Online affair with ex

[BTDT2012]

If we were less than 70 years old and physically/financially/emotionally well enough for one of us to move, I'd issue an ultimatum...

You are making excuses. Your husband has absolutely no reason to do anything other that what he wants to do. Until he has consequences for continuing this behavior, he will continue. Learn to love yourself.

 

I hope you find another counselor quickly.

[Steen719]

You are making excuses. Your husband has absolutely no reason to do anything other that what he wants to do. Until he has consequences for continuing this behavior, he will continue. Learn to love yourself.

I hope you find another counselor quickly.

 

True, and you know what? He should want to not hurt you. It should not even be that an ultimatum is what he needs to stop. He should NOT want to do this to you. Such total disregard for you. It is sad.

[sadwife48]

He'll always attract women because of his personality. Remember - this is totally online. But I can handle it if it's anyone other than this one particular person. So praying I can find a way to get her out of the picture...

[adna89]

He'll always attract women because of his personality. Remember - this is totally online. But I can handle it if it's anyone other than this one particular person. So praying I can find a way to get her out of the picture...

 

I wonder,he has been contacting her for his whole life,he is now at the end of it and is still in touch with her...why did they never end up together? why did he not choose her after he divorced because of the contact with her the first time??

 

most probably he never loved her only loves the attention and probably is used to her,maybe she does love him though,and he just like the attention

[sadwife48]

I'm definitely not okay with it. I'm working hard to find a way to make it go away!

[ShatteredLady]

Oh I desperately feel for you. In a way you are living my worst nightmare!

 

12 years ago my husband ripped my heart out by having an affair with a coworker. He became incredibly cruel & abusive to me. I lost all sense of self & became suicidal...from his behavior, not the actual relationship. It was a nightmare that I managed to put behind me.

 

....But I am FOREVER CHANGED.

 

Our lives moved on. Tragedies & wonderful events of life. I felt like a real family that would last forever. We had our beautiful babies.

 

My health started to fail & I had a series of surgeries & treatments. Life & death stuff. My H started to treat me with utter contempt again. I didn't recognize him. We met young & have spent our entire adult life together.

 

Long story short I discovered that he was having an online emotional affair with HER AGAIN. This time she lived many miles away so the never got together. WHY? How could he bring HER, the worst time of my life back when I desperately needed him the most?

 

It turns out that she had been contacting a couple of times a year, every year, for about 12 years before he wrote back (apparently! I've found 1 'innocent' email that HE sent her when my son was a toddler so that was a lie!).

 

It changes EVERYTHING! Makes me wonder what he's been feeling for all of those years. Was he contacting her when my son was nearly born prematurely & I spent all that time in hospital terrified? At my brothers funeral? Was he thinking of her while we conceived our babies? How can I ever know? It changes EVERYTHING!!

 

Because his character changes so dramatically when he's being unfaithful I can imagine being your age (If I live that long) & catching him again & him saying "No! I will not stop. What are you going to do about it?".

 

I'm 46 now. My spine is degenerating. I could end-up in a wheelchair or worse. I'm recovering from cancer...one clear test now!!! I have damaged internal organs. I live in agony 24/7. He's convinced me that I'm a useless cripple burden.

 

This time he wrote to a friend saying that he had told me that he'd stopped contacting her BUT was NEVER GOING TO!! Although I believe that he's not currently 'with' her I have no way of knowing if/when it's going to start again.

 

I know how it shatters your soul. He has taught me that my love is not enough to stop him. Our babies aren't enough. Our FAMILY, our life, our love, our vows aren't enough. I am not worth it. I'm a piece of crap.

 

I want nothing more than to truly feel loved, cherished, safe & secure but now I know that I'm not worth it to him. I always believed that we would grow old & die together. We could but at what cost to my sanity, selfesteem, heart?!?

 

I understand what you're saying & my heart breaks for you. It's so easy for some to say "Just throw him out. Just leave!" But life isn't like that for many people. When the choice means being sick & alone, poor, destitute & (most importantly) loosing the love of your life. Knowing that you lived your whole life never being loved enough to be treated with respect & loyalty by the man you've loved so completely breaks me!!

 

I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Your post is a HUGE trigger for me. you ARE worth so much more.

[wmacbride]

don't waste the last part of your life on his foolishness. ask yourself this. If he was abusing you in some other way, like if hewas hitting you, would his saying "i love you " 20 times a day make that okay, or make it hurt any less?

He is abusing you, and you accept it because it's your new normal.

 

instead of trying to stop his behavior ( you can't) use that energy on finding a way to extricate yourself from the situation.

 

Look into alternative living arrangements for yourself. If you sold your house and moved to a condo, would you be okay? Do you have any friends you could stay with while you sort your life out? Are there any service agencies in your community that can help you?

