Is there anything wrong with our marriage?

[BaileyB]

I might be overreacting and making it all seem worse than it is. If it was bad enough I'd just leave...

 

As long as I do what he wants and do it right, it's okay. He is only rough during sex. If it was bad enough I'd leave, I would have left a long time ago. I'm still here which shows that it's not as bad as I make it seem.

 

Spoken like a woman living with a very abusive husband.

 

Kate, we have all told you that his behavior is abusive. He is emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive. It is not normal for a man to be rough with his wife during sex. It's not normal for a man to take your keys and put locks on the Internet. He is controlling and abusive.

 

How angry is he going to be when he learns that you are pregnant and you haven't told him. You need to tell him. Hopefully, he will be more gentle if he knows you are pregnant.

 

You have the support, the resources, the opportunity to get out of this abusive relationship. It's your decision. Stay and continue to minimize and normalize his behavior at your own risk.

Edited January 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Oh Kate,

 

I just can't imagine living with a man who isolates me, takes my car keys and limits Internet access thus attempting to imprison me in my own home, tells me what to do and how to do it during the day, and rapes me every night. That, to me, would be hell on earth.

 

And the idea that things are ok as long as you do what he wants, is heartbreaking to me. You are not overreacting.

 

I think, if your friends knew what was happening in your home they would be appalled. I can't help but think that if they knew the truth, they would help you to pack your things and take you to safety.

 

It bothers me that you think this is a situation you created, as though you believe that you must now suffer for your choice. This is not your fault! And you should never have to suffer in the way he makes you suffer...

 

The fact that your parents won't talk to you is abhorrent, because that is not a normal reaction from a loving parent - to abandon your daughter when she needs support.

 

Sadly, it seems that you are not ready to leave... I hope you don't wait too long because living with an abusive man will surely destroy you over time...

Edited January 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

I might be overreacting and making it all seem worse than it is. If it was bad enough I'd just leave... We have friends and company over and they don't notice. I got myself into this, my parents don't even want anything to do with me. He doesn't know that I'm pregnant. He tries every night. I don't want him to know yet.

 

As long as I do what he wants and do it right, it's okay. He is only rough during sex. If it was bad enough I'd leave, I would have left a long time ago. I'm still here which shows that it's not as bad as I make it seem.

 

He said our oldest 2 kids can start school in the fall rather than homeschooling. Maybe he'll work with me a bit.

 

I don't think so, Kate. You started this thread for a reason.

Saying "He's only rough during sex" is like stating "He only beats me once a week."

A man who respects and cherishes you will only be rough in bed if that's what you both agree to.

 

You stay only because you are trapped and not because you want to be in your marriage.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm here for you Kate, thanks for letting us know you are alive.

 

Kate look at this... people on the internet who you've told your story to are happy that he hasn't killed you yet, and here you are asking if you are overreacting.

 

You need to get out of there now... there are always options. Your friends and family aren't making a big deal because they don't know the truth.. You need to get out of there, there are services for women in your situation.

[BettyDraper]

I don't think that Kate is ready to leave despite the danger that she is in.

This is very sad but all we can do is hope that she stays as safe as possible.

 

Kate, keep on posting here so that we know you're okay.

[BaileyB]

I don't think that Kate is ready to leave despite the danger that she is in.

This is very sad but all we can do is hope that she stays as safe as possible.

 

Kate, keep on posting here so that we know you're okay.

 

Agreed. She doesn't seem ready to leave, despite the obvious abuse and danger.

 

We may challenge your thinking because when you are in this kind of situation, it's really easy to get confused about what is acceptable behavior and what is normal. It's really easy to think that it's somehow your fault and that you shouldn't expect more. It's really easy to think that staying is the easier and better option than leaving. But, that's not always true... And we will encourage you to think about things in a different way...

 

Please keep posting Kate. We are all worried about you and we want to know that you and your children are safe.

Edited January 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[Kate416]

He knows that I'm pregnant now, it won't stop the sex, it does change how he acts towards me. I can't hide it anymore because after having multiple pregnancies and separated abdominal muscles, I show early. He doesn't know I'm as far along as I am. He thinks I got pregnant this month. That's how I want it. My due date is July, for this baby and for this marriage to end if I haven't left yet.

 

He lets up a bit, with each pregnancy. He's nicer. We went out last night on what normally would be a very nice date. In less than 24 hours he told people that we were pregnant again and told me to act happy about it when people ask.

 

I don't think I should post here anymore because I just annoy people that I haven't left yet.

[BaileyB]

No, please don't stop posting. Nobody is annoyed... We are however, very worried about you.

 

It's very good that you told him about the pregnancy. I hope he is more gentle.

 

Please, keep posting. There are compassionate people here who want the best for you and are only trying to help.

[BettyDraper]

He knows that I'm pregnant now, it won't stop the sex, it does change how he acts towards me. I can't hide it anymore because after having multiple pregnancies and separated abdominal muscles, I show early. He doesn't know I'm as far along as I am. He thinks I got pregnant this month. That's how I want it. My due date is July, for this baby and for this marriage to end if I haven't left yet.

