why pregnancy is not good news to you right now. I'm so sorry. Please please don't abort the baby. It's not the baby's fault.

 

I can't be 28, divorced, unemployed, uneducated, with 5-6 kids... These days most women my age don't even have kids. I'll be judged non-stop. I don't want the "I told you so's" or to be told I was stupid for getting myself into this in the first place. I don't want to admit to people how stupid I was to allow this to happen.

 

Katie, you are a wonderful woman. Do not beat yourself up. Being a Mom is a noble profession that many people don't appreciate or value, but good Moms make the world go around. When my Mom was your age, she was a Mom and a Homemaker ; she didn't work outside the home, but boy she worked 24/7 in the home! She dropped out of college when she was pregnant with me. (I made her morning sick, though I was not aware at the time and didn't do that on purpose, of course.)

 

The marriage contract that we signed was legally binding. My husband is a lawyer, he knew a lot more about what was in it than I did. We had it signed by separate lawyers. It doesn't absolve him from child support, but does give him everything we own. Spousal support could be absolved as well, depending on the legality of it. It was signed in the US and we married in the US, that that state it is/was legal to waive spousal support. That's something I'd have to talk to a lawyer about. Doing that terrifies me. My husband is a lawyer and he comes from a family of lawyers and a judge. I don't want it to get back to him or have him work around the system. The kids trust funds cannot be touched, as they were set up by my in-laws.

 

Could you ask your parents for advice? I understand reading the first post that you don't have a strong relationship with them, but maybe they just protested your marriage cause they love you and want the best for you? Could you please talk with your Mom about it, and see if they will help you escape? I know that might hurt your pride, but your wellbeing is worth seeing if your parents will help you. I hope they do!!!

 

When I had my second daughter, the hospital staff sent a social worker to talk to me and made my husband leave the room. After that my babies were born at home. It took me so long to see it. Every appointment, even lactation consultant appointments, he would come. He said he was being supportive, and for a long time I believed it. But he was keeping me in his sight at all times so I wouldn't say something I shouldn't.

 

 

 

Once he closes that bedroom door he makes me feel like a prostitute in my own home.

 

Katie, I'm so sorry.

 

He's never laid a hand on me or our kids. I get told over and over how good of a dad he is, how lucky I am, how privileged I am to have married into money and able to stay home. How lucky our kids are to be born into money. How privileged our kids will be. How great of a guy he is.

 

Does he tell you that?

I'm sitting next to the man I married. Writing these things about him and he has no idea. I feel like I'm betraying him and our marriage, but he has been betraying me for years. He vowed to honour, respect and cherish me but he has done the opposite. He knows how to work his way into any situation and take control of it. He can twist information and make you believe it without you even knowing.

 

Would he see a marriage therapist with you? Or let you see a marriage therapist?

[RecentChange]

If he didn't have a violent reaction to her shouldn't you guys be giving him the benefit of the doubt that things can change?.

 

Given the absolute disaster situation you are in, also pregnant with a despicable abusive man, who you make excuses for - I implore Katie not to consider your advice. You have not yet been able to comprehend your series of bad choices - and do not understand how terrible this advice is.

[BaileyB]

If he didn't have a violent reaction to her shouldn't you guys be giving him the benefit of the doubt that things can change? She said no for probably the first time in the marriage. Almost decade of her being so submissive that he has always gotten his way. She mentioned that his family is wealthy, he probably grew up entitled and with everything he wanted. If they have never tried to work it out, I would think that should be tried before divorce. You can't expect change to magically happen overnight.

 

Obviously his reaction whenever he went home would be important, and how he handles being declined in the future. He didn't know how to deal with it but maybe he can, and would, learn.

 

With all due respect, I think this is terrible advice.

 

This man is very abusive in how he isolates and treats his wife. No doubt, he is wealthy and entitled, and he is used to getting what he wants. But, make no mistake about it - his behavior toward his wife is abusive and I doubt he would be motivated to change (given the story about the social workers at the hospital - his response was a classic response from an abuser - to further isolate the woman). In fact, based on what has been described, he manipulates and shuts down any discussion when Kate voices an opinion different than his own (as per the pregnancies, the home births, the homeschooling). This is not a man who negotiates. He has now shown that there is a risk of violence, I doubt that he will handle the changing dynamic in the relationship well. There is definitely a concern for Kate's safety.

