Coping with your life and your ex's life after you.

[grabaka]

Backstory: In November 2014 my ex-wife cheated on me and left me for a married man. In January 2015 we came up with a divorce settlement....and her lover left her and went back to his wife. My ex threw everything we were away and had for someone who left her after using her for sex. I moved out in February 2015 and started my new life. Also, we have no children together.

 

 

Life after ex: For 2 years now I have felt like my life has come to an end and I've just drifting numb through each day. I have no friends, and my family isnt there for me. I spend every holiday alone in my small apartment, and every weekend I am alone. It's funny because most people cant wait for the weekend, I dread the weekend. I literally go from Friday at 5pm when I leave work to Monday at 8am when I return to work with no human interaction....unless its with a cashier at a store, or some one at a food drive thru. I have went on dates by way of online dating websites...WOW they were horrible. I think since I have been alone and somewhat isolated for so long I have developed some anxiety to where I dont enjoy being with people and get really uncomfortable.

My ex makes contact: Last night about 1:30am my ex reaches out to me for the first time in like 2 years. It was a random text that asked do I ever have meltdowns when I am alone. Now this threw me off guard since she knows nothing of my life and I know nothing about hers and havent known for 2 years now. Long story short...the text turned into a phone call where she explained she has been involved with a guy off and on (not the one she left me for) for about a year and a half and he nothing but abusive to her. Not so much physically abusive but more verbally. She was crying and telling me earlier he chewed her out and called her stupid for ordering his taco bell wrong and not shutting the screen door correctly. She went on to say he drinks all the time and calls her fat and ugly, and calls her stupid. He has cheated on her multiple times and she went from a 140lbs to 110lbs due to him calling her fat all the time.

 

All I could do really was tell her to get out of the situation and cut him off. But she went on to say every time she tries he shows up at her work, or her house banging on the door. Literally my heart has been broken since we ended the call. I cant help but wonder why she would let her life to get to this. Maybe it is karma catching up to her for what she did to me, but even though back then when I found out she cheated on me and I wanted Karma to get her.....I wish she wasnt going through this. I literally couldnt sleep after learning all of this, and balled my eyes out over it. She threw us away, along with all of our goals, dreams, and ambitions....and now it seems as if she is at rock bottom. Obviously this means Im not over her and still love her....but I just cant do this or know about this. People have choices and pave their own way in life so I hope she gets away from that situation. But I have literally felt numb and sick today knowing she's being abused.

 

I ended up texting her today. I let her know that she is a beautiful, smart girl and she knows what she needs to do to get out of that situation. I went onto say I wish she wasnt going through this, but I am someone she decided to cut out of her life and that I would never forget the day she told me "she was leaving me and never wanted to see me or talk to me again" (but yet she reached out to me last night?!!?). I told her I've missed her for 2 years straight now and thought about her everyday, and even though I hate her situation and my heart is broken over it, I couldnt be there for her or do this and that we once again need to cease contact with one another. I sent that text at 10am on Saturday and now its 12:21 am on Sunday....she never replied.

 

I feel so heartbroken she's going through this, and like Im a horrible person because I cant be there for her. I just cant be because I still love her and obviously am not over her....and I know contact with her will not be healthy for me.

 

Has anyone else been in a comparable scenario or situation? If so please respond.

Edited November 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[ManyDissapoint]

The relationship that brought me to this site also ended in November 2014. I don't know if she cheated on me or not. But I too live a mostly solitary life. I also dread the weekends. For guys like us, when a relationship with someone you truly love ends, the impact is meteoric.

 

However just because for A, B or C reason we do not have the opportunity to socialize with many people, does not mean that we must accept bad forms of contact. This form of contact is very bad.

 

She wanted to vent and use you as an emotional tampon, not caring at all about how it might affect YOUR emotions.

 

Look, I can tell you are a nice and empathetic person, and as such it's hard for you not to offer an ear and sympathies. But dude, would you invite someone who robbed you over to your house warming party just because he didn't have anything to do that weekend?

 

This is NOT your circus, and these are definitely NOT your monkeys.

 

Your text that you wrote her was on point. You showed some vulnerability there, which is most likely true to your nature and that's brave. I don't think I would have. But I think you said good stuff, and made a strong point in a more polite way than she deserved. You cannot be that person for her, she has already precluded that with her actions.

 

The hard part is going to be sticking to your guns. I guarantee you that you would be a lot less bothered if you had an exciting woman in your life.

[Nowty V]

You need to find some forgiveness man.

 

You need to forgive her and lose all the bitterness and resentment.

 

I'm not saying you should get back together, you would have to live apart and go through some couple therapy before that could happen.

 

But that bitterness,blame and resentment will make you seriously ill if you don't put it down, walk away from it, and don't look back.

 

People make their beds, unfortunately they have to lie on them.

[grabaka]

You are correct...people make their beds and have to lie on them. And she did exactly that! I do wish to forgive, and forget to move on with my life because honestly I've basically stopped living the past 2 years. Man...this is a hard process.

[grabaka]

The relationship that brought me to this site also ended in November 2014. I don't know if she cheated on me or not. But I too live a mostly solitary life. I also dread the weekends. For guys like us, when a relationship with someone you truly love ends, the impact is meteoric.

 

However just because for A, B or C reason we do not have the opportunity to socialize with many people, does not mean that we must accept bad forms of contact. This form of contact is very bad.

 

She wanted to vent and use you as an emotional tampon, not caring at all about how it might affect YOUR emotions.

 

Look, I can tell you are a nice and empathetic person, and as such it's hard for you not to offer an ear and sympathies. But dude, would you invite someone who robbed you over to your house warming party just because he didn't have anything to do that weekend?

 

This is NOT your circus, and these are definitely NOT your monkeys.

 

Your text that you wrote her was on point. You showed some vulnerability there, which is most likely true to your nature and that's brave. I don't think I would have. But I think you said good stuff, and made a strong point in a more polite way than she deserved. You cannot be that person for her, she has already precluded that with her actions.

 

The hard part is going to be sticking to your guns. I guarantee you that you would be a lot less bothered if you had an exciting woman in your life.

You are right, she reached out to me as in "feeling" me out to see how I would react to this. She knows she messed up with us and it is karma getting back to her. To me it takes some nerve for her to call me and tell me about her cheating abusive boyfriend.....especially when she at one point was my wife who became my cheating wife that screwed me over. I havent heard from her since my text...hopefully I dont, but I do hope she gets her life together.

[Sweetfish]

You are right, she reached out to me as in "feeling" me out to see how I would react to this. She knows she messed up with us and it is karma getting back to her. To me it takes some nerve for her to call me and tell me about her cheating abusive boyfriend.....especially when she at one point was my wife who became my cheating wife that screwed me over. I havent heard from her since my text...hopefully I dont, but I do hope she gets her life together.

 

You didnt get the apologize you a least deserve. That's enough to cut her 100%