 

He lets up a bit, with each pregnancy. He's nicer. We went out last night on what normally would be a very nice date. In less than 24 hours he told people that we were pregnant again and told me to act happy about it when people ask.

 

I don't think I should post here anymore because I just annoy people that I haven't left yet.

 

It's great that you have a plan to leave.

 

Your husband acts nicer during your pregnancies because he enjoys seeing you pregnant. It makes me him feel powerful. Every abuser acts nice sometimes to trick their victims into thinking that they aren't "that bad".

 

Whether you post here or not is your decision just as it is your choice to stay with your husband or divorce him. I doubt LS members are annoyed with you. We just want you and your children to be safe.

[BaileyB]

Still thinking about you Kate.

 

Wondering if you are still out there and how you are doing. Wishing you well.

[Kate416]

I left my husband.

[RecentChange]

Thank you so much for checking in with us Kate.

 

I know you must be going through a horribly difficult time but this choice is for ten best.

 

Sending thoughts of strength and peace to you.

[BettyDraper]

I left my husband.

 

I'm so glad to hear that! I commend you for your strength!

 

Whenever you can, please check in with us again to let us know you're okay.

[BaileyB]

Good for you, Kate!

 

Please, come back to us and tell us how you are doing. I wish you all the best.

[Birdies]

I'm so glad to hear that you got away from your abuser! I hope that you have some family to lean on through this tough transition. You're doing the right thing for your kids, no matter how hard or upsetting it seems right now.

 

I hope you will keep checking in, Kate. A lot of people are here rooting for you. Big hugs.

[BettyDraper]

Kate, I don't know what resources you are using. Here are some numbers to call for support:

 

https://www1.toronto.ca/wps/portal/contentonly?vgnextoid=e29dd4b4920c0410VgnVCM10000071d60f89RCRD Call Central Family Intake and ask about Red Door Shelter. If you stay in a shelter with your children, you can get into Ontario Housing fairly quickly. If you are not in a shelter, you can still talk to a housing worker who is employed through a shelter.

 

http://www1.toronto.ca/City%20Of%20Toronto/Employment%20and%20Social%20Services/Files/pdf/P/Ontario%20Works%20(OW)%20Rate%20Chart.pdf

This is the Ontario Works rate chart. If you go this route, you'll have to apply online and then meet with an OW worker.

 

Child and family benefits calculator

You can enter your information and find out how much Child Tax Benefit you are entitled to. Since you have many children, I imagine it will be well over $600 a month.

 

https://www.housingconnections.ca/WebApply/App_Introduction.aspx

Application for Ontario Housing.

 

I hope these links helped.

[Jazz75]

You ask if there is something wrong with your marriage, and I think you've been given a lot of answers that I have to say I agree with. I'm not going to add any more on that, except to say that there is a 15 year age difference between my wife and me and we certainly have never had a marriage like you describe. Despite being 15 years older than my wife, she is an equal partner in our marriage. We agree on most things and negotiate the others. My wife has no hesitation in telling me when I'm wrong or am pissing her off. We have sex when we both want to, and she enjoys it, probably even more than I do. I admit we are more fortunate than you are, in that we had both completed our education and had experience in the workplace before we met. We have both worked throughout our 29 year relationship and 25 year marriage, and we both took an equal part in housework and bringing up the kids. I am now retired and look after the house and cook the meals in support of my wife who is still working, and we both enjoy what we do. My wife would never have accepted what you are accepting in your marriage. All relationships are different, but I think the ground rules in yours need some serious renegotiation.

I typed this reply after the first page, without realising there were 11 more pages! Forget what I said about renegotiation - get out of that relationship!

Edited April 4, 2017 by Jazz75
Additions

[Kate416]

I could write a novel on how I am feeling but that would be redundant. Lord knows what will spew from my exhausted fingertips. It's extremely difficult. My life and my kids lives have been totally turned upside down. I can't say that life is necessarily better than a month ago. It's just different. In some ways it's better, in some ways it's worse. My kids are struggling to adapt and all but one are acting out in one way or another. Between taking hours to get the kids asleep, wake ups at every hour of the night, tantrums, and acting out to get attention, life is a disaster right now. I get it, my kids lost a parent, suddenly moved, lost their items, their home, their amenities.

 

My kids have never seen the bad side to my husband. In a way that made it easier to stay. He was a good dad, or at least acted like one. He helped with the kids a lot (whenever he was home). If they woke up at night, especially our older kids, he'd get up instead of me having to. Two adults with 5 kids is a lot easier than one. I have definitely noticed. It's hard to not consider going back. I know it would be 100x worse.