[BettyDraper]

I am going to scream if one more person tells the OP to give her husband a chance. Stop!! Just stop this nonsense! :mad:

 

The longer she stays with this abuser, the more she will hate herself and continue to be treated like a broodmare.

 

It's 2016 and not 1925!

[BaileyB]

You chose the behavior, you chose the consequences.

 

If he had been a healthy, supportive, kind and caring husband, no doubt the marriage would bring both partners joy, partnership, love and affection, children... all the wonderful things that come from a healthy marriage.

 

But, when he chose to isolate his wife, to value her physical and emotional health less than his own, to treat her as nothing more than a body to fulfill his sexual needs and bring his children into the world, and then to tell her that she should be grateful and deserves nothing more... Any man who can be so entitled and so selfish, who treats another human being with such disrespect - she owes this man nothing! Absolutely nothing!

 

It was his choice to treat his wife poorly. Every person has the right to be treated with kindness and respect. Every person has the right to feel safe and secure in their own home. Every person should have the ability to make decisions - about their own body, about their work, about the way they chose to live their life. No one, not even a husband, has the right to take away these things from another person. It would be only fair for him to get what he deserves. You chose the behavior, you chose the consequences...

 

When you have time, please tell us how you are doing today Kate.

Edited November 22, 2016 by BaileyB

[VeveCakes]

OP there are lots of options for help. Ontario has amazing resources for women in need in these situations.

 

Once you explain your situation, no judge will honor your pre nup. Its a clever and calculated plan he devised which will leave you in the exact position you are in now. Many lawyers in Toronto can help you. Get looking.

 

This is %100 abuse and it is a dangerous kind. He has not been violent because you have behaved. Once the OP starts to make waves she is in danger.

[BettyDraper]

Kate, posting this thread and saying no to your husband shows that you are taking baby steps toward freedom and independence. Good for you. Changing your whole life is scary so I understand why you are terrified. Years of abuse will leave you with no self esteem.

 

I'll share my story with you: I grew up in an affluent yet abusive home. My mother was extremely cruel to me and my father was too afraid of her to do anything until I became severely depressed. By that time, it was too late to make any real difference. My mother would change for about two weeks and then revert back to verbal and physical abuse. I got into a relationship with a man 15 years my senior in order to escape my parents. Unfortunately, he was extremely domineering as well. He wanted a sex slave who did everything around the house, never voiced an opinion and had babies. He enjoyed intimidating me by screaming, making threats and sexual coercion.

 

I was seeing a therapist who told me that I would never heal if I stayed in that terrible environment and nightmarish relationship. I went into a hostel for abused women and eventually found a room to rent. I won't lie-my life was very hard because I was impoverished but at least I was safe. I found confidence in learning how to be independent.

 

Kate, you and I are very blessed to be living in Canada where there are so many socialist programs. Being in Toronto gives you access to even more services that women in rural areas do not have. I beg you to please use the resources you have at your fingertips. I understand how scared you are my dear. However, you are the only person who can end this nightmare. I wanted to send you a PM but that's not an option until you post more often on LS.

[BaileyB]

It must be absolutely terrifying to think about leaving. But, you are starting to think about a life that is better than what you have lived these last few years, and that is a good thing. When you look ahead, can you imagine staying and spending the next 10 years with this man, knowing what you know now. Can you imagine how many more children he will want to have, how much more stress you will feel raising your family, how much more trapped you will be with him, and how much more sad and afraid you will feel...

 

It must be terrifying to contemplate, and it will no doubt be very, very difficulty to do... but you are very lucky to live in Canada where there is a lot of support and social services for women who need assistance. If you are able, explore your options... in this day and age, even if you are unable to leave your house with your children, there are crisis counselling lines, video messaging... there are people who would be very willing to help you and ways to find the support you need. There are people who would be able to tell you how to leave the marriage safely - what to put into place before you leave.

 

You say that he is kind to your children. But, he is not kind to you. And, by being unkind to the mother of his children, he is being unkind to your children. What are they learning about men and relationships by watching the unhealthy dynamic in your home? You may think that they don't understand the dysfunction in your relationship and in your home, but children are observant and they are wise... as they get older, they will understand and it will change who they are and the kind of relationships they will have with their spouses. It may be hard to leave the relationship, but would it not be harder for you and your children to stay in an unhappy and unhealthy home...

