luvthisbar Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 My wife is very close to her family as I am mine. We lived in different states before marriage. This year we got married in Sept, so 2 months ago and would be our first thanksgiving together. Things are great.. Couldn't be happier! However my wife went back to Cali to visit family with plans to be home 2 days before thanksgiving. After being there a week, today I get a phone call from her parents asking if its OK if she extends her tickets and stays there for thanksgiving. I said thats entirely up to her. My wife then called saying her brother and sister inlaw are trying to convince her to stay. I said thats your choice, she then called me an hr later saying "they" changed her flight and she feels so bad.. But its ok because we still have Christmas and NY together. I just told my parents and they were pissed as we have a lot of family coming into town for us and this was not only supposed to be our first thanksgiving together married, but our first one together ever. I cant help but feel bummed out. I dont want to say anything mean or harsh and come off as controlling to her family. If she truly wants to stay, then I cant force her. But there are several questions im losing sleep over and with our first holiday season around the corner, I dont want to start any drama. So i guess i will bite my tongue. But: If plans were made months before of her coming home the tues before thanksgiving, why wouldn't her family celebrate thanksgiving the weekend before? Why call me then change her plans and tickets last minute? Is that not a bit selfcentered? With her being in a different state, when family does come, if I tell them the truth it makes me look a bit silly .. two months after my marriage and my wife isnt celebrating thanksgiving with me? I apologize for the rant but im just co confused. I feel like i can't explain this to her because she already involved her entire family. Her emotions show on her face. This early into the marriage and this close to the holiday season i feel like I should just let it go and swallow my pride and enjoy my family time and let them do the same. Thoughts? Advise? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) Wow. Just....wow:( This is the time in your lives where you two are supposed to make happy memories together. Make no mistake about this, no one is 'forcing' her to stay over for the holiday. It is a decision she wants to do, and she did it. All the rest is just for show, frosting on the cake. Personally, I'd be left questioning the entire marriage... she doesn't want to be with me, her husband. Why? Does she prefer to fantasize about being single? Well, for a week she can not only pretend, but really be single. The thing you need to worry about now is if this happens again at Christmas as well. If she were my wife and pulled this kind of crap this soon into our marriage for a second time, I'd tell her she could extend her Christmas stay indefinitely. And while she was gone, I'd look to a lawyer about an annulment based on incompatibility. Think I'm being a bit reactionary? Well, if it happens again then it is only a matter of time before she will want to take separate his and hers vacations. Then it'll be taking a Caribbean cruise with her single girlfriends for 2 weeks, and trips to Vegas. Edited November 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed rude remarks 2 Link to post Share on other sites
startingagain15 Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Why is this your first Thanksgiving together? You haven't even known her a year and you're already married? Holidays should be discussed and sorted way ahead of time. She still feels obligated to make her family happy, when she should be thinking of you as her new family first. I guess since the damage is done and the ticket is already changed you will just have to deal with it for this holiday. But make sure you tell her how her actions made you feel and how she needs to respect the decisions you make together as a couple and not let family interfere and meddle in the future. Plan and divide up holidays well in advance. It's hard at the beginning to disappoint family that has expectations that you will always be there. But they will soon realize you are a new family and they need to respect the decisions you make together. Once you start to have kids this will be all the more important. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Wow OP, how old is she? She seems easily influenced. Once married, "they" becomes you. Not sure she's figured that out... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 (edited) Honest communication is the most IMPORTANT part of marriage!! Talk for the love of god!! Don't make this a habit or you're in real trouble. What do YOU want? What did both of you agree? What does SHE want? TALK!!! Talk & talk some more! Only this far in & you're already building resentments by guessing what's really going on?!?! REALLY? I used to say with pride, "We never argue!". After 20 years of marriage I'm pretty sure that we are headed for divorce. It's a dumb thing to say. How can 2 intelligent people share a life & not argue? That's conflict avoidance & passive aggressive behavior! Edited November 21, 2016 by ShatteredLady 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Its best to discuss these things openly - and I have been there as have other couples with families in different states. You need to alternate family locations for Holidays. I would have said - "ok I am disappointed we did not agree to this a head of time - but I will come join you and NEXT year is at my family's place - ok ? - and then we will switch back and forth" or maybe "thanksgiving at your family - xmas at mine - ok?" At somepoint - you may have kids and then you may decide the heck with it - especially on xmas. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 I would think that she'd at least try to convince you to come out and be with them for Thanksgiving. Was that not suggested? I think you need to say how you feel, respectfully of course. I think you should've said it when first asked. I hope this isn't setting precedent, either for how the decisions are made or how much your feelings are considered... but I'm afraid it is. What you know now is that her family will put themselves first and try to convince her to do what's in their interest without thinking about the larger perspective. And she's easily convinced. Therefore, you need to be more assertive and set the boundaries. It's still three days out... I don't think you'd be wrong for saying, "no, I am more disappointed than I first realized and I do not want to spend our first holiday apart." Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 It's still three days out... I don't think you'd be wrong for saying, "no, I am more disappointed than I first realized and I do not want to spend our first holiday apart." I agree. This is a very hurtful thing for her to do, and pretty sh*tty of her family to impose that on her too. She should be made aware of how the OP really feels. I am not for controlling men laying down the law, but this is about decency here and this is not a very "decent" thing for her to do. Leaving the OP to spend their first Thanksgiving as a married couple, on his own is horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 (edited) My wife is very close to her family as I am mine. We lived in different states before marriage. This year we got married in Sept, so 2 months ago and would be our first thanksgiving together. Things are great.. Couldn't be happier! However my wife went back to Cali to visit family with plans to be home 2 days before thanksgiving. After being there a week, today I get a phone call from her parents asking if its OK if she extends her tickets and stays there for thanksgiving. I said thats entirely up to her. My wife then called saying her brother and sister inlaw are trying to convince her to stay. I said thats your choice, she then called me an hr later saying "they" changed her flight and she feels so bad.. But its ok because we still have Christmas and NY together. I cant help but feel bummed out. I dont want to say anything mean or harsh and come off as controlling to her family. If she truly wants to stay, then I cant force her. But there are several questions im losing sleep over and with our first holiday season around the corner, I dont want to start any drama. So i guess i will bite my tongue. But: With her being in a different state, when family does come, if I tell them the truth it makes me look a bit silly .. two months after my marriage and my wife isnt celebrating thanksgiving with me? Thoughts? Advise? ok, you asked for it. this is on YOU. when they asked you, which is weird to begin with, who has mommy call their hubby for permission, why didn't you just say NO and ask them to have your wife call you back. it is not controlling to speak up and say that NO, she is supposed to come back on tuesday, which is already cutting it close. if they push, you just say, "we already have her ticket". if they say they will change the ticket say, "we can't let you do that". you have to say what you want, no matter who gets their feelings hurt. saying, "it's up to her'' doesn't cut it because they know it's not "up to her", that's why they called. talk to your wife when she calls, cuz i have a feeling she is going to call when this sinks in, when she realizes that she's hurt your feelings, hopefully. she might even ask you why you didn't get her out of it. again, hopefully good luck Edited November 21, 2016 by Miss Clavel Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 It was thoughtless/selfish of her and her family to even ask, but you really should have been honest about how you felt. You had ample opportunities to let her know you wanted her to home come, but chose instead to hope she's read your mind. That's a bad habit in a marriage. It's only Monday now and might not be too late to change her ticket again. Can you talk to her? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Yeah, some people may think that this is no big deal, but it is. She must be really young. It would be better if you two just spent TG together than either of the families. And having the mom or whatever call is just juvenile. Think carefully about how to deal with this, because it may set some precedents that you do not want to set in an early marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
DeeplyMissHer Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 This wouldn't be okay with me. It looks like the beginning of marriage problems. If her family is all ready butting in now, it'll only get worse. What happens when you two have children or what religion you two will have, what you can or can't do. Really think about this and either nip it in the bud or maybe reevaluate if this is a marriage you really want to be in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kvolm2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 And where do things stand now after the holiday? Link to post Share on other sites
Jump Through Loops Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 She shouldn't need to ask you if you're OK with her staying longer. She should already know that you wouldn't be OK with it. Placing you into an awkward position like that was thoughtless. You're marriage isn't in trouble as some here have suggested as that's just stupid talk. Talk to her and put it down as part of learning to be a married couple. 'why didn't you tell me!!' 'I shouldn’t have to tell you because you should already know!!.' Link to post Share on other sites
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