 

My husband is the only man I've ever been with. In the grand scheme of things, 8 years is nothing. But those 8 years completely changed the rest of my life. It's hard at night. I'm almost too exhausted to think about it but sometimes I do. I'm use to him being in bed with my every night and use to certain routines. Now, I almost feel worthless and without purpose. For 8 years all I was worth to him was sexual and childbearing abilities. I didn't notice how much until I left and was no longer "needed" for that.

 

My breaking point was reached when I started sleeping in one of the kids rooms so my husband wouldn't make me have sex with him or give him oral. And when he snapped at me one day, hit me in the face and shoved me down. My kids didn't see my husband be physically abusive to me, what he did do never left a mark they'd see but once I had a black eye there was no hiding that.

 

At the moment my husband hasn't seen our kids in a month. He has threatened me since I left, before changing my contact information, and it's not safe for him to have them right now. I have a lot of legal struggles coming up. Our prenup is going to be thrown out for multiple reasons. My husband pushed for it too quickly, it puts me at too much of a disadvantage, circumstances changed drastically since it was signed.

 

My oldest 3 children are starting school in September. I applied to start my Master's in September, in case I decide it's something I can do right now. I may have to postpone it more, but at least it will be an option.

 

When I was with my husband, we were eligible to get CBB/Universal, even given our income. We didn't get it because we didn't need it and my husband didn't want "welfare money". He missed out on about $34,000. CBB back pays so some of that I will get back, not sure how much yet. I have applied to get it monthly as well. I made sure that I didn't leave with nothing.

[BaileyB]

Kate, I'm sorry to hear that life is a struggle right now. I'm sure that it will be a struggle for a long time, but it will get better.

 

It sounds like you are beginning to imagine a new life for yourself and your children, without your husband. I have such respect for your strength - raising your children on your own, dealing with the legal issues, and considering school to complete your masters degree. Such respect.

 

I'm sure that it's lonley and you are missing the familiar routine and parenting support, but for me the peace of mind and ability to rest my head every night without the threat that my husband would force me into sex or hit me would be well worth any price...

 

Stay strong and take any support that you can find. Best wishes.

[anna121]

Cheering for you Kate. Pls keep posting when you can. Many of us are in Canada/ON and can give feedback on issues specific to your location.

[BettyDraper]

I could write a novel on how I am feeling but that would be redundant. Lord knows what will spew from my exhausted fingertips. It's extremely difficult. My life and my kids lives have been totally turned upside down. I can't say that life is necessarily better than a month ago. It's just different. In some ways it's better, in some ways it's worse. My kids are struggling to adapt and all but one are acting out in one way or another. Between taking hours to get the kids asleep, wake ups at every hour of the night, tantrums, and acting out to get attention, life is a disaster right now. I get it, my kids lost a parent, suddenly moved, lost their items, their home, their amenities.

 

My kids have never seen the bad side to my husband. In a way that made it easier to stay. He was a good dad, or at least acted like one. He helped with the kids a lot (whenever he was home). If they woke up at night, especially our older kids, he'd get up instead of me having to. Two adults with 5 kids is a lot easier than one. I have definitely noticed. It's hard to not consider going back. I know it would be 100x worse.

 

My husband is the only man I've ever been with. In the grand scheme of things, 8 years is nothing. But those 8 years completely changed the rest of my life. It's hard at night. I'm almost too exhausted to think about it but sometimes I do. I'm use to him being in bed with my every night and use to certain routines. Now, I almost feel worthless and without purpose. For 8 years all I was worth to him was sexual and childbearing abilities. I didn't notice how much until I left and was no longer "needed" for that.

 

My breaking point was reached when I started sleeping in one of the kids rooms so my husband wouldn't make me have sex with him or give him oral. And when he snapped at me one day, hit me in the face and shoved me down. My kids didn't see my husband be physically abusive to me, what he did do never left a mark they'd see but once I had a black eye there was no hiding that.

 

At the moment my husband hasn't seen our kids in a month. He has threatened me since I left, before changing my contact information, and it's not safe for him to have them right now. I have a lot of legal struggles coming up. Our prenup is going to be thrown out for multiple reasons. My husband pushed for it too quickly, it puts me at too much of a disadvantage, circumstances changed drastically since it was signed.

 

My oldest 3 children are starting school in September. I applied to start my Master's in September, in case I decide it's something I can do right now. I may have to postpone it more, but at least it will be an option.

 

When I was with my husband, we were eligible to get CBB/Universal, even given our income. We didn't get it because we didn't need it and my husband didn't want "welfare money". He missed out on about $34,000. CBB back pays so some of that I will get back, not sure how much yet. I have applied to get it monthly as well. I made sure that I didn't leave with nothing.

 

What a courageous woman you are!

 

I won't deny that it will take a long time to heal from your marriage. The new realities of your life will be difficult to get used to but I have the faith that you will do well, Kate. You're such an intelligent and strong woman.

 

You have worth as a human being, as a woman and as a mother. Even though it may take a while to start receiving alimony and child support, you were savvy enough to make sure that provincial government income was available to you.

Edited April 7, 2017 by BettyDraper