 

There is help for you. Your parents. Perhaps a friend. Social services. There is no shame in asking for assistance. People want to help you - I hope you have the strength and courage to seek assistance and dream of a better life for you, and your children.

[Kate416]

BetheButterfly: I know a few couples who struggle with infertility, and I have become use to the comments and judgement - whether intentional or not. Couples who are trying to adopt see bad situations everywhere, most of what is presented to them is a bad situation or adoption wouldn't be needed. Then they start to judge, unintentionally I'm sure, other parents if there is a remote similarity. I've heard it all... "I want a baby so badly and this person gets pregnant at the drop of a hat", "I would do anything for a baby and this person doesn't see the gift she has", "this person is selfish for hoarding kids", "I would give everything for a child and be such an amazing mother, while this person just keeps popping them out and doesn't care", "she is selfish for thinking of abortion when I so many women would love to be in her spot". Or maybe I'm so use to being judged that I assume judgement everywhere. If that is the case I apologize for taking offense. One thing I cannot handle is being told, or hinted at, that I'm not a good parent.

 

My kids are happy. They are healthy. They are loved. Cherished. Every second of my day is dedicated to them. Every ounce of energy I have is given to them. None of my children are treated better or worse than another. None of them are loved or wanted any less than another. Your heart doesn't have a limit to how much love there is to give out, it just keeps growing.

 

Of course my time has to be split between them. After your first child your time will always be split. None of my children are ever ignored. My children are raised to engage with each other. There is nothing that my 7 year old does that my 15 month old can't do. Their skill sets are different, sure, but their opportunities are the same.

 

My kids have always had all of the tools to be successful available to them. My life isn't all dishes, laundry, picking up toys, diapers, fights. They have never been taught to share in the traditional sense (you get it for x more minutes, okay it's her turn). Yet at 2 years old each of my girls were willingly and happily sharing without ever being told. All of my kids, even my 15 month old, know that after meals their dishes go in the dishwasher. If they spill something, they clean it up without hesitation. My youngest two love to help with laundry, obviously not having access to detergent, and load and unload alone. This morning my 2 year old dumped dog food on the floor, and without being asked or told got out his broom set, swept it up and then vacuumed. Every day my older girls help with meals and love it. They have been in the kitchen since they were 12 months old. At 2 they were chopping food and at 3 cooking. Kids can do amazing things if you just give them the tools. Our home functions smoothly because they have never been held back. Because of that, my time is spent truly with them.

 

It's chaotic, yes. I am giving myself fully to my babies. I spend every minute with them, engaging with them, teaching them, loving them. There are bad days, or weeks, when things just aren't going well. We get things back on track and move on.

 

And, for the record, none of my kids are in diapers. Each one has been fully out of diapers by 18-24 months. My son is 15 months and almost fully trained. I will be honest, I have taken offense to being asked if I let my kids soil themselves because I'm too lazy to deal with it. My children have never been forced to soil themselves and have been given the opportunity to use the toilet from birth.

[Kate416]

My husband grew up in a wealthy home, to parents who thought money buys happiness and raises succesful adults. They thought if they put him and his siblings in private school there end of parenting was done. His mother did everything for him, his siblings, his father. It is not the words she used, but she has basically said she loved being their housemaid/servant. She still does. No doubt, that is where my husband flourished from. I do have to say, his siblings are not comparible to him that I can tell. He was the baby of the family and I know he was babied even more.

 

He didn't come home last night. I thought maybe he would have stayed downstairs but the alarm wasn't disarmed after he left. We haven't talked at all today, usually he sends a few texts. He really doesn't spend much time at home, but it feels so peaceful not having him here last night. It's just easier. I don't even know what to say to him when he does come home, and I know he will tonight. I keep trying to come up with excuses in my head for saying no. I shouldn't need an excuse though...

 

I want to start looking into leaving and what that will entail. Finding the time to do that is hard but I have to find it. I wish I could just get up and go, right now. I don't feel ready to do that... I need a plan, and to know exactly what will happen, and know where I will go. Leaving feels more scary than staying...

