Online affair with ex

[sadwife48]

My husband started a relationship with a woman before either of them was married. They both got married - and continued the relationship on the side for the entire time they were married - 18 years. Eventually my husband's former wife found out about it and left/divorced him over it.

 

My husband and I were college sweethearts and did not see each other for 30 years (during which time the above happened). He broke up with this girlfriend, found me, and married me. (I knew very little about the whole affair.) We have now been married for 20 years - he is now 70 years old. For the first 18 years he maintained that he hated this ex-girlfriend (she did some awful things in the early days of our marriage).

 

For the last five years she has been messaging him over Facebook and two years ago he finally started responding. In the beginning, she was sending him naked photos of herself and he was asking for more - and they were sexting. I was seeing every bit of it. I waited about a month praying it would end before finally telling him I was seeing it. It took about another month for that part to stop. Ever since it has been a constant messaging relationship - she does not care what she says to him, but he is more careful in his replies (since he knows I am reading it). She clearly wants to see him and be in a physical relationship - and even without that, tells him she loves him.

 

He tells me he loves me and just enjoys talking to her. He thinks it is okay so long as they don't see each other (she lives 250 miles away). I've tried everything I know to get it to stop. The one thing I have not done yet is message her husband. I hated to hurt him (she already divorced him once for my husband - and then remarried him). She says he cannot stop her.

 

I did try messaging her and offering to be friends, but she immediately blocked me.

 

I would love to hear of other ideas - especially from older people? Is this behavior okay in these circumstances? Am I over-sensitive and invading their privacy (their claim)? I do have every message recorded (thousands of them)... and am suffering greatly over this. I adore this man and want to be his wife.

[aileD]

What????

 

No. this behavior is NOT OK. He is married to you. Not her. You don't get to sext other people when you're married.

 

Tell her husband and send him the evidence. Then set some boundaries with your husband. Like if he talks to her again you will file for divorce.

 

There are no circumstances that make cheating okay.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

SMH. I don't have answers and I don't fit the criteria of those from whom you are soliciting responses, but I do have sympathy for you. Plus, I can't help but say this:

 

YOU are interrupting THEIR privacy? Oh no no no! You are his wife so isn't she interrupting yours? Then you say...you want to be this man's wife...but you already are!!! It seems that you feel you are taking a back seat to this affair when you are meant to be in the front seat as his wife! It's not a good sign, in my opinion, that he continues any contact with her whatsoever. For me, that is the writing on the wall of what more is to come. Sorry for this analogy, but your post reminded me of those tv shows where they talk about where a dog fits in the family "pack." (His OW is the dog in this example.) The badly behaving dogs see themselves as pack leader, run amok in the family, create chaos and drama for the rest of the family. The tv show dog trainer teaches the family the dog's rightful place, which is beneath all the humans in the family. Once the dog understands this, the dog behaves perfectly (and this is accomplished without cruelty).

 

So my point is...assert yourself already! Lest you be further diminished and marginalized over time along with your self-esteem. Seems you may share a similar fate with his first wife if you don't assert yourself now! Don't doubt yourself or your feelings. They are there to protect you...self-preservation. Let your pain be your guide! Get a good support system to help you as well. Don't feel any shame in getting help...his behaviors and choices are not a reflection of your true worth!

[goodyblue]

Go stay in a hotel for a few days. Tell him you won't come back unless it is over with her. If he doesn't end it, divorce. It's clear he doesn't have respect for you or your marriage.

[sadwife48]

I have left several times on trips and they just talk more. We are both in pretty bad health - so it's very hard for either of us to just leave - and it is definitely not what I want. I also don't want her to think that she "won"! It's like a game to her that she has been pursuing for 40 years now. The odd part about all of this is he is very sweet to me most of the time. It almost seems like this is the old age version of a mid-life crisis? A last gasp at reclaiming his youth?

[aileD]

Delete his Facebook page and shut off your internet

[BuddyX]

Honey, she already won. You still allow it. She has the upper hand. As stated above, you need time off from him. Pack....his bags and tell him to leave. He can have this relationship with her, but it will not happen in your house.

 

Get on FB and exposed them. Have some dignity for yourself.

 

You think that's harsh? You're getting up there in age. Did you ever think your "soul mate" would treat you like this?

 

But in my opinion, he's so deep into the fog, he'll message her no matter what.

[l8estnews]

I have left several times on trips and they just talk more. We are both in pretty bad health - so it's very hard for either of us to just leave - and it is definitely not what I want. I also don't want her to think that she "won"! It's like a game to her that she has been pursuing for 40 years now. The odd part about all of this is he is very sweet to me most of the time. It almost seems like this is the old age version of a mid-life crisis? A last gasp at reclaiming his youth?

 

This is really sad. No matter what age, this kind of thing still happens. What can you say in times like these? It's no longer applicable to say "move on and find your guy"...

[Mr. Lucky]

For the last five years she has been messaging him over Facebook and two years ago he finally started responding. In the beginning, she was sending him naked photos of herself and he was asking for more - and they were sexting. I was seeing every bit of it. I waited about a month praying it would end before finally telling him I was seeing it. It took about another month for that part to stop.

 

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. You confronted him about the affair and it took "another month for that part to stop"???

 

sadwife48, you choices seem pretty clear. Either live with his cheating or leave, he has no interest in stopping the EA with her. I'm sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey born raised]

It is very common. Look at the history of the Florida retirement community of the "villages"? In central Florida. It has the highest STD rate in the nation.