 

Instead of focusing your energy on changing him,focus it on yourself. Make a plan, and when you have it down, execute it. You may love him dearly, and you may wish things were different, but after all these years, he is who he is,and that's not going to change.

 

Do those step- research, make your plan, execute it. He can go to her and let him become her problem. Likely, you'll be flooded with messages from her begging you to take him back. meanwhile, you'll be living your new and independent life, sampling all that it has to offer. if all that sounds like too much at once, start with baby steps.Join a club, volunteer in your community or find some other way to show yourself that there is a good and satisfying life for you out there without him. You say your health is not good?I expect that the stress of being with him is making it worse.

[elaine567]

You say your health is not good?I expect that the stress of being with him is making it worse.

 

Agreed.

Stress is a killer and the sooner you get him out of your head and your life the healthier you will be.

[wmacbride]

Agreed.

Stress is a killer and the sooner you get him out of your head and your life the healthier you will be.

 

OP,

This one sentence summary of your situation should be your new mantra.

[sadwife48]

Oh I desperately feel for you. In a way you are living my worst nightmare!

 

12 years ago my husband ripped my heart out by having an affair with a coworker. He became incredibly cruel & abusive to me. I lost all sense of self & became suicidal...from his behavior, not the actual relationship. It was a nightmare that I managed to put behind me.

 

....But I am FOREVER CHANGED.

 

Our lives moved on. Tragedies & wonderful events of life. I felt like a real family that would last forever. We had our beautiful babies.

 

My health started to fail & I had a series of surgeries & treatments. Life & death stuff. My H started to treat me with utter contempt again. I didn't recognize him. We met young & have spent our entire adult life together.

 

Long story short I discovered that he was having an online emotional affair with HER AGAIN. This time she lived many miles away so the never got together. WHY? How could he bring HER, the worst time of my life back when I desperately needed him the most?

 

It turns out that she had been contacting a couple of times a year, every year, for about 12 years before he wrote back (apparently! I've found 1 'innocent' email that HE sent her when my son was a toddler so that was a lie!).

 

It changes EVERYTHING! Makes me wonder what he's been feeling for all of those years. Was he contacting her when my son was nearly born prematurely & I spent all that time in hospital terrified? At my brothers funeral? Was he thinking of her while we conceived our babies? How can I ever know? It changes EVERYTHING!!

 

Because his character changes so dramatically when he's being unfaithful I can imagine being your age (If I live that long) & catching him again & him saying "No! I will not stop. What are you going to do about it?".

 

I'm 46 now. My spine is degenerating. I could end-up in a wheelchair or worse. I'm recovering from cancer...one clear test now!!! I have damaged internal organs. I live in agony 24/7. He's convinced me that I'm a useless cripple burden.

 

This time he wrote to a friend saying that he had told me that he'd stopped contacting her BUT was NEVER GOING TO!! Although I believe that he's not currently 'with' her I have no way of knowing if/when it's going to start again.

 

I know how it shatters your soul. He has taught me that my love is not enough to stop him. Our babies aren't enough. Our FAMILY, our life, our love, our vows aren't enough. I am not worth it. I'm a piece of crap.

 

I want nothing more than to truly feel loved, cherished, safe & secure but now I know that I'm not worth it to him. I always believed that we would grow old & die together. We could but at what cost to my sanity, selfesteem, heart?!?

 

I understand what you're saying & my heart breaks for you. It's so easy for some to say "Just throw him out. Just leave!" But life isn't like that for many people. When the choice means being sick & alone, poor, destitute & (most importantly) loosing the love of your life. Knowing that you lived your whole life never being loved enough to be treated with respect & loyalty by the man you've loved so completely breaks me!!

 

I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Your post is a HUGE trigger for me. you ARE worth so much more.

 

Thanks for sharing your story and I'm so very sorry that you're going through this! I firmly believe that some people are just so selfish that they are not monogamous material. But if you fall in love with and marry one, you're in for some tough emotional times! Throw in some illness (physical or mental) and it makes for a very difficult life...

 

I pray that your husband (and mine) develops a conscience and starts doing the right things! I also pray the same thing for their affair partners. No joy is worth hurting another human being - a stranger - or one you love.

 

My psychologist thinks if I could get my husband into counseling, there could be help - but of course he has no interest in being "fixed". He makes no promises of not contacting his OW - just wants me to back off. Interesting to compare the man who lies and says he is stopping to the one who won't even make an attempt? I wonder what makes they think it is okay?

[dichotomy]

My wife carried on an emotional affair - via on line, phone, and a few visits in person with a former married affair partner - from the entire time we met until shortly after we married. He worked hard to try to get her back to having sex with him. He lived 500 miles away. Of course I said "end all contact or I will divorce you". Besides it being cheating - I was very concerned it could have eventually resumed back to sex. Of course this was at 38 years old and not 68 years old ....but actually OM was 52 at time.