 

I have asked him to do marriage counseling in the past and he wouldn't. He said they just keep bringing you back to make money. Which I mean, yeah, that's how they make money but we aren't functional. I wish he would have tried... but if he were the person to try we wouldn't be in this position anyway. It's hard because it's not all horrible. We've had good times, some of my best memories are with him. He's still my husband, he's still my babies father, he's had his moments. I wish it were easier...

[BaileyB]

Kate, no one is suggesting that you are not a wonderful mother. It sounds like you are raising your children well, and that is a testament to your strength and a blessing to your children.

Edited November 22, 2016 by BaileyB

[eightytwenty]

Kate... HUGS!!!

 

 

You are strong, and believe it or not, stronger than you think... You need to have a plan before you start these waves that might make your husband go a bit crazy...

 

 

First, you need to call your parents. Deep down you know they were right, and when I divorced my husband the worse I wanted to hear was the " I told you so". It never came. I really believe if you talked to your parents, let them know what you are going through... they'll emotionally start helping you.

 

 

Second, get some money together. Bank box cash, maybe get it in one of your parents name. bury the cash so it's not recorded... seriously... If you have a bank account in your name he can get that if the prenup is wrote correctly.

 

 

Third, after you have money, your parents backing you, get the hell out of dodge. Your husband sounds like a controlling jerk that makes you pregnant for his enjoyment. Your husband doesn't care about your mental health, well being, actually he cares enough about you to keep you under his control. His words are law, and that isn't how the world works anymore. Think this through. I wouldn't stay, but get yourself in order so if/when you decide to leave, you have money and family to get you through it.

 

 

This guy scares me, and I'm not even with him. Good luck and keep us posted. We are with ya here!

[BettyDraper]

My husband grew up in a wealthy home, to parents who thought money buys happiness and raises succesful adults. They thought if they put him and his siblings in private school there end of parenting was done. His mother did everything for him, his siblings, his father. It is not the words she used, but she has basically said she loved being their housemaid/servant. She still does. No doubt, that is where my husband flourished from. I do have to say, his siblings are not comparible to him that I can tell. He was the baby of the family and I know he was babied even more.

 

He didn't come home last night. I thought maybe he would have stayed downstairs but the alarm wasn't disarmed after he left. We haven't talked at all today, usually he sends a few texts. He really doesn't spend much time at home, but it feels so peaceful not having him here last night. It's just easier. I don't even know what to say to him when he does come home, and I know he will tonight. I keep trying to come up with excuses in my head for saying no. I shouldn't need an excuse though...

 

I want to start looking into leaving and what that will entail. Finding the time to do that is hard but I have to find it. I wish I could just get up and go, right now. I don't feel ready to do that... I need a plan, and to know exactly what will happen, and know where I will go. Leaving feels more scary than staying...

 

I have asked him to do marriage counseling in the past and he wouldn't. He said they just keep bringing you back to make money. Which I mean, yeah, that's how they make money but we aren't functional. I wish he would have tried... but if he were the person to try we wouldn't be in this position anyway. It's hard because it's not all horrible. We've had good times, some of my best memories are with him. He's still my husband, he's still my babies father, he's had his moments. I wish it were easier...

 

I don't think anybody was saying that you're a bad mother.

 

It makes sense that you're conflicted. Relationships are complex and it's normal to want to stay with the father of your children. Most abuser are not horrible all the time. The crumbs of affection and love are what keep their victims hooked.

[Birdies]

I just wanted to say that while each individual person is free to have their own opinion about abortion, the fact of the matter is that it is 100% legal and supported in this country. While I'm sure you would love and be a wonderful mother to your fetus, at this point it is just a tiny bundle of cells with no resemblance to a human. You already have so much on your plate, and you're at such a tipping point in your life beginning to think about escaping this abusive situation, that perhaps going through a pregnancy and having a newborn is a not a good idea for you, your other children, or that fetus. That is entirely your choice, and if you decide so, that is 100% OK. Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty about considering it.