 

His ex his fits somewhere in the cluster B group of mental disorders. Her behavior towards you is that of a "serial killer". Part of her enjoys your pain, it proves her self-worth. Your husband allows her to do it. What does that say about him.

[Steen719]

I have left several times on trips and they just talk more. We are both in pretty bad health - so it's very hard for either of us to just leave - and it is definitely not what I want. I also don't want her to think that she "won"! It's like a game to her that she has been pursuing for 40 years now. The odd part about all of this is he is very sweet to me most of the time. It almost seems like this is the old age version of a mid-life crisis? A last gasp at reclaiming his youth?

 

 

Oh no, what has she "won"? A cheating liar. Look, I get it - you are at the age and health that you don't want to divorce, but this is a lousy example of a marriage. Enjoy the rest of your life without this kind of nonsense.

 

Expose to her husband, tell your husband you will NOT put up with this and then gain some self esteem back. Do not put up with this no matter what age. He is lacking in character and you know his history proves it.

 

Tell her husband. He doesn't deserve this.

[LargoLagg]

I think you have to concede that at 70 years of age, your husband's "I don't give a ****" organ has fully matured.

 

Have you considered taking over and doing the sexting for him? Maybe you could find some act that disgusts her (anal, animals, I don't know) and push her to do these things or get her to send pictures from grocery stores or walmart or other public places (so she'll get in legal trouble) or get her to start doing things to other men and sending pictures and descriptions of that.

 

Maybe you can drive her out of your life if he won't.

[sadwife48]

I think you have to concede that at 70 years of age, your husband's "I don't give a ****" organ has fully matured.

 

Have you considered taking over and doing the sexting for him? Maybe you could find some act that disgusts her (anal, animals, I don't know) and push her to do these things or get her to send pictures from grocery stores or walmart or other public places (so she'll get in legal trouble) or get her to start doing things to other men and sending pictures and descriptions of that.

 

Maybe you can drive her out of your life if he won't.

 

This is exactly the kind of idea I am looking for! She's already sent photos of herself in many of these situations (her ideas - there's apparently nothing that disgusts her). But I know there is something I can say to drive a wedge... just have to figure out what it is.

 

Thanks!

[BuddyX]

I think your missing the point. Even if you create a wedge, and she leaves him alone, he'll just pursue another woman.

[LargoLagg]

I think your missing the point. Even if you create a wedge, and she leaves him alone, he'll just pursue another woman.

Maybe, but let's face facts. How many women is he likely to attract? He's 70 and his health is failing. His pool of options is probably limited, unless he moves into an old folks home.

[goodyblue]

She is his age? Sending... pictures of, what?

[sadwife48]

I do think this is probably the "last" one. They have a history and she remembers him as a younger man (she is 10 years younger than us). She definitely loves him and has begged to see him physically - but he has refused. She is 250 miles away.

[road]

Time to tell the BH.

[sadwife48]

She was sending pictures of her naked body and body parts - all of the most private ones. I found it pretty disgusting since she is overweight... but he was telling her how great the pictures were! She even sent one taken while she was at work! Again, all of the x-rated pictures stopped the moment she found out I was seeing them - more than a year and a half ago. I did capture every one of them.

[sadwife48]

Okay, here are the reasons I have stayed:

 

* I love him. I've loved him for over 50 years.

* He tells me he loves me at least 20 times a day.

* He is sweet, loving, and fun.

* I'm positive he has had no physical contact with her (from things that have been said in messages, from possibility of travel time, and other reasons)

* I need the money I will get if we stay together and he dies before me (highly likely since he has worse health issues and bad habits than I do)

* I need his health insurance (huge)

 

I hate being a doormat! And I know I need to give him an ultimatum. But it's very hard at our age... I start counseling Monday (he refuses to come).

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so very sorry. It's awful to feel like this at any age. Some people are just so selfish & cruel. I wish I knew what the answer is. Hugs.

[Raena]

Do you have family or friends you could go stay with?

 

If you insist on staying for the reasons you listed, then there really isn't much you can do other than to turn off the internet and get rid of any cell phones so he can't communicate with her.

[sadwife48]

I don't have any other place to go and I own the house we live in (he does not contribute financially). The last thing I want is to be away from him. I've loved him for over 50 years.

 

I had a wonderful first meeting with a counselor - but sadly he is leaving his practice and said there was no one else near here who can help me. He told me he believes my husband has PTSD (Vietnam vet) and a personality disorder. He said not to contact the OW's husband (although I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it in January).

 

I took notes and had a conversation with my husband about the meeting - leaving out the personality disorder part. I told him that I don't understand why talking to her is more important than not hurting me. He again strongly denied loving her and was upset that I was trying to "control" him. I told him out of his 1000 friends (literally!) this is the only one I've ever asked him not to message. He said he would think about it - he does not want to hurt me -he loves me.

 

I had two heavenly days when I thought it was over! Then when I was in church on Sunday, he messaged her again (a joke picture). I do plan to talk to her husband and look for another counselor. Still wishing and praying this will end.

[elaine567]

Still wishing and praying this will end.

 

Why will it end?

It will never end unless there are consequences for his actions.

He knows if he throws you an "I Love You" 20 times a day then he can get off with anything.

BTW they are just words, utterly meaningless.

 

He is probably aware that you will never leave nor will you chuck him out of YOUR house, so he can do whatever he likes and you have to put up with it.

[sadwife48]

If we were less than 70 years old and physically/financially/emotionally well enough for one of us to move, I'd issue an ultimatum...