 

Yes I do believe your husband and his old affair partner are cheating - sex or no sex. Its a betryal of his vows to you

 

Based on what you have said - I am going to be more practical and a bit cold hearted then some others here. Here is my advice

 

 

- Remain married for now. At your age with out support backup - you don't need to be old, destitute, and without extra medical support.

 

- Dont tell other womans husband. He may dump her and this woman will go even more crazy after him, perhaps even moving near him.

 

- At 70 with health issues is he really going to go F her? My guess is at his age - and maybe health issues - having a "I want to relive the glory days and I dont give a F". Looking at end of life (maybe 10-20 years) you might grasp at any thing to feel what you used to.

 

- Stop loving him so much - or love him differently at this point in his life. You will feel a loss and sad You lost something in him with this behavior. Unfortunately this happens later in life, people change. My parents did, particularly my mom who's health declined on my stepdad. She changed - he had to cope. She never cheated but she became difficult and worse and worse to live with. But it was a different marriage and life at the end of my moms life for him. The problem he (my Stepdad) was that he loved my mom so much he could not or would not find the time for himself - see below.

 

- Stop focusing on him so much - be a little more selfish. He is otherwise pleasant and provides money/health insurance/stability -and he does not want to give up sex chats - now you go pursue or do somethings for you. Let this empower you to do things you might not have thought to do - socially, physically, etc. Maybe you find a gentlemen friend to have coffee with.

 

- You might wish to establish some boundaries with him - if you can - rather than ultimatums. Instead of saying "stop talking to that woman - or I am leaving" you can say "I don't feel respected when you talk with her, and I don't feel like....making you your special dinner, rubbing your feet, special things... when you disrespect me".

 

- If he keeps saying "I love you" ask him "what does loving me mean to you?" what does it mean for me to love you? What is the difference between love and respect ? Do you feel you are respecting and loving me ?

 

- Keep an eye on a way out for you. One that provides financial and health security equal to what you have.

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[sadwife48]

My wife carried on an emotional affair - via on line, phone, and a few visits in person with a former married affair partner - from the entire time we met until shortly after we married. He worked hard to try to get her back to having sex with him. He lived 500 miles away. Of course I said "end all contact or I will divorce you". Besides it being cheating - I was very concerned it could have eventually resumed back to sex. Of course this was at 38 years old and not 68 years old ....but actually OM was 52 at time.

 

Yes I do believe your husband and his old affair partner are cheating - sex or no sex. Its a betryal of his vows to you

 

Based on what you have said - I am going to be more practical and a bit cold hearted then some others here. Here is my advice

 

 

- Remain married for now. At your age with out support backup - you don't need to be old, destitute, and without extra medical support.

 

- Dont tell other womans husband. He may dump her and this woman will go even more crazy after him, perhaps even moving near him.

 

- At 70 with health issues is he really going to go F her? My guess is at his age - and maybe health issues - having a "I want to relive the glory days and I dont give a F". Looking at end of life (maybe 10-20 years) you might grasp at any thing to feel what you used to.

 

- Stop loving him so much - or love him differently at this point in his life. You will feel a loss and sad You lost something in him with this behavior. Unfortunately this happens later in life, people change. My parents did, particularly my mom who's health declined on my stepdad. She changed - he had to cope. She never cheated but she became difficult and worse and worse to live with. But it was a different marriage and life at the end of my moms life for him. The problem he (my Stepdad) was that he loved my mom so much he could not or would not find the time for himself - see below.

 

- Stop focusing on him so much - be a little more selfish. He is otherwise pleasant and provides money/health insurance/stability -and he does not want to give up sex chats - now you go pursue or do somethings for you. Let this empower you to do things you might not have thought to do - socially, physically, etc. Maybe you find a gentlemen friend to have coffee with.

 

- You might wish to establish some boundaries with him - if you can - rather than ultimatums. Instead of saying "stop talking to that woman - or I am leaving" you can say "I don't feel respected when you talk with her, and I don't feel like....making you your special dinner, rubbing your feet, special things... when you disrespect me".

 

- If he keeps saying "I love you" ask him "what does loving me mean to you?" what does it mean for me to love you? What is the difference between love and respect ? Do you feel you are respecting and loving me ?

 

- Keep an eye on a way out for you. One that provides financial and health security equal to what you have.

 

Thanks! This is such a thoughtful reply. I am actually doing some of this already and will look for more ways. I am involved in an activity four times a week where I meet new people (men and women) my age. We've met for lunch afterwards several times (in small groups) and I think that bothers my husband. I definitely need to stop loving him so much...

 

Replace "respect" with "hurt" and that is the discussion that seems to get to him the most. When I tell him he is hurting me, that bothers him...