 

Also - I hope you realize how cruel it is of your husband to storm off, react violently, and disappear for 12+ hours without communicating with you at all, in response to a VERY reasonable decision on your part to not be intimate with him. It is your body, not his. It is terrifying that he feels he deserves this much control over you and your body. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Please remember that! xoxox

Edited November 22, 2016 by Birdies

[olivetree]

I just wanted to say that while each individual person is free to have their own opinion about abortion, the fact of the matter is that it is 100% legal and supported in this country. While I'm sure you would love and be a wonderful mother to your fetus, at this point it is just a tiny bundle of cells with no resemblance to a human. You already have so much on your plate, and you're at such a tipping point in your life beginning to think about escaping this abusive situation, that perhaps going through a pregnancy and having a newborn is a not a good idea for you, your other children, or that fetus. That is entirely your choice, and if you decide so, that is 100% OK. Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty about considering it.

 

Also - I hope you realize how cruel it is of your husband to storm off, react violently, and disappear for 12+ hours without communicating with you at all, in response to a VERY reasonable decision on your part to not be intimate with him. It is your body, not his. It is terrifying that he feels he deserves this much control over you and your body. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Please remember that! xoxox

 

I agree with all of this. While his reaction to being told no was beyond creepy and repulsive, I don't think Kate indicated he was at all violent.

 

Kate, do you wonder where he went all night? Due to his sense of entitlement/lack of morals/objectification of women (you), it would not surprise if he visits prostitutes/brothels or has a mistress. You did say he isn't home a lot.

[Birdies]

(By reacting violently, I meant how she thought he had punched a hole in the wall. That's scary because of course it's a very slippery slope towards being violent towards her.)

[basil67]

Big hugs to you Kate. You are a strong woman, an amazing mother. I'm so proud of you for standing up to him.

 

I wanted to write and say that I'm glad he wouldn't do marriage counselling. MC is great for good people who need to learn how to get along. But it's not advised for marriages where there is abuse and control issues. I expect he would tell you what you need to say. And refute the things you do say. I also expect he'd punish you if he didn't like what you did say.

 

You know how he blocked the social worker in hospital? He'd be the same with a counsellor.

 

Out of curiosity, what in particular alarmed the hospital staff way back then?

[olivetree]

(By reacting violently, I meant how she thought he had punched a hole in the wall. That's scary because of course it's a very slippery slope towards being violent towards her.)

 

Ahh yes... a very bad sign!

[BetheButterfly]

BetheButterfly: I know a few couples who struggle with infertility, and I have become use to the comments and judgement - whether intentional or not. Couples who are trying to adopt see bad situations everywhere, most of what is presented to them is a bad situation or adoption wouldn't be needed. Then they start to judge, unintentionally I'm sure, other parents if there is a remote similarity. I've heard it all... "I want a baby so badly and this person gets pregnant at the drop of a hat", "I would do anything for a baby and this person doesn't see the gift she has", "this person is selfish for hoarding kids", "I would give everything for a child and be such an amazing mother, while this person just keeps popping them out and doesn't care", "she is selfish for thinking of abortion when I so many women would love to be in her spot". Or maybe I'm so use to being judged that I assume judgement everywhere. If that is the case I apologize for taking offense. One thing I cannot handle is being told, or hinted at, that I'm not a good parent.

 

I am so sorry that you thought I was judging you or thinking badly about you. :( That wasn't my intention at all. About the comment I made of many young children in diapers at once, I was thinking of reasons you could tell your husband for not wanting to get pregnant now. I had no idea you'd think I was questioning your parenting. I'm so sorry.

 

I do think you're an awesome Mom, and I am so sad that you are hurting, and that I accidentally added to your hurt. I am also sorry if my begging you not to abort the 6th baby offended you. It was not my intention to offend you in any way. I'm so sorry.

[BaileyB]

He won't want to go to marriage counselling for the same reason he didn't want you to talk to the social worker Kate.... And that's not a bad thing because as basil said, marriage counselling is not meant for abusive relationships. He would likely tell you what he thinks you want to hear and possibly pressure you not to disclose information/or there would be retribution if you did disclose too much.

 

I hope you are well tonight. I'm sure that he is going to have a few things to say to you tonight. Just know that what you did was not wrong, that his reaction was abhorrent, and that you are not alone - you are among friends and you can share anything you feel you want to share.

[RecentChange]

Yes please - let us know if there is anything thing we can do to support you. My heart is heavy knowing the situation you are in!

 

Sending good throughts of strength and peace your way.

[BetheButterfly]

 

He didn't come home last night. I thought maybe he would have stayed downstairs but the alarm wasn't disarmed after he left. We haven't talked at all today, usually he sends a few texts. He really doesn't spend much time at home, but it feels so peaceful not having him here last night. It's just easier. I don't even know what to say to him when he does come home, and I know he will tonight. I keep trying to come up with excuses in my head for saying no. I shouldn't need an excuse though...

 

Agreed! You don't need an excuse for saying no. It's your right. You're not his property.

 

I want to start looking into leaving and what that will entail. Finding the time to do that is hard but I have to find it. I wish I could just get up and go, right now. I don't feel ready to do that... I need a plan, and to know exactly what will happen, and know where I will go. Leaving feels more scary than staying...

Yeah. You can do it though!

I have asked him to do marriage counseling in the past and he wouldn't. He said they just keep bringing you back to make money. Which I mean, yeah, that's how they make money but we aren't functional. I wish he would have tried...

Yeah. I think marriage counseling works in some cases, but it doesn't in other cases.

 

but if he were the person to try we wouldn't be in this position anyway.

Yeah. Is he a "my way or the highway" kind of person?

 

It's hard because it's not all horrible. We've had good times, some of my best memories are with him. He's still my husband, he's still my babies father, he's had his moments. I wish it were easier...

Me too. Again, I'm sorry for offending you ; it wasn't my intention. I very much hope and pray that you get out of this abusive situation, because a loving and respectful husband doesn't treat his wife how he is treating you. The other posters are right that he may have just manipulated marriage counseling if he had gone, because he does sound abusive and controlling.

 

You deserve a wonderful husband who truly loves and respects you!!!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Kate,

 

Reading your story brought me to tears! Sending you best wishes and hoping you stay strong!

 

You got a lot of great advice from posters here, and I don't have much to add. I just want to emphasize to get in touch with your parents, reconnect with them and be honest about everything that is going on. Also, try to consult with a lawyer and explore options available in Toronto.

 

You did NOTHING wrong! You are wonderful, caring and strong woman and mother to your children! Don't question yourself, but rather move forward to plan and build better life for yourself and your children!

 

I hope you are doing well tonight....everyone here is thinking about you!

 

All the best!

[Kamille]

I'm giving this advice thinking knowing your rights might help you make informed decisions about the steps to take, if ever you want a divorce.

 

Go to a legal clinic and find out what your rights are in regards to divorce. If you are filing in Ontario, then Ontario law applies (you mention you live in Toronto). There are conditions under which a marriage contract (prenuptial agreement) can be set aside, one of which is not understanding the consequences of the contract. I think you could demonstrate you didn't.

 

Also, the best interest of the children always takes precedent over marriage contracts in Ontario.

[Kate416]

I guess I'm just so use to hearing bad parenting comments that I get offended too easily...

 

I might talk to my parents this weekend, I'm just so unsure about it... I don't know what to say and don't want to hear I told you so. My mom is the kind of person who would say that... She doesn't think before she says things and has said a lot of hurtful things when I was growing up. She genuinely doesn't mean to hurt me, she just doesn't think... I'm going to try and find a lawyer too, so that if I leave I do it right and have everything planned.

 

The hospital staff told my husband it was a random check and they are required to do it with every 20th patient (or some other number) and that it's mandatory to do it separately. The reason they actually did it was because of the way he was acting and our circumstances. He wouldn't leave me side at all and I have really long labors. There were complications so I had to go in at the beginning of my labor, which was 4 days. He knew it would take a while but wouldn't go anywhere. I requested pain relief and later an epidural, and he said no. He told the staff that I wanted a natural birth and wanted him to stand up for me. I stopped asking and told the nurses I didn't want anything. After my daughter was born she had to go for tests and they asked my husband if he wanted to go with as most do. He wouldn't. When I started pushing I panicking and couldn't relax, the nurse whispered and asked if I wanted the "laughing gas" to calm me down I said yes. She asked if I wanted her to tell my husband it was just oxygen and I said yes. That was a big trigger. The other point was our age difference and some things that were in my file from my first birth. Also that my babies were born 11 months apart and the way I acted about it. They did everything they could for me, I wasn't willing to take the help at that point.